Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in chelc's Blurty:

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Friday, October 15th, 2004
6:53 am	6:45....waiting to go to durham Took triple c last night, didnt really know anything about it but i decided to take some. It was a pretty good trip,but in all my squacks and hallars a seem to have forgotten most of it. I was alone again, how it always ends up... But that didnt bother me nearly as much as knowing that some one (tanya) was worried about me.. Well. She was. and is. and well. im going to see her today. She brightened my day yesterday by having sent me a card in the mail. Made my day, maybe my week, even my month at that. To have some one tell you that they honestly truly love you for who you are is a great thing... no questions asked. Last night in all my aches and pains of the aftermath of the pills and beer i consumed i was woen up at about 3 oclock... to take asprin. But i did hear my mom... throwing up in her bathroom again no doubt. Sad. because... She sneeks in the bottle of vodka, she hides her drink, and drinks so much and then throws up... Are we really that BAD that she needs to be drinknig to like free us from her. I came home last night, at 11, like i was supposed to ( even tho i walked and have very little recolection of that). And the door was locked, light was off... she didnt think i was coming home... even though i told her i was. She came to the door and was like.. what are you doing... I was thinking the same thing. Although all in all it was serious, at the same exact time, it was humerous too. I mean you have to laugh at a couple who knows that the other person with them is just as fucked up as they are. And it was really funny when she started talking and i totally blanked out... haha well anyways its about 7 now... 30 mins till i leave. Hopfully today is positive! Hopefully today is good :). Going to see my bum.. always a plus. Love always Chelsea ps... if i could get james to think of me.. tat would be ok too. haha Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
5:51 pm	...Survey says!... 6 months later +name: Chelsea Marguerite ... +piercings: 9 +tattoos: 0 +height: 5’6 +shoe size: 9 or sumthin like that +hair color: Brown. blonde. black +length: Between my shoulders and my chin +siblings: 2 older brothers LAST; +movie you rented:The girl next door?! +movie you bought: Butterfly Effect when i was with josh. +song you listened to: Confessions part 2 at brandon and scotts house +song that was stuck in your head: That new one my Avril ahha. +cd you bought:Ashlee Simpson +cd you listened to: Ashlee Simpson +person you called: Ashely +person that's called you: My brother +tv show you've watched: The surreal life +person you're thinking of: Brandon DO YOU; +you have a bf or gf: Nope and most likely wont for a long time. +you have a crush on someone: Yepp :) +you wish you could live somewhere else: Somtimes, but i like my people here so i wouldnt :) +you think about suicide: Used too buy my waste time, enjoi life +you believe in online dating: Its a place for nerds and unattractive people to find love. via the internet. hahaha sry not so nice but no i do not. +others find you attractive: Nope.. i dont really think so. +you want more piercings: Hell yeah... +you drink: Yeah +you do drugs: Weed is not a drug. So no +you smoke:Yeah +you like cleaning: NO +you like roller coasters:Only the ones at camp snoopy. +you write in cursive or print: A mixed between the two FOR OR AGAINST; +long distance relationships: For? i think +using someone: . Against. +suicide: For Againsy +killing people:Depends +teenage smoking: For +premarital sex: for +driving drunk: Against. That's just ...wrong. +gay/lesbian relationship: For....love who you want....fuck who you want....its your own life people +soap operas: For lol FAVORITE; +food: sun chicken, diet dr pepper, and Apple crisp on a cold day! +song: Couldnt figure it out... Lots of them +book: That one... with those words.. haha. +favorite thing to do: Be with my friends... have a good time and smile! +thing to talk about: All depends on how much ive smoked! haha +sports: Watchin those bois play their basketbal outside! haha! +drinks:Malibu rum, Vodka ( of any kind) and Diet dr pepper +clothes: Pj pants, Hoodie, No Bra. +band/singer: Ashlee Simpson at this very second hehe >TeeNiE boPPer hahA! +holiday: Halloween +new nerdy saying: Your mom +ever cried over a guy: Im sure I have... Im sure i will continue too +ever lied to someone: Yes. +ever been in a fist fight: With my brothers! haha. ouch. +ever been arrested: No, but there was this one time... NUMBER; +of times I have been in love: None. +of times I have had my heart broken: A couple, for different reasons +of hearts I have broken: None +of girls I have kissed: 2 +of boys I have kissed: 5 +of girls I have slept with: All my friends, just not like that/ +of boys I have slept with: One. haha. sad +of drugs taken illegally: I dont do drugs. I smoke weed. But i dont do drugs. +of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends: 3 +of people I consider my enemy: 2. Him and her. Till death do they part. +of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: 30 maybe.... When i was littler +of scars on my body: 34 or so. +of scars on your heart: ( my add in...) Quite a few +of things in my past that I regret: Tanya told me not to regret. So I wont FAVORITE; +disney movie: Sleeping beauty...also my favorite movie. +scent: Moonlite path... bath and body work +word: Like. +nickname: chelc +guy name: Taylor +girl name: Zoey +eye color: Brown, dark brown... So hott!! +flower: lilies of the vally. +piercing: eye brow, Lip , or tounge... Ears are cute too though +actress: Alica Silverstone in clueless :) +actor: Johnny knoxville! or somthing like that! DO YOU THINK YOU ARE; +pretty:Im not THAT ugly. i hope. +funny: I try to be serious somtimes, but it comes out funny. +hot: No +friendly: Yeah, mostly +ugly: I have those days! +loveable: Uh huh +pessimistic: ... +optimistic: ... +caring: Only if i really care about you. +dorky: Hehe i do it cuz its cute! hehe I lie to make friends...hahah right? (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 28th, 2004
11:11 am	I dont know what i should do. I mean. Damn. Im going to quit. im quiting right now. havent smoked (the herb) since last weekend. Havent huffed since....eh...wed. and well. i guess i want to quit. Its hard tho, not only because i dont want to quit but because every one i know is passen the herb so much that its hard to go a day without hearin about it. I want to quit because its bad for me, and alot of people find it to be a bad thing, and because it couild get me in trouble. I dont want to quit, ill have less fun, alot of people will fall away from me, and ill get shit frun every one. Damn. the bullshit about peer preasure is true. I got so much of it its goin up my ass. Damn, anyways going to the movie with michelle tonight, i hope, my moms gunna let me go im thinkin. HAHA last night i was watchin this show w/ my mom, & it was all bout pot & i was like mom, im sorry i was a failure to you for smokin the herb-o & she was like its not ok to do those things. i was like lets toke, hahaha. oh well. g2g---lubbba chek (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 22nd, 2004
5:56 pm	opps Current Mood: amused Current Music: ( amused by myself) lol (Comment on this)
5:56 pm	a song i wrote, cuz i wanted too lol My pain is seeping threw closed doors my heart is dumping all its contents my nothings growing more and more im still the same old me as befor Times pass, and seasons change my heart is week but it is still the same everything is in my way the words fall out but there still the same changes only make things bad but hurt is nothing close to what we had same is everything we needed and change is all that flowed threw but my heart is. weeping over the person that i knew you are what i want to have and you are what i need to be with and if we are together the truth is wrong my feelings are still drifting stong cuz this is how it falls out of me the world is close to every nothing i am still the same old me and you are not what i want you to be thats my song. aint it joyis!? lol Current Mood: amused Current Music: ( amused by myself) lol (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 18th, 2004
6:29 pm	1. name: Chelsea 2. single or taken: Single 3. sex: Female 4. birthday: March 26th 1990 5. sign: Aries 6. siblings: 2 Brothers, And my Ashy 7. hair color: Blonde, and Brown 8. eye color: Green/Blue or Gray 9. shoe size: 8.5 or so… 10. height: 5'6, 5’7 sum where around there 11. favorite foods: Potatoes and Cap’n Crunch. And Roman Noodles (fuck yea doggie)! lol 12. hometown: Springfield Mn, or Cary NC (depends how you look at it) r e l a t i o n s h i p s 1. who are your best friends?: Ashley and Tanya and Brianna and karizza and… yea 2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Nope 3. did you send this to your crush?: No 4. did your crush send this to you?: No 5. longest relationship?: Geez, Never been in one I guess. Lets say. 1 week for starts. J/k like 2 months lol 6. how many actual relationships have you been in?: Serious relationships? NONE 7. how many people have you kissed?: lets see..4 maybe 5 8. are you shy around your crush?: Kinda not really 9. do you indulge in random hook-ups?: Nope 10. still have feelings for anyone you've been in a past relationship with?: nope, doesn’t mean I don’t want them still tho. Feelings. Different from Wanting. 11. do you know what it feels like to be in love?: I think so. I think I know how it feels to love not how it feels to be in it tho. 12. would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your best friends?: Yes. In a heart beat f a s h i o n | s t u f f 1. where is your favorite place to shop: Hm. I like to shop at… express, ht, ae ( I guess) mish mash, random shit like that. 2. have any tattoos or piercings?: 5 earrings, 4 in one ear, 1 in the other. 3. what is your favorite thing to wear?: PJ pants and T-shirt with a hoodie. DON’T FORGET UNDERWEAR! 4. what is a must have accessory?: rings, my purse, and my fone so I can el callo people. 5. how much is the most you've ever spent on a single item of clothing?: $85 bucks for my lucky jeans I “had 2 have” 7. who is the most fashionable person you know?: Maggie probally. Or… yea or.. umm… I dunno. Ur mom 8. who is the least fashionable person you know?: Me. 9. do you match your belt with your hair color?: No that’s really stupid. I have hear of that. That’s really stupid. Freak whores lol 10. what is the worst thing you've ever thought looked good? My beanie and my Georgia hoodie. Sad. 11. what are you wearing right now?: Jeans and a hooide. What I wear, every day. 13.what is the worst trend you see today?: Those fucking snow boots! ARGGGG there so ugly! If its not snowy don’t wear them you fucking dumbwhores! s p e c i f i c s 1. do you do drugs? Yes, But im on my way to quiting. 2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: Pantene proveive ( or h/e u spell that) volumizer. lol 3. what are you most scared of?: Alice and wonderland, totally loosing touch with reality and myself, never being loved and. Well. Guns 4. what are you listening to right now?: Pink floyd. Yes. Just. Pink floyd 5. who is the last person that called you?: Ashley 6. where do you want to get married?: In the middle of a flower field with wild flowers and love. 7. how many buddies are online right now:22 8. what would you change about yourself?: My weight…. Maybe or my usage of unneeded substances 9. what are essentials in your life?: Being happy, haven’t gotten that one down yet tho. 10. if you had the power to do any one thing, what would it be? Be a flower, and be pretty. 11. what nationality are you?: Irish. 12. do you send out holiday cards each year?: My mommy does! h a v e | y o u | e v e r 1. given someone a bath? Yea, drew, I was baby sitting. 3. bungee jumped?: Nope 4. made yourself throw up?: yes. Lots. 5. skinny dipped?: Yea longin time ago no I just cry a lot. 7. cried when someone died?: dur yes 8. fallen for your best friend?:kinda. My best friends bf 9. been rejected?: yea 10. rejected someone?: yea 11. used someone?: not really no! c u r r e n t 1. hair: up and in a pony tail…half pony tail 2. music: Floyd 3. make-up: nothing 4. annoyance: Ashley makin plans w/ out me 5. scent: coke o cola 6. favorite artist: pf, and bm, jh, s&g….and every thing old school 7. favorite grouppink floyd. 8. desktop picture: a shroom 9. book you're reading: none. 10. cd in player: I think oh yea. Mix, of pink floyd. 11. dvd in player: Freaky friday 12. color of toenails: Red! FUCK YEA DOGGIE! If i wanted you to read this read the shit below it. VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV (Comment on this)
6:29 pm	1. name: Chelsea 2. single or taken: Single 3. sex: Female 4. birthday: March 26th 1990 5. sign: Aries 6. siblings: 2 Brothers, And my Ashy 7. hair color: Blonde, and Brown 8. eye color: Green/Blue or Gray 9. shoe size: 8.5 or so… 10. height: 5'6, 5’7 sum where around there 11. favorite foods: Potatoes and Cap’n Crunch. And Roman Noodles (fuck yea doggie)! lol 12. hometown: Springfield Mn, or Cary NC (depends how you look at it) r e l a t i o n s h i p s 1. who are your best friends?: Ashley and Tanya and Brianna and karizza and… yea 2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: Nope 3. did you send this to your crush?: No 4. did your crush send this to you?: No 5. longest relationship?: Geez, Never been in one I guess. Lets say. 1 week for starts. J/k like 2 months lol 6. how many actual relationships have you been in?: Serious relationships? NONE 7. how many people have you kissed?: lets see..4 maybe 5 8. are you shy around your crush?: Kinda not really 9. do you indulge in random hook-ups?: Nope 10. still have feelings for anyone you've been in a past relationship with?: nope, doesn’t mean I don’t want them still tho. Feelings. Different from Wanting. 11. do you know what it feels like to be in love?: I think so. I think I know how it feels to love not how it feels to be in it tho. 12. would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your best friends?: Yes. In a heart beat f a s h i o n | s t u f f 1. where is your favorite place to shop: Hm. I like to shop at… express, ht, ae ( I guess) mish mash, random shit like that. 2. have any tattoos or piercings?: 5 earrings, 4 in one ear, 1 in the other. 3. what is your favorite thing to wear?: PJ pants and T-shirt with a hoodie. DON’T FORGET UNDERWEAR! 4. what is a must have accessory?: rings, my purse, and my fone so I can el callo people. 5. how much is the most you've ever spent on a single item of clothing?: $85 bucks for my lucky jeans I “had 2 have” 7. who is the most fashionable person you know?: Maggie probally. Or… yea or.. umm… I dunno. Ur mom 8. who is the least fashionable person you know?: Me. 9. do you match your belt with your hair color?: No that’s really stupid. I have hear of that. That’s really stupid. Freak whores lol 10. what is the worst thing you've ever thought looked good? My beanie and my Georgia hoodie. Sad. 11. what are you wearing right now?: Jeans and a hooide. What I wear, every day. 13.what is the worst trend you see today?: Those fucking snow boots! ARGGGG there so ugly! If its not snowy don’t wear them you fucking dumbwhores! s p e c i f i c s 1. do you do drugs? Yes, But im on my way to quiting. 2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: Pantene proveive ( or h/e u spell that) volumizer. lol 3. what are you most scared of?: Alice and wonderland, totally loosing touch with reality and myself, never being loved and. Well. Guns 4. what are you listening to right now?: Pink floyd. Yes. Just. Pink floyd 5. who is the last person that called you?: Ashley 6. where do you want to get married?: In the middle of a flower field with wild flowers and love. 7. how many buddies are online right now:22 8. what would you change about yourself?: My weight…. Maybe or my usage of unneeded substances 9. what are essentials in your life?: Being happy, haven’t gotten that one down yet tho. 10. if you had the power to do any one thing, what would it be? Be a flower, and be pretty. 11. what nationality are you?: Irish. 12. do you send out holiday cards each year?: My mommy does! h a v e | y o u | e v e r 1. given someone a bath? Yea, drew, I was baby sitting. 3. bungee jumped?: Nope 4. made yourself throw up?: yes. Lots. 5. skinny dipped?: Yea longin time ago no I just cry a lot. 7. cried when someone died?: dur yes 8. fallen for your best friend?:kinda. My best friends bf 9. been rejected?: yea 10. rejected someone?: yea 11. used someone?: not really no! c u r r e n t 1. hair: up and in a pony tail…half pony tail 2. music: Floyd 3. make-up: nothing 4. annoyance: Ashley makin plans w/ out me 5. scent: coke o cola 6. favorite artist: pf, and bm, jh, s&g….and every thing old school 7. favorite grouppink floyd. 8. desktop picture: a shroom 9. book you're reading: none. 10. cd in player: I think oh yea. Mix, of pink floyd. 11. dvd in player: Freaky friday 12. color of toenails: Red! FUCK YEA DOGGIE! If i wanted you to read this read the shit below it. VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV (Comment on this)
5:37 pm	wrote this a couple hours ago waking up to realize that this life is much more lucid than the scary dream. Hoping to find some one who i dont only need but who needs me too, to be taken away from it all if a mystery of love. Scars are faded, bumpy, and gashed but no more does blood currupt my skin. No more do i sit with my wollowed worries and a razor to tear away my flesh, so push aside skin to see the blood run threw. Now im left with pain scars memories and realization. To realize that every one saw right threw it, seeing everything. I once was or tryed to me somthing i felt was true but lies filled me head as much as blood dripped off my legs. Slowly you take pleasure in people watching you, seeing you with all of it, and instead of stopping them you let them take all the stairs they want. Old pain is nothing but memories. Now. Instead of blood to my skin i push killer stix and power and leaf's againt my lips to get highs and buzzes of fake relaxation only now realizing thatits only momentarily. I wait for non-realistic phone calls, and un head words. 5 brokens years and millions of tears later im still living im my own reality of nothing. Calling on myself to come to some conclusion i see the lucid fakes of all my days and all i can think is You are still the same nothing as you were, you will always be that nothing. But even a nothing should be able to do somthing. Yourself, is harder to find than him, whos harder to see, than it. Current Mood: calm Current Music: bike (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 17th, 2004
9:33 pm	Things are getting more complicated, as the days pass we involve more drugs, more alcohol, more police, more talks, more sexiness, more of every thing but peace. Gets tiresum. One of these days im waiting to see myself fall. I love the life style. But truth be told i cant keep up with it. To have sumthing, that shows we all my faults would be full, staked high. But fufilling at that. I complain to make my life harder, but i also try to find sumone, sum one that wants to be with me or as fucked up as i am. I pretend like life is so easy and yet complain that its so hard. I cant walk the day with out a ciggerte fit, andcant function without the talk about needed sex, and cant dodge the weekend with out a drink or consume conversation with out spilling my problems. Some day. I will find sumthing so beatuiful that all of this will wash away. Nothing will bother me but the beauty of it all. Nothing but love. Peace. Happiness. Find me. just. all of it. Find me. and make me who i need to be to be who i am, Not wat i am rotting away in (Comment on this)
Monday, January 26th, 2004
1:33 pm	yeap good times w/e. uh I got to go to tanyas party. All was well. Saw all my old homies from the dury ham lol. Umm. I didnt no anyone at first so i just hung with karizza cuz i thought every one hated me ( which they did) or i hated them ( which i did) lol so i chillin with rizza. yea then tony and friends and all them ppl came. and then tony and his 2 friends left (which was good) but then this isacc kid came, whod ive talked to on the net b4, and um , I didnt wanna talk to him cuz daniel was there, and i didnt want to make daniel more pissed off. So i was kinda trying to comfort him (oh horribal me) and anyways long story short. I will "never understand" anything. anyways. so yea then me and karizza were breakin it down! lol even tho i dont know how to dance, and even tho i looked like shit. I still had a great time. So 2 days later lol ims still being fucking persicuted. Whatever. I dont care. I did what i did. I feel how i feel. I dont like any one more or less because of it. theres things at the party i wish i did and things i wish i wouldnt have done. But its done. and thats fine. Other chances come alone, and old ones push away. People will get over me. heh. like they were ever "on" me. Oh well. I dont care that people dont care bout me. But when they do its extra fun. haha. I love to be talked about, specialy when i dont know it! Remind you of anything? lol ok im gunna stop being sarcastic. Lets see from todays veiw tony still hasnt gotten home, when i told him he was grounded till the enda the school year he said hed run away. uh i woke up this morning at like fuckin 8 cuz these little girls were screaming outside my window. Heh ive been up ever since being bored. Alright yea. love chelc Current Mood: curious (Comment on this)
Monday, January 19th, 2004
2:47 pm	Subjective- goes here Eh not much going on today. Josh slept over last night, we chilled. Hes starting to get emotional about the dad thing lastly, probally cuz hes the only one thats seen it 1st hand. He has alot of strength he doesnt know about. I guess its better that way. He says he's missing alot, my dad, and that if he were in his position that it wouldnt be like this. The strangest things bring up these comments. Hair color, growth, age, comments, ect. I feel bad for josh. He had to grow up like that, well not nessacary grow i think my father had him in a time capsial, he never grew he simply was. Hes learning now, hes growing. Hes makes me happy somtimes, with the stupidest comments, and pisses me off with the worse actions. Bothers me yet, i couldnt live with out him. Furthermore...lol Talked to cody yesterday, i thought he was mad at me but apparently it was just chris not wanting us to talk cuz hes an ass. That pisses me off. Im gunna call cody sum time...maybe today or sumthing. Dunno ill talk to him i guess. Called ashley, shes at maggies. Yes that makes today hella boreding. But w/e right. Woke up this morning....No eggs, No milk, No peanut butter. and my lemondade was almost gone. I was quite upset. But what can yea do? well i can complain lol. so anyways then i went and watched orange county for a while, then me and my mom went to lowes to get shit to remodle her closet today (joyjoy) and then we went to teeter to get food. Yesum. Tis all peachy right now. Uh yea me and mom think we might redo the flooring in my bed room durn spring break, cuz we dont think we wanna go on vacation. I offered to take her to like flordia or sumthing but she said she had work, which upsets me again but wht can ya do? maybe shell change her mind and we can go to the bahamas or sumthing? yea think? Probally not. Anyways... we looked at carpet today, apparently my mother doesnt like the carpet and thats why we havent bought furniture for the living room yet. I dont like it either but its gunna suck cuz we wont get a carpet for annother 2 weeks and then 6 -8 weeks later we'll get furniture. Heh hopefully we;'ll have shit by spring break. Wow this is odd shit to be talking about but im kinda in the mood to, i dunno...vent. Or sumthing like that. Heh i was reading a former entery of mine. About love. what do you think? I dont think i should have to go threw life protecting myself from it, but i dont think it should be a threat either. Maybe some day ill feel about it passionetly. right now love is the last thing i need, but sadly the first thing i want. Whatever my time will come. haha. Alright well ive bitched and complained and talk or w.e enuf for an hour. so im out. Ttyl. Kisses Current Mood: same ol same ol (Comment on this)
2:47 pm	Subjective- goes here Eh not much going on today. Josh slept over last night, we chilled. Hes starting to get emotional about the dad thing lastly, probally cuz hes the only one thats seen it 1st hand. He has alot of strength he doesnt know about. I guess its better that way. He says he's missing alot, my dad, and that if he were in his position that it wouldnt be like this. The strangest things bring up these comments. Hair color, growth, age, comments, ect. I feel bad for josh. He had to grow up like that, well not nessacary grow i think my father had him in a time capsial, he never grew he simply was. Hes learning now, hes growing. Hes makes me happy somtimes, with the stupidest comments, and pisses me off with the worse actions. Bothers me yet, i couldnt live with out him. Furthermore...lol Talked to cody yesterday, i thought he was mad at me but apparently it was just chris not wanting us to talk cuz hes an ass. That pisses me off. Im gunna call cody sum time...maybe today or sumthing. Dunno ill talk to him i guess. Called ashley, shes at maggies. Yes that makes today hella boreding. But w/e right. Woke up this morning....No eggs, No milk, No peanut butter. and my lemondade was almost gone. I was quite upset. But what can yea do? well i can complain lol. so anyways then i went and watched orange county for a while, then me and my mom went to lowes to get shit to remodle her closet today (joyjoy) and then we went to teeter to get food. Yesum. Tis all peachy right now. Uh yea me and mom think we might redo the flooring in my bed room durn spring break, cuz we dont think we wanna go on vacation. I offered to take her to like flordia or sumthing but she said she had work, which upsets me again but wht can ya do? maybe shell change her mind and we can go to the bahamas or sumthing? yea think? Probally not. Anyways... we looked at carpet today, apparently my mother doesnt like the carpet and thats why we havent bought furniture for the living room yet. I dont like it either but its gunna suck cuz we wont get a carpet for annother 2 weeks and then 6 -8 weeks later we'll get furniture. Heh hopefully we;'ll have shit by spring break. Wow this is odd shit to be talking about but im kinda in the mood to, i dunno...vent. Or sumthing like that. Heh i was reading a former entery of mine. About love. what do you think? I dont think i should have to go threw life protecting myself from it, but i dont think it should be a threat either. Maybe some day ill feel about it passionetly. right now love is the last thing i need, but sadly the first thing i want. Whatever my time will come. haha. Alright well ive bitched and complained and talk or w.e enuf for an hour. so im out. Ttyl. Kisses Current Mood: same ol same ol (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 18th, 2004
9:43 pm	Hey. eh. been a while. heh oh well. had a conversation with issac earlier. Some kid, frind uh tanyas. Tellin me after 2 weeks of talking to me what he thinks of me. I...need attention, and will do anything to get it. Im annoying, and jelious and on top of every thing else, fake. So i guess this explains everything. I didnt have time to defend myself but what was i supposed to say? I dont like getting attention? I m never annoying, im not jelios? and im not fake? why cuz i dont know who i am. I live my life because i have no other choice. I tryed the whole fake suicide thing, wasnt going to happen. I tryed cutting every on off, i got to lonely, I dont have evrything i want, so therfor im jelious, and am i fake? Jesus. How the hell am i gunna be Fake? fake? i mean. If i have not set sterotype in the first place then how the fuck am i fake? Im not saying that im things that im not. Im not saying that i need every one to fee sorry for me. But ill be honest and say that im lonley, that i dont have anyone to talk too, that my moms preaches, my brother yells and my other brothers to dopped to be half attentive. My friends. They hear so much of it but i cant help it anymore its like my unhappiness is deathly hyper. No one really gets it,which is ok i guess im not telling them to, but, The second im attentive and nice, and unselfish and personally happy. Somethings going to happen. Thats what happend the other month. then papa died. Thats wat happened 4 years, yes im complaining. Omg you wouldnt under stand. I wanna go home. I wanna be where i was always going to be, i want my dad to except me, to love me, to fuckin WANT me. But he doesnt. Im not even welcome to him anymore. My room. Is filled with day care. My moms perfectly built world class fucking house, is filled with kmart decoration. I have to walk down stairs every morning to...nothing. A house fila-a old decor which reminds me what? of just how good life is? no of how it used to be? yes. I have a roof to sleep under but why? is it becaus my mother feels she NEEDS to have me as a part of her plan in life or because...she feels bad my father wont.? Every possibal thing in this world that could happen happens. Not nessacary to me but to sumone, eventually. I know i have it good. But no one understands, this wall between it all. I went to church today. What if im wrong? What if my whole basis of this world is wrong.What if....I knew? Thatd make me beautiful for sure. Where do you find beauty? How do i become somthing im not, to be accepted, to be wanted to be loved? I dont I stay un-radient, and unhappy. And i stay Myself. What do you think? have any recolection? heh leave a fuckin comment then Current Mood: Unhappy- whats new? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
4:33 pm	features so you will be born, and you will die. Thats the 2 things in life that are for certain. The other two. You will get hurt, and you will feel pain. ANd more on, you be lied to, and you will suffer. But then there are those happy things, like destiny, and love and faith and hope that wake you up every morning to get you ready. Ready to think that youll find more than what is actually there, which you might, but under normal cercumstances we just wait around, pretending like the world is here to serve our needs. Which, its not. So that leaves hundreds maybe millions of people letting themselves fall into a trench ( myself included) which makes them believe that everything they say and do is good for other people or like other people care about it. All because we've come to this false conclusion that we're needed, or that we're wanted for that matter. Maybe waking up in the morning, or afternoon or whenever you decide to "grace the day with your presence" you have this idea. That because you were put here, that you need to stay here, or that your needed here, or wanted. Your wrong. No where, ever, did somone make out a list of who was going to rule the world, who was going to take certain pride in claming this shit whole, but every one seems to believe that you are here for a purpose. Its all lie as far as im concerned, its all everyone letting there egos get in the way. Letting your self think that your inportant to this earth is just as sad as the fact that the earth doesnt need you. But then, you think, yo uhtink maybe there is some one, some where, that needs somthing from me, and i need somthing from them. Maybe its this love bullshit ive been hearing so much about. Or maybe those voices trying to tell me im important again. why do i even try to make sence of life anymore? Its not worth it, Its lies and tales, and nothing. Its all blood and air, im only living in this world, on this earth. I dont want to take time to claim it. Current Mood: curious (Comment on this)
Monday, January 5th, 2004
8:55 pm	---- Eh bored. School starts up again tomorrw and i feel like im falling into a pit. n e ways. I hella tired, i didnt get to sleep last ngith till like 4:15....i was busy talkin online, and i actually wasnt tired till now. Woke up this smoring, and befor i could get in the shower, tony and me and matt toked up. Not very impressive id say, this is the 4th day in a roll ive been stoned, anyways so then i went back to sleep. and at about 2 i went to ashley's. We playd in puddles, best part of my day. The puddles. Some people hate rain, but i think its a shower of love. We just cant run around naked in it or the po-po will get us. Anyhooo. I think i may need to stop smoking, its not that i dont enjoy the after math of it all or anything its just, its become such a man focus and im getting addicted and i know it. I sit and class and hate nit fits about the middle of 3rd period. And then by the end of the day a ciggerette is like gold to my eyes. Pathedic and addictive. So ill need to stop that. Um goin to michelles bday on sat. Hopfully itll be tight. Im sure it will and all but i just meating new people htat i dont know ( her friends) will be really weird. at any rate... Im sure this is a pretty pointless entry but i g2g do dishes.....sick of this mother fuckin maid thing! urrrrg n e ways peace (Comment on this)
8:55 pm	---- Eh bored. School starts up again tomorrw and i feel like im falling into a pit. n e ways. I hella tired, i didnt get to sleep last ngith till like 4:15....i was busy talkin online, and i actually wasnt tired till now. Woke up this smoring, and befor i could get in the shower, tony and me and matt toked up. Not very impressive id say, this is the 4th day in a roll ive been stoned, anyways so then i went back to sleep. and at about 2 i went to ashley's. We playd in puddles, best part of my day. The puddles. Some people hate rain, but i think its a shower of love. We just cant run around naked in it or the po-po will get us. Anyhooo. I think i may need to stop smoking, its not that i dont enjoy the after math of it all or anything its just, its become such a man focus and im getting addicted and i know it. I sit and class and hate nit fits about the middle of 3rd period. And then by the end of the day a ciggerette is like gold to my eyes. Pathedic and addictive. So ill need to stop that. Um goin to michelles bday on sat. Hopfully itll be tight. Im sure it will and all but i just meating new people htat i dont know ( her friends) will be really weird. at any rate... Im sure this is a pretty pointless entry but i g2g do dishes.....sick of this mother fuckin maid thing! urrrrg n e ways peace (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 4th, 2004
6:23 pm	uh and further more... So im alive. I give up. Take me if you want but if not leave me the fuck alone. Ive giving up any hope that life will be worth living, i guess i was hoping for a prince, some riches, and alot of fake but i came to the conclusion a long time ago that that wasnt going to happen. So then i hoped for love, and inner peace, and hope itself. But down to the last crumb ive found none of it. I will die to become what? to become reencarnated into somthing but in the recreation on myself do i loose my opinion of everything or so i just recycle my used soul? Ok so you can walk down the street and look at me with some expectation of nothing but i do believe. I havent lost every thing yet, i still know that some day ill be filled of love, or lust, but like i tell people. Love will always hurt in the end. You have a lifetime of love when in the end its 3 lifetimes of pain. Im the result of a torn lover, some one left behind, some one hurt in the past. When every one else decided to live with their lies i knew better, but no longer can i conclude myself. I feel like some day, some how some one will shake me with their lied love and i will fall for it, and for sure ill be left with pain...every one will. And if not in this life i wont be spaired for my next.... so thats my conclusion. Its that any way and how hurt will find you, you will have to feel the pain of being unloved forsaken and untrusted or visversa. Anyways so, your 13 years old, your alive, with the feeling that you could be taken at anytime and enjoy the death but also with the feeling that you dont feel anything. I see people, so happy, and i see myself, so uncontent, that its unhealthy. i rest myself only to wake and find that ive become more delusionete about who i am then i was when i left, TELL ME how do i serve myself in any helpful way by doing is lieing to myself. I lie to myself to protect me from my real self. So unamplifed yet i can still hear it. Love Peace hate feel see trace you be Current Mood: serious Current Music: NONE! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003
8:00 pm	Survey again, bored as hell +name: Chelsea Marguerite .....o'connor.....carlson? +piercings: 7 +tattoos: 0 +height: 5’6 +shoe size: 9 or sumthin like that +hair color: Brown. red. blonde. +length: Bout at my chin +siblings: Brothers....2...older LAST; +movie you rented: Ashy and i rented....umm dunno nemo! +movie you bought: Uh...scarface for tonys bday. 1 in the morning me and josh running to walmart to get it.ha. +song you listened to: Holidaie inn +song that was stuck in your head: dito +cd you bought: meh. dont buy. burn. +cd you listened to: offspring. the only band i support enougth to go and BUy the cd ( cough* dec 9th) +person you called: mommy +person that's called you: my brutha +tv show you've watched: Camp jim haha with ashy. +person you're thinking of: Tanya DO YOU; +you have a bf or gf: No. (Fuck um all n e ways) +you have a crush on someone: Yea, but nothing gunna come outa it so GET OUT OF MY HEAD +you wish you could live somewhere else: yea, once in a while +you think about suicide: Its like nicateen ( haha dont know how ta spell that) but it runs threw me the same way +you believe in online dating: uh, its kind of odd. But it teaches one not to judge a book by its cover. Its also a place for nerds and unattractive people to find love. via the internet. ha- thats mean but oh you feel the same way. +others find you attractive: Unfortunately i have this feeling they dont. But 1 in 1000 do +you want more piercings: Yepp. haha wont go into detail +you drink: Sometimes. I haven't recently. +you do drugs: Weed is not a drug. I will state that again. Weed is not a drug. Mearly a plant. +you smoke:Well yes i do. But ashy and i are gunna quit. Next new years. Ha- +you like cleaning: NO. I hate cleaning... I like living like a pig. Its homly +you like roller coasters:not really. Only the ones at camp snoopy. +you write in cursive or print: I print. if thats what you wanna call my writting haha FOR OR AGAINST; +long distance relationships: Cant say im for because, well, if i was for it then id be in one. But im not so you resume +using someone: . Against. +suicide: For myself. For. for others, against +killing people:For...specailly people like myself +teenage smoking: For +premarital sex: for +driving drunk: Against. That's just dumbassed +gay/lesbian relationship: For....love who you want....fuck who you want....its your own life people +soap operas: for haha it amuses me in the summers FAVORITE; +food: sun chicken +song: Thats hard, and not likely to be decided on soon +book: witch chilf +favorite thing to do: Write. cry. cut. bleed. talk. sit. mend. heal. Scar. hide. Be. +thing to talk about: The bible. Its funny cuz it gets every one mad ( well alot of people) +sports: Lax, and ice sports, their so gracful. +drinks:hot coco, and well malibu rum +clothes: pj pants, hoodie, underwear, no bra. Get life straight. Ur boobs r gunna run down to ur toes when ur old n e ways. ( this isnt infering i wont wear bras in public tho fyi) haha +band/singer: Offspring. +holiday: Halloween.....kwanza haha it sounds kick ass +new nerdy saying: say huh?< haha +ever cried over a guy: NO...just kidding. Alot of times im sure. Kinda stupid but blantently truthful. +ever lied to someone: Yeah. +ever been in a fist fight: Yea watint bad tho +ever been arrested: Not really NUMBER; +of times I have been in love: what is love? what do you consiter it? I couldnt reply to that. +of times I have had my heart broken: im sure a ton. +of hearts I have broken: Im sure none. I hope 1 +of girls I have kissed: 0 +of boys I have kissed: 3 +of girls I have slept with: haha ALOT lol, not sex tho ( sry) +of boys I have slept with: 2 ( no sex but it was still funny) ( and if u wanna know if i had sex with tem why wouldnt u ask "have sex with" dur) +of drugs taken illegally: no reply being as thats stupid. Say it once, say it a million times. Mary jane isnt a drug, merly a plant. Whores. +of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends: 3. +of people I consider my enemy: 2. Him and her. Till death do they part. And yes i can arrange that. +of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: 30 maybe.... from plays and shit. +of scars on my body: 34 last time i counted. +of things in my past that I regret: Dont regret, just dont do it again. FAVORITE; +disney movie: sleeping beauty. I wanna be HER. +scent: cinnimin candle of mommy's +word: penis. Its a good word. Truely and utterly. Why cant vagina sound that cool? +nickname: chel-c +guy name: ....Travis +girl name: zoey +eye color: icey, any color but icey +flower: lilies of the vally. +piercing: eye brow. So sexy. +actress: . +actor: johnny knoxville...his life is an act haha DO YOU THINK YOU ARE; +pretty:Im not hidious. +funny: I try to be serious sumtime, but it comes out funny. And im a dumb fuck so i guess im funny yea +hot: Naw +friendly: Not Im thinkin i am +ugly: I have those days. +loveable: I don't know. I guess people like me. +pessimistic: no +optimistic: yea +caring: Once in a while. But not to often. only if i really care about you. +dorky: \Damn pround too. Haha, im so stupid. Bad day today. bad day yesterday. I think my life is falling apart now. Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Monday, November 24th, 2003
5:28 pm	Survey #^( ::ABOUT YOU:: 1. Full Name -Chelsea Marguerite O'Connor ( carlson acutally but lets not get technical) 3. City of residence -cary NORTH CAROLINA 4. Height - 5'6 ( i think) 5. Hair Colour -Brown and reb and blondish colors.....the colors of autum leaves!:) 6. Eye Colour -They change between green and blue 7. Shoe Size - 8half- 9half 8. School/College - West cary middle school 9. Ideal job - Owner of a male strip club/bar/grill at the beach:) 10. Left or Right handed - Righty ::FAVOURITE THINGS:: 11. Fav food - sun chicken! 12. Fav drink (non-alcoholic) -pop....umm coke, 13. Fav drink (alcoholic) -malibu rum with anything. Vodka (skky), and umm TRIPLE BLACKS! 14. Fav place - Since a child....circle r ranch haha grew up there. Probally the only place ill every actually GROW 15. Fav pub/club - haha my bedroom! haha 16. Fav colour - green ( its the horny color i think its fit) and the SHADE black 17. Fav girl's name -Zoey! 18. Fav boy's name - travis....haha maybe i actually dont know....justin? 19. Fav season - autumn, summer 20. Fav time of day - sundown 21. Fav store - sadly....hot topic 22. Fav thing to do - Snuggle! with any one and every one 23. Fav word/phrase- ur laughing like its funny and its not- me:) 24. Fav TV programme -will& grace ( sry thats me in 17 years) 25. Fav film - empire records 26. Fav actress - 27. Fav actor - 28. Fav band -offspring?> 29. Fav female artist - hmmmm do not know.... 30. Fav male artist - dito 31. Fav type of music - metal, ah... old stuff, and um er, different shit 32. Fav song - ....call me -blondie 33. Fav radio station - g105.1! 34. Fav TV personality - will from will and grace. Hes my former gay husband i know it 35. Fav subject at school - study hall 36. Fav friend - shhh! i can not tell YOU 37. Fav number - 69 haha jk umm 3 38. Fav make of car - 68 ford mustang 39. Fav clothes make - pj pants 40. Fav shoe make -my old scruffed up globes. ::HAVE YOU EVER:: 41. Smoked? sure have 42. Drink underage? yes 43. Done drugs?mary jane isnt a drug. its a plant you whores! so no 44. Had sex? Virgin 45. Had sex underage? wtf, theres no SET age. whore heads 46. Stolen? guess i have 47. Broke the law in any way? DUR 48. Stole someone elses boy/girlfriend? no 49. Cheated on your partner? partner....thats a stupid way to phrase that but no 50. Lied to you parents? NO NEVER! haha yes i have 51. Lied to your friends? try not to 52. Lied to your teachers? god forbid. NO NEVER duh these questions are weird assed, Of corse i have 53. Bunked off school? skipped? yea 54. Seen a fist-fight? i went to school at GITHENS!>? what do YOU think?! 55. Been in a fist fight/cat fight? same applies as above 56. Had a slanging match? a wha? 57. Got in a car with someone you don't know? yea....wasnt the smartest thing ive done 58. Gone clubbing underage? nope 59. Drove underage? yea i told josh dad let me so he let me. I almost crashed....twice and that was the end of that. 60. Snogged someone who's last name u didn't know? .........SNOGGED? HUH 61. Snogged someone who's first name u didn't know? dito^ 62. Been so drunk you couldn't stand up? haha yea, those WERE the days 63. Been cautioned by the police? yea 64. Listened in on a private conversation? walky talkyz baby! haha yea alot of them. Ever heard sex over a walky talky? hahah yea nither have i. 65. Had a one-night stand? VIRGIN you dumb fuck ::EITHER/OR:: 66. Cat/dog: KITTY 67. McDonalds/Burger King: Mickey d's 68. Metallica/Nirvana: Metallica. 69. BBC 1/ITV: never saw either 70. Sky/Cable: im OH SO VERY confused 71. MTV/VH-1: vh-1 they talk about sex more, and dont make it sound so...disapproved of. 72. Coke/Pepsi: coke 73. Straight/gay: Straight... 74. Black/white: White 75. Left handed/right handed: right 76. Mum/Dad: mom 77. Neighbours/Home & Away: away 78. North America/South America: North! 79. Football/Rugby: rugby 80. Gold/silver: gold....then you can pawn the gold and get money and buy alot more silver than you would have origionally gotten. Yes i AM a smart one. 81. CD's/cassettes: cds 82. TV/cinema: both 83. Video/dvd: Dvd 84. Glasses/contact lenses: contacts 85. Brown hair/red hair: redred hair or pretty brown hair! 86. Chinese/Italian: italian....or maybe both 87. Ocean/sea: ocean 88. Sun/moon: moon 89. Plane/boat: LAND 90. Early bird/night owl: owl 91. Jaguar/Mercades: jaguar 92. Yellow/blue: blue 93. Windows/MAC: windows 94. Eminem/Dr Dre: eminem 95. Buffy/Angel: um spike! dam hes fine as hell 96. Basketball/Baseball: basketball 97. Wax/shave:wax. PLEASE. do the world a favor and wax 98. Curly hair/straight hair: does not matter 99. Mars/Snickers: SNICKERS 100. peircings/tattos: oh their both so damn sexy..... heres the question for you. How would you feel if somone took away all your knifes and locked them up? good question my other halfs awnser is I WOULD HATE THEM ASSHOLES! good point eh? well peace out Current Mood: sick Current Music: the people are singing odd songs in my head right now. (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 16th, 2003
9:49 pm	... Ok so i havent written for ever. So i've been chillin with tim and ashley and well i thought i liked mickey but i dont, um i kinda stopped chilin wiyh tim tho cuz hes like very i dunno whats the word...sketchy. But w/er forget abotu all that. This is gunna be short. So i wish my dad wasnt marring a whore, i wish i didnt wanna die, i wish i had some one to love me, i wish people cared more. I wish alot but i guess i have to deal with whats thrown at me, and if i dont then i let the world beat me down and im no better than him. So anyways, yea, ummm i hope i find some one, i hope some one finds me. More than anything i want to be wanted, i wanna be called at 2 in the morning to hear i love you just because. I want that, some time maybe not yet in life but some time and more than anything im worry that it wont happen. ok this song i keep listening to ( its country and its my moms cd) but the lyrics Take you records take ur freedom, take ur memories i dont need them Take you space and take ur reasons but you'll think of me take ur cat but leave my sweater weve got nothing more to weather infact ill feel a whole lot better when you dont think about me ok so yea thats how i feel about that- so then yea i really wanna get my tit pierced ( whoa i hope certain people dont read this) cuz like i expolained lol i think itll be really cute. But then again i think i'd but really painful so i dont know.... oh yea and i got my hair cut, its kinda special i look like a dude with long hair kinda, But every one says its cute so the fuck ever. Evere feel like you run out of things to tell the world, like youve said what you have to say and thats it?im kinda at that point right now, at least with poeple i am its like they wanna "talk" but really theyjust wanna tell you all their pathedic probelsm and you've lost interest along time ago. Yes im at that place right now. Ive come to the conclusion, im only going to talk to people that tell me somthing i dont already know. So thats a few choisen individuals. The reason i havent really been writting is because i actually started a journal in paper but i guess.... i should vent herr somtimes too. sO anywhoo hummmmm yea ok so thats about all ive known lets see oh and i hate people just so thats clarified ( or however you can spell that) But ive come to meet some people in the last week or so that make every thing better, i like talking to them but w/e no one gets it. ok yea that was kinda odd but i like the way he makes me....feel? or somthing like that. g2g get ready for pictures tomorrow. Love always chelc P.s. DIE Current Mood: horny (Comment on this)