I have no idea how it went from zero to 60, but it did. Somehow we went from pleasant, loving conversation to fighting and arguing. I was getting angry, telling her I was getting angry (in a stupid effort to let her know how I was feeling) and she responded with, "That's good. GET angry, motherfucker."

That was the straw, baby. I said, "Good night, that's it." and hung up the phone and turned it off.

I don't care HOW angry I get at her, I would NEVER EVER say, "Fuck you!" (she's said that to me 3 times). I would NEVER EVER even use the word 'motherfucker' in anger toward her. Nor would I call her a bitch in the middle of an argument just for the sake of insulting her. Really, is that something you'd say to the one you loved? Under any circumstance?

I can't do any more. I can't. I've tried. I've been so frigging patient it's unreal at times. And still for her to turn on me like this...it's too much for me to take. I am through.

Fuck it. It's one of the leading causes of stress in my life, anyway. Perhaps it's been a horse with a broken leg for far too long already.

just...fuck it.

Right, the weekend is officially over and so is my stay here. I don't plan on deleting the journal here but I don't plan on adding anything to it, either.

If you didn't copy my new location down by now and you actually want to know where I'm journaling nowadays then leave me your e-mail address here and I'll e-mail you. Otherwise, I'll be reading friends journals and commenting now and then, I'm sure.

Hasta lasagna.

OK, I've made up my mind and the migration is on. I'm moving over to LJ exclusively. Blurty is just hiccuping far too much for my tastes the last several months and I'm happier with LJ's features, anyway.

Those of you interested in keeping tabs on me should take a look at the icon in this post and you'll see my LJ user name. In 48 hours, I'm changing the icon, so take note now. I just know that all my millions of fans will be dying to know where I am. *cough*

UPDATE: If you don't see the icon with my user name on it, then leave a comment here with your e-mail address and I'll let you know that way.

So I feel like I've spread myself a bit thin in the blogging world. Not lately, of course, because I only just recently started journaling again...but overall, when I AM journaling, maintaining blogs on multiple sites is a bit taxing. Even though Blurty was my first blogging home (well, technically my old website was my first blogging home...though it was before anyone "invented" blogging. i always have been ahead of my time) I think I may close up shop here and stick with LJ exclusively. As it is, I'm only copying entries between the two places, anyway.

I have to mull it over. But I wanted to let ya'll know.

(Ya'll - wow, I really have been in the south too long.)

Soooooo. OK then.

I really don't feel like writing anything but I'll give it a shot and see how it goes.

I'm feeling a might down, as I said in my previous epic post. It's about nothing, really, and it's about everything. Silly, perhaps, but it feels quite true. I know that part of this is my damned body chemistry - maybe a good part of it. But circumstances also could be cheerier for sure.

I'm jittery, anxious, nervous, annoyed at the slightest trifling things, stressed, and my brain is racing about a gajillion miles per hour. ADD sucks. What is especially bothersome about it right now is that I can't even read anything at length. I can compensate for my distractability most of the time - I've learned how to over my decades on the planet (and for most of those years I didn't even know I had ADD). But right now it's really out of hand. I'm reading sentences five times in a row and they're still not sinking in. I love reading the newspaper every morning with my coffee. The last week or so I can't really do that. Scanning headlines is one thing and I can struggle through an article I may really be interested in, but it's mostly not worth it. So I pretty much skip to the funny pages, which is sad because most of the funnies aren't all that funny these days.

Weird. I used to laugh like crazy at "Hi and Lois" and "Hagar the Horrible" and "Snuffy Smith" and "Family Circus." Course, I was nine years old then. Now it's just rather...well, not funny. The stuff I really loved as an adult is gone now - "The Far Side," "Calvin and Hobbes," and "Bloom County." Sure, "Opus" is back once a week now, but it's really just a shadow of the greatness that Breathed used to do on a daily basis. These days I'm pretty much stuck with "Dilbert" and "Mother Goose and Grimm" and "Foxtrot." Oh, and "Non Sequitir." All the other stuff? Not so much.

But I digress, which really is the essence of ADD, yeah?

It may not help that I also quit smoking a week ago. I mean, yeah, it HELPS a great deal, but as far as the above symptoms it's probably not doing much to improve them. My mother and I both quit last Friday...went to a hypnotist and I actually liked it. Helped me a lot, even though I've quit twice before cold turkey. And that's pretty much what I've done this time - just with a little assist. It's been a year since my stepfather died of lung cancer and so I felt it was time to quit. Course, it was time to quit before I started, but hey... Last year was a rough one for Mom and so I know quitting was really impossible for her. But now...well, a year seemed like a good time. Thing is, she's been smoking since she was 14, which is...a long time ago. I've been smoking for maybe 10 or 11 years. (Subtract three when I quit twice during that time.) So she's really on a reduction plan for a bit, cutting down. Me, I'm done.

We aired out the house as best we could (it still reeks, though) and Febreezed the shit out of everything. Got rid of all the ashtrays, etc. Now she's smoking around 5 or 6 cigs a day, but isn't allowed to smoke in the house. She's relegated to the garage or outside. I also completely cleaned out my car and Febreezed that, too. Smells nice in there. The car was one of my big smoking connections so I had to take care of that.

All in all, it's been tough but I'm smoke free. The first few days are generally the hardest, though I've found it's the second week that's hardest of all in the past. Honestly, I was really weak on the third day and saw that Mom's smokes were in the garage so I went out for a cig and nearly gagged after two puffs. Absolutely disgusting. I broke it in half and tossed it. Then I brushed my teeth and gargled with Listerine to get that awful taste out of my mouth. So I know that I'm doing well from a quitting standpoint. It's just that I'm already anxious enough and the withdrawals (physical/mental/whatever) are just adding to it.

I'm broker than shit right now, thanks to overspending for Christmas last month. Though I do have about $70 in winnings in my online poker account. I started with $20 and have been getting quite a bit better the last several months. Now I guess I come out in the money 60% of the time. Still playing cheap stuff, though...nothing more expensive than $5 tournaments. I don't have the balls yet to enter anything like a $20 or $50 tourney. That's too much money in one shot.

I'm still not working and I'm really down about that. I mean, what the flip am I doing with my life? This depression sucks, yes, but millions of people are surely depressed yet working. Why can't I? I feel my entire life has been a waste...IS a waste. Living day to day isn't living...it's existing, and I'm tired of it. I can't seem to get motivated about much of anything and would rather stay home all the time and sleep. Checking the mail seems to be my only trip outside the last four or five days.

I'm on some new meds (one of them started just yesterday) so I'm hoping they do some good. Soon.

And I really, really want to read.

See? It's about everything. And nothing.

Happy New Year.

See?

I'm alive.

Depressed, but alive.

Thanks to Liana for the Beatles CD and Syrene for the birthday CD, btw. I actually got them. Very cool, both of them.

We now return to regularly scheduled anhedonia.

I'm off to Dallas in the morning and I doubt I'll have time to do much updating while I'm gone. Ten days. Can't wait. It's tapping me out financially but I know it's worth it. I'm also really glad that my bud is as big a geek as I am so that I could purchase their wedding gift at the online Bed, Bath, & Beyond wedding registry site. I always appreciate not having to go to stores of any kind, but especially big stores with lots of high thread-count sheets, scented candles, Egyptian cotton towels in 100's of colors, and kitchen utensils. I'd rather slide down a razorblade banister and into a pool of alcohol, thank you very much. (Sorry, forgot to warn you about the fun visual.)

I'll be hanging out once or twice with my ex-girlfriend - who, truth be told, I will probably always have some residual feelings for - lunch, dinner...whatever. We're still good friends, it's just never gonna happen with us because we grew apart spiritually. We dated off and on for nearly 5 years, though, so part of me will always love her. Some guy out there is gonna be incredibly lucky when he marries her one of these days, let me tell you.

That's about it for now...I've got a shitload of packing yet to do.

Hope everyone can live without me for a while. *cough*

Poker Update

Yesterday I played another $1 tournament and came in 16th place out of 700 people! Another $5 to my enormous stack of winnings. Course, just now I came in 89th out of 400 but hey - baby steps.

Three days until Dallas. Just talked to my bud on the phone yesterday (the one who's getting married) and he seems incredibly calm for a man about to kneel upon the altar. Course, he is marrying a major hottie so what is there to be nervous about? I told him about the Best Man Responsibilities lists I've seen on the Net and he laughed and said that I probably didn't have to worry about most of that stuff. Told him that NanoGirl said I might have to take him to a strip club before the Big Day and that I'd replied I would take him if he wanted but I couldn't see that happening. He said I was right.

"First of all, you'd have to drug me..."

Yup, me too. It's not like I haven't been to more than a handful of those places - don't get me wrong - but it's been a long while. I've since (yikes!) matured some and realized that I can get sexually frustrated all by myself for far less money. And do something about it.

I asked him if he wanted to do more like an in-house guy's night and play poker like we used to on occasion. Sit around the table, playing all sorts of wacky games (dealer calls the game), bullshit, drink beer and eat chips. He likes the idea, so I told him to start sending out e-mail invites to folks. Even though he hasn't had much luck getting guys together for poker lately, I said he should put in the e-mail that this'll be his "last big hurrah" and perhaps he'd have better luck. I'll send out some e-mails, too, at least to the few folks I know.

( I remember when I got married )

I'm pretty stoked. Yesterday I played a $1 poker tournament with 1,287 other players and after 2-1/2 hours I came in 60th place. Not only is that the highest I've placed so far but it's the first time I won any money. Granted, it was only $3 but hey - that's a 3 to 1 return on my (cough) investment!

Look out Chris Moneymaker. Be afraid Phil Hellmuth. I'm coming for you. Soon the entire world will know the name King Flibbidyjibbit PenBoy.

All right, maybe I need to work on the name a little bit.

( A Novel Idea )

Not much to report today. Went grocery shopping. Oh boy do I hate grocery shopping. Mobs of people slowly traipsing through the aisles, rudely oblivious to everyone around them, taking up the middle of the aisle with their shopping carts as if no one wants to get by them while they peruse the variety of different olive oil brands at a glacierly pace. And the mile long check-out lines...ugh. I'd rather rip a thousand bandaids slowly off my arms and legs.

However, I did do one worthy thing today. I saw in the newspaper that Monday is the last day to register to vote for next month's election. I'm already registered but I knew that Mom wasn't. For once, I was actually less procrastinative than someone else... I told her they had a booth at the mall and that we had better go and she said "Oh, yeah...definitely." So we went and now she's all set to vote. And I got a demonstration of the nifty new touch screen voting machines. Probably won't use it since they're mostly sticking to paper ballots in this county...but you CAN use the touch screen if you want to. Right now, they have it set up mostly for people with "disabilities," though I don't know what kind of disabilities.

And Sunday at 1pm eastern I'm playing in the poker tournament. The prize - as it turns out - is a trip to the Caribbean. That's it. No $$. I guess you go down there to play in a "real" tournament. Not sure on all the details, other than you win a trip to the Caribbean. That'd be nice. Course, with my record lately, there'd probably be a hurricane. So wish me luck. I'll need it. Last I knew there were over 1,700 players.

Seems so many of my entries lately are regarding hurricanes and - guess what? - so's this one. I'm so sick of hurricane talk, though, that I'm just stripping it down to the basics.

Jeanne hit us harder than all the other ones, hands down. Came the closest, too. Three of the last 4 hurricanes came within 20 miles of me, Jeanne went RIGHT OVER US. Between 3 and 4 am I counted - yes, I really counted - our power go off and on 40 times. Up until around the 15th time, I thought we just might make it without losing power. After that, every time it came back on I thought it was a miracle. #40 was the charm, though...it was out for good with that one. We lost power for 3 days. Ugh.

Between around 4-5am, it sounded like people were doing a tap dance on the roof. Scary shit. Turns out that was shingles being ripped off by the fistfuls. They were all over the yard the next morning. And we'd just had the roof fixed from Charley 4 days before. Fortunately, lost shingles was about the extent of the damage. We lost a bit of food, too...but that's expected.

Lot more damage done to the town this time, and to many surrounding areas, too. Just got back from Boca (NanoGirl had lost her power, too) and there are quarter mile sections of roadway where power poles are just toppled over in a row, many of them snapped in two...power lines down, insulators laying on the roadside... Mobile homes submerged under new "lakes" - major mess. A friend in town had their dining room ceiling crash down onto their floor. Another friend had a tree go through their roof. Another had their roof ripped off the house. Just bad, bad shit.

And I'm sick of it.

Power coming back on was again a miracle. We got phones back the following day. NanoGirl got her power back about 7 hours after I did. OK, that's all I'm saying about Jeanne.

#4. This will be 4 hurricanes in just over 4 weeks. Unfrigginbelievable. Did you know that the last time one state got hit by a hurricane 4 times in one season was Texas in 1886? Yeah. There's a record I care not to match, let alone break. And hurricane season isn't over until November 30th! Jeanne was just flipping round and round in a circular path in the Atlantic...why'd she have to decide to head west?

Mom was supposed to go to Boca today to celebrate my niece's birthday but that trip was canceled. Jeanne is supposed to hit land around 8pm'ish...might get this way within a few hours of that. Depends on how fast she's moving by then. Right now, she's only doing about 12mph. We're so used to this by now that we had all the preparations done within 20 minutes. Flashlights, check. Plants inside, check. Trash cans inside, check. Lamps, check. Sanity...well, let's just put that on hold for the moment.

I'm supposed to go to Boca on Tuesday since I have a doctor appt. Wednesday morning. We'll see how the storm plays out.

Poker...OK, so I'm hooked. I'm mediocre at best but I love it. I've been playing free tournaments online and watching a ton of Texas Hold'em on TV. Out of 2,000 players in a free tourney, I made it to 90th place before getting knocked out. The top 100 get a seat in a REAL tournament next weekend, so I can now compete for real money. I don't think I have a shot, but hey...miracles happen. Even if I won $5, that'd make my week. Don't know what the stakes are yet, but I don't have to pay anything to play so it's hard to bitch. Practice, practice, practice...got me lots to learn. I'd LOVE to play live and in person, but there's no way I can afford it.

Need to come up with some good poker nicknames for myself...y'know, for when I'm good enough to hit the road. ha. Any ideas?

Anyone? Anyone?

Long overdue, I know. But Saturday was my birthday and I'm now 30 for the 8th time. The math ain't too complicated, even if you've missed your caffeine today.

( Thursday I went to Boca )

All in all I had a great birthday...since I don't usually celebrate my birthday or care about it for that matter, it was pretty cool. I now have a strange aversion to toaster ovens, though.

PS: Smallville last night? Awesome.

Thankfully, it's looking more and more like Ivan won't hit me. Hope it keeps steering westward...no offense to all you folks in MS, LA, TX, and Florida's panhandle, but I just can't take a 3rd hurricane. It's my birthday this weekend and I want it to go away. So...go away.

I also wouldn't mind some of this stuff, just in case you're feeling generous.

I was supposed to drive to Boca this weekend, but that's not happening. Wanted to see NanoGirl...plus we have a writers meeting scheduled, but there's just too much devastation in the county right now. As far as I know, there's still 1 out of us 4 in the group without power. Think I'll just wait till next weekend for my birthday. By then, they should have lots of things restored (I hope).

*sigh*

Now for Ivan. Shall we go for the hat trick? The most current storm track places Ivan on Florida's west coast...just like Charley. So even if Palm Beach county wasn't trashed, I wouldn't go to Boca this weekend. If a hurricane is hitting yet again, it's best that I'm home. Don't think Mom's nerves could take being alone. Looks like Sunday or Monday it'll be in the vicinity. I'm praying it steers WAAAAAAAY wide of land.

Had a headache most of today...it's mostly gone, but still lingering. Rather annoying, these things. Pretty much stayed in bed off and on most of the day.

I find that I seem to have a sudden love for poker. Guess it started with all the poker shows on TV, but I've played a few times before that craze began. When I lived in Dallas, a few friends would get together once in a while and play...penny ante stuff. Now I'm getting really hooked. I used to think that watching poker was akin to watching golf...boooooooring. Now - well, golf is still boring (some things don't change) - poker not so much.

Speaking of Dallas, I booked my flight today. I'll be there for 10 days next month for my best bud's wedding. I'm the best man. I need to get measurements taken for my tuxedo, so the next time I'm in Boca I'll go to a tux shop and have them run their hands all over me. Hey, that's the way they measure pants!

OK, off to bed I go.

Well, the worst is over for us. We lost power for just a second about an hour ago, but it came right back up. I don't know how we were so blessed, but I'm not bitching. It's still pretty windy and rainy...getting that from the tail end of the storm, but I'm not worried any more. More than 4 million people in Florida are without power and Frances still hasn't left the state.

Just got off the phone with NanoGirl and she's pretty frazzled. Still no power and tempers are flaring in her house. She kinda went off on her dad and he hasn't come out of his room since...hours and hours. Now she feels awful about it. Long story, but I told her not to get too down on herself. Being without power and air conditioning will really get people's moods out of whack. She can have a bit of a temper even under the coolest of weather, so...hopefully, she'll just mend the fence with her dad in the morning. When you don't have power, sunlight has a way of elevating moods. Till it gets too high in the sky, anyway...then it's just friggin' hotter than hell. Still, when we didn't have power, I preferred the daylight - you can read and...well, read.

Mom has been going crazy with jigsaw puzzles the last couple of weeks. She's finished 2 and is about to finish a 3rd...1,000 pieces these things. I don't think I have that sort of patience or attention span. I may try one, though. We'll see. Maybe a 25 piece puzzle would suit me.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I'm OK. More than OK...I have POWER! Thank you, Lord.

Well, the eye of the hurricane is about 40 miles away from me now. Still have power, obviously, but it sure is gusting out there. Looks like it's gonna pass right over us. Ugh.

Nanogirl is in Boca and she lost power yesterday around 10am. Last I spoke to her (last night) she was doing well...phones still working at last check. Lot of people without power in Florida right now and I expect to be one of them soon.

At least Frances is moving along at a steady clip now. 8mph. Well, that's a clip compared to 5mph. The faster this sucker gets out of here, the better.


Then there's Ivan. *sigh*

C'mon, three hurricanes in a row? Can nature be that cruel.

OK, don't answer that.

So Frances has slowed down considerably...forward speed, I mean. It's weakened a little, too...winds currently at 105mph (as opposed to 140mph) - I'll take what I can get.

The bad news is that the brand new track prediction places the storm's path at the north end of my county. That can change, of course, and it likely will a few more times before Frances hits land. But I really wish the damned thing would spin off into the ocean in the other direction. OK, I'm fantasizing but this is my journal so I'm allowed.

We're as ready as we can be. Plenty of ice made. Trash cans and plants and other outside items are inside the garage. Food is cooked and ready to eat. Now it's just the waiting game.

They placed a mandatory curfew in my county beginning at 6am Saturday. Gonna be some dead roads out there. I think that's a tad premature, but we'll see. They expect winds to really pick up around then.

That's about it for now. Friggin' Stargate and Stargate Atlantis were repeats tonight, my usual Friday TV fare. All I can say is that Big Brother better not be preempted tomorrow night. And we better have power to watch it, too.

Priorities, don'tcha know?