| BROKE |
[07 Sep 2005|06:00am] |
Where to begin?
Really, format & diction don't have significance here, for no one will read this but me.
Undoubtedly a personal, almost immediate past is something to remain untouched and unrevisited because life moves forward. Looking back creates problems that would not have risen without such an unnecssary revisit.
So, I have revisited. In fact, I've done a considerable amount of revisiting and rereading, all the while gathering bits and pieces of a past that seems a decade before me.
I even see photographs of myself at 16 and my appearance and expressions are surprisingly childish.
Something happened to me, something big and important. Something so elusive, however, that I can't quite label it.
Of course, it is estrangement, separation, shunning, whatever--but it's so much deeper than that.
Two years--even one year ago, I could have opened my cell phone and dialed any number in my contacts, because that is how comfortable I became with my friends. My weekends weren't much of a tradition or a beaten path, they were refreshing, relaxing, adventurous, whatever.
Basically, this is my complex. I hate change.
But if you knew me at all, you'd realize how rapidly my personality molds to its surroundings and how quickly I can forget about pain.
I think I am holding more than I can bear. My pores are seeping stress and confusion, while I try to organize the long list of friends I've lost.
I suppose if I could resolve any problem I encountered with another loved one, I would reconcile with Matthew and Dani. They were such enormous assets to my happiness at one point, and everything has faded so much in my mind that it seems I left them for one immature boy. In fact, I invested all of my emotion in said boy because, well, he made me feel like I wasn't wasting my time! It's almost an impossible concept to explain.
He made me feel worthwhile. Really. He heard what I said. And I got feedback.
Of course I had that in previous relationships--Justin, Teddy, Tyler, Mike--but it was a matter of months before they fell to pieces.
I've always hypothesized that true friendships are not work. With Matt, nothing was an effort. We clicked, it was like magic and although he felt more intimately for me than I did him, eventually I raised the white flag and admitted that I need him.
So now here I am, wondering what would happen if I wrote them emails---his confessional, hers welcoming. Would they press 'delete' or 'reply,' and if the latter, then what type of response would it be?
Fuck it, I will write those emails, because I am leaving in a week.
And I HAVE NOTHING
TO LOSE.
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[08 Apr 2004|05:27pm] |
Jones Soda is Love Whoopass
Paul Frank is Love
I failed to remember & celebrate my blurty's first birthday.
:\
Oh darn.
I'm exhausted.
I want to see you.
I'm really sorry. :(
| What Irrational Number Are You? | You are √2 You are in good company, many other square roots are also irrational numbers. Just by being a square root you have been branded a radical. You are considered very attractive, especially by Europeans (at least on paper.) You fear that a relationship with another √2 may somehow end up complex and ultimately imaginary. In reality, only another √2 will make you whole. Your lucky number is approximately 1.41421356 | |
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[04 Apr 2004|11:43pm] |
( how fitting )
I need to watch magnolia. Now.
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[28 Mar 2004|02:14am] |
WHY
IS EVERYONE
TALKING ABOUT
DAMN PROM!!!!!!!!!!!
SHUT UP!
Prom is for retards.
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[23 Mar 2004|08:55pm] |
JOHN STEVENS
I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU!
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[21 Mar 2004|12:53am] |
That's hot. Johnny Depp<33
& Mandy Moore is my sister!! Yay.
I liked today. I still like it, actually.
PS I am listening to the N.E.R.D. album... it is pretty good. I might purchase it when it comes out.
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[07 Mar 2004|02:53am] |
You are the grammar Fuhrer. All bow to your
authority. You will crush all the inferior
people under the soles of your jackboots, and
any who question your motives will be
eliminated. Your punishment is being the bane
of every other person's existence, because
you're constantly contradicting stupidity.
Everyone will be gunning for you. Your dreams
of a master race of spellers and grammarians
frighten the masses. You must always watch your
back. If only your power could be used for good
instead of evil.
What is your grammar aptitude?
brought to you by Quizilla
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[03 Mar 2004|07:54pm] |
jaslkfjas;ltkuaiskgf
WATCH THE O.C. TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!
<333
Ummmm!
( annnnd SHUT! )
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| To No One... |
[29 Feb 2004|10:35am] |
"Please don't let this be the end."
It's funny to imagine you speaking those words to me since you're the one punishing me relentlessly for an unknown reason. You need to grow up and realize what you're doing.
Or maybe I'm not worth it to you? Was our friendship that insignificant? If you care about me half as much as you claimed you did, you would at least have the decency to discuss exactly what happened between us.
Instead, you're finding sympathy from the ignorant, and turning everyone against me. I can't believe I still want to be your friend.
I guess my mind was playing tricks on me when I thought our friendship would actually last for years. I've told myself many a time to never believe what anyone tells me, no matter how believable it is. I never really believed you when you said you'd be there for me no matter what, but I never expected things to end so abruptly.
I don't know whether I should give in or keep trying. I want to be ruthless, but at the same time avoid appearing desperate.
I hate the way I feel when you open your mouth to speak.
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[22 Feb 2004|04:36pm] |
&
the shit
just hit
the fan.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!!!!
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| I am so lonelyyyyyyy |
[16 Feb 2004|01:11am] |
Unsteady Skagasm (1:06:45 AM): we can be lonely together
Hallelujah.
:'(
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| HAPPY EFFING VDAY |
[14 Feb 2004|12:49am] |
February 14th,
Nobody special to call
: (
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[13 Feb 2004|11:59am] |
Are you a Mexican, or a Mexican't??
: )
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[12 Feb 2004|06:07pm] |
My mom makes me really sad.
She's just another person who doesn't care to talk to me.
Yell yell yell.
Whine whine whine.
My life is no longer of any value to anyone.
I was looking at the snow today, and I thought about pretty a large pool of red would look against it.
I'm not suicidal okay? A lot of people just make me feel so incredibly unloved & unwanted.
I can't wait to leave and find people who really want to know who I am.
I am going to have fun this weekend, and I'm going to get my shoes for Sadie's.
My dad will take me shopping for them. He'll see it as some sort of bonding experience.
Whatever.
Bonding is overrated, anyway.
All that crap... it just ends up worthless in the end.
I hope my mom has a great weekend.
She always seems to enjoy her time away from the family.
I won't be online much anymore.
Looks like some of you are going to have to call me.
Screw it, no one wants to talk to me anyway.
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| Cherry lips |
[11 Feb 2004|11:37pm] |
I got my hair cut after school today...
Check it.
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[10 Feb 2004|07:32pm] |
I've slept soo much today.
I woke about two minutes ago, in my bed, and everything was pitch black. I was really nervous, because I forgot where I was.
Haha.
My back really hurts...
I wrote out most of my Valentines today! I don't know how I am going to deliver some of them, however, because I don't see many people during the school day.
Eh whateva. I'll figure out something.
I look like I died, haha.
I have to go read Ethan Frome.
<3/arr ay dee
PS-->Tomorrow is my half-birthday!
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[08 Feb 2004|07:48pm] |
I went to Borders today
and I got the student discount! Woot!
There was this really cute boi in line behind me... Andrea said he was checking me out, too.
He was with another girl, though, and I wasn't sure if it was his sister or his girlfriend.
: (
When I next see an attractive guy, and he's alone, I'm going to talk to him!
I don't care if I'm rejected.
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[07 Feb 2004|06:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sad |
] |
I just want to be alone...
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[04 Feb 2004|04:21pm] |
Remember when blurty was hip?
Those were the days.
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[02 Feb 2004|09:13pm] |
I think I've begun to invest my feelings in the wrong person.
It's kind-of upsetting, because I am certain that what I feel is not mutual.
Really, though... it's not a very big deal.
Today just wasn't a good day for me.
Winter is killer; I want the sun back.
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