07:59pm 06/01/2009   He said, "I like you, so I want to start being honest." "ok," I said. "Your breath kinda stinks." he said. I smiled. Honesty, ey? "yeah, your breath stinks too. Oh, and I don't really like you. In fact, you kinda disgust me. I don't think we should see each other anymore, but I never know how to say it." "Oh," he said. He was pouring cookie crisp. At the moment I kinda wish I hadn't told him off before I got any cookie crisp, i hadn't had the stuff in years, but eh, hatever, im no whore. He pulled a bottle of vodka out of the refrigerator and started drinking. Apparently he was pissed. "Maybe you shouldn't drink before you drive me to work," I said. Then thought better of it. "Never mind, I'll just walk," even though it was 5 miles away... I was sitting in class trying to donate my shoes. For some reason they accepted y coat but not my shoes. I was crushing on 3 different people in that random class. Something with Jenny, but I can't remember it now. I really need more sleep. We had to get away and live inside a van for specific times to keep away from the things out in the world. Nat helped me pack, he was going to come with me, to protect me. Something about these undetermined or specified bad things that were going to come out, so everyone had to try to stay inside and we were all packing up for a long road trip to get away, but there was this really strong feeling of protection in it it was kinda neat because I felt safe, usually I'm the one doing all the protecting : Hmm...interesting. i whispered i love you and hoped you couldn't hear, we looked out your window i was eating cadbury eggs on a silver platter one was cut in half and had lemon i was at andy summers and read a kids book kinda like the why books but it was about sexism and i used the bathroom I played a video game, talked to Steve in the game, i almost died, roller coaster, dark colors, happy feeling bloody moon there were zombies, i jumped up to get away. i took my daughter and my husband followed, we left the house but were soon chased by ones who wanted things, we threw`a bad zombie movie out the car to get them to go away, not the real footage though some guy with dark hair to sing for our wedding,maybe andy's friend they deprive him of music to practice he said they deprive the music students gwendolf dressed up like a british gentleman, but his hands like the legs under a petticoat of a woman are Naruto, Dragon Ball Z, Trigun, Samurai Champloo, Full Metal Alchemist, Inuyasha, and Vandread. Wolf's Rain is also a good one in my opinion, but I don't know how popular it is. sometimes i wonder what the point of life is I want to fall in love with a teacher or counselor, because I want someone to fix me 09:37pm 19/05/2007 Granny said last night when she got drunk she did karaoke for the first time in front of people. She said she enjoyed it, it made her feel like a movie star. If only there was a way for her to always feel that way. What things is she good at, interested in, I should find out. Times like this remind me she is a woman with a brain, not just a parrot watching soap operas. I need to get to know her better. I wonder how I go about doing that. It was 2:45 am on a thursday night. Ho would call that freakin late? "Hey, it's Eddie," he said. Her mom's boyfriend's name was Ed, so her mind was numb. Did something happen to Mom? What's wrong, why does he sound so young? "Who is this?" he asked. "Kyoko," she said. "Do you live at this house on 300 Mississippi Street?" Shit, she thought, he's one of those killers on the old movies. She wondered if he was prowling outside. "I delivered to you from Mex Express a few times." "I'm not the only one who lives here," she said, frightened. "Oh, really, well, do you remember me at all? I yelled at you one time on the phone, because I got lost and couldn't find your house." "Oh," Kyoko remembered that day, how outraged she'd been at the man on the phone accusing her of not knowing where she lived. She wondered if this was some creepy form of apology. "Well, I wanted to ask you out and I still had your phone number...it's kinda weird that you don't remember me though." "No, I mean, I'm bad at faces, but I do remember talking to you on the phone." And being annoyed, she thought, wondering if he was attracted to the godly patience she exhibited while trying to describe to him where to go. She wondered if she gave him a big tip and he thought she was loaded or if he was the really cute guy she smiled at once who delivered her tacos. "I want to ask you out," he said. "Are you single?" "Yes," she said, wondering what definition of single she really was. She was seeing a couple guys, but she wasn't engaged to any of them. "Maybe I'm being too creepy," he said. Yes , you are, she thought. "No, not at all," she said. "Maybe weird, what made you decide to call me?" "Well, I had your number." Kyoko wanted to hear him talk about how beautiful or intriguing she was. He said none of that, she was slightly disappointed. Still happy that he seemed to have stalking tendencies. She wondered if he had a crush on her or just called every girl he delivered to. She wondered if that was a good work ethic and if he pissed her off if that would be grounds for tattle taling to his boss. Plus, she realized now she couldn't order from them anymore. "How old are you?" he asked. "18," she said. "Are you sure, you're not lying to me." "No, why would I lie to you," she said. "You look much younger," he said. She wondered if he was hoping for a young jail bait girl. "How old are you?" she asked. "19." Kyoko wondered how these things always happened to her. Skip's head fell off and I looked at the back of her head, made in Indonesia. What is this Indonesia, where is it that the make dolls heads. I looked at her hard plastic body, made in China. She wasn't even a full person, part of her was made in a different place and here she was in my house, far away from the millions of people in China or the place called Indonesia that I wasn't even aware existed until that moment. "I've been on your computer. There are a surprising number of pictures of you on there. Way more than of anyone else. And I think you took them all. I'm not sure if that's sad or more egotistic, but I guess that's sad too." bubbles and mojo [23:25] Matt: Happy impending Valentines Day! What pseudo-romantic gift would you like me to acquire and bestow? "I want to date you," he said. "I can't stand just being your friend." "Get in line," I said. "If the wait is too long, I'm sorry. I never promised more than friendship." Vikings, I talked to Stacee and Carl, I went to the bathroom, we were preparing for a revolution, each of us working hard on a task, the viking engineer lay on the couch exhausted, cradling his freshly carved wooden sticks in his arms "I'm going to take a shower," Matt said. "You should ask to join," jenny said. "Are you coming?" Matt asked. I went into the bathroom, Matt and another girl were in the tub. "Why didn't you bring Jenny?" he asked. "I don't know," I said, surprised. He got out and him and Jenny came back and got in the tub. He made a circle of cool whip on one of her breasts. I got out of the tub and got dressed, putting on everything I could find. "Where are you going?" Matt asked. "I'm leaving," I said, "This is goodbye forever." "I love you," Matt said. "Actually, that's not true, I don't love you. But you knew that." "I know," I said. "And I never loved you." I'm in a store looking for puppets. I find a neat WVU puppet that would be great for Matt then I remember I already got him a WVU kangeroo or something kinda puppet. I find a bandit doll puppet but she doesn't move her mouth which is lame. I am showing around a new girl, who is interested in the wvu puppetry department. I pretend like I know something about it. I explain to her why the bandit puppet isn't good enough, its just a doll with a hole in its back. I find a cool musical fish puppet and a bunny alice puppet I like a lot. I check all my emails several times a day, okcupid, i lose myself in profiles and quizzes, finding something or someone new to obsess about all the time. I like to pretend I am above all that, all those people, real or imaginary who think they are better than me, who wouldn't want to share their time with me, I even feel it for other people, when someone is put down anyone, even someone i dislike, i feel for them, i wish to revenge the comment, the hate, show that they (or is it I) are better than the person saying the remark, i always want those with remarks to be the loser and the remarkees to be victor in my black and white cycle of confusion are all artists like this? horrified and stopped by the world? the noise, i didnt even notice it at first then all the people whod came in their noises hurt it hurts that i dont know as much as other people, i feel stupid, i dont know about current events or historical events, i dont see the importance in landmarks or things i want to create art out of my confusion i think i cause my headaches and the pain above my breasts from stress or lack of relaxation i blame it on other people, i need them yet also want free of them, i am bound to them by my own will, which i give to them, they ask me what i want to do but i refuse to tell them. most nights all i want to do is dance i think jenny gets a lot of my wrath now, i love her, she upsets me though, i feel i am not good enough for her, she consults eriks opinion above mine, she believes hes smarter, i want to find fault in him but cant, he is too nice, she talks abot appearances too much, other things bother me that i cannot remember now i wonder if my tonsils and throat swell because i cause myself this sickness i slept with too many people, what if i have an std or pregnancy or worse, aids what if i gave someone an std or aids maybe i am barren i want to rescue kids i am afraid to get tested for aids because i fear i have it and i fear telling my previous sex partners i dont take care of myself and i should i need to brush my teeth every day i need to start washing my skin better, i hate my acne, it hurts it is so greasy i am hairy i need to eat healthier i don't want questions i want answers i want to run away but wherever i go ill be confined i dont love matt but hes easy hes cute and intelligent, i want him i am not allowed over again if i can not shower at his house i hate menus, they never have what i want food bothers me unless its of the right kind at the right time is it the food, heat or activity or is it the person why did i get so upset in the heat while playing minature golf? was i dehydrated is that my excuse for everything why did i fall over myself to protect a marriage that i was unhappy with? i love my own smells, sweat, pussy, hair, feet even menstrual blood why did i wet my pants until i was 14? it was warm i was scared i crapped my pants in 4th grade and was afraid to get up, i finished my problems but stayed in my seat the whole class period, on the bus everyone talked of the stench, it was in my clothes, my shoes, why did i do it, feelings of shame, helplesslness, knowledge of future punishment, embarrassment judgement once in the video store it fell down my pants and into my mom's shoe i din't do it on purpose why does mary joke about it like that and ron and eveyone, do they not know how much it hurts why do they talk about hayes peeing in boxes i know it embarrasses him why does he do it why do people not accept this problem is it just the divorce or is it abuse do i need to interfere? i need to send an annonymous letter to patrick that chris likes child porn, i hope alexis is ok, i will blame myself if something happened i dont feel he would do that i need to at least be friendly to sarah, not feel scared of her existence I sat with you outside and we listened to a farmer talking to another on the phone. We knew the farmer would help out the guy on the phone even though it wasn't in his best interest, simply because the guy on the phone could make him think they both relate. I was thinking that although that sucks, there is something awesome about how humans can relate at least in such a small amount with a stranger over transmitted voice only. I turned to Matt, explained the situation a lite and looked t his face. "I like people a lot more than you, don't I," I said when I saw the look on his face. I know him, don't I? I looked at him. "I like you a lot more than you like me." I think it was the most honst conversation I ever had with him. He asked me why I liked him so much.       Post

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