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Caryn "Calysto"

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.::Chapter 1: Summary::. [16 Jun 2003|11:41pm]
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On September 23, 1984 a lovely, warm, sunny, afternoon in Wisconsin, around 4:30, yours truly was born to Betsy Jane and Steven Lawrence. Their first child. When I was about 1½ maybe all of 2 years old my mother had her second child. Robyn Lynn, my baby sister, was born with Down syndrome and a few heart conditions. She fought to live for the 10 months that she did but died waiting for a donor heart. Then a few years later mom tried again and Matthew was conceived. Matthew was miscarried not long after. Then in 1990 my brother Thomas Joseph was born. Thomas has his own share of problems and learning disabilities. But his biggest issue is his temper and violent tendencies that sprout from both his disability and from having my father as a role model for the last 13 years.
I don’t honestly remember much of my child hood. It’s strange because so many of my friends remember the littlest details about theirs. I guess I block out a lot of memories. Especially the memories around family life, there were a few good times, but not many. All I can remember is an intense feeling of tension, among other little things here and there. My father was an alcoholic and an abusive man. He never hit my mother...honestly he never had to. He was so controlling and manipulative that he had her under his control at all times, brainwashed almost. But my brother and I weren’t complex enough to play the mind games or follow the mental lead so dad would hit us. To this day I can’t be around men, a sudden movement from a male will send me right into the fetal position out of the fear of being hit. I need a long time to adjust to the men in my life. Seven years ago mom asked for a divorce, she said she wasn’t happy any more, and hadn’t been for the past 15 years. Do you know what my father said? He said, “if you leave me you aren’t getting a f***ing penny. I will runaway to Alaska and you and the children will starve to death without me.” I heard it all from the top of the stairs. My mom cried and told him what an ass he was but that didn’t make much difference...she ended up staying. And dad was right. We would have starved. He had rigged the finances in such a way that my mom had absolutely no money at her disposal without his approval.
About 2 years ago dad had an aneurysm. It caused sever brain damage and left him cognitively disabled. It was a very rough time for the family but during this time is when the spell was broken and the wool was lifted from my mother’s eyes. All of us were waiting hand and foot 24/7 on someone we didn’t fact someone I won’t even say I liked...I hate my father and I have for a very long time. Mom had time to undo all the damage my father had done to our finances and then finally my mother finally got up the courage to pick up and leave. Right now they are in the process of divorcing and dad moved out on June 1st. Things are much more peaceful here without him.
Alright well that’s just a taste of the history. A very basic summary really. But you’ll get to know more and more about me as the diary goes on. Thanks for stopping in and taking the time to read about lil’ old me.

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