| After my Marriage |
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| 10:11pm 24/05/2008 |
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My marriage failed around April 2006. I found child porn on the laptop and subsequently got pushed out of a moving car. I talked to a few guys after that, all friends. My hormones were wild, but nothing came to anything.
In December, I started dating.
My first date was with David, who wanted to meet in a specific section in the library. It was a pretty hot idea, and still my favorite first date meeting place. I was nervous, we ended up walking around, I was annoyed at first because he seemed kind of whiny. But we went to chick fila and I thought he was a genius at the crosswords and he did this dance thing when he walked that was adorable. After chik fila, we went to his apartment and i played guitar hero for the first time. I sucked at it. We cuddled, then went in his room and watched that 70s show. He felt my breasts and stared at me. I wanted to kiss him. I left infatuated with him. He told me the next day or so he just wanted to be friends. I wrote a poem about him. He taught me something. When I want something I should go after it, even if I am afraid of rejection.
I fell into infatuation with a guy online, Super Matt. He seemed to think I was amazing at coming up with funny things to say. We talked about silly englishy puny things and spent hours, sometimes 12 hours, typing to each other, having edates, swallowing levels, and spinning around in hugs, tacos and laughter. He showed me Homestar, which is beyond awesome and he may be the inspiration to my religion Ninja Bunnyism. Most importantly, he made me feel good about myself and inspired me.
We met in real life, but it wasn't until after I went on dates with two other guys.
While Super Matt and I were getting sillies, I was talking through emails to another Matt, a man who was interested in learning new languages and we talked about video games and other stuff. He made me feel smart and tested my intelligence in ways that intrigued me. He wanted to meet me, and I figured I'd give it a go. He mentioned coffee, I mentioned dislike and he said it made his dizzy. We scheduled a date for that saturday.
However, within that week, a strange guy online talked to me a few times about video games we liked then asked me to go out for coffee. I was turned off and worried because he had no picture, but I figured a public meeting couldn't be too bad. James turned out to be a great guy, right away I felt the good friend vibe. We walked around and I talked to him about everything. I felt so open. I don't know why. It was amazing. We had tacos and talked until Qudabas closed. I let him drive me home and said "see ya later."
The next day, I went to meet Matt in front of Boston Beanery. My mom drove me and said for me to be careful. He appeared and complimented me for being on time and said I sounded different than he expected. He had amazing eyes and he walked me home later, and asked me to go out again, and we decided on ice skating. That was when I realized that when a guy likes you he makes sure to ask for a second date before leaving.
Thus began my confusion, Matt or Super Matt? This lasted a few months. Matt and I went ice skating and it was great. He put his arms around me to keep me steady and he held my hand. He walked me home and I hugged him and he said "what don't I get a kiss?" So I made him close his eyes then kissed him.
It was more physical with Matt, he was there. Super Matt and I could talk for so long about anything and everything. In January, one night Matt emailed me asking how adventurous I felt, then preceded to change the subject. I pestered him until he finally said what he wanted to do would appall me. This excited me, so i pressed on and learned his sexual intentions. I agreed to a rendezvous, it had been a while since I'd gotten any! It was great, he put his arms around me asked me what he could do to entertain me. We talked about what we liked sexual wise and he tied me up with clean socks and said, "I can do anything I want to you now."
I was torn. I felt like my heart was leaning towards Super Matt and my body wanted Mojo Matt.
So right after that sexcapade, Matt wanted to know when I was free again. His overzealousness turned me a bit off. Jenny my best friend said I must be really great in bed.
I wrote Super Matt a story about evil queen cathy and silent matt having a ddr dance off. It was my way of asking him out.
The next weekend, I met Super Matt! He wore his fedora and I dropped the menu when we were nervous and he said it would be in the blooper reel. We bounced around on the play bridge at the playground near my house. He really dislikes mainstream tv. I daringly gave him a kiss before he dropped me off, because I felt like he was trying to do that to me. I went inside afterwards and jumped on the table, knocking cookies all over the floor. I was confused.
A few days later, Matt and I met for air hockey and ended up having sex later too. We talked about some things and what he said really affected me. The things he cared about, his passion. I wrote him a poem too.
The next weekend or so, Super Matt came up and brought to his house. We made tacos and watched clone wars. We slept in his bed and cuddled and made out. It was cute.
I have no idea what happened after that. I think that it was a combo of his dad dying, my confession to seeing the other matt and the fact that i just got a lot more politically minded and busy and he wasn't.
Somehow Super Matt just slipped into the occasional talkie.
Around March, Nathan appeared. He played some kind of foam sword fighting game and I wanted to come play. He invited me, but after I agreed, said it was canceled but came to visit me instead. We played frisbee with a boy in the park and then played ddr with my family. He said he loved me from reading all my diary entries. I was confused, but I ended our "relationship" after 2 days.
Meanwhile, I was falling for Matt....
Sometime in April, my friends and I fell asleep on Andy's couch, he laid his head on me and ended up holding my hand in the middle of the night. I moved to his bed and he followed me. We cuddled for days. We dated for 2 weeks, but I felt I was his show girlfriend and wanted something more. He cried to me about his heartbreak a week later. I still think he is cute and funny.
Then I met another Matt and went to his house for a political debate. That night I got a bit tipsy and he endd up dominating me in a good way. He was in an open marriage and our fling lasted through a couple other flings. (Matt is ongoing)
Jenny's little brother ims me. He's in town and drunk. I volunteer to hang out, because he is bored. We walk around and end up kissing in the woods. The only fling Jenny isn't told.
I decide that Matt should be the only one and tell the other Matt so.
But I get interested in a guy named Joe based on something he wrote that reminded me of myself. We go on a date and go back to his house and foam sword fight. Then we watch the big lebowski and make out. Then we fuck and it is amazing. I don't spend the night, but he wants me to. The next weekend, we do the same. But after that Matt calls me and says he loves me. So I tell Joe and end it. I regret it, and Matt's on and off love confuses and alienates me. I still want Joe.
In November, a guy named Tarek comes down and we have a date. We watch ninja warrior all night and he fucks me. It feels really good, but it doesn't feel right. I don't enjoy it. I feel weird about it. He says he wants to see me again soon. I mail him his watch and forget him.
Nathan is a friend that I was ging to go to Italy with over the summer, but then plans changed. He visits me in December and wants to go out with me. I don't know how to make it clear enough that I am not interested. He kisses me taking my silence as approval and we have sex. This occurs later too, even after he knows I cannot say no.
I fuck David in the ass with a dildo.
In January I go to visit Nathan, even though I know he will try something. On the greyhound over there, a guy named Marco says I am amazing and special and calls me bonita and we make out and he feels me up. I never call him back though or write down his number.
Nathan does try things and this continues until Marchish when he decided he cant be my friend if i wont date him.
Then around the end of April, Little Steve, a guy we hang out with gets a bit flirty with me and we end up holding hands and then cuddling and then sexing.
And I am still seeing Matt.... |
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