| last night |
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| 01:23pm 13/07/2009 |
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we stayed up til 5 am watching movies and the Twilight Zone. Then Ron and Anthony went upstairs. I masturbated in my room for a bit and then decided if I stayed in the house I would cry for hours again (as I've done the last 3 nights). I set out on a walk, exploring parts of Morgantown I don't believe I've traveled before. I marveled at the beauty of this place and how much I'd have loved to share that moment with someone. Not sad at all. I saw a blue jay and some neat houses, including one decorated like a cow (a white house with black cow spots and even cow decorations). I was great for hours. I thought about swimming later today. Then I wondered for a bit if I was lost and finally realized I'd made it to a back entrance into Sabraton. It took me about 5minutes after learning where I was and recognizing the scenery for me to once again become engrossed in my thoughts of Matt and the end of our *relationship* I was in tears again, all the way down the trail, tears. I sat down and wrote a bit for him, more stuff he'll never receive. It was about 9 to 10 am when I got downtown and started to walk home. Of course I pass his house on the wall home, and I walked past twice and finally couldn't help myself. I knocked very lightly and started to walk away, but then wondered close to the door again, which he opened before I could decide if I should knock again. I had woken him up.
We talked a bit, he said we should go bowling sometime in a casual way. I said I couldn't do the friendship thing. I left only to come right back and say what was on my mind, that I wanted us to be back the way we were, and I could just deal with the jealousy and mood swings, not bring him into it. He said he doesn't see me that way anyway, how he doesn't want to have anything but friendship with the person I've been the last few weeks. So, he's not into me anymore. It's a pretty simple concept to grasp. I insert that data into my logic area and hopefully it will find a good way to translate it for my emotional roller coaster section.
Still waiting for an official response.
Still up for grabs whether I can do bowling buddies or just friends. But what choice do I got? |
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| More Unsents to Professor Kynu |
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| 01:41pm 13/07/2009 |
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july 4th
I don't think I get enough affection from you. i don't feel happy with our relationship, although I do like you as a person. I am very attracted to you, physically, emotionally and intellectually. However, when I am with you I feel I need more, I feel like I need a guarantee of having you in my life, and I know you don't want that. You like me a lot, but it will be very easy for you to move on and delete me from your life, whereas I have come to like you a lot and it is not as easy for me. I've pulled you more into my life then I've imagined I could do with someone. And for us to continue seeing each other, even as friends, is just torment. Please don't talk to me anymore, don't write me, don't call me, don't even talk to me if you see me downtown. I don't want you in my life anymore. i think we are incompatible, and I only continued seeing you because you wanted this. I don't wish to cause you sadness, but I am causing myself much sadness, and I have to start to care about myself sometime. I'm not sure that I've ever loved someone the way i feel for you, and therefore it is best if I don't let myself imagine there is more to what we have than what really is there. I wish you the best in this life and subsequent ones as that's your belief. if you'd like, i could bring you back your stuff, just tell me a time and day when you won't be there and I can drop them off.
July 10
You say you want to be friends, yet when all i want is to sit with you a moment you deny my request. When you shun me to the next room and I wish for a moment alone in your closet, so i can deal with myself just enough so I can walk without crying in public, you refuse, and even yell at me. You'd prefer making sure your beer doesn't get warm over just letting me feel a little better when I feel so bad right now. I know it will take me a while to get over you, but I feel you really are a terrible person who thinks only of himself and I wish to have nothing to do with you in the future.
Maybe if you were nicer, more people would like you and you wouldn't have to spout out romantic lies at the first person who can stand you long enough for you to even like. Don't send me your gibberish, the moderately amusing things that get you through your pathetic existence. Don't bother returning the money you borrowed, as if I ever expected you to, how much have you borrowed by now; around $100 that I never once asked for, because I always do things for my friends without asking for anything in return. I was always there for you. It hurts that you aren't here for me. That one realization that I have anything less than controllable emotions made you so mad at me. It's like you don't even look at me anymore. |
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