| I am a bad girl. And i am feeling so hot right now. |
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| 03:52am 08/11/2009 | |||||
 I was off yesterday.. i started seriously drinking shortly after my last entry. i was good. i think i poured my 1st drink after 2:30 pm. but thats not what i want to write about. Joey came home, we chilled.. Kyle came over. Joey mentioned doing the extacy he had left.. But it's a gell coated powder. So we each licked our finger and rubbed it under our tongue, and followed it ith a swig of something. Kyle was also eating those legal mushrooms that they picked, along with it. Also, there was some E left, so i made him snort it. Cause i don't snort.. And Joey seemed to be done for the night. Kyle left. cause he was feelin the e.. and i later found out that he was horny. I went for a coke run with Joey, and i can't remember for the life of me.. Where we went. All i remember is Joey saying something like: "Ron told me that hott bitch's been askin about me" I told him to bring me home... So he could go out. He said he'd rather spend his time with me. It made me kind of happy, but i want more. Kayla, kyle's girlfriend (who looks like the sister in the PBS show "arthur") made him drive out to center morriches before telling him that she wouldn't see him that night. So he came back.. We smoked so much weed last night (well.. he did. I let him have at it. I prob owe him that much anyhow over the years lol). Joey apparently fell asleep while we were still watching "The Chaos Theory" with Val Kilmer (one of Joey's idol's). It must have been during that movie, that he suggested rolling a joint. Then.. Once again, it was his idea to do shotties. I almost feel like he needed to know as bad as i did.. that he was as honest to god attracted to me.. as i am to him. After he kissed me.. i stepped off and asked about kayla. I can't see them together for any reason at all.. but she's nice. He stopped and thought about it for a second, and i asked why he'd still hook up with me. His response was "i think you're kinda cute, autumn." He kept kissing and touching me. So i let him. We made out all night. He left at like 4:10 AM. We were outside for a while too.. trying not to be seen by Joey. I was wearing flip flops, and apparently it was like 29 degrees. But his hands all over my body made me so hot. After last night, i feel like i could have made a river. he toldme that he usually doesn't like really skinny girls. but i think i may have changed his mind, last night. he had his hands all over me, and he said that "i feel good" Icase the situtaion wasn't clear, Kyle is supposed to be off limits. The day that Neen invited me over Frank's house, when she moved in there, Kyle and Frank picked me up. I wanted Neen. But she wanted Kyle. And his illnesses were extremely overplayed. By the way she blew me off.. i seriously thought he was dieing. Everything was gravy. neen was crazy.. i chose her side anyway.. and when Jill (Frank's x became his new girlfriend.. i knew things were crazy. Jill, Lindsay, and I are the only people to know about his bulemia.. i feel like Jill told kyle. Still.. i may be tthe only person that cares that knows that frank's dad is a crack head. Jill's out of the picyure, but there are still people that don't want us together whatsoever. I need to sleep. I want money, damnit. The only thing that makes me happy about nweekends is the breakfast. i don't have money for it right now. BUT I WANT BREAKFAST |
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| here i am... |
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| 09:26pm 06/11/2009 | |||||
| there isn't a day that goes by, a moment, a breath, where i don't think about it. it is the oldest battle, and the longest war that has faced man-kind since the beginning of time. the constant struggle of an addict. I live day to day wishing for just one more hit, one more drink, one more cigarette all the while hearing in my subconcious, the sweet voices of my children and their innocent request for my attention. but as i inhale the smoke, snort that line, drink from that bottle, and pop those pills, the voices get fainter and fainter until the drugs are the only thing i hear. once the fog clears, i see my babies in the distance, and wonder how i could hurt them any worse than i already have. | |||||
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| Quick note.. |
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| 01:51pm 06/11/2009 | |||||
It was the sort of situation that.. When i decided to tell an old friend of ours from elementary school that we used to make out and play with eachother.. lol.. in the locker room.. on sleepovers.. under the bridge on the playground. His response was (paraphrasing) "EVERYONE HAS FANTASIZED ABOUT THAT! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE WISHED THEY KNEW THIS WAS GOING ON?" And its true.. children would have payed to see that child porn. I know i'm still the better choice.. i mean.. all her clothes were armani and bebe and coach, and i'm guessing all the tanning is wearing on her.. she's looking really old. Her skin looks like a workboot. Only.. she's skinny. Really skinny. Much skinnier than i am at the moment. And i think that's my motivation to stop being a fucking heffer all the time. I can totally get skinnier than her. I was skinnier than her two months ago.. and i'll do it again. :-) I hate when people are skinnier than me. |
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| I should be cleaningggg... |
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| 12:54pm 06/11/2009 | |||||
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Kyle and i took a big step in our friendship today lol.. We exchanged numbers. I am so retarded lol. He didn't know that i already had his, from when it was Frank's phone. He facebook messaged me.. i told him i was goin to the laundrymat.. but we could chill out and get stoned together afterwards. Then he said to call him when i'm done to see if he's around. I did call, but to tell him not to worry about the ride, cause the bus would come any second. I woke up at like 6:15 this morning, and couldn't fall back to sleep. I was stressing so hard about money. Rent's due this paycheck, and i was supposed to pay part of my LIPA bill last week, but i couldn't, and i was worried about how much i'd have to pay this week. Along with still affording weed. It all worked out.. I finally found that bill, and the due date was only like last week. Also, apparently they felt bad that they smashed 5 months of bills on me at once, and set me up with a payment plan. I didn't know that they do that lol. So i only payed $75, and a lil more every month. LIPA is really nice people. Now all i have to worry about is controlling myself the rest of the week.. cause i have like $40 left. And hoping to god that my phone doesn't get shut off before i can promise verizon to pay them next week. And hope that my gas bill isn't overdue yet. However, by the time i pay those off, i'll have another month's bills to pay. i'm wondering when the hell i'll be able to send aunt carm a check to start paying her back for my deposit. It's been like 9 months, and i still owe her the whole $650 i borrowed. Fuck my life. Also, i owe my mom $310 (i believe). I don't feel super guilty about that one.. i mean.. i never asked for that much. Plus, she spent that $800 (or whatever it totalled) from the money she put aside for me from my "rent" when i lived there.. so i can "get a car or pay a deposit for a place". And i have been kind of gyped lately.. On a I did laundry today. It's gay getting there early, cause it throws off my whole routine. I always throw the clothes in the wash, then go to Wendy's. But when i go early, i walk outside.. and realize that they don't open until 11. Today, that was exactly when my clothes would be ready for the dryer. I had 20 minutes. So i went behind the building and smoked some pot by the dumpsters. Put the clothes in the dryer, and went. Risky.. there's no locks on the dryers lol. Wendy's is always so weird there in the afternoon. It's a steady flow of highschoolers on their lunch break. And they're all so well dressed and trendy lol. I ate, took a hit in the restroom, and made my getaway. Hopped the bus back, and here i am. |
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| Road Way |
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| 08:50am 06/11/2009 | |||||
 If the road I have been on has led me to this place, then perhaps it's time for me to quit questioning the direction I've taken. Change has always been bittersweet for me, an admitted creature of habit. But for as much as I resist change, I also welcome it and the core-shaking nature inherent in transition. A suppression of emotions and acknowledgements led me to a massive "nervous breakdown" back in July/August. When I hit rock bottom and felt lost in the abyss, I also looked up from that rotten, fuckshit place and realized that I placed myself there. I rallied, and rallied hard as fuck, pulling myself up and out of that place of pathetic weakness, back to something resembling appreciation for being alive. For anyone who has been there, you can understand the difficulty in picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and beginning anew. Falling into that emotional hole was just what I needed. It was a reminder. It was a reminder of the value of life and the benefit of a positive outlook. Even as my life couldn't get any easier, I allowed myself to backstep into a deadfall. I had to learn how to stand up again. I was reminded of how easy it is for someone who (unnaturally) battles their status quo to succumb to the trials of life-changing events. Sometimes I feel as if I'm not built for this, this ever present intention to challenge complacency. Then I remember one simple fact: I have ONE shot at this life. So this is how a hardcore street urchin willingly trades in his Gibsons for the manly comfort of pull-on boots. Oh, this is not to be confused with a hit to character, but rather a refinement of sorts. I have not given up on where I came from. I have simply aged, matured, and opened myself up to another facet of living. I can honestly say that I am very different from the person I was ten years ago, and have become content with the fact that the next ten years could easliy hold even more change. I've learned to embrace my place, physically, geographically, and emotionally. I'm figuring out how to age gracefully, an increasingly difficult transition for a modern man who has become reliant on advertised experience, rather than that which builds him up from within. I'm more of a fan of manhood now that I ever really was. I'm opening myself up to the things that forge and mill me rather than stamp and mass produce me. Sure, some of these things are considered politically incorrect by today's standards, but that's precisely why I will embrace them fiercely. This is why I saunter down the road less travelled. It took me this far. Why turn now?  |
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| Laugh at life. |
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| 09:45pm 05/11/2009 | |||||
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I lost my keys in the store yesterday. I freaked out for a bit.. then decided that i didn't care. If i didn't find them and got fired, it was god's plan. I was suppposed to be in at 3.. but i got there at like 1:20 to start looking for them. they were under a box, on top of another. I found them at 2. So i lolly gagged around tanger for an hour. I fixed my makeup in the bathroom, where i met a crazy lady with a dog named Chewbacca. I asked her to take a picture for him.. For Blake. I wen't to Clementines.. and i saw a really cute magnet that i wanted to get for Joey. It read "I love you more than i did yesterday.. Because yesterday.. You really ticked me off." but i'm trying to conserve my money. So i went to payless, and fell in love with a pair of boots and a huge pair of "hide my pupils and blood-shot eyes" sunglasses. But i didn't buy them.. conserving money :-(. I went back in front of my store.. to chill and smoke a cigarette before i went in. That boy, from Le Creuset was sitting on the bench.. so i went and sat next to him. I talked to him for a while, and found out that his name is Greg, and he lives really close to me. I think he got scared when he heard that i'm 20. Whatever. He doesn't seem confident enough anyway. Joey's home. |
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| just feeling like.. |
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| 09:01pm 04/11/2009 | |||||
| AHHHHHHHH! | |||||
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| 07:23pm 04/11/2009 | |||||
Right now.. i feel like going back in time.. And throwing up everything i've eaten for the past month and a half. Joey sucks, honestly. He either knows, or he's trying to get me to confess. Everytime someone mentions bulemia on tv or whatever.. he always has a comment to me.. like "is that how it makes you feel?" He always had anorexic comments.. But this only started when he caught me that day. Yet.. He only had an idea that he caught me.. and i played stupid. Now.. i'm so fucking afraid that he'll find out and talk to me about it. Why doesn't he just leave me be? He's always there when i'm hungry. Can't he just play dead after i eat? We all know he likes the skinny bitches anyway. Who cares how i got that way? I have to pee so fucking bad. |
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| 12:45pm 02/11/2009 | |||||
 "The muscle i hustle is real for my friends, but the muscle i keep for myself is pretend" I wanna start drinking. But once i start, i can't stop. So if i were to start drinkin now, and still be up drinking later.. i'd either need a nap.. or beer. We just have liquor. Plus, i'm almost out of pot. I've been a mess lately, so it's probably for the best anyway. Maybe i'll just have one. Today's afternoon delight. I'm really not in the mood to cry. I feel like shit. But i don't want to start crying, for once. Ha ha.. We watched The Devil's Rejects on Halloween. It was my first time ever paying attention to it.. and it rocked my world. Yeah.. i know that's a little scary.. But it's funny too.. Apparently, i'm sicker than i thought :-). Since i watched it, i've felt a little bit more like the old, vulgar Autumn. She's fun. I wish she could be recorded. She says the most ridiculous, distorted things. Last night, i said it seems like every time that Joey gets a compliment, his dick grows an extra inch. Sweet autumn wouldn't form that sentence lol. Her mind just wouldn't go there quickly enough for me to say it. i had so much fun at Wendy's last night with Deonna. We went after work, cause she wanted a Frosty. And i always want Wendy's. I took the seat facing the hottie. Probably a high school hottie, but he had facial hair. unfortunately, The screen was right in my way.. so we could barely make eye contact. But it was cool. I let my stalker out, and just watched his reflection in the window. We talked about stalkers for a bit. I told her about how i started dating Mark by stalking him. Erick would have been a fun story, but it's kind of long, and hard to tell it so she'd understand. She's such a big baby, i'm seriously shocked by how well we get along. She's always telling me to be careful, and telling me that the decisions i make are dumb and dangerous. Usually, i get really pissed off at people like that. Idk though.. I've almost made it a game to shock her with my tales, then make her see it as funny as i do. Like the tanger guy! The tall skinny black guy! My guess is not africa black, more like haiti or jamaica black lol. Blah blah.. the guy calls me "hot coffee" or "coffee" for short.. err.. cause i always have coffee. A few days ago (oct 30), i was walkin to the food court, and he drove by on his little golf kart and gave me a ride lol. We made plans for the next day to find somewhere to hide, and he'd smoke me up with some haze lol. I had to go to work early, so i didn't get to.. but i know we're gonna blaze sometime soon lol. When i told Deonna.. i basically got a "wtf.. you're dumb". Gradually, she started laughing about it. Then, last night.. one of the karts drove by with their little yellow lights on.. and when i pointed out that i was taken for a ride on one of those.. I knew i won. I'm wearing Joey's t shirt. I put it on last night. It occurred to me that i don't think i've ever worn his clothes. And i wanted to. I don't think he liked it, but that's okay. What i really wanted.. was to wear him. Not in a cut off your face and make a mask out of it.. more like.. "may i borrow your skin for a few hours?". I smell him all around me I wish i was prettier. And today, i'm wishing that i would have waited for college before living my lifestyle. I'm twenty years old, and i don't have my liscence. Because i'm drunk all the time. It's just kinda gay.. cause it's not like i can just give up on myself. I'm not smokin crack.. and i control my drinking most of the time. Sure, i get the shakes sometimes, but i'm not ruining my life. I'm just making it harder than it had to be.  ugly |
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| 03:10pm 01/11/2009 | |||||
| I didn't sleep one wink last night. I'm paying for it today... | |||||
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| 01:13am 01/11/2009 | |||||
I have no company. I thought i was with Joey and Kyle for the night... but i think i'm just getting old I've been noticeing a lot of that lately. Thinking i was set for the night.. A bit more chillin.. Maybe sex.. Then sleep time. Then Joey says "So.. What do you want to do tonight?" And i know he's going out lol. One day, i plan to be over him. Today.. And yesterday.. And the day before.. Wasn't the day. He's so fucking sexy.. i have a hard time acting normal in front of guests because of it. Lol.. I don't think it's the case.. but i thought it was noteworthy.. Maybe i'm just acting funny tonight.. Cause the guest was Kyle. i always act funny.. but still.. omg.. he's so fucking strong. i have to shut up. i wanna fuck joey tonight.  I've been thinking lately.. And i think that if i could call Joey "mine".. And know it was true.. I'd actually be happy. I am happy with him. And i believe he's happy with me.. Then "man" takes over. I'm not the best trophy to show off. I'm a tiny, honest, easy-going, independant, hard workin', smokin', drinkin', redneck at heart. Also, i think that even the things that most men find attractive about that.. May be problems with me. I work a lot.. and i don't fix my appearance forEVER. Also, along with independance.. comes pride (in my situation). Makes me seem like an idiot sometimes. Also, just for the record.. I drink like a sailor. And i get some sort of internal happiness that i can't explain when i get real shitfaced and fuck up my life. Well.. not happiness.. just humor. I mean.. sometimes i can drink all night.. and feel fine. But there are times that i want to get shit faced.. and have a retarded story to tell.. and i do. if i want to.. i just do it I smell like pumpkin. "You laugh at nothing in the pouring rain.. You try to tell yourself your not insane." |
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blah| I'm pissed that i can't add music to this.. i probably can when i'm sober though. |
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| 11:50pm 30/10/2009 | |||||
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My job is gay. Really gay.. but i've been cool with it lately. We can't hire any good people.. So i worked 6 days this week. But i don't care. I'm actually getting overtime this week. I'll take the cash. When i think about working when i'm not supposed to.. My initial reaction is "fuck that shit". Then, i think about what i'd be doing if i wasn't at work. Joey just got home.. i should have written here first.. but no.. i wanted music. it's cool. I'll figure it out. Or i'll find a new place to write. All is fun. Happy mischief night, all. I hope it feels more like Halloween to everyone else than it does to me. |
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| 02:13am 30/10/2009 | |||||
Joey and i have been living together for like.. 8 months now. We just finally got the internet. Things have certainly been intersting. Nothing too spectacular. Since i last wrote, i got kicked out of my mom's and crashed in my dad's bedroom above a bar for a few weeks. For real, a bedroom. That's where he lived. There were like seven 12'X10' bedrooms equipped with bathrooms, all lined up, connected by a porch. All this, above a shithole bar in my home town called "The Fisherman's Quarters", yet referred to by the locals as "The Dirty Fish". it was just lovely. I got to sleep on my blanket on the floor next to his bed. Fun fun. Fortunately, just as my dad was being evicted, Joey and i found this place. it's rough, we share a bed and all, but it beats the alternative. Actually, the past couple days have been pretty great. I've been so attracted to him, lately. And i guess i'm not smothering or anything. Today, i was talking to Camelia, and i realized how much my tastes have changed. I used to love the tall, blue eyed, big, muscular, even chubby guys. Yet, when i think of how sexy Joey feels in my arms, i can't imagine holding anyone like that anymore. Honestly, talking about it makes me want to fall asleep next to him right now. I only wish that his shirt was off so i could feel his skin. I hope he knows that he's beautiful. |
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drained| btw... |
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| 11:59pm 27/10/2009 | |||||
| today...i've eaten...two of those energy drink beers...12% alcohol content...good shit...i'm a bit hungry now...matter of fact, why am i frontin....i'm fucking starving...right now, i acknowledge that i'm starving, and i'm refusing food regardless. i don't want to be fat anymore...i will starve if i have to. just so maybe, i'd feel a little more secure about him not leaving me...i know...i'm a mess....i still hate them being here though. that should have nothing to do with this entry...but i mean....it sucks...so i gotta say it...one more time.... | |||||
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| 11:54pm 27/10/2009 | |||||
| they're only this happy at night time....after they've smoked weed and the work day is done. it's cool...don't know why that's strange to me... but i do ask myself...why can't they be this happy during the day? why can't they get along this well before after and during work? i mean, after a day at work, i come happy as fuck...loving and talkative as hell. now, they're happy. they still suck at taking care of they're kid. they should put the effort of having happy attitudes towards watching and taking care of this little girl...cuz she's bad...really really bad. they don't do shit...they call steven like she came from his nut sacks.....that irritates me. they irritate me.. | |||||
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| 11:30pm 27/10/2009 | |||||
| i mean...they're arguing about where to sit on the couch...no one wants to sit by me, so they're upset at one another for not moving to the middle of the couch. now they're both on the edge of the couch. i mean...that's stupid. but it's cool. now they're whispering...okay. i mean, they're always encouraging me to be honest....actually now that i've been paying a little more attention, i think that it's just the speakers behind me..ugh, whatever. didn't i say that it didn't matter?.. | |||||
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| 10:47pm 27/10/2009 | |||||
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so much is happening around me. but i don't have the strength or the stomach to even begin. but i think i can give you a play by play. they've been staying here. it's been sucky, yes, because they are messy. too messy for me. but i think that they can see that i'm not feeling it. they've decided to leave on friday. we'll see...other than that, my awesome boyfriend has taken the liberty to help his gorgeous amazing ex girlfriend's (who's totally his type...tall, skinny, beautiful...) brother get a job, where he's working mind you...and he had the balls to bring this man to my home. he had the nerve to tell me it was a guy named "J". i know his face...and he knew that i'd recognize him...that's why i asked "do you think i'm stupid?" the moment they walked in. he was upset because I was "rude". i wanted to punch him the face and slit his throat, because that's how badly i was hurt. the feeling was way too familiar. i felt that way when pepe would pull up in christina's car. i'd feel that way when he was around any bitch really. and of course now i know, that my feelings about those situations were completely justified. i went downstairs because i didn't want to take her brother home in a messy car...just in case he had the idea of going home and telling this sister that her "one true love's" new woman was a disgusting slob. but steven followed me downstairs and tried to talk to me. it worked. i ended up feeling bad for being rude, i wanted to apologize but he convinced me it was a bad idea. but regardless, me feelings were what they were and nothing he said or says is going to change that. i'm going to continue to check up on things, and i'm not letting my guard down for a second. i've given him the impression that i have, and i'm fully prepared to deal with whatever i might find. he tried to find something on me tonight. but what he doesn't realize is that i'm just as good, if not better, at wiping my tracks clean...it's interesting that's he's suddenly looking. it makes me think that there's something to hide..these fuck nigga's.... and me. i'm back to a point that i never wanted to be in...but i'm here regardless. now i'm gonna go to bed. who cares what happens afterwards. if he want's to get his dick wet, or have his ego blown up, let him have it. i'm here. and i'm sick. not just physically.....i need therapy or something... |
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| The Fall |
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| 08:24pm 26/10/2009 | |||||
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| 10:47am 26/10/2009 | |||||
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sorry but it's hard to do this with ppl around... excuses. |
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| carinacelata | ||
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