| i love you grandma |
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| 02:56pm 25/07/2009 |
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marty you almost made it to 70
you shall be missed |
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| Dude, there's a dude in my bed |
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| 01:10pm 17/07/2009 |
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well not anymore
Anyway, this is how the date played out
first to prep for the date I read some dating horror stories online and cleaned my room by throwing everything in a big pile and putting a blanket over it (yeah, I know!)
Then I sprayed some fragrance on everything else
I gave him directions to my house over the phone (with the help of google maps)
I walked down the street to meet him, then we went up to my house and talked in the kitchen, waiting til it was time to go to the movies to see Bruno
He was ecstatic that Ron Paul was in it
something he said at the table made me want him so much that during the movie previews i kept imagining grabbing his knees and banging him right there
why his knees? who the fuck knows?
The movie was pretty funny, I was horrified at some of the people in it though
Such as the homophobes and the parents who wanted their young children to be stars
disgusting!
and i felt bad for ron paul because he did the interview thinking they would talk about austrian politics
and instead the dude pulls his pants down, making ron paul run outta the room
after the movie we end up walking around talking about things and stuff
he pulls a cheesy line, i say i like looking at the view from the trees and he says he likes looking at me
he moves in for the kiss, it's too awkward
i wonder where he learned to kiss
we try again, i try to work with what i have
he adapts
we walk around with our arms around each other, all awkward like high school with another boy
we lay in the grass and stare at the sky just talking
somehow we begin making out
it feels quite nice
we decide to go somewhere more private and somehow end up in the mud having the best sex i think I've had in a long time
it's very fun indeed
we go back to my place, wash up and back to my room for more fun
then i get to find out his disposition, he likes to shout i love you while getting it on, just like anyone else would yell out fuck me harder or yeah or that's tight or whatnot
a little weird, but i dealt, adding sex on the end of his statement in my head
and it was totally hot when he started calling me evil queen and bitch
and his eye, they are so intriguing, sexy, yet scary, at times i thought I was staring into the eyes of a nightmare or a madman
we went out to eat at eat n park at 2 am, some annoying drunk freshman ruined the mood
back we went to my place
more sex and cuddling
finally sleep or well...i couldn't sleep much with him in my bed, my beds too small really
so we kept moving, trying to cuddle and sleep
he snores
but morning sex is pretty awesome too
specially when it occurs twice
except somehow i rubbed me leg against the electrical outlet and now some of the skin has rubbed off, so that burns
but it's worth it, it was all great and nice
and he smells wonderful
i would really enjoy fucking and making out and hanging out with him again
maybe not in the order,
maybe
soft rock? no i like it hard |
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| well I have a date today |
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| 02:41pm 16/07/2009 |
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and it's with someone who doesn't suck |
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| Talked to a really awesome guy today |
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| 01:15am 15/07/2009 |
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we share a birthday
we share political interests, such as freedom, liberty that kinda thing
He seems pretty nice and even wants to meet me
gotta get some free time to see him very soon |
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| More Unsents to Professor Kynu |
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| 01:41pm 13/07/2009 |
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july 4th
I don't think I get enough affection from you. i don't feel happy with our relationship, although I do like you as a person. I am very attracted to you, physically, emotionally and intellectually. However, when I am with you I feel I need more, I feel like I need a guarantee of having you in my life, and I know you don't want that. You like me a lot, but it will be very easy for you to move on and delete me from your life, whereas I have come to like you a lot and it is not as easy for me. I've pulled you more into my life then I've imagined I could do with someone. And for us to continue seeing each other, even as friends, is just torment. Please don't talk to me anymore, don't write me, don't call me, don't even talk to me if you see me downtown. I don't want you in my life anymore. i think we are incompatible, and I only continued seeing you because you wanted this. I don't wish to cause you sadness, but I am causing myself much sadness, and I have to start to care about myself sometime. I'm not sure that I've ever loved someone the way i feel for you, and therefore it is best if I don't let myself imagine there is more to what we have than what really is there. I wish you the best in this life and subsequent ones as that's your belief. if you'd like, i could bring you back your stuff, just tell me a time and day when you won't be there and I can drop them off.
July 10
You say you want to be friends, yet when all i want is to sit with you a moment you deny my request. When you shun me to the next room and I wish for a moment alone in your closet, so i can deal with myself just enough so I can walk without crying in public, you refuse, and even yell at me. You'd prefer making sure your beer doesn't get warm over just letting me feel a little better when I feel so bad right now. I know it will take me a while to get over you, but I feel you really are a terrible person who thinks only of himself and I wish to have nothing to do with you in the future.
Maybe if you were nicer, more people would like you and you wouldn't have to spout out romantic lies at the first person who can stand you long enough for you to even like. Don't send me your gibberish, the moderately amusing things that get you through your pathetic existence. Don't bother returning the money you borrowed, as if I ever expected you to, how much have you borrowed by now; around $100 that I never once asked for, because I always do things for my friends without asking for anything in return. I was always there for you. It hurts that you aren't here for me. That one realization that I have anything less than controllable emotions made you so mad at me. It's like you don't even look at me anymore. |
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| last night |
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| 01:23pm 13/07/2009 |
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we stayed up til 5 am watching movies and the Twilight Zone. Then Ron and Anthony went upstairs. I masturbated in my room for a bit and then decided if I stayed in the house I would cry for hours again (as I've done the last 3 nights). I set out on a walk, exploring parts of Morgantown I don't believe I've traveled before. I marveled at the beauty of this place and how much I'd have loved to share that moment with someone. Not sad at all. I saw a blue jay and some neat houses, including one decorated like a cow (a white house with black cow spots and even cow decorations). I was great for hours. I thought about swimming later today. Then I wondered for a bit if I was lost and finally realized I'd made it to a back entrance into Sabraton. It took me about 5minutes after learning where I was and recognizing the scenery for me to once again become engrossed in my thoughts of Matt and the end of our *relationship* I was in tears again, all the way down the trail, tears. I sat down and wrote a bit for him, more stuff he'll never receive. It was about 9 to 10 am when I got downtown and started to walk home. Of course I pass his house on the wall home, and I walked past twice and finally couldn't help myself. I knocked very lightly and started to walk away, but then wondered close to the door again, which he opened before I could decide if I should knock again. I had woken him up.
We talked a bit, he said we should go bowling sometime in a casual way. I said I couldn't do the friendship thing. I left only to come right back and say what was on my mind, that I wanted us to be back the way we were, and I could just deal with the jealousy and mood swings, not bring him into it. He said he doesn't see me that way anyway, how he doesn't want to have anything but friendship with the person I've been the last few weeks. So, he's not into me anymore. It's a pretty simple concept to grasp. I insert that data into my logic area and hopefully it will find a good way to translate it for my emotional roller coaster section.
Still waiting for an official response.
Still up for grabs whether I can do bowling buddies or just friends. But what choice do I got? |
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| Sorority Sisters |
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| 11:44am 12/07/2009 |
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The girls were stripped and forced outside where they were sprayed with a hose. Then each one was marked with a permanent marker, Fuck Hole 1 for their mouth, Fuck Hole 2 for their pussy, Fuck Hole 3 for their ass. Their hands were cuffed or tied behind their backs and they each had a permanent marker attached to a collar around their necks.
They were sent running through frat row, trying to get signatures. The girl with the most would win. The ones with the least would endure even more torture from their *sisters*.
Some of the guys were very nice about it. They sympathized with the girls and signed each part. Trying not to stare at the asses or boobs too much. but they're still men. Others took advantage of the situations.
"What will you do to get my signature?"
"I have to sign each hole? Well, I can't sign one til I've used it."
Sometimes it was in jest and a girl, begging enough would seem so pitiful, even those guys would sign.
Then there were the ones who forced themselves on the girls. The girls, sometimes crying, would oblige the men, as they forced the girls on their knees and proceeded in fucking each hole in order. Some of the guys even video taped it for later use. So some small time unpaid porn stars were made that day. |
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| It is officially over |
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| 01:36pm 09/07/2009 |
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All I need to do is drop off his stuff and he has suddenly relented and told me to leave it in front of his door or in his mailbox. Just yesterday he really wanted me to stay and even when I left today he said he wanted me to give it to him in person. I am so relieved I don't have to see him again, but even so my heart is breaking so badly. I am so sad. |
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| if u ignore him, he'll go away |
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| 02:37am 08/07/2009 |
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and he really did |
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| my house |
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| 06:50pm 05/07/2009 |
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it shall be made of comics and will house anarchistic puppets and lots of books and toys |
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| rainy day dreams |
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| 01:48pm 02/07/2009 |
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I was having the best sex ever and the guy told me it was just a dream,so he wanted to meet me in real life to do me for real, I told him my city, then before i put much thought in it, i blurted out my street address, instantly he turned into some sort of fuzzy creature and attempted to continue humping me, I was terrified, so i woke up (still in dream) and told this guy, a very good friend who loved me and did noble works in Africa very often. I informed him of my fears and he said he'd like to be able to protect me, i asked if i could go to africa with him, cuz i didn't want to be alone, he denied me this, saying it wasn't safe for me. |
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| I don't wish to lie anymore |
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| 04:54pm 28/06/2009 |
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I will, I must stop
for my own sanity |
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| wanna hear the funniest/weirdest message on a dating site? |
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| 03:39pm 26/06/2009 |
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you have a real nice body, but you face has a few flaws, not bad ones, i'd like to hang out with you, maybe watch a movie, and i hope this isn't too sudden/forward/slashfilled, i'd love to make love to you while we wore masks, not even full facial masks, just enough to cover our flaws, to make it better, it's not meant to be an insult, i think this is a great idea for anyone with flaws that wants to experience making love, and i think it would be amazing with you, so please write back, we should hang out first, maybe get to know eachother a little.
i know you reply selectively, but i'm serious when i say i want to persue this with you, i think we'd both enjoy it immensely. |
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| i wonder |
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| 10:15pm 24/06/2009 |
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if anyone else gets off on scheduling classes |
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| A wine induced dream |
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| 05:03pm 23/06/2009 |
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adam, ron, mom, and i walk through the maze lookin for old school video games and toys
mom is searching for something specific, we thought it was a claw machine but it turned out to be a sake container
we talked about flyin to south korea for a nice dinner there to celebrate something with her fiance
ron met his half brother and his mom, neither could speak english
and neither liked each other, as i later found out
I'm a teacher, i help both learn and by the end of the dream they are fluent
they also start to like each other, even cometo a loving family relationship
i'm the only teacher on the ship full of mostly immigrants
this hot blond guy drops his pen and calls it something else, I hand it to him and repeat the word pen a couple times til he understands
he grins "you teacher?" "Kinda, I'm learning." he doesn't understand, so I smile and say yes, nodding my head, this he understands
i gave free lessons to anyone who wanted them
some would wait in my room for me to get back
some huddled for hours waiting
we went to a korean restaurant where they said anyone could bring their own ethnic food
we had something delicious except it was served in plain green sauce, which needed a kick to make it good
we brought something to do with bananas and maybe bamboo
they wanted the recipe
pepperoni rolls are kinda ethnic, at least regionally significant
i had a boyfriend/lover/significant other/fiance
we were sipping iced tea/root beer/ soda outta huge sake glasses
my boyfriend/lover/significant other/fiance said he was going to make some type of tea, I agreed to it and immediately forgot
when i remembered we had already set up everything for a different type
i hurredly moved everything off the table before he noticed
except i left a tea leaf
he saw it and was upset
while i was packing chocolate covered marshmallows for the private picnic i was going to, he insulted me and said things like he never liked me
i was so calm
i said i know why you say these things, i am sorry for my mistakes
we need to talk about this when i get back
he immediately cooled down
he seemed relieved that i understood him
ron his half bro and his mom who now could speak perfect english and liked each other, were all going to help save the world together
i was gonna help too
matt and i were lookin at something
and noticed jennys name on a poster for a play in new york, broadway
we were so happy for her, even though all the actors/actresses in the photos were either completely nude or in their undies
we noticed jenny, a side pic of her at a table with others, no shirt but her boobs were nonexistent, she looked wasted away and cracky
and kinda like a guy
matt said he was happy for her
we were all talking about stalkers this and that and marys stalker came outta the woodworks
a guy who kept a colorful lizard in his mouth for 2 years just to prove his love
she said he was weird but she liked guys that way |
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| the boy with the completely blue eyes |
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| 11:52pm 20/06/2009 |
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i sat on my porch and swung my legs back and forth, enjoying the breeze, so far moving wasn't so bad
"hello," a guy came up to the porch and sat next to me
he seemed very friendly
his eyes were so blue, even the whites were blue
"You're new, and you're going to be in my class, so i figured id welcome you to MY town."
"Thanks," i said. he was staring at me, and was so cute.
we sat and talked on the swing for hours, about my old town, about school, about things we like to do, our families, all kinds of junk. then he hugged me and left.
he seemed so friendly and i thought maybe i really liked him
the first day of school i sat near the front as i always do (im a geek!) and this guy sat next to me. he was also super cute (there must be something in the water here)
"Hey," he said, "thats a great book." i looked down to see what i was reading and smiled
"yup, so far it's great, like his other stuff."
"i havent read much by him, what else do you like?"
We talked about this until class started, it was funny but i hadnt noticed anyone else come in, thats kinda the way i am
in the middle of class the girl next to me started talking to me and we got onto such neat topics and were laughing and another girl told me i was really smart
at lunch, the guy from class waved me to his seat and i sat with him and a couple of his guy friends and a couple girls from class
we enjoyed interesting conversation involving interests and jokes
i thought maybe these would be my best friends here
everything was great for about a week or maybe two
then one day i started to talk to the guy in the front row and he looked at me and very loudly said, "You really think I like you that much? wow you're so full of yourself."
then others ignored me as well
even lunch, i sat alone
i went a couple days, maybe a week of this
then one day i decided to sit in the back of the room, away from their scorn
the guy from earlier, who i met before school started, smiled at me
"hey," he said
we spent the class talkin and laughin together
he was so sweet and i was so lonely
we hung out all the time, at school, at lunch
he asked me one day
"do u trust me?"
"sure," i said, a bit unsure really
he hugged me and kissed me
we spent a while like that
then the people started showing up missing
babies, children, adults
all ages, genders, ethnicities
no pattern
i was walkin past his secret place once when i heard him talking
"now keep your eyes open and i wont hurt you as bad"
i looked, 3 girls were tied up there, he had some type of spray, i think he planned on blinding them
I ran a bit away and called his cell
he answered
yeah?
he seemed happy to hear me
"wanna hang out?" i asked
"ok," he said
"cool, im comin to the secret place, meet me there. I hung up, turned off the ringer didnt answer his next call
i hid near the place and watched him hide the girls away in a secret compartment under ground
i waited til he was done then came over
"hey" he hugged me
we talked a while and i pretrended nothin was wrong when it was gettin dark, he walked me home and as soon as he was outta sight i ran back to the hidin place and let the girls go
i was only a bit quicker cuz as they were gettin away i heard him in the distance
they didnt wait for him though and neither did i
esp when we heard the chainsaw sound
there was talk in the school about my friend goin crazy
people who had been mean to me started talkin to me again
sayin things that scared me
how he had been threatening them, makin them be mean to me
how they had no way to stop him
he was late that day
he saw me and asked me if i trusted him again
i had my contacts in (i never told him i had contacts)
he came up to me and started to spray something in my eyes
I acted as if they hurt but really could see fine and i saw what he meant to do
i grabbed him and his chain saw and cute him with it
everyone watched as i crippled him
he looked so surprised
but also relieved
we sent him away as the mentally ill and sometimes i visted him at the beggin of this dumb girl who thought he was sweet and just misunderstood |
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| i am going absolutely insane |
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| 05:19am 17/06/2009 |
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cleanin my room, need to give away/throw away lots of things
thinkin about matt
i want him, i miss him all the time
he is there so brief and then gone
i dont want anyone else
i am so lonely, its not sex, he could fuck whoever he wants and it doesnt matter
what is it then?
i wanna see him, i wanna hear him, he has engulfed so much of my life and yet
i want to blow out my brains
i am nillisting it up
im supposed to hang out with little steve today, i dont have relly any clean clothes
im too tired to walk to the store for laundry detergent
no point in takin a shower to put on dirtt clothes
i feel so lonely, lonlier than i have in so long
i want to jump off of something, have the feeling of freedom til the last moment of life
do i learn for fun or just for the sake of learning? to keep my mind occupied, to say i am improving myself?
what is fun to me?
is it only others?
do i live soley for other beings who inhabit this planet?
ants crawl on me
i live in filth
everything breaks under my care
i have books ive borrowed from others years ago
i want things, i like things, just to have them, to fill my lonliness, makin the possessions my friends
ive always validated myself through others
im not sure what other way there is
i always ask opinions before and after i do anything
i overanalyze everything
i cant throw shit away without wonderin if someone will be mad that i tossed it cuz maybe they got me it
i hate things
i wanna throw them all away
i wanna throw myself away
i wish no one would ever buy me anything again
i hate money
i hate things
why do i obsess over a man who finds this to be the highlight of his day? Making fun of a tard? Yeah, classy
im pretty simple, all i want is someone to talk to and hang out with, laugh with and crazy shit like that
i guess all the good things he said to me rubbed off and i became addicted to him sayin them
and now i am so obsessed with him
stalking online, waiting, hopin he calls or messages me so i can ignore him for as long as possible, drunk callin, emailing him, its all crazy, nutsy stuff
makes me wanna puke |
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| i was going to take a shower |
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| 01:28am 16/06/2009 |
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but he just fucked me
is it wrong to want his scent on me as long as possible? |
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| My last Unsent Letter to Professor Kynu |
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| 10:23pm 15/06/2009 |
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I don't regret you, I don't regret loving you
I meant what I said, I didn't want to date anyone but you
Never before, even after my husband, have new guys had to stand in comparison to anyone
Every new suitor stood on his own, weighted only by my own fierce scrutiny
After meeting you
Each suitor is weighted heavily based on what I want---what I get---from you
No one compares as they flail hopelessly trying to capture me
I don't regret falling in love
Love is such an interesting, romantic topic
Love enables people to reach great heights
Learn new things
Strive to be a better person for that someone
One day I will have children and
Maybe I'll tell them when they meet their first loves and
Subsequently have their hearts broken
How one day Mom also did this and
How much it hurt but
How much also she learned and cherished from the experience
In order to be free to love again
I must not let go of the past
But learn from it, and
Add it to my repertoire of memories and past involvements
Along with the scraped leg I got from wrecking my bike on my way downtown to get my SNES
Where I learned that pain is nothing when it's on your way to success
I can keep your image
The things you taught me, and
I will, as you've said many times before
Remember you fondly |
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