| 12:21a |
To be young and stupid
Nighttime is my favorite time. I have always been a night owl. I love this time of night when most of the world is asleep and it's calm. I can hear the rain on the roof. It's peaceful and quiet. My cat is curled up keeping my feet warm.
I am not going to work tomorrow. I'm going to play hookie. heeheehee
I know what your thinking.
I miss the days when I was young and stupid. Ok, maybe not young and stupid? Yep- definitely stupid.
All I cared about was if a guy liked me or how I could trick my parents into letting me stay out late. I was 14 getting stoned in my friends car before school. Watching the clock in study hall waiting for the bell to ring so I could be free. Life was so simple then.
Although, when I think about it at the time, I was in the middle of hell. Little things that happened that I thought meant the end of the world. Man was it hard to be a teenager. Always trying to fit in, be cool, be the most attractive most talented.
I'll never forget the summer of 96' right before my senior year in high school. To this day that summer will remain forever in my memory till I die. I had been in love with one boy for 2 years- totally infatuated. He was the Captain of the basketball team, valedictorian of his class- but also ran with the 'bad boys.' He was 6.2" with black hair and electric blue eyes, when he looked at my heart beat so fast. He was by far the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I don't think I have ever had a crush on anyone that hard in my life. Not even with Jack.
That summer he invited me to a party at his house and finally confessed to me that he liked me. I remember that night he tried to kiss me but I was so nervous I stood up and ran away. What a tool.
Anyway- to make the long story short- we dated for months and months and I was as happy as I have ever been. We talked for hours on the phone each night, spent time between classes cuddling in the hallway. Sometimes he would sneak into my bedroom at night to be with me and leave early before my parents awoke. I had been kissed before but nothing like the way he kissed me, he was my first 'real' kiss. I was in love with everything about him. He respected me, made me laugh, held me under the stars and told me he loved me. He was my first love. The first boy I fell completely and totally head over feet in LOVE with.
One day my friend Amanda tells me that she heard him telling all his friends that he was only with me to get in my pants and that said that he tried to get with her while I was to of town.
I was heartbroken. I never spoke to him again.
He never tried to speak to me.
It wasn't until last year, 6 years later, that I ran into him at a New Years party that he actually asked me why I cheated on him when we were together. I was in total disbelief! Turns out that my 'friend' Amanda told him that I had cheated on him with some guy at a party and told me that he had spread those rumors and tried to cheat on me. Then he goes on to tell me that Amanda had actually tried to hook up with him at a party but he pushed her away. Girls suck. How stupid was I to believe her?
He begged me to kiss him that night, told me he had been thinking of me ever since, that he never stopped thinking of me that he had never met anyone like me. Part of me wanted to give into him so badly, but I could never betray Jack that way. I would NEVER cheat on Jack let alone anyone else. I could never live with myself if I had cheated.
I don't think I will ever get over him- or the awful thing Amanda did to break us apart.
You know- the 16 year old in me is probably wanting to kick my ass right now for not kissing him....
Ah- to be young and stupid.
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: The Sunday's ~blind |