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(give me some lovin) [09 Sep 2004|12:30pm] [ mood | stressed ] today was the most nerve wracking day of my entire life. also known as the day that I took my RN boards. I had to get up at 5:30 this morning because my appointment was in GR at 9 am and we wanted to leave in good time and bypass construction traffic, so we left at 7. well we didn't bypass construction, we sat in it. but we got to GR in plenty of time b/c we got there at 8. We go upstairs to the testing center, and it's not open yet. So we decide to go use the restroom. Well apparently it's top secret in there so we couldn't get in there either without a key. So we go downstairs to look for a restroom. Again it's under lock and key. So apparently you have to have the proper clearance to pee in the waters building. We finally find a bathroom in a coffee shop downstairs, which may I add had the teniest stalls I've ever seen, and since i am less than teeny, it was fun. So we finally go back upstairs and they are open. We are the first ones there and we take numbers, i was lucky number 1, and sit down and wait. While she registers us we have to give her our fingerprint, two forms of ID, she takes a picture, promise her my firstborn......you know that sort of thing. And apparently it's not an ordinary fingerprint......b/c everytime i put my finger down she was like, 'um no you are doing it wrong.'' I was about to really give her a fingerprint. So anyway I get registered and then I have to fingerprint again to go into the computer room. Again I am an idiot and do the fingerprint wrong. My goodness it's like i'm a career criminal or something. So I get to my computer and sit down and begin to take my test. The computer can shut off after 75 questions or you can take up to 265. Well when does my computer shut down but 265. I think that every day a random person has to take all of the questions, so it doesn't necessarily mean i was doing bad. However I am not feeling at all rational about this while I'm in there taking my test, so I think I'm doing really bad. And i get up and take a break, and of course let's fingerprint me again b/c i might have changed since I was in there being watched by the video cameras and all. At least this time she only had to ask me to do it once. Even career criminals can get the hang of fingerprinting apparently. I go back in and have decided that yes I am the unlucky person that is getting all of the questions and that i have to deal with it. So about question 255 i'm getting really stir crazy and just want to be done. so i finally finish and want to cry and puke and pass out all at the same time. so now i am done. maybe i'm a real nurse, maybe i'm a dumbass.....officially that is. I DON'T KNOW AND I WON'T KNOW FOR TWO DAYS. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH two days of sheer hell and i have to move.

(1 love | give me some lovin) [05 Sep 2004|10:17pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | I guess that's why they call it the blues-Elton John ] These last few weeks have been very tasking. In the next few days I am preparing to take my state boards, move into a new apartment, and continue looking for houses. Not to mention start working 2nd shift at the hospital. Today I lost it. I was sitting in church and all of the sudden felt like I didn't belong there and I felt empty and I started crying. And then when I got home of course my mom made it all about her and I cried and yelled at her some more because she doesn't listen to me. I felt better after getting out everything that's been bothering me. Which is basically all of the changes that I'm about to go through or am starting to go through right now. I have been so afraid to become this person. This adult person that I am making myself a nervous wreck. I'm terrified that I will become a basketcase like my mother. And I resent her so much for so much that isn't even right or in her control, well some of it. I don't even know where I'm going with any of this. I've felt really empty and alone recently. And all I wanted to do was to feel something.........and it came out today and I felt extreme sadness. So where do I go from here? I have to move because of my dog. She isn't allowed in this building so I had to send her off to my mom and dad's for a couple of weeks while I wait for an apartment to open up for me. I don't want to move again. It's just such a pain in the ass. And I'm moving back up to the third floor. Grrr. Work is going kinda ok. I have these nurses that are really cool, but then I have these nurses that aren't giving me any leeway for not doing things perfect because they are perfectionists. Which I am too, and I feel like I"m doing an ok job for what I know and for how long that I've been there, and now with them dogging on me I feel like shit. But I start a new shift this week. Hopefully it will be better. I've started looking for houses to buy and talking to a mortgage person. The house looking is actually exciting now that I've gotten over the terrified part of the process. And I actually found one that I like. So hopefully I will get approved for the loan and what not. I'm taking my state boards on thursday morning. It came up out of the blue. I got my authorization number and decided just to take them and get it over with as soon as I could. It just happened to be that it was in the middle of all of this shit. Maybe not the smartest idea. But I'm studying everyday and trying to not freak out about them. So I guess circumstances in my life are rather stressful right now. And I expect a lot more of myself than I should for right now. I just need to try not to make myself feel more than I have to. One day at a time. Tomorrow all I have to do is study, make dinner for dad, and maybe pack up a few boxes of stuff for the move. That doesn't sound so scary. I can do this

(give me some lovin) Thank You [14 Aug 2004|01:28am] [ mood | grateful ] [ music | Happiness Is-The Verve Pipe ] Wow. What a day and a half. I’m exhausted. Yup that’s right, I got the dog. She is a wonderful sweet and dainty (at times) little girl. And I love her to pieces. However she is not really house trained as we have been having numerous accidents and she doesn’t get the point of going outside to pee. I am trying to be patient with her because it’s only been a day and a half. Sigh. In other news the Ipod was a fun purchase that I recently made. I am still putting music onto my computer and hopefully tonight I’ll complete that task and load it into the IPod. I’m excited. It’s so nice! 2158 songs on my computer right now. 11.65GB. Good thing I went for the 40K one I suppose. Ok as I had promised my lovely brother, here comes the sappy emotional stuff. In looking back over everything that I’ve been through I want my friends and family to know that without their love and support and kicking my ass I could never have gotten where I am. I may act strong, but I can’t fool myself. I’m terrified and exited and nervous and want to throw up when I think of all of the changes that I am going to be going through in the next few months. That doesn’t sound strong to me. But I do love and thank everybody that helped me along the way. And it wasn’t even people I necessarily loved either. My selfish drive to be better than my old roommate pushed me this far partially. And now here I am. Am I better? Who’s to say. Am I more educated? Definitely. But the point is there are so many people that have had a profound effect on me. Whether they loved me enough to give me the money to make this dream possible, or whether they rubbed my nose in their success until I wanted to puke, or whether they just put up with my emotional phone calls and moodiness and helped me through the hard times. You have all helped me in a way that I only hope that someday I can repay in some small way. You’ve made me want to be a better person. And I’m not done yet, that’s for sure, but I’m getting there and I know who I should give the credit to. XOXOXO Thanks ~H~

(2 loves | give me some lovin) I will survive [09 Aug 2004|05:57pm] [ mood | rejuvenated ] [ music | I don't wanna be-Gavin Degraw ] I did it. I am done with nursing school. One last leap ahead of me is my state boards. I can't even believe it's all over. It felt like it took so long, but then it didn't seem like it was time for me to stop yet. Does that make sense? I kicked the ass of the exams and ended up doing well in my last two classes. I really liked psych, and management taught me a lot about how to prioritize and stuff. Having this last month off has been somewhat therapeutic. I quit my job in the beginning of July. Two days before I left my boss that I wasn't entirely fond of quit. The whole place is in an uproar basically b/c nobody saw it coming. I was glad that I left when I did. Because scheduling became a mess b/c they gave it to someone who wasn't qualified to handle it. Two people passed away since I left. And another person that I had worked with got fired. She did need to get out of there b/c she didn't take good care of the residents, but I feel bad that she got fired. Kinda.......does that make sense? I miss the residents at work like crazy so I've been in to visit a few times, but it's wierd going back kinda. I don't know how to explain, it just is. I still feel like I work there b/c of all the stuff people still tell me and how connected I am to the residents. But I'm so glad that I don't b/c of the stuff people tell me and how connected I am to the residents. Especially since two of them died and that would have been really hard to take if I had still been there. Shoot it's hard to take not being there. I've decided to get a dog. I saw an add for a yellow lab that was 1 yr. old and already trained. I get to pick her up on thursday. I'm excited, but a little nervous. I'm so happy that she's trained and spayed and all of that already but nervous about how she'll adjust to me instead of the family she had been living with. My dad said to me that he didn't want a second dog if this didn't work out. So it was just a little pressure on me. Nevermind the fact that he and mom had been bugging me to do this for a month now. So I will write and let you know how it goes. Her name is Ellie. Hehe. She's so cute. I can't wait. I had to say goodbye to Hughes. She is so brave for moving to California I can't even believe it. I wish her the best of luck out there and I know she will do fantasticly. She is just so brave. I can't get over it. Our last night with her was fun...abusing my target discount for Harry Potter Fizzling Whizbees.....aka pop-rocks. And of course drinks with the girls. All 4 of us. It was great. Reminiscing, dreaming about the future.......and somehow knowing that the present was going by too fast. When did it happen that we all grew up? I have to be a real adult in a week by starting my job. And after doing so well in my last class I'm not quite as terrified, but still very apprehensive about this. I had a peptalk from one of my instructors who was like.....You are so ready for this. I know you don't feel like it now, but trust me in 6 months you are going to feel it. Man I hope so. I have thirteen thousand weddings to go to in the near future. Well, ok just 3 but it feels like a lot more. And for the first time I'm not feeling too bad about it. Two of the wedding are friends from my nursing class and I know it's going to just be a fun girls night for me and my study buddies. And the other one I think Steve is going to be my date to and I can't wait to go and make snooty comments about it. Hehe.....I don't feel too alone right now. I don't feel pathetic. Maybe I've gotten so comfortable with myself now that I don't feel bad being single. I love it. I love being able to go out with my girls whenever I want. To go buy new toys without having to worry about what someone might say. Or to stay at home and just read a book without being bugged by anyone. It's great for now. Everyone keeps telling me how I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I really don't like the way that sounds. Yes I'm closing the door to my educational career for now but can't I go back? Maybe they should say that I'm turning the page in my choose my own adventure book. That sounds better don't you think? Because I refuse to stop learning just b/c I'm not in school anymore. And also I don't want to close that chapter.......the one where I can go out and have fun with my friends and be silly and get drunk. I don't want to close that chapter. I refuse. My dad is becoming a daredevil, in his own way. He went on his power parachute ride. That's right, my 52 year old father went parachuting. I, of course was standing by in case of calamity, but he had so much fun. I'm so glad that he's finally getting out and doing things for himself. I'm so proud of him. Yet he still let's my mother get him down. I guess some things won't ever change. At least some things are starting to. I am in Iowa right now at Ryan and Kara's. Today I got to spend the whole day doing what I wanted to. I read a book for fun, a whole book, and went to the mall. And I had lunch out by myself. I never do that. But it felt really good to just go and sit there and eat and not worry about what people were thinking but just to enjoy my day. And I did. And since I can't think of anything else of consequence to say for now I shall tell you all the most important thing.......I GRADUATED! I'M A REAL NURSE NOW. WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(give me some lovin) [26 Jun 2004|02:14am] [ mood | itchy ] I am under the influence.......of benedryl. Which I think might be more potent than alcohol. Maybe not. Why must people be inconsiderate? One of my biggest pet peeves is inconsiderate people. (PS I think it took me a year to write that word twice) Anyway.........I had a cousin over earlier this week and she sat on my couch talking to me running her toe up and down my coffee table, which is made of wicker by the way, making that horrible sound that was almost like nails on a chalkboard. I stared at her toe the entire time she was talking to me hoping that I could sum up some sort of Matilda power and have her toe suddenly amputated. And then people come to my house and are really gassy. I think it must be me. I bring it out in certain people. it's very odd. And then Scott and Kortney bring Buddy, their dog over, which normally doesn't bother me, but I've had a lot of allergy problems this week and so the minute he comes in my eyes start watering, I start itching everywhere and I can't breathe. Now the considerate friend would maybe take thier uninvited dog home. However they stay for the entire movie I had just popped in, drink my pop, eat my food, make fun of my overactive tearducts and runny nose and then finally leave after the movie. And I was trying not to take benedry till I was getting closer to the time for bed, b/c it makes me feel funny and sleepy. So there...........why must people be inconsiderate? (didn't take a year this time) i'm off to bed to sleep off my allergy-induced coma

(give me some lovin) it's been awhile [24 Jun 2004|12:33am] [ mood | lazy ] [ music | Alias Theme-JJ Abrams ] so since i wrote last a lot has happened. here goes.......... I interviewed for the job at Hackley, and the woman I interviewed with of course asked me the normal questions and played nice and acted like she knew who I was when she really had no clue. That day she offered me a job and had me meet with my boss and get a drug test and then the next day she called and offered me the job. So I now have employment lined up for me when I get out of school. I start August 16. So in between finishing school and starting work I have a week and a half. WOOHOO. I'm gonna go somewhere........I don't know where, but somewhere. I had to get my physical for work of course. And I must say that the clinic I had to go to was the most disorganized place I'd ever been to. I had to go there like 4 times in a week and they made me wait at least an hour each time and didn't know I was coming when I had appointments set up. VERY DISORGANIZED! And I must also say that I have memorized the discovery health channel that they play that repeats every hour. Well anyway I had to do the routine physical and whatnot and get a TB test. Well the first night after they gave me the shot my arm looked like I had hives, well hive, but still it looked bad. It got better, but still looked not right when I went in on thursday to get it read. And of course, they told me that they thought it was a positive test. Which meant I had to get a chest x-ray, they thought I had been exposed to TB, and that I would have to go on the medication for 9 months for prophylaxis. I was not a happy camper. All of this happened right before my final two exams in psych. It's a good thing that I liked the class b/c I really couldn't concentrate on studying. For starters the medication I was going to be on could give me hepatitis. Sure, no problem sacrifice my liver for the .03% chance that I actually will ever get sick. Go for it. And then to top that off, I had to abide by this crazy diet where I couldn't have alcohol, caffine, soda, chocolate, cheese, processed meats........the list goes on. Basically for 9 months I would have been a rabbit living on water and lettuce. Which didn't sound at all appealing to me. And, if by any chance I ate something that I shouldn't, I could go into a hypertensive crisis. Woohoo, bring it on right? WRONG. Heatha was freaking out for like 5 days. So I go back and talk to the dr. the next week, and of course I had to wait a year b/c they didn't know I was coming, whatever. Anyway nice dr. said that I was probably just allergic to the shot and it was very unlikely that I would ever develop symptoms and that it was too risky to bother with. THANK YOU LORD! So that definately made me like the happiest girl in the world. But he did tell me that my hepatitis shot that I got didn't work and that I might be in the 5% of americans that cannot become immune to it. Which just figures right? So it's a good thing I didn't go on that med b/c my poor liver would be hating me that's for sure. It probably already does. hehehe So that was one catasrophe averted. Then I had exams in the middle of all of this. Which of course I tried to concentrate on, and I actually did pretty well, but it just was too much to deal with all at once for me. And then one of my best friends almost didn't pass psych, she was right on the borderline and they squeaked her by. So for like a day we were all on pins and needles waiting to find out what would happen to her. So after finals, and my TB crisis were over I crashed for like 3 days. Actually, I've been doing that a lot. I'm always tired, I have no energy and no matter how much I sleep, it never seems to be enough. So this past weekend I find out that my great aunt died and I had her funeral to go to. And a whole bunch of family was in from out of town and so friday I call up work to ask them if I can come in an hour late on Sunday so I can go to the visitation. And they don't call me back and let me know until Saturday when I went into work. They were like, ''well you have to come in early for me a day next week so I don't go into overtime and this is just really inconvienient for me." Well I'm sorry I could ask for the entire weekend off.......and next time I'll ask my relatives to just hold on until after my last day of work b/c god knows how important your life is to me that I don't want to screw it up. I'm so glad that I only have 4 days left. And nobody is acting like they care. Which kind of pisses me off. I've given Oak Crest a lot of myself for two years and they can't even act like they care that I'm leaving? It makes me mad. And my staff doesn't care either. They come to me with problems that they want me to deal with before I go b/c if I don't, nobody will. Because they are a lazy bunch of bitches that like to gossip and that's it. On a happier note, 4 DAYS LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I get to see my girls tomorrow! YAY. I have an exam on monday already. I've had 3 days of class and already an exam. Scary. So this weekend will be spent dog-sitting (maybe) and studying (again maybe ;) Mom and dad are supposed to go away for the weekend.....which means that I get the big horse at my apartment. And considering I spent an hour with him tonight and my airway was constricted for like 2 hours after and I now have a sore throat, I'm thinking maybe it's not such a good idea. And also, maybe I shouldn't get a dog. But on the other hand if I get one that's smaller than Mac, which doesn't take much considering he weighs like 100#, I will be ok. I hope so...........I really want a dog.

(give me some lovin) AHHHHHH [29 May 2004|11:15pm] [ mood | indifferent ] today was the most boring day ever. i made up a resume, which i did a shitty job on, i cleaned my house, i vaccumed, i fixed my printer. and NOBODY would answer their fucking phone, so i had to sit at home all day long. at one point i went to target, but i wasn't even in the mood to shop. i know it's tragic. and at target of all places. sadness. i'm feeling kindof indifferent and moody right now. i got about a million phone calls from troll-girl jessica today..........she is having boyfriend problems and of course i'm the one to listen to them. which i don't mind, but she tells me what is going on and i am just like, whoa ok warning signs from way back from the beginning, but why do i see them and not her? and then after all of that...."are you seeing anyone special?" i was about to pull a miranda and start joking with her about dating my doorknob but then i'm like.........why the hell would i want what you are going through? she thinks her life is still so much better than mine, yet she calls me up and is like, "heather what do i do?" i just don't get it. i don't understand how people can be so stupid. i don't understand the need to always have a guy around. maybe i'm too independent, but at least i know that i won't be clingy also today i passed the time by playing spider solitare. of course i couldn't win hardly at all and the stupid game was laughing at me b/c i'm so dumb. i wish my friends were here. i wish we could be like the girls on sex and the city and go to parties and out to lunch and shopping............but nobody around here is like that at all i have a headache...........too much thinking and staring at the computer screen today

(give me some lovin) the perfect fit [28 May 2004|09:29pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | Good Day-Luce ] i'm having a bipolar week. maybe it's just the month of may....but i feel like i'm under intense stress with class and dealing with all of these people that are crazy, but don't seem too crazy when you just meet them. it's a wierd thing b/c when i first start talking to these people i'm like, ok that sounds familiar that's not so bad, but then they go ape-shit and try to kill themselves. so what makes them crazy and me not? well in a matter of speaking at least. i hate money. i gave work my notice and i will be done on july 4th. the bitch that does the schedule is only giving me one day a week right now other than the weekends and she's all, "oh i wish you could stay" blah blah blah whatever bitch. next week i have an interview at one of the hospitals in town. and almost everyone in my family is trying to get me to work in the mont. and i'm all, uh look at the price of gas..........look at what i drive, plus it's fremont i tried to leave that place thank you very much. but they all seem to be disappointed in me that i'm not going to the thirld world countries to cure the lepers, or work in fremont and see the gerber babies. i'm almost afraid to tell them that i like psych b/c then they'll really judge me. i have so much to do this weekend. i have to make up a resume, write two papers, create a posterboard all about massage and how beneficial it is for the mind etc. and my printer took a crap last night. so yay fun. and then there is kortney. where do i even begin? well, ok why do i put up with it? our friendship hasn't been a two-way street for a long time. i'm the one calling her, and she cancels plans, doesn't call me, and generally doesn't care. and i hate that i have invested so much and now i'm the one who is let down, yet it really doesn't make or break her life b/c she's got Scott. i don't mean to sound really jealous and bitchy. but i guess that's what i am tonight. and it feels like i can't find a place to fit in. i am about to be done with school, and what i desperately want is someone to say "ok heather, you should work here and do this" but now this decision is up to me and i'm petrified that i won't like it, and i won't fit in, and i'll loose all of my friends sigh............it's been a long day and maybe i'll feel better in the morning. or maybe i should have stolen some antipsychotic samples from the office today and i'd feel better

(give me some lovin) i'm paranoid now [20 May 2004|04:18pm] [ mood | weird ] [ music | Save a horse, ride a cowboy ] ok, so psych floor week two. this week it's a little bit more exhausting than last. i had fun last week. the patients talked to me and i was having fun. today was very exhausting. listening to my patients unload their baggage on me today was a little overwhelming. partially b/c i have to get over my feelings about the situation and partially b/c their lives just kinda suck. like a person who cheats on their spouse generally i don't have a lot of feelings of pity for them. but this patients situation just totally blew. i don't know. i like variety, which may be why i like ER so much b/c you see so much different stuff that you don't just have to focus on the surgical aspect of things. i don't know. I don't need to make my mind up yet, so that's always a plus. it's strange being in a class where my instructor takes every little detail we say and analyzes it. i was sitting there talking to her and then i started thinking to myself, oh no heather shut up, she's going to think you are crazy stop talking! so now i'm paranoid about what my psych teacher thinks about me. i heard from my ex-roomie last night. she was saying how we haven't kept in very good touch. and i'm all........yeah i've been busy.....with SCHOOL. i'm such a little bitch, but i had to get that in there to dig at her since she did it to me so much. and i know it's totally petty, but i feel so much better for finally doing something that she couldn't do. boy oh boy if only Kathy could hear me now.........she'd really have something to say about my personality disorver or whatever she thinks i have. work has been kicking my ass. or actually, my boss has been. she was beginning to lose control over "her" building, so she called me up and reamed me out for talking to a family member and saying too much the other night. after sufficiently defending myself i then went to her boss and showed her a med error that had been covered up. hehehe. yeah that's what you get when you cross me. ha-HA! oh yikes..........i can just hear the diagnosis coming out now........ragaholic.

(2 loves | give me some lovin) [17 May 2004|01:10pm] well, since i last wrote i started up my psych class, aced a test, have been told that I fit right in on the psych unit, and have had a few little breakdowns.....nothing of too much consequence though. i think i've totally found my niche. i like psych. when i go through my notes i am like......hum i think that my cousin is this. and i taught a group the other day on the unit and it was fun. everybody participated and gave me feedback and i totally liked it. and yeah, my classmates think i fit right in. which is either really sweet or really insulting. i haven't decided which yet. so i know i've talked about this before, but wow. i am just baffled that it's time for people my age to start making decisions like "which job do i take?" and "should i move to mississippi for that job?" it's just unreal to me that it's time for that already. and anytime i say anything about it to a family member they just blow me off and start talking about somebody else. my grandma for instance, wrote me an email that was all about my wonderful cousin who is in India doing missionary work at their hospital. which is totally cool that that's her thing, but it has never been mine. and when i try to say something about anything else it's like what? who cares we are talking about being in India here! and also i talked to her about my cousin that might have to move to alabama for a job and she's all, whatever let's talk more about being in india. whatever. i guess my little excitement over finding something that i like, or concern for my family that has to up and leave is just stupid and i should shut up. i told my mom that i liked psych and she's all, that's nice, wanna hear about my surgery? seriously............can i just get someone to fucking acknowledge me so that i will finally shut up! it needs to be next sunday. i want to call in really badly so i can be home to watch the season finale, but i have this horrible conscience about calling in. Hardy gave me a good list of reasons which I will reevaulate later on this week and hopefully i can just do it. eh...........i guess there's nothing else on my mind. i need to go look for a job. AHHHHHHHHH

(give me some lovin) i'm FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE [27 Apr 2004|10:15am] [ mood | drained ] [ music | Bad Day-REM ] I am done with class. WOOHOO! For a week. But hey, it's better than nothing. Since I haven't updated in awhile, I will back up a little. A week ago monday i had my 3rd exam for my nursing class which went ok, but I should have done better and I should not have CHANGED MY ANSWERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrrr it makes me mad when I do that. Anyhoo so last week I had to start worrying about the final. On wednesday I had my girls over to study and instead of doing that, we went to get massages. Overall a very productive study session if you ask me. lol. Friday was graduation. The speakers were long and boring. The president of the college took more time promoting his new library and asking for money than he did congratulating us, and the lady that read the names butchered them. I was considering showing up a few sheets to the wind, since there really is no other way to be at an mcc graduation. But I didn't. Sigh. After graduation my friends came out with me and my parents and we had a few drinks and got some dinner. It was fun. Mom seemed much more comfortable with Steve and Josh this time. But it was in a better setting...........a restaurant and there were enough people to make it not awkward. Over the weekend I worked. And had to put up with a whiny little twit who can't handle her liquor and was still puking at 3 pm on sunday so she had to go home sick. I was so mad. Of all things I was the one who wanted to go home b/c I had an exam to study for and she goes home b/c she's a drunk. Nice. Oh and I got beaten up by one of my residents. Yeah, kicked in the crotch, slapped in the face and punched in the nose. I was a little bit more than pissed at that one. And now to yesterday, the day from hell. So I get to school early to cram with my friends for the exam. It's at 1:30 and we get there really early. I was so nervous that I thought i was going to puke all morning. We took our exam and then the worry sets in. All i needed to pass was a 60, which i've never done that bad on a final, but I'm still worried and stressed. We go through the exam and I think if I counted right i got a 75 so I'm happy. After exams it's like a tradition for us to go to the bar and celebrate. So we go to the bar and start drinking. Well then I get a call from my dad who says Grandma wants to talk to me and invites me up to dinner. And i tried to say no. I really did, but my cousin was visiting from out of town so I had to go. I told her to go ahead without me for dinner b/c I was waiting for my grades to be posted, but no she says, Oh we'll wait for you. Oh lovely. So i've had 3 drinks and honestly need a couple more to prepare me for this evening of hell, but alas I don't and i go to dinner. It seems like all of my cousins I compete with somehow. Rebecca, for instance, is also in nursing. I think it's exciting that i graduate, She's going to India to nurse over there. She doesn't have nearly the amount of exams that i do. and she doesn't go through the summer. in between us figuring this out, grandma butts in at least 20 times saying, "what was that dear?" and we have to start all over again. So the longest dinner of my life is over and now I jsut want to go home. But no, grandma invites us back to her house for desert. And she invited some of my other cousins over so us girls could "catch up." Again, how do you say no to your grandmother? So I go and it takes forever and more of the whole having a conversation and having to explain it to everyone else in the room. Then finally, at 10:00 i get to leave. I go to my mom and dad's to stop by and say hello. And mom gives me the silent treatment. Excuse me? Yeah that's right. It's my fault that she was alone all day and night and I should have left grandma's earlier. So she's pissed. Well fuck you, I didn't have to stop at all. And if this is how it's gonna be, I won't be coming up anymore. The one day that I am the most stressed out and didn't want to deal with more family bullshit, she starts in on me. So I leave and tell dad that she needs to knock it off or I won't be coming up anymore. And he's frusterated of course and starts saying, "well why are you so stressed, was this exam any harder than previous ones?" um, YES and even if it wasn't, it doesn't matter. This exam was the one that I had to deal with right now. And it is a big deal b/c now I have another class successfully under my belt. But with my parents beign so stupid and my grandmother being.......herself, I just didn't get to enjoy my night at all. On my way home I call up the girls from class and find out where they are so I can join them at the bar. And that was the rest of my night. One girl was really drunk and kept showing her ass to people and dancing with the shoe-shine guy so I was trying my best to keep her fully clothed, yet still enjoy myself. So at least I passed my class. I am officially done for a week. And it's my weekend off. Yay.

(2 loves | give me some lovin) [07 Apr 2004|11:00pm] [ mood | pissed off ] forwarning.......this is going to be a bitchy rant about the dumbshits i work with. ok. so i picked up a shift tonight b/c they were shorthanded and i asked one of the girls if she could stay till 10:30 for me and let me leave at 9:30 b/c i have clinicals in the morning and a lot of stuff to do for them. she's all, maybe i'll let you know. and at 9:30 after she punches out she says, "oh by the way i can't stay for you" bitch if you weren't going to do it, then you should have just said so. i'd be a lot less pissy with you. and i am a supervisor on 2nd shift and it's hard to be a supervisor when you work with your friends. for instance when you have to tell them to stop being lazy. when i work lead i have to help with resident care, do the laundry, pass my pills, chart, clean the kitchen and pretty much finish up everything that daytime didn't get a chance to do or whatever. and kortney, as much as i love her, is not pulling her share. she doesn't help with resident care. she barely touches the laundry. and she leaves t hings for me to clean up after she's been working. and i'm sick of it. and it's not like you can tell your friend to stop being lazy and get to work. and then tonight she goes to the other building to help out her buddy star, and she comes back and says that she put people to bed over there. WHAT THE FUCK????????????? you can't manage to help people in your own building but you can go next door and do their work for them? nice. and granted, i don't do everything perfectly and people don't have to do things like me, but i'm also not lazy. we ran our asses off tonight and i even started her laundry for her b/c we ran out of towels. my work ethic is obviously different than hers, and i knew that from before b/c she did jack shit when we worked together at old navy, but yet i still have to pick up the slack. and i don't know how to tell her to stop being so damn lazy. it's becoming crystal clear to me that me and my friends are having less and less in common. my school friends think i'm hormonal and crazy. kortney thinks i'm anal and a third wheel. we were supposed to get together for lunch today and she and scott went and didn't call me. and when i called her scott was like, "we already went, i told her to call you but she didn't want to bother you" now i may be anal, i may be hormonal and crazy at times.........but i've never felt like i had fewer friends in the world.

(give me some lovin) [05 Apr 2004|08:18pm] [ mood | stressed ] so i know that i've written about this before, but i don't care it still freaks me out so i'm gonna write again. When did our problems go from having to decide which shirt to wear and shoes to go out in to where am i going to live and which hospital will give me better benefits? Seriously! I was on the phone with Hardy last night and breaking out in a rash talking about being done. And when I mention these fears to my classmates they look at me like i'm a nutcase. they'll get the rash soon enough and then will i look at them like they are crazy? no i'll hand them some benedryl and listen to their concerns. grrrrr i've been much too lazy recently to write.......or do anything for that matter. laundry has piled up like nothing else, my house is not clean, and suprisingly enough i never get enough sleep. i have senioritis so bad and i'm so afraid that i'm going to fuck myself up for this class. i don't want to, and for the last two weeks of clinical i will really just kick ass with my paperwork, but i don't wanna! i'm tired of this. it's been too long and i need a break. tonight my soup exploded in my microwave and i wanted to cry. this is not a normal reaction to exploding soup. so i spent an hour scrubbing..........this is what i do on monday nights.......and really any night that i have off. i'll maybe clean a little bit, watch tv for awhile and feel sorry for myself that i have no life outside of this apartment. but then when the opportunity comes to leave, i don't wanna do that either. it feels really good to like where i live and feel comfortable here, considering how i was so uncomfortable for so long before. but i'm damn near close to becoming a hermit. this is a little scary. maybe i'll go treadmill to some alias and get my energy back b/c Lord knows that i need something to give me energy.

(4 loves | give me some lovin) it's been awhile [30 Mar 2004|02:33pm] [ mood | hopeful ] [ music | Sand in my shoes-Dido ] so i guess i haven't written in awhile. however in my defense, nothing too exciting has been happening in my life. clinicals have been ok, although i'd like to kill my instructor sometimes. and school has been ok, well at least as good as it gets i suppose. i decided to walk at graduation. i didn't want to.......and in a way i still don't. mcc has screwed me so badly that i just feel like saying FUCK YOU to them and not walking. however it's also kinda saying that by me walking......saying, ha-HA you stupid asshats you threw the worst you had at me and look i'm still walkin'! my last official exam is on august 4th. so i still have all summer to go, but the end is in sight. and it's scaring me to death.........in 5 months i could be done.........and get a real job and have people's lives in my hands, and if i'm not careful something could happen to them and it'll be my fault. i'm scared. definately scared. i have some of the greatest friends in the world. and just in case they have forgotten how wonderful they are, i'm here to remind them. and even though we don't get to hang out much or talk very often i hope they know how much they mean to me. hardy, beth, hughes...........you girls rock and i love you. and now i have to go to the nuthouse........

(give me some lovin) my days as carol hathaway [19 Mar 2004|06:31pm] [ mood | fiesty ] ok so there are a few important things i learned in the er this week. 1. I am no Carol Hathaway, but given time I think I could become one. 2. The PA's are the cute guys. 3. ER is BORING until about 10 am. and lastly 4. in order to have any kind of excitement in muskegon, i have to generate it for myself ie....go run someone down so I have a chest tube to put in. heh mercy general is no county general that's for sure. but i did have a good time. it was exciting today i got to actually do some things that i hadn't before. we go to the ER in pairs and I was paired up with this guy, the only guy in our class and he was talking about going on to become a PA or a nurse anesthetist and i started thinking about that stuff. i think i will get my bachellor's degree and maybe somewhere down the line think about doing something more than nursing........but then i felt like a dumbass b/c he's saying how easy mcc is and how he doesn't have to study for the tests and he gets 100's. and i'm all..........ok so maybe i shouldn't do anything else b/c i'm a moron. i don't know. i think that it would be interesting to specialize further, but i really don't think i'm smart enough. and that is kindof a disturbing realization. i am on my half hour break from work right now.......and i have to go back. sad but true. and those nutcases better not beat me up tonight b/c i'm feeling fiesty!

(give me some lovin) happy green beer day [17 Mar 2004|10:32pm] [ mood | distressed ] [ music | Sunrise-Norah Jones ] hey hey it's st. patricks day and I got pinched a lot today.........however none of them were by cute guys damnit! i had a green beer for the first time ever. it was tasty. well as tasty as green beer can be. i'm so sad that I have to work on saturday......i wanna go bar hopping with my girls! it's times like these when i wish i didn't have a bad conscience about calling in. especially after i just got a really good review from my boss.............i wish i could be carefree and call in and say that i was sick. i did that once, when i really was sick, and ended up going to josh's birthday party anyway and then i felt worse later. things like that usually happen to me. i'm excited..........over spring break i started reading a book, that was not "Medical Surgical Nursing" or anything related to it. and today I went and bought a couple of John Grisham books. I used to love to read and I miss it. now it's like, books are too heavy and boring i don't want to bother. and that is partially due to school and the countless 50 pound books that i have to lug all over creation. another thing to thank MCC for, my bad back. i'll be sending them the bill for my scoliosis thank you very much! ER tomorrow. i'm nervous but excited at the same time. nervous b/c of the possibilities that could happen and what if they ask me something i don't know and i look like a dumbass, but excited for the same reason that anything is possible and i'm hoping to see something exciting. not that i'm wishing accidents on people.......but maybe a gunshot wound or something. KIDDING....... ok i've been feeling a little unsettled recently. my friend kortney has always wanted to be a nurse and i've given her helpful hints along the way and she hasn't been really serious about school but is at the same time. well now she's changed her mind and says she wants to either be a PA or an ultrasound tech, which are two totally different things, and she's kinda going into it thinking she won't have to work weekends and she won't have to be on call. and i can't decide if it would be bitchy of me to tell her she needs to grow up and realize that anything in the medical field you are going to have to be on call at times and work weekends. and as much as i don't see her being serious about anything and this is just another thing that she's saying, i feel kinda funny. god i sound like a total bitch. and this is part of what i was saying before about how i have all of these expectations and i need to stop b/c maybe she can't be an RN, but i want to really badly tell her all of the stuff that she's not thinking about in regard to her new career plan. and while on one hand i'm really happy to see her getting excited about something, on the other one she's going into it so naive and i want to help so badly, but i don't want to come off as a bitch. and maybe she needs to learn some things the hard way. thinking back on it, when i first started going to school i was all pumped about the money and that i could do 9-5 at a dr. office. and somewhere along the way i began to love it and you couldn't pay me enough to work in a dr. office b/c it is too boring. and while everyone needs to figure that out for themselves what they want to be and such, i wish that i could say or do something to help her become more focused and driven and to do it. but I can't and i'm having a hard time with it. i want to be a good friend, but i don't want to push her into something she's not ready for. so most of the time i just ignore the subject. i'm a horrible friend.

(1 love | give me some lovin) at long last....I'm back [15 Mar 2004|04:59pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | Good Day-Luce ] ok a few things to start off with. to my brother, RELAX! the genius that i come up with here sometimes takes a little time so that's why i havent' written recently. also, i've been crazy busy. secondly, I got a 90 on my test today. WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited. Maybe i'm not such a dumbass after all! So now, I have one exam and a final left in this course and the hardest ones are over. Thank goodness. So last week was the big switchover to thursday friday clinicals. I didn't have a huge problem, but I think the hoovering act is going to get really old, really fast. The instructor doesn't know me, so she hoovers and second guesses everything i do and i want to smack her. But oh-well. Last week i probably had the most disturbing experience in clinical i've had thusfar. My patient had to have her leg amputated and I went to surgery and watched it. Now I won't go into detail, b/c thinking about it still makes me want to puke. But I have never seen anyone in so much pain in my life. And I have never wanted to cry for a patient so badly. I just didn't know what to do. I gave her pain meds and tried to teach her to do relaxation breathing, but it just was so painful for her. Now that is real pain let me tell you. It was a hard week last week not only b/c of that patient, and of course i felt for her. But I also had to work doubles on thursday and friday. I had to work 2nd shift at my job and then of course 1st at the hospital. I tell you what, I've never had such feelings of pain in my feet before. And of course i was feeling the love for my feet b/c after seeing what i saw I could never imagine having one amputated. Shudder I love my new exploder. I ride really high up there and I'm all "outta my way, i'm bigger than you!" however i have been driving slower b/c it doesn't have the pickup that my camry did. so that's a good thing. i still haven't sold the camry. poor baby. i am not really trying really hard right now though. it's sitting in my apartment parking lot where nobody can see it. Hum, I wonder why I haven't had any calls on it! hehe today in class we learned about what happens to your body if you don't get enough sleep. you get irritable, you are always tired, you are sick more often. so essentially that's me. but they didn't offer any helpful hints for how to get enough sleep.........too bad I can't learn circadian meditation and get the benefits of sleep in half the time. lol shout out to Lena, I MISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! I think this is going to be a good week. It started off on a good note b/c I had sunday off to study, and then i got a brand new alias which was very good by the way, and then I woke up this morning at 6:30 and told myself that it was going to be a good day. And then I did well on my test. I go into the ER this week. I'm really excited about that. And I will be keeping my eyes open for a handsome young dr. ross for myself. I haven't seen my mom and dad for a week. It was their 27th wedding anniversary the other day and I was talking to my dad about how can he possibly be happy. And I realized that I am too judgemental. Just because I wouldn't be happy with that life doesn't mean that he can't be. And I set really high standards for myself and I think that I impose them on the other people in my life. And while they are just fine for me, they may not be for my friends or family. And I just really don't want to make anybody I love feel like they are inferior or anything b/c I really don't think that. It's actually been bothering me b/c I have let myself become so cynical and critical that I'm having a rough time being happy. So now I'm going to try to stop having these cynical thoughts and just enjoy life. It's too short to always be unhappy. And now I'm going to go against everything my teacher told me today and take a nap, b/c I'm exhausted only because in the last 5 days i've done nothing but work and study.

(2 loves | give me some lovin) xanax for everyone [29 Feb 2004|11:47pm] [ mood | relieved ] [ music | Forever-Uncle Jesse (full house) ] first off, i'd like to start by saying, I'M FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 11 days off from the crazy old people. actually technically since i only work 3 days a week i only have two days off, but i don't ahve to go back for 11 days so i'm happy. and since I was so anxious to leave tonight, they all decided to be crazy. yes even more so than usual. everybody had to have milk of mag and poop. everybody was going nuts and trying to stab me with their insulin needles, and one guy had a state trooper waiting for me. yeah i need a break. secondly, are girl scout cookies illegal? i eat them late at night hoarding them like they are something i bought off the street or something. my drug of choice is cookies. sadness. at least i'm using my treadmill so it's evening out kinda. thirdly i have tools now. hehe. my dad bought me a little toolbox and loaded it up for me. he was all excited showing me what was what today. and of course i was like, "ooh they have blue handles! to match my blue kitchen" but dad was all, that's nice but look at this cool hammer! it was funny. fourthly........screw it, i'm not numbering my thoughts tonight. it might take too long. heh whatever. i have somebody that kinda wants to buy my car, but hasn't told me for sure yes or no yet. and i kinda feel guilty driving it to chicago tomorrow, but then since they haven't said yes or given me money for it i guess i don't need to feel guilty b/c it's still my car. as long as i don't drive in the ghetto down there. i need to stay off the street...........b/c i don't think they sell tagalongs on the street in chicago. it would be cool if they did though. heh i got a perm a couple of weeks ago. and ever since then people feel the need to come up to me and start touching my hair. first it was my grandma, which isn't too unusual for her, but whatever. then people at work, then my aunt. i'm all LEAVE MY DAMN CURLY HAIR ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jeez alright i ran out of thoughts. see it didn't take long. now i must go treadmill, buy a plane ticket, and eat some thin mints. one more thought. i miss alias. like the real gut-wrenching cliffhangers of seasons one and two. i hear that it's supposed to get better in april. well hurry up and get here april. we've been waiting a long time. also, recently i've rediscovered my love for full house. interesting the things you do when you are on spring break

(give me some lovin) [23 Feb 2004|12:43pm] [ mood | cranky ] well it's been about a week since i had my meltdown. and since then i've had a few more. the abbreviated version is basically that mcc screwed me again and now my whole life has to change. and what is the reason? i am young. that is all. i came to school right out of high school instead of living in a trailor having 6 kids and working at burger king for 3 years..............what the hell was i thinking? now i have to move my clinical day to thursday friday. the people aren't friendly, the instructor is going to drive me nuts, and i think that i may need to be checked into northwood after this is all said and done. pass or fail northwood here i come.

(1 love | give me some lovin) confessions of an MCC drama queen [16 Feb 2004|05:32pm] [ mood | drained ] [ music | Melrose Place Theme Song ] as a friend, you usually have several prepared speeches when someone comes to you with a problem. there is the "he's not good enough for you anyway" speech, the "if he can't see how wonderful you are it's his loss" one, the "don't worry someone is out there for you and it's worth the wait" and of course can't forget "you don't need him anyway." Now I realize that I am totally being a drama queen about this email from Jason and when my friend read it she said that it sounded like he was just replying to me as a friend letting me know what was up with him. I know this deep down, but after an incredibly shitty V-day, that was the last thing I wanted to hear. So I react emotionally. now back to the aforementioned speeches, I heard just about all of them this weekend. and i only told two people about it. well, i guess i could have told anyone who bothered to read this journal, but the two people that i talked to about it gave me both of those speeches. and you know who gave me the best response? Sarah. Hardy, I love you. All she said was, 'I'm sorry hon" and she allowed me to talk. And of course at that point I didn't feel like it, but I know she would have listened to me. But from the other people I got "advice" if you want to call it that, and pep talks. And it's like..........as a good friend of mine, which both of these are, they should know when I need to just vent and get it out of my system, and when I need that little pep talk. Why can't my friends see that? I don't want you to explain that it took a long time, but your boyfriend came around and so maybe Jason will too. I don't want you to tell me to write him back and tell him I'm seeing someone just to get a reaction. I want someone to LISTEN. I am a bit of a drama queen, I can be depressed at times, who isn't? I am uptight and anal about things, and I'm passionate about the things/people that I love. And no, contrary to popular belief I'm not bipolar..........just a normal, emotional person. I understand these things about myself. Maybe other people don't, whatever. I just wish that someone could understand me enough to know when i want to talk, when i want to be alone, when i am in a good mood and want to go have fun. I don't think I'm t hat hard to figure out. And I don't want a pity party for myself........i'm really not trying to convey that either. I just wanted someone to hear me when I maybe didn't even have to say anything at all. So if i am this picky with my friends, no wonder it's taking a long time to find the guy that will put up with me being neurotic eh? And I think I might even write Jason back and say congratulations. Considering we haven't talked in two years it's not like I was so in love with him or anything, but I always did kinda wonder. So see, i had some time to get over it, vent my frusterations, kinda, and now i can be rational and say ok good for you have a happy life. Am I that hard to get?

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