| i am going absolutely insane |
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| 05:19am 17/06/2009 |
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cleanin my room, need to give away/throw away lots of things
thinkin about matt
i want him, i miss him all the time
he is there so brief and then gone
i dont want anyone else
i am so lonely, its not sex, he could fuck whoever he wants and it doesnt matter
what is it then?
i wanna see him, i wanna hear him, he has engulfed so much of my life and yet
i want to blow out my brains
i am nillisting it up
im supposed to hang out with little steve today, i dont have relly any clean clothes
im too tired to walk to the store for laundry detergent
no point in takin a shower to put on dirtt clothes
i feel so lonely, lonlier than i have in so long
i want to jump off of something, have the feeling of freedom til the last moment of life
do i learn for fun or just for the sake of learning? to keep my mind occupied, to say i am improving myself?
what is fun to me?
is it only others?
do i live soley for other beings who inhabit this planet?
ants crawl on me
i live in filth
everything breaks under my care
i have books ive borrowed from others years ago
i want things, i like things, just to have them, to fill my lonliness, makin the possessions my friends
ive always validated myself through others
im not sure what other way there is
i always ask opinions before and after i do anything
i overanalyze everything
i cant throw shit away without wonderin if someone will be mad that i tossed it cuz maybe they got me it
i hate things
i wanna throw them all away
i wanna throw myself away
i wish no one would ever buy me anything again
i hate money
i hate things
why do i obsess over a man who finds this to be the highlight of his day? Making fun of a tard? Yeah, classy
im pretty simple, all i want is someone to talk to and hang out with, laugh with and crazy shit like that
i guess all the good things he said to me rubbed off and i became addicted to him sayin them
and now i am so obsessed with him
stalking online, waiting, hopin he calls or messages me so i can ignore him for as long as possible, drunk callin, emailing him, its all crazy, nutsy stuff
makes me wanna puke |
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