Alexis Raccene Spencer's Journal
2:14 in the morning....
Guys are such assholes. I mean, not just to me, but to all girls. I dont' know why they feel the need to be such assholes, its like it is their second nature. And it doesn't even matter how old they get. They just retain the ability to be eternal assholes. And its fucking pissy as hell.
Take my best firend for instance. She's doin' her thing, fucking around on the interenet, minding her own busness, enters a guy. they are chatting it up, nothing big, relaly enjoying each other. he's older, and has no possible chance with her, but that was made clear and the beginning, and it wasn't even like that. Then the guy falls in love with her. What the hell is up with that? So my friend tells him that she doesn't feel that way, that she's not ready to settle down and whatever, and he's all like fine and everything. Well, one conversation takes a really bad turn, and they end up cybering... maybe not the best idea, but its still ok.
Then the guy becomes fuckin' obsessed. wants to know if he's the only cyber lover,a nd shit like that. she wants to be honest, but doesn't want to hurt him. So she confronts him on the issue after a day or so, and he fuckin' goes balistic, and basically walks away from her, never planning to talk to her again. And she's like what the fuck!!!
I'm pissed at him becuase she's my best friend and i'm hella defensive of her. He called her an internet whore. He was so mean to her, and then to just dissappear without even letting her respond, or answering to her respond. i mean, where the hell does he get off? she was upfront with him. no one told his old ass to fall in love with her. But no. he did, and he got hurt, becuase he let his emotions get too far, and so he has to be an asshole to her, and call her out of her name. like that is his right.
Guys suck! that's all there is to it. Before today, i thought that he was a really nice guy. Not someone i would be involved with, he's like way older than my parents, even though they are hella young. but nice all the same. A good, intellegent conversatoin was brewing and everything. My friend looked forward to having i nice, non-sexual conversatoin, and then he just when psycho....
What's up with everyone going psycho??? he's not the only one. But that is another entry :)
Current mood: pissed off.
Suddenly, I feel detached. Is it my tendancy to be quiet in loud areas, or is there something else? I'm in a new house, in a new school, everything is new. And i feel so alone. Even thought my best friend is here on campus with me. Even though she is only across campus at her own house. And even though i don't necessarily want her to be here. Yet i feel, removed. Unapart. And i wonder to myself? Why is it that Bonnie, a house mate of mine, just as new, just as detached by default, why is it that she knows where everyone lives, where everyone spends their time? Why does she get so much attention right off the bat? i understand why katlyn does. She's easy, she's also a returning student. She knows the ins and outs of this place, she knows a lot of people that live here. I don't question her sucess. What's wrong with me? Am I ugly? Is there something wrong with me? Something that makes me lesser of a person? I am outgoing, I am friendly, but somehow, its not the same. I am seperate from them.
I feel so alone. So very alone. And i don't really know why.
Current mood: uncomfortable.
I don't really know what i'm doing. But I love to write and i'm here. Why? Who knows. I also like to jornal, and some of my best thoughts are journal entries, why not share them? I don't know. Should i write this as a normal juornal, a sreem of thoughts that fall onto the page, or should this be structured in some way? Actually, i'm doing this out of randomness. I just happened to pick the site out of a conversation on my regular boards.
But I think this will be good for me. A chance to vent, a chance to get my thoughts out. So often i just get caught up in things. i don't give myself a chance to breathe, to think. What will be of tomorrow and the next day? I don't know. But for now, i can sit her and think. just think.