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| You're looking at my last 20 entries. Missed some entries? For shame. But it's ok, just jump back 20 entries. | |
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Like shooting monkeys in a barrel.
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| Sunday, November 9th, 2008 |
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I went to this website to watch an episode of Scrubs while I ate my sandwhich...but I had no idea what I was in for. After my sandwhich was fully devoured (because I can make a mean sandwhich) I finished the episode and got ready to get up to do the things I need to do. But then...the unimaginable happened...another epiode started playing!! Out of nowhere!! So I thought...maybe this is just one of those two episode uploads that happen from time to time. So I sat and I watched the second episode. When that ended, I got up and was ready to go do the things I was going to do early. Because, surely, the two episoder was over. I was wrong. Before my eyes, a third episode of Scrubs began to play. I was overcome with both joy and awe. Somehow I've stumbled upon an alternate reality, where Scrubs never ends and commercials are a thing of the past. This...this nirvana just keeps playing different episodes without rhyme or reason, and I see no end in sight. I know I have things to do, that must be done...but my urge to do them is squelched by my never ending love of this show. This may be the last any of you ever hear from me again. I predict that I will starve to death from never leaving this chair. Either that or I will go crazy, believe I'm the Janitor, create some crazy Scrubs reality inside of my mind, and live out the rest of my days in a padded room inside an asylum far, far away. I love you all. Well, not all of you, but I have no time for details and explanations...the theme song just ended. David. |
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| Saturday, November 8th, 2008 |
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You know, I have a lot to say about London...but I enjoy telling the stories more than I do writing them. Let me just say there were parties, beer, foreigners, beer, movies, beer, food, beer, sightseeing, beer, beer, and beer. And I drank a little beer, too. My favorite thing was the very top of St. Paul's Chapel, and seeing the reinactment of the various ailments of London done by the fine people at London Dungeon (go there). My hostel was great, the people were friendly, accomodating, and alcoholic. But, as many of you know, I came home early. I got really homesick, especially for certain aspects of my life. Which, really, is what I wanted to happen. Everything about that trip was great. But now I'm back. As soon as I walked into my classroom on thursday, my desk was decorated for my birthday, so I got some gifts. And more gifts trickled in as the week went on. And Wednesday, my coworkers (most of which being made up of beautiful women all around my age) took me out to dinner at the cheesecake factory. I was bought beer, wine, food, and MORE gifts. It was great. And last night I had various drinks whilst sitting no the couch with the guys and flipping back and forth between stand up comedy and scifi channel movies. I purchased some Root Beer flavored vodka...called Root Beer. IT's by this apparently illustrious brand (though I've never heard of it) named Three Olives. Not surprisingly, it goes great with root beer. Who knew? And today I'm going to spend the day playing video games. BECAUSE on Monday we're having the first annual Night Walk at my work. Planned, hosted, and accompanied by your's truly. We're going to walk around the school at night and, yes, look for ghosts. Granted, we will have enjoy food and adult beverages at this bar up the street from work, followed by either scary moviesor scary stories, AND then the walk!! I can't fucking wait. Also, I'm going to be the only guy, while there are, like, 10 girls coming. Of course, they're only coming cause I'm there (let's see how many people pick up on that joke). Gah...I'm stoked. Life is good. David. |
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| Tuesday, November 4th, 2008 |
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I really want to come on here and write something beautiful to help me get over the fact that gay marriage has been banned, for now, in California...but the words aren't coming. Along with a sense of self-riddling blame for not being a registered voter that thought he may have made any difference, I'm also finding myself encompassed with a strange...fire sensation. You know fire, right? How it can start off small...how it can start off controlled for personal entertainment. But this fire feeling, it's like real fire. It feels trapped, feels like it's searching for something to ignite, to engulf, to devour in order to grow larger. And...and like that fire...I want something to burn up right now. I want to place blame, and hurt people, for being so ignorant. No, no...ignorance can't be helped. I try to save that word for people who have never been taught intelligence. You know, like dead babies. Or rocks. But no, what I want to do is lash out on stupid people. The real idiots that chose to ban gay marriage. God damn, see, I can't even use the word idiots. Because I have the ability to brush idiots off as being...well, idiots. You can't really blame someone for being that dumb. Something must have fucked up their brains. You know, like alcoholic pregnant women, or daily molestation. Yea, even idiots is too nice of a word for these... This evil. Yea, I find it evil. But see, before I can continue, I have to let you know. I try my best to remove myself from politics, because I can't handle it. The idiot voters, the corrupt systems, the cut and paste candidates, the blurred promises that never come true...they eat at me. They awaken in me a person I don't like to be alone with. But this time, this little fucking topic that will be overturned in AT MOST 10 years from now...it means a lot to me. Not because of the gays. Not because of rights or morals. But because I had hope that some bible fucking, heartless Californians would have realized that discrimination is NOT ok. Hah! But no, life doesn't work like that. As long as religion runs this country, evil will run rampant. I've never had a reason to hate any religion. Or religion at all. But right now...I'd choose hell over the fucked up policies that your god enforces on good people just because they're different. And because, well, the fact that your god can create something so evil and call it human...I'm reminded of those old tales of the Antichrist. Fuck you all. Because right now I need someone to hate. David. |
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| Sunday, November 2nd, 2008 |
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Follow me through this door my dear, and you will finally see the truth behind his eyes. Don't be shy, step right up and prepare yourself for the truth of truths, ah, but not just those concerned with his everyday lies, no! Here you will learn of the stories he tells himself...when the lights are off...when his bed is sooo cold...when he can't, for the very LIFE of him, seem to figure out what scares him so badly. Yes deary, I will provide you with a window...a looking glass into his darkest of dark dreams, and his most frightening of fears...yes, his greatest hopes and his deeeepest of loves. Aha, I can tell by the look on your face that you're curious, yes? This knowledge of the one you love so dearly...so completely puuulls at you, draws you in, CRIES for you to step through and see the majesty, and yes, the mayhem...that creates him. However! Before you take one more step, before you take one LAST step through this glorious doorway, I beg of you, let me ask but one question. Just one, and I will step aside, ushering you into his soul. My dear...what is it you hope to find? No, no, do not speak it. Words will only butcher, only DESTROY the meaning behind your reasons. Eh heh, as you well know. For why else would you be knocking on this particular door? The words you two have shared do nothing to enlighten you to who he is...WHAT he is. Perhaps THAT fuels your curiosity? Words have failed you, as they have a terrible habit of doing, and so you are stuck lacking the meaning behind him. Perhaps, perhaps. I can tell by the truth in yooour eyes that this seems quite possible. Or, dare I say, quite probable. Then by all means, please, please, enter and see...inquire to the meanings BEHIND the words that have failed you. However! My dear, I ask of you but one...additional...question, should I be so bold as to inquire, for your interest has peaked my own curiosity and, as curiosities are so very troublesome, it has given me my own interest in your purpose. This will take BUT a moment of your time, and I apologize for I know how precious your time in there will be, so I will hurry along, forgoing the remainder of my formalities. I have surmised that you are interested in knowing the meanings behind the things he says, and those, as you well know, are entangled within the things he does...or does not do...and I venture that my estimation is correct due to the lack of your opposition. So I ask, ever so humbly, why must you know these meanings? Now wait, though I am not one to pry, I can still indulge myself in a bit of a story. I do hope you will wait but one more moment and follow along with my guess, dear? It is safe to say that this boy, he has stricken your heart, if not stolen it (the fiend), with the power of love? Aha! A sheepish smile, and sideways grin...just the reaction I would expect from one so...engaaaging as yourself. Now, follow with me here, for you do not have time to waste with this old fool on insignificant points of logic. You love him so dearly...so completely...and yet there is something to doubt? For, why else would you be so concerned with what you cannot understand...unless there is DOUBT, unless there is FEAR? For most, curiosities arise about who someone IS...but you...you two are entwiiiined together, so who he IS could never jeopardize your true feelings, am I correct in saying this? Yes, you are sure? Marvelous! Then your love is real! But, I am sorry, my question is still unanswered. What is it, my dear, that you yearn so desperately to know about him EVEN THOUGH you would love him regardless...you would love him completely still? Unless, of course, your interests do not, necessarily, lie in him. Oh, I apologize for the inconvenience, but this requires yet another question that, I beg of you, must be answered, if only to place an ending on this...most meeesmerizing story. Then I promise, I will give you time in full to pass through this...looking glass...of sorts, in lieu of any costs. With that said, I hurriedly continue with my FINAL question: What is it that you could learn from hearing his unaduuulterated thoughts that have nothing to do with him? Hm, I see you are stumped by this question as well. To take a venture, as ALL great journeys being, we must calculate...yes, ponder. What inside of him, that is not part of who or what HE is, would concern you...? But of course! You want to know what his mind perceives of YOU! Your real desire is not knowing WHO he is, or WHAT he is, or even WHY he is...but rather what YOU are to HIM. Now now, do not bow your head...nor should you lift it to argue. It was never my wish to insult your intentions...but merely attempt to interpret them. And, regardless of how inept I may have been at my translation, the story that has unfolded leaves me all the more curious. Does it not seem odd to search for yourself in someone else? Does it not seem selfish, having complete access to someone's mind and only concerning yourself to what it is you may learn...about yourself? Now, do not misunderstand me, for it is not my intention to belittle your love, no, not at all, but does it make sense for you to be more concerned with your appearance in his eyes, rather than the fears, and hopes, and emotions that create HIM...the one you love so dearly...so completely? Of course, I have plagued you with enough of my questions, so I do not intend to make you wait whilst I articulate an appropriate excuse for these. And, as I can tell by the look in your eyes, I am most likely...misguided in my guesses as it is. So, my dear, this is where I part from your...most intruiiiging company. It is with a fond goodbye that I see you pass through that door. May you find in him whatever it is you are searching for, even if it is...yourself. David. |
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(Love is hope that tomorrow will be worth waking up for. To have no love is to have to no will to rise. To lose love is to experience ultimate pain, but the memory is still capable of sustaining the heart in those dark times. To have never known love is to live a life without a purpose other than your own. To give love away is to truly understand it, and to mourn for that good deed is only human. To give up even though the thought of love has already been known...is to give up on life itself.) To hope for love is to hope for purpose...to hope for reason and meaning...to hope for understanding. Though this may be ironic knowing that love blinds all reason and removes all chance of understanding, there is a divine inspiration that arises from it. That inspiration creates a separate entity that lives within you. It feeds off your hopes. It drinks your happiness. It breathes your passion. It will grow fat, be pleased, and walk proudly through the land as long as the resource of love is abundant. That is its purpose, to live that life of contentment and comfort. Its hope is to be safe and provided for. Love is, quite literally, the life of this small creature. But this creature is fickle. It will rampage if it does not get exactly what it wants, and it mauls if it is denied sustainance. If it is not fed by your good emotions and your joyful feelings, then it will fight for its own survival. It will devour your fears, drink your sadness, and it will breath your anger and jealousy, all the while growing sick and frightful. Yet this beast will fight to live, for life is all it has. With safety removed, with comfort taken, life is all the beast can cling to. Tooth and nail, mind and body, heart and soul, this beast will fight as long, and as hard, as it possibly can. But a beast can only fight for so long before it grows weak from starvation, thrist, and exhaustion, for it cannot live off the emotions of a dying love. Soon, in sync with its creation, it, too, will shed one last tear, breathe one last sigh, and finally collapse. There the beast will die, and with it...the love that it was born from. Over time it will emaciate, rot, and finally decompose into nothing but a fossil, a marker of its forgotten existence. And there, forever, will it lay as a scar on the face of your world. The loss of purpose, the end of hope, and the death of love. David. |
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| Friday, October 31st, 2008 |
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I'm sick. On Halloween. This sucks. I have parties I wanted to go to. And drinks that need to be drunk. And sexy girls in skimpy outfits that I need to be enticed with. I have places I want to go and things (people) I want to do!! Fuck. FUCK. But no. I'm sitting here. I had to come home early from work, I can't go out tonight, and I am so fucking tired I feel like I'm going to fall over. Fuck this shit. In other news, Dimitri got a mystery pill for me. So I'll have to investigate the effects tomorrow. Granted, that is if I don't feel worse that fucking today. FUCK. The one year where I get invited out by a bunch of hot girls from work. This just isn't fair. Of course, I would have to say no to them anyways because Robin already invited me to Oakland. But no. Now I'm just mad. No, I'm not mad. I'm too fucking tired to be mad. I want to go trick or treating goddammit. David. |
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| Saturday, October 18th, 2008 |
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Well, this will most likely be my last post for the next two weeks. Why? Because I'm off to merry ol' England in about...oh...10 hours. I'm so fucking excited fro this, none of you could even fathom my happiness. But you know, I'm not even happy about just this trip. Today I went into work and, as soon as I enter the door, all my kids start saying HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! At first I'm like, "WTF? It's 8 in the morning...it's not my birthday." But then I looked at my desk. The kids had decorated it for me and left cards, and gifts all over it. There were balloons, confetti, wrapping paper, and little surprises all over the place. I can't even describe how much that meant to me. My kids, the little bastards that they are sometimes, pulled a miracle out of their collective asses and really turned my day around. So, for the rest of the day, everyone kept saying happy birthday to me. And a few of my favorite teachers (Kelly included) got me some great and VERY useful gifts. Granted, my birthday is on the 28th, but seeing as how I'll be drunk at the pub with (hopefully) my arms around a beautiful woman, it's nice to know that they figured out how to spend my birthday with me. Another thing to make me happy before this monumental trip, is my conversation with Dea last night. It lasted two hours long and it was...a nice conversation. It was a conversation that really...how do I say this? It centered me. There was no stress, and I felt so calm afterwards, it was great. Sometimes you just have to spend a couple hours with a friend and do absolutely nothing to get exactly what you need. And then the real clincher to my happy mood, is how happy the people in my life are getting. My sister is doing better (and she's pregnant!!!), so I don't have to worry about her situation. My grandma and I had a long heart-to-heart and really settled somethings. Even if she did call me 30 fucking times in 48 hours, I stilll feel like I was able to calm her down. I like it when I make my grandma happy. And I had a talk with my brother, which doesn't happen often as it is, but it was so...unawkward. We just shared stories. I feel better when I'm able to connect with my brother, mainly because we had so much trouble doing it when we were growing up. And I talked to Shane today, which I haven't been able to do recently do to all this damn scheduling and planning and whatnot. Oh...and Matt got a job! That really has very little to do with me, but I'm happy for him. He's been staying with us for the past month, and he's house-sitting while we're gone. We mesh well with him, so I like having him around. Yea. The past couple of days have been good. Really good. So good that I would normally start fearing the looming bad news that usually results from a string of joyful moments. But not this time. Why? Because I'm not going to be around for the bad news to catch up with me. I'm going to be over the pond, taking the tube, using the W.C., watching the telly, and getting trashed in the pubs. But most importantly, I'm going to fall in love. It'll most likely be a person, but it doesn't necessarily have to be. It might be a place, or a thing, or an idea...but I will fall in love with. And it will change a part of me. It sound's presumptuious, but I promise it is not. I just...feel it coming, you know? Ok, I'm out. Robin, Shane, Jennifer, Laurie, Matt, Dea. Becky, Joe, Simone, Grandma. My work peeps, my kids. Everybody...I'll see you in two weeks!!! David. |
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| Wednesday, October 15th, 2008 |
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It really hit me today. I'm going to be gone for two weeks. I'm not going to bring my phone, I'm not going to use a computer, I'm going to be virtually inaccessible for two...whole...weeks. No work to tire me out for two weeks. No school to take over myevenings and weekends for two weeks. No dysfunctional family ot have to wrry about for two weeks. No arguments to need to fix for two weeks. I will be gone from my life for TWO WEEKS. Look, I'm not going to say times are hard for me right now, because obviously they aren't. But in these last two weeks, I've been slowly building stress. With mid terms, problems at work, my sister being almost on the street (while pregnant), my grandma losing her fucking mind, and a couple other problems that have added to the melting pot...I've built quite a bundle of nerves. I need to get away from all of this, all of everything. In short, I need to run away from home. And that's exactly what I plan to do. I'm going to run away for two whole weeks just to...well, it sounds like hide from my problems...but that's not it. What I hope to do is recharge my batteries. I've taken a total of 2 days off of work in almost 6 grueling months. I'm taking night and saturday classes. My family is (as usual) imploding on its own chaos. And to top it off...I'm not even sleeping anymore. But it's ok because, in 61 hours, I'm going to be on a plane that will take me far, far, FAR away. Where no one, and nothing, can ever follow me. I will be free...absolutely free. David. |
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| Tuesday, October 14th, 2008 |
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She's losing her fucking mind. She called me 8 times tonight. 8 fucking times. I can't wait to leave. David. |
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| Monday, October 13th, 2008 |
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I love knowing that tomorrow, when I wake up at noon, I will have been paid to sleep for 4 hours. Yes, tomorrow is Columbus day and I get a paid holiday off. Ah. The system does work. David. |
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| Sunday, October 12th, 2008 |
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You say your prerogative is set, and nothing will make it change. The idea is burned into your mind, and nothing will make it change. The want, the desire, the need to have it. Nothing will ever make it change. So tell me, what will you do once you have it? What will it get you? A few moments of pleasure? Or maybe a sense of rough competence? Yea, that's all you ever really wanted from this giant fuck up. A chance to tell yourself that you're worth it, that you're worth anything. Because, with this desire gone, what is there to back you up? Your family? Your friends? Your money? Your hopes or your dreams, the ones that fade away like childhood fears, and are sold out for just as cheap a price? I'll tell you, you fuck, nothing will take the place of this craving for empty validation. You've gotten yourself stuck, you're screwed, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it since you refuse to listen to me. Nothing else is as important to you, and you have no one to blame but yourself. You let it entrance you with it's dirty promises, and you let it caress you with it's ghost-like touch. You were chilled to the bone, and you were all-forgiving, and you were wonderful in the face of adversity. Now here you are. Trapped in this cage that you call respect. Or was it safety? Or validation? Or love? Whatever this farce is, go ahead and claim that it is what you always wanted, and ignore the whispers in your ear that it's nothing but what you deserve for your failure. Keep the lie going and let the haunting touch linger on your skin. Just keep saying that this is your greatest dream. This is your heaven. This is your everything. Me though, the greedy fuck that you think I am, I'm leaving. I'm not going to stay here and watch you sink into blind desires. I'm done holding your hand. I'm done pulling you back. I'm fucking done trying to explain when all you scream is lies, lies, lies! Rot in there for all I care, because I'm done trying to tell you the truth. You don't deserve it anymore. So I hate you. I've always hated you. But after this, after I forget about you, then that hate will go away. You'll just be the fool that fell into the spider's web. And I'll be the one that walked away with my head held high and a smile on my face. I hope, this time, you die forever. And you can keep these lies since they are the only things you want to hear. David. |
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| Saturday, October 11th, 2008 |
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Will alcohol drown away my sorrows? Why, yes!! Yes it will!! David. |
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There are so many thoughts racing around inside my head. Thoughts from the past, and about the past. Thoughts concerned about the future and lost in its possbilities. Thoughts gravitating towards the center and imploding on their own weight. They get heavy, all these thoughts, and they suffocate. They make it hard to breath and hard to concentrate and hard to understand. And, and, and, when you're trapped under all these thoughts, you start asking questions about why you're there. You start to beg for answers to the many ideas and mysteries that haunt you. But those questions about the thoughts only add more thoughts, which lead to more questions, which lead to more thoughts and more and more do they grow. And finally, it just takes one last question placed within that growing pile for it to become so much weight that your chest collapses under the sheer power. And your lungs are pressed flat so you can't breath. And the liquid inside of you is squished out through your pores so you're covered in this cold, bitter, resentful sweat. And your crushed heart pushes all the blood back out through your veins and arteries and into every tip of your body so it feels like one giant, painful, pulsing beat. But still, the questions keep coming. Why does this happen? How can I make it stop? Who can help me? They just pile on. And your already crushed body just can't operate under the raw, terrible power of so many different fucking ideas. And you feel like you'd rather die than have to think about one more thing, no matter how tiny or how important it is. But you have to keep thinking. You have to find one thing, out of that increasing, crushing pile, and concentrate. Whether it be that one person you love, or your favorite memory, or what you plan to do when you're old and retired, and you just have to concentrate on that one thought and hold it. Even if it's the thought of death, you just have to hold that single idea in your head and focus all your energy on it. It'll begin to grow. At first, it'll just add more weight and the pain will cascade all over your body in waves and waves, but you have to be patient, you have to trust it, you have to focus on it, even if it does hurt more and more, because soon it will become big enough to push those other ideas away, and they will tumble off. One by one they will roll off the pile, agonizingly slow though it may be. And piece by piece you'll lose sight of those persistent, haunting thoughts, until, finally, there is just one all-powerful idea there for you to hold. Heavy as it may be, it is still lighter than all the thoughts of the world. That's when you can get up, dust yourself off, and walk away from your ghosts. However, don't ever forget them, thinking that they're left behind. They will follow you. They will chase you down, every single one of them, and they will attack again. The thoughts will wait for you to become older, wiser, hoping, no, calculating that you will have learned more, and thus will have more to be buried under. And the ideas will wait, too, because they know that you'll mess up, giving them even more guilt to weigh you down. And those fucking questions...they will always be there, following while you walk, watching while you sleep. They never stop. None of this ever stops. All I can do is run when it happens. David. |
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| Thursday, October 9th, 2008 |
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9 days left... Gleeeee!!! David. |
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| Tuesday, October 7th, 2008 |
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Your every wish coming true in the worst possible way. Yea, it's like that. David. |
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| Tuesday, September 30th, 2008 |
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There is a girl at my work who is extremely religious, but also extremely thick-headed in her response to anyone who questions it. I have two options: 1) I can either be a good employee and work-friend, and let the topic go untouched. I would salvage a humdrum friendship from her, which is good because her and I get along very, very well. Furthermore, she is very pretty when she's smiling, so if I were to hold my tongue I could further enjoy her beauty. Lastly, it would be much more appropriate to leave my own personal quarrels with individual personality traits at the door when I step onto campus, as opposed to enciting the wrath of a young, (seemingly...) foolish girl, my co-workers, and my employer. Or... 2) Realize that #1 goes against everything that I stand for. Making her angry with my relentless questions of her religion, poking holes in her stubborn-clad defenses, and thoroughly riling up the working force against my unabatment of "sensitive topics of discussion" is sooooo David. I have decided. She is a good work friend...but proving to her that being stubborn is not a defense of your beliefs would be so much more sweet. Because, in truth, I am like the devil. I like to lure others into the dangers of intelligence and away from the asinine repetition of "I'm right because the bible tells me so" bullshit. I may go to hell...but I'm going to fucking earn my one-way ticket. David. |
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I think I may have just cooked AND eaten one of the greaest meals of my life. I chopped up some potatos, mushrooms, and green onions, then mixed them in a baggie vigorously with a very healthy (ironic word choice...) dose of extra virgin olive oil. I placed it on a cookie sheet and spiced it with basil, black pepper, black lava salt, and a LOT of garlic powder. I put it in the oven at 325 for about 15 minutes, then bumped it up to 400 once I was sure it fully cooked. After about 10 minutes in there at 400 it became lightly browned, and it gave enough time for the mushrooms to absorbe the excess oil, garlic, and salt. To go with this I made some pork loins on the stove. I slow cooked most of the fat out using water, and after about 20 minutes of this, I poured out the fat-water broth and added some cabernet sauvigion. I spiced it with minced onion, basil, cilantro, black lava salt, and just a little black pepper. I then let it cook at a higher heat for another 20 minutes. Once I was sure it was fully cooked, I set it to broil and burned off the excess wine, fat, and oil. It gave the loins a nice well cooked cabernet taste that went very well with, especially, the onions. I then ate, ate, ate, and then ate some more. It was fucking delicious. I want more of those potatoes. David. |
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| Monday, September 29th, 2008 |
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I want answers dammit!!! And I am going to fucking get them. David. |
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| Saturday, September 27th, 2008 |
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Vagina dentata!! David. |
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| Sunday, September 21st, 2008 |
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Everybody falls in love. Well, not everybody. The lucky ones fall in love. And the REALLY lucky ones REALLY fall in love. Yadda yadda, that's part of life. But here's the question: you fall in love when you're 19. Or 20. Or one of those not-quite-young-anymore people, but still young enough to have a lot of life to live. At that age, we know nothing, really, about the way life is. But we have this love of our lives and its all we can do to not smile when we hear there names type of love. The perfect, no one has ever felt it before (yea right), think about them constantly, wish for nothing better than what's best for them, would give all your life to extend their's one more day type of passionate, crazy, extreme love that people our age think they have. But in this questions, the people our age I mention here actually KNOW they have it, not just some run-of-the-mill teen obsession. Would you be able to promise yourself to them forever? The crutch of human life is curiosity...and with that, we're going to want to explore the possibilities. Those possibilities being...of course...other people. We've all seen it happen; couples breaking up simply because they've been together for too long. Those commit-o-phobes that would rather gamble losing the greatest thing ever on the mere chance that there may be something a little more perfect just beyond it. However, I have two more subquestions for this topic. 1) Can you break up with someone just because you think there might be something better and still expect to go back to that person should they really be the best? The pride in me (which based in everything but reasoning) says "fuck you" when the thought of that type of girl getting clsoe to me. You don't get close to someone and then toss them aside because there may be better. Granted, there very well may be better than me out there...but if you leave me, then leave me and don't come back. Wouldn't someone find that insulting? Or, at the very least, wouldn't they find their escapading love a tad untrustworthy after they uproot and scour the plains for greener pastures? But I guess its true love to let your other go and hope they come back to you. And, while I find it twisted in my own mind, can I really say I wouldn't do the same thing? Would I really be the fool to stay in a relationship that's great when there could be greater out there? Or maybe...I'm just so obsessed with my chances for a lucky match the first go around that I could be blinded by the reality of...what? People? The world? Love? 2) Is it customary to...look at a relationship as a stepping stone? When I was growing up in my disillusioned little world, I came across the prospect, which grew into the belief, that people don't enter into relationships for any other reason than to be in them. In most cases, I'm wrong. Now I know about rebounds, daddy-complexes, self-destructive personalities, liars, sluts, boredum, lonliness, hope for experience, and the habitual dater. But part of me always kept alive that little light that maybe, just maybe mind you, people might still come together for the sheer sake of being with someone that makes them laugh when they're sad. The possibility of breaking up is always there, and with this new fangled divorce contraption, may still remain decades into a relationship. But it was only a chance. It was what happened when people fell off that glorious cloud, not what you had to look forward to. I mean, really, why bother starting a relationship this young if you know it's going to end? Why, because you can come back to them AFTER you leave them of course. Because if they really love you, they'll take you back. I can't do that!! I can't look at someone and say "now she'd be a GREAT ex-girlfriend!!" And part of my heart looks down on people that do go into love only to break it off later because...well, because the grass may be greener. That may be why I'm alone. Because I don't look at relationships as stepping stones. I don't look at people I'm attracted to as anything other than...the ends to my means. Not the means to my next big thing. Every relationship I've really been in, if I can even say I've ever been in one, has been because I liked the girl at one point in time. And I wanted to be with her because I wanted to be with her. And when I looked at her, I didn't KNOW that we were going to end. I didn't KNOW that she may just be another ex. I didn't know anything about how we were going to turn out. And while I am a prime candidate for one of those people that leave because of those greener pastures, I never said to myself that it WAS going to happen. I just swalloed my thoughts of noncommital, took a deep breath, and waited to see what really happened. So now what I want to know, really really want to know, is am I just stupid and ignorant? I mean, even if I am, I would still ignore that sick impulse inside me to claim every relationship over before it even began. But at least I could save others the trouble of listening to my stupid opinions, because I wouldn't share them if they were just unrealistic and childish. All I would really do is keep them to myself and wait for...the next girl to come into my life who will say to me one day...I think there may be better than you, mind if we split up while I check? David. |
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