|Saturday, May 29th, 2010|
havent been on in forever but am ready to change that...excited to be back!
|Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005|
|yes im still alive
haha sorrrryyyyyyyy for this very outdated entry; ive just been so bombarded by school and work; i took my last final last night so spring break officially starts today yay! not really gonna do much though haha defly not going to end up on girls gone wild but yeah prolly just work and relax; i cant wait to go home on saturday night after work and have a nice home cooked meal from mom; mmm i think thats the thing i miss most about going away to college: all my family and friends and having someone take care of you ie have dinner always ready for you; i mean i can cook for myself and i do and it was a good feeling at first but ive been craving a lot of things that i cant make and no one makes it like mom; except dad but thats not a possibility so nm; yeah but i get to spend easter down in colton im so excited! i cant wait...i really do miss everyone; ill get to see vicky and alex and their families;
im glad this qtr ended; it was so long and gruesome; haha still gotta pray about those final grades though
everything with jason is going really well; ill prolly fill everyone up on that during spring break when i have more time; i think im going to take a nap now just cause i can and have time to do it; Current Mood: excited
|Tuesday, November 23rd, 2004|
okkk sorry this has to be a quickie but ive been dying to update and i just have no time/energy; work is going really well im getting like 30+ hours each week so far and im finally beginning to feel more comfortable with what im doing so thats all good; thanksgiving is finally coming around and im really excited; im going to spend it with my family; unfortunately, i have to work at 530 am on the day after so i couldnt go up north with my bf and go snowboarding but well just go some other time;
speaking of that incredibly sweet simply amazing person, we just celebrated our one month anniversary! it was sooooooooooo awesome; i found a really nice restaurant out here in irvine that sits out on a lake so i made reservations; i bought him some really cute boxers from old navy with a bit of sentimental value behind the actual design and i also bought my first black lingerie from vs along with super cute underwear! so we got all dressed up to go out to dinner and i blindfolded him to keep the place a surprise; it was so much fun and man jason is sooooooooooo hot; he wore some khaki pants and a black sweater which just oggled his awesome body and i was like oh dear god thats hot; so we had dinner outside on the patio and could actually see the ducks and swans in the lake it was so cute he kept feeding them our sourdough bread; but yeah we had lobster which was actually really good and we had virgin drinks hehe and so after we placed our order he was like "so whats so special about today that you took me out?" and i figured that he forgot so i just simply replied "nothing, cant i take my bf out to dinner during the week?" and then he pulls out a blue tiffanys box and sets it in the middle of the table and i just nearly cried; i know it sounds cliche but i pretty much reacted like he was gonna propose or something you know that totally shocked i totally didnt expect it happy wanna cry reaction; so after i caught my breath i was like "whats this for?" and he said "oh nothing, cant i get you a gift just because?" and i just smiled and told him i left his gift at home so we decided to open them up together; we just had a real fun time talking and it wasnt too busy so it was a really intimate setting for our dinner; after we got back to the house he opened his present and just totally bombarded me with kisses while i was explaining why i chose a certain style for the boxers; hehe he absolutely loved em and then i opened mine and he got me a heart bracelet; you know the one where it says please return to tiffany and co; so yeah were gonna go get it engraved but omg i was like you really shouldnt have and he said it was nothing compared to all that u do for me; talk about feeling guilty...i really didnt think hed remember but wow; i mean its only our first month and thats such an expensive gift; im so screwed i have no idea what to get him for our 2 month which is exactly one week before xmas; i have an idea of part of what i want to get him for xmas but i cant afford such gifts; i just really dont feel like i deserve his gift; i guess its cause it was the first time i actually spent an anniversary with my bf and it was the first time i recieved a gift on our actual date; i kinda conditioned myself to be disappointed on anniversaries which isnt what i expected from jason but just a thought that i got accustomed too; i talked to my housemates about it and they pretty much told me that its obvious im doing something right and i shouldnt feel guilty since its a gift he felt appropriately suited me, something he wanted me to have; i guess i shouldnt really feel that i have to spend as much on a gift because hes not into monetary value at all but i should just stick to what i feel he would truly like and that is heartfelt; he just amazes me all the time; i feel like the luckiest girl and i couldnt be any happier;i havent told him that i love him which i guess is just a safety precaution conditioned from previous experiences; i mean my exes told me they loved me after 3 dates and i just became so skeptical about the validity of it but with jason he just takes it as it goes; nothing too fast paced and im glad because i want to be absolutely certain i mean it when i say it which honestly feels like its going to happen pretty soon; and i do think that the relationship is getting a lot serious; obviously aside from the bracelet being a good sign of commitment he mentioned getting an apartment together for school next year if we both fail to find housing before then and it was kinda like wow he still sees us together then; its such a nice feeling and i hope we are; i mean im not aiming for marriage or anything but i definitely would love to keep this one around for quite some time; well i better go shower i have so much reading to do; muah i miss you ill try to update more often; sweet dreams Current Mood: pleasedCurrent Music: youre mine~richie valen
|Tuesday, October 26th, 2004|
yay! class was cancelled tonight so i just got a chance to go to albertsons and pick up some milk for jason and some cherry limeade for me (had to do it, it was only 1.5 and it was cherry...) so yeah here i am just chilling; i should go shower, make dinner and then read but my ass is sooooooooo lazy; i felt sooooooo bad i fell asleep during class today and i dont know why; i slept until like 1230 today; and even now im still tired but i know i shouldnt be since ive been sleeping and eating like a cow; ive lost weight since i moved down here but i think im beginning to gain it back; im like always wanting to munch on something; its pretty bad....
okk so now disneyland; before we left we went out to del taco for breakfast and jason had some fries so he made a mtn of ketchup and then poured pepper on top of it; so im thinking okk thats a bit odd i usually put the pepper on my fries but hey he can eat it however he wants; he then informs me that it creates heat when you put pepper on ketchup and im like no way and he said no really watch gimme your hand so im thinking hes an engineering major the boy is pretty smart fine ill see for myself yeah no as soon as i got close enough he slammed my hand down into the mtn and i just looked pissed; we were both laughing so hard i was more upset that i fell for it than upset that he actually tried it; i looked up at him and said are we officially on our second date and he replied it starts when we get to dl and i was like you are lucky youre cute; i still feel like an idiot for falling for it; my baby got me good...
so we finally find danielle after getting lost on inside streets and we had such a blast; it wasnt too crowded and we must have gotten on 10 rides (thnx again momma) but unfortunately small world wasnt open so were gonna try and go back for their xmas decoration version; jason wanted to ride it during the fireworks cause he said itd be perfect; the haunted mansion looked awesome; i absolutely loved it! too bad we didnt get to take any pix; well have to go on peter pan next time too; he was being soooooo cute the whole time there too; he paid for all our pix (which i felt really bad about) so i got our dinner which we had at the espn zone; burger was good a bit dry but they have a killer honey mustard; mmmm so yeah the night ended with his arms around me as we had one of the best views in the house of the fireworks and when a whole new world came on we just sang it together; he would occasionally kiss my cheek and i never felt so wanted and cared for; it was defly the most romantic date ive ever been on; he even bought me one of those light up roses; *sighs* we went on the swinging gandola and our pix turned out really cute; i felt bad though cause he spent like 50 on pix....but they look super cute on my wall; i also got hiim a stitch mug to make up for the one i broke and i got myself a new tinkerbell one; i also got a cute tinkerbell shot glass and i got some of the housemates some candy; jason was like youre so nice you just spent 30 on candy and none of its for you; hehe thats me! im still sad i couldnt find stitch; man i feel so drained; i think im going to go shower and see if the bf wants to eat dinner; hehe muah i miss all you guys hope you update soon; ciao Current Mood: pleasedCurrent Music: whole new world~j and q
|Monday, October 25th, 2004|
yet another quickie
man i have so much to say but no energy to really write it; well its official jason and i are dating (eeee that sounds so cool) and we had such a blast at disneyland; i got to see and hang out with danielle and it meant the world to me that they got along so well; he thinks shes really cool and mature hehe; more on dl later....
school is going well and orientation is on thurs; i cant wait to start working....grrrr
urgh guys; i think i just lost a friend....damn male sensitivity
|Monday, October 18th, 2004|
our first date
hehe well ill start off by saying that my last interview went very well and i got the job; im so excited! i cant wait to start working again; im just waiting for them to recieve my drug tests results and then i attend an orientation and then i start; im so stoked!
lets see, school is going well;i just bought my book for my theater class haha that bookstore was hella ghetto i was like wow; ivc is nothing like rcc; i think for once i actually miss my old school....
okkk now the good stuff! jason and i are having so much fun hanging out; we like spend a lot of time together and i absolutely adore him; on friday donnie asked him to go hang out and he turned him down cause he wanted to see a movie with me; and it was so nice hanging out just the 2 of us; didnt last long though cause yeah we missed the movie time by an hour so anyways last night was our first official date; hehe it was sooooooo cute he came into my room after going to the gym and was like you wanna go out to dinner and so we went to pf changs at the spectrum; i actually suggested it and he was thinking of going to the same place i was like how awesome is that! and he totally loves cucumber melon haha he held my hand as soon as we got out of the house and just totally kissed me after sniffing me; lol it was awesome i was like im so wearing this around you; oh yeah but we walked around the spectrum for a while cause it was a 35 min wait and we took a pic together on my camera cause i didnt have one and its actually a really cute picture; we saw an old couple there while we were waiting and i took a pic for them and they have been married for 60 years; it was sooooooooooo cute and so we talked about that and how many asian ethnicities arent as affectionate; we finally get a booth and it was just absolutely romantic; i asked him if he wanted to drink cause i could drive us home and he said he only drinks on special occassions so i asked him why he drank when we went out to eat sushi and he replied cause it was our first date; i told him it was just our first dinner so he ordered a buddhas dream and said tonight was our first official date; i sooooooooooooooooo melted; we kept putting food on each others plates and he told me he wouldnt mind if i double dipped and i said no way im double dipping on our first date; lol it was such a good time; and the thing i loved most was how he kept smiling at me and then just kissing my cheek; it was soooooo sweet; oh and then we had fortune cookies and his was something lame like you wanna go to the sahara desert or something and mine said you are a classic and he just nodded in agreement and so i asked im a classic what and he said a classic girlfriend; i was completely touched and i just kissed him and said thank you; and then he paid for dinner after i told him id get the tab and he said no its our first date; lol i was like you are so cute and of course he opened all the doors and all that other cute first date stuff; we went back to the house and studied in his room and he just stared at me reading and then finally took my post it, wrote something on it and put it on my forehead so i was like what and i read it and it said mine; haha so i wrote quyens bitch and put it on him; lol okkk so im not romantic but it was hella funny his roommate got a good kick out of it; i finally finished my art reading so i went back to my room and he was like oh are you going to go? and he pouted; god it was soooooooo cute but yes i went back so i could talk to my girls; speaking of which it was sooooooo nice to talk to them; we had like 2 conversations yesterday and it was deep and not gossipy but like we just bonded; i miss that; i mean i totally love spending time with jason but i feel like ive neglected my girls and i dont want them thinking that im only going to be around him now cause thats not how i am but we talked about everything and they think were totally cute and they dont feel like im ignoring them which is really really good;
it was so awesome the night before donnie took jason and i out kareoking with 2 of his frens and it was such a blast; hehe jason chose a whole new world for us to sing a duet; i was like cute! he is such a great guy; *sighs* speaking of my fiancee donnie and i went to south coast plaza yesterday and i bought some hot pants for work; i also got the appropriate underwear to go with it! man i feel great; and i need a nap so imma go take one...
were going to disneyland on friday...im so stoked!
Current Mood: perfect
Current Music: a whole new world
|Tuesday, October 12th, 2004|
things are going so well its kinda scary; first off i have my last and final interview tomorrow so i should defly prep for that; i think im going to go with a skirt and a sleeveless ann taylor shirt; yeah that should be good; im not so much nervous as i am excited; i really hope it goes well cause that would rock; i totally miss working; i went home on sunday to do laundry and visit my family and i ended up staying to work on monday cause they were shortstaffed and it was such a good feeling knowing that im good at something and deeply appreciated; and all my coworkers/clients were telling me how it looks like ive lost a lot of weight and that was so great too cause ive been eating out alot and its refreshing to know that i can take care of myself in a good way; i really dressed up for work cause i hadnt been there in forever and it was great; i miss them and i do miss my job; i mean we did get busy and i got a little stressed but it turned out okkk; it was an awesome drive back; only took me 30 mins and thats the fastest its ever taking me to get here so im like wow that was awesome; i so missed my roommie it wasnt even funny; i actually just missed all my dormmates; like i spent the night at home and i felt so lonely; lol im such a loser i know but it was just too quiet on that king size bed and i so longed to be back here; i nearly tackled my roommate when i saw her cause i missed her that much; haha actually i tackled both of them; it was a lot of fun; lol the way we were acting it seemed like we hadnt seen each other in like months or something; its a good feeling to be home;
insecurity is defly not a good feeling; for the first time in a long time im experiencing this and i really dont like it; its so new to me and i know why its here and its put me exactly in the same mood that i was in on friday;it basically comes down to my own interpretation; and the worse part is that i know i brought it all on myself; i h8 it when im overemotional cause im so freaking vulnerable its not even funny; someone save me i want to escape this terrible feeling; actually im so emotional right now i just want to crawl into bed and cry; grrrrr boooo being a girl! poop on being female! (not really, im sure ill be over it in a few hours) i think imma go.... Current Mood: confusedCurrent Music: dont speak~no doubt
|Saturday, October 9th, 2004|
so after my entry last night i decided i was going to read my romance novel and did that happen? no; jason came into my room and asked if i wanted to watch lilo and stitch so i was like of course! haha it is my favorite movie so like 4 other ppl joined us; hehe party in my room (party like everynight so far this week) so it was like me and all the rest guys; afterwards most left and it was just me and jason and hiram and we just talked a little bit and then hiram left so we decided to play a drinking game with the alize that jasons frens left him for his bday; haha popped my shot cherry and it was like a good couple of us playing; it was a hella fun first friday night i spent here; and i think im going to spend tonight here too;
so anyways i dont know why guys give mixed signals; i kept getting a friend vibe but then id get something more too; it confused the crap out of me and i was very discouraged when i updated yesterday; well its all figured out now; jason spent the night in my room and we talked and after giving up any hope of stealing a gnite kiss he kissed me; it caught me off gaurd cause i had been hoping for it and didnt really think itd happen and it was just perfect; hes really gentle and caring and totally hot! i was very pleased;still am; he has such soft lips; mmmm...
i got a disturbing fone call this morning but i really dont wnat to talk about him right now so ill save it for later; i should start getting ready for my interview so ill catch you guys l8er;
Current Mood: heavenly
Current Music: on the way down~ryan cabrera
|Friday, October 8th, 2004|
man i got a huge bruise on my arm from swinging the bat wrong in the batting cages; haha yes im being a girl about it i just started so im like all overemotional; so yeah i had a weird and tiring day; im so gonna curl up with my romance novel before bed which is going to be very soon; i have so much to say but no energy to write it; i will state however that i h8 how easily attached i am and i h8 that i miss having someone there; i miss being called and i miss the confidence of knowing that someone accepts me for me and that thats more than enough for him; most of all i miss feeling wanted/needed; off to bed... Current Mood: rejectedCurrent Music: if youre not the one~daniel bedingfield
|im loving friday!
so yesterday was fun; after class i went out to dinner with jason and randy and then i went the art gallery opening on campus so i could get extra credit; it was ok small selection i was a bit disappointed youd think an opening at such a large university would contain more but hey what do i know; then i went to the pizza party which was ok except they ran out of pizza so we went to go get some food for the others and then we went to the pub; at first i wasnt going to go but everyone was going so i was like okk fine; it took forever to get a pool table so me jason randy vinh and hiram got back in my car and we drove to ihop; dude they were so understaffed it was not even funny; there was like 10 tables still with menus and no food so we left and ordered pizza back at the dorm; it was soooooooo foggy i really couldnt see much; granted ive been thru worse but still; jason kept picking on me last night and then he tried to be all sweet and patted my head telling me i needed to go to sleep; hes soooo silly; and he tries to always feed me; its actually quite flattering that he notices but i dont think its in a way id hope for; im defly picking up friend vibes so its all good;guess its a good thing i caught it early; i finally went to bed and finished my resume;
so i had my first interview with best buy today; the guy i had an appt with wasnt even there so i ended up being interviewed by another person; guess what his name was...yup, it was also jason; but omg he was incredibly good looking; i was like wow tall gorgeous complexion beautiful eyes and he liked me; our interview wasnt very long but it was a really good experience; he scheduled me for my second one for tomorrow at 4 so i finally get to spend my first friday night at the dorm; i dont think it will be any diff but its gonna be fun cause its the first weekend i get to really spend with my roommate; so i was prepping myself up in the car and none of the questions i anticipated were any of the ones he asked me; pretty much he likes my availability and my experience; i hoped the smile worked as well lol but well soon see; anyways im getting ready to go shopping so i can buy a new top ; then i guess were doing something at the beach tonight im not sure; totally up to my roomie; i have more to say but not much more time so ill have to update later; hope all is well for everyone; ciao! Current Mood: contentCurrent Music: back here~ bbmak
|Thursday, October 7th, 2004|
booo...its a gorgeous sweater day all overcast and totally cuddle up able but what am i doing im online cause i cant fall asleep; i went to bed after 3 cause thats when all the ppl left our room we had like 9 peeps up in here; man im a tired girl; i had a lot of energy before i went to bed though; but i tossed and turned the whole night and i almost fell off i was like lol thats not cool; mmm i could go for a raspberry mocha right now;
i slept until 1030 before my dormmate knocked and invited me to go to albertsons since i didnt buy anything at ranch 99; i was like wow what a sight to wake up to lol but anyways i got ready and then off we went; not only did he drive there but he paid for my groceries; i was like omg jason (yeah i know it had to be that name of all names....) dont pay for my groceries i feel so bad it was seriously like $60 combined; he said it was the least he could do since i paid for dinner; grrr what am i going to do with the boy! and after that he invited me out to lunch so i got to meet some of his frens and theyre really nice; lol they tell great stories too;
so i went to a study abroad meeting yesterday and i thought its still hot ill just shuttle over here and then stay for class; yeah i got out at like 850 freezing; i had on a denim skirt and a roxy tshirt and it was hella foggy and i said geez why is it so cold; on top of that my shuttle stopped running at 630 which i did not know; assuming it ran until 10 i stood outside waiting for it to come and after 10 minutes i called my roommie who didnt answer so i walked from the campus to av; it wasnt a long walk or anything like that; it took me about 15/20 mins but it was so foggy and it was late and i was scared; luckily another girl was waiting for the same shuttle so we walked together; im so driving to class next week;
so the whole day i didnt eat anything and by the time i walk into the house im famished; i had like 2 bites of pizza and a green tea at lunch and that was at 1 so 8 hours later im not a happy girl; i changed into my poodle pjs and walked downstairs to make dinner; i was stirring my meat and mushrooms in my spaghetti sauce when out of the corner of my eye i saw a half naked guy; to be sure my eyes werent playing with me i relook and there he was in the middle of dying his hair and what a sight indeed; he had on jeans and a pair of old navy boxers and his belt was undone and so was the top button of his jeans; and his uncovered abs left me drooling; i was like omg....yeah needless to say i overcooked my pasta; and it wasnt like he stayed at a distance or anything no he came right up in the kitchen so i could get a full on close up look; grrrr i h8 being teased; he took my fone upstairs and put some pix on it; there was one of his roomie and another of a marlboro carton folded into something else and then one of a panda; i was like awwww how cute; he came into my room after showering and we just sat there talking and looking at pix; we also played around with our fones and he took a pic of us on his fone; i was like CUTE! haha we made some funky videos on my fone while we were laying in bed; and no it wasnt just the 2 of us in my room so dont get any ideas when i said funky videos i meant silly ones; and he wants to go to disneyland so imma call danielle and see when shes not working so we can hang out with her and papa; oh yeah sorry momma i just got a new cell fone ill call you later today with the number; i know i said i wouldnt get my hopes up but its so hard when hes being so cute; did i mention he does oragami as well and that he can make giant hello kitties? he told me he made one for his gf once for an anniversary present and i was sooooooooo impressed; well just have to wait and see where it goes from here; either way ive been having so much fun hanging out with him; haha okk now im just rambling; imma try to go back to sleep since its only 843 and i dont have class til 330; but after class theres a pizza party and then off to the pub at 10; im so excited! ciao Current Mood: indescribableCurrent Music: kiss me~sixpence none the richer
|Tuesday, October 5th, 2004|
hope all is going well; as predicted this month is going much better for me; i finalized everything and as long as i keep my grades up ill get to stay; so far classes are fun but its getting tough- for my art class my final is 60% of my grade; im like kinda worried but hey i have to do it; ive worked too hard and put up with too much to just let it all go; im just so glad sept is over and now finally things are getting soooooooo much better; other than being a bit worried i love my classes; im having a lot of fun and im really interested in it so thats all good;
im totally having a blast staying out here; i sleep in late i cook my own food i do what i want to do and i still keep up with the school work; i guess im enjoying all the perks of being independent; i was supposed to go grocery shopping but i ended up not getting anything from ranch 99; things were way overpriced in there i was like wow; hehe i did however get to spend time with my very gorgeous dormmate; we actually went out to dinner at this sushi place and the guy did all those pan frying tricks it was soooooooooo cool; i was like cherry i also had saki i think thats how its spelled hehe and it was just so much fun; like we were just talking about randomn things and it was nice to not feel like i had to put on an appearance for once; i mean im living with the guy so no reason to be fake; and its not like were looking for anything, it was just a nice dinner and great conversation with someone who happens to be incredibly attractive; haha mega perks of dorming...man hes sooooo sweet and considerate; and incredibly funny...did i mention he invited me up north to go snowboarding for thanksgiving break? eeee*sighs* i shall leave you on that note...im hoping my luck is changing; i keep praying for one day to meet a sweet guy who wont turn 180 on me...until then ill keep ya posted; off to host a party in my room lol ciao Current Mood: pleasedCurrent Music: heaven~dj sammy
|Tuesday, September 28th, 2004|
ive been so busy since my last update; pretty much i have a chance at working things out with school so thats what ive been trying to do; my rooommate is awesome; shes sooooooo pretty and shes totally funny and its weird how well we get along; i mean we have a lot in common but we also have a lot of differences;weve been hanging out like everyday so as far as the social part of college its going great! im going to be soooooooooo sad if i dont get to stay;but im just taking it day by day so w/e....
lets see;ive been meeting a lot of ppl; not one person in particular but just a bunch of ppl from the house; everyone is super nice and friendly; theres a lot of love up here in av; i am attracted to a few ppl and not just for looks but for different reasons; its just refreshing to know that theres more than shallow guys out there;
speaking of guys i called tuan on friday cause i missed him and he was being totally distant and kinda rude and i was like okk... hes all telling me im not talking to him all nice and when i do hes like totally not; grrrrr why are boys such losers; gawd; i talked to jason for a bit on sunday and i invited him to the beach bonfire our house was having at corona del mar; yeah no surprise he didnt call but im over it;im not going to go out of my way to try with anyone that wont put in any effort or show appreciation for my efforts; with either of them; grrrrrrr
oh man the most gorgeous white boy held the door for us after class today; i was like wow that is an awesome view; lol guess who ill be sitting next to on thurs....haha yeah right you know i could never do anything like that;
so last night zahra donnie and i went to go see the forgotten at the spectrum; what a disappointment; i mean hanging out with them was way cool but that movie was not worth all the wonderful hopes the previews gave me;but irvine knows how to put on a show; that theater was simply amazing;
well, i should go fix something to eat; im starving ...booo responsibility; Current Mood: disappointedCurrent Music: with you~jessica simpson
|Friday, September 17th, 2004|
okk...so i think im finally ready to talk about school;about 2 weeks ago i recieved a fone call from my counselor telling me that im short 6 units to transfer; the mistake was due to an ap test i thought i had passed and regrettably learned that i didnt; i was misinformed and tried to explain this to them but im sure uci just took it as i was lying to get in; my mistake for not knowing for a fact that i didnt pass in the first place; so anyways after that this month has just been hell; and ive been trying to contact the asst director for the past week and i finally got a hold of her today; after more stress and aggravation she finally called me back and told me theyll admit in the fall but that i have to call my academic counselor; so i did twice and guess who hasnt called me back; its so frustrating; i dont know how the hell they even call it a functioning school nonetheless one of the top 20 across the nation; but thats just me venting;...so yeah i dont know if i want to take their extension courses and be admitted in january; i will do that if they let me dorm while im taking those courses; if not, im going to take this semester off and finish up at rcc next semester and during this time im going to apply to other schools for admission in fall 2005; im so sad about my roommate though; shes like totally disappointed and so am i; if i decide to go there i would defly want to dorm with her again..well not like we really had a first but still; imma miss her....
he signed on for a quick second and i felt my heart beat increase dramatically; then he signed off just as quick and just as well too; im sure he doesnt want to talk to me anyways; why? i dont know but its weird how good i am at bad feelings lately; its like if i have a bad feeling about what could happen it does; but anyways i guess its getting easier to accept that we are no longer what we once were; gawd i miss just talking to him; i look at all the yapoo emoticons and its just so saddening; i really miss him and i h8 the fact that i know exactly why....
soooo i saved the good news for last! haha didnt think there would be any did ya? i didnt either....its the ONLY good thing that this month has truly brought me and hasnt taken away from me but i highly doubt even my bad luck could screw this up for me; today wanda officially asked me to be her maid of honor cause she was officially proposed to! im soooooooooooooo stoked...ive never been one before...i even started looking at wedding gifts stuff but im not sure what i like; or the wedding colors or anything like that; im just excited; it gives me something positive to focus on for once; its going to be so much fun...
things are getting better between me and tuan; were still trying out the friends thing and its getting a lot better since he stopped making me feel guilty for breaking up with him; we actually sounded normal today and i enjoyed talking to him; hes coming back out here in oct and i am excited to see him; and i know im excited for the right reasons; im not anticipating his arrival because i feel alone or sad or anything, i just missed him; despite everything, he does have really good characteristics too and it doesnt hurt that hes the hottest viet guy ive ever laid eyes on; mmmmm!
some other thoughts for tonight....
a. no more internet boys for quyen
b. no more oc boys for quyen
c.not only do i feel like im not good enough for uci, i also feel like im not pretty enough for oc; does that make sense to anyone else?
d.still have faith even though i prayed today and it didnt work out the way i hoped it would...
e.no more republicans for quyen (sorry momma, just havent had any luck with them)
f. its time for a vacation!
g.im sick and tired of waiting and being disappointed and im sick and tired of all this bad stuff that keeps coming my way; i believe in karma but wtf did i do to deserve all this! grrrrr
h. its times like these that make me greatful for the friends that have stuck around...thnx everyone!
i. i know one day i will smile like i used to..until then, ciao
Current Mood: fed up!
Current Music: yellowcard~ rough draft
|Thursday, September 16th, 2004|
just make it stop
as if i needed anything else to deal with...im truly at my wits end; just make it stop, make it all go away; let me escape my misery...
damn my bad luck; it even took away one of the only things that made me happy this month...it took away jason; i just got a message from him saying how much fun he had hanging out but he that all he wanted was to be friends; his message sounded more like a final good bye than a message; so what does all this mean? it means i did it again; thats right quyen has once again scared off another perfectly wonderful person; i didnt intend on trying to date him or anything like that- i just thought that the option was there but i was so very wrong; mabey shoe was right when he said i expected too much out of myself and the other person involved when it just begins; mabey i should learn how to relax and take it slow....whatever the cause it doesnt change that jason isnt the slightest bit interested in me as a friend or as anything else; and it would be so easy to try and blame his feelings on him but thats not what i really feel; i think hes incredible and i believe i just wasnt the right one; i believe this now...i think i get too involved too quickly; i finally stopped crying; i just reread all our ims and you know what, im beginning to feel a bit better; i might not have jason but i do still have all the late nights we shared together; im greatful we met cause he was there for me when i needed him to help me get through this whole confusion with school; he changed me and touched my soul when i needed it most and for that he'll always mean something to me; i shouldnt be so crushed that hes not as interested in me; afterall, its all a part of growing up; so i firmly stand by the statement that im being tested/challenged this month in every possible way and im dealing with things a lot better; and ill make it through cause thats the way its supposed to end up; i think i overreacted about his message; so what if its another person who slipped away; just means that it wasnt the right person for me; i took a risk and although it didnt work out the way i wished it could have, i still benefitted from it;sometimes you get happy endings and most often you dont but either way doesnt mean the experience is a total lost; im beginning to feel a bit more optimistic...
Current Mood: depressed to optimistic
Current Music: yellowcard~ rough draft
|Wednesday, September 15th, 2004|
|come away with me
ever feel like you just want to escape? i wish i could just get away from everything; then life would have no complications...mabey not forever but just for a little bit; what i wouldnt give to be able to forget about all that has been happening, to be able to believe in myself again; and thats really waht it comes down to: i dont feel like im good enough anymore; im letting this get to me more than i should but i dont know that i can do anything anymore; i think im losing all hope in myself; i feel weak and vulnerable, hopeless and useless; im sure this is just a stage but its not a pretty part of the experience; i let myself down and its taking me longer to get back up but i feel devastated and tired; im tired of waiting for an answer i already know; for a decision to be final that i already know what will be chosen; and most of all i h8 the tiny bit of hope that remains in my body that boggles my mind; i wish it would die and go away and i know it will stay until i get my final answer, the decision taht has turned my life around;i feel like im at rock bottom and im not sure how much more i can take; i wake up every morning wondering if i will recieve that call that will trigger off so many tears and leave all my emotions raw and bare; the call that will anger me and the inevitable decision that will reinforce my doubts about my abilities; i feel like i have accomplished nothing, became nothing to anyone except a disappointment because this is how i view myself; its funny to think i used to be good at something; i used to fully believe and have hope; my dream is turning into a nightmare and i know i am the reason behind it; i am the one to blame and i am the one to pay;i am the one who has destroyed myself....someone save me...
i think i made a mistake, that i overlooked things between us; i have no clue as to how he feels about me and i feel i may have been too forward, too clingy too needy; im not sure if this is at all accurate but i feel like i scared off my friend;arrogant of me to think hed find me attractive anyways; i sure as hell dont look like one of his model skinny friends....im not sad about that, just sad i dont think its going to ever amount to anything;
im in a weird mood today; i dont know why i cant explain it but i have been doing a lot of thinking; i wish i could go back in time and enjoy all the little luxuries we so often take for granted; you know how comforting it is to know that youre going to go to that high school with all of your friends? that they wont question ur ability to thrive there as a student, that they wont turn you down because you were mistaken; i wish i could relive 8th grade year where i felt on top of the world; i was in njhs, drama, advanced classes, i had the highest gpa in the school, i had so many friends, but most of all i felt like i could accomplish anything; and the damn idealist that i am wont let me lose that tiny ounce of hope that is hanging on inside me; so until my answer comes im just going to be in this weird awkward mood...
off for my romance novel to be my salvation.... Current Mood: weirdCurrent Music: yellowcard~ rough draft
|Tuesday, September 14th, 2004|
|something good for once
popped my 73 freeway cherry today as i went down to uci today to see if i could talk to the asst director; as my luck would have it she wasnt there...i also got a parking violation warning for parking illegally but the cars around me didnt; thats so bullshiet! ...but i dont really mind cause i did something for myself that was incredibly wonderful;
today, i met jason.
i thought such a sentence deserved to be on its own; jason is absolutely wonderful and i really do believe he is one of the best ppl i have met in a long time; hes tall and has the most gorgeous eyes; of course he was too shy to look directly at me the whole time but man i could so spend a day just staring at him; we had such a blast hangin out and i was a bit disappointed it ended so early but hey i made it just in time for danielle to finish up with classes; he popped my fashion island cherry and my irvine spectrum cherry too! i was like yay...and hes such a cutie; i mean hes good looking but its his personality that really makes him so appealing to me; and hes quite the considerate gentleman; opened doors and all that other good stuff; hes very well mannered and i never felt uncomfortable at all; it just seemed like we were good frens before; man we had lunch at the most fancy mcdonalds ive ever been too; this one had like actual art paintings on the walls, a giant big screen tv, and 2 video games kids could play; i was like omfg....but anyways jason is really shy and its soooooo cute; haha and were both super picky bout clothes...he liked the card i got him btw; hehe so i was pleased with that; but man we walked around a lot; god my legs hurt....im so sore; but i woulda walked some more if it meant spending more time with him; i really like him; hes funny smart sarcastic cute as all hell and he has one of the most gorgeous smiles; i dont know if i like him enough to label it as a crush but i will say that im defly interested in the guy; or mabey it really is a classic crush in every sense of the word but im too uncertain about his feelings to admit it; it wasnt anything like meeting brian; it was special and unique in all diff ways; i liked taking it slowly...
but i am a very tired girl and will continue this later as i gain some energy; muah
ps. accompaniment are compliments of jason; its one of his fav songs Current Mood: pleasedCurrent Music: yellowcard~ rough draft
|Saturday, September 11th, 2004|
|the world can have a truly ugly face
this month just plain sucks and yes i know it just started; everything and anything bad has happened and only one good thing has come out of it; or well, im not that pessimistic but im definitely being dealt some damn ugly cards; school is a mess, its not working out according to plan and until its final i wont write about it (except that i cried for days about it and im getting super frustrated); which kinda sucks cause its one of my main problems right now;
i talked to my roommate finally; omg zahra is sooooo cool and we get along really well; im not saying we wont have our differences (learned from momma and athena) but we got off to a really good start; and depending on school ill see if it continues grrrrrr....
went to the casino again last night to forget about everything; didnt work ended up losing 92....haha oops; i mean it was fun but i knew i wasnt in a good mood so i wouldnt be feeling too lucky; i did buy myself a really good strawberry daiquiri again; mmmmm! and there were some good looking white guys there...haha
so more bad news, i broke up with tuan 2 days ago; i dont know its weird cause he finally called me and i was just sad; i called him and got his voicemail and tina was on his greeting; oh i was soooooooo pissed at first i called i was ready just to talk and to pop the idea up to him but after hearing her voice and him knowing it not changing it i just gave up and called from my work fone; low and behold he answered so i questioned him about it; he said he was busy and didnt have time to getting around to change it; so i basically told him that i was sad and what was a big problem for us in the relationship and i explained how i have alot going on and how i really felt it was in our best interest to just be friends for now; im not sure if well get back together but i just knew right now i needed him to be a friend; i didnt tell him it felt like he didnt care about me but it hurt cause he started acting like he did after we talked; it was like why couldnt you be like this the whole way thru; and he just told me he wanted me to be happy;and today he totally gave me a guilt trip; he said i was acting distant and that i wasnt talking all sweet to him; oh and he also threw in a since you just want to be frens grrr that one was so not fair; so we talked later on and i was sweeter but it just didnt feel the same; i wasnt all happy cause i think hes calling to prove a point-that he can change; after everything he just sounded disappointed; the thing that kills me most is that i think i hurt him which was not at all my intention; i dont know if things will ever feel right again...i wish things were easier to deal with....more news later and yes its good news Current Mood: guiltyCurrent Music: i wont cry~profyle
|Monday, September 6th, 2004|
i started this update yesterday but then i got tired and deleted it and now im wishing i didnt cause it was a good start; anyways ive been pretty busy lately...friday went to the casino and won 28 dollars; woohoo me hehe i also had a strawberry daiquiri that night mmm it was yummy! i also got carded 3x that night; geezo i had on a guess t shirt and a squirt; i sure as hell did not look under 18 but oh well; then on sat i closed up at the restaurant at like 1030 and then drove down to oc for the party at my coworkers and man i didnt leave til like 2am; i was so tired driving home but they were playing popular trance songs so i was all hyped up and i didnt realize how sleepy i was til i almost ran a red light; oops lol...so its been a pretty busy weekend;
i spent most of sunday trying to book a flight for tuan to come back and i found a really good deal but he promised to call me back like 34 hours ago with the info....oh well; its kinda been like this the whole relationship; good times then bad or not so good; i dont know itll be 3 months soon....kinda tripping me out; but he was kinda being rude and single minded yesterday i was like ugh whatever; i dont know im doing him a favor and he cant even take the time to call me back....screw it; i bought him a card just cause and i was going to send it along with my cancun pix which i finally got back but i dont know; its a blank card but i really wouldnt know what to write; i did at the time i bought the card but now i wonder if id really mean it; that sounds horrible huh? i think im beginning to get a little bored (i cant believe i just admitted it) im not really too happy with the way the relationship is right now; at times yes it makes me very happy but it just seems kinda like its not going anywhere which isnt his fault; i kinda feel like i want more out of a relationship besides the physical intimacy thats lacked due to the long distance; sometimes i just dont feel like he cares about me and at other times i know he does; its those kinda thoughts that also spring some doubts; sometimes i dont believe what he tells me like theyre just words with no meanings; is that shallow of me? is it wrong for me to have such thoughts? i mean i totally love the guy but i dont think im in love with him; does that make sense? sometimes i think i talk myself into it; the other side of me feels like these feelings are brought because were going thru a bit of trouble; do i always try to run when problems occur? is this considered running, these thoughts , these feelings? im beginning to think i have commitment phobias that or something; really though just looking at the facts: i dont really see him moving over here and i know i wont move over there; hes such a good guy but i feel like i need something more, something diff; im not sure what it is but i think im confused and i know im tired;changing subjects....
i talked to wanda last night and were gonna go hang out tomorrow night; i havent hung out with her in forever so im excited; i dont know what were going to do or where well be but im still excited nonetheless; i still need to call alex and daisy to hook up for daisys bday; haha its all 2 months later....im such a bad friend;
well, im still waiting on news from school; i know i havent wrote about what happend but im hoping it turns out to be a mistake so i wont have to write about it; im still so embarrassed by it...
i got my cam halfworking so if youd like a recent pic just hit me up; (not that i look any diff but im trying to get one with my hair did and my makeup on ) i showed derek a pic of me like that and he was like vy? and i was like omg no its me; weird....
oh yeah, ive been talking to my friend jason like all week; hes so cool and its so weird how much we have in common; we met on yapoo games lol and we just hit it off; haha pretty much took off after that; we talk all the time and play games all the time; hehe hes going to give me a campus tour haha and its just so refreshing to meet someone online who isnt trying to cyber who can actually hold a conversation; we stayed up til like 4 am last night talking; hes like my new best friend; and it doesnt hurt that my new best friend happens to be very good looking lol; he goes to uci and works at dl....im telling ya, its the beginning of a very beautiful friendship! well im off to play something to get my mind off everything; ciao! Current Mood: blahCurrent Music: where i want to be~donell jones
|Tuesday, August 24th, 2004|
hmm lets see; just got back from the gym had a good workout; got to watch a bit of the olympics go usa! hehe been pretty tired; ive also been waitressing so thats taking a toll as well but i get to eat for free hehe....
well the real reason i wanted to update was i saw a picture of my bf and wow i forgot how handsome he is; i nearly felt my heart hit the floor when i saw his picture and i realized how much i love him and how badly i miss him; i dont know it was kinda like the first time i saw him-just stole the breath right out of my mouth; i didnt want to hug him or kiss, i just wanted to be able to stare into his gorgeous eyes again and finally tell him face to face person in person how i really feel about him; i really think were going to make it past my record; i dont know i just feel so lucky and i just cant believe how someone so wonderful would be interested in someone like me; hehe im so simple( haha i know all my friends are like yeah right) i dont know i guess i dont feel pretty enough for the guy; and im scared...i miss him;im so thankful for every minute ive been able to share with him, for all the smiles hes put on my face, and for that wonderful feeling inside; i cant wait til he comes home in oct! ill expand later im so sleepy Current Mood: lovedCurrent Music: more than words