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i feel sick [24 Dec 2003|09:58am]
[ mood | lazy ]
[ music | motivation - sum 41 ]

wow, i woke up this morning with the worst sore throat. i dont even think i can talk right. haha. im hopeing that it will go away in a few hours. when the rest of my body wakes up. i actually had a dream last night. i can clearly remember it... in it, i gave all of justins stuff back. haha. he didnt seem to happy to see me but i didnt care. i wonder if that is supposed to mean anything. i celebrate christmas today. my grandparents are coming over and we are having a nice dinner. i think i will be making some stuff today. possiably a cake or something. im not sure yet what my mom wants me to make. i hope that it isnt anything too complicated because i tend to mess things up. thats why i took gourmet cooking as an elective this year. maybe it has helped me with my cooking skills. i just relized that i miss being touched by justin. im not talking about only sexually but like everything. the way he held me, all that good stuff. and dont forget everything inbetween... im really lazy this morning. i havent even taken a shower yet. still sitting here in my pajamas as i write this. not having school is a good feeling. i dont feel like i am in a rush. too bad i have to go back after the holidays. january 5th to be exact. i dont think that justin is coming to my new years party like he promised. i dont think that he will be going anywhere. a truck hit his car yesterday. he says that he is alright. he wont talk to me about it though. o well

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my last words [24 Dec 2003|10:42am]
[ mood | silly ]

What will your last words be? by cum_on_bitch
Your LJ username
Your real name
Your sex
Your age
Your last words will be..."this pain it'll go away soon, right?"
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

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hate me not [24 Dec 2003|03:15pm]
[ mood | rejected ]
[ music | blindfolded - saves the day ]

just when i feel that i am doing better, my heart takes another fall. this cut is deep and i dont know if i will be able to heal from it. sometimes i think i want to hate justin. he is the only person who knows how to make me this upset. but i could never hate him. no matter what. does he get pleasure by braking my heart? how many times can something brake? i try my best to act like he doesnt bother me. i try my best to make it each day with out him. but every night, when i go to sleep, he is the last person i think about. i'm still in love with him and i feel like he doesnt even care. is it wrong for me to have these feelings lingering? all that i want to do is see him. i want to speak to him without him making me jealous... without him making me feel like he no longer loves me. i hope his new girls are treating him good. i know i treated him the best. but i guess i wasnt good enough for him. im never good enough for anyone it seems. christams is supposed to be a happy time of year. full of friends, family, and the people that you love. instead i am left alone crying in my room. crying over someone who is no longer there to catch my tears. whats the point? i dont ever want to fall in love again. i dont ever want to be hurt again. im too bitter to love someone. and im not "good enough" to have someone love me back. oh why does this have to be me? i wish i could somehow make him fall in love with me. i wish that justin and i could run away and live happily ever after. just like i thought we would in the beginning. i also thought taht we would one day get married. he said he would take me away from all the chaos of my life when i was 18, and start a happy one. where am i left now? im left with no one to be there for me when i need someone the most. he was always there for me when we were together. now he isnt. i dont know if he even cares how hurt i am. truth is, no one really does care. they might say that they do, but in relatity, most people only care for themselves. i wish the world was a different place. i called him today and we did nothing but argue. i got upset of corse and said things i probally didnt mean to say. its really hard on me. i yell on the phone because i dont want him to see that i get upset over him. but i always do anyway. i cant help it. once you love someone like this, i bet you never stop loving him. so forever i will think about him. and forever i will be reminded of how happy i once was and how miserable i am now. i dont think ill ever be able to have my justin back. he's already moved on.. hes already falling for someone else. and im left again, with no one to comfort me and hold me from these choking tears

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a lonely christmas eve.. [24 Dec 2003|06:55pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | the choke - saves the day ]

walking acrossed town to the local sunoco, my eyes started to blur. i dont know whether or not it was the intensity of each christmas bulb or it was just the tears that engulfed my eyes. i ran out of the house to get a warm vanilla coffee. i needed something in order to calm my nerves. i had a rough day. i tried talking to justin earlier but that only ended ugly. its a shame. i care for him with all my heart. the "shame" part is, i dont know if he even has a clue. this so far has been the down right most lonely christmas eve i have ever had. sure, my moms side of the family was here. my grandparents brought in their gifts while my sister made a cheese platter. it was just like last year. and the year before that for that matter. my mother cooked while my step dad drank a glass of wine (not saying he ever drinks but since it was the holiday, i guess that it was alright) everyone sat down to the table when it was time to eat. of corse we said our prayers. my grandfather lead them just like last year, and the year before that one. i get tired of the same thing over and over again. i wish that something different happened tonight. i know that i sound selfish.. but i was hopeing this year i wouldnt feel this way. i longed for justin to call me. i still long for him to do so. my mother instructed me to place the missel toe above the archway to the kitchen. once again i was caught under it. caught with no one but a fading memory to kiss me. im having a charlie brown christmas -so to speak-. my mom works tomorrow on the actualy holiday. we celebrated tonight. no one will be here tomorrow so i think that i am going away for a bit. maybe my time away will make someone relize how much i would really be missed. that someone of corse is no one but the infamous justin. there isnt any vacancy in my brain. every atom is concentrated upon his being. if only he felt the same way as me. if only he longed for me the way i long for him every seconde of my life. i didnt want much for christmas. i havent been the best girl on santas list. therefore i didnt ask him for anything. i did however ask God to send justin back to me. i know that would be the best christmas present of all.

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