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| 10:34am 23/11/2009 |
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So last night, right as i turned off the computer and was about to go grab a book, steven shuts off the playstation and we start a movie. i did nothing i was supposed to do. like i thought would happen. i have the same intentions this evening. who knows if that'll work out or not. i called the people at the office of my apartment complex, and of course the one and only guy that can help me with this situation, is going to be busy all afternoon. i've left him messages so i'm hoping he see's that as, i'm trying to resolve the situation instead of ignoring it...i hope he calls back today. I hope even more that we don't get evicted. i just looked at my bank account, and i have no idea how, but i've spent $250 dollars in a week. that sucks. tomorrow i'll be able to see what my paycheck will look like. i believe it'll probably be about $300. that still won't cover the growing amount of bills we've acquired...I can't wait until tax time...hopefully everything will get paid off by the beginning of the year next year. i can harldy buy my own kids presents this year...ugh...anyways, i can't stress about that right now...there's no point. i am however going to stop writing in here and try to get some work done by the time my boss gets here. which should be in a few minutes. i ate mcdonalds this morning and i swear, 10 minutes later i'm hungry again...that's how u know it's garbage.. |
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| 09:07pm 22/11/2009 |
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i did NOTHING that i said i was going to do. i didn't clean at all, i didn't read...i spent a little time with jose, i rocked jazlene for a few. but that was it. now i'm here telling you about it. there is something else that happened recently that i really would like to share. but writing it here and having a certain person read it, would be awful...i'll just say this. i made a friend. he's very nice. more interesting than nice. more funny than interesting. i like talking to him. i'll leave it at that. i think i'm gonna grab a book and read something. maybe that'll help with the flow of my writing... |
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| *reminder* |
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| 05:09pm 22/11/2009 |
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relationships are meant to bring out the part of you you'd like to see. being with steven has given me the time and resources to do what i want to do. why am i so afraid to take that time? why am i so afraid of being called selfish? |
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| 04:50pm 22/11/2009 |
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i finished what i needed to finish. i could continue doing work stuff. but i'm not. i have 40 minutes left in my day. what i SHOULD do after work is finish cleaning jose's room, pick up the rest of the house, clean the kitchen, and then read and write for the rest of the evening. here's what i'll probably do instead. go home, attempt at finishing jose's room, attempt at cleaning the rest of the house, then once the kids are asleep, i'll sit on the couch, smoke some weed and try to watch a movie with steven. i say try because i will most likely fall asleep. that will be my evening. as i've been sitting here NOT working, i've been surfing myspace and facebook a little. just seeing what my former classmates have been up to. the ones who i thought would go on to college and become successes have, and the ones that i didn't think would amount to much, haven't. my life is good. it's average. i've got a place, kids, a job, and a boyfriend. but that doesn't seem like it's enough for me. and the part that fucks my head up the most, is that, whether or not i've got the potential, i cannot stand up to outside influences. i'm SO impressionable. and it's like, the only way i can change that, is by changing the people i'm constantly around. how is that possible when they're such a HUGE part of my life? how do you go about being strong minded? is there a trick to it? My best friend tells me that it'll happen once i'm sick of being mediocre. but shit...mediocrity is fucking addicting. and when that's all that's around, it's hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. i also don't want my obligation to these things to distance steven from me, or me from steven. i feel like i've worked pretty hard at getting him and us to be as close as we are. it's basically one, or the other. i can't have both. i already said i'd sacrifice my dreams for him....but how stupid would i be? really...to sacrifice anything for a man, ESPECIALLY a man who hasn't even put a ring on my finger, is just retarded. he is amazing, but the things he does for me won't be hindered because of my writing or reading...will it? i wish i knew where to start from here. i wish i knew someone who i could talk to about this. someone who wants to see me reach my potential. i could try to talk to my father, but he's soooooo practical about things. like, if there's a way, and i see the way, he would tell me to do it, no matter how hard it is, or what stands in my way. it isn't that easy for me. i need to make friends with some authors.... |
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| my story.. |
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| 12:29pm 22/11/2009 |
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i'm a single mother of two working as a bookkepper at a luxury hotel. my dream is to become a published writer. i'm using my job as a bookkeeper to pay my bills, take care of my kids and go to school. in my spare time i clean, play and take care of my kids, work out, and write. i love music also. school is incredibly important to me. writing is incredibly important to me. that's why i have this job. my babies are essential to me like air or food and water. they are the reason i work so hard. them and my heart. my heart would shrivel up and disintegrate if i didn't follow my dreams.. |
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| 10:05am 22/11/2009 |
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i am sooooooooo unfocused at the moment. i'm here at work. both of my bosses are gone. i should totally be worried about being on here because they're watching me very closely to see if i'm doing my job. poppycock. i'm absolutly NOT doing my job. i was pretty aggravated this morning. i wanted to smoke, then steven forgot the weed. since it was already in my head, i felt an extra sense of "i wanna get fucked up this morning". on top of the fact my father told steven not to heat his grand daughters bottle in the microwave. yes it's all kinds of bad...but shit, that steven's daughter. if he wants to heat shit up in a microwave he should be able to do so without a comment from the motherfucking peanut gallery. also, i've learned that i'm just a little bit crazy. the things that go through my mind sometimes are pretty scary. like, when i get upset. since i was aggravated this morning, i didn't care about anyone's feelings and i like to imagine inflicting physical pain on the person whom my disgruntled feelings are aimed towards at the moment. sometimes i imagine those things about the person who's simply closest to me at the moment. anyways, last thursday i said i wasn't going to go out. but i did. i made sure that i watched a movie and read stories with jose before i went, so i could at least say i spent time with him before bed..then i went to kahuna's. i met an interesting boy there. i say boy because that's what he is. a 25 year old boy. i went to highschool with him. he was a senior when i was a freshman and he was a drummer. i was in the flute line. i ended up taking him home. he was interesting to listen to. i thought about him a lot the next day. then not so much after the day was over. i hardley remember things about him. that night was fun though. my mother came, cesar (my poetry buddy) came, and it was fun. steven's sister got her drunk. she was dancing and sweating. ha! you know, i don't even really feel like putting in all of the work writing. because nothing that i have to say is positive. everything is about how fucked up i got over the weekend, how aggravated i am at the lack of weed or cigarettes (still haven't smoked those by the way..and i'm dying at the moment..), or how much my life sucks right now. i got an eviction notice too by the way. i have to call them on monday to see if there's something i can do to work things out with them. awesome huh...i'm tired, and in need of some serious motivation. i need to learn to find that motivation by myself. anyways, i'll re read my entries. maybe that'll give me some motivation... |
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| Saturday |
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| 10:05pm 21/11/2009 |
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I had a hard time deciding what to do with my day today. I finally settled on an invite to go to Sea World with some friends and their kids. After kidnapping a partner in crime, we headed out. Immediately upon arrival we noticed a theme...holiday cheer and all that. And as usual, pictures.




Now I've heard of Scuba Steve...but Scuba Santa? WTF?





Wait...WHAT? Isn't this how you load unruly kids into a car?

Oh...and for sticking around to see 'em all, I've included a bonus. For those of you who know me personally, you might fall out of your chair when you learn that I picked up a CAT at the Humane Society. Cool cat. Friendly as shit. Anyway, this cat has taken to a very entertaining passtime. It enjoys swatting the balls on my little tin doggy. Even though the sound of tin being tapped at three in the morning annoys, it's still worth a sleepy snicker.


Werd. Viola! |
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| 04:26pm 21/11/2009 |
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Joey's birthday. He's going ice-skating with Kyle and Kayla.
i was supposed to go with them, but i got a call from my mom saying that my grandma went into respiratory arrest (whatever that means) and she's in the hospital.
Aunt carm is here to pick me up |
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| 03:54am 21/11/2009 |
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"In your little white wicker chair Unsuspicious nobody cares for you You’re so fucked up again You laugh at nothin’ in the pouring rain Try to tell yourself you’re not insane You fool, I hate you sometimes
Hey, you know it ain’t coincidental that you’re lost in place It’s drippin’ off your face, and you’re losin’ your precious mind
Send me a postcard if you get that far You got a couple pennies in your rusty jar The truth you’ve been gone for awhile It’s hard lookin’ at you when you look that way With your one night stands and your sleep all days Ooh you’re such a slut sometimes
Hey, you know it ain’t coincidental that you’re lost in place It’s drippin’ off your face, and you’re losin’ your precious mind
You’re losing your mind" |
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| work bullshit is occupying my mind.i |
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| 01:01am 21/11/2009 |
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Wearing ripped jeans and a scarf reminds me of high school.
"i remember you.. so remember me.. as i was back then.. in my ripped blue jeans. moments ago.. it seems to me.. that we were just kids in a memory"
i look kind of hot.
But i feel so fat.
i'm so determined to be the great manager and make Deonna be happy about staying that i ate Domino's lol.
Tom told us that he eaves-dropped on Dee and Cristin talking.. and Joy gave her two weeks.
i love how i'm not informed of anything.
Lewis might even get the assistant manager job. i'll be pissed if he gets it. i mean, i'm not planning on sticking around forever, but i DO give a damn, and i've been a slave for over two years.. the least they could do is make me official full time.. get me a raise and some better paid days off. Not like i'd use them if it wasn't convenient anyway. Hopefully, i'll leave by August, and he can have the job.
If i felt more appreciated, i might try a little harder. I was so excited for Dee to leave, i wanted to see what it would be like if Joy was "general Joy" (as Jeremy would say) again. Plus, i feel like Joy is the only one of them that truly appreciates me. I mean, Cristin and Dee love the fact that i'll come in early or stay late, or cover or switch with them in general. But from the get-go.. Joy understood me.
Cristin and i went to get coffee and breakfast about a week ago. Neen started working at my store.. weird.. but we needed people. i asked Cristin how it went the day before, cause Neen was supposed to fill out paperwork. She said Neen seemed nervous, but she was pissed that Joy was working. Because she scares away the new people. She even said that she thinks Cassandra stopped showing up because she worked with Joy lol.
I think out of everybody lately, i had the least traumatizing "joy" experience.
I started working, greeting being my training experience. Because i actually read the training manual.. i was suspicious of everyone.
It was maybe my third day.. and i went up to Dee and said "Who is that lady? And why is she here all the time? She can't just be shopping!"
That's when Dee said "That's Joy! I never introduced you two?" She was polite, said hello, then got back to work.
I was actually recommended to my store by a "friend", Alex. She wasn't maliscious on purpose, she was actually really nice to me. She just hooked up with Dane and Frank both.. and was best friends with Sue.. the girl Dane cheated on me with.. and didn't like the fact that Frank wasn't available when she came home from school one winter. She actually gave him a warning that i was known for "being completely into a man, then losing interest like that."
But she gave me the best advice i could have gotten: "That's just Joy. She doesn't hate you. She's just not sure if she trusts or likes you yet."
Later that week, Joy gave me a ride home. Cause i was living right on River Road.. and we closed together. She told me not to mind the fork in her car. She told me she brought pasta to work tlast week, and didn't have a fork.. So she ate it with her fingers. Now she keeps a fork in her car.
I got home, Alex came over sometime soon afterwards, and i told her what Joy told me... and still asked if she was sure that Joy didn't hate me.
Alex goes: "JOY TOLD YOU THAT SHE ATE PASTA WITH HER HANDS?! i think she'd probably want you to keep that a secret. But wow, she likes you"
Joy is probably the most germaphobic persom i've ever met. i figured that out later.
EVERYONE thinks Joy hates them. People just handle it differently.
idk how long i can stick around without her.
Lewis is new and so slow.. and by the book (HE COUNTS THE EXTRA REGISTER!).. and salesman-like.
When someone walks in the store.. we're supposed to greet them and inform them of the current promotion. Cheesy, yes. But generally, it's where the "weekend days off" brownie points really come into play.
My average greeting: "Hey guys! Hows it goin? Just to let you know, all the jeans are on sale today for $29.99 and less!"
Lewis's greeting: "Hello folks, and welcome to DKNY Jeans. All of our denim is $29.99, and our sweaters are at the same price."
It seriously ticks me off. We don't make commission, and i don't want our customers to think that we do. He sounds like we're in the business of cars, houses, and life insurance. No.. we sell sweaters and jeans.
The only time that i do a good job, is when i treat the customers as friends, and not as potential money. |
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| 'Tis The Season |
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| 06:28pm 20/11/2009 |
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It's growing cold enough to justify this. In with the new.
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| 01:21am 20/11/2009 |
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When my mom started talking, i thought she died.
She's still alive, but she stopped swallowing today. That's why my mom called me. She ate breakfast with my mom. But she didn't eat lunch. My mom went back for dinner, and made her eat a few forkfulls. A week from monday, she cried. She was looking at my mom, and she fucking cried. From both eyes. She knows she's dieing.
And my mom called to ask if i thought she should tell her that it was okay.. and ask if i wanted to be there.
My mom really pisses me off when she's drunk. i try talkiing about my grandma, and she talks about herself. Still, the woman is there for my grandma more than anyone, and she really deserves appraisal for it, that i haven't quite given to her yet.
Well over a year ago, she was given 4 months to live. She was my biggest fan.
My mom made sure to mention that in excess tonight. I was grandma's pride ad joy. Mom told me that i was what made her the happiest. Not only was i her favorite.. and closest grandchild.. i was also the daughter of her favorite, closest child, her baby.
I have to do something good for myself. I have to make grandma proud.
Also, she always said she'd be around to see me marry a good man. She was gonna give me away, rather than my dad.. My mom always thought she'd do it.. but grandma and i had prior arrangements.
Grandma wanted to see me marry frank. But she still knew i was too complicated for that. One day.
I'm going to let her slide on her promise. I always banked on it.. she wouldn't leave me alone. She wasn't gonna bail out without my aknowlegement. But she wants out, I have to promise that i'll be okay without her. I'm gonna do okay. Honestly, all that isn't even bugging me as much as thinking what she'd say about my joey life.
I even said to Joey a few days ago "my grandma would probably really hate you if she knew you"
Saturday is his birthday. I'm off. I want to be available all day. But i want to see my grandma. She takes priority over everything in my life.
i love my grandma... and she knows how special i am.
i need to tell her i'll be okay. i'll marry a guy like Frank (i hope to god its the real Frank), and i'm never going to end up with a man that hit me, like Joey. |
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| i just accidentally deleted my entry. i'm pissed. |
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| 10:51pm 19/11/2009 |
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mood:  contemplative
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Theres a homeless guy that stands outside of Hess. he asks for money and cigarettes. I call him my friend. It sterted a few months ago with a "do you think you could spare a cigarette?" here and there. i gave it to him of course. Then it stopped. i assume that he didn't want to abuse my kindness, or he was ashamed, or thought i might get mad. So i started asking if he needed one. One day, he said he had cigarettes, but could really use like a dollar. I gave it to him. He said he'd pay me back. i told him not to worry.. and maybe one day i'd ask him to buy me some beer if joey wasn't home. Since then, i gave him some change, and a dollar here and there. i figure.. if the man needs booze, i can understand that. One night, i was lonely. i think Joey was out fucking something. And i needed something from Hess. i walked down there, and he asked if i could spare some money. His doctor told him he could only really drink water, so he was trying to get a bottle of seltzer for some excitement. Obviously not an alcoholic. So i assumed crackhead, though most of the crackheads that i know don't care what their doctor says. I went home, grabbed by bowl and pot, and walked back.. and asked if he wanted to get high. i mean, sure.. he's a grown man.. and hiding out behind Hess probably isn't the safest thing to do with him.. but i trust him. Plus, i always have something i can use as a weapon. Yet, he said he doesn't smoke pot. i mean, i've known a crackhead or two that won't smoke pot, but he really doesn't fit the profile. One night, he told me he had just got a cell phone. We exchanged numbers, incase we ever needed eachother. After some time.. once i realized that he wasn't going anywhere, i stopped offering, and just talked to him when i saw him. Instead of saying "do you need a cigarette?" i replaced it with "hows it going tonight, man? everything okay?" He hasn't asked me for anything in a while. One night, i saw him as i was walking in.. and we said hello.. mentioned thwe weather, i asked if he was okay. He said he was fine. I walked out at the same time as this big black guy. Yet, the black guy turns to my friend, and reaches in his pocket, and hands my friend some chnge. The man says "it's only cause Michael Jackson is on the radio". He didn't ask me for anything. After the guy walked away, i asked "whats up, man? you need some money?" Last night, Joey and i pulled up to Hess, and i spotted him going through the ashtrays. I pretended i didn't know he was there on my way in. Kind of as an experiment. On my way out, i made my small talk.. including my question. He just stood there, said he was fine.He pretended he wasn't looking through the ashtrays til i left. I just went to hess a few minutes ago. He was there. I made my small talk with him on my way in. As i was leaving, i asked again "So, how is everything, man? Everything okay tonight?" He responds "well, i could really use a buck or something". I was legitly broke.. but i knew i had a dollar and some change in my coat pocket. i may have had another dollar in my wallet, maybe. i gave him the $1.35 in my coat. he thanked me, then said "i still owe you $5.50, now plus this. i'll have it for you on the first of the month"
So what do i do when he tries to pay me back? i don't want it.. but i don't want him to think i'm loaded.. or too good for 7 bucks.
Fuck.. my mom just called.. its about my grandma. i have to go |
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| 12:04pm 19/11/2009 |
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lunch break again. sometimes this is the only time that i get to write anything. today i've been really really good. i woke up at 6:30, and went to the gym. i worked out for about 45 minutes. nothing too heavy. i'm still tobacco free. all it's taking for me is extreme self control..because most of the time i want to suppliment the lack of nicotine with food. but i haven't done that either. Work is going well. today i'm determined NOT to surf the web while i'm here. i want to get as much done as humanly possible in the time that i'm here. i have to leave early because i was early today and i stayed late yesterday. my boss is no longer allowing me to receive overtime whenever i want anymore. that's fine. i'm going to continue to do my best here. i've spent too long doing things half assed, totally taking advantage of the opportunities this job has given me, and i don't want to do that anymore. i don't want to constantly be worried about losing my job. so, i will do better. i am doing better. i will continue to do better. i haven't had a drink either. i'm not trying to quit or anything, i just don't want to get wasted and spend money all the time. tonight is usually the night that i go to a specific bar, because it's ladies night there. i think i'll pass this week. spend some time with Jose tonight. Put on a kid friendly movie. i love that little boy so damn much..anyways, there really isn't much more to say at the moment. i'll probably update again tonight. maybe then with something a little deeper than this... |
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| 11:45pm 18/11/2009 |
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mood:  loved
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Fucking.. my life is in pieces.. but people have been great.
Even Scott Berglin called me today. he said he missed me. He's dumber than rocks.. and by "misses".. he means that he wants to get fucked up and wants something funny to happen. But still.. he said he wants to chill and will even come pick me up one day for me to come party at his house.
Ew.. i almost took a sip of joey's milk, thinking it was my rum & coke.
I talked to Tony for a while last night. And i got to play man. I figured out the game plan and strategy. Now i know i'm nothing but a booty call and friend. i just needed to know that he felt the same. It was fun though. It was like 3 am and he was saying how he weas spoiled by me being down the street.
i felt the need to say that i could understand, but couldn't relate. because i always had ass down the street. i just let myself in. into the house, into the bed.
Joey was sleeping. I had a feeling that he wasn't into fucking me.. but idk.. i like him somehow. I started touching and playing with his dick and sucking it while he was sleeping. It got hard & he woke up, hard enough to make me want to jump on it. He started shifting.. i thought it was to get ready for fucking. It wasn't. He was going back to sleep. He wrapped himself around for me for a hot 5 minutes or so.. then i made him move. i grabbed my dilldo and went away at myself after my hurt feeling passed.
i woke up at 8:30.. he was already gone by an hour.. and i played with myself again. and again. and again.
Later, he asked me what i dreamed about. I thought it was a strange question.. i just figured i did something funny in my sleep.
At my mom's. i'm guessing a holiday. i'm still with frank, but he's getting sick of me. My mom's kicking aunt lisa out, and making more rooms. i have a choice of what room i want. It feels like such an intense question. In the dream, there are two rooms in the basement (one a community fuck up room.. as the really old basement bedroom used to be) that i don't want at all.. another.. a "chill.. smoke pot and drink beer, and watch cable reruns and play video games" room. I'm somewhat partial to it. My mom's bedroom is still shared with my dad, however. Weird dream. No Scotty. Secretly, that's the room i want. Aunt lisa's room (the green room) is just bigger. Better bed, bigger closet, just real secluded from the rest of the house., also calling to me. The other room (the pink room) down the hall.. the room i spent the most years in.. I still couldn't get rid of it. Everything was in there. My closet connected to my first bedroom , and closet. Infinite possibilities. Plus, i got to see the social scene out my window. And met up with past friends that way, though not shannon. My roof became a balcony. Also, we got an attic. But that was also mine. And the hallway.. across from my bathroom, were two other bathrooms. Don't ask me why. i like showers when i'm dreaming, and i especially love masturbationg in them in my dreams.
sadly, i also dreamt about having to take a test back at my high schoool.
and i dreamt that i broke into dane's parents house again. idk why i always do that. sure he has a nice place.. but all i ever do is let myself in and try to not get caught. maybe do laundry. its gay.
i also dreamt about black friday.
And people not appreciating me.
And going on vacation. I always dream about vacation. I'd love to find this place. I always dream about this water park. its nothing special. At all.. as a matter of fact.. i barely remember any dreams that i rode the rides. I always think i'm in the keys.. but someone always corrects me.
Every time i dream about freedom, however, i have this dream that i'm on a raft. The water's rough.. and it's keeping me in place. i'll be fine. But i know i'm supposed to be somewhere else. I know i need something more. yet, i always lose someone i care about in that place. i'll be fine if i get through the drop.
i even had a dream about the house we're living in. those always freak me out. We're always expanding the place, and Charlie and his dad, Chris, are always there.
He asked. i wrapped it up quick.. then i asked what he dreamt about.
His response: "when the alarm went off?? bunny."
bunny is bri anna.. frank's little wsister. fuck my life.
no wonder he wadsn't horny for me |
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| 12:04pm 18/11/2009 |
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i'm here at work, on my lunch break. i decided to stay at my desk and write instead of going to the cafeteria to eat. i'm feeling a little insecure about my relationship today. i don't know how to stop making his happiness so completely essential to mine. and i don't know how to stop being suspicious of every little damn thing. even if he IS hiding something, i don't want to care. i want to view things with a "no expectation" kind of perspective. it's incredibly hard for me for some reason. i expect so much. today he sounds like he's having a bad day. instinctually i think it's because of me, because i'm always correcting and criticizing the way he does things with my son. then he made me the eggs i asked for but added a sandwich to the menu and i looked at him like he was retarded and said "omg how long have you known me now?! i don't eat this much..." he looked taken aback. i felt bad. i apologized through a text for both incidences. i'm sure he'd say it was okay and that he didn't care, but i care for him. i'm eating the sandwich now..it's really good...anyways, i need therapy and i can't afford it. i need to learn how to put in to practice what i already know a hell of a lot more consistantly. For instance, i know that when it comes to relationships, the tighter you try to hold on, the less likely it is that you will. the more i fear losing him, the more i push him away. I also know that relationships were put in place by God in order to assist us in our growth as individuals. we are meant to take what we are meant to learn, and move on with it. I think you know that it's time to move on, when things become blatantly uncomfortable. i've based my ideas about relationships on these quotes from the book "Conversations with God."
The purpose of a relationship is to decide what part of yourself you’d like to see “show up,” not what part of another you can capture and hold. There can be only one purpose for relationships—and for all of life: to be and to decide Who You Really Are.
Let each person in relationship worry about Self—what Self is being, doing, and having; what Self is wanting, asking, giving; what Self is seeking, creating, experiencing, and all relationships would magnificently serve their purpose—and their participants!
For most people, love is a response to need fulfillment. Everyone has needs. You need this, another needs that. You both see in each other a chance for need fulfillment. So you agree—tacitly—to a trade. I’ll trade you what I’ve got if you’ll give me what you’ve got. It’s a transaction. But you don’t tell the truth about it. You don’t say, “I trade you very much.” You say, “I love you very much,” and then the disappointment begins.
For centuries you have been taught that love-sponsored action arises out of the choice to be, do, and have whatever produces the highest good for another. Yet I tell you this: the highest choice is that which produces the highest good for you.
What you do for your Self, you do for another. What you do for another, you do for the Self. This is because you and the other are one. And this is because...there is naught but You.
i need to read these to remind myself that whatever is going on with him, whether he chooses to make it about me or not, it isn't. what is in his heart and mind belongs to him, not me. his choices and actions aren't dictated by thoughts of me. they're his. that's the way it's supposed to be. i can't be concerned 24 hours a day for my relationship, or steven. i just can't. i'll go crazy. so i need to conciously re-focus my attention on myself. doing what's best for me will ultimately be what's best for my children. we'll all be a little happier if i can just...lighten up. |
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| Decisions...Decisions... |
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| 08:41am 18/11/2009 |
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I need a new couch set...but i'm too lazy to drive to San Antonio to find them. This weekend would be perfect for such an excursion. Alas, I think I'd rather go camping.
I really need a new couch set. |
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Read 6 - Post |
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| i owe facebook a friendship |
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| 02:49am 18/11/2009 |
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wow.. so nicole and i are friends again i guess. idk what to say about it.
i want to say that i just want to talk to her about and say everything, but its weird, because we haven't talked in so long. but she already said that.
is it possible that we understand and respect eachother?
tony is back from peurto rico. and apparently, he didn't sign off. gotta go. |
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Read 4 - Post |
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| Defensive Driving |
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| 08:38pm 17/11/2009 |
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I'm not too sure about you, my road made for two. |
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| no subject |
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| 09:35pm 17/11/2009 |
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mood:  content
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so today is my third day in a row working out. and my second day tobacco free. i feel accomplished. especially because i've chosen to be focused on how quiting, and working out will benefit me in the future. everytime i've tried i've lost sight of that fact. i'm always on the search for that instant gratification. quick fix..that's why usually i can't manage to find the discipline to want to continue once i've started. but i'm determined to keep this up. i feel better and i'm happier and my mind is soooooo much clearer. i haven't stopped smoking weed. but i think i'm going to try to stop smoking by myself, and only make a it a "if it's around i'll do it" kind of thing. for instance, i'll smoke with steven. and if M wants to come here and smoke me out, by all means, come! smoke me out for free! but to go out of my way, and take time out of my day to do it by myself, i'd rather not. then i'd never work out. i really need to save smoking for after i've done the things that i need to do. ugh...that's so much easier said than done...but making improvement and proving to myself that i can do something and actually stick with it, is really really important to me. i don't want to lose focus anymore. i don't want to feel "clogged" or scattered anymore. i don't know how many times i have to hit the bottom in order for me to stay towards the top. anyways, i'm motivated, determined, focused on my goals. it feels good to be here. good to finally be able to take a deep breathe and smile at what life has to offer up. anyways, it's movie time. |
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