~*PRE-SHOW ur requisite 2 a celibate PUNKERSLUT*~

11:33pm: Im such a mess. Such a mess..I cant tell if whats going on here is real or just a nightmare ive conjured up into reality and im never goign to wake up. Seans done. Sean and I...Ive realized Im not worth fighting for and i cant be the only one fighting. He's just proven time and time again that neither I nor our 1.5 children matter to him. We're a fleeting moment, a drag in his ride of fun. All we do is bring him down and thats all he sees when he looks at us. How can you look at my beautiful baby boy and not just adore him? How can you hear him say "dada" and not want to hold onto him until he says "dad I gotta go, cant graduate college with you stapled to my hip? How can you feel your daughter move inside your wife, hear her heartbeat without a sonogram and not want more than anything to be there when she's born?!!? How HOW HOW...if not for me...for them? My stomach is ripping itself apart begging, pleading for some kind of answer some kind of release. I NEED TO LET GO

1:32pm: So basically in retrospect I should've just bit the big one and stopped the whirl wind I was getting myself into. How do you sit there and say you wish everything was different when if everything was different you know there'd be nothing worth living for? How do you sit there and silently beg for a different life when this is the only life worth fighting for...everything else is so mundane, so unequivocally pointless you'd end up dead just to have somthing meaningful happen,

Where did this life go down such a wreckless path? How did it happen? My mind says plead out ...such an immature meandering of thoughts, my heart says "HOW DARE YOU ASK FOR SUCH A GOD AWFUL ROAD OF PAIN!?!?!" Doesnt it matter that you went one way because there is NO BEACAUSE there just is what is and what is ..is beautiful. In all its merciless tears it is BEAUTIFUL.

11:45am: ITS HALLOWEEN! TRICK OR TREAT

1:24pm: HAPPY ANNIVERSARY
So, basically today is the day I share my second anniversary with my "faithful" husband. Well, we're not really celebrating today, we're going to a B&B in Port Washington tomorrow until Sunday. At some point we'll make our way to time square and we'll seem like we're in love and we'll seem like we cant live without one another and maybe we'll even have a sparkle in eachothers eye. The sad fact is, if it lasts all weekend I'll be considered lucky.

Its like this, the entire introduction to my relationship with Sean was a huge fabrication. I cant even say I miss when he fell in love with me, because the effed up fact is I dont even know if he ever really did. He played the part of doting boyfriend very well. Hmm, maybe not "doting" but definetly sincere. So my entire previous entry was a giant crock of monkey dooks! How can I say I miss him when Im not even sure if he existed..Sure it existed in my head because I played into every word ever dropped from his lips, and obviously since I didnt realize how artificial his feelings had been until after our son was born, I made a decision to grin and

BARE It

. So what does our anniversary mean to me? I have no idea...like Im a foolish person, I love him...soo much, thus I am a fool

2:46pm: DID YOU KNOW I MISS YOU
Needless to say, I cant stop thinking about what would've happened if I never feel in love with him..maybe instead of theses sad pathetic tears I've learned to hold back, these lonely feelings, I'd be somewhere else..with someone else, perhaps not knowing love would've been best


I cant imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I dont understand all the things you've seen
But Im slipping in between
You and your big dreams
its always you in my big dreams


And you tell me
Waking up in a patch of four leaf clovers

A N D Y O U R E R E S T L E S S
A N D I A M N A K E D

You've gotta get out you
You cant stand to see me shaking
No, could you let me go?


I DIDNT THINK SO!!


And you don't wanna be here in the future,
So you say the present's just a pleasant Interruption to the past

And you don't wanna look much closer Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope

You had sent into the sky, by now, had, crashed
And it did because of me

And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone,
oh And I'm sleeping in your living room But we don't have much room to live


And I had dreams, In them I learned to play guitar

Maybe cross the country, become a rock star

And there was hope in me that I could take you there

But damn it, you're so young

Well I don't think I care

And if I hurt you, then I'm sorry

Please don't think that this was easy,br>

8:12pm: Okay, so Im in NY. Its been insane, crazy, unthinkably out of control...to say the least. Im terrified we're not going to make it. We have to because of the babies, but still the thought ravages my mind like a friggin beast. Right now Im at the library for the 100th time because our printer isnt hooked up and I need to get 1000 copies of my resume printed up so I can find a job. I could always go work for Friendlys but Im going to be needing more funds than what Friendlys can offer me. Plus, I dont feel like bumping into every person I have been trying to avoid since I left NY the first time. Speaking dodging, I got in touch with this kid I use to be really good friends with. Things seem to be going great for him which Im thrilled about. Everyone deserves a momentary solace from the B.S. So many things going through my head. Did we make the right choice coming here, of course we couldnt stay in the hell we were staying at in NH. My son couldnt deal with the chaos for much longer, he's so young and impressionable and it literally hurt my heart to know he had to witness half the things he saw. Im only greatful that he's so young his first memory cant possibly have been formed yet. I miss a lot of people back in NH. Not that I didnt think I WOULDNT miss them, just didnt realize how much I would miss them. Anyway...perhaps if I wasnt pregnant I'd hop in a hot tub...perhaps.

12:19am: I know its weird..moving to NY in a couple of days, and I am terrified. I know i should be thrilled, the only problem is I dont really know what Im getting myself into. I just wish things could go back to the way they were when we were in GA. Im a mom for christ sakes...and so far every decision I've made has been the worst one for my son.
by the way...i know you werent flirting last weekend...or whatever...dont let what amanda says get to you...

5:31am: So its like the crack of dawn..or it hasnt quite reached "dawn" yet and for some reason or another I am WIDE AWAKE. I blame the pregnancy thing. And since the only thing on tv is the oreilly factor and i have no friends to email and Sean is sleeping I guess I'll ramble for a minute...or less. My over active A.D.D may pull me in the direction of the bed at some point. Plus I cant stand the sound of a clicking keyboard especially when its like the only sound reverberating(sp?) through the room. and as much as i'd like seans company i'd rather not piss him off by waking him up at 530am.

I Think i hate maplestory...

I think the major down fall to being a girl is NOT thinking too much but that i could choose to not think at all, i just opt for complications

10:14pm: I never Earned the Truth
The question: does it matter?
The answer: does it matter? . . .

I keep ringing through my mind the same pointless argument. What if it happened? What would I do about it? What COULD I do about it? is it just the truth Im looking for that single one solitary instant of release. All this time is it womans intuition or is it just being mangled with insecurity. All this time has gone by and still I wonder. Countless nights I lie awake wondering if I was ever right...

3:04pm: . . . OFF TO WORK LOVES

7:31pm: Him : Whats wrong baby?
Me : I dont want you to work again tonight
Him : Baby, we need the money. I thought you'd be happy I got another job...
Me : I am, just...I feel like we're so far apart now, you're always working...
Him : ...and you're always working
Me : NO! NO! NO! (crying) I WANT YOU HOME, WITH ME, WATCHING THE MOVIES WE ALWAYS RENT I'M SICK OF NEVER SEEING THE END BECAUSE WE'RE TOO TIRED TO STAY AWAKE! I want to see a happy ending
Him : Thats what Im here for, that's what Im always here for, I swear to God you'll have the happiest of endings, and everyone will be so jealous but wont be able to tare their eyes from the screen...I love you.



How could I stay mad at him?

11:07am: I love morning Sex!

3:23pm:

Everyone has their own way to start their day

6:21pm: Why do we feel
In all of our glory
The need to make eachother cry?
To hurt
To scar
To break
To Burn
And the mothers will scream
I did everything I could
And the daughters will feel ashamed
As the fathers just drink their solutions

And the prom queens a cutter
The goth goes to church
And everyone prominades the lover
Who never saw it coming
When the walls all caved in
And the promisory was left unsigned

All along
there's a girl sitting home
Waiting to hear from a boy
Who promised forever
Though they all said "you'll never...
"succeed at life in the end"
Across all the phone lines
A distant connection
a gun is put back on a shelf
A girl picks up the receiver
and whispers "hello"
To a boy who swears he'd never leave her
And oh she believes every word he's said

So the mom sets the table
For false apetites
And social distortion
With no rip chords
and flat notes
Just to pass the dinner bells tune
And the mother she smiles
The father is blank
And the daughter holds her baggie for the food
No, everythings perfect
When no one is talking
A melody, the tragedy of life

7:17pm: I tell you, I go running
I'll go running every night
Just to avoid no missed calls from you
And I'll stay out later just to discuss with the moon
All my pathetic unreasonable dreams
Did you tell her, how she once had it all
And she flushed it down the bowl when she became...
She became all those girls, that she said she'd never be
Now she's just a marching ant
One by One
Did you ask for your daughters paper thin
Well dears shove a finger in your throat,
Thats not thin enough, no no no
Paper thin, as thin as toilet paper
And oh how beautiul she'll be
Once she's a wire hanger in your closet
Just in your closet with your skeleton key
See, we'll wait, us foolish girls
For we wait out of spite of denial
Not really in believing in our hopes
We know...
Damn it, we are aware,
We're foolish, Not Fools
How we'll beg for the arms to wrap around us,
Just to hold us, and love us, and pretend
But we'll hold our hearts out for someone unwilling
Someone a little to far off
Someone who wont care
With denials far deeper than ours run
For a need to love someone
Regardless of truth
And we know, oh we know you just love us
Because something better ran off with someone else
We're the girls of lost hope
But we promise to be forgiving
Just hold out your hand
And pretend to be there
And we'll go on living our facade
Yes and we'll say "I LOVE YOU SO MUCH" and we will
And you'll say "I Love You Too" and we'll believe you
Despite reason, despite the feelings
We'll buy into this sad deprication of truth
So how do you like em?
"Skin and bones
We got fat bitches too"
They come in your favorite brand
We can make em paper thin
Or big as a house
Now tell us you pick we'll choose
So go on and love them, cause they've set you aside
As a god amongst men for their side
When you break em
Do it hard and fast
So they know it was their fault Things arent right

10:18am: Im gonna sign off blurty for a while..and pretend to be working..

TTFN

10:46am: Do not Forget me



Ya Tebya Lubliu

11:28am: I need something, any kind of lyrics about the following:

Wanting someone in the worst way possible, but knowing they deserve better.
Wanting to stop being so hard on yourself...



She was such a graceful drunk
Always conscience of sleeping with the wrong man

2:19pm: Its not the ants or bees that are my concern

Its the butterflies that frighten me

9:07am: Hope is a flasehood Wrapped up in sheeps wool
And dignity was never mine to hold
Like you'll never understand or know
I've finally disapparated from my reflection
The final piece to the puzzle
And its all crystal clear
I was never here
And you'll never hear
"I cross my mouth and shut my eyes"
Tune out my internal pathetic cries
And glue your pieces back together
With steady hands, I'll make you all better
Like brand new
And I'll understand when you sad Im the only one
Piece by piece
You'll be just fine
And so many times you'll say
"Please be mine"

Final piece with a dab of glue
"Im the perfect girl for you"
And as I put it into place
I believe the words you had to say
When I know I should be strong
Close my eyes just move along
Because I know
In just seconds
Out the door you'll go
Until someone breaks you again

This is who I am
This is one of those things
And I pretend I dont feel
The depth of each little sting

Prep the smile, Reapply the blush
here come the cameras

5:59pm: Just Call Me Your "Pick Me UP"
I never knew that the bottom of this barrell could go deeper than this ebony I've found myself in. How is it Im always the last to know that I was never the first one on the list. How is it I'm never anything more than a "to-do". I really am that stupid, that much of a fucking waste of time. I never knew it could hurt this much to breathe, hush my gasping breath for the night please. Cant I be priority just once...just this once. So many things Im dying to tell you, so many things Im dying to say, so many reasons I cant feel this, so many reasons Im fading away. Cant someone see me? Cant anyone see me curled up on the floor begging for you to be here, even though I'd never want you to be near.

8:40am: Wow...another strike against myself
Im moving on but not away from him, Im letting go but not of the end. Im moving on from the step of denial and accepting whats going on, Im letting go of "goodbye" and accepting I'll always wait for him. Because he'll slit my wrists and gauge my eyes, but he's always going to wait too. Always going to wait to stitch me back together, bc thats what we do. I'll always want him more and more and hate him from the bottom of my heart. And he'll crave my taste more and more and drive in the stake. We're an odd couple of sorts if we're even a couple at all. But regardless, he's the only one who will listen he's the only one who cares, even if he leaves me waiting alone in dispair. . .

God Im such a girl sometimes

2:05pm: So..hella hella good ...(yea i know..I hate the word "hella" as well) ...me and Amy (dude..new coolest chick ever) have come up with the greatest pick me up....PROCRASTINATION lol....no no, not the traditional slackage you know. We're talking "Let me quote an outrageous drunk ' PROCRASTINATION, is like MASTURBATION
In the end you're only fucking yourself

GOOD EFFING TIMES lol... We know how to make emo lyrics RAWK like a hurricane man lol

7:43pm: Okay, so you realized I was gone, and you realized I was over it....


so now you're trying to reel me back in


Our own movie ending


Playing out in front of me, and Im scared to see the end

10:16am: Something must be wrong with me...because I cant seem to let you go