11:27pm 13/09/2003
  i want witnesses to this that he said it so if something happens other ppl know it

FirePyroPixie0: that i know things are always going to stay the same and i should just give up but i wont give up on you even if it always goes like this
FirePyroPixie0: ...
DarkNemesisDA: jean-na... im not giving up
FirePyroPixie0: i know
FirePyroPixie0: i am just trying more than ever
DarkNemesisDA: i know... and jean-na i mean it still when i say i love you
FirePyroPixie0: i have alot to think about right now
FirePyroPixie0: alot
DarkNemesisDA: jean-na... im not leaveing.... i admit i thought about it, and i know you dont want to hear it, but i love you and i dont want to take the easy way out, i want to stay with you and work through my fears too
FirePyroPixie0: what are your fears
DarkNemesisDA: commitment
FirePyroPixie0: why are you so scared to let me get close to you
DarkNemesisDA: im just scared... i cant really explain it
FirePyroPixie0: i wish i could take that away and i cant
FirePyroPixie0: i dont know how to feel, i dont know what to say, i dont know what to do...i am torn between what i want and what is best for my well being
FirePyroPixie0: i care way to much about you
FirePyroPixie0: for my own good
DarkNemesisDA: ???
FirePyroPixie0: i learned long ago that my mom was right when she said every one you will ever love will at one point or another...never mind
DarkNemesisDA: i got to go... nikita is raping chris's sisters
FirePyroPixie0: come back later?
DarkNemesisDA: yeah ill be back in a bit
FirePyroPixie0: ok i love you
FirePyroPixie0: bye

Auto response from DarkNemesisDA: Ahhh! MOO! The evil cows are attacking me! MOO! Can't you hear them?! MOOOOOOO! Ah make it stop! MOMMY!!!!!!!

DarkNemesisDA: i love you jean-na
DarkNemesisDA: and im not leaving
FirePyroPixie0: i love you kevin and i know
1 :'* gimeakiss
08:45pm 13/09/2003
mood: indescribable


i love him so much and he doesnt even know the extent of it at all, i feel like i dont know what to think anymore. My mom is getting worse rapidly and i just think im going to go live with leah so i dont have to deal with it because then it would be so much easier to think that things are fine and nothing is wrong. Jeremy keeps telling me i can come there and i dont want to because kevin is here and my mother is here and i just cant walk out on her when she needs me so much~ Kevin and I talked and he said hes not going to leave me, i was so upset i couldnt hardly breathe to talk
"Why cant' you see That I want You
I Need You In everything That I do
I want you Cause I Love you and
everything About You"
well, this is what was said he told me that " he didnt know if he could handle me in his life" and that hurt until he explained it hes doing school and is going to be working soon, im starting school too again and i will be working in 2 weeks so i mean its not going to be so easy to see each other at all because i will have little time and he said he wants to spend time with me, and he wants to spend time with his friends and i totally understand that because i have been feeling the same way, i just still cant get out of my head thinking it feels like hes going to leave, i just wish tomorrow or sometime he would just show up no call no nothing and suprise me and just spend the day talking laughing and bullshitting with no problems just like before 2 weeks ago just a nice day. Just a day where he can show me that he loves me he just needed time...i dont know thats not really something easy to ask for.
05:08pm 12/09/2003
  i am going to be strong this time and not fall to the point where i cant seem to get back up, why do i try when every where i turn things are falling apart on me...i mean i cant comprehend what happened last night and all the things i learned. I need to understand that i can not always expect things to happen like they do, i need a break from all of these things i cant stand.  
1 :'* gimeakiss
what do i do, so many emotions   
12:48pm 11/09/2003
mood: crushed

live a lie

Live A Lie
I can't seem to find out what I feel
Burned out dreams of others which I can steal
Take or leave this way I seem to you, it eats right through you
Ripped up parts of things I should do, I'll run around and tell you screaming
Oh I live a lie, oh I live a lie, oh why even try
I've been leaving thoughts below
Still I feel I should know
Still don't see much of me giving in
Much too strong to live outside these sins
Feeling like I'm taken lightly, think you see right through me
Words of those that still despise me, think it's eating me you're dreaming
Oh I live a lie, oh I live a lie, oh why even try
I've been leaving thoughts below
Still I feel I should know
When I seem to believe all that I've done wrong
You can take all that's right I will still move on
Taken all I can give it seems that I don't belong
Push me further from this go on
Oh I live a lie, oh I live a lie, oh why even try
I've been leaving thoughts below
Still I feel I should know

what the hell am i doing pretending, why cant i just accept whats going on why does it hurt so bad, i found out my mom has MS and i was so upset so i called him late and was bawling my eyes out and i was talking to him and im like "kevin im not ok" and then i noticed he had fallen asleep so i said ill talk to you tomorrow and he said bye and hung up and i was just crying my eyes out and ....he just let me go i mean i know that there is alot going on in his life but of all the times i stayed up late into the night for hours while he told me how he felt about his dads death and all the times i sat on the phone about to fall apart from lack of sleep barley keeping my eyes open then hes gonna just do that to me, then i hear from his friend all this bull shit yesterday and he is gonna say he said none of it that its just chris's opinion but if kevin hadnt said ne thing then chris would have said no he didnt say it not i cant say, that what makes me feel that kevin is lying but no matter what i always believe him always but when am i going to realize i cant sit back and worry just let things go if he stays he stays if he leaves he leaves, there r so many reasons why i cant just sit back and embrace things i have this gut feeling that things are different and i dont know what to do, my sister was talking to me she said go with ur gut because your heart and your mind can be influenced, i just love him so much it hurts to think something is going wrong why the hell do i hurt? things have to get better soon with us they just have to. i have to go i cant even type i just keep crying.
2 :'* gimeakiss
06:08pm 10/09/2003
  FirePyroPixie0: is kevin there
b balI er: nope
FirePyroPixie0: grrrr
b balI er: but i just got back from the docters and i had to see if i had a hurina

b balI er: and the docter was a girl
b balI er: and she was HOT
b balI er: and she felt my nuts, lol
FirePyroPixie0: did u have one?
b balI er: i think she liked it
FirePyroPixie0: omg!!!
b balI er: no i didn't
b balI er: she was like 30 to
b balI er: she was all into it
FirePyroPixie0: i went to the doc too i had a pap and a cancer screan
FirePyroPixie0: lol did u get her number
b balI er: naaaa
FirePyroPixie0: u should have asked her
b balI er: lol my mom came in right after that
b balI er: soo..
FirePyroPixie0: haha
FirePyroPixie0: i have a friend shes super hot and she is one of the girls i used to model with she said she wants to meet a guy and...u dont have a girl and im telling u shes hot!
b balI er: lol
FirePyroPixie0: would u like to meet her?
b balI er: naa i already have a girl inmind
b balI er: she's in my automotive class
FirePyroPixie0: thats cool, is she hott?
b balI er: lol yeah
FirePyroPixie0: thats cool just keep the pecker in ur pants cuz...thats trouble
b balI er: lol yeah i know
FirePyroPixie0: kevin is gonna be so pissed at me tonite and i am dreding talking to him but i have to so hed better come over after school
FirePyroPixie0: i didnt cheat on him or do ne thing wrong, but i have some info from the doctor thats gonna make him upset
b balI er: ...
b balI er: you better not have a baby..
b balI er: that'll like kill kevins life
FirePyroPixie0: well...im not gonna tell u what it is because i want to tell him my self but anyways im not gonna even go there
FirePyroPixie0: im not preg
b balI er: lol k good
FirePyroPixie0: lol scare u?
b balI er: lol that would totally fuck up kevins life if you where
FirePyroPixie0: mine 2....
b balI er: yeah..
b balI er: both of you would be screwed
FirePyroPixie0: yup i got on b/c 2day
b balI er: that's cool
FirePyroPixie0: they gave me like 3 packs of condoms
FirePyroPixie0: i was like AWSOME!
b balI er: lolol dang
FirePyroPixie0: i just have alot going on i found out my mom has m/s yesterday
b balI er: ohh dang that sucks
b balI er: sorry
FirePyroPixie0: she can die from that and i am so upset and, i called kevin last night cuz i was bawlin my eyes out and he fell asleep on the phone i was so upset
b balI er: dang
FirePyroPixie0: hes been different to me latley and, i think somethings wrong and he wont tell me and...i have almost had enough of it
b balI er: uhh he's been acting the same around me
FirePyroPixie0: i did my hair super cute and yesterday he came over and said it looked like crap i just went into my room and cried
b balI er: so i don't know what to tell ya
FirePyroPixie0: he has?
FirePyroPixie0: so its not just me?
b balI er: no i mean
b balI er: he's been acting normal
b balI er: around me
FirePyroPixie0: hummerz and he hasnt said ne thing to u about it
b balI er: noope
FirePyroPixie0: listen to this ok
b balI er: alrighty
FirePyroPixie0: he says he loves me and all this stuff and then when were around other people he acts like im not good enough and then i mean i talk to my friends about him and he dont say one thing about me...and sometimes i just wonder if he like thinks im not good enough and hes been so distant and even told me if i dont quit smoking hes gonna leave, i think hes just looking for a reason to leave me
FirePyroPixie0: he wont hang out with me, he like says im busy
FirePyroPixie0: and does other things and all i ask is for a few minutes cuz so much is going on
b balI er: uuhh
b balI er: hmm
FirePyroPixie0: what do u think, i mean u know him so well
b balI er: well i don't want to say nothing
b balI er: lol
b balI er: cause i mean i don't want to tell you something and then you guys break up because of me
b balI er: i don't want that shit
FirePyroPixie0: just tell me i wont say a word
b balI er: lol sry i'm too good of friend to say anything about kevin
FirePyroPixie0: did he tell u something, i mean...if he did just say yea and leave it at that
FirePyroPixie0: because if hes gonna leave me then...i wish hed just do it now and quit dicking with me i just cant take it
b balI er: lol i can't even answer that
b balI er: i don't want to say nothing
FirePyroPixie0: thank you thats enough to know he did
FirePyroPixie0: why does this hurt so bad...
b balI er: no no no
b balI er: don't do anything
b balI er: i mean he isn't going to break up with you.....
FirePyroPixie0: then what is it
FirePyroPixie0: he wont tell me and i mean i cant take it
b balI er: i can't say nothing i just want to be a middle man
FirePyroPixie0: if somethings wrong i have a right to know
FirePyroPixie0: either he tells me today or im taking a walk because i cant let him do what everyone else did to me
FirePyroPixie0: i just cant take it one more time
b balI er: just tell me this
b balI er: i know it's personal but just tell me
b balI er: how long have you guys been going out?
FirePyroPixie0: 2 months
b balI er: and when did you first have sex with him
FirePyroPixie0: a week after
b balI er: LOLOL
b balI er: that's your problem
FirePyroPixie0: ?
b balI er: you can't do that
b balI er: that's to early
FirePyroPixie0: yea and i think i just got hurt again
b balI er: i mean you should seriously wait a WHILE before you start having sex
b balI er: atleast like 2 months
b balI er: before you start to have sex with someone
FirePyroPixie0: but its not like i just met him
b balI er: my ex made me wait like 6 months
b balI er: before she had sex with me
b balI er: and that's what makes a relationship interesting
FirePyroPixie0: i will know better next time
b balI er: is making the guy wait more and more
b balI er: but no too long
FirePyroPixie0: so he did say somethin to u about it
b balI er: i can't say..sorry
b balI er: i mean sex is fun in all, i love sex
FirePyroPixie0: i feel like my insides are twisting and turning in knots
b balI er: but i mean if you have TOO MUCH SEX
b balI er: then that's bad
b balI er: cause your relationship is just sex
b balI er: that's it
FirePyroPixie0: no its not
b balI er: lol trust me i know these things
FirePyroPixie0: but its not i care so much about him
b balI er: when i guy fucks the same girl ahella lot
b balI er: she intends to get loose
b balI er: and guys don't like that feeling
b balI er: they like a tightness
b balI er: and when you have sex as much as you and kevin do...
FirePyroPixie0: i get the point
b balI er: see i'm a guy i know these things
FirePyroPixie0: i try so hard tho to make him happy and i guess im not enough
b balI er: you are good enough
b balI er: just from now on
b balI er: have sex like maybe twice a month
b balI er: if that
b balI er: 3 times at mose
FirePyroPixie0: ok
b balI er: you guys can do other things besides sex
FirePyroPixie0: i know he must have said something
b balI er: i can't say that
b balI er: but i'm just giving you tips
FirePyroPixie0: no but it shows in the things u are saying
b balI er: to make your guys relationship more interesting
FirePyroPixie0: why cant he just tell me these things
b balI er: uhh
b balI er: i dunno
FirePyroPixie0: because it hurts so much more to hear it from you
b balI er: aww
b balI er: don't be sad
FirePyroPixie0: i have to go
b balI er: kevin likes you a lot
FirePyroPixie0: bye

i think my heart broke, i have to think...maybe i dont know if i can do this any more, he couldnt even tell me his friend had to
4 :'* gimeakiss
02:31pm 08/09/2003
mood: depressed
This whole break up my sister is going through is really making me think about things with my own relationship i mean i love kev to death and i know i would do ne thing for him but i am always thinking im not trying hard enough or like sometimes i do things cuz i get scared and panic so i start to get angry cuz i dont know how to deal with the panic and then it turns into me hitting him or something and i feel so bad for it i have to learn not to do it and chill out, i just have to!
2 :'* gimeakiss
12:54am 06/09/2003
mood: horny
me n kevy went to the drive in guess what we did???~didnt watch the movies, lmao!
7 :'* gimeakiss
01:45am 05/09/2003
mood: nauseated

where is the love

Why do people have to be so god damned cruel. What does it matter to anyone if someone is gay stright lesbian bi sexual or any thing why discriminate based on sexual prefrance i mean people cant help how they are they are born that way and who is to say that someone has to be with this sex or that sex. God put everyone here for a reason and not to be picked apart because of the person they cant help being it just angers me to hear how awful people treat there own, i mean come on where does it get anyone to be cruel it cant feel good to them! Life she is a bitch sometimes and i just find it so appaling that good people endure such things. Why? No one deserves it, i didnt deserve it when people hurt me over and over again. Now looking back i dont question it because they wouldnt think twice about it sometimes i hope it eats them inside i hope they dream about it i hope they feel it

A poem written by Jonathan Robert De La Mont Blurty name : rubberfroggies
I Have Known

You talk of love behind my back.
"Careful not to let 'him' hear too much."
Afterall, I'm only seventeen.
But i have known love.

You whisper of abuse.
"Careful not to wound 'him' with reality."
Afterall, why taint hopeful youth.
But i have known abuse.

You gossip quietly about persecution.
"Careful not to expose 'him' to the ugly truth."
Afterall, he already knows that CHILDREN can be so cruel.
But i have known persecution.

You preach behind closed doors of passion.
"Careful not to get 'him' too worked up."
Afterall, i might never come down from my soapbox.
But i have known passion.

You testify of retribution and forgiveness.
"Careful not to let 'him' lose hope."
Afterall, we all deserve a second chance.
But i have...No...I have known nothing of retribution or forgiveness.

this is one of the most beautiful poems i have ever read-and to think he is 17 and so skilled, read it because not many abused adolesants can pour there hearts into such beauty!
12:31am 05/09/2003
mood: cold

Your Letter

My boyfriend wont talk to me, hes busy so i guess i will write
he said he was gonna come over today but obviously he didnt and he didnt call or ne thing and then he said he was at his aunts and with his mom and thats ok cuz ima have to get used to it since i might be working soon, idk whats going on. Hes been kinda distant even when hes around me. i guess it might be me a little im having so much on my plate that i dont want to deal with my mom has been a grumpy ass latley and its so hard to even want to be around her when shes all pissed off like this, so i have been sleeping alot to get away from it~ she yelled about dumb shit so i just played with my wookie and stuff, (wookie is my cocker spaniel) hes so cute and he dont have to be on a chain out side he just stays right by my side hes such a good dog, im still scared he will get hit by a car or something, idk im going to bed kevin just pissed me off so ima go before i get pissed off some more
1 :'* gimeakiss
ok i didnt go   
10:59pm 04/09/2003
mood: quixotic


i didnt go to the dentist, i cant go until like monday now and watch MONDAY I WONT GO EITHER! grawwrrr idk what i got a job offer at big johns and im going up there to talk to the manager tomorrow about getting the job i got told about so yeah yeah, i guess thats cool, but what happens when it turns into me and kevin never have time for each other ne more, blah i wont think about that i just cant because ima worry my self to much i need a job by any means nessicary i need things and im sick of not having money, i have to do this as much as i dont want to~ima get past this anxiety im just gonna jump feet first into the public and hope it dont take me down with it~
11:12am 04/09/2003
mood: productive

Next Time you Bleed

Love:~*!-You can't help showing off just a little. Your beloved makes you stand a little taller. Move beyond thoughts of the past and into the relationship itself.

DayView:~*!-Gemini comes to appreciate the distance between theory and practice. The physical details of your job threaten to overwhelm you. Now it's easy to find sympathy for those that you once considered strange.

Chinese:~*!-Discussions and arguments will cause agitation in your family life. On the sentimental side, be sure that your desire to immortalize everything immediately isn't a way of excusing yourself from thinking or tranquilizing yourself. Consolidate the relationships that are likely to be useful to you. Watch out -- you'll have a clear tendency to live above your means. Don't think that you'll always be able to get away with it; you're likely to find yourself at a dead end.
1 :'* gimeakiss
11:41pm 03/09/2003
mood: scared


i havnt been home as much as i would like and i guess i have been busy alot which differs greatly from sitting home feeling sorry for my self and dwelling on things that can not be fixed, ah oh well i like the out and about hustle of the real world, im thinking i might be ok with ppl if only i give it all a chance...thats my problem giving things a chance i panic just like i am right now with the whole dentist thing tomorrow what am i gonna do with my self no matter how much i talk my self down i cant seem to get my self to calm down, im gonna convince my self there is no need in panicing because tons of ppl do this every day with little or no problem although; tons of ppl are scared to go they still go and even if its all i can do to drag my ass out of bed to the dentist im gonna do it because i cant take this pain any more i just cant...IM GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH THIS SHIT IF ITS THE LAST DAMN THING I DO!!! i have to prove to my self i can do it omg ppl pray for me even if u dont believe in god cuz well...i need all the help i can get
2 :'* gimeakiss
01:30am 03/09/2003
mood: drunk


ok well not the best day but damn near close i got my wookie, and hes just what i wanted he wont leave me alone and he is always wanting to be with me and no one else its omg so cute, i cant believe it. but ne who i seen my 2 fav ppl today well ones a person the other my wookie, the person is kevin omg...i just love that boi so much and thigns r finally looking up for me...BYE BYE DEPRESSION UR OUTTA HERE!!!
3 :'* gimeakiss
time goes by so slow when u want something   
09:11am 02/09/2003
mood: anxious

im so excited

i am going to the humane society to get my doggy today at 11 thank god its tuesday!!
idk whats gonna happen if ray cant get it then kevin is gonna have to go
i am poor!! ahhh i hate having no money!
1 :'* gimeakiss
01:13am 01/09/2003
mood: full

bob the builder

"Ull never find blong blong blong a fore-head like mine
u aint got a 4 head u got a 5 head!
when u sleep u dont have dreams u watch movies"

1day n a 1/2 left until i get my wookie!!

i hung out with Kevin, Nick and Ashley and Tiff some of the day. The rest it was the 4 of us, i have come to realize ppl dont hang out with me when kevins not around but when he is they all come down and sit and hang out with me and blah blah but when hes not here they dont come around at all...sometimes when i think about it it hurts me to know thats what ppl do but i try not think about it at all, really i dont care ne more to know it

im gonna go to bed and let things go and realize i cant help all the things that i dont like and they will for ever be unchanged *mauh*

1 :'* gimeakiss
i dunno... idk   
12:38am 31/08/2003
mood: worried

dont wanna try

the lights are on but no bodys home...derrr buddy well i seen Kevin today nothing new really it was just one of them days nothing big nothing small, i got sick after eating a hot dog when i went to the neighbor hood watch meeting blah~ I'm so worried I'm not gonna be able to get Wookie on Tuesday tomorrow is already Sunday and i have a fam reunion it will be day 3~quitting smoking i only had 2 today which is good because i used to smoke 2 packs a day! so I'm doing really good for now...i just have my eye on this dog and I'm gonna be heart broken if something happens and i cant get it i just know i will be!
1 :'* gimeakiss
12:21am 30/08/2003
  i love kevin so much i hope he knows what hes doing asking me to stop smoking its so not easy
i love him thats why im doing it

not to mention i really need to do it

its bad for me

it stinks and im always sick!!

i love him i love him i love him i love him hehehe and i have way too much free time and i miss him n he didnt leave too long ago im a fruit cake!
4 :'* gimeakiss
12:15am 30/08/2003
mood: flirty
11:52pm 29/08/2003
mood: dirty


so look down at the events on my to do list and see all the things crossed off and thats what i have accomplished alreadyOk here it is again
1wake up eairly again-i got up
2.go to the humane society again-found a dog
3.go to the dentist-closed until next thursday
4.register for school-not gonna do it
5.go job hunting-filled out a few apps
6.go to thearpy-fell asleep cuz i stayed up all night
7.buy sleeping pills (remind mom)-i did she didnt get them
8.make plans for the weekend i have neighbor hood watch and fam reunion
9.call sarah and make plans-she called me
10.have fun fun fun-i guess i am
3 :'* gimeakiss
10:33pm 29/08/2003
mood: productive

made of glass

I stayed the night at my sister leahs last night and called kevin and stayed on the phone with him until like 2 or 3 cuz we were both supposed to get up eairly but i didnt cuz my sisters alarm didnt go off so she didnt wake up and finally at 3pm i am woke up to kevin looking at me and although i was happy i was *leepin*~as Wyatt would say sleeping hehe, well then i went out and seen his NEW CAR whoot whoot and had him take me to the humane society where i found a cute 3yr old little dog and it loved me it snuggled with me and everything, it was so cute!! so kevin put a hold on it and i can have it tuesday and ima have it or die trying to get it, its already fixed and its so cute its a black cokerspanial
i quit smoking yester day or tired anyways and yester day i smoked 3 whole cigs thats it and i am used to smoking 2 packs so im doing good today i smoked 1 1/2 cuz i smoked a whole one then took a hit off of two cigs so kevin said it was 3 but it wasnt, and if i dont smoke kevins gonna pay the 90 for the dog for me yeah!!! how cool!! but ne who ima go because i need to go to bed so i quit thinking about smoking tata pray for me and wish me some luck *mauh*
Jay~Jay*the jet plane
1 :'* gimeakiss