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ok, so here it is; i havent updated in awhile cuz i guess im afraid to say what happened...maybe even embarassed...idk...ive just been getting so many opinions, and have been trying to explain it, but no one seems to understand :'( ok, so here's what happened: been going out with my bf for 2 months, only seen him once cuz stuff is always going on w/his family and stuff lately...so he PROMISED he'd come to my memorial day party, which was yesterday. he said that if his parents couldnt drive him hed RIDE HIS BIKE all the way to my house (by car, my house is about 35-40 minutes from his). so, i was in boston saturday night and he left a message on my machine saying he was going to a drive in or something that night and hed be back around 10ish the next morning (my party started @ 1) and that he'd call when he was heading over, and that he loves me. so i talk to him the morning of, and he says that he'll be over in a bit, and i ask him if he knows my address, and he tells it to me. so, by 4:00, he's still not there, so i try and call him--no answer. so around 4:30ish, i get a phone call from him saying hes on his friend's bike, using his dad's cell, on his way to my house. he's got mapquest directions to my house, and he reads them to me, and their right. he asks me if my parents will let him take me to a carnival tomorrow (today), and i tell himl lets get through this first . he has no idea where he is, and he pulls over to the side of the road cuz his chain falls off...finally, he's like a street away from mine, and he says he has to go, his phone's dying. he says that he'll be there, and that NOTHING will ruin this day. so i go back outside and look up at all of my friends and say "how can you tell if a guy's lying or not?" and jackie immediately says, "derek?" so me, dave, stephanie, jen and jackie go and look for him where he said he was when we hung up...not there, so we go back to the party and wait. still, by about 6:30ish, maybe 7, i dont remember, hes still not there, so i call his house this time. he picks up, "gross residence, this is derek gross speaking, how may i help you?" and im like, wtf happened...he told me that his mom got pissed when she knew he left and came and picked him up, and tells me to hold on a sec...i hear him muttering stuff like, "mom, i love this woman", but idk, i might have heard wrong. and he comes back and i ask him if hes gonna come or not, and i can tell that he knows theirs disbelief and anger in my voice. he asks me tentitively if he's still aloud to, and i tell him that only if he really comes, and if he cant, to CALL ME AND TELL ME. he says i pormise, im leaving in 5 minutes, and we hang up...he never comes. it's really too bad, i had an awesome time, we were all wicked hyper...lol got into a whipped cream fight w/dave and shelly...that was emm...interesting hehe i had to wash it all of my hair. anyways, here's a convo i had w/dave the night of the party, after everyone left:
Dave (12:15:58 AM): i think hes lieing to u, i dont think he ever planned on showing up...
Me (12:16:06 AM): ...
Dave (12:16:37 AM): and idk about this carnival thing... going by his record i think its another lie
Me (12:17:56 AM): any more u wanna say ?
Dave (12:18:32 AM): i dont think thers much more, i'm not gonna tell u what to do as far as staying together or breaking up cuz only u can figure that out
Me (12:44:25 AM): nvm im back
Dave (12:44:33 AM): coudlnt sleep?
Me (12:45:07 AM): nah
Me (12:45:11 AM): idk why
Me (12:45:15 AM): i just...cant
Dave (12:45:29 AM): to much on ur mind
Me (12:46:06 AM): yes
Me (12:46:10 AM): way too much
Dave (12:46:19 AM): wanna try talkin about it? it might help
Me (12:47:38 AM): sure why not
Dave (12:47:54 AM): alright
Dave (12:47:56 AM): lay it out
Me (12:48:18 AM): ok well
Me (12:48:19 AM): yeah
Me (12:48:29 AM): theres a big chance he was lying about the bike thing
Dave (12:48:38 AM): yea, a very big chance
Me (12:48:54 AM): but theres also a chance that he wasnt, a reason behind this that u wudnt understand
Dave (12:49:04 AM): i could try
Me (12:49:16 AM): he says he loves me
Me (12:49:21 AM): i def believe him
Dave (12:49:47 AM): but if he did then y didnt he walk the last 5 steps to ur house?
Dave (12:49:51 AM): he was practically there
Me (12:49:54 AM): he says he never wants to loose me, if we ever broke up, he wud prob cry, which he hasnt since his grandfather died
Me (12:50:01 AM): cuz his moms a BITCH
Me (12:50:27 AM): aand got pissed @ him so just picked him up, not caring
Dave (12:50:40 AM): but how did she get to him before we did?
Me (12:50:59 AM): she has a car, and she was prob driving the second she knew he was gone
Me (12:51:08 AM): easy
Dave (12:51:56 AM): but according ot him, he was pretty much, down the street from u, we woudla seen something dont u think?
Me (12:52:50 AM): if he hung up on forest, then about 1 or 2 min later his mom drives by while dereks still trying to fix his bike, then its possible
Dave (12:53:57 AM): alright, but i still think we woulda heard an argument
Me (12:54:19 AM): not if he hung up b4 his mom got there
Dave (12:54:46 AM): idk sam, just doesnt seem to fit to me
Me (12:54:52 AM): yeah yeah
Me (12:54:54 AM): it never does
Me (12:55:02 AM): but theres one thing ud never understand
Me (12:55:09 AM): and that i know hes not lying about
Me (12:55:24 AM): i just really cant put how ppl feel into words
Me (12:55:36 AM): its almost impossible if uve never heard it
Dave (12:55:43 AM): i guess not
Dave (12:57:12 AM): just dont forget that ppl can lie sam, and some ppl r better at it than others
Me (12:57:15 AM): im sorry, i really wish i could explain it
Me (12:57:19 AM): i know
Me (12:57:33 AM): and dont forget that i have instincts, and so far theyve been on track
Dave (12:57:54 AM): instincts can be decieved, its happned to me, i've seen it happen to some of my friends
Me (12:58:02 AM): i know
Me (12:58:21 AM): but thats all i have to rely on :'(i really dont have a choice
Me (12:58:23 AM): i love him dave
Me (12:58:33 AM): i honestly dont know what id do without him
Me (12:58:38 AM): yeah, maybe not worry as much
Me (12:58:43 AM): but i just dont think i could do it
Me (12:58:50 AM): i love him
Dave (12:58:55 AM): i know...
Dave (12:59:16 AM): but is it worht it?
Me (12:59:26 AM): if i love him, then yes it is
Me (12:59:31 AM): look
Me (12:59:44 AM): i really wish i could put into words how i feel for him
Me (12:59:46 AM): but i really cant
Me (12:59:50 AM): ive tried
Me (1:00:06 AM): hes the only one who understands, because he feels the same way
Me (1:00:13 AM): otherwise
Me (1:00:18 AM): its hard to explain it
Me (1:00:25 AM): cuz i know ur wicked skeptical about it
Me (1:00:29 AM): u always have been
Dave (1:00:43 AM): well yea, its hard to believe it when he keeps standing u up ya know?
Me (1:00:47 AM): and idk if its just cuz of the circumstances given or what but
Me (1:01:03 AM): yeah i know but u have to understand whats going on with his family right now
Me (1:01:24 AM): i know if my family was like that, my dad wud make me stand ppl up and shit
Dave (1:01:38 AM): yea, but u'd call him
Me (1:01:42 AM): no
Me (1:01:53 AM): dad wudnt let me if he was in a bad mood
Me (1:02:06 AM): especially a mood bad enuf to make me stand him up
Me (1:02:14 AM): and im not being biased here
Me (1:02:21 AM): thats honestly how it wud be @ my house
Dave (1:02:58 AM): but he wouldn't be around all day
Me (1:03:15 AM): what?
Me (1:03:18 AM): ::confused::
Dave (1:03:39 AM): he'd leave for work, u'd be hom ealone and able to clal him, woudln't his rents have to leave eventually?
Me (1:04:02 AM): parents dont work on weekends
Me (1:04:17 AM): my mom doesnt, my dad doesnt, and neither does his mom and dad
Dave (1:04:38 AM): dont they go out at all?
Me (1:04:45 AM): his might not
Me (1:04:53 AM): its honestly a possibility
Me (1:05:01 AM): not all parents go out during the day, every day
Me (1:05:14 AM): i mean, seriouslu
Me (1:05:17 AM): *seriouslu
Me (1:05:19 AM): AH
Me (1:05:22 AM): u no what i mean
Dave (1:05:29 AM): yea
Me (1:05:44 AM): atleast i hope so :-\
Me (1:05:46 AM): e/r
Me (1:05:48 AM): *w/e
Me (1:05:54 AM): im just trying not to cry again
Me (1:05:57 AM): thats my goal
Me (1:06:01 AM): wont last long
Dave (1:06:28 AM): all derek seems to do is make u cry...
Me (1:11:07 AM): it seems nobody understands me anymore
Me (1:11:14 AM): especially u and jen
Me (1:11:20 AM): who i used to rely on the most
Me (1:11:26 AM): and now i have...no one
Me (1:11:57 AM): its not ur fault
Me (1:12:06 AM): its just nobody understands anymore
Me (1:12:14 AM): its become too difficult
Dave (1:12:35 AM): we're trying..... its just hard to when u tell us he loves u and he doesnt seem to do anything to show it
Me (1:12:46 AM): and it seems so apparent to u guys, u just dont understand how i feel
Dave (1:13:07 AM): we know how u feel, we just dont think u should ya know?
Me (1:13:39 AM): he does so much to show it, u just dont understand cuz u dont live my life, hear what i hear, feel what i feel, understand what i understand
Me (1:13:43 AM): it just doesnt work that way
Me (1:13:46 AM): and i know
Me (1:14:29 AM): but ur so wrapped up in thinking ur right that u dont understand that i could be too, and just cuz ur not me, u dont understand where im coming from
Me (1:14:32 AM): otherwise u wud
Dave (1:15:16 AM): the only reason i think i'm right is from what i've seen
Me (1:15:25 AM): but its not enough
Me (1:15:31 AM): u havent seen what i have
Me (1:15:34 AM): u really haven
Me (1:15:35 AM): t
Me (1:15:40 AM): u havent heard the fights
Me (1:15:46 AM): the love in his voice
Me (1:15:53 AM): the screaming
Me (1:15:55 AM): the rage
Me (1:15:59 AM): the EVERYTHING
Me (1:16:04 AM): uve never heard it
Me (1:16:09 AM): uve never felt it
Me (1:16:23 AM): u just cant judge when u have senced it all
Me (1:16:44 AM): u just cant
Dave (1:17:26 AM): u've heard it...... u hear it but u dont nkow whats relaly going on
Me (1:17:43 AM): yeah
Me (1:19:06 AM): im just saying that however much u think ur right, or however much u dont get why im doing this or why i act this way, u cant judge, u just cant. u just havent experienced it all, only i can judge
Me (1:19:13 AM): only i can judge
Me (1:19:14 AM): not u
Me (1:19:17 AM): not jen
Me (1:19:18 AM): not jackie
Me (1:19:20 AM): no ANYONE
Me (1:19:22 AM): just ME
Me (1:19:34 AM): only i have the right, the experience, the knowledge
Me (1:19:42 AM): no one else does
Me (1:19:49 AM): even if they think they do
Me (1:19:51 AM): its just ME
Dave (1:20:03 AM): thats y i said its up to u as to what u do
Dave (1:20:26 AM): i just have my opinions based on waht i've seen, u ahve ur opinions based on waht u've seen, and u've seen more so in the end its urs that matters
Me (1:20:31 AM): yeah but u still judge
Dave (1:20:37 AM): i can just try to help, but i dont think it'l lmake diffence
Dave (1:20:50 AM): ppl judge, its what we do
Dave (1:21:00 AM): if the situation was reversed, would u not be doing the same thing i was?
Me (1:21:07 AM): and say that u think ur right, i just think i have a right to an opinion, but not to one saying u know ur right, cuz its def not substancial info
Me (1:21:39 AM): no
Me (1:21:42 AM): no i wouldnt
Dave (1:21:49 AM): really?
Me (1:22:16 AM): becuase only one person experiences it all...feels what they love for that person, what they know, hear, and experience about them, and what they feel back
Me (1:22:28 AM): its just that simple
Dave (1:22:52 AM): yea, but u know this now cuz u've experienced, i'm sayin if u hadn't experienced it, and i had instead, if the situation was reversed woudl u not have made the same conclusions i had?
Me (1:23:08 AM): dave, i knew it before
Me (1:23:16 AM): im surprised that you didnt
Me (1:23:24 AM): but i honestly did
Me (1:23:34 AM): whether u believe me or not
Dave (1:23:54 AM): i do, cuz i know u woudlnt lie
Me (1:24:04 AM): good
Me (1:24:09 AM): well then thats what i have to say
Me (1:25:15 AM): i wish i had the time to think about this kind of stuff
Me (1:25:19 AM): i dont seem to anymore
Me (1:25:31 AM): between school, friends, boyfriend, family, temple
Me (1:25:46 AM): and final exams coming up soon
Me (1:25:55 AM): its just too much to think about that kind of stuff
Me (1:26:10 AM): to just sit down and not have anything to worry about, so just to write
Me (1:27:35 AM): im sorry i put u thru all of this...its kinda my thing to Dave (1:35:32 AM): yea u probably should
Me (1:35:36 AM): i have to think about this on my own sometime, even if i do end up crying myself to sleep
Me (1:35:41 AM): it'll be worth it in the end
Dave (1:35:48 AM): i hope so
Dave (1:36:02 AM): it would kinda suck to waste all those tears on nothing
Me (1:36:05 AM): thanks so much for everything, dave, im really greatful for it all
Me (1:36:10 AM): yeah it would
Dave (1:36:16 AM): dont wry bout it
Dave (1:36:19 AM): yea
Me (1:36:21 AM): yeah im trying
Me (1:36:29 AM): goodnight dave
Dave (1:36:35 AM): goodnight sam
Dave (1:36:40 AM): try to sleep
Dave (1:36:48 AM): thinking about this right now wont help
Dave (1:37:13 AM): trust me, u'll end up back where u started
Me (1:37:22 AM): its not like i have a choice, im gonna end up thinking about it no matter what
Me (1:37:28 AM): im just gonna do what i normally do
Dave (1:37:29 AM): i know
Me (1:37:50 AM): cry about it, then daydream that it'll all get better somehow, and it'll all be perfect
Dave (1:38:20 AM): but this isn't goin to get perfect...
Me (1:38:29 AM): yeah i know
Me (1:38:36 AM): but a girl can dream, cant she?
Dave (1:38:36 AM): yea
Dave (1:38:50 AM): course she can
Auto response from Me (1:38:50 AM): Charlie Brown: I think I'm afraid to be happy.
Lucy: How can you be afraid to be happy?
Charlie Brown: Because whenever you get too happy, something bad always happens.
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^^ that is soo true
sleeping...hopefully ill feel better in the morning :-(
dave, ur awesome, thanks for everything...i really dont know what i'd do w/out you...
Dave (1:39:17 AM): sweet dreams... or try at least
Me (1:39:22 AM): thanks
Me (1:39:25 AM): i will
Me (1:39:27 AM): you too
Dave (1:39:34 AM): thanks
Auto response from Me (1:39:34 AM): Charlie Brown: I think I'm afraid to be happy.
Lucy: How can you be afraid to be happy?
Charlie Brown: Because whenever you get too happy, something bad always happens.
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^^ that is soo true
sleeping...hopefully ill feel better in the morning :-(
dave, ur awesome, thanks for everything...i really dont know what i'd do w/out you...
Me (1:39:50 AM): anytime
Dave (1:40:31 AM): alright, so i'm gonna let u stop takin ur message on and off so dont answer this, but good night
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creative