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(give me some lovin)

Dear Cupid [15 Feb 2004|02:25am]
[ mood | cynical ]
[ music | you say it best-alison krause ]

well, the day is over. now i can spend some time sharing my thoughts about this hallmark created holiday.
first off, i'd like to preface this by saying that I have never really enjoyed valentines, and it doesn't always have something to do with the fact that i have nobody to share it with.
now then. i feel like I am a rather sentimental person. i cry at weddings, i cry at funerals, i cry when certain songs come on the sue me. I'm a woman, i'm allowed. anyhoo i feel like I am somewhat sentimental. when i buy friends presents i enjoy doing it, and i like to put thought into it. while i'm not always the most creative person, i do try my best. this day has usually been about being alone for me, which isn't much different than any other day, but that's besides the point. today i wasn't.........i got to spend it with 20 people who love me. granted they are all senile and have dementia and don't remember my name, but they love me.
today i was supposed to go shopping with kortney. well, we did this morning. it turned into running around the mall trying to find the perfect gift for her boyfriend. now, don't get me wrong i enjoy helping my friends, but something romantic or special seems like it should come from you and not have your friend tell you what to buy. suggestions, although good, fell upon deaf ears and we were running out of time since we both had to work. so finally she decided. a theme present with little gifts. something i've enjoyed doing in the past (jeanne). so essentially, my idea. the theme was 14 gifts that tell you what i love about you. sweet eh? so at work she was asking me and the other girls what she could do and we ended up with this list:
3.candle=romantic good
5.underwear=well you know
6.goldfish crackers="you swam away with my heart"
7.elmers glue="you hold me together"
8.extension cord=making ends meet
9.funny book=funny guy
10.stuffed animal=huggable
11.milk of magnesia="you keep me on schedule"
12.always maxi pads="you are always there for me"
13.slinky=kid at heart
14.banana=inside joke
(i dunnno)
anyway, so about 90% of those gifts were my ideas. again, i don't mind helping out, and yeah it's a little cheesy, but cute. so she gives him the presents. he doesn't get half of it. and he can't turn off his movie long enough to open his valentines card, give kortney hers, and say i love you.
now granted scott and kortney are certainly not the most romantic couple, and they are certainly not what i see myself becoming when i find somebody, but jeezus........scott had his friend dan over, and they were both drunk, talking about sports illustrated swimsuit edition, and watching some biker movie, and kortney was wrestling with the dog, and i was there.
granted i shouldn't complain b/c at least i wasn't by myself, but when it's me, i'm going to want the guy to put some thought into my gift, and appreciate it when i put thought into his like kortney did for scott.
i guess tonight just jaded my view more about valentines, which i didn't think was possible. I don't feel like i'm overly sentimental, but i don't want to be that relaxed either. and yeah i know i'll never be like kortney when i'm in a relationship, and thank god for that, but it just seemed odd to me. i kept telling her i didn't want to help her think of the reasons b/c she's the one that loves him, not me. and i didn't want to intrude on their celebration, but as it turns out they didn't do anything anyway.
i don't know. it seemed odd to me.
and the WHOLE day when we were shopping kortney kept saying, "it's just so hard to shop for a guy for valentines day ya know?" I'm like, GET A CLUE, I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then, i get home and i check my email and i finally got an email from my jason. we were best friends and talked all the time about 3 years ago. now i haven't talked to him in over a year. but i emailed him to see what was up, and yes i've had a thing for him for awhile b/c he's wonderful. he emails me telling me all about his girlfriend who has him on a tight leesh apparently, and they are making wedding plans.
ok i get the picture, do you have to tell me everything about her? jeez.
someone told me once that they thought i'd end up with jason. guess not. and i miss him, which is the sad part b/c now we can't even be friends and talk b/c all he does is work and be with her.
cupid kicked my ass today. thanks a lot.
i try not to be depressed that i have nobody. and i was doing pretty well b/c after seeing scott and kortney tonight i was like, "i'd rather have nobody than have that" but then after getting jason's email i feel alone again. like really alone and it hurts.
and i feel like a bad friend b/c i am so critical of kortney. so they don't have the same kind of relationship that i want least they were sweet enough to include me so i wasn't alone. but i guess i'd rather be sometimes.
and then this song has to come on the radio......."you say it best" this song always makes me cry.
"I've never felt like a depressed person. I'm emotional sure, but I can usually see the positive. But this year.......I've never felt so alone"
Sydney Bristow (I know she says something like that to Will)

(give me some lovin)

happy valentines day to me [09 Feb 2004|09:22pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

i got a valentines present today. actually, two of them. I got a card from my grandma aw.........with a check. SWEET!!!!!!!!!!
and i got a pair of pink sweatpants. i almost talked myself out of them but then i thought to myself, "Now what would Beth say to me?" and she'd probably say, "Buy them, they are cute!" So I did, and I call them my valentines present to myself.
ha-HA cupid you think that i'll have a shitty day just b/c I'm by myself WHATEV!

(give me some lovin)

[09 Feb 2004|12:46pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | Light in your eyes-Sheryl Crow ]

ugh. i'm sitting at school right now wishing to be anywhere but here. my cankles have come back with a vengence........and i don't know why. also, i've been very moody recently. and it felt so much better to have talked to hardy the other night, but then saturday i go to hang out with steve and josh and where do they want to go? walmart. a place where i shouldn't go period, let alone when i'm feeling a particular hatred towards idiots. so we go pick out yarn. why do two gay men need to pick out yarn? yeah i don't know either. somebody was making them a blanket i think. and it's not very easy b/c we had to pick out three colors and of course they had to fight about which colors to get. and then they had another fight in the shoe aisle, except this time they were throwing shoes. it was kinda funny but still, get me the hell out of this white trash store.
so until further notice, no walmart for me.
then yesterday i had a study group at my house. we were very productive. aubrey and i both got cute new purses. yeah we took our study group to the mall. and it wasn't productive for learning or for my bank account. oh-well..........cute new purse makes up for it.
did you know that the winter blah's that we are all having right now is because we aren't exposing ourselves to enough sunlight and phototherapy? yeah i don't buy it either. the class ahead of me has to make a presentation about depression or whatever and they said that in the winter a lot of people are depressed but it's not really depression, it's because we don't have enough light. eh i don't buy it.
i bought the coldplay live cd this weekend. and i love it. i also bought the say anything dvd for $10.
and i might be buying my brother's explorer in a few weeks. i can't wait. my stupid little rice burner runs like shit in the snow. heh..............know anyone that wants to buy it from me? it's really a great car. lol.
ok class is going to start in a few. let's hope i won't fall asleep this week. b/c that's really counterproductive

(give me some lovin)

it's been awhile [03 Feb 2004|09:51pm]
[ mood | refreshed ]
[ music | If it makes you happy-Sheryl Crow ]

So wow, it's been awhile since I updated, and since then a lot has happened. I took and passed my state boards so I can offically call myself a nurse now. Hehe.
I passed my first exam for my nursing class, WHEW.............
Another resident passed away on me, sad
I played hooky from clinical..........but I had a "migraine" Actually, I really needed a day to decompress and relax a little. I think that if i had gone today I would have come home with a migraine. And besides with the day I was having I probably would have killed someone or something b/c I got stuck in my parking space today, I drove into a snowbank, and then I got a toothache. So it was probably better that I didn't go today and since it won't hurt me, I won't feel too guilty about it.
I finally got the new Sheryl Crow cd. Well I guess it's not new anymore, but I love it. The hits cd that is.
So I made it through the most stressful time in my life somehow without killing anyone or really being too much of a bitch. Maybe the miracle of modern medicine isn't so bad.
My mom and dad came down here for dinner tonight. It's wierd b/c recently I've been missing them. Especially my dad. I think because I have been hearing a lot of things about fathers and daughters. Like it seems like there are a lot of songs out on the radio right now (and I happen to be talking about country) that are about fathers and daughters. Which got me to thinking about my own dad. I don't care how corny he is, he's great. Tonight we were watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (mom's suggestion, no lie) and dad was just snoring away. It just makes me laugh.
They brought my mac to see me too. And even though I was sneezing and coughing all night, I loved it. I miss that dog a lot more than I thought I would. I keep forgetting how nice it is to come home and be knocked over by a dog that missed you all day long.
I'm excited for what's coming up in Alias..........Sydney takes a stand with Vaughn, even though I hate that everyone is insinuating that he's going to be an adulterer, Lark, Evil Lauren, Evil Sloane with his evil secrets, and Quentin Tarentino. But why do I have to wait for so long??????????? I want a new ep this sunday, b/c I have it off and it's just not fair that everytime we have a new ep I have to work that night.
Speaking of work, the drama is continueing as usual. People having crushes on married family members, people being overall dumbshits, and then of course all of the higher level bullshit. I just hope they get on the ball and give me my raise soon. I can't wait. Cha-ching. It'll help pay off my car that I'm going to buy soon.
I shouldn't play hooky tomorrow so I'd better go prep.

(give me some lovin)

[26 Jan 2004|01:24am]
[ mood | winter blues ]
[ music | California-Phantom Planet ]

so i survived another week. I didn't kill anyone in clinical, so maybe I won't be a horrible nurse. I did however finally have to face something i've been trying to avoid. i finally had someone die on my shift. i was working on friday and she wasn't doing well, but i thought she'd make it through the night. but as the night went on her respirations got slower and more shallow, so i decided to sit with her and hold her hand and talk to her. she took her last breath with me holding her hand. and i don't quite know how to explain the experience. i could totally tell the minute she was gone. and i know how cliche this sounds, but she just seemed at peace.
and then i had to check her blood pressure and listen for pulse and lung sounds. and as much as i knew she was gone b/c she hadn't taken a breath for 2 min, i thought i heard something. but it was just me being nervous. i have had nightmares that i've thought someone was gone and they weren't really.
i handled it ok at work. but i got home and lost it. i feel better now, and i'm glad that i've had my first experience with death. like a close experience that is. not that i wanted her to go, b/c i had taken care of her for 2 yrs and i loved her. but i'm glad she didn't suffer anymore than she did.
it was a very surreal experience.
i have my boards this week. i'm nervous, but excited. and everyone says the LPN boards are easy. however i'm not counting on people's words..........i have done like 50 practice questions each night. and i am kinda neglecting my studying for class. so tonight i studied my fluid and electrolyte stuff. and i really shouldn't sit down on my couch between the hours of 8 and 10. it's inevitable that i will fall asleep for about 2 hrs. then i'll wake up and decide to study, which is fine, but then i can't wind down again until 2 or 3 am. which is all fine and good on weekends, but when i have to be up at the butt-crack of dawn, it's not so good.
i watched a whole episode of The OC last night. i have decided i like it. it's a good distraction show. like in the middle of all of this crap, i love being able to just turn on the tv and go back to high school days when i didn't have to worry about work and death, and passing my state boards.
i have also come to realize that i sound really depressed. which i'm not. it's winter. i hate the snow, i hate the cold, i hate this time of year. i hate the stress that i'm under, i hate driving in this snow, i wish i had my explorer right now. so i'm not depressed, i just have the winter blues. i believe it's going around.
i've decided that i want to get a dog. when i graduate i'm going to get a puppy. or, i need to have a niece or nephew to spoil. but preferably both. Mac came down to visit me yesterday. he didn't know what to think of my apartment. he kept sniffing every nook and cranie. and of course, i have red fur all over my carpet, but it's ok. it was fun to play with him. i never realized till i moved in here how much i wish i had something or someone to come home to. a dog to greet me at the door with a kiss. since i don't have a man to greet me with a kiss right now that is. so yup, i wanna get a dog. or maybe i should just puppy sit for Mac once a week and that'll get it out of my system. lol
ok well i took a nap today, which was bad, and i have to get up early so i'm going to try and sleep.

(3 loves | give me some lovin)

growing up sucks [19 Jan 2004|10:32pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I am the worst friend ever. One of my girlfriends from Ohio called me up today and was telling me how she got back together with this guy she was seeing over a year ago. And like he's perfect and she's happy and things are going to be different this time. And while I'm happy for her, I also am feeling somewhat jealous I suppose that another person I know is finding happiness and I am left in the dark. I wish that I could have that sound to my voice. You know how when someone is really happy their voice is so happy and they just sparkle? I want that sparkle. I want to not be the only person that has never experienced anything. I want to not feel like a loser b/c I have chosen not to be bogged down with guys.
I hate myself for feeling this way b/c I preach and preach and preach to people that they need to make themselves happy first and foremost and then they need to try and find someone that will just enhance that happiness. I am the biggest proponent of being self-sufficient. But when I come home from work and nobody is here, or I have no messages on my machine I feel so alone that it just hurts. It seems like everywhere people are finding their perfect fit. And granted it doesn't always work out the way that you want it to, but at least you know it's there and that someday you will find him. Because you always do.
I wish that I had my girls here...........I miss you guys. I hate it when I feel so left out and alone because I know that I'm SO not the only person out there going through this. And when I do need a shoulder to cry on I have you guys to hold me up.
I am the worst friend ever. I wish I could just suck up my feelings and be totally happy for her. And in a way I am and I want her to be happy. But fuck it I want to be happy too. I keep thinking that when I'm done with school I'll be able to think about that. But really, I'll be done in a few months and then what am I going to do? The same old, and hang out, see my family, work some more. I'm not ready to be an adult. But I am. I'm not ready to face the responsibility of having a real job and having people's lives in my hands, but I ache to be done with school.
I am taking my state boards in a week and a half and everytime I think about it I want to vomit. I'm excited b/c of the pay increase and what comes with that, but I am terrified that my life as a student is almost over and then who am I going to be?
I'm deep in my quarter-life crisis...........and I am only 22. I feel like I'm so old in some ways, but so naive in other ways.
Thinking about all of this is making me sick............I want to cry, and I have no good reason for it other than I'm just so overwhelmed that I wish it would just all go away for awhile.
I feel like I haven't had the time to be a kid, and I can't go back now because there are things that are expected out of me and if I don't act accordingly then something is wrong with me. People at work are asking me questions about things that I should know because I'm a nurse now, and they are trusting my judgement to hire in new people or promote people we already have. And what I want to do so badly is call in on a friday night and go have drinks with my friends. But as a responsible person I can't do that.
I don't want to look back on my life in 20 years saying "I wish I would have done this" but I also don't know how to just say fuck it and take some risks either.
This is probably the most unorganized collection of my thoughts ever.

(2 loves | give me some lovin)

penis cake, captain bloodsnatch, and other misc. stuff [11 Jan 2004|01:46am]
[ mood | relaxed ]
[ music | No Man's Woman ]

ah..........i love being able to take a bubble my own tub, that is actually clean. sigh.
oh my goodness this week has been.........interesting.
wednesday class started. i am terrified that I'm not going to learn anything, b/c the two instructors are the most annoying and boring ones and i am basically going to have to teach myself all of this, which is scary in itself. i got switched into a different clinical group, which just goes to show how mcc can screw me over one more time just because they want to. my music class is going to be a pain in the ass and i am considering dropping.
kortney and i went to get some gag gifts for her cousins bachelorette party. we went to a scary store with all sorts of naughty things.....walls of bongs, walls of vibrators, walls of whips and chains. really my kinda store! yeah whatever. anyhoo so kortney bought a bunch of stuff and she saw this cake pan in the shape of a penis and decided she had to make her cousin a creme filled penis cake. and i had to help. yay
so my friday night was taken up by making penis was interesting. and we discovered a few more things that i need here that i didn't think about.........a wire wisk for instance. it's very hard to make pudding with a rubber scraper or a wooden spoon....... and also, when making a penis cake, you have to be sure and not fill the pan too full or you will have an eruption. hehhee..............this experience lasted till 4 am and was very interesting. we were getting awfully punchy and making all sorts of dirty jokes about it too.
work was also interesting. somebody stole the pop-cans on my shift. but never fear, we've got secret private eye Gail on the job. no no seriously........this is what happened. i check my messages on friday and i have one from gail at work. "Heather call me when you get this message it's important." i'm thinking oh my god somebody died, i made a big med error oh no. i call her........"um did you notice whether the box of empty pop cans was full when you left last night? b/c they were gone this morning and we think someone on second shift took them"
OH MY GOD. sigh of relief...........then a fit of laughter. are you serious? she's all.......yeah this is a big deal can you come into work early to help me figure this out? so i come in at 2:30 and she's in the rn's office crying. oh my goodness..........there is no use crying over stolen pop-cans. hehe. nope she's crying because she lost her holiday pay b/c she called in sick the weekend after new years. um duh this has been our company policy for forever and a day and pretty much every other company police that i know of. but nope, she's crying to the supervisor about it. holy dramaqueenmuch?
and then, also on friday, friday was a really good day for heather, i get a call from my apartment office saying that they shouldn't have charged me the transfer fee and they have $400 to give back to me. CHA-CHING. oh my goodness happy day. now i had to pay that b/c they factored it into what i owed for when i moved. and jess hasn't paid me back yet so i was contemplating not telling her...........but like a good little girl i did tell her today. i wish i wasn't so honest sometimes. but anyway whoo-hoo i'm so excited about that. and since i wasn't counting on getting that money back, i can use it to lower my rent even more, CHA-CHING
damn i'm good.
birth control is highly overrated. well, i shouldn't say that b/c it does do it's job for some. not me. captain bloodsnatch came a week early and decided to give me the cramps from hell for a week. yay. where are my tranquilizers? can i take some of that darvocet that's not being used at work? DAMN. ouch.
I got a letter from my friend in Ireland on friday too. Friday was a really good day minus captain bloodsnatch. She's doing well, has another baby on the way, and her little boy that is almost two is SOOOOOOOOOOO cute. I love babies.
AND I got a call from my old manager at Old Navy that I was really good friend with. She wants me to rent her house from her, and since i just signed a new lease I'm all.....uh no, but let's hang out again! And so she and I are going to hook up tomorrow and I think I'm going to try and get Kortney and Scott out of their cardboard box and into her house for her.
Oh i'm so excited. And today I went pot-shopping with my mom and dad. And remember how I said I'd try to have more patience? Well I didn't even feel the need for antidepressants or alcohol once when I was with them tonight. And that is some progress for me. I love my parents, but aren't all parents a bit much at times? They like my new place, mom likes my furniture and wants to steal my coffee table idea now. And dad was helping me buy pots. So yay. A good ending to an overall stressful week.
And suprisingly I think I can do this. I need to be focused and not lazy and do the work for this class but I think I can do this.

(1 love | give me some lovin)

ridin' the pony [07 Jan 2004|12:14am]
[ mood | moody ]
[ music | Green Eyes-Coldplay ]

so i went to meijers today. and i walked past the pink pony, and it just so wasn't the same without my girls being there! i had so much fun on new years. and i know i said that already, but considering the hellish semester i'm starting in about 9 hours, i'm going to relish in my fun new years memories until i have a chance to have fun again.
which reminds me, i saw one of my profs yesterday and she told me that i needed to quit my job and just concentrate on this class b/c it's a really tough one and i don't want to repeat it. so if i wasn't terrified before, i am now. thanks a lot cathy. and like, if you want me to quit my job, how about you pay my rent then eh?
i've spent the last few days completely relaxed and doing nothing and i love it. i have slept in and stayed up late and just watched tv.............and it's been great. and as much as i'll probably regret saying this, i'm sorta ready to get back to real life with school and everything. i want to be done, and i want it to not kick my ass, but i also want to not be bored, which i have been the past few days. and you can only call up your friends so many times and have a faux-conversation.
i am going to regret ever having said that tomorrow. but for now, call me pathetic b/c i have nothing to do and nobody to hang with. whatev
so i talked to the whore the other day. she's all, "we should get together and hang out soon" i'm all ok yeah when you give me my fucking money bitch. was that harsh? b/c it was certainly meant to be. so i out of the goodness of my heart say, ok let's split the transfer fee, even though i didn't want to in the fuckign first place. and then when i go to pay for my new place, it's automatically factored into my payment. so i pay it all. and now she hasn't paid me a bit. i probably won't get o ne red cent from her. so she's never going to see the security deposit back either then. stupid slut. guess she'll just have to work extra hard on her corner to make up the money she lost.
i'm sounding very bitter, but really i should be thanking her b/c i'm much happier on my own than i ever was with her. so.......thank you whore. enjoy your life. don't call me with your problems again thanks buh-bye
maybe another resolution should be to get some anger management......hehehe nah

(give me some lovin)

[06 Jan 2004|02:03am]
[ mood | tired ]

so it's a new year already and it's time to count those resolutions again. there is always the one to be happy with myself, to make time for fun, to lose weight, and to read more. however I'm also going to try and have more patience with my family. i know i know, it's going to be hard, but give or take they are what i have, and they are all i have so i may as well get used to it and stop trying to change everything.
new years was fun girls. even though drunk sarah couldn't stop argueing with scott about steve mcnair (look at that you were right!) it was fun. I love taboo. I never play it except for occassions when i'm drinking. and i usually don't cheat but drunk sarah pulled me into it. hehe
anyhoo 2004 started out really well and i'm hoping that this is the year of heather.
so the rest of the weekend i worked my ass off. i almost lost a resident too. man oh man i couldn't sleep saturday night. i kept waking up and wondering if he had gone or if there was something i should have done differently. but he's still hangin in there.
i've become a zombie the past few days. i just can't sleep enough. no matter if i go to bed early or late i get up at noon and am still tired. i start my class on wednesday so i'm giving myself one more day to sleep and then i've got to get my butt in gear.
i went to orientation for my online music class tonight. it seems like it's going to be a LOT of work for it just being a 3 credit class. and the teacher used to be a monk. we got his whole life story in class today and i think he's like 500 years old, but really he's 62. and we just about killed him tonight......he kept singing along with mozart and beethovan and i was all, "dude, don't sing you are ruining this for me" ugh. and the whole point of online classes is to go at your own pace and tonight he kept reading everything to us like we were morons. i'm all, i've come this far i think i know how to read. shut up already!!!!!!!! it's a really good thing i'm not taking the class for real b/c man i think before the end of the first night i'd kill him. he should have stayed a monk and taken a vow of silence.
oh yeah, AND he wants us to learn html for this class. and yeah, it just seems like an awful lot of work for a gen ed requirment class.
ok since i fall asleep whenever i sit down these days, i can't sleep now. boy oh boy great way to start off the new semester with a fucked up sleeping schedule.

(1 love | give me some lovin)

no more naps [29 Dec 2003|12:01pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | saved by the bell themesong ]

i am not allowing myself to take naps ever again. i took two yesterday and i was up till 4:30. this is how my night went.
1 am-watching tv
2 am-balancing checkbook and writing thank you notes
3 am-laying in bed wondering if i should get a pug
3:30 am-laying in bed wondering where i should hang my pictures
4 am-my neighbor gets up to pee
somewhere between that and 5 i fell asleep
only to be woken up at 8 by hammering, at 9 by telemarketers, and 10 by telemarketers. NO MORE NAPS EVER!
so i have new stuff for my living room. it is actually tastefully decorated without trolls, or any animal prints of any kind. i'm so excited. i went shopping saturday night and i was so excited i wanted to sleep on my couch all night, but i didn't.
why is it that two weeks after i move in, my fire alarm starts chirping telling me the battery is low? i think when the construct these places they put in the deadest batteries they have just so they don't have an extra expense at providing me with at least a month of fire protection without chirping.
i'm excited about new years. i need requests for drinks and such. and movies to rent.........i have a gift card to blockbuster so let me know ladies!
ok i should really go make myself into a person.

(give me some lovin)

ah the holidays [27 Dec 2003|03:15am]
[ mood | cranky ]

it seems that everyone is taking a moment to be thankful for their families and enjoy the merriment of the holidays. my reflection, which is not at all unusual for me, is that there is not enough prozac in the world to make me think that my family holidays are fun.
But i should really start at the best part of my week, the beginning. so monday i start my christmas shopping. and i realize that i really have no right to bitch about last minute shoppers b/c i was one, but hey is it my fault that teachers schedule exams at such opportune times as christmas? or the fact that the stupid whore decided to throw my life into upheaval and make me move? or that everytime i stepped foot in a mall before dec 23rd i found many cute things for me but my mind went totally blank when buying for others? I think not.
So as it always goes, I get impatient with crowds, i get moody, and i get road rage with stupid drivers. ho ho ho
so in two days i managed to shop, wrap, and get all of my christmas schtuff done. wonderful. woohoo.
i worked christmas eve and just about ripped one of my stupid little workers heads off. she started yelling at me telling me she didn't have to be there and would walk out. but yet, she didn't have an attitude. right.
christmas day i get up to fremont around 11:30. we open presents and dad was really excited about his parachute ride. i'm happy for him. mom slept through opening up her gifts. happy birthday to you.
we eat dinner. mom sleeps through dinner
we watch a movie. mom sleeps through the movie.
i take a nap in the other room b/c mom's snoring is loud enough to wake the dead
i try and pretend like this wasn't the shittiest christmas ever...........i'm not that good of an actress.
so by the time i get home, all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. but instead i get my house ready for my friends to come over and exchange gifts.
we talk, laugh, and have lots of general merriment as well as gawking over matthew mccoughney in how to lose a guy in ten days.
i love that movie.
at 3 am we all go our seperate ways. maybe this wasn't the worst ended on a fun note.
so i sleep till i have to get up and go to work today and then we have a call in. i call every person in the book and get no positive responses. i get attitude from the girls i'm working with.....saying "i'm not staying, i stay all the time" uh no you don't, that'd be me. so i get elected into staying. they want me to work a double. nobody will come in and work half the shift. nobody will come in an hour early even. i'm pissed. i get bitched out by somebody who is on vacation that i called. she barely has a high school diploma and can't tell the difference between cotton and wool and is yelling at me for calling her on her vacation. um next time leave a note bitch. thank you
i finally find someone to come in at 3 am. so i stay. i hear, "well at least you have tomorrow off it's not like it's that big of a deal." uh yeah it is, b/c i had plans tonight to meet up with friends after i got out of work. but somehow your plans trump mine, so i don't get to go. kinda like, i don't have kids so i don't matter. and besides that if it wasn't that big of a deal, then you stay
so here i sit at home, venting about my crazy horrible no good very bad week. remember that book? Alexander and the crazy horrible no good very bad day? Yeah I feel like that's my life.

(give me some lovin)

I'M DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [18 Dec 2003|01:00am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]
[ music | Macy Gray-Bye-bye ]

WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm not just talking about school. One more day of living here and I'll be free! I feel so liberated. And I'm loving it already. Tonight I moved all of my closet and half my bathroom and most of my kitchen and stupid little odds and ends. New Years at my place is a go. I need a chair, a fish tank, and lots of booze. Actually, tonight in my bare naked new living room I played with boxes arranging my furniture. Hehe. It's so fun. And since I so much resemble a couch, I played the couch while Jeanne checked me out to see how we liked the arrangement. It was great. My arms are tired though.
So yeah one more thing, I passed my nursing class. With an 85!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't even begin to tell you how great that feels. It's wonderful. I want to scream from the rooftops that I'm a nurse finally. But I won't b/c cranky neighbor downstairs in his boxers will probably come after me again. I was moving stuff at 7:30 tonight throwing boxes of shit in my car and he comes out in his boxers and is all, "all I hear tonight is up and down and up and down" I'm all, yeah that's all you're gonna hear in the next day or so so get used to it asshole. And put on some pants, you look like white trash.
My new place is great. And I don't think I have to buy an awful lot. An armchair, an end table, and a couple of lamps. Oooh I'm so excited.
Ok but sore arms are telling me to stop typing and go to bed, so I think I'm gonna.

(1 love | give me some lovin)

a quick study break [14 Dec 2003|11:40pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]
[ music | Little things-Patsy Cline ]

yeah so i'm taking a quick break from studying..........more like a break from breaking to study. lol.
last night with the girls was fun. mall=hell at christmastime. and i hate people. they walk in front of you and don't say excuse me and can't drive for shit. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
Oh and people in the movie theater need to shut the fuck up and stop playing with their cell phones and clapping. I really think that if that movie had been any longer last night i would have killed someone.
Hardy, I am loving the cd's. except now I have patsy cline stuck in my head and it WILL NOT ESCAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so yesterday as I was driving to GR I came to a realization. I am alone. as much as I hated Jessica, it was somewhat comforting to know that someone else would be there and if i didn't come out of my room for a day b/c I was sick someone would know. I don't even have people that I talk to on a daily basis anymore. my parents every other day or so, my brother when he gets a chance. kort when she gets off scott, steve only if i call him. so as much as i'm going to love being by myself, it's a little disconcerting to know how alone i'm going to be. and i am not saying this so everybody calls me every day i'm just's going to be wierd kinda.
i feel like i'm sinking into a pit of deep depression. the more i go home or talk to my mom the more i want to cut my ears off so i don't have to listen to the same old shit anymore. and i really don't know how my dad does it.........i've said it a million times before..........but damn. i just don't know how to deal with this stuff anymore.

(give me some lovin)

[13 Dec 2003|11:45am]
[ mood | busy ]
[ music | steve mcqeen-sheryl crow ]

once again a lot has happened since my last update. i have one more exam till i'm done and i'm so excited. and then just my state boards and i'll be a for real nurse!!!!!
my apartment is a sea of boxes. but yet the damn trolls can't be packed up yet. grrrr. i haven't started packing yet. not that i have half the shit to pack that she does but nope, haven't started. i pick up the keys next wednesday though. hehehehe..........i'm excited now. after the initial pissiness of the whole situation, i'm happy and excited now b/c hey, DING DING THE WHORE IS GONE.
i really need to start studying for my final. i think i'm going to for a little bit today, but more importantly I GET TO SEE MY GIRLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know what we are doing, but i'm certain it will be fun and involve alcohol of some sort. yay.
my mother is convinced that she has another disease. i give up. is that ok? i can't do this anymore. i can't try and pump hope and happiness into her when all she wants to do is bring herself down. do you know that if i still lived at home i would need serious help? and everytime i get on the phone with her all i hear is about how she is sick with something else. and i was up there wednesday with a cold and of course now she has bronchitis b/c you know, anything you can do i can do better.
i don't think it's a good thing to have no more faith in your mother, but that's where i'm at right now. and i have no idea how my dad does it. hats off to him
i have also been having wierd dreams. last night i dreamt that i was being set up for an arranged marriage and i was supposed to meet the guy at a funeral. and also i dreamed that i was in the movie the italian job. wierd. maybe i shouldn't munch on chips and salsa before i go to bed next time. lol

(give me some lovin)

dejavu [04 Dec 2003|11:44pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]'s been a week but it feels like it's been so much more.
so let me first say how much i am in love with my alias season 2 dvd's. and yes i know i shouldn't have bought them for myself so close to christmas, but i figured hey, it's my present to myself for being good this year. since i'm sure all santa will have for me is a lump of coal.
and another order to survive a wedding and weekend with my family i need large quantities of alcohol and antidepressants. i didn't have large quantities, but i did survive so YAY! the wedding was nice, i looked ok. my hair was cool though. and of course my pictures did not turn out. i took them the same place i took my LA pics to get developed and they turned out like shit. all fuzzy and stuff........i'm wondering if there is something wrong with my camera. hopefully there's not and then people that developed the pics were just dumbasses.
it was good to see Ryan and Kara. and i'm totally geeked about buying their explorer. i think it'll be a fun car to drive so hopefully this spring i'll be able to swing it.
i've had my last day of clinicals and am preparing for my finals. two exams and a paper to write. i haven't started the paper, and i have barely started studying. hopefully i'll have some time to do that this weekend. i can't believe i'm almost done and i'm almost a nurse. i think if i keep thinking such happy thoughts i'm going to jinx myself but i can't help it!!!!! this long road i've been traveling down i finally see a light at the end of the tunnel and it scares me half to death that i'm almost done, but i'm also really excited to be done too.
despite my being done with clinicals and having much more free time to myself, i've been in a bad mood this week. and i don't quite know why. i think all of the stress is getting to me and i'm psyching myself out again. great. just what i need to freak out again.
oh and i might be moving in a few weeks. jessica got a job in GR and she wants to move down there so she doesn't have to drive a long distance in shitty weather. which i totally understand. and i'm kinda relieved that i'll be able to be on my own sooner than planned, and i can get into a brand new apartment..........never been lived in before. i'm actually pretty excited about that too. i hope it pans out. we are screwed if we break our lease, but if i transfer to a different apartment it'll be to our advantage. so i'm thinking that's what we are going to do.
i'm already mentally spending my money on new furniture. hehehe.............oh dear.
now i need to study for real............except maybe i could watch a dvd while i study. hehe

the reason i'm having dejavu is because the other day i took a nap and dreamed that jessica got that job offer in gr and started picking a fight with me as to why i was a horrible roomate and wanted out of the lease. and what do you know..........she got the job and wants out. but she hasn't said anything bad about me b/c we all KNOW that i could just drill her with the ammo.

(1 love | give me some lovin)

let it snow [24 Nov 2003|09:27pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | Bad Day-REM ]

i am officially done with work and classes for a week. i'm so excited i might scream! it's been too long since i got to sleep in all week b/c i had no work or clinicals. yay
however a downfall to this joy, it's WINTER outside. yes that's right. yesterday a mere 24 hours ago it was in the 60's and i didn't have to wear a coat. and now i have to layer up in my house b/c i'm freezing my feet off. must i say how much i hate michigan again? i guess so
tonight i was watching tv and the commercial came on for puffs where the little cartoon girl's nose kept going into her face b/c of the bad tissues she was using. it creeped me out a little bit.....making it seem like her nose was like a belly button or something. shudder
and cyndi lauper has put out a new album.......of the songs she grew up with. and on the commercial she is singing "at last" um, no cyndi, that song is reserved for etta james, NOT YOU. you can sing girls just want to have fun all you want, but no singing classic songs like that. almost as bad as mandy moore singing "have a little faith in me" shudder
work was not good this weekend. i made two ladies cry, i got spit on, thrown up on, had pudding thrown at me, grabbed by one of my residents, slammed my thumb in a door, and nailed my wrist into a door handle leaving a lovely bruise. i think there was a full moon or something. b/c everyone was just crazy and last night i thought i should just grab a bed and stay there myself..............craziness
last night while i was watching my alias tape i found myself feeling sorry for lauren for a minute. she got punched by chubs and that's not cool at all. and she helped in the rescue of as much as i want to hate her, i admire her for being big enough to help her husbands ex-girlfriend who so TOTALLY still loves him. of course who wouldn't.
and i love arvin sloane. and jack, and vaughn............i love them all. they work well together to save the woman they all love in a different way. sigh.............
i was sitting across the room from eileen and andrew yesterday and i started feeling bad. like i don't know how i'm going to handle this wedding. i don't care about andrew and i certainly am not wishing i could marry him but damn........i am just feeling like the oddball out. and sometimes it's worse than others and usually i'm ok. but i don't think this week is going to be easy. and it's not that i don't want her to be happy, or kortney or anybody that i'm friends with that's in a couple. but i just hate feeling like the third wheel and usually i'm secure enough that i don't feel that way, but i just feel odd. i'm totally rambling right now, but hey it's my journal i can if i want to.
my cousin who is younger than me is getting married and she is going to be happy and i am nowhere near having that and i hate it. i'm happy with myself to an extent and i don't want to be married right now but i just wish i had something................anything ugh
ok i'm going back to watching varsity blues now. ps amy smart is jules in this movie. and i knew i recognized her i just didn't know how and i looked her up on IMDB and they don't list felicity as a "notable tv guest appearance" and i was like, damn she was on that more than she was on scrubs or whatever..........odd.
pardon my randomness and ramblingness.
let's hope i survive this week

(give me some lovin)

so there was this mollusk..... [19 Nov 2003|11:21pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | Oasis-wonderwall ]

so i didn't fall asleep when i watched the movie today. it was very cute, however i must say that i liked ice age better. but it was good
tonight i'm watching the italian job. lord only knows what kind of dreams that will leave me with.

(give me some lovin)

[19 Nov 2003|03:22pm]
[ mood | opinionated ]

ok so there is an age when we all start to realize that we've turned into our parents. i didn't think that mine would be 22 but it is. i was watching a movie last night and five minutes into it i fell asleep. i am turning into my father. and i'm scared. although i could probably do a lot worse so if the worst thing i do is fall asleep in a movie i suppose that's ok. however it is interrupting all of you fine people that read this (all two of you) my own personal movie review of finding nemo. if i can manage to stay awake long enough to watch it today, i'll let you know what i think about it.
also, falling asleep watching a fish cartoon can be dangerous to your dreams. i dreamt that my hand was being eaten by a snapping turtle which my brother somehow managed to pry off my finger and then on the other hand a rabid beast of a dog was using that hand as a chew-toy and the only person around was Mac, my real dog, and i wasn't going to call him over lest he get rabies too.
let's hope tonight brings fewer painful dreams b/c man i woke up and my hand seriously hurt!
on my way out the door to clinicals today i grabbed a slim-fast shake to drink in the car. and man, that stuff tastes like crap. and guess what? it should be called slim slow because it doesn't do anything fast............i can't even chug it fast b/c it tastes so gross.
i only have 4 hours left at brookhaven. i am so excited i can hardly believe it. i hate that place so much. the nurses are lazy, the aides are bitchy, the residents don't get taken care of properly and it makes me want to cry b/c i want to help them but there's nothing i can do. but this also means in a month i will be a nurse. HEHEHE i'm so excited about that.
today i got a phone call from work saying that they were yanking some of my hours b/c one of the girls at the other building hurt her back and she is back from her week off and wants to get some of her hours back. so i'm all, that's nice that she wants her hours back, but i work 3 days a week as it is............don't be yanking me around to suit her. it's not my problem that she hurt her back. but now they aren't yanking my hours so that's nice. it still pisses me off though. i'm sorry but it really isn't my problem that star hurt her back and yeah she used to work in this building and she has been there for 5 years, but she won't go pulling her rank on me b/c in a month in a half i will be a supervisor and if i had my way she wouldn't be there at all. she doesn't know what she's talking about and she's got an attitude that i'd like to knock off of her with a blockhammer.
of course today i have an attitude too.......and am a bit opinionated but you probably already guessed that. i'm just tired of being pushed around and i'm not letting work do it and i'm certainly not letting those lazy-ass nurses at BH do it either. ha-HA!

(give me some lovin)

little brown jug [16 Nov 2003|02:34am]
[ mood | weird ]

ok so i thought my night was over before when i updated but oh got better.
kort came over after work and we were hangin out or whatever and she's all, wanna go to the bar that scott is at with my parents? uh ok i have nothing better to do tonight. so we drive ourselves to fruitport. kort takes time getting herself all made up and dressed up as per usual, which i'm all um hello even me in my jeans will probably be the best dressed person there, which i was damn close to.
so we get there and it's a hole in the wall. and more or less it's just a HOLE. so i decide i need to start drinking immediately if i'm going to survive an hour here. so scott gets me a drink. then the band plays some slow song that scott and kort want to dance to so i'm sitting at the table sipping on my drink that i've already downed by now trying not to look too pathetic. and oh no it didn't work. a guy in a red wings jersey comes up to me and starts singing the song. i smile at him politely and kinda turn my head back to my drink thinking he'll get the hint. but oh no he procedes to sing the rest of the chorus to me and then walks off towards the bar to try and get another piece of ass since i obviously wasn't hooked on his charm and musical talent.
so kortney comes back and i have scott get me another drink b/c after that experience i need one. and i tell kort she is not allowed to leave me. and red wings guy comes back as soon as scott leaves. he pulls up a chair and starts talking to kort. i am watching the bar for scott to return and am not paying attention to him. he's asking where we are from and if we come there often. which, ok i'm sure as soon as i walked in the door you could tell that i didn't come there often and i'd never been there before and i wasn't from there. b/c a, i wasn't smoking, b) i wasn't wearing some sort of sports paraphenalea, and c) i wasn't over the age of 35
so scott comes back and i start sucking down my drink and red wings guy leaves finally. i instruct kortney to not leave me the rest of the night and she's all, "i thought he was cute" i'm all then go after him. b/c you know all he wants tonight is a piece anyway.
and so after one more drink that i managed to guzzle down in about 3 minutes time we were off finally. i'm now back at home safe and sound in my warm, redwings free, non smokey apartment.
i don't think i'll ever leave home again.

ps the name of the bar was the little brown jug.......and for his pickup line federov(redwings guy) leaned in and said "so what brings you to the jug?" oh yeah you had me from hello buddy

(give me some lovin)

road rage [15 Nov 2003|11:21pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | Cranberries-song from alias pilot ]

so today was a lovely day off for me. i got to sleep in, catch up on my laundry, clean my apartment, do my dishes (and jessica's of course) and go tanning. i went over to steve's this afternoon to meet his new dog bailey, who conincidentaly tried to eat my face. on my way over there this brand new lexus was riding my ass like crazy. and i'm not usually one that drives slowly as probably all of you that read this know. so i'm pissed off right? and i'm all, ok honey i know that your door costs more than my entire car but back the fuck off. grrrrrr it was slightly annoying. and i'm not the world's best driver, but people like that bug me.
saw the Runaway Jury tonight. loved it. John Cusack I love you. i think i'm going to go on a mission to see every movie he was in b/c i really like him. and i've seen quite a few of them as it is. high fidelity and say anything are among my favorites though.
enough of the movie critic for now
i get home and there is a message from work asking me to work 3rd. ha-ha NO. my weekend off means i don't answer my phone when oak crest calls. ha-HA
tomorrow will be my first sunday without alias in a long time. we have been spoiled b/c we have had a new ep a week for almost two months. and tomorrow when i turn on abc it will be jimmy kimmel. gag. what will i do with myself? perhaps be productive for a night? not likely though
i'm feeling a lot better these days, less neurotic and psycho. like i can actually relax and have some fun. and i'm not worrying about everything as much as i used to. like i do, but it kinda rolls off my back more. i wish i could be worry-free and not crazy neurotic on my own, but with the power of modern medicine i am becoming less psycho.
i was watching sex and the city tonight and remembering how much i loved it. i watched the one where carrie burst into tears everytime big talked about his surgery and i just loved it. i think i do want her to end up with him if she does end up with anyone in the end. i don't want her to end up with that russian dancer guy. he seems..........odd. i don't know how to put it other than that.
i picked up my pottery from last week. my mug looks pretty cool. i mean it's kinda not the colors i pictured it to be but i like it. i wish i were more creative and could be artistic with stuff like that. i think i could really have fun at that place if i knew what to do. but i need lines and a color by number thing to follow, and even then it'd probably look like an 8 year old boy painted it. actually, there were a couple of little boys at the table next to us last week and i think their's looked better than mine. ugh.
well we can't all be jack of all trades i suppose

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