morning sickness has officially started.
i forgot to put this picture up last time.
i am trying to figure out what to write on the picture and mail to family. like: guess who is throwing up this very moment? ya. i think i will stick with something a little less sarcastic. lol. i wish russ were here. he should be home in a few hours. we are going to his parent today to tell them. i dont really like everyone's attention on me so i am a little nervous.
on thursday i took a pregnancy test and went back to sleep cuz i was sick. russ said it was negative but when i read it later it had a very faint line. took another one on july 4th, saturday and it came back positive before the three minutes were even up! i am pregnant after all of these months of trying. i had an appointment this coming week set up to look into fertility issues! this hasnt really sunk in yet and i dont think it will until i hear the heartbeat or see an ultrasound. i am going to be a mother.. i hope i can handle it all.
about a week and a half ago i thought that i had the best news in the world: i thought i was pregnant. the test had a very faint blueish line and my husband saw it too. so we were going to wait a few days and try again. so in the mean time i am feeling like shit, and the days prior to this i thought i maybe had the flu and a week long persistant headache, bad backache, so i looked up pregancy symptoms and everything i was feeling was there. so i decided to test. anyways a few days later i took a digital one that said no ( was unsure about the sensitivity with that one..) so then i took a blood test on wednesday, results on thursday was no. i was hurting and not until recently i am ok trying to figure out what might have happened. was i pregnant and miscarried? or i just never was pregnant and had all of the symptoms by a tragic coincidence. copied this from a website i was just reading. one of the things that helped me feel better is that russ was there for ME. i know he was sad but i was afraid that he would be upset at me. he was supportive with me. i love him so much and i knew we had 12 chances to get pregnant every year so this wasn't as devastating as it actually felt.
Scenario 3:
Situation:
A woman pees on a pregnancy test. She sees a positive result. She has a blood test done at her doctor's office. The blood results are negative. Later, her period starts. Now she's mad at the test manufacturer for her "false positive."
Commentary:
A non-pregnant women usually has 0-2 mIU/mL† of hCG in her blood, with 0.5† being the average. (Peri- and post-menopausal woman can have up to 12 mIU/mL!)† There are two types of pregnancy blood tests: quantitative, which measures the quantity of hCG in the blood in numbers, and qualitative, which measures the quality of hCG (either positive-- reaching a predetermined cutoff point set by the lab, or negative.) A level of 5 or less is usually deemed "not pregnant" by labs. Some labs use a cutoff point of 20 or 25 as a "positive" threshold. In other words, they do something very similar to peeing on a stick-- except they use a test designed for blood instead of urine.
Most pregnancy tests are more sensitive than advertised (though not all tests, even among the same brand, are equally sensitive. If there are 3 tests in a box, they will all detect AT LEAST the advertised sensitivity-- say, 25 mIU/mL-- but one may detect 17, another 13, another 6.) Consumer Reports once found that First Response Earliest Result was capable, on occasion, of detecting as little as 4.5 mIU/mL. In other words, home pregnancy tests are capable of detecting very, very small amounts of hCG and detecting pregnancies very, very early.
The important thing to remember in this scenario is that when an embryo secretes hCG, it is metabolized into the blood first, and takes another day or two to reach the urine. Likewise, when hCG dissipates, it leaves the blood first. So, when a miscarriage occurs, the hormone will linger in the urine for a short while after it is gone from the blood.
So, it is entirely possible for a pregnancy test to detect a pregnancy and turn positive, followed by a negative blood test-- simply because the embryo has produced a small amount of hCG before dying. That small amount is enough to trigger a positive HPT, and small enough to dissipate from the blood stream by the time a blood test is conducted.
Solution:
Miscarriages are devastating. But it's devastating to be unsure if you've had one, too! While it can be incredibly frustrating to receive conflicting results, for the reasons outlined above, it is possible to be told "yes" by a pee-stick and "no" by a blood test. Technically both results are correct. At the time the pee-stick turned positive, hCG resulting from a pregnancy was present in the urine. And at the time of the blood test, that hCG had already dissipated due to miscarriage, resulting in a negative test.
Per the "solution" outlined in Scenario #2 above, I tend to think it is best to assume miscarriage rather than false positive in terms of identifying and treating any possible underlying medical condition in the event of repeat miscarriage.
contemplativeok so i think the check russ wrote for his car has bounced and i dont know how to tell him. he is going to go ape shit. i feel like its partly my fault even though i cant justify that at all. i just wish he would have listened to me about buying a car. we never could afford another car payment. its a wonder i fell asleep last night after i found out. i shouldn't be scared to tell him anything but i really just wish i didn't have to tell him. maybe the best way is to pull up his account on the internet and ask him if he wants to look at it. its still a round about way of saying really bad news. even though he will still be miserable at least i don't have to be the one to tell him. well i hope he can figure out that "withdrawal in the amount of 350" appearing twice with a fee of 28 is something different but i don't see what else it could be.
i found a lighter in russ's pocket tonight while he is sleeping. he has told me like five times that he is not smoking. every day he comes home from work he is chewing a fresh piece of gum like maybe he is trying to hide it. it could be that he is using it to help any cravings. but i swear if i find out he has been lying to me i will flip out. i am supposed to be able to trust him. i cant stand liars.
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alot of my recent entries have been private ones involving personal matters like sex etc... so anyway. this one is about baby making. (keep reading if you are bored)
we have been trying to get pregnant, this will be the fourth month now. we have had problems with timing even though most of the time we have sex on at least one of the days we should .. even though thats only maybe like a 10% chance of getting pregnant. its hard because in the past we felt like it was something we had to do. like a chore .. not fun. like robots and it wasnt fun it wasnt working .. and well lets face it not always climaxing because of it. so now i cant let him know when the days are to try and he wasnts me to forget about it. but now that i know what days your supposed to start having alot of sex .. its not really a fact you can forget. so i feel like i still have to make it fun for both of us and try to get him in the mood on the right days. but sometimes i am not in the mood and sometimes he wont be .. and like last month i told him that it was a lot of pressure for me and i felt unhappy about it. so thats when he did say not to worry about it and let it happen. and people tell me that i wont get pregnant until i stop trying lol. one of the recent times we had sex he started thinking about names and asking me what i thought. he said somtimes he does think to himself after we have sex, things like .. if we made a baby tonight what would we call it. hearing shit like that touches me and also makes it harder to deal with when i find out i am not pregnant. last week i stayed in bed for half the day when my period came. the rest of the day i was a depressed couch potato. so.. this is difficult to deal with because i am used to being in almost direct control of what i want. i want to buy something.. go make more money. i want to learn how to play guitar .. go get lessons .. i want to have a baby... have lots of sex and wait around and hope that it was the right time and that there is nothing wrong with you or your fiance and find out two weeks later whether you are or not and if you keep having trouble figure out what your going to do about it. i am done. maybe i can sleep now. i love russ even though he snores all night.
contemplativeso russty and i are getting married. he asked me at 12:30 am on may 31st. his car was wrecked on friday morning so he had a really bad day. and in bed he looked at me and said that he was so happy he had me.. he didnt know what he would do without me and started crying a little. and he asked me if i was thinking what he was thinking and i said i dont know .. i am wishing you would ask me to marry you .. and he said yes thats it. and he asked me if i would marry him. so it was romantic and it really showed me how he loves me. so we have been trying to make plans and i got a little carried away and started wanting a traditional wedding. then i started thinking about all the details and the money and decided to elope again. lol. and last night we were looking at rings and i wrote our vows:
I choose you to be my partner
My lover and best friend.
I choose you to be the Father/Mother of my children.
I choose you to be my fishing partner,
My camping partner,
My hiking partner,
And my partner in mischief.
I choose you with confidence,
That I will love what surprises I discover,
And the lessons you teach me.
May your brilliance light my path in life
I choose you to build my confidence,
To laugh at all of my jokes,
To help me when I am afraid to take another step.
I choose to love you for all eternity.
and we are ordering wedding bands that will be engraved on the outsidde:
"I chose you for all eternity"
this is titanium
and on the inside will be the wedding date
Your Halloween Costume Should Be |
 |
You Are In a Crunch Ice Cream |
 The perfect combo: a completely nuts person who likes to be touched |
Your Elf Name Is... |
 |
Who Should Paint You: Pablo Picasso |
 Your an expressive soul who shows many emotions, with many subtleties Only a master painter could represent your glorious contradictions |
Your Lucky Underwear Is Red |
 You're confident and bold, and your lucky red underwear will only make you more sure of yourself. You have a great zest for life, and you tend to take on impossible goals - and succeed. When it comes to love, it's hard for you to take the time to open up. You're too busy conquering the world. So if you're looking for a little more romance, put on your red underpants. And see where their passion takes you! |
You are 93% Aquarius |
 |
Your Inner Child Is Surprised |
 You see many things through the eyes of a child. Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded. You cherish all of the details in life. Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things. |
Your Seduction Style: Au Natural |
 You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you. |
You're A Passed Out Drunk |
 Drinking gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, until you're thrown in the back of a police car... |
ok so i am going back to college, moving back in with mom. and i am not happy here anymore. my roomates suck. they get drunk together and pretend i dont exsist. including jamie. that hurts. and she got pissed that i asked tony over when my other roomates bring strangers over including jamie. so .. i am upset. i also feel like she looks down her nose at me. because she has a career and she can manage her money.
from "in the Spirit of Crazy Horse" by Peter Matthiessen
"We did not ask you white ment to come her. The Great Spirit gave us this country as a home. You had yours. We didn not interfere with you. The Great Spirit gave us plenty of land to live on, and buffalo, deer antelope and other game. But you have come here; you are taking my land from me; you are kiling off our game, so it is hard for us to live. Now, you tell us to work for a living, but the Great Spirit did not make us to work, but to live by hunting. You white ment can work if you want to. We do not interfere with you, and again you say, why do you not become civilized? We do not want your civilzation! We would live as our fathers did, and their fathers before them.
Crazy Horse
i am getting more annoyed by my roomates. while i was gone at work today russ decided to stay at my house. my roomates were going to leave and they didnt want russ to stay here by himself. which is pretty rude. and they keep me up at night making noise. they are pretty inconsiderate. i am getting sick of jamie play fighting with the guys all the time. its annoying and it gets old pretty quickly. today i applied for two jobs at an airline. one is a flight attendant and the other is a cust. service rep. dude i hope i get the job. cuz it would be fun and i would have my foot in the door to become a flight attendant.
omg some shit hit the fan today. i went to moms house to clean my shit out because they were moving. ok so i stay out with mom too late to get my shit so i call out of work planning on getting it done today. this morning the bank calls and says they need 500 bucks by noon or they are taking my car. thats some shit. so mom says she will help but i should move back home. and she decides not to move because the rent would have been too expensive. ok. so i start thinking about it and even though i hate them, i dont think i would be able to go back to college unless i moved back in with them. cuz i wont have to pay as much rent. and i really really need to move foward with life and go back to college. i feel like i have lost myself as a person and i dont know how to get back. so i need to use the goals that i used to have before my life fell apart and maybe i will find myself again. being with them really made me analyze my life.
frustratedi feel lonely tonight. insecure. talked to allan again and i think i got the last bit of emotional residue (i like that term) out. talked about out fatal flaw. i am actually getting tired now so i might put on a movie and go to bed. i had coffee and i think its keeping me up. that sucks.
lost at sea
with no where to be
waiting to for a hero
to save me
waves roll over
and i am pulled under
save me please
save me
suffocating, drowning
my emotions
is a sea inside of me
save this girl
please save her
before she goes down
to the bottom ground
just thought of this. i started out with the concept and ran with it. not about me... anymore.
i talked to allan today. i found out that he stopped talking to me cuz he thought i needed space. but really i was stressing because he wasnt talkiing to me. so we failed. it was all his fault and he knows it. so now i have my closure. it feels weird. i thought i knew him better than i really did. that bothers me. it bothers me alot. i am going to be so hesitant on my next relationship because of him. maybe thats a good thing, maybe its a lesson learned. i find the more lessons learned the closer you are to being a cynical bitch. so at the moment i feel lost, trying to process what happened today. and for the first time since i started taking my new medicine i felt depressed. it didnt last long. i do have trouble thinking positively alot of the time. me not thinking negative thoughts is a big step by itself. which i have stopped .. but now i have got to take the next step and start thinking positively. and maybe good things will happen. good things will happen. i just need to take things one day at a time right now until i have more control over my life. i am really looking forward to duane coming to visit. that is one example of me taking control. i asked him to come .. i stoped being afraid. i moved to north beach. i am out of reach from my mom finally. that is taking control. i got help for being bipolar. i am strong. i can get through alot of problems. i can do it. i am a fighter. i dont give up. hows that for positive thinking.
cuz i cant sleep and i have already took two xanax's and i am not allowed to take more
so i was reading my past entries and realized that yes i am sad about allan. but i walk away from that relationship knowing true love and true sacrifice to make things work. but in the end he wasnt putting in the same effort so that was it. i dont think he loved me like he said. i dont know. i will always wonder if he stopped loving me and that caused the end. but my big thing now is wondering if he realizes what i sacrificed for him. i really doubt he does. i sacrificed my family and my self security to be with him. i sacrificed alot of happiness putting up with his mother and all the little kids running around the house making me have panic attacks and hide in my room. he never stood up for me. my man has to stand up for me. theres a line where you can only comprimise so much before things arent worth it anymore. he was far passed that line unfortunately. it was impossible to stay in a relationship with him. i feel bad and i feel guilty for what happened. it still hurts. this isnt something that i can just say oh ya .. it happened and not grieve. it has been so much easier thought .. the pills i am on are great. i dont feel like i bleed emotions anymore. but i can still feel that pain of heartbreak. i have no closure right now. thats what bugs me. i tried talking to him but it didnt work. so i am going to eventually see him again when i get the fish tank back from his house... and maybe we will talk about it then. i feel so old. i have been through alot and have overcome alot of things. older people see that in me. that i act like i am 30 .. that i have had enough life experience to be ten years older. i forget my age and when i remember its like gosh .. thats a young number that i dont feel. i dont have anything left to say tonight. i hope i have good dreams about good people .. good friends like jamie or duane. the few people who show that they love me. i hate fighting with my family. they can be so hurtfull. i am even more sad about how they treat me than i am about the break up. my heart has a couple different gashes on it with a couple different names to go with it.
lol. i am talking to duane. he is seriously comming and i am beyond excited. i may piss myself when i see him. i told him i want to elope. and he said he would if he could move here and i want to cry. i want to marry him on the beach at sunrise. sunrise would be so romantic .. like a new beginning. a new life with the perfect man. i want to have a family .. i want it all. and its strange how this seems to work out. we can be together when our lives are stable enough to give us what we want in our relationship... a serious commitment if possbile .. and when we are both mature enough to handle it. which i can only say that now i am ready. so its like fate .. it has its way of working itself out and pushing our life paths together at the correct point.
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