you're __ s t e ll a r
Thursday, September 18th, 2003

Time:12:38 am.
Are things resolved? Oh hell no.

Did we make progress tonight? I think we may have. Just a little bit.
don't be shy...

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Monday, September 15th, 2003

Time:9:51 am.
Mood:worried.
Pneumonia. What next?

It almost makes me laugh except for the fact that he's hurting and coughing up god knows what out of his lungs. I never would have guessed pneumonia. He's lucky, though. He's young, he's healthy...ya know, except for this...and he's only had it for a little while...so he's not gonna die from it. Holy shit though...to know that the love of your life has a sickness that's killed otherwise healthy people (Jim Henson was a workaholic, ignored it and let it go until it was too late, he died)...it's nerve wracking. It's selfish to think this way, since he's the sick one...but I don't know what I'd do with myself if I lost him. I don't even want to imagine what it would be like because it upsets me so much. Not even thinking of me but...Oscar...hell, even thinking of the puppies missing him is sad.

I'm glad Oscar hasn't come yet...I don't know how we'd deal with this if he was here already. I woke up at about six this morning because Mike was breathing weird and shivering. My poor baby. I brought up the soup blanket, covered him up and watched him until he started breathing better. I'm going shopping with his mom this morning to get a bunch of stuff to make him feel better. I have to get over there and I wanna get back before Mike wakes up...so I have to cut this short. I'll come back and add to this later.
4 flirts| don't be shy...

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Time:12:23 am.
You never, ever fail to surprise me. -rolls my eyes- Sad.
10 flirts| don't be shy...

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Friday, September 12th, 2003

Time:5:30 pm.
Wow. That's about all I've been saying for the past couple days. Just...wow. It's been pretty incredible. The few setbacks we've had have been, basically, nothing. Two minutes here, two minutes there or disagreements or misunderstandings and that's it. I know I'm usually the one over-reacting and stuff lately...but I'm refusing to let these stupid hormones get the better of me. Even though bad things happen...I'm learning how to just let things go...and it's a really good thing. Enough about the not-fun stuff though.

We've taken care of most of the details for the wedding...we did that a couple days ago, actually...and we've basically been cuddling and trying not to have sex since then. Yesterday was my birthday and our anniversary. Mike went way over the top. We accidentally slept over his mom's the night before...we went there for a new cuddling spot because, well, we've already leached around our entire house and we needed a change of scenery. When we woke up in the morning, he decided that he wanted to baby me. He picked me up, took me to the bathroom and gave me a bath...and he rubbed my back which hasn't been feeling great lately because of Oscar. After he dressed me and everything, he led me out to see the first surprise of the day. I was blown away...wow, I still kinda am. It's gorgeous. We drove home, each in our own cars so he could continue giving me presents. Haha. He's so great. He just went all out for my birthday. He gave me just a few more things. He's crazy. But that wasn't all. There was a final surprise and wow they're beautiful. I don't know what I did to deserve all of this...or to deserve him, but I'm just thankful that I have someone like him. I don't need all these presents and things. It's cheesy to say but...he's enough.

I gave Mike a back massage and the few things I bought for him for our anniversary. We went out to dinner and then cruised around in my car...it was such a great night. I wanna spend a hundred thousand anniversaries with him. Our baby's due in one month...we get married one month after that. It just feels like everything's been falling into place and I seriously could not be happier.
2 flirts| don't be shy...

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Friday, September 5th, 2003

Subject:just for mikey :-*
Time:1:32 am.
[1] When and how did we meet: Some silly party I went to with my girls...
[2] What did you first notice about me: Aside from the fact that you kept staring at me? Those beautiful blue eyes. I could see them all the way across the room.
[3] What do you like most about me: You keep me smiling. You're always cracking jokes and trying to make everyone around you happy. You're quite selfless when you want to be.
[5] Have you ever seen me with my shirt off: Many, many times...but I wish it was more often. ;)
[6] Have you ever seen me cry: Unfortunately yes. I feel horrible when you do, especially when I'm the cause.
[7] Describe me in four adjectives: Amazing, gorgeous, funny and talented.
[8] If we could spend a day together what would we do: Mike...your idea beat me 10 times over. My answer would just be to go to the beach, lay around and do nothing with you...but in Hawaii because I kinda miss it. It was so great there.
[9] Have we ever gotten in a fight: Yeah, lots :/
[10] If you could give me a present what would it be: I'd give you anything, ever.
[11] Would you hug me: I want to hug you right this very second.
[12] What do you really think of me: I think you're amazing in every sense of the word. You take my breath away. You're a genuinely good person and you'd do anything for those who care for you. You're loyal and trustworthy and to be petty for a second, the most beautiful person I have ever known in my entire life.
[13] Have we ever kissed: Probably a million times by now :-*
[14] Has there ever been anything you wanted to tell me, but were scared to: Yeah, but you know just about everything now...and whatever you don't was obviously not important enough to mention.
[15] Wanna makeout: Name the time and place and I'm there.
[16] Is there anything you dont like about me: I don't like when you get all work-a-holic at the same time as I do because then I don't get to see you...or when you would go to smoke up in the middle of fighing with me. I don't know why but that makes me really sad.
[17] What makes you think of me: Just about everything. Except loser asshole exboyfriends who remind me of the slimy underbelly of a rock in a garbage heap.
[18] Whats your name: Cameron NICOLE Richardson...but only for a little while longer.
[19] Am I nice to you: You're more than nice to me...you treat me better than anything. You really are too good for me.
[20] Have we ever dated: Hmm...that's a toughie... ahahah
3 flirts| don't be shy...

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Thursday, September 4th, 2003

Time:11:28 am.
Mood:happy.
I don't think I've ever made so few updates in a week. This is sick.

After my scare with Oscar, I've been taking it kind of easy. Mike's feeling shitty because he can't smoke anymore so laying around leaching and doing little stupid things every now and then is suiting us both quite well. I need to call my parents and have them come down soon...but I keep avoiding the call. Things with them have never been easy...and I can't just ask them to leave their lives in Jersey and stay here until Oscar's born. I'm just scared that the next time I have pains or something that it'll be time and they won't be here for it. Our relationship is strained, but I still love them. I still want them to be around for the birth of their grandson. They'd be really unhappy if they couldn't see him. I'm going to be really unhappy though if they're here for a month plus, waiting for Oscar to make his appearance. I'm trying to take everything day by day...but it's hard.

Mike and I were desperately bored last night and were trying to think of something to do. Ice skating was ruled out, as was making our own porn video. We ended up going over his parents house and climbing up in the treehouse he had as a child. Apparently it got him through his "playing doctor" days as a kid and was where he used to smoke up as a teenager...but he'd never even kissed a girl up there so...we fixed that. EHEHE We just stayed there for a while after, talking and stuff...and then we went home. I tire out so easily now it's ridiculous. Oscar's stealing all my energy...plus he's keeping me up a lot during the night...but at least he can't cry when he's still a fetus, so that's good. I don't know...I'm rambling now. The end.
2 flirts| don't be shy...

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Sunday, August 31st, 2003

Time:9:44 am.
It's been too long without writing something decent.

The last time I wrote caused a huge fight between Mike and I...so I've been hesitant to write anything since then. We've made up, although I'm still a bit confused about how he forgave me so quickly. He said he had a talk with Ali and she made him see another side of things. I don't know. But whatever happened...we're not fighting anymore...so that's good.

We're back into our super sappy moods that I love. I'm not going to worry about when it'll all be over, because that's pointless. I'm just going to concentrate on us and keeping things good.

We've been planning for Oscar's arrival and for our wedding as well. We've pushed the date up to November 11th because, well...March was just too far away. Whatever keeps us from running off and eloping...is a good thing. We finally decided on a real name for Oscar, which is also something that needed to be done.

This is, I swear...the worst update ever. I'm going to end it before it gets anymore boring.
4 flirts| don't be shy...

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Saturday, August 30th, 2003

Time:1:15 am.
I AM LEARNING HOW TO BE JEWISH )
4 flirts| don't be shy...

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Wednesday, August 27th, 2003

Subject:you've given me a heart like a gun and I'm so shocked that I made it through these billion days.
Time:8:53 am.
Mood:introspective.
Music:GJ.
I cannot stop listening to "When One Eight Becomes Two Zeroes". Hmm.

Mike and I fell asleep on the couch last night...I think I slept for about ten minutes before I had to get up. Oscar bladder things. Anyways...once I got up...I was up for a while. I just...didn't wanna lay back down and go to sleep. Mike looked so...well...not peaceful, but I didn't want to risk waking him up after such little time sleeping. I went upstairs and all of a sudden I had a mission. I went rummaging through this box that I've still yet to unpack. I just never really needed any of the unicorns and diaries and shit from when I was fifteen, but I couldn't leave them behind in my empty house when I moved in with Mike. I grabbed a few of the old diaries and went back down so I could read them and watch over Mike while he slept. I would have felt horrible if he'd woken up and I wasn't there.

I sat there reading about all this silly kid stuff...when you're younger...these little problems seem so big. "Oh my God, so-and-so didn't wave at me in the lunchroom." It was just nice to sit there and read about when things were simpler...then I got to the part about JC. There were no less than 15 pages, consecutively, about just whether he was going to ask me out. Christ. I don't think I ever loved that boy...but I think I wanted to. As I read further into our relationship, after he DID ask me out and we became "boyfriend and girlfriend" and everything...I grew up. I wrote something about how I'd been holding him at arms length because I was scared to let him too close and that just gave me chills all over. I'm realizing I've been keeping Mike at bay for a long time now. Not all the time...because we've had a few, albiet rare, moments where there's nothing but us and I'm not afraid of anything anymore. But those moments have been entirely too few and far between. I know deep down that I can trust him...it's just that I don't let myself even if I should be.

My therapist said that I needed to figure out why I couldn't let this all go...what it is that I'm afraid is going to happen if I really deep down forgive him and let him back in with no strings attached. What's gonna happen when I let it go? When she asked, I didn't know. There's about a million things I'm afraid of now. Carnies and freaky costumed people aside, I was scared of nothing before Jay. And after I let myself trust him, I was still unafraid. I loved just...taking risks...doing what I wanted because I wanted to. I was pretty fearless. In some ways I still am...but in other ways I'm the biggest fucking wimp ever. Asshole was the first guy to ever really betray my trust. I found out that he started seeing me before he ended things with this other girl. Broke her heart. He was essentially cheating on her. I'm pretty sure he did the same thing when he broke up with me. And I guess that's what I was afraid of. It made me sick that I was the girl to break another girl's heart. At least that's what I thought at the time. That it was my fault...but it wasn't. How was I to know? As time went on, after JC and I broke up...I realized...I never even knew...so how could I be to blame? I didn't make him break up with this other girl and start seeing only me. Now I can see the other half of it. I didn't make him break up with me so he could see another girl. That was his choice. It's not my fault that he chose to lie and break my trust. It really and truly wasn't my fault. But back then...I blamed myself. I thought I should have been listening to my instincts. I thought I should have kept him at arms length...I would've been safe...I never would've gotten hurt.

I'm so glad I kept journals and I'm glad I had this random urge to look back. It was so easy to see from everything I'd written that, basically, I got played. You're not the other woman you're just another...another hobby for a guy like me. But the more important thing I realized is that I DIDN'T bring this on myself. I busted my fucking ass for this guy...did everything...and it wasn't enough for him. I could never be enough...but that it isn't my fault. There were always other girls and as long as there were...no one girl could ever be enough. I can't even believe that in my head...I was comparing Mike to him. Mike and asshole are completely different people. Mike's so much more than Jay could have ever been. I love Mike...I really and truly do. Just...what happened with him...it hit a little too close to home. I drew comparisons with him and asshole...I thought I was gonna end up abandoned and lied to yet again and up went the walls that I didn't even know were there. I really...I didn't realize that's what I was doing. It isn't the same at all. AT ALL.

Even though all this is really personal...I'm not going to make it private. If anyone else can use what I've learned...more power to you...I hope you don't have to put your significant other through all the crap I've put Mike through.

Mike- I love you more than anything. I'm sorry for taking so long to come around...
55 flirts| don't be shy...

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Monday, August 25th, 2003

Time:12:04 pm.
Mood:numb.
This is just one of those days. It's a day when I wanna curl up in bed and do nothing but sleep because it means I can't be thinking. I've never felt so utterly...defeated before. Kinda sucks when probably the worst things have been said about you and you can't defend yourself...because they're true.

Hmm.
8 flirts| don't be shy...

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Friday, August 22nd, 2003

Time:11:19 am.
One hundred and sixty three days Entirely too many days until I become his wife.



I'll edit this later. I'm too excited to think or write right now. Besides...I have a beautiful fiance that I should be sapping with. <3333


edit I said I'd edit :) This whole..."getting married" thing is a bit surreal. I've been a bit screwed up with guys for a long time. Before Mike, I never felt like I needed a guy in my life...they were just sorta there and it was nice for the time being, but I never needed them there. When I was a little girl, making plans for a wedding...planning the number of kids I'd have one day or the kind of house we'd life in or the job I'd have...I don't know how many other people can say they planned for their divorce. "And then, when I have Chloe and Adrien and I'm a nurse, I'll get divorced and move to Florida." Not real lofty dreams. I thought that seperation was inevitable. You only know what you're taught. So I learned how NOT to need people...and I became "fiercely independant" as the teachers would write on those little progress reports.

Mike and our relationship taught me that it's ok to need someone. He's shown me that there's infinite ways to love someone...and you can love them in an infinite amount. He's taught me to trust, and to know that if I let him...he's someone that'll have me for the rest of my days.
47 flirts| don't be shy...

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Thursday, August 21st, 2003

Time:10:32 am.
Mood:indescribable.
There is nothing nothing better than having to hold out for a week and a half and then having a night like last night. LKJFD;ALSFDJA NOTHING BETTER.

Obviously I'm much better than yesterday. Much less "frustrated" and all that. Although I wish we could replay last night over again in twenty different ways throughout today...we unfortunately cannot. There's...54 days left till his due date. I don't know how we're gonna make it. We've had problems before this...where we make sex, or making love or whatever the hell you wanna call it...way too much of an issue but I'm hoping we'll find a way to stay ok because at this point, I really don't think I could take any more drama.

We get some sometime Sunday night. I'm freakishly excited...and a little scared. I'm still planning on my crash and it's not going to be pretty. There's still plans to start therapy once I decide to drag my ass out of bed. I don't know. I'm looking forward to the end of this tour, but at the same time I'm not.

What a pointless update. Maybe I'll edit later.
14 flirts| don't be shy...

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Wednesday, August 20th, 2003

Time:1:21 pm.
I will probably edit this entry 45398492 times after I post because I'm just that bored. My little puppy is asleep again...and Mike's dead asleep because he stayed up all night making sure his puppy slept alright.

I wrote a couple really...risky private entries yesterday. Nothing too horrible, but I don't know...I was just scared of the reactions I'd get. I'm not out to stir up trouble, which is why those entries were made and will remain filtered/locked/whatever.

I'm almost positive that one of them has not even been looked at. I'm trying really really hard not to go back and delete it before it's ever seen, but I want to so badly. Don't get me wrong, I'm not badmouthing anyone and the message is actually pretty positive. I'm just not sure I want to be that open and that vulnerable with this particular person when it's only bitten me in the ass in the past. I've stayed strong and not deleted it yet...we'll see how well I keep that up though. We'll see.
4 flirts| don't be shy...

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Time:10:02 am.
Mood:frustrated.
Music::/.
I need to update. Severely. I just don't know what to write

Mike and I are back on the bus after an entirely too short stay at home. It was nice to be back in our house while Lolla had the three dates in California...but the tour is moving on and unfortunately we have to too. We only have to make it until Sunday and then we're back in our house for a good while.

It's harder than I thought it would be...these last few months of Oscar in my belly. I never realized that being with Mike all day but NOT being able to be with him could be this aggravating. Frustrating might be a better word. We are very, very, very frustrated. Not that writing about this is helping that...but yeah. I hate having to count days in my head to know whether or not I can do anything. It kinda ruins the moment when you have to say, "wait!!! When's the last time I had an orgasm?" Oscar's safety comes first and I don't want to mess anything up just because Mike and I can't control our hormones but...that doesn't make it any easier. Mike and I...we get grumpy.

Along with the grumpiness, there's also a lot of pouting and whining going on. Haha...we're such a mess right now. We ended up taking the puppies with us when going back to the bus. Mike was doing this pouty thing and I couldn't object. I thought the guys were gonna kill us...there's already so many of us on the bus. They seemed to take it pretty well though. They weren't angry. We've got their stuff all in the back room on the bus and it looks like they're gonna work out.

This entry is really uninteresting. The end.
19 flirts| don't be shy...

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Tuesday, August 19th, 2003

Time:10:35 am.
Mood:intimidated.
I apologize for the public spat.
8 flirts| don't be shy...

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__Blog;;;;
__Friends;;;;
__Calendar;;;;
__User Info;;;;
__Stellar;;;;
__Update;;;;
;;;;Facts;;;;
full name: Cameron Nicole Richardson
birthdate September 11, 1979
height: 5'8"
hair color: Blonde
eye color: Brown
residence: Malibu, CA.
birthplace: Baton Rouge, Louisiana
nationality: American
occupation: Model/Actress
filmography: Cover Me: Based on the True Life of an FBI Family, Frank McKlusky, C.I., After School Special, 2001 Maniacs.
likes: Dancing, reading, snowboarding, traveling, music, hot guitarists with afros.
dislikes: Shallow people, egos, jealousy, shutting down.
status: Michael.

;;;;Personal Quotes;;;;
“I was total trailer trash, babe. I can’t remember any real tornadoes, although there were a couple of times when we had to tie our bicycles to trees to keep them from blowing away.”
“I can be shy, but I’m not shy with my body. Everyone is naked under their clothes—so what? They’re just titties.”
“They used to call me Cam-bones because I was so skinny.”
“I’m just a regular girl who likes to go snowboarding and picks her nose like anybody else. I just like to dive into things and take risks.”
"No one wanted to take me, so I got a friend of mine who attented another school to go with me. I paid for the whole thing, including his tux... and then he took someone else to his prom."
"I’m a professional ass-sitter. That’s what I do best."
"Chocolate covered ham? I AM chocolate covered ham."
"All my boyfriends are usually broke, I usually scrape the bottom of the barrel. I only date Joe Schmoe’s from Idaho."
"One time I went to this bad Hollywood party, so me and my friend started hitting the lunch boxes."
"I have Billy Bob tattooed on my arm."
"Get a magazine, and you can cover yourself…with your own love."
"I’m the least perfect chick ever….so definitely. I hate big tits."
;;;;Close Friends;;;;
Mike: <3 I love him. He's mine. Back the fuck up.
AJ: My not-quite sister-in-law. We like Thursdays.
Ali: ALI! Haha...strip dice, good times.
Angelina: Fucking layout queen. ...and SO hot.
Ben: He's my little brother but not. Don't mess.
Daryl: An awesome friend. :)
Pierre: My Pie guy. He's great, you're not, the end.
Todd: My island buddy. We like to joke about milking me.
;;;;Feel Me;;;;
"And I Love Her" - Beatles
"Angel" - Aerosmith
"Ape Dos Mil" - Glassjaw
"Big Empty" - STP
"Breathe" - Greenwheel
"By Your Side" - Sade
"Cabron" - RHCP
"California" - Phantom Planet
"Clavicle" - Alkaline Trio
"Crazy on You" - Heart
"Echo" - Incubus
"Everlong" - Foo Fighters
"Fuck Her Gently" - Tenacious D
"Hello" - Lionel Richie
"If You Ever Will Believe" - Stevie Nicks
"Imagine" - John Lennon
"I Won't Spend Another Night Alone" - The Ataris
"Maybe I'm Amazed" - Paul McCartney
"Say Anything" - Good Charlotte
"She Will Be Loved" - Maroon 5
"Something" - George Harrison
"Under the Bridge" - RHCP
"Within You, Without You" - Beatles
"Wonderful" - Everclear
"Yesterday" - Beatles
Layout by: croft
Brushes from: Echoica