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Tuesday, June 17th, 2008
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4:31a - Where's my red balloon
I'm so confused. I reached a point of my life where i don't know what i want anymore. Nothing makes me happy and i don't know what will make me feel satisfied.
Life is full of ironies and contradictions. Once i get it, i don't want it. Things i can't have, i want it even more.
Anyway i watched kite runner with wit(thai boy) over at his place...and i still love it even though i watched it so many times.
"For a thousand times over". I wish someone will say that to it.
No matter how i wish for that to happen, it will never, because life is complicated.
On a random note, i will rather be hassan than amir jan in the kite runner. I think it is a greater joy to forgive easily and never holding grudges. In the end, even with hassan's tumultuous life, i think he was truer to himself and definitely way happier that amir jan.
Oh i also watched a really old french short film The red balloon. I was just at Giant browsing through the titles of all the old films and i came across this. It won an oscar for best original screenplay and directed by the famous french guy Albert Lamorisse. I TOTALLY LOVE IT. So poetic and it is the type of film that i will watch over and over again when i am feeling depressed. The film has so many different dimensions but put in the simpliest manner. Every scene has a deep and covert meaning behind it and i find it very artistic. Plus, it was shot in paris in the fifties with the backdrop of the beautiful streets. I recommend it to everyone.
It's late. Night peeps.
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9:17p - A sorta fairytale.
Today is such an emotional day for me. Did not sleep the entire night cause i felt terrible about myself. I just did not like the person i was turning into and it just felt as if the demons were taking over me. I puked four times last night because of the emotional binges. Fucked up yeah.
Went to the gym at eight in the morning and i just kept running, hoping i can run away from my issues. And i really feel much better. Some consolation for those we still read my humble journal. I'm ok.
So i was just trying to keep myself busy, started packing my room and clearing my drawers. It just seemed as if i was walking down memory lane when i started reading my old diaries and this journal paul gave me on my 16th birthday. Then, i just couldn't hold those tears any longer. There was just an unexplainable sense of fear, saddness and comfort. I've changed so much.
Reading the journal paul wrote in, just made me realize that the world i live in now is full of darkness. True love has ceased to exist. Everyone is now plain superficial and relationships have lost that touch of innocence and genuine romance. I am now going through a bad patch with men and reading the journal only made the pain worse. On the other hand, i am glad that i did experience plain simple love at least once in my life.
I don't think there will be anyone who will ever love me that way. Everything now is all about what she has to offer and all the materialistic demands.
When i was younger i was so much happier and the simple things were appreciated. I remember i wrote something being really happy spending time with the family. The usual sunday basketball and badminton games in my garden were the highlight of the week. Then i started reminiscing the weekends when i will sleep over in my parents' bedroom with my brother. Those were the best times when my dad will cock up some funny bedtime stories and i will end up sleeping like a baby. Oh and i remember how i love it when my dad carries me up to my bed when i fall asleep in front of tv in the living room. Sometimes i will intentionally sleep in front of the tv or pretend to be asleep so my dad will carry me up to my bed and tuck me in. And we will have our usual hike on saturdays and i remember exploring the little jungle behind my house with my dad, brother and our doggie sonic. There were those really beautiful yellow wild flowers that i will pick up and surprise my mum.
There are so much more lovely memories...
And now i have to face world where beautiful moments are extinct. But i am still not giving up on my fairytale...i'm stubborn and i think i will never grow.
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