| Dreams and drinking |
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| 04:01pm 14/03/2009 |
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The dog chased me, at first I was afraid, it didn't seem mad til I hid in the closet though, then it growled, it wanted to eat me. but it couldn't go farther on its rope chain. I flew to get a way, but once I realized I was in control I decided the dog would like me. AT first he didn't, but I held his mouth and told him he couldn't bite me and after that he followed me everywhere, liking only me.
At the table, Loretta was talking about something and said something about some guy's woman, and I asked her a question on semantics based on my misunderstanding of her words.
Mary reprimanded me in front of everyone for my questions, and whispered to Loretta that I always do that.
I apologized and said I have hearing problems, plus an inability to keep some things in my head. However, I also explained that my question still was not as rude as whispering about someone, especially right next to them.
Then I went on to criticize Mary by telling her she was selfish and unhappy. How she was greedy and I hated the way she treated Hayes. I told her how when she slapped him all I wanted to do was grab her and rip every hair from the top of her head and make her feel that bad.
She asked me if Mom felt that way too. She seemed sure she did.
I told her yes, that she did. We both hated her for this.
Why are you like this? I asked.
Then I thought about the terrible childhood I had and wondered how Mary's was. We grew up together, saw the same things. Her coping may just be different.
I thought about what a pretty child she was and how friendly she'd been. Maybe the man who touched me the one chance he got, for I was always hiding from everyone, got more chances to touch her?
I cradled her like a baby, and said I was sorry for what happened to her as a child. Even though I had no idea what it could be, I knew it had to have been harsh for her to be the way she is.
I was PMSing badly and trying to sleep, but everyone came in to take my privacy from me.
Mom wanted me to help her make an okcupid account. I was afraid of her going on there, I didn't want her to see my profile and realize I was bisexual. I know how she is.
Gay people are fine so long as they aren't my children.
I looked at the profile she'd created. Couchskip or something like that. SHe'd written that she'd only ever loved one person before and he'd been a mixed race black/white guy a long time ago. So it'd never been my dad, Gary or Ed.
Why do people drink?
It seems they just sit there and talk.
When I drink I want to change the world. I want to get out and do something.
I want to dance.
I want to love.
I met some interesting people and the consensus was they drank to relax, to escape, to socialize.
I think it made a good point on socialization, because I talk way more when drunk. I can meet random people and converse about anything ranging from why do you drink?, why don't you ever visit your old country?, what is your religion?, what do you want to do with your life?, wand why do you talk to people?
Escapism and relaxation, I am mixed on. True, you get this buzzy feeling that makes you feel different than normal, but at the same times your emotions become more extreme, and how is that escape?
And relax? Like I said, I had so much I wanted to do and felt trapped being in one building (the bar). I attempted to break dance, which was fun, although my bruises today tell me otherwise. I even went home rather tha going to Jenny's, because I knew she would want to talk, watch things and then sleep. All of which I had no interest in at the moment. Because talking with her is so annoying, she hates conflict and will not talk out issues if a disagreement arises.
And she made me watch the Jetsons. I think my brain lost some grey goo just by having watched it. I told Jenny how terrible the writing was and how painful it was to see, but she didn't understand. Not even when I tried to compare it to her being forced to listen to some terrible singer. She doesn't get it. Writers hearts break when they read shit or see it acted out by live people, animation or some other means.
I also apparently have a knack for contacting Matt when I'm drunk. I emailed him a love letter in binary and told Jenny he was my soul mate if he figured it out. he didn't, luckily. Since I don't believe in soul mates anyway. |
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