rainy day dreams     01:48pm 02/07/2009   I was having the best sex ever and the guy told me it was just a dream,so he wanted to meet me in real life to do me for real, I told him my city, then before i put much thought in it, i blurted out my street address, instantly he turned into some sort of fuzzy creature and attempted to continue humping me, I was terrified, so i woke up (still in dream) and told this guy, a very good friend who loved me and did noble works in Africa very often. I informed him of my fears and he said he'd like to be able to protect me, i asked if i could go to africa with him, cuz i didn't want to be alone, he denied me this, saying it wasn't safe for me.        Post   I don't wish to lie anymore    04:54pm 28/06/2009   I will, I must stop for my own sanity        Post   wanna hear the funniest/weirdest message on a dating site?    03:39pm 26/06/2009   you have a real nice body, but you face has a few flaws, not bad ones, i'd like to hang out with you, maybe watch a movie, and i hope this isn't too sudden/forward/slashfilled, i'd love to make love to you while we wore masks, not even full facial masks, just enough to cover our flaws, to make it better, it's not meant to be an insult, i think this is a great idea for anyone with flaws that wants to experience making love, and i think it would be amazing with you, so please write back, we should hang out first, maybe get to know eachother a little. i know you reply selectively, but i'm serious when i say i want to persue this with you, i think we'd both enjoy it immensely.        Read 3 - Post   i wonder    10:15pm 24/06/2009   if anyone else gets off on scheduling classes        Post   A wine induced dream    05:03pm 23/06/2009   adam, ron, mom, and i walk through the maze lookin for old school video games and toys mom is searching for something specific, we thought it was a claw machine but it turned out to be a sake container we talked about flyin to south korea for a nice dinner there to celebrate something with her fiance ron met his half brother and his mom, neither could speak english and neither liked each other, as i later found out I'm a teacher, i help both learn and by the end of the dream they are fluent they also start to like each other, even cometo a loving family relationship i'm the only teacher on the ship full of mostly immigrants this hot blond guy drops his pen and calls it something else, I hand it to him and repeat the word pen a couple times til he understands he grins "you teacher?" "Kinda, I'm learning." he doesn't understand, so I smile and say yes, nodding my head, this he understands i gave free lessons to anyone who wanted them some would wait in my room for me to get back some huddled for hours waiting we went to a korean restaurant where they said anyone could bring their own ethnic food we had something delicious except it was served in plain green sauce, which needed a kick to make it good we brought something to do with bananas and maybe bamboo they wanted the recipe pepperoni rolls are kinda ethnic, at least regionally significant i had a boyfriend/lover/significant other/fiance we were sipping iced tea/root beer/ soda outta huge sake glasses my boyfriend/lover/significant other/fiance said he was going to make some type of tea, I agreed to it and immediately forgot when i remembered we had already set up everything for a different type i hurredly moved everything off the table before he noticed except i left a tea leaf he saw it and was upset while i was packing chocolate covered marshmallows for the private picnic i was going to, he insulted me and said things like he never liked me i was so calm i said i know why you say these things, i am sorry for my mistakes we need to talk about this when i get back he immediately cooled down he seemed relieved that i understood him ron his half bro and his mom who now could speak perfect english and liked each other, were all going to help save the world together i was gonna help too matt and i were lookin at something and noticed jennys name on a poster for a play in new york, broadway we were so happy for her, even though all the actors/actresses in the photos were either completely nude or in their undies we noticed jenny, a side pic of her at a table with others, no shirt but her boobs were nonexistent, she looked wasted away and cracky and kinda like a guy matt said he was happy for her we were all talking about stalkers this and that and marys stalker came outta the woodworks a guy who kept a colorful lizard in his mouth for 2 years just to prove his love she said he was weird but she liked guys that way        Post   the boy with the completely blue eyes    11:52pm 20/06/2009   i sat on my porch and swung my legs back and forth, enjoying the breeze, so far moving wasn't so bad "hello," a guy came up to the porch and sat next to me he seemed very friendly his eyes were so blue, even the whites were blue "You're new, and you're going to be in my class, so i figured id welcome you to MY town." "Thanks," i said. he was staring at me, and was so cute. we sat and talked on the swing for hours, about my old town, about school, about things we like to do, our families, all kinds of junk. then he hugged me and left. he seemed so friendly and i thought maybe i really liked him the first day of school i sat near the front as i always do (im a geek!) and this guy sat next to me. he was also super cute (there must be something in the water here) "Hey," he said, "thats a great book." i looked down to see what i was reading and smiled "yup, so far it's great, like his other stuff." "i havent read much by him, what else do you like?" We talked about this until class started, it was funny but i hadnt noticed anyone else come in, thats kinda the way i am in the middle of class the girl next to me started talking to me and we got onto such neat topics and were laughing and another girl told me i was really smart at lunch, the guy from class waved me to his seat and i sat with him and a couple of his guy friends and a couple girls from class we enjoyed interesting conversation involving interests and jokes i thought maybe these would be my best friends here everything was great for about a week or maybe two then one day i started to talk to the guy in the front row and he looked at me and very loudly said, "You really think I like you that much? wow you're so full of yourself." then others ignored me as well even lunch, i sat alone i went a couple days, maybe a week of this then one day i decided to sit in the back of the room, away from their scorn the guy from earlier, who i met before school started, smiled at me "hey," he said we spent the class talkin and laughin together he was so sweet and i was so lonely we hung out all the time, at school, at lunch he asked me one day "do u trust me?" "sure," i said, a bit unsure really he hugged me and kissed me we spent a while like that then the people started showing up missing babies, children, adults all ages, genders, ethnicities no pattern i was walkin past his secret place once when i heard him talking "now keep your eyes open and i wont hurt you as bad" i looked, 3 girls were tied up there, he had some type of spray, i think he planned on blinding them I ran a bit away and called his cell he answered yeah? he seemed happy to hear me "wanna hang out?" i asked "ok," he said "cool, im comin to the secret place, meet me there. I hung up, turned off the ringer didnt answer his next call i hid near the place and watched him hide the girls away in a secret compartment under ground i waited til he was done then came over "hey" he hugged me we talked a while and i pretrended nothin was wrong when it was gettin dark, he walked me home and as soon as he was outta sight i ran back to the hidin place and let the girls go i was only a bit quicker cuz as they were gettin away i heard him in the distance they didnt wait for him though and neither did i esp when we heard the chainsaw sound there was talk in the school about my friend goin crazy people who had been mean to me started talkin to me again sayin things that scared me how he had been threatening them, makin them be mean to me how they had no way to stop him he was late that day he saw me and asked me if i trusted him again i had my contacts in (i never told him i had contacts) he came up to me and started to spray something in my eyes I acted as if they hurt but really could see fine and i saw what he meant to do i grabbed him and his chain saw and cute him with it everyone watched as i crippled him he looked so surprised but also relieved we sent him away as the mentally ill and sometimes i visted him at the beggin of this dumb girl who thought he was sweet and just misunderstood        Post   i am going absolutely insane    05:19am 17/06/2009   cleanin my room, need to give away/throw away lots of things thinkin about matt i want him, i miss him all the time he is there so brief and then gone i dont want anyone else i am so lonely, its not sex, he could fuck whoever he wants and it doesnt matter what is it then? i wanna see him, i wanna hear him, he has engulfed so much of my life and yet i want to blow out my brains i am nillisting it up im supposed to hang out with little steve today, i dont have relly any clean clothes im too tired to walk to the store for laundry detergent no point in takin a shower to put on dirtt clothes i feel so lonely, lonlier than i have in so long i want to jump off of something, have the feeling of freedom til the last moment of life do i learn for fun or just for the sake of learning? to keep my mind occupied, to say i am improving myself? what is fun to me? is it only others? do i live soley for other beings who inhabit this planet? ants crawl on me i live in filth everything breaks under my care i have books ive borrowed from others years ago i want things, i like things, just to have them, to fill my lonliness, makin the possessions my friends ive always validated myself through others im not sure what other way there is i always ask opinions before and after i do anything i overanalyze everything i cant throw shit away without wonderin if someone will be mad that i tossed it cuz maybe they got me it i hate things i wanna throw them all away i wanna throw myself away i wish no one would ever buy me anything again i hate money i hate things why do i obsess over a man who finds this to be the highlight of his day? Making fun of a tard? Yeah, classy im pretty simple, all i want is someone to talk to and hang out with, laugh with and crazy shit like that i guess all the good things he said to me rubbed off and i became addicted to him sayin them and now i am so obsessed with him stalking online, waiting, hopin he calls or messages me so i can ignore him for as long as possible, drunk callin, emailing him, its all crazy, nutsy stuff makes me wanna puke        Post   i was going to take a shower    01:28am 16/06/2009   but he just fucked me is it wrong to want his scent on me as long as possible?        Post   My last Unsent Letter to Professor Kynu    10:23pm 15/06/2009   I don't regret you, I don't regret loving you I meant what I said, I didn't want to date anyone but you Never before, even after my husband, have new guys had to stand in comparison to anyone Every new suitor stood on his own, weighted only by my own fierce scrutiny After meeting you Each suitor is weighted heavily based on what I want---what I get---from you No one compares as they flail hopelessly trying to capture me I don't regret falling in love Love is such an interesting, romantic topic Love enables people to reach great heights Learn new things Strive to be a better person for that someone One day I will have children and Maybe I'll tell them when they meet their first loves and Subsequently have their hearts broken How one day Mom also did this and How much it hurt but How much also she learned and cherished from the experience In order to be free to love again I must not let go of the past But learn from it, and Add it to my repertoire of memories and past involvements Along with the scraped leg I got from wrecking my bike on my way downtown to get my SNES Where I learned that pain is nothing when it's on your way to success I can keep your image The things you taught me, and I will, as you've said many times before Remember you fondly        Post   professor xn    10:49pm 14/06/2009   these are some emails i havent sent, ill just stick em all here since i dont plan on ever writing u again here they are from latest to earliest Hey, I think we're looking for different things and it would be better for both of us if we didn't hang out anymore. When we started dating I wasn't looking for anything serious, because I'd been through so much, but now my thoughts have changed and I do want something more than just hanging out sometimes. I find myself wanting to see you or talk to you often, and I don't think you feel the same way. Let me know if you want to discuss this in person or not. I will accept the absence of a response as an agreement with or a concession to my thoughts. I've been thinking that we shouldn't hang out anymore. I'm looking for something different than what we have. I don't understand you, sometimes it seems like you like me and others you seem to be ignoring me or something. Anyway I have lots of reasons and I'm just writing this down so I can tell you next time I have to see you Your lack of response answers my question. I'm sorry I wrote that love you thing. I didn't mean it, I was just being silly. You probably don't care, but I just wanted to make sure you didn't take it the wrong way. nope thats a lie i do love you la la la la la boom boom weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee don't mention it please no, i dont know what i want im too lazy to decide so i want you to and you shouldnt have to i ignored you because you annoy me hate your yells your anger at others i want to take you in a waterfall, on a waterfall, over, under, behnd, everywhere, everything, i love you, i want you, you are awesome to my needs, you are the perfect size for my body, i love it, i love you, i shouldnt, youre about to leave, you shall break my heart very soon and i shouldnt let myself care but all i think is I LOVE YOU        Post   dreams    05:06pm 14/06/2009   i was going to florida to visit adam, he was engaged or dating a girl he loved i had a fling with a pretty hot guy who kept dunking me in the water then he brought me choclates and adam had brought me some too and threw them down when i showed him the ones the hot guy gave me then i realized i loved adam adam told me his gf was getting married to another guy and he didnt know what to do i suggested we go stop the wedding, i told him id have liked something like that if it were me we were on a ship sailing across the world trying to solve problems, our nxt destination was colombia i was trying to get it to go back to the us becuse a teenage girl was goin crazy missin her home anyway these rae drunken dreams after having sake, yeungling, pina colada, and mango vodka... plus tummy pains from some sushi i am taking matt out of my life, he wants me in his life but i love him and this cannot continue the way it is i need more than he is willing to give        Post   Reverse Order Thoughts, Feelings, Actions    11:28pm 20/05/2009   I don't want to plan a birthday party, I'm not very good at those kinds of things. I signed out of one of my im sns because I didn't want this girl to message me anymore. She is depressed and annoying. She was fine til I said I might go to South Korea one day then she freaked on me and made me feel bad, telling me that I lied to her, that I was a hypocrite and that I shouldn't try to date women. She is such a loon. Anyway, I can't handle that tonight. I've been in the mood for determining my emotions and dealing with them as I see fit. And I determined that she turns on me so easily, even if she does say I mean so much to her, I've known her about a week, I just don't think she's worth it. I was so upset that obese people disgust me. The last few days I was with Rob and Jessica who want to date me, and I was so disgusted by them. I don't mean to be, but they spend so much time sitting around, complaining, eating, making weird noises, this morning they were having sex and it sounded like a puppy was being tortured. And she smells so weird and they both snore so loud, i am so happy to be home where i can get some sleep. I was upset that Matt never wrote me while I was gone. He's usually beating down my door to see me when I'm back in town. I even wrote him with plans on asking to go with him this weekend, which I'd never normally do. I felt bad, because I'm sure I hurt Nancy's feelings when we talked about possibly dating and hanging out more and then I said I'd be gone the next few days. I think she wanted to see me. Today's Sum up: disgust, annoyance, attraction to Jayne, thoughts on backpacking across the United States Yesterday at their house, felt terribly disgusted, annoyed, they are sweet enough people, but i feel out of place nam and jack are cute enough though day before same thing and i went the 3 days without the internet because i decided it'd be good for me sunday was the landmine of emotions not sure if im going to jennys grad dinner, i waited for someone to pick me up, no one did, she musta wanted me to get there on my own (biking i guess) was too late didn go, didnt really want to anyway, id hafta dress up and it was expensive and weird and i always wonder, what has she ever done for me? she borrows money, never pays back, she asks me often for help, never gives help doesnt even visit when im sick actually asks me to do things for her then too more drama with lindsey bein suicidal and needy nancy's unhappy reaction to my plans when i left matt i acted like id never see him again so he pulled me down and talked me outta that made me feel he cares whirlwind of emotions        Post   i cant date her    12:23am 16/05/2009   ive lied to her by sleeping with him        Post   if ya cant say anything nice    12:18am 16/05/2009   just keep ignoring the crazy suicidal person who wants to blame you for their problems sorry i totally liked u but ur freakouts over south korea made me not want you anyway        Post   decisions    02:33am 10/05/2009   i want to meet her and possibly fall in love she seems too good to be true but then theres matt, who says im the best part of his life even though he makes me sick sometimes i know i love him but wheres the for life potential? i want someone i can have kids with probably when i wanna settle down anyway why does anyone like me? ill wreck it i wreck it with all people even silent super , who was the last person i rreally connected with online to end up dating and then cuz honestly as much as i liked nate, we didnt connect much online but as friends, i never thought of him as more and the others arent even worth mention to be honest, except maybe scott who is also a friend but what happened with silent and i to kill our blooming relationship? was it matt? with her will it just disappear into aquantance too?        Post   Revelations    04:25am 09/05/2009   I don't believe in anything and I don't really trust anyone, not even myself        Post   slept almost all day might have flu or think have flu for hypocondriac purposes    09:07pm 01/05/2009   revolution! fighting off the bad, a group of fellow revolutionaries clung to me, cheered me as their leader i snuck away to fight the evil while leaving one male love interest and an adoring child behind ran down hill of sabarton, hopped a few fences told police about these evl people stopped and grabbed weapons ran into evils, attempted to use weapons nothing hurt them, they were as gods or super villains stood in the bank with them, the dumbest was holding me with his mind somehow he had that power even though he seemed barely functioning ability he wanted me, he always did so i started rubbing his genitals in an effort to distract him instead it made me want him his mind power only sent the animalistic hunger need of sex so we snuck away and had sex somehow my revolutionary needs caught onto him so he let me go and created a diversion to distract the captors giving me time to free some rebels and work more on our attack i was online and a guy started chatting with me about indian myths and religion he was hitting on me and talking about seeing me too then he disclosed that he was 16 i told him he was too young and he said even though i was ugly and old he liked me to which i told him to go away and began trying to block him it took a few tries somehow matt arrived at my house drunk with some drunk drugged up friends he was then rude bosisng me around telling me to give him some money i pretended to give him all i had, about 5 or 7 dollars that were ironed for some reason i hid the rest i told him to go because i had a headache i was very courteous, apologizing to his friends and saying it wasn't them it was just that i hadnt known they were coming and i was sick he was yelling, his friend at first seemed to understand but then all his friends started yelling at me too i kicked him out, his friends followed he was still yelling at the door telling me he was never coming back again and i said that was fine and told him how i wanted a real bf anyway they wouldn't go away so i called the cops, the german ones first then the other ones, which were a rock band who had a tv show devoted to protecting their fans        Post   dreams mixed with fan fiction    08:02pm 30/04/2009   I stood with clark and we heard them talk in a long limo, they are going to wipe our friend's memory and make him loyal to one man, one company only. we had to find lex, to learn how to stop his father or at least help our friend escape. i seduced lex and once we got him away we began to ask him lots of questions, sometimes forgetting some i flew to save us which in the hurry i think he attributed to clark i was showering and he came in to spy on me but i became invisible when startled he still didnt notice clark left after we figured out how to save our friend i still had to keep lex occupied he smiled at me when clark left and called me a tease with no clark to protect me then he proceeded to *rape* me and found out how much of a sex goddess i am we made crazy fuck all over the place and lex felt he'd won out to clark as if clark'd ever had the chance yup i have a thing for misunderstood slightly grey area villains except on the watchmen i only heart for one guy and he til the end represented what he wanted and felt the world should want only to end up a spot in a cold world i was trying to get a job or application at subway because i needed money and had a thing for a guy who worked there my sister's baby was born with full hair lookin about 2 years old and with a mustache my mom was pissed with me about some money thing she chased me in the parking lot i flew away        Post   dreams and others    01:39pm 26/04/2009   i had a dream about adam i was walking with ron and we ran into adam he was drunk and told me he was horny and put his arms around me i was pretty turned on which made ron leave he talked about how he liked me for some reason, how cute i was i almost told him i had a crush on him even in high school i stopped myself i was playing online at the teletech library, pretending like i still worked there the librarian thought i did and she was either ashley or felicia, im not sure which i picked up a book that looked eductaional and it seemed to be based on the simpsons i also recieved a device which would allow me to alter reality somehow i was on a moving rock and had to save adam, who was remarkably skinny i popped him on my back and carried him as easily as a child i kept altering reality when we were about to slide off the rocks and die when i saw some girls falling too, i grabbed their arms to save them as well the dude standing at the edge, where safety was charged money which was ok because i finally caught the hang of the reality device and made it so we had however much he needed for us and the girls we walked around and talked about sex and how much of it we've had i told him id only been with a girl once and she was ok, but tasted bad and her bf was annoying we were in a mall and somehow i lost him        Post   Freeing up from social ills among other things    04:14am 26/04/2009   I find myself needing to be online so people can contact me if they need me wasn't that why i got rid of my cell phone? to get rid of the anxiety of people possibly calling me sometimes i dont know what is worse, being contacted or not i dread the phone call, but at times want it, long to hear the ring so i can ignore it same as im, i want to see the flashing light, see if someone wrote me something interesting enough for my attention or if it's just bs People have to try so hard for me to like them it's like i run em thru tests and disqualify them so easy people i go out of my way to contact at this point equals one and that was when i was drunk the story I lost my wallet and decided to absolve myself of the binding which is a bank account my friends were wasted and it was hilarious i decided i needed to be as wasted as they so i took about 5 or so shots of jameson, tatto, smirnoff, and jose cuervo we wastily walked downtown to a mutual friend's birthday party we held hands and laughed and talked about crazy shit at the party the guy i crush on was there the guy with asperger's or autism i accidentally knocked a piece of his cake on the floor he was all over me somehow he is so shy but he talks to me sometimes i think i may be the only one who hears him but not last night last night my friends all heard him say you should come home with me something about me being drunk and maybe he was going to protect me make sure i got home safe or maybe he wanted to rape me in my drunken state i dont even know if hes gotten laid before he is so shy        Post

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