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Monday, June 16th, 2008
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11:03 pm - 'misery business'
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I'm back with jon, working on our relationship... seeing how, learning how to make it better. I told amanda about jon and i and she seemed alright about it, like she expected it. i'm glad it was that easy, because to be honest i thought it would be a little more difficult. i'm still on the edge about jon and i though. i told him the other night about how i slept with another guy when we were broken up and how when we first broke up and got back together again (yes, this is our third go at it), that i was fooling around with amanda at the same time. i knew that he knew, i really didnt expect anything other than what he said. I hate the fact that i've cheated on jon. he's so good to me, amazing. he's so sweet and so handsome.... really, i don't know how i could get someone like him. and i know how important he is and how rare. i think i just get lost in all of it sometimes, wanting more than just him -which scares me because i love him and i want to be with him, but its the struggle of being with two people at once. i will not. i will work hard. i want this. i want him. he makes me happy. always has.
now that im back with jon, amanda seems to be working harder at calling me and texting me. i feel awkward with all of it. im used to flirting back and im trying not to, i really am. it's just a constant pull back and forth. i just keep reminding myself why i want to be with jon and not amanda. she was different, but someone i could never really feel completely comfortable with. jon has always made me happy and has always put his heart on his sleeve for me. he loves me and i can see it everytime i look into his eyes.
i'm just wondering how long i'm going to have to keep convincing myself what is right for me.
...i wonder if he does the same thing.
current mood:  complacent
current music: All We Know - Paramore
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| Tuesday, May 13th, 2008
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1:19 am - can you help me find that place?
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why is happiness such a difficult thing to find? we can spend our whole life in search of it and come up empty handed. paper bills and expensive 'things' seem to turn this world these days. what happened to the simple pleasures, the ones found naturally on earth. you can find it in the soil you walk on, the fresh leaves you smell, the person by your side, the conversations never said that should have been said. we spend so much time searching and searching when it was right under our noses the entire time. "We can only love when we take the time to forgive. when we forgive we will be loved."
I'm so tired of always searching for happiness in my life. I'm always so tired, isn't that what i always say? at nineteen i search for meaning. i've been searching for my entire existance. why must it be so hard to find? when will i find it? time stands still and i look around this warn out room, nothing but 'things'. the only thing that seems to help me are these words, all of these words. these scars are just attempts at hope; freedom. isn't that what we're all looking for?
I think i need a change. I need to help someone who needs help. something to make me appreciate my existance, an experience. i want to help, because maybe in the end it will help me. "life is only really enjoyed when shared."
I'm tired of sitting around watching my life pass me by. Give me something real.
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| Monday, May 12th, 2008
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5:33 pm - this pisses me off**
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it pisses me off the way amanda gets pissed at me over seeing jon. I feel like im in the exact same relationship as i was when i was with jon. i shouldn't have to lie about who i'm seeing and i shouldn't feel ashamed either. Jon is my best friend and he always will be. there's a reason jon and i didn't work out and i definitly don't want to start a relationship which resembles completely the previous. fuck! this makes me so angry. its so frustrating because i dont see amanda often and as for the past three weeks we've just been talking over msn, so i can't see completely how she deals with all of this.
I dont know if i want to do this. I just got out of a two year relationship with jon -i've never loved someone so much. I always find myself comparing amanda and jon... things she says... things he once said to me. it rubs me the wrong way sometimes. Dont get me wrong though, there are good times with amanda too. she makes me laugh and i know she cares about me a lot. i'm worried that i'm just in love with the fact that someone can treat me the way he did. i don't know if i want that right now.
i don't know what i want.
...maybe just someone to talk to.
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12:58 pm - Hello Lonely,
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Another day of sitting on a couch alone, staring at a television. Someone please kill me, please... you know I would, but according to past experiences I don't know how to. I'm not even watching what's on tv, I'm literally just staring at it. I just think constantly about anything. I find myself lying in bed until 5am just non-stop thinking... why can't i rest? Why can't I live my life without always wishing something were different?
I wish I were smarter.
I wish I were stronger.
I wish I were skinnier.
I wish I could understand this life.
I wish I didn't care what I look like, sound like... I wish I could care more about others and get over the fact that I will never be perfect.
I wish I could believe in something that could help me change my ways.
please.
current mood:  lonely
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| Sunday, May 11th, 2008
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10:41 pm - who would run with me?
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lonely days pass me by and i still can't remember why i loved living in this lie. pretending everything is alright, hiding behind waterlogged eyes and fake smiles. I throw it up because i can't stand me. looking in a mirror and seeing my mothers words hanging over my head.
i can't stand the guilt anymore, how do i escape? I'd run if i could, but the glue on my shoes keep me planted.
i tear myself up over regrets of who I could have been. the things i never did. the cycle keeps coming back around and around and around, when will it stop? when will i stop?
We think people can change our lives,
but we are only fooling ourselves.
They are merely a distraction from the moments we want to escape from.
We are the only ones that can change ourselves,
but we have to really really want it.
And maybe right now I dont want it,
but i've never needed a change more than i do right now.
current mood: lonely
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10:39 pm - It's been a while.
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I'm home now, finished my first year of college. What do I do now? I still don't have a job and my days consist of me sleeping until 12, eating raisin bran, watching t.v., eating dinner, getting baked alone in my room and passing out at 2am. What has college taught me... how to lie better.
Being around this house all day is beginning to get to me though. I occasionally catch myself talking to myself, sometimes I even get answers back. I need to get out of here! My friends don't call or come by anymore. Who wants to be friends with someone as depressing as me? - I wouldn't. I spent 3 hours crying last night... mostly because of that reason and the fact that I've never really come out of this depression for longer than 3 months. When will it end... I know that's a stupid question. It won't end, I will have clinical depression for the rest of my life... I just need to learn how to enjoy the good times. I feel like I just need an experience, something to change me for the better. I want to appreciate life more, but I don't know how to (as stupid as that sounds). The first step to appreciating this life is appreciating myself and hell, that's a long run!
I'm so tired of listening to my mom, janice, dad, jess, jord and everyother living person on this earth telling me to get a job. I KNOW I NEED A JOB! FUCK! I KNOW! I stress myself more than enough, I don't need anyone else to do that for me. I have no money and I can't even afford to pay for second months rent in my new appartment, shitty balls. I'll be out there tomorrow searching for jobs, but fuck, I hate job searching. I'd rather kill myself. - HA!
I'd run forever if I had to.
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| Saturday, February 9th, 2008
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1:57 am
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I don't know what i want these days. I want him... i want him not. I want to be that stronger person, the one that doesn't give in to lonelines.
I just walked for an hour around my campus at 1:30 in the morning, obviously not a smart idea. God, sometimes i just wish something would happen to me. I spent 2 hours of my drunken night lying in my room alone, crying my eyes out... just cause i'm that cool. It's because this is one of 3 times that i've stayed at res. usually i'm in waterloo at jon's... but since that is over i've just been staying here. So i was out with amanda walking around the halls looking for a party and i just felt like such a tag along. i dont know anyone. i hate being like this. i hate it. i had to leave when they all went out for a smoke cause i was freaking out in my head. so i came up to my room, freaked out and punched a wall. now i have to clean off the blood on the wall, great.
i just want to be okay. it's been EIGHT FUCKING YEARS!!! fuck!!!!!! i just want to be okay, for more than a couple of months, hours, minutes. Is that possible? (i know it's not... i just hate myself so much. i want it to go away, i want to disapear).
you spend so much time wishing yourself away that you don't realise all that you're missing - i don't care what i miss anymore. can we just do it right this time?
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| Tuesday, March 6th, 2007
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1:29 am - I've not only disapointed my parents, my friends... I've disapointed myself more than anyone knows.
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Sometime's I wonder if I was better off being a completely depressed, cutter, pill popper. I try so hard to get to something else in my life, to become someone happy. Was I happy before, no. Was I happy when I was with my friends, yes. Was I happy sitting alone in my room popping sleeping pills just to get high, no. Was I happy being isolated from my entire family, no. So I wanted to change all that. I tried to... I'm trying to. Now I'm losing friends because I've changed so much, because I'm so different. Because I'm happier sometimes, more than I was before. But when you start to see people who considered you as a best friend start to disintagrate from your life, you get confused of which one is better. Is happiness supposed to feel like this? Is this even considered being happy? Why do I have to depend on a guy to make me happy, I'm not my mother. Am I? God, I don't want to be. When he makes me happy, why can't it last longer than the time that I spend with him?
I'm lonely here, how can I change that?
current mood: crying
current music: matchbox twenty- hang
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| Monday, March 5th, 2007
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11:12 pm - What happens when they're all gone?
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Thursday was officially a horrible day for me. I woke up and started to get ready to go see my best friend karen at MacMaster Univ. in Hamilton. I showered and packed my bag and then the snow came. Dad phone's to tell me he can't drive me because of the the weather conditions, which I completely understand I was just disapointed. I haven't seen her since before christmas and everytime I talk about her I end up crying. I just miss her so much, ya know. Then I get this email from Erin saying that I've changed, that I'm different now. Of course I'm fucking different Erin, I'm not as depressed anymore. I'm not cutting myself or taking pills like I used to. Of course I'm going to be different. I could hardly read it. I was crying so hard, like screaming crying. Sometimes I just can't stand myself. I look in a mirror expecting to be different than who I was a year ago, and yeah, so what I look different... I don't have all those cuts all over me anymore. But fuck, I still feel the way I did right before I dug it in. I still look at myself and scream I hate you. So really, what's changed. Only the fact that because I've slowly changed my attitude around other people I've lost more people in my life who I care about, a lot. I was so angry with myself, so I punched a wall, which killed my hand. It's still bruised, well the bone is. I just don't get it.
"When will we say enough is enough. When will we say enough is enough. When will we say... I'd give all I have."
current mood: lonely
current music: House of Gold - Andy Stochansky
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| Wednesday, February 28th, 2007
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12:25 am - Sometimes I just feel like I'm lying to myself.*
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last night i had this weird dream. Basically it consists of; My mom finds a stash of blue sleeping pills in my room. I run downstairs to yell at her and as she continues to tell me how i need help she brings in a psychiatrist, who is going to take me back to the hospital. i start to yell, "i hate you, i hate you" to my mom and this psychiatrist. I walk out the door on my way somewhere(i dont know where i was going). Then the scene changes and i'm in a school walking to the counselling office. i get to the door out in the hallway where a bunch of girls are sitting and waiting to get inside. i sit down on the step beside one of them waiting my turn. i'm wearing this short denim skirt (which i just bought a week ago), as i sit down it rises up my thigh making the scars on my legs more obvious than they were before i took a seat. once i get in the counsellors office i take a seat at her desk, and she pulls out the bag of blue pills my mother found stashed in my room and i start telling her i dont know where they came from. that i dont do that anymore. which was true in my dream, i was telling the truth.
the thing about this dream was that no one believed me and i was so scared that i was going to have to go back to the hospital for a fourth time. when i woke up it took me a few minutes to remember whether or not it was actually fact or fiction. i couldn't tell which life i was actually living, what was in my dream or what is really my reality.
what the hell's wrong with me, eh?
current mood:  guilty
current music: The Eagles - Hotel California
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, February 19th, 2007
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8:57 am - a song i heard a couple nights ago... i thought it was relatable.
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"Boston"
In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...
Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...
You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,
Essential yet appealed, carry all your thoughts across
An open field,
When flowers gaze at you... they're not the only ones who cry
When they see you
You said...
You don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said
You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains... oh yeah,
She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah,
Boston... where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Where no one knows my name...
Yeah Boston...
Where no one knows my name.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, February 13th, 2007
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11:39 pm - God, can I just run away with you?
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Do you ever find yourself pushing away all the people that you love, not intentionally though... or maybe it is? i'm not pushing away jon... but i feel like i've lost a lot of my other friends because of stupid things that come out of my mouth or dont. The people i'm loosing touch with, because i dont care enough to pick up a phone. I've lost friends because they can't "handle" me anymore, at least that's what katie told me. she can't handle me anymore, cause everything i do to myself, the situations i put myself in. Am i the only one that's damaged, cause i don't think that i am.
The sunshine is looking more and more tempting everyday, you know that?
current mood:  confused
current music: Nelly Furtado - All good things come to an end
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, February 6th, 2007
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12:31 am - the debate is not over.
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i'm so tired of this. so tired. nothing has changed in the past year, i'm the same fucking person. everything is the same, everything. when did i stop? the only thing that's changed is that i've become a better liar. sometimes i think that locking myself away would have been the best choice.
i'm more selfish than i've ever been and i friggin hate it. "i wish i was smarter, i wish i was stronger, i wish i loved jesus." To the top of the world right. When is it ever enough dani? What's wrong with my fucking head... why can't i change? now i've brought my mom down with me. she cries every night now. she gets angry at the stupidest things. she thinks we dont give a shit. she told my dad the other day that we "don't love him and why can't you see it!?" -that's not true at all. I love my parents very very much and that could never change no matter what i say or do because i have no choice, it's in me. i love my parents unconditionally. and i swear to god i think my mom should be on suicide watch. she's so lonely and i just want her to have a guy who respects her. i just want her to be happy. i fucked up and now it's just a pattern.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, February 4th, 2007
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11:01 pm - i love the fact that you can make me smile in between all this bullshit.
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how is it that when you think everything is finally going alright, it all turns around in a day. Maybe i just bring this all on myself, which im almost positive i do. all this shit between my mom and dad, why can't they just leave us out of the child support bullshit. my mom is suing my dad because he's stopping the child support until i'm back in school in september. And my mom is going to charge me room and board, $300 a month. I only make about $100 and something a week. Then on the way home today my dad has this big discussion with me and tells me he will pay me the $300 a month, plus $50 a week for whatever else i need because my mom will not pay a thing for me anymore as long as the child support cheques are stopped. It's just a big mess and i feel bad for both of them because my mom does a lot for us, she was the one we three kids lived with. she drove us everywhere, whatever we needed she did. My dad, i love him to pieces, he payed the $1100 a month to my mom. worked his ass off to afford to pay that to her. They both just want to dig it in. Who has it better in their eyes? Who is going to win? that's what they want. They both want to "Win". And through all this they say they are doing this for me, because thats who the money will go to since my brother and sister are both out of the picture now. So they're doing this for my best interest. My best interest?!!?! Fuck, they have no idea what i need. i just want them to get along. who cares about the money. they can both afford to have me here. they both have enough money to get buy. i don't really have any other expences accept clothes, which i seem to pay for all myself in the first place. i just need food, a roof over my head and toiletries... what else?? i don't know. Am i THAT difficult to afford? It's just between them. My dad is still angry my mom left him ten years ago and my mom is angry that he wasn't the one to take care of us when we were growing up. And i'm just stuck in the middle.
i struggle enough with my own sanity and now i have more to add to it all. i dont want to be selfish, and lately i really have been. I've tried so hard not to be selfish and now thats just who i am. i hate it. i dont want to be like that. i'm so stuck in between it all. in between the arguements, the emotional instability, the friends i thought i had, but lost. In between feelings i wish i didn't have anymore, thoughts that i wish would just go away. I've had more suicidal thoughts in the past week than i've had in a long time. These ones are worse too because i've crossed out the things that don't work (learned from experience) and now i know all the things that are absolutely going to do the job. I DON'T WANT TO KILL MYSELF. and i'm not going to... i just hate those thoughts. i hate crying over everything again. i cried every night this past week. even lying beside my own boyfriend. it was disgusting. i'm not supposed to be like this anymore. maybe it was just that one week. maybe this week will be better, besides, it's jon's and my one year on wednesday. I'm very excited about that. who knew i could last in a relationship that long. Who knew someone could make me this happy when i'm with them.
current mood:  disappointed
current music: Third Eye Blind - We were merely freshmen
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| Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007
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12:19 am - what is this?
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it's true, these days i really am happy. i've got such an amazing guy, who is my best friend. my family situation is so much better. i haven't cut for over a month or taken any pills. i gaduated. i've got a good paying job. But there are just days now and again where i just want to be depressed, to cry alone in my room in a ball undre my covers -just for the hell of it. and boo hoo i have nothing to cry about these days... or i do and i just cant cry. i dont know why this is such a big deal to me, but it is. Is it normal to want to be deeply depressed for just a day?
current mood: confused
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(31 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
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11:23 pm - music is just music
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sometimes i just listen to certain songs just so that they'll bring me down. in this case i was already down before i was listening. i just can't get it out of my head. i can't get the image of my sisters face out of my head. i cant get the sound of her voice when she told the E.R. nurse what had happened, "My sister took all of her pills... i dont know what to do." her face when i woke up in the hospital bed. her head on my stomach, eyes closed, but she was still crying... even with her eyes shut. i just can't forgive myself for any of that. im so sorry. im so sorry. im so sorry.
what was it like for her to go back home. she had to go back into my bedroom and clean up the vomit and rumage through my things searching for more pills and more razors. it's like as hard as i try to get better, there is always something there to remind me of the past. me and my selfish mistakes.
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| Saturday, December 2nd, 2006
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3:10 pm
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lately i've been getting hell from all my friends. they tell me that i've been neglecting them, never calling them and never making any effort to see them. it's true, i really haven't many attempt at talking or seeing them... but i don't even realise it. i've been so busy trying to re-evaluate my family life and who i am that i haven't really spent much time thinking about anyone else. trust me, i feel horrible about it. now all of my friends just think i'm a bad person. i've tried explaining everything to them but they dont get it. they wonder how i can have all this time for jon, talking to him on the phone for hours everynight and seeing him every weekend... but they dont actually notice that's it's mostly jon making all those attempts. he phones me, he visits me. im not the type of person that phones my friends to talk everyday. i'm just not like that. then they complain to me about how i dont talk to them about my feelings. i don't talk to many people about my feelings, not even my counsellor. sometimes i feel like the only reason they want me to talk to them about my personal life is so that they can feel good about their own. its makes them feel good to think that they are "helping" me. ... but then again, i know that they love me, as well as i love them. so i shouldn't think that, but seriously sometimes it just feels like im peoples charity case. i just wish they'd understand.
And then there's katie. she's no longer talking to me. which makes me think i need to re-evaluate myself and how i treat other people. is the reason she's not talking to me because of who i am and my personality? is it because of that whole thing that happened in the summer, because if it is i'm very confussed. when she went to university we would talk on the phone a lot like we were friends, which i thought we were. and then at the end of october i started to notice her avoiding me and not talking to me as often. then the other night i asked her about it and she says to me, "dani i never avoided you. i just dont want to talk to you anymore. i have my reasons." i just want to know why, maybe i can fix it. its just so frustrating. i just want to make people happy and i want to be able to be happy with who i am. i realise that it's not easy being my friend. in and out of hospitals, always having personal problems. no one wants to be around that, it's depressing. all of them stuck through it, but i mean come on there is always a breaking point. you can only take so much.
so these past couple of days i've tried changing my ways. holly came home this weekend so i told her to call me before noon on saturday (today) ... or i'd phone her if i didnt hear from her. she never phoned. i phoned her, no answer. now im just sitting around my house bored all day. it's times like these that make me feel so alone. all of my friends are away at university and im still waiting around here. im just so freaking lonely sometimes.
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| Tuesday, November 28th, 2006
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11:45 pm - sometimes it just falls apart and i dont know how to put it back together.
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as of december 1st i'm going to have to start paying my mom rent to live here.
what 17 year olds have to pay their parents rent while they are saving up to pay for college?
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| Thursday, November 23rd, 2006
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12:31 am
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Dear Jessie,
I don't think i could have asked for a better sister. no one can compare to how patient and how understanding you have been with me over the years. over the past year i don't think that i have given you enough hugs and kisses. i could never tell you how much you mean to me, but i hope you know i love you with all my heart. I am sorry you have had to see me at my lowest and i've never felt worse for making someone cry. no one deserves to be put through anything like what i put you through. you are such an amazing and strong person and i hope that both of us will be around for a long time. you mean the world to me J and i could never ask for someone better.
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i felt like i needed to get that out. it would probably be better if i could tell her that though, instead of just writing it to myself. i've cried so many nights over that. i feel so horrible and so selfish for what i put my sister through. she should never have to see her little sister lying in a pile of vomit and pills, ready to die. no one should ever have to go through what i put her through. sometimes i feel like i dont do enough for her. how do you repay someone for something like that? how can you make it so it never happened? i hate myself so much because of that. but i dont know how to make it go away. i wish she knew how grateful i am to have her in my life.
she's saved my life more than once.
current mood: guilty
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 18th, 2006
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1:28 am - we all want what we can't have because we don't have the balls to take it.
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she dropped out of high school, only months away from graduating. and she's on the plane tomorrow morning to vancouver.
i finally got a hold of her tonight. i wish i had sooner. she told me tonight on the phone that she regrets dropping out. she regrets buying a plane ticket. i told her she can always stop what she's doing, she doesn't have to go through with all of it. come stay with me for a while. i wish i could have done something. some people... and yes me think, well i could have done something. i could have stopped her. but then i think about it, how was i going to do that, beg her to not go?? i dont think that would have worked. its just one of those times i wish i had taken her and locked her in a room until she was thinking clearly. i love her to death. i used to think she was like me, but now i see us as completely different people. she chose to go the way i used to only think about. she followed through with my dreams when i was her age, a year ago. parts of me say way to go, and then there is the part of me that says how can you do that.
one small part of me says, "i wish that were me."
current mood:  distressed
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