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best friends for life [21 Jan 2004|12:41pm]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | given flight by demons wings - shai hulund ]

..amanda... what can i say about her? amanda and i have been best friends since the 2nd grade. pretty amazing i might say. she is practically the only girl that i can stand hanging around... i stayed home today since i am still sick and luckily she got online in school. its been a while since i talked to her. i told her all about how justin is a fake person and how he lies about everything. about how he at frist tore my heart apart and left it dieing, and now its beating at a steady pace. full of hatred towards him.. sister and i are going to the doctors today. its our yearly check up. maybe they can tell me that im going through a growth spurt and that is why i have been sleeping and eating alot. well, mostly sleeping.

amanda is going to be meeting us at the deptford mall. im so excited and i cant wait to see her. i hope that she can sleep over sometime soon. i still have to tell her about nathan coming to live with us! oh man, i love that boy... alright i have to go and take a shower..

..singing in the shower with my rubber duckie.. oh yea!

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sick, oh so very sick.. [20 Jan 2004|09:37pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | cliche guevera - against me! ]

..wont someone come over and make me feel better?..

..i feel like i am going to die right about now. my heart feels like it could stop any minute and leave my body to fend for itself. im usually the first to complain about how my body feels but this time, i feel like i am seriously going to pass out. its almost as if i have been drinking the past three days and havent had anything to eat. (yes i have stupidly done that before-not a good move on my part) i feel so disattached to the world around me. my sister katie isnt feeling well herself. she was fine earlier but then later threw up..

..besides me being sick, everything is alright. my family seems to be back to normal. my mother is buying katie the patch to help her quit smoking. pretty rediculous, i know. shes thirteen. katie wants to get her life on the right track. that is what she says anyway. i hope her words hold true. if not for my family sake, for hers..
..people are getting on my nerves. they all can be quite lame. the anti flag concert is coming up soon and im still really excited..

..ive been trying to hang out with cody still. he seems like a really cool guy. im not sure if he wants to hang out with me. i dont think that im all that great and i know for a fact taht im not all that great looking. well no worries in that department. its not like we are going to be making out or anything. at least not that i know of..

im going to bed i think soon. my tummy hurts hard-core. im really happy though. my friend brianna is coming over this weekend to come to the "coffee house" at my school. some of my friend bands are playing. then on saturday we are going to my friend ryans house where him and a few other bands are playing in his basement. oh the glory of local punk shows!


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to the looney farm [19 Jan 2004|10:50am]
[ mood | distressed ]
[ music | turn coat - anti flag ]

my sister tried killing herself again last night. after her adventure of running away in the middle of the night with her best friend. i feel horrible for my mother. this is a really difficult situation. as much as it breaks my mothers heart to send my sister to the place where they lock you up, that is where they are heading right now. katie is now on her way towards no freedom. a place where she wont have any privacy what-so-ever. this place is called the physchiatric hospital. whether she is doing this for attention, or whether katie is doing this because she truely wants to die... she needs help. she isnt healthy.i dont expect to see anyone tonight for a very long time. they could be out all day. i have a gut feeling that i wont be seeing my sister for a while. they may want to keep her to see just how crazy she really is. i plan on cleaning the house for a bit. so my mom doesnt have to come home to a messy house. although my cleaning efforts will go unoticed at the time due to the events of the day, i know it wont be unappriciated. i hope that my sister cleans up her act and relizes that her life really isnt all that bad. i can think about 7 peple on the top of my head that have it worse. not by a little... but by a lot.

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all washed out [18 Jan 2004|07:57pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | i miss you - blink 182 ]

what a turn of events. my mother finally caught my sister katie smoking. i guess my step dad must had found a used ciggarette in the bushes and paced it upon her nightstand. well, my mother ordered her to bring her the rest of them which she did. personally, i dont believe that she has any bussiness smoking in the first place. katie of corse is still determined to smoke. thats where the difficulity comes into play. while my mom is downstairs watching to eagles football game with the love of her life, my sister is busy upstairs planning on a trip. a trip that she would never be returning from. shes full of shit. i dont think she understands what "running away" truely means. in another word, katie came downstairs to show me something on both of her wrists. shes become a cutter. by taking my wrist bands that i had on ealier - i left them in the bathroom when i took a shower- she hides each bleeding wound. i do not believe that she would really kill herself. if she wanted to die, she would have cut deeper, and laid in a tub of water. by laying in the bath tub full of water, it makes the blood bleed faster. i know all of this due to a bunch of my friend who have commited suiside. katie shouldnt mess around with this. im about to knock her socks off if she doesnt knock this crap out. katie doesnt understand how much she has to offer to the world. just because she is not allowed to smoke(1. its illegal, 2. my mother hates it when people smoke, 3. its unhealthy, and 4. shes just trying to be like her best friend-and step sister- emily.) doesnt mean that she should run away or try to kill herself. i still dont even understand why i am writing about this. it is a waste of time and space. anyway, i just woke up not too long ago. ive been sleeping alot still. my body still feels tired and i am most likely going to be taking another shower and singing.

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you might want to hold your breath [17 Jan 2004|10:47pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | crow quill - circle takes the square ]

another night has gone by slowly but surely. it is as if time itself has slow down. im beginning to believe that the snow wont stop falling, thus trapping me inside my boreing house. wont someone come save me? well, its a saturday night and i am stuck doing nothing special in particular. watching american wedding with my little sister katie seems to be the highlight of the night. earlier i went to the mall. i was supposed to be getting a new pair of sneakers. my last pair are currently being worn down by my daily walks through town. of corse, i was on a mission hopeing to find a pair of sneakers that tickled my fancy. none did. i eventually ended up on the other side of the cumberland mall.. into victorias secret i ventured. they had a pretty swell sale going on and i picked up three new bras and three new thongs. (girls will be girls) they are quite comfortable and look nice too. im happy. i also got some pink shoe laces for my new sneakers that i should be getting on monday. the reason i didnt get a pair today was due to the fact that i was in the cumberland mall. that mall really sucks. hopefully on monday i will be going to the deptford mall where i know they will have a pair of shoes that i can wear down just as fast. i also picked up another AMP magazine at the local hot topic. it was about 2 dollars and worth my reading. i also got a free sample cd with a bunch of yummy artists. i've been talking to this really awesome guy named cody recently. he instant messaged me one night out of the blue. a little while ago, i joined a fun web site called "make out club". he saw my profile on there and thought i was interesting..or pretty.. or as he likes to say.. "rad". it turns out that we both share alot of common interests. even things that arent so common. i hope that one day him and i will be able to hang out. distance is a little problem but i should be driving in the near future. that should help out a bunch and make life alot easier. i think that i am going through a growth spurt. every day i sleep for hours, yet i still find myself tired. maybe one day ill be tall. wouldnt that be grand? justin is geting on my nerves to the max. he still has a bunch of my cd's and he will not return any of my calls. damn him and his stupidity. if he does not call me soon, i will just have to call the cops. then he will have to deal with alot of unessasary shit. anyway, im going to go and talk to some people on the phone. hopefully making plans for tomorrow. maybe ill hang out with good old gabi. she's always available for me to talk to. hehe, have a good fucking night

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cool day out with dave [11 Jan 2004|08:25pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]
[ music | cross out the eyes - thursday ]

sometimes, your heart beats faster than you think it can go. my heart raced as my sister and her friend jessica walked up to the local sunoco down the street to meet my friend dave. i had butterflies in my stomach. when we arrived, him and his friend were sitting in his tan bmw. he has a very nice car indeed. dave got out and said "hi" to me and offered me a seat in his car. it must have been 2 degrees below zero because i was so cold. kaite and jessica ran inside to store to get some vanilla coffee. i was left talking to the two boys. dave is 21 and his friend was younger. im not sure exactally. we were talking for a while until the girls walked out of the store, holding two cups of coffee. we placed ourselves in his car to get warm. my step father before i left to meet up with dave, told me not to drive anywhere with him. me being a rebel and all took the girls out on a drive. we went to the wawa in daretown i think it was. right by the diner. it was great. dave is a really good driver. we took a sharp turn at 55mph. not always so easy to do. especially since it was one of those odd circle things that have mutilpul cars coming at you from many directions. we parked the car in the diner parking lot and then daves friend suggested that we "go to the wawa acrossed the street" so we did. we ventured off passed the circle and to the wawa. my sister and her friend have recently been addicted to cancer sticks. they stayed outside to smoke up. the remainder of us went in and bought stuff at wawa. dave got soup and his friend got three pretzels and liquid cheese in a small plastic container *yuck* anyway, we hung out and just talked for a bit. then we decided to start heading back home bcasue i knew that jeff would be looking for me and the girls. of corse he did. we instructed dave to take us to the park. there katie showed us her "smoking spot" in the woods. it was pretty neat back there. someoen actually took the time to clear the place out and make it cool. im thinking about haveing abonf fire back there. that is if cheif osterman woul let us. i highly doubt it... dave is really attractive. too bad i dont think that i have a chance with him. hehe, hes really sweet too. most guys that are his age can be pretty rude. not him though. usually when i go to hang out with people i dont really know all that well, i get nervous and i act strange. i wasnt strange at all with dave. it was almost as if him and i have been good friends in the past. i hope that i can hang out with him again soon. he is alot of fun to hang out with and to talk to. dave is much better than justin. what was i thinking back then? i must have had a short term of insanity. i was just talking to him about ten minutes ago. i told him that he better meet me at dr. arricos place at 5. if he doesnt show up, i am going to report my stuff missing to the police. he also tried to tell me not to talk to his new girlfriend katie. thats a shame because katie turned out to be a really cool girl. personally, he has no right to tell me if i can or if i cant talk to her. he doesnt know her that well to control her.. not yet anyway. justin has a sevear problem of lieing. i never knew that someone could lie so much in his or her life. i didnt think it was possible to lie about EVERYTHING. its a shame because deep down, he knows how messed up he really is. i feel bad for katie because i dont believe that she fully understands how demeanted his mind truely is. she doesnt understand how messed up he is and what a loser he is. not only is a compulsive liar, but he is a hyperchondriac. i dont know how many times that justin has told me that he is dieing. or how many times for that matter that he has "coughed up blood" or "thinks he has appendisitus." -i cant spell tonight- anyway, i wont let him ruin my good day. hes the one who is getting slaped anyway if he does show up. he better. or me and gabi will have to have it out

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cool quizzes [11 Jan 2004|04:23pm]
Congrats and such! You're "Houses and
Billboards." Have you ever been to Mexico?
Maybe not, but you probably have had that one
perfect night. Lucky you. Even though you've
lost some friends or relationships, you always
have the memories right? It's ok, I think
you're the cutest kid in school.

What Saves The Day song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I love you! This is my favorite song. So if this is
you then you are awesum. Youve had your heart
broken huh? And they dont teach you how to deal
with these things in school. I guess
bestfriends doesnt always mean forever. Pretty
soon everyone catches on.

What Brand New song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're So Last Summer:

You seem to be somewhat like me; a doormat. You
will do ANYTHING for another person no matter
how bad they have or are hurting you. We're
both pretty pathetic. Besides, if you're just
bad news then they're a liar. On a lighter
note, you are one of TBS's most symbolic and
poetic songs. Keep up the good work, but don't
let people walk all over you.

What Taking Back Sunday Song Are You?
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You are Lime.
You are quirky and misunderstood. You are
definitely your own person. You don't let
anyone tell you who you should be. You never
sell out your values and beliefs, no matter
what. However, you can sometimes have trouble
fitting in, but only because you are
Most Compatible With: Wintergreen

Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming of

What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

Blue info
Your Heart is Blue

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

holding hands
hand holding - you like to be in constant physical
contact with your special someone but you don't
want to take things too quickly.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

 Congradulations! you're a Complete Psycho!
'Complete Psycho' PLEASE VOTE!!!

What Type of Lunatic are You? (With Cool Pics!!)
brought to you by Quizilla


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
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[11 Jan 2004|02:20am]
Sad Dash
You are The Best Deceptions!

You're bitter, you're hurt. You WERE in love, until
they screwed it all up. You thought they were
the one for you, and then they broke your
heart. You are ready to move on, even though it
still hurts to think about them. Your friends
are used to seeing you with watery eyes and a
frown. You doodle a lot, and daydream about how
things couldve been.

Which Dashboard Song Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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lies, lies, all frigg'n lies [10 Jan 2004|07:56pm]
[ mood | giggly ]
[ music | mid air love message - poison the well ]

what a day. my brain has finally slowed down and allowed me to relize what really did happen the other night. my past relationship was based on a bunch of lies that he told me. it turns of that the little boy was never in a band to being with.. yes thats right, "his" band called go real slow... turned out to not even acknowledge his exsistance. its funny now that i look back on it. everything makes sense. the reason why i was never allowed to bring up the band(s) --break away and go real slow-- infront of his friends and other band members, was becuase he WAS NEVER IN THE BAND IN THE FIRST PLACE. justin is a class A loser and i am glad that i am not with that head case anymore. the worst part of it all is that he believes his lies. i think he may be a pathological liar. i have met people like that and i should have seen it coming. his new girlfriend is a friend of mine now. she confronted him on the phone last night and he started to cry. what a baby. he has no reason to cry becuase he did this to himself. the fire that he started actually brunt him i guess you can say. i shouldnt talk about lieing since i lied to justin about a few things too. justin doesnt actually have the "biggest penis i have ever seen"! he has the smallest. haha. and all of the orgasms i said that he gave me were fake.. all but i think one. and that was weak. i felt bad for him at the time and didnt want to make him cry. justin took what i said to heart. he walked around my house like he was king of the world becuase he gave his girlfriend at the time a fake *O*. he must have thought he was a "sex god". too bad he doesnt have a clue to what he was doing. i may have been harsh by writing this all down in my journal.. maybe someone who knows justin could give him a few pointers..well, not a few. he may want to read up on the female anatomy. he also lied to me about his ex girlfriend charity breaking his bass. he told katie - his new girlfriend- that he broke his bass after they broke up. charity claims that justin never had a bass. yeah so somewhere he lied twice. this boy is insane. he calls me and charity crazy. at least we arent the pathological liars here. i only lied to make him feel better. i dont lie to make myself feel better. that is just plain pathetic.

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what a cool girl [09 Jan 2004|06:15pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | three evils - coheed and cambria ]

well, i havent written in a really long time. and im terribly sorry for all you people out there who find my life so interesting. today, i IMed justins new girlfriend katie to warn her about him. it turns out that her and i have alot of things in common and she is an awesome girl. i really hope she takes into consideration what i told her. justin is a total liar and i am glad that it seems like she believes me. there honestly isnt anything cool about justin. he said the same things to both of us. and he even met us the same way. who would have thought? justin turns out to not even be in a band. he lies about his life to make himself seem better. the worst part of that is that he lies to himself to make himself feel better. he believes it.... anyway, nathan might be coming to NJ to live her with me. that would be so awesome if my mother adopted him. :-) i really hope that all of this works out. but i shouldnt get ahead of myself. one awesome point that i am trying to make here is that my mom didnt say no. she said that she is going to talk to jeff about it. i have a feeling that all of this is infact going to work out. oh how happy i would be!! im listening to coheed and cambria right now. my friend rich made me a cd since justin still has mine. i got him into co&ca and yet he still cant pronounce or even spell there name right. oh well, hes never going to be happy in life. im better off and glad that him and i arent together. he was a mistake and im different than he is... i learn from them... alright im going to go and watch a "scary movie" with my friends... ill be back shortly only to discover new things!

p.s. today was a good day

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coolbeans [04 Jan 2004|06:46pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]
[ music | machine head - bush ]

My life is rated R.
What is your life rated?

i thought that was pretty interesting. my good buddy nathan might be coming to live in NJ with me. my mom could be adopting him. ahhh that would be so awesome. i cant wait!!! :-) all of the sudden i would have the coolest brother and a best friend living with me. how sweet is that deal? justin is pissed at me for some reason. i dont know why and i dont care. nathan was talking to him last night and i think that he got jealous at the fact that nathan might be living with me. him and i are going to have a blast. anyway, i've been talking to a cool guy for a while. his name is jesse. we have the coolest conversations between us. i cant wait until i can go and visit him considering he lives in the grand state of massachusetts. i think that is how you spell it. tomorrow i have to go back to school. im not looking foward to it but its something that i have to do. gourmet cooking class is still my first period. i wonder if i have to bake that cake tomorrow with gabi, mike, and kenyon. ahh i hope that it doesnt burn. hahahahaha. as you can tell, im not the best cook in the world. i try but for some reason, i tend to lack in that department.... im going to go and make some telephone calls. i could possibly be talking to jesse on the phone. he wants to one day tuck me into bed. isnt that sweet?! this boy know exactally how to make a girl blush.... darn him and his skills
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oh my [03 Jan 2004|01:49pm]
[ mood | loved ]
[ music | a romeo and juliet love - by me ]

i never meant to sleep this late. last night i was up talking on the phone to one of the nicest guys. i only wish that he lived near me. haha. his name is jesse and like he lives in the good old state of massachusttes. we were on the phone for nearly three and a half hours. that amazing to me because i usually neve even talk to my best friend for that long. i hate talking on the phone. but somehow jesse managed to keep me on the phone, not even thinking about getting off once. its almost 2 and i feel like my day has been wasted. i was supposed to hang out with dave today but now i odnt know. he hasnt called me yet. or maybe he has... the ringer was off on my phone. i think when i get a car this year, i am going to have to take a road trip to visit my friend jesse. it would be alot of fun. well, im tlaking to him right now. so i guess i am going to go and start my day off. being single is sooo much fun. thanks bunches justin.

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eat your effin heart out [01 Jan 2004|09:23pm]
[ mood | energetic ]
[ music | clark gabel - postal service ]

another odd day came upon me. i woke up this morning to a feel that i havent felt. my head has finally stopped ringing and i relized that i hadnt dreamt about justin at all. what a relief. im finally getting over this plague. i had quite a good morning. although i didnt eat breakfast, i jumped into the shower and listened to the cd that my friend richard made for me. i was so thrilled! it is the new coheed and cambria cd. one of my favorite things to do is sing in the shower. dont ask me why because i probally couldnt tell you. a while back, justin and i purchased the same cd at a store... but since i still have yet to see that boy, he still has my cd's and clothing hostage. i miss my cd's. i need to pull off a james bond move in order to gain them back i think. dave said the same thing. hopefully tomorrow him and i will be hanging out. i wasnt aloud out tonight becuase my little cousin sophie is here. my mother said that it would be rude if i left her. i guess she is right. i know that if i went over to my older cousins house, even though i dont have one in america, i wouldnt want them to leave me to hang out with their friends with out me. after my shower this morning i walked around the house naked. haha. no one was home. it was fun... after a while, i decided to actually get dressed and venture out of the house. i walked over to the sunoco and got a vanilla coffee. it was good. the only bad thing was that it was so good that i burnt my tounge on the hot liquid. my mom got home right around the time i did. we had to go to deleware to go and get my cousin. after our little trip, we stoppped by the new house of ours being built. today was the first time that i went in it. its not finished on the inside, but you can tell that it is going to be a nice house. it already has a cozy feeling. if you call dust and unfinished flooring cozy... anyway, i went on the computer when i got home and ran upstairs to go and get changed. my grand parents where coming over for a dinner that my mom made. i left the computer on not thinking that anyone would go on and talk. when i got down, my cousin sophia was on my screen name talking to my good friend nathan. haha. i was surprised. i just laughed becuase they talked about funny things when i read the conversation. bruce almighty is a pretty funny movie. i just watched that. now im back on the computer as you can tell. im waiting for dave to call me. his screen name was online but it wasnt him!!! the person said that it was his dad's girlfriends daughter. she was pretty rude to me but i decided not to get rude back. i didnt exactally know who i was speaking to, so there wasnt a point. anyway, i think im going to go and hang out. im not sure what i am going to be doing. hopefully i will get a call from dave. hes a really nice guy! :-)

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Happy New Year! [01 Jan 2004|01:33am]
[ mood | mellow ]
[ music | hands down - dashboard confessional ]

another year has past. oh the joy of staying up way past my bed time only to the beginning of another crappy year. i threw a little "shindig" some people like to say at my house. it was fun i guess you could stay. a few people came over, rich, nicole, eric, gabi and i. we had a bon fire and burnt random objects such as glow sticks. the chimicals within each bright stick turned the smoke into a green fog. it was interesting. we also threw in old soda cans and plastic bottles. and you cant forget the assortment of differnt food. around 11 or so, the wind started to pick up so we decided to take our small party into the house. i didn have a million people over this year because i am moving into a new house. with a new house on its way brings promises of huge parties. yes thats right, "Party at my house" a few minutes before the ball dropped dave called me. ive been talking to him for a bit now. hes really awesome. i hope that him and i get to hang out soon! :-) he called to wish me a happy new year. i told him that i would call him back after i took my friends home. infact, i just got off the phone with him. he had his friend rob with him and we were talking. daves speaker phone is pretty loud so anyone that was in the car could hear our conversation. that was cool because then rob wouldnt feel excluded. dave might be stopping over tomorrow to say hi. my little cousin sophia is coming over as well. she is spending the night. i miss her already and i just saw her not long ago. i smell like a fire on a winter night. oh thats right, i was standing by the fire for a few hours. rich and nicole like each other. i say that they just become a couple. im trying to hook them up together but it seems that they are both too afraid to make any moves. oh how romantic. i used to have a crush on richard to tell you the truth. he is my best friend now. i cant wait until i move into my new house. ill be able to hand out with him more considering i will be living down the street from him. when the clock hit midnight, rich, nicole, me, and my mother ran down the street with noise makers. the first words out of richards mouth were screaming "im a pretty lady" and "my mom says im smart" oh man he cracks me up. nicole is really nice. this was the first time that i ever met her. she was funny too. gabi and eric left early because they went to erics house for the midnight celebration. eric and gabi are going to get married one day. you watch. they have already been together for about a year and some odd months. its crazy. yeah people in love make me sick. i was in love anymore but now that i look at it, it wasnt worth me getting upset over because i know that i will be in love again someday. maybe to have another heart brake, maybe not. you never know until it happens... i have a feeling that my ears have gotten infected since i gadged them. i stretched them out too fast i think. i went from a size 8 to a 2. haha. in under a half and hour. the hydrogen peroxide doesnt seem to be helping. neither does the bactroban. eventually, i think i just might cut my ears off. that would be the cure to all my problems.. got a cramp in your leg? cut you leg off! got a head ache? just chop off you head! hehe, yeah that would do it. no more pain. more life......... .i hope all you people who are reading my journal are having a splendid new years. i cant help but kiss my relfection this year becuase im not hanging out with anyone to kiss. that doesnt bother me....i could be possibly getting some kisses tomorrow. hehe. im getting tired so im going to go and read a book. maybe go and write some more lyrics and think of some new songs. then im off to dreamland. in dreamland, everyone is happy and there, you dont ever have to worry. oh what a place to live...

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dead ears [29 Dec 2003|11:39pm]
[ mood | excited ]

my ears feel dead. i cant believe what i just did to them. who would have ever thought that i would go from an 8 to a 2. haha. surely not me. i got a few numbers today in the mall. actually like 6. haha. tonight was a good night. i had alot of fun. me and gabi went to the deptford mall. i didnt expect to get any numbers. that wasnt the reason why i went in the first place. i got a few cool things. 2 pairs of jeans, a top, hair clips, and a set of gages that i am wearing right now. my house came today. it is being put together tomorrow. we ordered a really nice modular house. im excited. i get to actually walk up into my room tomorrow. i have to wake up early and go and get my great grandmother tomorrow. shes coming to see the house be put together with us. so im off to bed. this is a short entry.

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oh yeah! [28 Dec 2003|05:42pm]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | 12/23/93 - poison the well ]

oh yeah! im going out tonight and i cant wait. im going to have so much fun. im supposed to meet up with these guys at the mall. and maybe we are going to go and shoot pool or something. this is great. the life of being single has alot more oppurtunities than i thought. im glad that im single right now. i dont need a boyfriend. im too young to settle down. and before i was talking about marriage?? what would have honestly have happened with that? oh man, girls get sucked into the mushy stuff from time to time. i fell just like they all do. i had a great day today. my cousin sophia came over from deleware and spent the day with us. we went to the gloucester city today to visit my great grandmother. oh how i love her. you wouldnt never believe how old my great grandma kraft is. shell be 93 years old this march. great grandma is in practially perfect health. i somtimes believe that she is going to out live me. the only problem that she seems to have is some minor arthritus. i hope that if i live a long life, that i am as healthy as she is. great grandma gets blue this time of the year. it has been about 3 years since her husband passed away. i didnt really know him that much because when i was little he had a stroke and wasnt able to get around as much. i remember him telling me stories when i was little. how he saved a boy from drowning in the deleware river. he was a strong swimmer due to his water polo days. i wish that i got to know him more before he passed away. i heard that he was a great man. jeff today in the car got mad at my sister katie (jeff is my step father) i guess that katie was annoying him somehow. she hates him to the fullest extent. i just dislike him sometimes. alright well, im going to go jump in the shower and get ready. this should be an awesome night!!

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what a pleasent day [27 Dec 2003|09:09pm]
[ mood | surprised ]
[ music | attitude - misfits ]

i had a very nice day. my moms good friend sandy came down from rhode island for the holidays. sandy is what i like to say the coolest lady on earth. i think that i she has known me since i was a little girl. we went to cape may today and had a grand time. i met these two cute boys today that own this surf shop along the way. their names were brendon and tylor i believe. oh man, they were so nice. and they were emo too! hehe, i was in luck. the one guy asked for my number. tylor... i dont know if he is going to call me. i live so far away. tylor was tall. he had dark hair and green eyes. oh how i would love to look into his eyes one day. hehe. under tylors grey shirt, i could tell that he had a six pack. he seemed really fit. oh man, looks dont usually get to me. im more of a personality girl but im telling you... this boy had it all. he was sweet, polite, and nice. and the looks, oh he had them. he could have me too. in a second. if i wasnt still thinking about someone who doesnt love me. ugh, i wish i could just move on. meet some new guy and try my luck in love. im never lucky in love. i need to get over justin. as soon as possible. i hope that tylor does call me. maybe him and i can meet up and go to a diner. i think he drives. he was at least 19. im surprised that he was talking to me. i could of sworn that tylor would have talked to that blonde girl. she was the type of girl that everyone wanted to get to know. the beautiful type.... i got home not terribly long ago. as soon as i walked into my house, my telephone started ringing. it was gabi. i havent talked to her at all since my break. her and i want to go to the mall tomorrow night and hang out. maybe ill meet another guy there. this time he will live close by. since the mall is infact in vineland. justin is coming over on monday. we need to get some things straight. him and i are friends i guess you can say. he might be staying over. thats if he wants. im not trying to pressure him into liking me again. i dont need him too...

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no longer upset, just pissed off [26 Dec 2003|10:37am]
[ mood | pissed off ]
[ music | just enough - early novemeber ]

im so pissed off. finally i got to talk to that boy for more than 10 minutes. i told him just how i really felt. im not the bad guy anymore. i dont love justin anymore. i care for him as a person but he is a jerk. i cant believe that he cant even come and see me when i need him the most. that would be right now! instead he is out screwing around with other girls. im giving justin back all of his stuff. including the jacket he bought me. i dont want it anymore. i hope that he gives the jacket and the stuffed animals to his new girl friend. maybe they will keep her company when he brakes her heart too. i wonder if he enjoys hurting people.. im not upset now because i see him for who he really is. thats it. bottom line is i thought he was different than most guys. he isnt. he is just like the rest of them in our society. its a shame because he said that he was sincer about what he had said to me in the past. i dont believe it now. i have this strong feeling that i was vulnerable and i fell for what he said. i should have known better. i was a fool. i asked him for his address. i was thinking about just sending him his stuff through the mail but he wont let me. on monday, he said taht he is going to come down and get it and talk to me. i highly doubt it. he never keeps his promises. he promised me so many things and i have yet to see them through. so until then, i warn all you girls out there to stay clear of justin howarth unless you want your heart smashed. i dont even feel like being his friend

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Christmas Morning [25 Dec 2003|12:50pm]
[ mood | working ]
[ music | silhoutte - thrice ]

who would have ever thought taht christmas is already upon us. i celebrated last night so there wasnt much for me to do this morning. i woke up to a gift cetificate to the mall for 100 dollars and a breakfast of home made french toast an bacon. yumm... im actually doing better now. im forgetting about justin because last night i needed him the most. he couldnt just comfort me on the phone. i know that he wasnt worth it now. and i know that i can do better. ill find someone who will love me someday. not that fake love that i tend to end up with. this time, ill just know not to fall for someone right away like i did. i rushed into that relationship and i regret some parts of what happened between us. on another note, my sister katie and i re arranged my room. boy was that a tedious task. my room looks so nice now. i feel like i can actually breathe. before, the room looked extreemly small because i had my furnatire in positions where it made the room cluttered. yes, this is how i spent this christmas morning. cleaning my room. at least i accomplished something. for now on, im just going to be devoting my time towards school and relaxing in the mean time. i dont need a boyfiend right now. although it would be nice, sometimes its best to be alone to find out who you really are. no matter what, i know that i will find someone who is right for me. everyone does... im not going to let one little heart brake bring me down. i cant let someone who doesnt love me anymore make me upset. its not worth me being stressed out and its not worth me getting an upset stomach over. sure we had great times but i know that i will have more with someone who i will find in the future. maybe even better. im going to go back up in my room and finish up last minute things. have a merry christmas everyone!

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a lonely christmas eve.. [24 Dec 2003|06:55pm]
[ mood | lonely ]
[ music | the choke - saves the day ]

walking acrossed town to the local sunoco, my eyes started to blur. i dont know whether or not it was the intensity of each christmas bulb or it was just the tears that engulfed my eyes. i ran out of the house to get a warm vanilla coffee. i needed something in order to calm my nerves. i had a rough day. i tried talking to justin earlier but that only ended ugly. its a shame. i care for him with all my heart. the "shame" part is, i dont know if he even has a clue. this so far has been the down right most lonely christmas eve i have ever had. sure, my moms side of the family was here. my grandparents brought in their gifts while my sister made a cheese platter. it was just like last year. and the year before that for that matter. my mother cooked while my step dad drank a glass of wine (not saying he ever drinks but since it was the holiday, i guess that it was alright) everyone sat down to the table when it was time to eat. of corse we said our prayers. my grandfather lead them just like last year, and the year before that one. i get tired of the same thing over and over again. i wish that something different happened tonight. i know that i sound selfish.. but i was hopeing this year i wouldnt feel this way. i longed for justin to call me. i still long for him to do so. my mother instructed me to place the missel toe above the archway to the kitchen. once again i was caught under it. caught with no one but a fading memory to kiss me. im having a charlie brown christmas -so to speak-. my mom works tomorrow on the actualy holiday. we celebrated tonight. no one will be here tomorrow so i think that i am going away for a bit. maybe my time away will make someone relize how much i would really be missed. that someone of corse is no one but the infamous justin. there isnt any vacancy in my brain. every atom is concentrated upon his being. if only he felt the same way as me. if only he longed for me the way i long for him every seconde of my life. i didnt want much for christmas. i havent been the best girl on santas list. therefore i didnt ask him for anything. i did however ask God to send justin back to me. i know that would be the best christmas present of all.

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