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Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in
Fire_Tearz's Blurty:
- school work...my GODz I have it running out of my earz >_< No...wait...mum BITCHING about my school work. There we go...the ultamate nastiness...a mother's bitchiness thrown at u cause of all the work u're doing that she can't SEE *twitches*
- Having my mother wake me up at 3 freaking am to screech at me about school work!!!!!!!!!! I mean come on! >_<
- Not having any money of my own...must must get a job...hopefully I'll get the one at the petshop though...since my landlord is too STINGY to let us have animals!!! *grrz softly*
- UKian guys...I mean wtf?! They think they own everything in the whole goddamn world and if they like u're body then BOOM...u're theirz =O My godz, I'm almost wishing for the aussie blokez, at least they were annoying in less worse wayz -_-
- MOST Ukian girlz (Rachy if u ever EVER read this...I don mean you hun!!) don really help with the whole guys thinking they own everything (and everyone), they r the biggest SLUTZ!! (the girlz, not the guyz lolz)
- Being so far away from everyone...omg it hurts. I...don't think I can expand on this point or I'm gonna start crying again...maybe in the next entry... Avril Lavigne - Slipped Away <-- even though I'm not -that- big a fan, that song had me in tears...sumz it up actually.
- the chocky...ok...it sounds trivial...but OMFG THE UKIANZ HAVE NOTHING ON TAZZIE CHOCKY!!!! *tries to breathe again* hehe
| Wednesday, December 22nd, 2004 | |
| 8:44 am | Not goin so well... Welllll, haven't been online in a long time, so much has happened and so much is fucked up. Letz c... Me n James broke up 5 dayz before we hit the 2 month mark and 3 days afta our break up Jessie started talking to me again...which I am actually really gr8ful for...the jessie talking, not the breakup, but hey! So that'z all good Went up to Timelord's again on the 17th...by the 18th he'd raped me. I mean omfg!!! I just..and >_< I donno what to do, think, feel....but I feel sick, I know that much...can't tell mum, can't tell n e 1 ova here really...wrote letter to jazzie and damn my hand was shaking so much that my handwriting was worse then it'z eva been before...i jus need to talk to her but that'z a little bit impossible >_< JAZZZZIIIE!!!! Mum thinx everythingz alright...ch00ky knowz...he put $50 on his mobile yesterday and talked to me for around 6 hrz...glad he didn't get sick of me...even gladder that he was jus there for me... Ach >.< I had to tell Jessie in an email...I donno how the hell he's gonna react...I don think I could take him yelling at me...then again he's actually really nice (shuddup ppl) so he'll probably b there for me 2...rapez a bad issue with him...like it is with every1...omg...i...ach...ch00ky'z coming home soon...pity I not in his home or i could get a hug....*Shrugz* one day! ach...gonna stop rambling now *nodz* Linkin Park - NumbI'm tired of being what you want me to be Feeling so faithless lost under the surface Don't know what you're expecting of me Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow) Every step that I take is another mistake to you (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow) [Chorus] I've become so numb I can't feel you there I've become so tired so much more aware I'm becoming this all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you Can't you see that you're smothering me Holding too tightly afraid to lose control Cause everything that you thought I would be Has fallen apart right in front of you (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow) Every step that I take is another mistake to you (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow) And every second I waste is more than I can take [Chorus] I've become so numb I can't feel you there I've become so tired so much more aware I'm becoming this all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you And I know I may end up failing too But I know You were just like me with someone disappointed in you [Chorus] I've become so numb I can't feel you there I've become so tired so much more aware I'm becoming this all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you [Chorus] I've become so numb I can't feel you there I'm tired of being what you want me to be I've become so numb I can't feel you there I'm tired of being what you want me to be Current Mood:  numbCurrent Music: Linkin Park - Numb |
| Monday, October 4th, 2004 | |
| 8:39 pm | g0t c0nspiracy? i would type out all my conspiracy theoriez Trish n I have been talking about for the last hour, but I donno how to note it down. Important highlightz though.... stuff it...I'll type out what I just typed out to James (poor boyo lol) 20:46:15] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: not what i've heard... [20:46:17] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: what i've seen [20:46:27] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: and thingz that have happened [20:47:10] And so i ste: seen where [20:47:16] And so i ste: and woot u seen? [20:49:51] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: well, there's this guy that lives in this house too...since it's a share house, there's me, my mumma, trisha and Nazmi. Mr Nazmi is scared outta his head about something, one time while he was off on holidays, the doorbell rang at 2am here (twice cause i didn't get there fast enough :P) and these 2 HUGE thug pplz wanna talk to Bessum (which is a guy Nazmi had here looking after his room while he was gone o.O) and when nazmi got back home, this insane black woman came up, and scared the shishi outta Nazmi...and ever since Nazmi has had a sort of army of body guardz with him...and now he's gonna do a runner that he's keepin sorta quiet and they all know us and and.. [20:51:14] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ...he'z got 'special tea' that apparently "I don't know how he got it over here...." and stuff and and...it'z all not good and they KNOW me n trisha and....itz jus all weird [20:51:34] And so i ste: :S [20:51:43] And so i ste: this happend when? [20:52:09] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: it'z been happening over a series of weekz...but it'z stepped up a lot in the last coupla weeks [20:52:49] And so i ste: :S [20:53:11] And so i ste: dont really know what to say [20:53:22] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ya, probably shouldn't have laid that all on u, sorry [20:53:25] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: just a lil shaken [20:53:26] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: heh [20:53:27] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: :S [20:54:06] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: c, trisha and i listed that all out today and then one of the 'body guardz' paused outside of her room to eavesdrop heh roar! Now just pretend the X-File Theme music had lyrics and that I typed them out. K thanx ^.^ Current Mood:  anxiousCurrent Music: X File Theme ehehehe |
| Sunday, October 3rd, 2004 | |
| 5:22 pm | vegemiteeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! well ok, I had no idea what mood to put in, I've been up n down so much within the last couple of days. I've gone from hyper...2 flat out depressed....2 cheerful...2 guilty...2 indifferent and then them all over again!!!!!!!!!! ACH!!! Right now though I'm happy =) I think...lolz Everyone online knows I have a bf now. Well, the ones that count. Cept maybe Greg...but he doesn't have to know if he doesn't wanna hehehe Oh, big news on the Jessie front. He's really really ....not mad...but not happy. Also not talking to me for the rest of my life. Isn't it great? *sighs softly* But, really, I could have fought harder and tried to keep him in my life, but...I didn't...cause ... well. I don't know why I didn't...but hey... I didn't. And therefore he's never going to open my msn windows again. I think I'm going to actually go into the details of why he's decided all this. I mean what the heck =P Hmmmm, Important dates to remember.... September 28th: James and I got together =) He asked me 2 b his gf after I kissed him lolz October 1st Lost my viginity to James. October 2nd Jessie out of my life. Yup, that middle one was the biiiiiiiiiig argument starter with Jessie and consequently caused the last one. As my SB pointed out (and Timelord later agreed with...mr Timelord that actually read the whollleee conversation) Jessie only lost it when I mentioned I no longer had a cheery to give to him. That's sort of made me feel better believe it or not. I'm not losing it that Jessie's out of my life, which I thought wouldn't be the case. At the time of our argument, I was in pain, feeling like shit as Mr Jessie dragged me over the guilt coals, backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards. But afterwards while I was having quiet words with SB he pointed out his little observation and I actually started to feel better. I can still listen to songs Jessie's given me, I can talk about him without it hurting, and I'm happy as I said before. He may think that me wanting to have him a good life and for him to achieve what he wants to is me sprouting bs and trying to guilt trip him. lol He's sorta sensative I guess, I was being genuine. But I guess he can't really tell the difference between bs and genuinity anymore. That'z just harsh =( But hey, he's not my friend n e more, and he no longer talks to me. And I'm not collapsing into a mashed up peice of used toilet paper. I'm sorta proud =) Even prouder that I'm happy. Letz c if it workz here... (if it doesn't some1'z gonna die lolz), if it workz here, YAY...you will get to scroll through the convo I had with Jessie if u wished o.O Jessie |$_$|: fun Jessie |$_$|: so how far did u let this lil boy go? ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: u're not gonna let this one go, r u? ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: lol Jessie |$_$|: nope Jessie |$_$|: i wanna know :P ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: farez enough :P ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i'm no longer a cherry-holder if that answerz u're question Jessie |$_$|: :-O u let him pop ur cherry? ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: actually, i think my cherry got rid of itself Jessie |$_$|: i cant believe u did it on the first date Jessie |$_$|: damn girl u's a ho =/ ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: if ya say so Jessie |$_$|: i do ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ya, we established that Jessie |$_$|: =/ ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: lucky i'm a stay with him, that makes me feel a lil better Jessie |$_$|: i dunno Jessie |$_$|: giving it up on the first date Jessie |$_$|: thats kinda sad =/ ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: tiz really ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: but therez more to it then that Jessie |$_$|: i thought u were a little more of a non ho then that =/ ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: :P Jessie |$_$|: its not even funny tho ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: do i look like i'm laughing? Jessie |$_$|: :P = funny Jessie |$_$|: thats really fucked Jessie |$_$|: i wouldnt even have took ur cherry on the first datd Jessie |$_$|: date* ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: hmmm, whatever I say next is just going to make it worse ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: technically it wasn't the 1st date. But I haven't been with him long. I broke the treaty before I told you I did Jessie |$_$|: damn girl u IS a ho ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: nope, i just didn't really have the oportunity to tell you before Jessie |$_$|: good thing i found out now tho ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: yup, guess so ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: :) Jessie |$_$|: buying u a ticket to come over for xmas woulda been a big waste of money =/ ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: yup, i'm guessing it would have been since i gotz a bf an all Jessie |$_$|: yep that it woulda ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: nice name change Jessie |g0t : ;) ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: now ya mad? Jessie |g0t : nope Jessie |g0t : if i was mad u wouldnt be able to turn on ur computer anymore ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: thanks for the warning :S Jessie |g0t : no problem ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: :) Jessie |g0t : if u want i can pretend like i am mad :D ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: naw, itz ok, it's much better you're not :D Jessie |g0t : i'm kinda happy i saved $600 ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ya, i would be too Jessie |g0t : of course u know that we can no longer be friends right? Jessie |g0t : that was strike #3 =/ ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ...? Jessie |g0t : u lied to me =/ Jessie |g0t : a third time ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: when? Jessie |g0t : i mean damn Jessie |g0t : u broke the treaty earlier without telling me ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i told you soon as i could ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: hence no lying Jessie |g0t : i can check my e-mail ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i wanted instant reply Jessie |g0t : what if i woulda said something against u breaking it Jessie |g0t : what would u have said? Jessie |g0t : see dumb answer =/ ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: nope, not dumb ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: cause if you'd have said something against it ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i woulda heard u out and not broken. ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: you haven't xactly been showin that much interest in my lately, throwing mz michelle's name around everywhere, I was actually starting to think you were hinting at me to go away Jessie |g0t : but u already broke it Jessie |g0t : nope kinda testing u Jessie |g0t : to see if u were jealous Jessie |g0t : see if the water was still hot ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: course i was bloody jealous Jessie |g0t : i never did anything with her Jessie |g0t : ask gary ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: gary would just love the fact i was asking Jessie |g0t : i left when the fucking started :-O ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: and draw it out ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: and i believe you that u did nothing Jessie |g0t : but hey u made a decision ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ya, i did Jessie |g0t : no talk is gonna change that decision Jessie |g0t : nor make it right ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i decided to live my life off of the computer ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: right or wrong ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i chose it Jessie |g0t : u trying to say i live off my computer? ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: no ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i'm saying i was ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: u've got a life offline Jessie |g0t : u gotta to make money Jessie |g0t : cant make money online Jessie |g0t : its cheesy money Jessie |g0t : to be rich u gotta work ur ass off till u cant work no more, then work another 10 hrs ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ya, but i don't care if u're freakin rich, u've become obsessed with money, it'z u're whole freakin life now Jessie |g0t : u cant do anything in life without money Jessie |g0t : the quicker i make it ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: u can do a lot Jessie |g0t : the quicker i can sit back and enjoy life Jessie |g0t : i'd rather get life taken care of off the bat and then not work till i am 80 ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: really? you're going to be able to switch off and just sit back and enjoy? forget about making the money? Jessie |g0t : yeah thats the idea of starting a company Jessie |g0t : u hire ppl to run it Jessie |g0t : and u just sit back and make money Jessie |g0t : that way when i am like 25 my kids should be old enuff to need a father, and i can spend as much time as a i want with them Jessie |g0t : thats my main goal right now Jessie |g0t : to have a happy family that can see me around almost everyday Jessie |g0t : but i had to sacrifice my childhood Jessie |g0t : so if u think i am a self-centered person who only cares about money then so be it ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i don't think u're self-centered at all ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i just think you're crazy about money. what ure saying makes sense. And u're gonna make the best father and husband out there. But not with me cause i've already got bad marks against me with u, and neither of us will let that go, no matter how many chances u give me Jessie |g0t : u think waaayyy too young girl =/ Jessie |g0t : everyone had bad marks Jessie |g0t : thats how life is Jessie |g0t : u never forget or forgive Jessie |g0t : i bet u remember ppl who pissed u off when u were like 7 Jessie |g0t : u learn to accept the good in ppl no matter what they have done Jessie |g0t : u can argue this all u want, u just cant justify what u did in my eyes lol ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i'm not trying to justify it * Jessie |g0t Degree in H-O?| is now Busy ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: it was the biggest decision in my little life i had to make and stick to...i'm not saying itz right or wrong, but i'm not a ho. * Jessie |g0t Degree in H-O?| is now Online Jessie |g0t : see now i can argue that too Jessie |g0t : a) if u cared about me as much as u say u did, u would have included me in this decision b) u didnt, u made a selfish choice for someone who says this is the "biggest decision in my life" Jessie |g0t : see there is no way u can justify it ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: mk Jessie |g0t : but then again i dont expect u to think the way i do Jessie |g0t : u never lead the life i did, u never had the experiences i did, therefore u think in a sheltered way ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: yup, i do ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ya, twas sorta selfish lol hope ya find a nice smart girly Jessie |g0t : unfortunately there isnt any "smart girls" just ones that are tolerable ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: nasty Jessie |g0t : but i made the mistake of "forgetting" about what u did b4 and trusted u Jessie |g0t : so therefore its my fault Jessie |g0t : if u would have approached this situation differently then we would still be friends Jessie |g0t : thats the only thing i can say about this event ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: what would have done if i'd just asked to break the treaty? Jessie |g0t : i dunno, if u would have asked that b4 u would have ur answer ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: fares enough Jessie |g0t : i think so Jessie |g0t : so any closing statements left? ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: not really. I did the wrong thing by you again, and I can't even put my feelings into words. I just hope you have the life you've got planned out Jessie |g0t : "I just hope you have the life you've got planned out" statements like that are just bs to try to make ppl feel guilty, i prefer u not to use them or i'll try to give u a guilt trip ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: sorry, wasn't meant to try and make you feel guilty ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: it was just a simple statement Jessie |g0t : i dont believe that but ok ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: you don't have to Jessie |g0t : so now do u have a nicer closing statement Jessie |g0t : i'm not mad at u, but i will say that once this window gets closed i will never open it again ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: never is a very very strong word ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i thought it was my trick to type n stop ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: heh ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: thank you for being in my life is all I really have left to say Jessie |g0t : my arms are very sore Jessie |g0t : it hurts to type Jessie |g0t : i dont think u wanna see what i wrote either ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: probably not Jessie |g0t : yeah u prolly dont lol Jessie |g0t : so i will spare you on that ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: thanku Jessie |g0t : i put it in a text file Jessie |g0t : therefore u can read it or throw it away, but i will give u the choice You have successfully received C:\Documents and Settings\Private\My Documents\My Received Files\Do Not Read.txt from Jessie |g0t Degree in H-O?|. Jessie |g0t : but i did give it Jessie |g0t : Listen or Download NOW!_:..::...:_3 Doors Down - Away From The Sun ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: thank you for your closing statement ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: and i know u did Jessie |g0t : bah u read it Jessie |g0t : bad woman ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: itz from u, i couldn't really just leave it there Jessie |g0t : damn i thought u would throw it away like a normal person Jessie |g0t : bad girl Jessie |g0t : now hopefully that will eat away at u Jessie |g0t : and prove my theory that u sold me out to get laid Jessie |g0t : =/ ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: if i did that i woulda fucked the first guy that offered Jessie |g0t : i had josie, i could have even went to live with her and be happy ever after ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ya, i know u did, Benny informed me of that Jessie |g0t : he did?: Jessie |g0t : when? ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ages ago Jessie |g0t : but i wanted josie sooooooooooooooooooooo~ bad Jessie |g0t : and i just let her go Jessie |g0t : and brushed it off like i didnt like her Jessie |g0t : that killed me inside for a long ass time ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: c? now you're giving me the ammo to b eaten out from the inside Jessie |g0t : and u sold me out b4 xmas Jessie |g0t : thats shot out =/ Jessie |g0t : yep i know Jessie |g0t : u read the txt file tho ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: u really expected me to delete it? Jessie |g0t : yep Jessie |g0t : i would have ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: hmmm, farez enough Jessie |g0t : i just gotta let u see the escalation of the decision of the treaty on my part Jessie |g0t : i took that like a serious contract Jessie |g0t : see i bet u dont even know what to say Jessie |g0t : i bet all u wanna do is get this conversation over and then not have to worry about it anymore, and tell urself that u now have a bf and this wont bother u at all Jessie |g0t : right? ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: no ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: all i wanna do is not possible, so i just sit here Jessie |g0t : bah u fibber ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: nope, not fibbing Jessie |g0t : and what might u wanna do? (saw that coming) Jessie |g0t : Listen or Download NOW!_:..::...:_D12 - My Band ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: course u saw that coming ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: never have gotten the internet <--- sumz it up really Jessie |g0t : lol that was lame =/ ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: coulda been a lot lamer :) Jessie |g0t : not really Jessie |g0t : the internet is no different from life Jessie |g0t : its like talking on the phone Jessie |g0t : because of the internet u can do things that u have never imagined that u could possibly do Jessie |g0t : so dont u blame this on the internet =/ ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i said nothing about blaming this on the internet Jessie |g0t : u kinda did Jessie |g0t : and damn it took u that long to say that? Jessie |g0t : i figured u type quicker then this ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i do usually ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: but every word i say is probably gonna b used against me ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: and itz not gonna help me lol Jessie |g0t : i shoulda let u be Ben's problem, instead of forgiving u =/ ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: damn i just can't finish a sentance here Jessie |g0t : me either ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: nice lil hit with that comment Jessie |g0t : ty i do try my best Jessie |g0t : but now u have 2 enters left Jessie |g0t : make them good Jessie |g0t : make them good Jessie |g0t : if u can convince me to be ur friend within those next 2 enters congrats Jessie |g0t : otherwise =/ ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: nothing I can say will justify what I've done, and I knew this was coming. In fact, I thougt it would happen yesterday. But I seriously hoped it wouldn't...N e thing I say will probably look like a cheap attempt and making u feel guilty, but there'z nothing for u to b guilty over which ya know :) So, I'm not gonna go out begging for u're forgiveness, I don't deserve it, But seriously, I did care. I just gave up on n e thing that could have been. I would say I'm sorry, but those wordz r reallllly hollow. Go for tha money boyo, n achieve u're godlikeness ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: goodbye Jessie |g0t : damn girl whoa there on the typing Jessie |g0t : "Go for tha money boyo, n achieve u're godlikeness" g0t guilt trip Jessie |g0t : u didnt have to use the 2nd enter for goodbye Jessie |g0t : there was 1 line that u could have said that would have gotten me to forgive u Jessie |g0t : and it wouldnt have been a statement Jessie |g0t : it would have been a question Jessie |g0t : u had 2 tries to get it Jessie |g0t : but u said the same stuff over =/ Jessie |g0t : come on now i thought u were better then that ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: if i knew what to say, i would have Jessie |g0t : nope Jessie |g0t : because it would be considering a sacrifice Jessie |g0t : the only thing u could have said to make me think twice about callin u a ho is...... Jessie |g0t : to ask "what if i broke up with him?" Jessie |g0t : asking that would have gotten u off the hook like nothing Jessie |g0t : Listen or Download NOW!_:..::...:_Scorpions - Rock You Like a Hurricane Jessie |g0t : florida's new theme song ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: that crossed my mind, but I didn't think you'd believe me Jessie |g0t : lair Jessie |g0t : and u would never have broken up with this guy for me ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: really? Jessie |g0t : come on now i aint that stupid Jessie |g0t : but if u did say that my tone would have changed dramatically Jessie |g0t : guaranteed Jessie |g0t : Listen or Download NOW!_:..::...:_Gin Blossoms - Follow You Down Jessie |g0t : god i havent heard this song in forever ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: neva heard it b4, good? Jessie |g0t : kinda poppy Jessie |g0t : quit changing the subject woman ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: u're tha one that be throwin the songz in ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: heh ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: but hey Jessie |g0t : sorry Jessie |g0t : i like music Jessie |g0t : and timmy just replied Jessie |g0t : i let him see what michelle looks like ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: awww, special Jessie |g0t : Listen or Download NOW!_:..::...:_The Flys - Got You Where I Want You Jessie |g0t : god this song was soooo awesome back in the day Jessie |g0t : i love this osng Jessie |g0t : song* ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: neva heard that one either Jessie |g0t : oh and i slit my pointer open so i type with out it so its a little harder ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: how'd u do that? Jessie |g0t : i bite my fingers when i am anxious, and i got really anxious and bit my finger open Jessie |g0t : but quit trying to be friendly i dislike u woman ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i know u dislike me, and it'z me being too friendly that got me into this Jessie |g0t : well do something about it soon Jessie |g0t : cuz i got an itching to go play a video game ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: have fun Jessie |g0t : yep didnt think u wanted to do something about it Jessie |g0t : k i must close the window now, and unfortunately it cant be opened again, so love, p33c3, and some ch1k3n gr33s3 O...and Benny's not happy either. Though he doesn't know n e thing more then me and James are together. 3 years he's waited apparently. 3 years for it to end like this. Yup....insert Benny going on one of his famous long walks here. -.- I don't really know how to feel about this. Sort of annoyed that he can't just move on...or sad and hurt that I hurt him. I guess I'm a big mixture on all this lol. But hey, it's better for him. Tough love as SB put it. It should end up helping him. I really hope it does...and I'm not really annoyed....just...*sighz* O I donno. ch00ky is basically the best about it. He's happy for me. Likes the sound of James and still talks to me like I'm a human being. Ok, so he doesn't know as far as Jessie knows. But I don't think he'd want to know. It's my personal life, therefore I can keep it just that...personal. I'm just lucky that no1 but hephy readz this, and hephy hasn't really been on lately. So hey, my own babbling page :) James is really sick :( I gave him my cold! Ach!!! poor boyo...but hopefully he'll be well enough for school tomorrow. I don really know how we're meant to act around each other...but that's not the point. Ah well, should be all good :) .... hopefully. Wouldn't it just so suck if after all I've been through with the clan of guyz online, James broke up with me? LoL...I'd die. I swear lolz Ah well. Rachy and I were talking about Kev today....realllly scary. He's ignoring us both...but last time I actually got a response from him it was all good...I mean huh? Did I miss something? lolz Ahhhh, song today'z being hard....but I think I'll go for Cold - Suffocate....the name "Jessie" comes to mind....but that'z probably only because he gave me this song...and some of the words ring very true....so yes Jessie...this is for you. Thank ya for being in my life.
|
| Thursday, September 30th, 2004 | |
| 7:08 pm | the weirdness... well...ok...today has royally...well...been odd. I mean... I started going out with James 2 days ago....and I had to tell every1.... ch00ky Brad Benny and lastly...but one of the hardest to tell... Jessie. And...well...ppl r not really happy. I think out of them, ch00ky had the best reaction, but Jessie came close... Benny tiz depressed as is Brad. The only one that didn't make sure to tell me that they were happy for me was Jessie. But hey...he's not mad at me! He's just...kind of...well, gonna go out and have fun. Yay!! I'm glad he can... But yea, I have a bf lolz. And I'm a gonna go to his house tomorrow, yay! But today was hard and weird. Took the whole day off cause I feel like utter shit.....I told ch00ky yesterday though =D And he'z honestly happy for me! w00tz0rz! So is benny apparently....but he'z gone all upset :( Brad'z slightly upset aswell, but not just cause of me....mz KAEDE had some effect there 2. Surprise surprise. Jessie is just gonna go out and have fun as i mentioned. And cause i broke our treaty i'll never ever be with him. That'z ok I guess.... I was starting to wonder if I'd ever be with him, least now I know I won't. But yay for James ^_^ letz do a profile for him ^.^ Age: 17 How i met him: at me all girlz school...his school takez classes there too and he ended up in my sociology class, w00tz0rz!!! Our Aniversary: teeeeeeeeehehehehehe, we have an aniversary!! ahahaha...we got together on the 28th of September ^.^ Music: He likez metallica ! and and Disturbed! w00tz! But I think my other bandz r a bit too heavy 4 him lolz He likez....: Role playing...card games...writing...internet...ME ^_^ lolz Personality: he's shyish, but funny and one of the nices UKianz I've actually met in person!! kk, done ^.^ Yay James lolz And I think I'm a dedicate a song to Timelord...w00tz! From Zero - The Other Side From Zero - The Other SideI'm the one you're waiting for Yes I'm the one; yes I'm the one Who decides when times aren't right? Who's left out well I', left out Don't try Just leave it It's all bitter change Can't we stay the same and Give it all back to fall Setting the course for an ever after Standing tall be my all Setting the course for an ever after I want to be I'll never walk alone When time is on my side What comes around goes around In time, in time She's the only time spent right Let's talk it out We'll talk it out Cause I'm the one you're waiting for Yes I'm the one yes I'm the one I don't believe it's right And all the answers will Never keep me warm at night When I am by myself Back on the run Enraged with the other side Deliver us all From dreams that I want to hide Back on the run It's safe just to be alive Consider the one that's left On the otherside Everything else that grabs When you're under I'll always win alone let alone I think this is the quiet time I mention that I miss Jessie, and I always will. He really is a sweetie and I really did/do love him. Current Mood: guiltyCurrent Music: From Zero - The Other Side |
| Thursday, September 16th, 2004 | |
| 4:56 pm | guyz keep fuckin my world ^_^ Well, ok, had a good day at school today....and with triple english and double sociology you wouldn't think that was possible, but hey =D Free just before lunch, so I came home. All good I hear u cry? well, I thought so ^_^ Was totally amazed when I walked into mah house with a nearly totally topless guy cleaning the house...just like...wow ^_^ lol 18 yrz old 2, yay! OK...Letz c if I can do a profile on him...don't know that much yet, but letz give it a shot =D Name: Adam Age:18 Fav genre of music: R&B and Hip Hop =( What Have I learnt from him:toTing:is to do everything xcept insert dick into pussy!!! Why I'm writing about him in my journal:Because today I walked into the house and found him in a tight white guy-tank top thingy cleaning...CLEANING ahahahahahahaha and cause he'z made me realize I'm not great at talking to guyz or avoiding them and me getting into a "situation"...but hey, he didn't force me to do n e thing, which was kick ass =D Why I'm having issues here: cause I don't know why I can't just let go and let myself be with a real life boy off the net. Yes I keep getting hurt...but I can deal with that!!! And hey, the internet guyz probably wouldn't even mind o.O And plus, Adam only wantz to 'Ting' and not even get to know me so itz not HIM I'm talkin bout gettin wid, just n e guy really =P lolz Ok, I needed to get all that out. Calmeth now...nothing'll happen, but hey, he's cute!! lol I donno, ch00ky was online at the time, and I ignored him basically and feel really bad =( SORRY CH00KY ONE!!!!!!!!!!! *sighz* Like I told ch00ky the other day, I may as well note it down here, Jessie is becomming obsessed with money =( I miss him. Hardly get to talk, and when he's online I neva know what to say...but I'm glad he'z gonna survive over there quite nicely ... but still =( Blue October - RazorbladeIn the day by day collision Called the art of growing up There's an innocence we look for in the stars To be taken back to younger days When there was no giving up On the people we held closest to our hearts Yeah it is you that I remember in that glowing It is you that took my first away from me It is you I set my standards to... to every walk of life I haven't met another you since you were with me. (Chorus) A brief bout with a razorblade cut me I freaked out, thinking people didn't love me I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me In letting go, I am so proud of what I've done In a way, I failed religion I spit the wine from mouth to cup And I reached for something more than just your God Uncle, you spared not your children And while your praying hands are up There's no forgiveness for you! You sick fuck! It is you that I remember in their bedroom It is you that took their first away from them It is you they set their standards to You wounded them for life You were a preacher and suppose to be above men Sing with me (Chorus)A brief bout with a razorblade cut me I freaked out, thinking people didn't love me I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me In letting go, I am so proud of what I've done OMG I LOVE THIS SONG!!!!!!! lol Current Mood:  confusedCurrent Music: Blue October - Razorblade |
| Tuesday, September 14th, 2004 | |
| 6:59 pm | ach Well hey there children, now for our random dose of Crizzy related boredum =) ACH!!!!! I've been feeling random all day X_X Second day @ school today and it wasn't that bad...well day LOL erm, afternoon classes. Double English w00!...Met 2 of my English teacherz...one left to go -.- Before I went I was bouncing along through my day, bored, so I decided to go clean up some old emailz. Low and behold I found the really REALLY long one I got sent by a 'friend of a friend'...well, a 'friend of a Brad' then lol It'z basically a whole conversation 'veronica' and Mr Bradley had when he informed me of him and JO (Josie *twitch*) breaking up. That would have been fine if it hadn't have been when I thought HE and I had something going on. Obviously we did not...well...didn't have something HE considered worth calling 'something'. So when he told me I was slightly...unhappy. Letz put it that way =) N e way, I lost it, threatened to block him (can't remember if I actually did or not cause it was a while ago and I'd lost the internet) and he went to Mz Veronica, apparently feeling shattered that he'd hurt me. And suddenly I'm Mz big bad witch from the world of the dead because I was hurt!!!!! Ah well, I'm over that now. Finding that email just...well...*sighz* made me remember some of the worst times me and Brad had. ehehehehe...heh...-.- He and I have had a few. Mz JO (Josie again ^_^) and Ally (kaede...kagami...whateva the fuck she decidez to use...but she was ally at the time) featured in a lot of them actually. Though one time it was a VANESSA! Wow, I still remember... *mumblez darkly* Though Brad and I have heapz of history...and I was his first real kiss lolz...sad really *sighz* He's also the guy I cheated on Jessie with...I mean ouch. I probably shouldn't talk to him any more, but ... I donno, if I stop it'z like a part of me is like "ah shit, u just stopped...come on woman, bring him back........he hasn't done n e thing THAT bad..." LOL that'z a laugh, but I'll live. I've actually heard that boyo cry...and he don't cry much. Ok so it was my fault he was crying, but that is just not the point. It's not that I'm a saddistic bitch...it'z cause...well...I guess I am the Wiked Witch from the world of the Dead. hehe...joke pplz...yup. But I think hearing him cry did something bad...like create a deeper bond. Fuck lol. I wonder what'll happen if he getz another gf. I wonder what will happen when he getz married? LOL I can just c me at the wedding thinking "Shit, he's actually getting married...and shit, they made me wear a dress >.<" lolz Yup, can c it now!! YAY!!! *sighs* and I am just so screwed if he read this lol. Maybe one day I'll give him the link. See how he handles it...if he even reads it or just grinz and nodz, like everyone else does. I'm not particularly sure n e one would WANT to read this crap, but it'z my crap damnzit so HUSH! ehehhehehe, I am queen...yay!...O_O Jessie could come online right now and I'd still not know what to say to that boyo. Yay! ch00ky'z gone to bed early considering I sorta kept him up till 6:15am yesterday & he only got 5 hrz sleep, where as I got a whole 6 hrz!! ahahahahahahahahaha....wupz 0=) Timelord is eating, go Timelord!! I think he getz so sick of me sometimez ehehehehehe But hey, many ppl do....oooooooooooooooo Kid Rock - Jackson Mississippi me love thiz song ^.^ Usually I hate Kid Rock but hey! lol Jessie got me onto this song! THANK YEW JESSIE ONE! yup, kthanx. lol Ya know, I don't think I can hate n e 1. Ok, so I dislike Josie and Kaede immensley. . . and Tiffany is the scum pond scum that getz sucked up by all those lil creaturez brave enough to touch her, but that'z not the point. Plus, I love Kaede's artwork and Josie's got some kewl work 2. Ok ok, so it was hard to type that, but fuck u lolz O yay...there's no smoke alarmz here...wow =D If something goes horribley wrong downstairz we won't really know until we're turned into crispy fried ch1CK3N ehehehehehehehehe Ach, I'm bored, restless, depressed and annoyed. Great, juuuuuussssttt peachy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^ ooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Metallica, yay XD And hey, least the boredum got the homework done, go me ;) lol Ooooo...just found my song I'm a highlight at the end of this =D And I shall dedicate it to Brad, yes I shall. And now I just gave the link to my journalz to my Timelord...fuck lol But hey, he gotz to go eat...maybe he'll forget the link =D Sevendust - Hedtrip Drama (Dedicated to Bradley T. Jolly)Forever after You killed my laughter All I've done Doesn't matter...self CREATE...CREATE...CREATE Head trip drama With your head so in the cloud Never be the same Never forget the pain Head trip drama With your head so in the cloud Never be the same Never forget the pain Stuck in my head Every word that you said And all of you is dead CREATE...CREATE...CREATE CREATE...Self-Destruction CREATE...Self-Destruction CREATE...Self-Destruction Head trip drama With your head so in the cloud Never be the same Never forget the pain Head trip drama With your head so in the cloud Never be the same Never forget the pain Head trip drama With your head so in the cloud CREATE - Self-Destruction (repeat) CREATE - Head trip drama CREATE - With your head so in the cloud CREATE - Never be the same Never forget the pain CREATE - Head trip drama CREATE - With your head so in the cloud - Self-Destruction Never be the same - Self-Destruction And there u have it, another rant. Hope u enjoyed it children ;) lol Current Mood: restlessCurrent Music: Sevendust - Headtrip Drama |
| Monday, September 6th, 2004 | |
| 6:34 pm | more pointless quizzez  Your: Wondering eyes. Your not quite focused and your quite the day dreamer. Your a bit odd and as many say "Your head is in the clouds." What type of eyes do you have? brought to you by Quizilla omg...go the eyez!! =P lolz  You're Element is Night. You're a loner who is very creative but never show your work to anyone. You may smile a little but sadness or loneliness surround you and other can feel it when they're near you. You have a dark or unusual beauty that makes you mysterious and you probably have a lot of secrets that you've never told anyone. You're beauty is intriging and unorthidox but the real thing that makes you special is your eyes. Something in them makes them like Diamonds in the Rough. What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES) brought to you by Quizilla ^^I like this one =)  Bear Spirit Calls To You ~ Bear is spirit keeper of the West, the place of darkness, maturity and good harvest. Bears are active during the night and day. This symbolizes its connection with solar energy, that of strength and power, and lunar energy, that of intuition. The bear holds the teachings of introspection. When it shows up in your life pay attention to how you think, act and interact. Bear's Wisdom Includes: *Introspection *Healing *Solitude *Change *Communication with Spirit *Birth and rebirth *Transformation *Astral travel *Creature of dreams, shamans and mystics *Visionaries *Defense and revenge *Wisdom Animal Spirit Guides ~ Which One Calls To You? brought to you by Quizilla omg cute iddle bear! W00TZ!  You have a malicious soul! Malice, when defined means, The urge to see the sufferings of others But you dont really mean any harm to anyone, you just like to watch it. Mischievous, cruel, and seducing, you can hurt others with cruel words or just be plain mean. Prank calls, tripping people, and breaking the laws are your favorite past times. You can lie just as easily as laugh, even to a close one. People are intimidated by you because you never let people get close to you. Youre cold, ruthless, and pessimistic behavior drives people away, which show the pain you feel inside. What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures! brought to you by Quizilla o.o erm, evil me!! o.o  You are a Siren. More adventurous than all with a voice like no other you sit on warm rocks and sing to the moon and sea. Yet sometimes shipwrecks find you and raving men want you. You are a bottle of talent and power. What the unknown is you seek to find, and a lover. You have the moon and stars as freinds. There are a very few of you, what a rare find. Will you rate my quiz, I think your voice in just beautiful? What kind of mermaid are you? (Gorgeous Pics) brought to you by Quizilla ahahahahahahahaha, take THAT sailorz! and thatz all the quizzes I can b fucked with doing today!! YAY! Current Mood:  boredCurrent Music: quizz so no song -.- |
| Sunday, September 5th, 2004 | |
| 10:56 pm | fuck it all :) You love some1, u hurt them right? I mean come on...ya do!!...wait, ya don't?!...it'z just me??? ....awww fuck knuckles! lolz I got a surprise today, ch00ky was on waaaay later then he shoulda been. ErM...maybe that'z earlier? LoL o I donno, internet and time jus don go together. I think it'z just sad that I know what time he's on and not on!! BaH -.- n e wayz, he and I had a serious talk, omg go us!! It wasn't really all that serious, but it was about the whole 'Mitch' part of my life. I'm very very thankful after it all he didn't just call me a 'pathetic loser' which he wouldn't have n e wayz (As he pointed out lolz) but hey!! I don't feel all that well after it. And Jessie pops up through the middle of it with the "I don't think you love me anymore" -.- Fuck it. I nearly told him "no i don't, fuck off and never talk to me again" but that woulda been a lie and woulda resulted in him doing juuuusstt that which is NOT what I want at all =( Hmmmm, what do I want? I donno that either. And then, riiiiight b4 he goes, he humiliates me. I donno how come i'm so embarrassed and humiliated...but...and...ARRRRRRRRRRG! Right now if he knew I was writing about him in a journal he'd get so cocky...or he'd just think I was so lame X_X a girl can't win. I'm not sure n e 1 can win against him. Just lucky that hardly n e 1 knowz about this babble spot, and the onez that do (*wavez at her hephy ^.^*) don talk to Jessie, I mean omg bonus!! w00tz w00tz kaz00tz!!!! fuck it, do I love him? .... yes. Righty-o. Do I wanna make thingz better with him?.... omg fuck yes... ah shit lolz I was hoping that was a no questions...but nope! YAY!! OmG, I wanna hurt some1, weee!! Not gonna though cause that'z just sad and I'm in too much pain to hurt n e thing n e way. Oooo the painness... ehehehehe sad, I finally met up with someone I know =D...and he has to be another taswegion moved to LoNdOn! O yay! But aside from that, it was so good to c him that I coulda cried. He, Robyn, Ray, mumma and yours truly (me ya tosserz :P lol) hung out allll day and it was magic!! Nathan and I ran around Hyde Park like we were 5 yrz old again and climbed trees and just generally had fun. I'm so sore today but happy =D lol Oh...and I swear...never tempt fate lolz Nathan and I, trailing after the 3 adults through the rose garden in Hyde Park, we're walking through an archway with pidgeons sitting above us. Me: If one of those birds poop on my head... Bird: *POOP...SPLAT!* Me: *hand to head* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Nathan: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG IT JUST...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *breathe* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH lolz bah!!!!! BAH I TELLZ U! LoL ok, over it now, seems almost...funny =O XD lolz I wish I could draw, I got a funny image in mah head of that scene screaming to be drawn! lolz HmmmmMMMmmmM, I wonder what would happen if I did get ta meet ch00ky in 2 yrz like our lil ebil mindz r planning ! lol Hmmmmm, I read some of my story to ch00ky today...I mean come on, 'story time on mic' ... got a ring to it no? teehehehehehe and the plus is, he seems to enjoy it, so it'z all good =D Had another tiff with Kevin today aswell. Omg that boy has issues...or maybe it's me with the issues? He's going all winey on my sarcasticness *sighz* He livez around 20 minz away, but he's too much of a wuss to even bother to come meet me. Or maybe he just doesn't want to. It got to the point today of me just wanting to give up and never talk to him again. A part of me thinx that'll make him happy, but a part of me refuses to give up and to let go. Damn bloody stubborness!!!! I mean ok, I've told him he's been treating me like shit. Maybe I'm being too harsh. I mean...ya I came to this country with my mum, having no1 else at all, yes I've been lonely, yes I've been fucked around by every1 over here, but he just doesn't wanna know about it. He's all like "I met up with Rachel and see how that turned out?!" well ya, I can understand that...but fuck it, I'M NOT RACHEL!! And I happen to actually like Rach, she's a hell of a lot nicer then Kev, and she actually listens to me for 5 minutes without taking personal offence at something I've said. Jessie Jessie Jessie. Why do I love him? Why don I jus give up? lolz weee, giving up would b fun. But I don think so. Not on him. *sighs* "Ya c ya hurt me once, and I never really healed =O" <---- one of his commentz today. Made me feel even more like shit, specially as the 'Mitch' Talk was going on with ch00ky at the same time =) O, and Greg, omg he's a sweetie and I feel like shit >.< One of his comments today? Man, too many to jus list. And Ava's been treating him like shit...i mean BITCH!!...ok so I was worse...but damnzit -.- ACH! He genuinely feels sorry for me that it'z taken me this long to be able to call Mitch an assehole and mean it. HAHAHAHAHAHa >.< shit! lolz I love that word...$#!+ squeee!! Greg hates Mitch too. Wow...=( They used to be best of friends...then I stuffed em up. But I never cheated on Greg. I dumped Greg b4 gettin wid Mitch. I mean at least I can say that. Where as Jason and Jessie...uh, that got really messy, but Jason has the memory span of a gnat and the IQ to match...so hey =) And omg, brad, I talked to him yesterday...that was the weirdest thing, I'd sent him 2 emails the day b4, and then he pops up, like after months of no word from him, lmao wow, go me, psychic and able to make Pidgeons shit on my head!!! bow down to my powerz!!! Hmm shit, shall try and talk about all the guyz in this entry a lil more together. [22:11:34] Linkin Park : if you ever decide someday that you still love me just send me an email and ill drop everything [22:11:51] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: o.o [22:12:04] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i don think so boyo, i've screwed u're life up enough [22:12:22] Linkin Park : ya well i need someone to do that.. other girls are too boring He is usually a real jerk to me but today was jus...different... *sighz* [20:48:31] ch1Ck3N| kal: u think i would be turned off you somehow [20:48:36] ch1Ck3N| kal: how is that possible =\ [20:49:43] ch1Ck3N| kal: granted you live on the other side of the world at the moment and the possibility of you being ch00kys missus is a tad impossible...but yeh erm....you've startled me [20:50:06] ch1Ck3N| kal: or shocked me maybe. hmm startled kinda not workin in there Mr ch00ky being shocked, wow. Then he got tha whole Mitch talk, omg poor boyo lolz [21:48:52] Jessie |I <3: u can love whoever u would like [21:49:13] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: even if it'z you? [21:51:36] Jessie |I <3: yep [21:52:00] Jessie |I <3: how come u love me? [21:52:06] Jessie |I <3: what did i do that was so special? [21:52:49] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i don't think it was n e 1 thing you did [21:54:34] Jessie |I <3: oh [21:54:42] Jessie |I <3: well i guess thats a good thingf [21:55:10] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ya don sound so sure [21:56:06] Jessie |I <3: cuz u hurt me really bad once, and i never healed :-O =( [10:19:45] +Ðark¥o§hii : **pokes back** Still poking as always! Haha! [10:19:52] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: lolz [10:19:56] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: naturally :$ [10:20:00] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: and u've missed a lotta poking [10:20:04] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: so i gotta make up 4 lost time :-O [10:20:05] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: lol [10:20:31] +Ðark¥o§hii : Oh dear..A year worth, aye? [10:20:40] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ahahaha yup [10:20:41] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: :D [10:20:55] +Ðark¥o§hii : Could be painful..Heh. [10:21:00] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: lolz naw [10:21:21] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: a decent tickle/poke attack and u'll b all caught up ^.^ [10:21:22] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: lol [10:21:40] +Ðark¥o§hii : Keehee..Is that so? [10:22:00] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: yupz :D [10:22:08] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: but right now, i gotta go have shower [10:22:10] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: and go out for the day [10:22:31] +Ðark¥o§hii : Awww...=( ahahaha aww he sayz ^.^ ya, sad really, more interesting convoz aggesss ago, but hey, was good to c him again =) [20:25:40] Kev.. MmMmMm: wht u gone off me or sommit? [20:25:49] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: naw, thought u'd gone off me [20:25:57] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: therefore i gone all quiet n left u alone [20:26:23] Kev.. MmMmMm: mmm thought as much.. [20:26:31] Kev.. MmMmMm: 8-) [20:26:34] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: sure u did [20:26:38] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: u were in a shit with me last time [20:26:46] Kev.. MmMmMm: anyway.. i mite not be around much longer.. my comp is really going down the pan [20:27:14] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: :( [20:27:18] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: bugger [20:27:54] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: so, u gonna disappear, an not have to deal wid me n e more? lol [20:28:12] Kev.. MmMmMm: look dnt start pissing me off again.. [20:28:15] Kev.. MmMmMm: i will ring u.. [20:28:17] Kev.. MmMmMm: alright.. [20:28:21] Kev.. MmMmMm: to meet up sometime. [20:28:24] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: kev, i wasn't tryin to piss u off [20:28:27] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: it was a joke [20:28:28] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: hence [20:28:29] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: the lol [20:28:29] Kev.. MmMmMm: but it wnt be b4.. the 8th.. [20:28:33] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: no need to bite my head off [20:28:55] Kev.. MmMmMm: or maybe not the 28th.. ive got shit loads of work to do.. and im starting A2.. and il get more and more work... and it gets on top of me [20:29:17] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ya, that'z y i wanted to meet u earlier, so school wouldn't come piss on us [20:29:32] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i'm going to be handling two loads of work [20:29:43] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: but thank you for caring boutz my situation :) [20:29:59] Kev.. MmMmMm: but thank you for caring boutz my situation [20:30:04] Kev.. MmMmMm: whts tht mean.. [20:30:09] Kev.. MmMmMm: sarcasm or sommit? [20:30:47] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: y do i come home, sore and tired only to get guyz being pissy at me? Look Kev, hun, do whatever you wanna ok? We will meet sometime. [20:31:07] Kev.. MmMmMm: aww dnt bother then.. [20:31:13] Kev.. MmMmMm: i cnt be bothered with ur sarcasm.. [20:31:18] Kev.. MmMmMm: why cnt ya jus talk straight! [20:31:29] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: i'm not being fucking sarcastic [20:31:51] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~ Crystalz r flowerz of the mineral world says: y do i come home, sore and tired only to get guyz being pissy at me? Look Kev, hun, do whatever you wanna ok? We will meet sometime. [20:31:57] ~¤~Ç®ìZz¥~¤~: ^^^^^^ 100% genuine Ya, so it makes me look like a bitch...fuck it all! :) kthanx N e wayz, I think that'll be enough about them tonight. YAY!!!..*sighz* Now I gotta chose between (Hed)p.e - Bartender & Hoobastank - Out of controlAin't nothing working ain't nothing right There's a whole in me that I can't fill No matter how hard I try I've done everything as you say I've followed your rules without question I thought it would help me see things clearly But instead of helping me to see I look around and it's like I'm blinded Hey bartender hit me with a double And introduce me to that girl with the bubble I'm looking for trouble tonight No momma don't trust me tonight You be the center baby I'd be the quarterback Hike hit the tailback Watch it on playback Jah smash that hitting that redbone Up in the endzone biting on the collarbone I'm spinning out of control Out of control I'm spinning out of control Out of control I just want your company I just want you to comfort me just come with me Where should I go? What should I do? I don't understand what you want from me Cause I don't know If I can trust you I don't understand what you want from me Hey bartender hit me with another I just about had to kill this brother Shit I'm looking for trouble tonight You be the beauty - baby I'd be the beast Who gives a fuck take it to the bedroom Take it the streets Take it like a man muthafucker Yo bitch chose me muthafucker I feel like I'm spinning out of control Try to focus but everything's twisted And all along I thought you would be there (Thought you would be there) To let me know I'm not alone But in fact that's exactly what I was I just want your company I just want you to comfort me just come with me I just want your company I just want you to comfort me just come with me I'm spinning out of control Out of control I'm spinning out of control Out of control Take me there take me with you I can't be alone tonight I can't trust myself tonight I can't trust myself tonight Baby please don't trust me tonight Where should I go? What should I do? I don't understand what you want from me Cause I don't know If I can trust you All of the things you've said to me Take me there take me with you I can't be alone tonight I can't trust myself tonight I can't trust myself tonight No you can’t trust me tonigh I may never know the answer To this endless mystery Where should I go? What should I do? I don't understand what you want from me Ain't nothing working Ain't nothing right There's a whole in me that I can't fill No matter how hard I try Ain't nothing sweeter there ain't nothing wrong All the pain that I receive keeps me strong It keeps me moving on Is it a mystery? Is it a mystery? I'm spinning out of control Out of control I'm spinning out of control Out of control I'm spinning out of control Out of control I'm spinning out of control... I just want your company I want you to comfort me just come with me I just want your company I want you to comfort me just come with me I just want your company I want you to comfort me just come with me Where should I go? What should I do? I don't understand what you want from me Cause I don't know If I can trust you All the things you've said to me And I may never know the answer To this endless mystery Where should I go? What should I do? I don't understand what you want from me I'm spinning out of control Out of control I'm spinning out of control Out of control Comfort me Just come with me Comfort me Just come with me Current Mood: rejectedCurrent Music: (hed) p.e - Bartender & Hoobstank - Out of control |
| Monday, August 23rd, 2004 | |
| 1:39 am | Simple... Nothing is every simple...nothing is ever easy...like a quote I read recently "If there's no obsticals in u're path it's not a fair fight" hehe I just sorta wish I didn't have my obsticles. I'd quite happilly curl up into an iddle ball and make it all go away...but somehow I don't think that's going to happen. I don't really know what I'm complaining about...there's ppl much worse off. Then again...there always is... and most likely will always be. And things can always seem worse to the person it's happening too... *sighs* omg I love this song.... Shinedown - Simple Man it's just gorgeous *pouncez and hugglez song* Tiz a cover of a Lynard Skynard song...but hey!! ok, enough of the bitchiness =D I just wish my hephy would talk to me...she probably is mad ='( I'M SORRY HEPHY!!!!!!!!!!!!! ooommmmmg Tool - Aenima love love LOVE!!!!! ooo ooo ...simple man again!!! kkz...might end this now...paste lyrics n stuff =D Shinedown - Simple ManWell Mama told me when I was young Said sit beside me, my only son And listen closely to what I say. And if you do this It will help you some sunny day. oh Take your time... Don't live too fast, Troubles will come and they will pass. You'll find a woman and you'll find love, And don't forget that there is a someone, up above. (Chorus) And be a simple kind of man. Be something you love and understand. Be a simple kind of man. oh Won't you do this for me son, If you can? You get your lust from the rich man's gold All that you need now is in your soul, And you can do this oh baby if you try. All that I want for you my son, Is to be satisfied. (Chorus) Oh, don't you worry... you'll find yourself. Follow you heart and nothing else. And you can do this oh baby if you try. All that I want from you my son, Is to be satisfied. (Chorus) Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: Shinedown - Simple kind of man |
| Tuesday, August 10th, 2004 | |
| 12:51 am | I'm baaaccckkkk Yay for backness!! There is so much I have to babble about that I'm not sure I wanna babble about it all...but I will eventually!! so ha HA!! And Hephy...I have a feeling you think I'm mad at you or something? Or...maybe that's me...r u mad at me or something hun? Chippy hopes you're not mad hephy one!! Thingz haven't been that great over here...had a lot of problems getting a house...a computer...the internet... and I don't start school until Sept so I don't get to meet that many people =/ But despite all that, it's actually quite cool...xcept for the little fact that ALL MY FRIENDS R HOME!!!...my godz i'm tired...i'll battle this journal l8a =D ~EDIT~ I DIDN'T PUT UP THE WORDZ OF THE SONG!!!!!!!!!!! O_O Joe Satriani - I believeI've been out walking for hours. I've got something on my mind. How did we get here? Where are we going? And why is life so hard? I read the stories, see the photographs. World's in a crazy space. I've got to hold on to my dreams; There's just no other place. There's just no other place. CHORUS: I believe We can change anything. I believe We can rise above this. I believe There's a reason for everything. I believe In my dream. I've seen the shadows of the living. Seen them turn and walk away. And I keep searching for the right words To send these thoughts away. There's a picture I like to look at, A picture of a beautiful face. And I see something in her eyes, Sends me to a better place. Sends me to a better place. CHORUS I believe We can change anything. I believe In my dream. Current Mood:  exhaustedCurrent Music: Joe Satriani - I believe |
| Monday, March 1st, 2004 | |
| 11:44 pm | *snifflez n wavez to her Hephy* Well here it is, my last night with a PC, aboutz to play gammon with my Hephy one... Just read her journal entry...omg I'm nearly crying here Lolz...she b the most specialest Purple Hephy n e body could ever have! She even remembered our history!!! *Feelz very very special* Now I've just got Wendy Matthews - The day you went away on repeat. Tiz fun playing gammon with my hephy =) I haven't really got a lot to say today (Scary stuff!!!!!) but I feel very Loved and depressed at the same time. LoLz Mah friend Evan is drawing a pic of a chibi me as a Freak on a Leash, should b good ta c =D Teehehehehe Jessie's buzzing aboutz Gothika...tellingz me itz a must c...wellz, I shall watch it den n c! muhahah! lolz mmmmz, I might just stop writingz now... Love this song...and since I have it on repeat I may aswell put the lyricz in here like my dearest Hephy did *hugz her hephy morez* Crizzy - MiXeDIt's true The way I feel Twas promised by your face The sound of your voice Painted on my memories Even if you're not with me I'm with you I wonder what your doing imagine where you are there's oceans in between us but that's not very far But it feels And it feels like You're so far away And it stings Yeah it stings now The world is so cold Now that your far away I wonder what your doing imagine where you are there's oceans in between us but that's not very far You Now I see Keeping everything inside (With You) You Now I see Even when I close my eyes I wonder what your doing imagine where you are there's oceans in between us but that's not very far But I would kill I would fight To keep you close I keep singing the same way I won't live If you died If I can feel you in the wind I wonder what your doing imagine where you are there's oceans in between us but that's not very far This is me It's my life I'll need you close to sing It's the same beginning Gone away It's the same old, same old song Gone away I wonder what your doing imagine where you are there's oceans in between us but that's not very far And I can't say And I don't know How far I'll go And I can't say And I don't know How far I'll go Gone away I wonder what your doing imagine where you are there's oceans in between us but that's not very far I wonder what your doing imagine where you are there's oceans in between us but that's not very far I changed my mind...(lolz if ya didn't notice) This song is 4 all my friendz even though only Hephy will probably c it! This song is made up from Linkin Park-With you, Blurry - Puddle of Mud, Offspring - Gone away and Cold - Gone away, Current Mood:  lovedCurrent Music: Wendy Matthews - The day you went away |
| Sunday, February 29th, 2004 | |
| 3:35 am | Welcome to my world BITCH (not u Hephy...tis quoted from Freddy Krueger ^_^) doo doo STUPID GIRL...doo doo STUPID GIRL! Gotta love Cold - Stupid Girl...just beautiful...1st Cold song I think I ever heard heh *sighz* Had a long long outburst yesterday... had fun comment conversation with my Hephy though. Had another fun comment conversation with her on her other one aswell, hehe. Tis kewl knowing u have good friendz...so y, right now, do I feel abandoned and alone? Hephy had to go to bed ages ago...and I can understand that..but ... I donno...every1's just scadaddlingz...I meanz...Benny...>_< *sighz* I do love him. But sometimez he can just not notice how I am at all...I mean...O I don't know what I mean. But he's got his own problemz so I can understand him not noticing mine =) Though hey...he did sorta notice that no...not everything was ok coupla dayz ago (erm...the day I wrote the entry with 'Metallica - Fade to Black' featured...) but he still left me then. I mean...he knew something was up...and...he...left. *hugz herself quietly* Why do I always feel like this? I mean....sometimez the feeling goes away...but...neva completely...ooo Rick Astley - Cry for help...also beautiful song. Sorta reminded my SB of me...heh >_< "She's taken my time, convinced me she's fine...but when she leavez I'm not so sure, it'z always the same, she's playing her game, and when she goes, I'll be to blame...why wont she say she needs me? I know she's not as strong as she seems..." lolz me? strong? HEHEHE...though I think I fool a lotta ppl into thinking I'm strong...though sometimez my stubborness makes up for what I lack in strength! w00...go me...-_- Fucking hell, I don't wanna be a person that just babblez all their problemz...yet I'm hooked on these journalz...I mean...I won't babble all my problemz here obviously just in case some1 findz it that I didn't want to find it...but...well...gah I donno. I just need a place to let me work out what tha hell'z going on in my head...and when i just lock myself up in my head I get scared...lolz who wouldn't if they looked into my mind? Sublime - Wrong way...w00tz w00tz...good song. 1st Sublime song I heard thanx 2 Jessie. I dont think I can even get started on babbling about him in my journalz. Will scare me n whoeva readz it 2 much hehehe. Then again if I babbled about n e 1 I guess it'd scare all involved. O w00tz...Cold - Suffocate! "I could take every fucking word she said, throw it in her face, would she even care?! i still remember when she looked at me, frown upon her face, trying to be sincere!!" Brilliant song =) Thatz something I do when I'm lonely...music...music can never abandon me...if I ever go deaf I think I'd rather die. Blind I guess I could handle long as I had my music...or even mute! If I went mute I'd just live on the net longer hehehe I'm in pain...a lot of it...y? As Jessie so wonderously pointed out, nothing bad has happened to me. I've had no major problemz like him...or n e 1 else >.< yet I'm full of pain...bleeding through my fingerz as I try to hold the woundz together..."you lie...I DON'T LIE...you're a fake...I'M NOT A FAKE!! U always take...I DON'T TAKE...what u can...WHAT I CAN" Bloody hell... good song but...gah...I HAVE NO GODDAMN REASON TO HURT!! ... Saliva - Your Disease... awsome song!! Also one of the 1st I've heard of Saliva...cept maybe CLICK CLICK BOOM ... thatz good aswell. "And I wanna take u down...but u're soul cannot b found...doesn't matter much you see...cause u're disease is killing me... and u know itz only right...cause it feelz like paradise...though nothing is for free...cause u're disease is killing meee" <-- gorgeous gorgeous song. <3 <3 Then again, I love all my music. hmm...I keep deleting whatever I write. One thing was to do with Jazzie...another my father...I don think I can babble n e more aboutz my probz or my pain. I'm sounding like a freaking wuss n e wayz. *Silently feelz her wallz going back up n sighz* gah >_< I should just hush I guess. My problemz rn't really worth voicing... Journey - Faithfully...absolutely gorgeous...whenever I hear this I think of Jessie. Maybe it'z cause he suggested it...maybe itz cause I wasn't very faithful 2 him even though I wanted to be. Not that he'd believe that. He'd probably laugh in my face if he ever read this n start questioning me again "Why do it then? Huh? WHY?! Everyone does something for a reason..." I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing by telling him that I'd cheated, if I coulda kept it a secret and tried extra hard to make it up to him...He gave me a second chance u know...a whole second chance...but I had to prove I love him...prove it...and I couldn't...I didn't know how...I tried...but...I couldn't. N I guess he knew it...the second chance didn't last that long. We just couldn't talk n e more...I mean...we're friendz now (I think...) but then I guess it'z hard to tell with him. And I'm sorta with Benny now...sorta...sad word SorTa methinx...though no, I can't say proudly "I'm Benny'z gf" because he'z not my bf. ...Papa Roach - Last resort...good song... "CUT MY LIFE INTO PEICES...THIS IS MY LAST RESORT...SUFFOCATION...NO BREATHING...DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF I CARRY ON BREATHING!" ..."losing my site...losing my mind...wish somebody would tell me i'm fine..." >_< ouch. I wanna crawl into some1'z armz...have them tell me I'm fine and it not be a lie. I really like honesty...but I'm not very good at it. Not very good at faithfullness either. Or helping ppl... >_< Wonder if there's n e thing I am good at? hehehe Doubt it ^_^ But hey! Ya know...the guy I was most faithful 2 was Mitch...I just couldn't imagine being with n e other guy when I thought of him...no other guy could even get me to even consider being with them. That backfired I guess...Mitch n Tiff eh? hehehe >_< Jessie and I talked about love once. He asked me what I thought love was...n I said something about there being levelz of love...he said about some1 getting ALL the love...and I know what he meant. That'z how it was with me and Mitch, I donno how one sided it was...but I gave him ALL of my love...all of my being...spose thatz y I've never been able to do that again. Hurtz too much...Mitch almost destroyed me >_< Ya know...sometimez when thingz r goin good with a guy...I just wreck it...and...I dont mean 2...but I do...like...with Jessie I was so loved...and I loved him so much...i thought it was actually more then I loved Mitch...then I go cheat on him... I mean...how dumb can u get?! I think that'z one of the thingz I regret most in my life...cheating on Jessie then not being able to show him just how much I loved him when he gave me my second chance.... heh, n e 1 reading this would say I'm still in love with him...but he helped me work something out...the difference between love and IN love...I still love him yes, but he's not the one I'm in love with....or maybe he is, who knowz? And Benny...geezus I don't know whatz happening. I really love him...but I don't think I can help him...I don't think I'm good for him...but I think I'm IN love with him... but with my fucked up emotionz, who can know? >_< Geezus... Metallica - Tuesdays gone...hehe...Maybe one day it'll b 'Crystal'z gone'...cue the Cold n Offspring songz...Gone Away...love them both...>_< Ooo Wendy Matthews - The day you went away...ouch >_< beautiful song...but...I donno...when I'm in one of my pitiful sad moodz I sing this n cry...sad sad sad >_< grrrrrr...Only just found out about a Metallica special...showing ALL of their clipz...ALL of them o.o and I can't find a tape...*criez* I can't even watch it cause my head'z been on the verge of xplodng all day and if i watch it it'll push my head to xploding point...and if it doesn't kill me...the 'elderz' in the house will :'( Though Kingy'z taping it !! And I bet Jazzie is 2...or she'll die...geezus I hope she's taping... Trapt - Echo... :'( this song is purdiful...always nearly makez me cry! hahaha sad eh? lucky that on that cd mah 3 fav songz r in a row... 'These Walls', 'Still Frame' and of course ' Echo'. All I just love... *Sighz* Maybe I should become a Hooker...wouldn't have to worry about who the hell fucked me...get payed 4 it....and probably scare off n e boyfriendz so that I wouldn't have to cope with all this emotional fuckage. I mean come on... >_< Hmmmm.....maybe I should just not get the Net in England....might help me out...also might kill me but hey! heh -_- KoRn - Shootz n Ladderz...w00tz w00tz! go me! =) Getting hooked on a lotta KoRn recently, guess it'z betta then PoRn haha *shakez head* I really am pathetic today!! lolz My bro coughed up blood.......can't b good >.< O....and Benny'z wasting away >_< He hasn't eaten...won't eat...for aboutz 10-11 dayz now...and he sayz I shouldn't blame myself but maybe there's a reason he can't eat... Took me a while to get out of him what that reason could b...and he said 'maybe itz cause u're leaving'....ha HA don't blame myself....geezus >_< Linkin Park - By myself...."i can't hold on when i'm stretched so thin, i make the right movez but i'm lost within...i put on my daily facade again, but i just end up getting hurt again by myself...MYSELF!!!!" >_< I always end up hurting ppl...I don mean to...but I do...=( Ya know, Benny made me promise once that I won't hurt myself?! *sighz* Makes it sound like I'm gonna do myself real harm...hehehe... OOOOOOOOo Sevendust - Angel's Son <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 gorgeous!! Kingy wanted me to get this song...then Jazzie got it on tape from a friend...and...wow...*worshipz* "life is changing, i can't go on, without u...rearraging, i will b strong...i'll stand by u...u were fighting every day, so hard to hide the pain! I know you'll enver say goodbye...i had so much left to say..." just beautiful. Ya know, I was lyin in bed tha other day...n I just wondered where I'm gonna end up. Once mah friend Clare made a prediction that I'm gonna be a 5 time divorcee with many many kidz, each with a different dad... sad really... though knowing my luck it'll happen. I donno what the hellz going to happen to me...>_< grrrrrr!! Limp Bizkit - Hold on...omg...beyond beautiful...This song...is just...and... "U keep ur'e distance, I can't deny u... I've got the feeling...can't satisfy u...i've got u're picture on the wall...I've got the picture long gone...U keep u're wishes, I'll keep my feelingz, there goes another one that kept me breathing...I'm waiting 4 u...I'm never leaving...I'll still adore u...U'll never need me..." omg omg omg beautiful!!! I nearly wrote the ChiCk3n one a Love email 4 reccomending this song!! LoLz Good 'Ol Timmy ^_^ Though grrrr...he gotta c Metallica in concert...and I didn't!!! geezus!!! I missed Metallica *cries so hard she'z actually embarrassed* Ya know...I think I'm a make an Index at the end of this email to note all the songz I've mentioned...Tis gotta b one or 2 lolz...o.o And now I'm a just gonna have to find one song to give the wordz 2...meeeeeeep!! Ah well, I'll decide that when i've noted them all down! ^_^ ...OOOOOOOOoo Limp Bizkit - Down another day...love this one 2...! "Don't have to bore u with detailz....I'll never let u down, And in the morning the sunrise Will never let u down, If i could hold u tomorrow...I'll never let u down, And when she's golden, the ocean will never let u down!" BWA!!...o right...list...ok...erm... Rick Astley - Cry for help Sublime - Wrong way Cold - Suffocate! Saliva - Your Disease Saliva - CLICK CLICK BOOM Journey - Faithfully Papa Roach - Last resort Metallica - Tuesdays gone Cold - Gone away Offspring - Gone away Wendy Matthews - The day you went away Trapt - Echo Trapt - These walls Trapt - Still Frame KoRn - Shootz n Ladderz Linkin Park - By myself Sevendust - Angel's Son Limp Bizkit - Hold on Limp Bizkit - Down another day Wendy Matthews - Token Angels Linkin Park - Pushing me Away ^_^ Love my music...only 1 Tallica song though...sad really o_O Righty -O ...Limp Bizkit - Hold On it tiz!! ooo but Wendy Matthewz - Token Angelz just came on...no...right *getz a grip...* mmmph, one day I might actually get a grip hehe...-_- ooo OOO ...Linkin Par - Pushing me Away ... sometimez that'z how I feel with Benny :(:(:( GAH! Limp Bizkit - Hold On!You keep your distance, I can't deny you I've got the feeling, can't satisfy you I've got your picture on the wall I've got the picture, long gone You keep your wishes I'll keep my feelings There goes another one that kept me breathing I'm waiting for you I know your leaving I still adore you, you never need me Hold on I found another way to let you go away Hold on You found another way to bleed my soul away The things you told me to hear you speak I'm burning slowly I'm growing weak You bring me closer to yesterday Yesterday's a million miles away Why can't you hear me? Why can't I sleep? And I don't understand what keeps me breathing I'm waiting for you I know your leaving I'll still adore you, you'll never need me Hold on I found another way to let you go away Hold on You found another way to bleed my soul away x4 Really Love this song <3 Just gorgeous *nodznodz* N hey...I've managed to cheerz up a bit since I started this...which gotta b good since I started at 1:44am and now it'z 3:35am... *sighz* Current Mood: lonelyCurrent Music: Limp bizkit - Hold On (twas hard picking one this time >_<) |
| Saturday, February 28th, 2004 | |
| 1:08 am | OFFS GET A GRIP!!! Geezus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so annoyed...at me...at Mike...at the whole fucking world!!!!!!!!!!!! O_O Mike...mah bro...and...gah. I've been so insecure lately though I haven't really noticed it and and I've let ppl see it...I don't wanna do that...I don't usually do that...I don think >_< ...I mean...he's not a real bro since I'm an only child...but I've sorta adopted him as one and he's sorta adopted me as a sis...n I keep hassling him lately about whether he n I r still bro n sis...I love him like a bro n I'm pretty sure he lovez me like a sis so I don't know why the hell I keep asking him and why the hell I feel so bloody insecure! THough, tisn't just with him I've shown it >_< Benny...yesterday...and it hurt him >_< geezus *feelz heavy* And I've even asked my own mother if she lovez me...I mean FFS.....!!!!! I don think I'm insecure about these particular ppl...I think it'z love...damnzit all to hell. It'z all Love's fault!! Mitch is back...he was the one to cut me the deepest if the truth be told (which it is now *sighz*) and he n I have been talkin again normally (well...in our normal perverted way lolz o_O) and I think it'z healing me. HAHAHA how sad...the 1st time I talked to him I had a total panic attack and emailed a really weird email to mah bestie Jaz...I only just realized I saved it to the 'sent mail' folder so hell, why don't I just post it here? Someone might even get a laugh! ahahaha...-_- god I'm pathetic...it'z...and...I'm sitting here...looking up "Tiffany Crouch"es on msn...O ya, His fioncee. HAHAHAHAHA not married...engaged! OOOOOOOooo and he's on deviantart aswell! w00tz 4 deviantart! FUCK DEVIANTART TO HELL AND BACK!!! FUCKING CUT IT OPEN AND POUR VINEGAR AND LEMON JUICE INTO THE GAPING MAGGOTTY HOLE!!!!! *breathez* First pic I clicked on... http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/5271302/ Tiz 5:44am...i could even call u soon HAHAHAHAHa...not going 2 though...I'd break down...I'm so close to just losing it...OH and I was a big enough idiot to mention to him that i was on deviantart aswell! HAHAHahahAHAHA i acted like everything was fine...that I'm completely over him, I mean hey! Y SHOLDN"T I B?! He's going to have a look aswell. AHHHH WHAT THE FUCK!?! Should just be glad I didn't put 'Ode to Mitch' up there huh? LOLz fucking hell fucking hell fucking goddamn blood splattered lower level of AGONY AND HEARTWRENCHING, BLOOD SINGING FIREY PAIN! I...am...ok! OK?! Ok! K thanx as Jessie would say. HAHAHA If Jessie could only talk to me know...fuck knowz what he'd do...laugh maybe? Thank god Benny's not here...geezus >_< Imagine HIS reaction "oh...u love him still?"...."NO!!!"..."o, well...have fun with him...i'll go drive u're sanity further into Never Never Land by karking it :D" fuck fuck fuck HOW SELF CENTERED AM I?! geezus, is there no boundz to my self centerdness?! Metallica...must have Metallica...OOOOOOOO looky! FADE TO BLACK! *cranx it up* HAHahaHAHAHAHAHAHahahHA fuck....................................m "U know...Whatson...I think she's losing it!" "Losing what old chap?" "Her last scarick of sanity! All that healing she's done since she cracked at her best friendz house, well, elementary suggestz that she hadn't done n e healing at all! In stead...covered it! ha HA! Rn't we good Mr So Good Whatson?" "Oh yes, we're just the best!!" "Oh no...Mitch is the best...let us not forget that! After all dear chap, he helped bring all this to light!" "Oh yes! Jolly good show he put on! Or indeed, SHE put on...Master Actress! Or was she just numbed by shock Homes?!" "Does it indeed matter u pompus old hippo?! We have cracked the case...and she has cracked herself...clear through the middle! O dear...what a spot of bother! Imagine trying to find all those lil scattered peices of her old ticker!!" HAHAHAHA yay 4 whatson n Homes!!!!!!!!!!!!...I'll bite them both, I swear to whateva is holy that neither of them will get away with this!! I've heard of having voices in u're head...but how about the ones that whisper to u're soul. Laughing gleefully when the soul shudderz and shakes in the darkness? Or is it that the voices in our head really r those preying on our souls? Or, infact...wishing that they were anywhere else?! HAHAHA...The voices in our head screaming "is she dead yet?!" they lurk...LURKERZ!! LURKERZ ALL OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think I'll be able to cry soon as I go to bed...I mean...then I'll have time to cry...I shan't b writing evil emailz! HAHAHA...I need u Jazzie...I need...I donno what ... but why am I hurting this much? it happened HOW long ago? I got it all out in a poem...but just when I learnt to not want to kill n e 1 that callz him an Asshole he comes back and everything resurfaces. EVERYTHING. It'z like...I donno...when the titanic sank but in reverse? Dark deep memories I've 4gotten about floating up again damz them...i'm a throw an iceburg at each one!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_<>_< WEEEEEEEEEEEEE metallica - Poor Twisted ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck...*CRANX IT LOUD AS HER HEADPHONEZ ALLOW* I...uh...shall shuttup now. I'm sorry. I'm fine. Catch ya... Crizzy...AKA Lost Though I sent her another email after that a little more calm I think. Like a song sayz "The 1st cut is the deepest" ... Jazzie keepz singing me that song...not really subtley either. Guess it really hitz home >_< GaH!! Well...I wrote my 1st decent poem when Mitch dumped me. Dumped...ugly ugly word...*prodz it* so close to Humped ... ooooooooooooooooook O_O I'm so normal! Gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah gah! I wanna hurt something...geezus I almost need to! LOL how sad is that?! *hangz head sadly* I'm not even in the mood for chocolate! I mean come on ffs... -_- LOL if Mitch eva read this I'd die >_< I don think Benny would b too happy if he read this either...or Mike infact! Though I don think I gave Benny the right address :O Ya know...it took me up till a coupla monthz ago to actually feel like I was starting to get over Mitch...and since he n I went out like a coupla yrz ago...guess thatz saying something. I mean...I've had boyfriendz after him of course. And I've loved each of them sooo much...but...I donno. Mitch always lurked in the back of my head. It'z not like he meant to or n e thing. He was probably off getting tied to the bed by Tiffanny! heh... (I really wish Greg hadn't given me that bit of information about Mitch n Tiff on Mitch'z b-day...>_<) I'm still not entirely sure Mitch wasn't cheating on me with Tiff...but...I donno... *shrugz* Sometimes I wonder what the real purpose of life is. Sometimez it can be a 'school' other timez it can just be a hell hole...not one single person has a fully happy/perfect life. Not one... And innocence...how long does that really last us? I mean...think of it...little kidz and babiez r probably the only people around that you can honestly say r truly innocent and pure. But sometimez all you have to do is look into their eyez to know the truth, to know that they know damn well they're not. Or sometimez they R truely innocent and pure...those r usually the onez that see the worst thingz a kid can c...itz like fate doesn't want innocence to survive on this world. Naivity yes...but innocence...not that I've noticed. It getz beaten out of you. All the evil in the world just lays into Innocence's back, a whip cutting thick weltz on it's pure skin. The last dying screamz of Innocence echo around the room...the soul that witnessed it baring the dead body inside of itself... the carcass of a once pure thing tainting the soul'z life forever. You can see it in people's eyes. Innocence tries valiently to come into the world with each new soul born into it...and still it fails... *sighz n wrapz her armz around herself to stop shaking* Linkin Park - It'z easier to run...(so fucking true)It's easier to run Replacing this pain with something numb It's so much easier to go Than face all this pain here all alone Something has been taken From deep inside of me A secret I've kept locked away No one can ever see Wounds so deep they never show They never go away Like moving pictures in my head For years and years they've played Chorus: repeat 2X If I could change I would Take back the pain I would Retrace every wrong move that I made I would If I could Stand up and take the blame I would If I could take all the shame to the grave I would It’s easier to run Replacing this pain with something more It’s so much easier to go Than face all this pain here all alone Sometimes I remember The darkness of my past Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have Sometimes I think of letting go And never looking back And never moving forward so There would never be a past Just washing it aside All of the helplessness inside Pretending I don't feel so misplaced Is so much simpler than change Its easier to run Replacing this pain with something numb Its so much easier to go Than face all this pain here all alone It’s easier to run If I could change I would take back the pain I would Retrace every wrong move that I made It’s easier to go If I could change I would take back the pain I would Retrace every wrong move that I made I would If I could stand up and take the blame I would I would take all my shame to the grave Why does every fucking word in that song ring so true? Can anybody answer me that? Current Mood: crappyCurrent Music: Linkin Park - It's Easier to Run |
| Friday, February 27th, 2004 | |
| 3:42 am | QUIZZEZ! I've been doing quizzes 4 agez...but now...I have a place to put the resultz!!!! *gigglez evilly as she does the I've-got-a-place-to-put-my-quizz-resultz dance* EHEM!!! Sooo, in no particular order...here r some quizz resultz! You are night, you are dark and mysterious, you have more than likly been through some kind of truma, depression. you have a creative mind, and more than likly find peace enjoyment in drawing, painting, writing. You are closed and hidden away from people, and hide you emotions behind a wall which you use on people. Try to become more open, spread your creativity, you have no idea of how many people there are out there like you, exposing your art and yourself can make other people come out, so many people would look up to your for your courage and your spirit, your not evil or bad, just missunderstood, so get out there and show them just what you are made of, don't worry about what other people think, it's what you think that really matters. Please rate this quiz!!! What Element Would You Rule Over If You Were A Vampire? brought to you by Quizilla Only just did this...  what's your battle cry? | mewing.net | merchandise! Meep I tell u...MEEP!  Cutest little dragon master. Find out what anime girl you are. o_O ermz...ok!...O_o  See what Care Bear you are.MUHAHAHAHAH!!...scary...ness...O_O  You're Shirou Kamui!
 Find your Role-Playing Stereotype at mutedfaith.com. [Angel.]  Take the What High School Stereotype Are You? quiz.  in my eyes you have lost someone you love or wish you loved. i think youll find the right person one day. good luck. (rate?) in my eyes you are...(pics and different outcomes) brought to you by Quizilla  Take the What Type of Friend are You? quiz, and visit mutedfaith.com. [Me.]  find your element at mutedfaith.com. <º>  What Type of Villain are You? mutedfaith.com / <º>  Your Kagome! you like to hang out with your friends and are always the first person to volunteer to show a new student around, you are kind and giving and enjoy having a occasional sleep-over with the girls! What Inuyasha Character are you? brought to you by Quizilla  You are James hetfield!Leader with Growling vocals,angst,deep lyrics,and are kick ass on rythm guitar. Which Metallica Member are you? brought to you by Quizilla James Hetfield.You have a thing for guys who can can be insitful and seranade a song or read poetry for you. Which Metallica Member Should You Date?(Females Only) brought to you by Quizilla squeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!  Rogue-You are the loner of the x-men team.You are mistrusting,insecure,and lonely.You cane be harsh at times,but its only to hide the fact that you can't get close to anyone cause of your power.You are also a caring tough person and you stick up for your friends. Which X-Men Evolution Character Are You? (X-Men/Xavier Institute Characters) brought to you by Quizilla  your asshole. What swear word are you? brought to you by Quizilla  You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator. "And The Goddess planted the acorn of life. She cried a single tear and shed a single drop of blood upon the earth where she buried it. From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into the world." Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek), Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian). The Goddess is associated with the concept of creation, the number 1, and the element of earth. Her sign is the dawn sun. As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic individual and people are drawn to you. Although sometimes you may seem emotionally distant, you are deeply in tune with other people's feelings and have tremendous empathy. Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your own self. Goddesses are the best friends to have because they're always willing to help. Which Mythological Form Are You? brought to you by Quizilla  You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and creativity, and usually are highly intelligent. Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs. What Type of Soul Do You Have ? brought to you by Quizilla  Darkness is your passion. You can't live without it and you're starting to turn dark. You are interested in things that others fear, sometimes using it against them. So much fun. You think you're pretty dark, but that ain't true. Better watch your back, real dark people may find it fun to teach you a thing or two about REAL darkness...
I took the Inner Dragon online quiz and found out I am a Black Dragon on the inside. If there ever was an aparition of Evil, my Inner Dragon is it. Blackies are a fairly common dragon and are considered one of two harmonious dragons. My antithesis is the White Dragon. Together, we embody the Yin and Yang concept of eastern religions. But I couldn't care less about that garbage. I like to chomp things, cause trouble, and seek unjustified revenge. My favorable attributes are the Moon, the stars, dreams, psychic guidance, seeking truth, and helpful dark magic. Everybody's still got to watch out for me though, because deep down I like to smite at random and have a nasty breath weapon combination of Fire and Acid. *evil grin* Fun, no? I've 4gotten half of these quizzes so I'm a just c how they turned out here....den comment on dem...o.o....and as u can c...I gotz 1 or 2 o_O good lordy! O_O Current Mood: so...many...quizzez... |
| Thursday, February 26th, 2004 | |
| 11:28 pm | -_- Well thingz come in three's...hopefully this time will be the last time I start to write a journal and THIS time I won't lose it!! *fingerz crossed* I'm in a weirdly depressed mood and have no idea why. I guess it'z cause of a book I read but I don't think I can blame it entirely on that. In the book a character 'took the easy way out' and it sorta really hit a cord. Don't ask me why...though tis a really sore point with me I guess. oooooo isn't it great when you're feeling depressed and insecure!! I mean, I even let slip to my Friend (not boyfriend cause apparently it would be harder for us both if I left for the UK and he had the label 'boyfriend' so ya...Friend) a comment I probably shouldn't have...but I didn't think it'd hurt him, just sorta let him know I was feelin sorta unlovable at the moment...buuuut it did hurt apparently. So now I just feel worse for making him feel horrible and he left. hehehe he just left >_< I had hoped he'd come back, but nopez...left me a nice lil text message so I, in response, decided to write him an email. Not really sure if itz a gr8 idea sending the email...but I wrote one anyway and I'll probably end up sending it. Though it'z gonna let him know about my online journalz here, so I donno if itz a good idea...what if he readz something n getz offended? >_< *sighz* I keep staring at the text message n I just wanna cry...but I have no cause to cry. I mean, I'll talk to him tomorrow. And I'm not even sure if the tearz will come. A lot of the time I say I'm crying but I'm not...not with tearz anyway...just feel like the inside of me is being eaten up and is crying silently into the darkness around it. I feel very alone at the moment...which is silly, but...gah I donno. >.< LOL I just wrote the lamest poem... tearz turning them to mud flooding all the hurt drowning tearz of blood I long to be broken Shattered to be free Fears softly spoken Slowly killing me Actually...I like the second stanzer or whateva u callz it o_O *sighz* WoAh...b scared...finally sent the email >.< ...and his email inbox wasn't full!! O_O >_< ah manz...maybe I shouldn't have said n e thing. Just waited to c him tomorrow...IF I get to that is =S I'm a gonna get a nice hot drink...maybe a biccie or 2...mmmz *pauses Metallica - Tuesday'z Gone and scuttlez off to the kitchen* Mmmmzzz...coffeee...tiz truly a beautiful creation ^.^ Caffein hit...Sugarness...tiz all good in itz coffee goodness! N e wayz...I should probablyz stop ramblingz in this journally thing. Metallica - Fade to BlackLife, it seems, will fade away Drifting further every day Getting lost within myself Nothing matters, no one else I have lost the will to live Simply nothing more to give There is nothing more for me Need the end to set me free Things not what they used to be Missing one inside of me Deathly lost, this can't be real Cannot stand this hell I feel Emptiness is filling me To the point of agony Growing darkness taking dawn I was me, but now he's gone No one but me can save myself, but it's too late Now I can't think, think why I should even try Yesterday seems as though it never existed Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye ^^ Beautiful song. Freaked mum out with it once by just cranking it up loud on repeat for a coupla dayz lolz Ah wellz, gotta love Metallica! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 I think this song sorta suitz me right now...though I'm tempted ta put in Kansas - Dust in the Wind...gorgeous song. Might do that next journal entry =D Decided ta put the lyricz to a song in every journal entry...w00tz go me! =b Current Mood: depressedCurrent Music: Metallica - Fade to Black <3 |
| Tuesday, February 24th, 2004 | |
| 9:32 pm | Swimming 4 the Exiled o.O Mmmmz.................so................ N e wayz!! I had a good day today :D I'm moving to the UK so I've had to leave school, but today was their swimming carnival and all mah friendz decided I should go. Well, Cazza did...the otherz didn't know but were nicely surprised...specially mah bestie =D And it worked, they smuggled me in, I got lotza hugz n a whole day with them all, catching up and relaxing, singing various KoRn, Metallica, Linkin Park n Manson songz as the day wore on (plus dodging teacherz...didnt work in the end but they didn't really mind me being there lol) ^_^ Twas just excellent catching up with everyone, shoulda seen some of the double takez i got from the prepz that thought I'd already left though ^________________^ Brie even had a leash that Cazza lead her around with...so funny...and automatically cued 'KoRn - Freak on a Leash' which we sang loudly n happilly. Got some odd lookz...everything was back to normal!! hehehe Jazzie (mah bestie) seemed really glad ta have me there n twas really really good ta spend the day with her. Haven't been able to see her much since we've been so busy with moving and stuff... And Cazza gave me huge hugz n showed me proudly to all of our friendz... And Brie...ahhh she was so frustrating...she's got these gorgeous picz but refuses to put them up on Deviantart because she wantz to put up Photo Manipulation stuff and not sketches... o.O OOOO and she can do a Smeagal/Gollum impersination soooooo well!!!!!!!! I nicked her chain (that she was being lead aroudn with) and she did the impersination with the whole "Givez it to us...cause itz my birthdayz and I wantz it..." and I was so amazed I handed the chain back meekly. MEEKLY!! The utter scariness of it all! But twas such a kewl day...sunburn n everything! lolz Mmmmz...but I gotta go to bed soon, got a BBQ tomorrow with mah new 'school'. Hopez it goez ok... o.o...AHhhhh man...I'm so hooked on this song I'm a have to include it!! LoLz KoRn - FREAK ON A LEASH!!!Something takes a part of me. Something lost and never seen. Everytime I start to believe, Something's raped and taken from me... from me. Life's got to always be messing with me. (You wanna feel alive) Can't they chill and let me be free? (So do I) Can't I take away all this pain. (You wanna feel alive) I try to every night, all in vain... in vain. Sometimes I cannot take this place. Sometimes it's my life I can't taste. Sometimes I cannot feel my face. You'll never see me fall from grace Something takes a part of me. You and I were meant to be. A cheap fuck for me to lay Something takes a part of me. Feeling like a freak on a leash. (You wanna feel alive) Feeling like I have no release. (So do I) How many times have I felt diseased? (You wanna feel alive) Nothing in my life is free... is free Chorus Boom na da mmm dum na ema Da boom na da mmm dum na ema GO! So...fight! something on the... dum na ema Fight...some things they fight So...something on the... dum na ema Fight...some things they fight Fight...something of the... dum na ema No...some things they fight Fight...something of the... dum na ema Fight...some things they fight [Chorus] Part of me... Oh... hehehehe I really do love this song!! Metallica will always be my favourite band BUT KoRn would probably come in the second favourite category (with Cold and several otherz) they have some really kick ass songz...So many in fact that I'm not sure I could pick a favourite O_O But 'Freak on a leash' comes up a lot ... me and my friend 'Ace' (Evan...) have this thing goin where he's my leash master and I'm a freak on a leash...LoLz Kinkily weird ^_^ Tiz kewl ta have friendz like that hehehehe Current Mood: drainedCurrent Music: KoRn - Freak on a Leash ^______^ |
| Sunday, February 22nd, 2004 | |
| 11:40 pm | w00tz...sorta...ya! oooookay! My first journal entry ... the horror! the scariness...the...!...uh okz, the weirdness of it all!! lolz Not gonna spend a long time writing this but I just wanted to note that my good friend Liam is here! w00tz w00tz!! (and some...by freaky circumstances or otherwise... may know him as Avatar...!!) He's come all the way up to the other end of the state and is visiting me :D *feels special* Met him on the internet and now offline aswell! weeeeee...tis kewl ta meet him b4 I move to the UK. He came up yesterday and poor guy had to cope with my whole family...even my father who I hadn't seen for about a month. Happilly surprised that Liam survived the encounter!!!! N e wayz....I had an account on here b4...xx_crystal_xx (I used it once... n still don really know how this whole thing works but hey!) that I may go back to using..but I wanted my friend Hephy to sign up, n I agreed ta make a new account and I'll probably use this one a lot more. Hephy n Chippy is just a thing we've got going. Amazing what ya can come up with huh? Least its not as bad as one of my other nicknamez... "Druken-Gothic-Witch-Prostitute" being one of them hehehe {though that got an 'aborigional' added in there somewhere cause we were out bush at the time n they didn't think a normal prostitute would have much chance...but hey, apparently the leeches r my best customerz ;)} Maybe I should explain that story sometime hahahahaha... Then again...maybe not LoLz N e wayz...LOVE YA HEPHZ!! *chippy hugz* Thanx 4 joining up =D Just hope ya keep writing in regularly...might b able to prod me into remembering to actually enter journal entries...ya neva know!! lolz Current Mood: chipperCurrent Music: Joy to the World...jus...don ask o.o |
