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[13 Nov 2003|10:49pm]
[ music | "Sisters of Mercy," Leonard Cohen ]

I saw "The Seven Samurai" a few days ago, went downtown and took the bus over to my cousin's. It was excellent, if a little melodramatic in places. "25th Hour" yesterday, and "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" today, which is probably my pick for worst of the year. So anyway, I was hanging out with some friends today that I haven't seen in a long time, and of course it ended up with me "defending" gay people. Everything is "gay" to some people. That guy is a such a fag. What fags. Don't be gay, you fag. After a while, it gets tiring trying to stand up for your sexuality without revealing what it is. I asked my friend's girlfriend if she was as turned on by gay men as my other friend was turned on by lesbians -- no, because gay men are disgusting. It ended up, strangely enough, with that friend (who's turned on by lesbians) saying that he doesn't care if someone is gay, so long as they aren't flamey. Fair enough. I'm not flamey at all, so at least I feel relatively safe.

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Fred Phelps knows God hates fags, I wanna move to LJ, I need to come out, and more [08 Nov 2003|03:07pm]
[ music | "A Case of You," Joni Mitchell ]

My Aunt and Uncle are over for the weekend, who made me come for some hour and-a-half walk in the cold with them. I was wearing a hoody, a tuque, and a big-ass, thick-ass coat and I was still freezing. I don't know what it means, but my Uncle asked me if I wanted some wine, and said that it had a fruity taste, so I might like it. Now, I don't know whether he was trying to Subtly Imply something, or whether he was just joking about my pansiness because I'm not a hockey nut like he is (he was complaining about not being able to play hockey this year).

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I read an interview with Fred Phelps about a year ago where he said (paraphrasing here), "God doesn't hate them because they're faggots, they're faggots because God hates them."

Do any of you, my fellow queers, subscribe to the theory that the reason so many gay people are depressed and suicidal isn't because we're gay or because some of us (like me) are too much of pussies to come out and are living in self-conscious denial every second of every day, but because we really aren't good people in God's eyes, so Satan tempts us with faggot urges, and when we succumb to them it's just further proof that we're fags because God hates us?

Also, I went into the Gay.com chat rooms for the first time ever last night. It was OK, but it sucks that you have to pay extra to look at the hot guys' pictures. And I think I need to start posting on other people's journals so I get more "friends" who will respond to mine. And Christian, if you're reading this, if you steal me a Live Journal code I will be your best friend and manslave if you ever come to Canada.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

I think reading Journals, while at least letting me peer into other people's mind and thoughts, is making me more depressed. Why? Because there are all these high school kids, some of them gay, some of them out, and that pisses me off. In a way, I want these people to fail miserably so they can be in the hole that I'm in (thx Mr. Zimmerman). But I also want to warn them: Get good grades! Don't alienate yourself from your friends! Screw up long enough, and there won't be people to care about you later on.

I called a friend of mine today who I haven't seen in months or spoken to (I moved recently and don't know anyone out here). There was awkwardness. One, he's a hunting nut, very conservative. But I like him this much (as a friend) and it was nice talking to him. He said he'll call me next week when he's got some days off.

I almost came out to my cousin last week. I was going to set it up like the smoothie I am: "So, what is your opinion of gay people?" A few years ago -- when I was around 14 -- I remember talking to her on the phone, I think it was around Christmas time, and I was upstairs looking down at my parents and some other people, possibly relatives. And she was like, "Are you gay? You'd be like the black sheep in the family and I'd be the only one who was OK with it." I quickly laughed it off and tried to change the subject so no one downstairs woud pay attention to what we were talking about. I would like to tell someone, and she'd be the best person, I think. But she gets super drunk every once in a while, and I wouldn't want her to, you know, spill the proverbial beans about my, you know, cock-swallowing. And her friend is married to a guy who's niece I went to school with -- I wouldn't want her finding out somehow and spreading the news to all the people I knew in high school, behind my back.

I sometimes wish that I lived in the States, but I like Canada for its general liberalism and stuff...it's a nice country. But the States seems to have a more pulsating life to it. Another cousin of mine who's about my age is going to tour Europe for a year. Maybe that's what I need. I should finally get a license and go do an American road tour.

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[06 Nov 2003|03:35pm]
[ music | "Boots of Spanish Leather," Bob Dylan ]

A funny letter to Dr. Laura that's been circulating: (I feel I need to read things like this to remind myself that I am not, in fact, an instrument of the Devil that tries to convince myself otherwise.)

Dear Dr. Laura, Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's law. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I also know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Now I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

Then, Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

A friend of mine also feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

And Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

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[06 Nov 2003|03:21pm]
[ music | "Romance in Durango," Bob Dylan ]

I came across an interesting Bob Dylan interview, so here are some quotes:

On peace:
"You can reload your rifle, and that moment you're reloading it, that's peace. It may last for a few years."

On the afterlife:
"None of this matters, if you believe in another world. If you believe in this world, you're stuck; you really don't have a chance. You'll go mad, 'cause you won't see the end of it. You may wanna stick around, but you won't be able to. On another level, though, you will be able to see this world. You'll look back and say, 'Ah, that's what it was all about all the time. Wow, why didn't I get that?'"

On the end of the world:
"The battle of Armageddon is specifically spelled out: where it will be fought, and if you wanna get technical, when it will be fought. And the battle of the Armageddon definitely will be fought in the Middle East."

On pop music and his influence:
"It's phrasing. I think I've phrased everything in a way that it's never been phrased before. I'm not tryin' to brag or anything -- or maybe I am. But yeah, I hear stuff on the radio, doesn't matter what kinda stuff it is, and I know if you go back far enough, you'll find somebody listened to Bob Dylan somewhere, because of the phrasing. Even the content of the times. Up until I started doin' that stuff, nobody was talkin' about that sort of thing. For music to succeed on any levels. Well, you're always gonna have your pop radio stuff, but the only people who are gonna succeed, really, are the people who are sayin' somethin' that is given to them to say. I mean, you can only carry 'Tutti Frutti' so far."

On abortion:
"Abortion? I personally don't think abortion is that important. I think it's just an issue to evade whatever issues are makin' people think about abortion. [...] Well, if the woman wants to take that upon herself, I figure that's her business. I mean, who's gonna take care of the baby that arrives -- these people that are callin' for no abortion?"

On his best friend:
"My best friends? Jeez, let me try to think of one [laughs]. Best friends? Jesus, I mean, that's... Whew! Boy, there's a question that'll really make you think. Best friend? Jesus, I think I'd go into a deep, dark depression if I were to think about who's my best friend. Well, there has to be...there must be... there's gotta be. But hey, you know, a best friend is someone who's gonna die for you. I mean, that's your best friend, really. Yeah, I'd be miserable trying to think who my best friend is."

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[05 Nov 2003|06:35pm]
[ music | "I Love This Bar," Toby Keith ]

I went into town for an interview-type thing today, for a job as a customer service representative for Best Buy. I wouldn't be working in a Best Buy, but in some office. I hope I get the job -- starting wages are $8-10 (minimum wage is about $6.50 where I live; I have no idea how this relates to American money). Oh, and I rented "The 25th Hour" while I was out, so I'll get back to you on that. Maybe I can learn to like Spike Lee. Oh, and my crush on John Robinson, the boy in "Elephant," is growing.

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[03 Nov 2003|05:00pm]
[ music | "Choices," George Jones ]

"He loves you as much as he can, but he cannot love you very much."

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[02 Nov 2003|08:42pm]
[ mood | hungry ]
[ music | "Perfect Day," Lou Reed ]

So, I saw "Kill Bill" and "Alien" (director's cut) in the past couple days. Both are very decent, neither one great (though "Alien" must have been when it came out -- the '70s future vision is outdated now, and aside from the phallic and vaginal symbols of the aliens, and the general scary existentialism, the movie doesn't have a lot of big ideas to focus on). Other than that, I got a haircut and it's really short. I was wondering if my shaggy hair was going to be a negative for a job interview I have on Wednesday. No longer a problem. Also, I'm looking forward to the movie, "Elephant," and I have to admit: One of the reasons (aside from the fact that it's by a director I sometimes admire; aside from that it one the Palme D'Or; aside from that it's interesting subject matter) is because there is a very pretty surfer, bleach-blond boy in it, and I haven't been able to get his face and hair out of my head for the past couple days.

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Homosexuality and Incest -- Incomparable [29 Oct 2003|11:18am]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | "Black Diamond Bay," Bob Dylan ]

Something that's been troubling me for the past day or so: the equating of incest with homosexuality.

Now, I understand the comparison and agree with it in some respects.

--Both are seen as sins by the Bible.

--Both are "unnatural" sex acts -- homosexuality goes against Nature's rule of relentless procreation; incest goes along with the rule but with mutant results.

The opposition towards homosexuality isn't just a sexual one -- those who oppose it most likely oppose it in all forms: they would be as uncomfortable with two homosexual males having anal sex as they would be with two homosexual males expressing any other kind of love or affection, hugging, kissing, cuddling. Indeed, two lifelong male or female "roommates" who did not have sexual intercourse would be seen as slightly abnormal by most.

Whereas homosexuality is a lifestyle, incest is strictly an act. Homosexuals are gay whether they have sex or not. Some (though not all, or even most) homosexuals look different, have different speech patterns, have a different way of walking, or gesticulate in specific ways. Again, this is not all gays, but some. To me, that suggests a deep, unchangeable personality difference. You can spot some gay men or lesbian women merely by looking at them. Can you with incestuous people?

You cannot be incestuous unless you engage in the act of incest. There is no incestuous "way of thinking," there is only the desire to sleep with a family member. But surely those who engage in incestuous relationships are not incapable of engaging in normal, healthy sexual relationships. There is no obstacle that says they cannot be aroused by people who are not members of their family. Homosexuals, on the other hand, are completely disinterested in and incapable of being aroused by the opposite sex. Where incestuous people have a sexual predilection that limits them to a small number of family members, gays have an orientation that neither limits nor widens their options: their sexual interests are merely a reversed image of a heterosexual's.

Restricting homosexual sex denies the homosexual the right to a fulfilling sexual relationship of any kind -- as sadistic as giving a heterosexual the option of homosexual sex or none at all. Restricting incestuous relationships is no more oppressive than restricting a pedophile the right to molest a child. It would be akin to restricting someone from engaging in a sexual fetish that could be harmful to himself or others.

The difference is that homosexual relationships themselves are no different from heterosexual ones. The only difference is in sexual intercourse. With incest, the relationship is drastically different: a father and a daughter having sex cannot be compared to two men or two women having sex, because of the nature of the father-daughter relationship before sex has taken place. A family is supposed to be an institution based on trust and solidity -- when something as fluid and unpredictable as sex is brought into the equation, it undermines and threatens the total basis of what a family is intended to be. Even adult incest is inappropriate -- the power a parent has over their children is something that doesn't go away when the child turns 18, unless either of the parties cut off contact completely. Incest would be the exact opposite of that, and dangerous because of it.

However, I believe that two consenting adults have the right to do what they wish, and I would not denounce a sexual relationship between, say, an adult brother and sister. So long as they remove themselves from their family, and remove the possibility of threatening their other family members' bond. That is, except for one thing:

--Homosexual sex does not result in mutant children.

Adult, consenting homosexual sex does not harm anyone. It neither undermines the family, as incest does, nor does it cause birth defects and physical and mental abnormalities. The only possible harm that could result from homosexual sex would be the physical. In men, the unpleasantness of something penetrating the anus. (This would be skipping over the point that the easiest way to pleasure the prostate gland, maybe by pure coincidence, is through anal stimulation.) But again, that doesn't affect anyone but the parties involved. And everyone has had uncomfortable sex once in their lives.

The reason I won't buy the claims that homosexuality is "immoral" is because it harms no one. And it is not "immoral" because it does not culminate in reproduction any more than a sterile couple is immoral due to their lack of children. Any more than people who have sex with birth control -- virtually spitting in the face of Mother Nature. (After all, they're taking a step to stop conception from occurring; who's to say homosexuals wouldn't -- if by some miracle of science -- be happy to impregnate one another if given the opportunity?) No more than those who engage in oral sex, or heterosexual men who engage in anal sex with female partners.

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[27 Oct 2003|01:32am]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | "Tango Till They're Sore," Tom Waits ]

There's this book that was written by a teenager, very young. I think she's seventeen now and was fourteen when she wrote the book. There is an excerpt you can read here. There are so many whip-smart teenage writers around now. It makes me happy and allows me to dip into self-pity.

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[23 Oct 2003|02:07am]
I was trying to go to sleep and got a sudden rush of depression. I'm angry and sad all at once and very tired and things aren't making sense in my messed-up head. I'm not one tenth as smart as I'd like to be but am doing nothing to change that. TV reruns make me sad. I dislike talk shows that are repeats -- I need TV to be live or else it seems phony and depressing. I don't like watching past shows that are passed off to seem like new. Not old enough to be some historical program and not new enough to be interesting. Hugs are supposed to feed the soul, but I can't remember the last time I hugged someone where it wasn't, "Oh, I guess I'm supposed to hug you now..." I'm pissed that I screwed around in high school and am not in college right now -- late-blooming pisses me off and makes me feel left behind. I don't want Bob Dylan to die. I want to stop time just for a little while so I can catch my breath and can catch up to everyone else. I want to make friends with a bartender and feel the wrinkles on his hand. I'm never going to see Gaudi's architecture, I'm never going to really hear what Moonlight Sonata means. Why watch movies at all? What purpose do they serve? You stare at something for two hours and then try and explain why you didn't waste a chunk of your life -- it's insightful, spiritual, entertaining, sexy, trashy, rebellious, blah blah blah. It doesn't mean anything to anybody. Everything is made out of plastic, people make sure their houses are nice and clean so they appear to be whatever it is they're supposed to be. We kill bugs in our house because they're disgusting. I want to own like 10 cats. I think Charles Bukowski said that the more cats you own the longer you live. Maybe they could create some kid -- or birth him in some weird environment, Truman Show-style, and never tell him that humans die. He'd have the greatest life ever. He'd have no concept of death. He'd never see someone else die and his life would be full. I wanna hug a drunk in a bar and then cut my wrist veins on some broken bottle.
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[22 Oct 2003|09:02pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | "He Stopped Loving Her Today," George Jones ]

Apparently, when asked what Heaven must be like, Elliott Smith responded, "George Jones would be singing all the time. It would be like New York in reverse. People would be nice to each other for no reason at all. And it would smell good."

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[22 Oct 2003|12:30pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | "Miss Misery," Elliott Smith ]

Elliott Smith committed suicide today. :( I was just getting into him, too. God, that's really sad. I wonder how depressed all his hardcore fans must be.

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[20 Oct 2003|05:43pm]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | "Lost Highway," Hank Williams ]

Grr... why are my parents so culturally illiterate? I spent about an hour d/l'ing a bunch of blues songs, figuring I might as well get familiar with it now. I wish this stuff was a part of my childhood, so I wouldn't have to do all the damn work. So, I downloaded stuff by: B.B. King, Bessie Smith, Blind Willie McTell, Bo Diddley, Bobby "Blue" Bland, Buddy Guy, Charley Patton, Elmore James, Fats Domino, Howlin' Wolf, J.B. Lenoir, Jelly Roll Morton, John Lee Hooker, Keb Mo, Lightnin' Hopkins, Little Walter, Muddy Waters, Pinetop Perkins, Ray Charles, Robert Johnson, Salif Keita, Shemeka Copeland, Skip James, Sonny Boy Williamson, Taj Mahal, and Otis Rush. More coming later, prolly.

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[20 Oct 2003|02:33pm]
[ mood | indifferent ]
[ music | "Akhian Udeek Diya," Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan ]

I was going through my MP3 files today -- I have a little over 3,000 -- and I decided a new way to order them. Up until now I've just had about ten folders, with a "pop/rock" one having about 1,000 songs in it, making it difficult to find things. So instead of doing what I had been doing -- having about 30 folders inside the "pop/rock" folder -- I am now going to make, I dunno, four or five "pop/rock" folders, like "a-f," etc. It'll be easier to find stuff, and now when I scroll down one centimeter it won't go down 300 songs.

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[19 Oct 2003|10:58pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | "All Day and All of the Night," The Kinks ]

I know I shouldn't be reading articles like this, but my even-handed nature is inquisitive to know what the "other" side of the gay/straight argument has to say. After all, maybe I'm somehow blinded by my personal situation when I think that about half the people in the world are pretty cool with homosexuality -- or at least half the world in my city. When an article starts out with, "Getting in touch with my feelings the other day, I realized how I loathe homosexuals," you know you're in for it. (I'll give him points for the sarcastic as hell -- and condescending -- opening "feelings" bit, though.) What makes me madder is that some of the stuff these guys say rings true. The support that NAMBLA seemingly gets from gay society sickens me -- and yes, I've given it some thought, taken into consideration the fact that the age of consent here in Canada is 14, and that when I was no older than 13 I felt interested for sex, with someone my age or not. He loses it, though, when he talks about "normal people," as if there is such a thing. And if it involves picket fences, weekend games of catch in the backyard, and family games of Scrabble, I don't buy it. But something about it always gets to me, and in this article it's the closing line:

I don’t blame anyone for being sick. I blame them for telling me that sickness is just another form of health.

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[19 Oct 2003|04:51pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | "Don't Be Shy," Cat Stevens ]

Through some random reading on the web, I found some interesting stuff related to The Catcher in the Rye. In 1950, a little more than a year before "Catcher" was published, J.D. Salinger's short story, "For Esmé -- With Love and Squalor" was published in the New Yorker. Salinger got a request from Laurence Olivier -- the guy that Holden sort-of-trashes in Catcher -- to show "Esmé" as a half-hour radio show on the BBC. Salinger had already sold the film rights to another of his stories, "Uncle Wiggily in Connecticut," which became the film, "My Foolish Heart," an embarrassing tear-jerker. So Larry Olivier never got "Esmé." I wonder when exactly Salginer wrote "Catcher," and if this incident colored Holden's movie hating in the novel, or, specifically, the mention of Laurence Olivier.

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[19 Oct 2003|03:08pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | "Vigilante Man," Ry Cooder ]

Polished off The Catcher in the Rye today. I should have read it when I was about 16, but I'm glad I finally got it done with. It's a good book, easy to see why it's so popular. Simplicity is its charm. I have to say, my favorite part must have been where Holden is describing to us, reluctantly, that Stradlater is gorgeous. Well, a lot of other things are gorgeous to Holden, but that's beside the point. I also enjoyed Holden's view of "flits," which is surprisingly mature for a guy his age in the late '40s. The part where he says he's "going to sit right the hell on top of [an atomic bomb]" I was thinking of "Dr. Strangelove." I wonder if that influenced the movie, or the novel Strangelove was originally based on, or whether Holden is referencing something else I'm unaware of... Either way, it was neat. I'm starting to notice more and more the homosexuality in things I watch, read, etc. It's probably just that I'm choosing to notice it now and that it was always there -- and is in life anyway -- but still... Is it wrong to have been slighty aroused when (mild spoiler warning if you haven't read the novel) Holden's teacher pats his head? It was the nervous atmosphere more than anything, but I was questioning whether or not that made me "perverty." Also, at the end of the novel, it's raining "buckets" of rain, and I thought of "Buckets of Rain" on the Dylan album, Blood on the Tracks, which is full of rain imagery. It never really clicked until today -- the album's title, and the rage and fury of "Idiot Wind," always made me think it was a "red" album. But when you think about it, it's really blue. Ocean blue.

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[18 Oct 2003|06:31pm]
[ music | "Roving Gypsy Boy," The Rankin Family ]

I was reading a guy's Live Journal page, and he's talking about being a man slut and not wanting to be a slut, being horny as hell but just wanting someone to love, etc., and it got me thinking that I really wish I knew someone who was gay. Not for sex or anything -- I'm actually pretty indifferent to sex. I'm trying to think, and the only person I know in my entire family/friend circle who's gay is my uncle's brother, and he's like 70 years old. I don't know if the journal guy is gay or not -- though he's a goth guy, and I always assume goth guys are all gay -- I'm starting to think I should have made friends with some of the theater guys in school.

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[18 Oct 2003|05:56pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]
[ music | "Pledging My Love," Johnny Ace ]

So I was reading The Catcher in the Rye, and at the part in the novel where Holden dances with the three girls in the Lavender room and moans about only being able to drink Cokes, and I remembered that our modern Santa Claus was invented by the Coca-Cola company around the 1930s, even if he'd existed for about 100 years before that. I wonder when he became popular in North America, and if only a few people participated initially, before Christmas became what it was. Or if people always gave gifts at Christmas, and then just started to add Santa Claus socks around 1930 (or whenever he was first created in a poem or cartoon or whatever). I'm enjoying "Catcher" -- I'm getting a kick out of the movie references in particular, like Robert Donat, Gary Cooper, and the great Peter Lorre. I mean it. The book, it isn't so crumby. Really, it kills me.

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[18 Oct 2003|02:06pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | "The Lady of Shallot," Loreena McKennitt ]

For some reason I'm waking up sad lately. It goes away quick, but it's starting to really piss me off. I hate non-specific sadness like that.

My hair was starting to get a little too shaggy and the back was curling around, so I gave myself a little trim. I think it came out nicely, considering I can't really see the back of my head. Other than that, I need to get a liquor license so I can go sit in a bar next time I get depressed -- or take my first trip into a gay bar/club and try and meet some new people. Since I don't drive, I have no other ID that proves my age; I know the bouncer would never let me in otherwise. I think I'm going to spend the afternoon reading. I started reading The Catcher in the Rye and buzzed through about four pages in a minute or two. Should be easy reading. Hopefully I get it finished tonight, or maybe tomorrow.

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