| A Beautiful Mess |
[02 Dec 2008|08:44pm] |
Someone once said that this song reminds him of me.
What a sentimental fool I am. Hope he is happy and leading a good life. I honestly believe it's my period that is making me emotional.
You’ve got the best of both worlds
You’re the kind of girl who can take down a man then lift him back up again
You are strong but you’re needy, humble but you’re greedy
And based on your body language and shouting cursive I’ve been reading
You’re style is quite selective though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is
And what a beautiful mess this is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don’t mind my nerve you can call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
Cause here we are, here we are
Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they’re quick and probably have to do with your insecurities
There’s no shame in being crazy, depending on how you take these words
I’m paraphrasing this relationship we’re staging
But it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blames
And the kind and courteous is a life I’ve heard
But it’s nice to say that we played in the dirt
Cause here, here we are
Here we are
We're still here
And it’s a beautiful mess, yes it is
It’s like taking a guess when the only answer is yes
And through timeless words and priceless pictures
We’ll fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But its nice today, oh the wait was so worth it
Here we are
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| Mailbox Full. |
[01 Dec 2008|10:37pm] |
I think I am too sentimental in certain aspects, especially when it comes to people I loved once.
With the influx of messages from a certain someone, my mailbox has gotten too full and I actually scrolled down all the saved messages in my phone, one by one. Read through all the messages he sent me and I just could not bear to delete them, because it just felt nostalgic. Afterall, I really felt so much for him. In fact, I have two different folders, one is named 'marc' the other 'wayne'.
In the end, I deleted a few messages that were quite random, but I still kept the gist of it. Somehow I still can't let go of the past, hopefully in the coming months, I will be able to clear my folders and not get 'message box full' every single time I get a new message. It all becomes a vicious cycle of reading through all the old messages, feeling a little sad having to delete them one by one so the new ones can come in.
Either I get a new phone with a larger memory, or I finally let go what has already become a passing memory. The latter, probably.
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| Christmas is near :) |
[01 Dec 2008|09:40pm] |
I just got invited to the first Christmas party this year :)
A house party at Cluny and I am glad he asked me to go with him since it is kinda for work too.
I guess that shows that he takes me seriously and I'm not some young dumb chick haha. We'll see how it goes, things are moving really slow and nice :))
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| Casual Proposal. |
[27 Nov 2008|09:40pm] |
I have been talking to Steve on gmail chat. Yesterday, the poor guy worked from nine to five in the morning.
5:14 PM Steve: Believe me, I am too
I thought the economy was supposed to make my workload light
... not exactly
How're you?
5:15 PM me: Exactly, but i am impressed
5:18 PM well i am fine, at work now
though i don't find it very motivating
5:19 PM might be looking at other options
5:22 PM Steve: Is that right?
5:23 PM What sorts of options?
Housewife in NY to a busy lawyer?
5:28 PM me: yes, went for an interview last week
at ICAP, a brokerage firm
5:29 PM But the busy lawyer doesn't have time for the housewife
Not very viable
5:30 PM Steve: Fair point ... but still
5:31 PM Are you going to be like big sis Lee?
Or maybe after some time there you'll reconcile yourself to housewifery in NY
"tai tai" is the term, I believe
Haha, a very casual marriage proposal. He cracks me up all the time.
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| A little of me. |
[24 Nov 2008|07:50am] |
This was written a while back. Decided to make it public since I have nothing more to hide. Yes, it is weird for me to even read this...I am eating normally but every time when i do, i feel guilty. FYI, I have gained 2 kgs over the past few weeks, so I am fine.
My honest confession. [04 Nov 2008|05:48pm]
Yes I am still bumming around. However, I managed to send out my resume this afternoon after much deliberation. The turning point- when my mum ‘casually’ expressed that my younger brother has been employed. He is taking up part-time jobs while waiting to enter university. For a moment, I did feel bad about myself.
In the meantime, I have been reading a lot. Been to the library twice in two weeks for the constant supply of reading material. Usually, I prefer non-fiction books and I am now reading one regarding autism. Last week, I was intrigued by eating disorders and body image distortion so I finished four books discussing the issue.
In fact, I believe every girl has an eating disorder at some point of their life. Well I have to admit that I have that problem sometimes because I honestly think I am really fat. In saying that, people with that warped idea that they are fat (when they have a healthy BMI) do not expect a comforting reply telling them they are not, at least for me.
Met some old friends over the weekend and one commented that I became really ’skinny’, No way was I happy even though I knew I did lose some because of my runs. It simply draws attention to our body which in the first place, we really want to hide- we will always think of the fat rolls on our body despite reality. Reality or imagination? The mind really plays tricks on us.
Honestly, girls who develop eating disorders are those who have this disposition to control and perfect everything. Their body becomes an outlet to express themselves, to turn the uncontrollable external factors inward. This is indeed frightening when most often than not, a simple diet may turn into a deadly pyschological disorder, Anorexia Nervosa.
I never developed Anorexia because I was never at a frightening weight. But, sometimes I think like an Anorexic. When my life is in a mess, I choose to go on a diet, exercise compulsively and plan every meal. I get so addicted to it and all I wanted is to lose weight. Nothing else matters, I become reclusive and secretive.
Reading those books made me wonder when it all started. Shockingly, my first memory of being fat was in early primary, probably eight. Obviously, I was not even close to it but at that time, I compared myself to my peers and felt I was not good enough. Our uniform was this sleeveless blouse and I always hated my thick arms. Around that time, I refused to wear skirts because I was worried about my ‘fat’ legs. Honestly, I have no idea where I get these thoughts of distorted body image.
Bringing it back to when I was around five, my mum told me that I always insisted on wearing this gorgeous blue dress everyday. If not, I will be upset and bawling for hours. She got fed up and made the same exact dress in pink. I was such a controlled prick who wanted to look pretty everyday in that dress. It seems like at a young tender age, I was already concerned about my appearance. So now you will be probably thinking I am just vain but vanity is only the superficial understanding to a much deeper issue.
Why do I want to look good? It is not to score the best guy in the club (that I really don’t give a damn), it is not to look good in the new dress, neither is it to be good looking so every girl will be jealous. In my mind, all I want is for myself to approve of who I am.
There is always an ongoing battle inside and I can never tell myself I am good enough when everyone around tells me otherwise. I get enough attention from the opposite sex, I can look good in nice dresses and I am pleasant looking. But I am not satisfied, not because I need more attention from the opposite sex. Somehow I wish that I get less attention, because people just do not understand that any attention is a magnification of our flaws in our heads. For a moment we will be happy with a compliment but a few seconds laters, our mind goes the other direction, telling us that the compliments are lies, they do not know how ugly you are inside etc.
I honestly do not know when will I ever be happy with the way I look. Maybe when I reach 44 kgs (my new goal weight), or when I realize that I can never achieve perfection in my own terms. But I know I will still be going for my daily runs and restricting myself as much food as I can for the time being. It comforts me and that you guys may never understand.
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| Late night thoughts. |
[24 Nov 2008|07:39am] |
Somewhere in the back of my brain there exists this certainty: The body is no more than a costume, and can be changed at will. That the changing of bodies, like costumes, would make me into a different character, a character who might, finally, be all right.
Wasted, Marya Hornbacher
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| Single & Unavailable |
[23 Nov 2008|01:28pm] |
I have made a conscious effort to stay single now, guys come and go in my life and I want to put a stop to it. Partly due to my fickle heart, I fall in and out of love easily. Honestly, I have commitment-phobia now, every guy that comes a little closer, I will push them away.
After the break-up with Marc, there was Wayne. But after Wayne, I forced myself not to feel anything because the pain of missing him was too much to bear. Slowly, my heart has turned into stone and I feel much happier. Anyway during the ICAP interview, the guy asked me if I have a steady boyfriend. All the entertaining and drinking will pose as a huge problem if I am in a relationship, especially when most of the clients are men.
I have decided to concentrate on my career, guys are secondary right now. Earn big bucks and enjoy life :)
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| Nightmare before christmas. |
[22 Nov 2008|12:16pm] |
I dreamt that the economy is so bad, ICAP decides not to hire anymore. All I am left with is this shitty PR job.
What a scary nightmare.
How man, I can't wait to get an answer.
Anyway I was just talking to Wayne yesterday, and I realized that very soon, he'll be back. It is so weird how the transition from the incredibly intense webcam conversations, with the frequent 'i miss you' to not talking for weeks. I really wonder how it will be like when he is back, if there will be a rekindle of feelings or we'll be just friends.
Very strange day for me.
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| All is not damned. |
[19 Nov 2008|10:14pm] |
Just this morning, I was feeling like shit, having to go to work. Now, I am feeling very hopeful because my aunt just messaged me saying it is a 'done thing'. Not too sure if she is giving me false hope but she talked to her boss (he interviewed me) and he said that I am ok and he will give me a call. According to her, my chances are high.
When I saw the message, I was elated, though not a done deal, at least there was something to look forward to. A ticket out of this PR shithole.
Praying really really hard that he calls me soon once he is back from Hong Kong. If he tells me to call his mobile if I have questions, it ought to be a good sign right?
I kinda enjoy the suspense and challenge though. Strange me.
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| The superficial bitch. |
[19 Nov 2008|04:54am] |
Sigh, I can't believe I am up at this hour. Thanks to the copious amount of alcohol I had at superfamous with shakun after my interview.
Anyway the interview went well, but you can totally tell he was really checking if I was 'presentable' enough. Met my aunt after the interview and she showed me around in the office. I think it looks pretty cool :) But there were so many guys and I really wanted to ask her where are those 'pageant girls' haha. So there was this girl who was interviewed too and I knew she viewed me as a competitor with those hawk eyes looking at me from head to toe. Oh well, of course in terms of appearance, I had an edge over her. Now shakun thinks I am bitchy haha. Honestly, that's the industry and I have to adapt to it :)
During the interview, he told me a lot about what I was expected to do. Plenty of entertaining and the broking part is as simple as Primary Six Math. And there will be a second interview once he is back in Hong Kong, that's if I am shortlisted. Well, I am really clueless on how I did and for once, I am not confident that I brought this one home. We'll see in the coming weeks.
I really want this job badly.
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| The broker? |
[17 Nov 2008|11:25pm] |
It is confirmed, I am having an interview at Icap, a brokerage firm my aunt works in. The worst part is that tomorrow will be a very busy day for my colleagues at the pr firm and I know I have no choice but to take a mc because my anal boss will never let me take half-day leave. So I am feeling real guilty that I have to leave my nice colleagues to work their ass off.
Anyway about this broking job, Icap is one of the biggest brokerage firm and I am glad to be given this great opportunity. It kinda re-confirms the fact that knowing the right people is so important in the corporate world. However, as I mentioned before, this job is given to the super pretty girls. Even my aunt told me that most of the brokers are pageant girls so I will have to look pretty for the interview. Shakun thinks it is really demeaning though haha.
Coincidentally, my investment banker friend (who thinks I am not pretty enough to be a broker) called me on the way home. Asked him for some advice and all he said was just 'make sure you look fantastic tomorrow'. Now I am stressed out. It is just weird how the industry places so much emphasis on beauty. If I don't get the job, I am darn sure I will feel terribly ugly. All because of the nature of the industry. I guess, my aim in the interview is to prove to him that less beauty and more brains is the way to go.
Wish me all the luck. A rejection will be a huge blow to my ego.
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| Freak. |
[16 Nov 2008|03:42pm] |
I don't know what is wrong with me.
When things are going well and I feel some sort of joy in my heart, I will try to get rid of it. Somehow I feel like I don't deserve happiness...
Anyway work is the same old shit, going for the broking interview this tuesday when my auntie confirms it. We'll see how it goes.
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| The 23rd. |
[10 Nov 2008|12:41am] |
This weekend has been fantastic. I thought this birthday will be a dull one since I will be starting work real soon and the mood isn't really there to party so hard. But as usual, the friends made it all worthwhile. One of the first birthdays without a boy by my side and it feels pretty darn good :)
I really have to thank my friends, the most wonderful people who give me something to smile about. Shakun, geri, choy and rena. New friends like celine, melody and gwen who made the effort to come to my party. The boys like dennis, bryan, nick, harie, sean, jon, sam...Thank you guys for making the little affair at my place so much fun.
Last but not least, my family. My parents are so kind to allow me to make a mess in the house. My sister who is so sweet, she got me a marc jacobs wallet and gave me plenty of advice on the corporate world. My brother who is just that pain in the ass I still love.
I really love my family. Yes this is the time of the year I feel totally grateful and joyous :)
I am genuinely happy this time round. Love you guys.
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| Corporat-ized. |
[07 Nov 2008|01:09pm] |
I have decided to go with the safer bet. Will be starting work on Tuesday as a PR senior account executive. Think it is better to survive this recession with a stable job and then I will move on in a year or so to better opportunities. At least I know that my peers from other PR agencies are getting a lower pay, makes me feel a wee bit better.
Finally things have been settled and I cannot believe how stressed out I am even before working. I am going to party real hard this weekend.
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| High-strung |
[07 Nov 2008|12:54am] |
I just had the most stressful day, though from an outsider's point of view, it has been a successful job hunt.
Went for all three interviews and they all wanted to hire me on the spot. The PR agency wanted to promote me to senior account executive at a fairly fine pay for a fresh graduate. The next two interviews, I did pretty well. The last one, I ended up having drinks with the bosses and I believe that I left a somewhat good impression. Although everything went superbly well, I was absolutely stressed out and confused. I need to make a wise decision that will affect my career and never have I thought so far. That's a sign of growing up I guess.
In the end I met shakun for champagne and got pretty high from it. It is just crazy what I went through. Only one day and all the options opened up, freaking overwhelming.
Fatigue is setting in. My mind is so tired from all the deliberation and dilemma. I hope I can come to a sound decision tomorrow without suffering from a hangover. Night peeps.
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| I've got hunted. |
[05 Nov 2008|02:30pm] |
I am finally busy.
Three calls today and three interviews tomorrow, 9.30am, 1.30pm and 4.30pm. Strange enough, the interview timings are coincidentally spaced out without any clashes.
Now I am truly worried that this is going to be the start of my working career.
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| First job interview. |
[04 Nov 2008|07:56pm] |
I am scared.
Sent out my resume this afternoon with a self-taken photo which looks completely unprofessional. Since not having a photo has been the biggest excuse for not sending out my resume, I decided that after photoshopping the amateurish passport looking photo, I will get down to it. And I did.
Few hours later I had a few missed calls from strange numbers with 2 new voice messages. This PR/advertising/marketing company left me a message and they want to meet me for an interview. For a moment, I did not know if I was actually happy or upset with this upcoming job opportunity.
Strangely, I did not even bother tailoring my cover letter to suit the job application, neither did I perfect it with a stupid looking photo. In fact I did not want to put a photo, I find it too superficial. The point being, subconsciously, I did not want to get a reply so I did not perfect it. I am weird.
Well I will call them up tomorrow morning with a very heavy heart and yet unexplainable excitement.
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| Comedy Night. |
[03 Nov 2008|02:28am] |
Went to watch Russell Peters with Marc and his friends. It really wasn't that funny. All of us almost dozed off, especially with that one glass of wine before the show. But it was still quite an experience watching him live, and I didn't have to pay for the ticket :)
So after the show, we went off to lazy lizard for some drinks. Marc got drunk and started talking shit, as usual. This guy who's the third generation of coca cola (his family owns it) came over to talk to us and Marc began talking about stuff that totally don't make sense to anyone of us. He went on and on...and all I could do is wish he will stop. Thank god Jasper ended the conversation and we managed to get out of it.
Seriously, everytime I see him, he is drinking, or drunk. And yet he still has the audacity to preach about God and religion when he's not sober.
He has reaffirmed my decision to never ever date a drunkard/Marc. At least I can move on to greener pastures now.
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| Boo! |
[02 Nov 2008|06:30am] |
Halloween this year was a success, at least to me. Managed to get most of the girls down and although there were some hiccups I had loads of fun. At least our costume worked and I was pleasantly surprised that people could guess who we were. Oh and people love the flyers I designed :)
I got quite drunk and I woke up at noon, uploaded the photos and went back to bed at 4 plus and waking up 12 hours later. So now my biological clock is screwed again :(
Anyway someone caught my attention yesterday, but I am trying to ignore the fleeting thoughts. Remember, no more boys in my life, for as long as possible. Somehow, my life is better without any of them.
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| Princess Huishi. Not. |
[30 Oct 2008|07:32pm] |
I saw my dream dress yesterday while out looking for gowns with shakun.
At a hefty price tag of $382 bucks, this dream dress will literally remain as a dream. I tried it on and I felt like a princess, for that few minutes. I swear it is the most beautiful piece of clothing :(
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