| shit hit the fan |
Saturday, October 11th, 2003
09:42PM |
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I totally forgot I had this journal! Long time, no update I guess.
Everything has been up and down for me lately. I'm weighing 115 lbs and I'm pissed off about it. I've been fasting on and off, but it's really getting me mad that I'm such a bitch while I'm fasting. Does anyone ever feel like that? Everyone gets mad at me and stops hanging around me because Im like the biggest bitch ever if I dont eat anything. So lately, friends have been backing off and it's really depressing to notice. Whatever- they are jealous.
So I'm wanting to get down to 110lbs my next weekend, so Im guessing its time for yet another water fast!
I'll start tomarrow because I'm so over eating right now, and I guess I'll end when i get down to 110.
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| fat ass bitch. |
Sunday, September 7th, 2003
09:40PM |
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I havent updated in like forever. This is sad. My life is getting too happy now, and its taking me away from ana even more. Thats what happens when you go to a school where your best friend is Ms. Popular and drags you into it. I never really cared about being popular until high school, and now it's my life. My days are filled with seeing friends and flirting with boys and caring about my hair and clothes and shit like that. I always have in a way, but not this much, its kind of sad. And appearance is everything to these people, so I have to keep that up too.
I've gained some weight. About 7lbs. I hate myself for that, and I didnt even know it was happening. You know why? Because I havent weighed myself in like 3 weeks. Fucker.
So I'm like 122 right now. Fat ass, I know. Im pissed off everyone, so fucking much.
Whatever, Im going to get back on track. I want to lose the great 10 lsb again and get down to 112 pronto.
Heres the plan:
Week 1:
gym every other day (I have a trial membership to 24 hour fitness, and I can only go 4x a week)
pilates every day
week 1 meal plan:
breakfast: piece of fruit, 5 saltines
snack: 5 carrot sticks
lunch: apple, water
dinner: whaetver mom makes, but only 100 cals worth
I'll stick to that for this week. Good luck cora. you suck.
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| thin mirror |
Tuesday, August 19th, 2003
01:42PM |
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I'm so fucking depressed/fat right now. I went to KMart and bought this new mirror for my door, and turns out it's one of those thinning mirrors, that make you look really thin and tall. Yup, one of those. I was so excited, I ran into my room and put it up, and stared at myself. I looked awesome. Then I turned around to face my real mirror, and talk about depressing. I looked so fat it was shocking. It seemed like I was looking into one of those mirrors that made you look fat and short, but it was the real me. Ugh, im so fucking pissed. But I was excited about my thin mirror, so I put on all my clothes and cute skirts and stuff in front of the mirror and I looked so thin! I'm so mad I dont look like that now.
Anyway, I need to start recording what I eat more often
today:
breakfast: 5 mini carrots
lunch: 3 dill pickles
dinner: no idea yet, probably some more pickles ( only 5 cals each!) and some chiken broth... maybe.
School pics are tomarrow. Great, I'm a fat ass who will have a fat ass picture. Superb.
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| raw...again |
Monday, August 18th, 2003
10:20PM |
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I currently weigh 114lbs, and I NEED to get down to 110 and stay there. I can get there in like 3 days, but I dont know if I can stay there, thats the thing. I'm kinda over fasting because i alwyas gain it back, veen if i only eat like a piece of fruit, for the whole day. Crazy. So I'm going to start taking a yoga class once school starts and start running around my neighborhood. Only problem is that I live on a huge hill, so that will be a pain in the ass, but whatever. It's worth it. At least I'll get a nice ass.
So yoga, running, and under 200 cals this week. Hopefully i can lose a few doing that. I'm not ready for school to start. Pictures are this wednsday and we get our class scheduels. Fun.
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Friday, August 8th, 2003
01:05PM |
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Fasting today, and tomarow and for the rest of my life if I could. Im so sick of this- I cant be normal. I dont want to be normal. I went to Dennys last night with my mom and sister because they were "starving." I was watching the other people eat ( i had some soup) and I wanted to puke. The family next to us ordered all this breakfast junk and ate it ALL. I was bored so I counted up all the calories, and it was over 5,000 calories! Holy shit right? *sigh* fat cows...
Im so low energy right now, I cant even think. I'm going to go watch some tv. later.
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Thursday, August 7th, 2003
11:24PM |
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Fuck, I'm so fucking fat! I'm so back to ana. I tried to be "normal" but I cant eat that fucking much! I cant be "normal!" People eat too much god damn! It's like, your body does NOT need all that fucking food! Your body only NEEDS, REALLY, like an apple every 20 days to live, jesus fucking christ! I'm fasting for the next 5 days and eating like a bite of an apple every day after that, this is fucking ridiculous.
And my friends keep hasseling me to eat and my parents and FUCK THEM! I dont have to fucking eat you fat COWS! You go ahead and clog your arteries with FAt and I'll sit here with my water bottle and drownd in it!
UGGHHHH, I dont need friends! I have a loving family and a perfect boyfriend who doesnt pressure me to eat so fuck you all who do! You will see how perfect i can get
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Wednesday, July 23rd, 2003
01:19PM |
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FUUUUCK! Andrew invited me to go to this water park with him next week. I really want to go with him, but Im a fat ass. fuck fuck fuck!
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Sunday, July 20th, 2003
10:00PM |
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breakfast:
10 crackers- 120c
lunch:
chiken broth- 5c
gum- 5c
dinner:
chiken strips- 200c
bagle w/ peanut butter- 300
I fucking binged. I'll do way better tomarrow.
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Saturday, July 19th, 2003
10:19PM |
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mood |
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 amused |
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sumblime |
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breakfast:
bread- 60c
fruit- 30c
lunch:
bread- 50c
salad w/ lemon juice- 20c
dinner:
chiken broth- 15c
crackers- 30c
Fat free/ sugar free vanilla latte- ?? Im guessing like 50c?
total: aprox. 245c - not bad, I didnt need the bread at both breakfast and lunch, but it seems to fill me up well enough. The chicken broth is my new best friend- only 5 cals per cup! That with some salt and crackers is a fine dinner. So tomarrow I'll basically have what I had today, withouth the bread at lunch and no latte. That will save me like 110 cals! Nice- I'll do that then.
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Friday, July 18th, 2003
10:04PM |
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My dad just totally freaked me out. He said " you know cora, a lot of kids are using these online journal things lately... what do you think of that?" My heart stopped. If he ever read this I would DIE! And I mean DIE! Im so freaked out now, I dont know what to do, I might have to get rid of this journal... FUCK!
*anyway today:
breakfast: half banana
lunch: half smoothie
2 strawberries
dinner: 5 bites of salad w/ blue cheese dressing ( a lot of cals i know.. . they had that or creamy italian!)
5 starbursts
All in all it was about 350 cals. Not too bad. I can do better though. Night
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| today: |
Friday, July 18th, 2003
03:49PM |
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breakfast: half banana, 1 stick gum- 65c
lunch: half smoothie, pickle, stick gum- aprox. 130c
total so far: 195
I didn't need all that smoothie. And I could have had a better fruit for breakfast, bananas have too many cals in them. Almost as much as a Coke! damn.
So for dinner Im planning on having some salad with low fat dressing ( maybe...). Or maybe I'll just have water. who knows. If I had some salad and low fat dressing, it'd be about 35-40c. So if I went that way, I'd have like 230-235 cals. Ew thats like a bagle with cream cheese right there. Gross, maybe I'll just have water for dinner. M, maybe tea. We'll see...
I'm working on my tan, so hopefully that will make me look thinner. Tan, exersize, dont eat. Thats my rule of summer
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Thursday, July 17th, 2003
02:39PM |
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I having such a fat day. All I can do is watch tv and look at all the skinny girls flaunt their perfect bodies. You know what I hate? Girls born with perfect genes that make them skinny. I hate that. I respect girls who work hard for their bodies and cant whatever they want to keep them that way. I respect and look up to those girls.
I had a smoothie for lunch ( bowl cereal for breakfast). I feel so FUCKING FAT! Im not going to have dinner tonight. I want to move NOW to our new house, and start running!
My plan for August:
every morning, run for 20-30min
ALWAYS under 500 cals, but 200 for the first week.
Lay out and work on my tan.
Thats all I plan to do in august- I have to look perfect for school.
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Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
06:29PM |
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Went to the beach today... lots of skinny girls in bikinies. Damn them all, damn them to hell
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| go baby go baby, yeah we're right behind you, GO BABY, GO! |
Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
10:34PM |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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Im going to start running once we move to flat grounds. My friend Larissa and I are going to help eachother get in shape. She wants to lose 20 lbs ( shes a tad overweight) and I want to basicaly get in shape ( if I lose weight though, thats of course awesome). We'll run everyday for like a few miles, then bike to the cove ( an awesome locals only beach) and work on our tans. Sounds good.
OUUUUCCCCHHH! I started breaking out some, so I freaked and went to the dermotologist and she perscribed this Azelex cream that I put on at night. I just put some on over my slightly sunburned face, and it hurts like a bitch! Owie :'(
So YEAH- I really want a boyfriend. I saw Andrew (my ex) today and it made me want to slap him and cry because i miss him so much. His new gf texted me saying " dont ever call my man again." Sweet, right? Ugh, she can go to hell. Him too.... :(
whatever, im ending this day- drivers ed tomarrow morning, then the beach with mom and sis, then boardwalk w/ larissa, sam and nick. nighty night.
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Monday, July 14th, 2003
12:52PM |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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I hate when my mom laughs in the middle of an argument! I was just fighting with her about something and she started laughing and said " your ridiculous." I HATE that so much!
My two biggest pet peves: when people laugh in the middle of a serious argument, and when people slep on my sandals while im walking. Those two things piss me off SO much!
Whatever, shes a fat bitch anyway.
Breakfast: 1/4 apple
lunch: 1/2 Jungle Juice Smoothie
I didn't need that much smoothie. I gave the other half to my sister though, so that was good of me. I'm guessing that was like 100c because it was a strawberry smoothie, not like a banana one or anything.
I'm going go have half a cucumber with some dressing for dinner. Thats like 30c. So today I'll have had like 150 cals.
I'm too excited because I'm buying a new surfboard today, my friend's old 9'6 AFD board, its soooo nice :)
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Sunday, July 13th, 2003
08:21PM |
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NEW PLAN: 3 weeks ( goal: to lose 10lbs )
week 1- under 250 cals ( work it all off at the gym)
week 2- under 200 cals ( work all off)
week 3- under 100 cals ( work all off)
Do you think I could lose 10 lbs with that plan?
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Sunday, July 13th, 2003
06:06PM |
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Ugh, ok fast didnt work out. dad sucks. he made me eat and I gained it all back. What the hell? I'm 115lbs now, and if I dont get my act together Im going to get all the way back to 117lbs. Im so pissed at my dad right now.
So my mom is starting this drink packet diet tomarrow, and Im going to start a "panic diet" that I read about in this magazine my aunt had at her house. It's where you eat under 200 calories a day for 2 weeks and workout for an hour everyday ( Im going to work out to this Slim in 6 tape I have) and you will supposidly lose a pound every 2 days. So Im going to give that a try. Im so frusterated. I wish I was just born with a high metabolism and I never had to worry about weight. GHIURHEKGHUHEJHUNVKJG;ohskgvhs BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! Thanks mom and dad for the GREAT genes! *sigh*
Whatever, new plan starts tomarrow.
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Friday, July 11th, 2003
09:02AM |
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Holy shit. I'm 110lbs! I just weighed myself. Thats my long term goal. I still feel fat though. I guess I'll finish the 10 day fast, just to prove it to myself. Then when I start eating again, I will have some lean way to gain some back, and still be at my long term goal. Wow, I cant believe it. Over a period of almost 3 months ( with ana on and off ) I've lost 30 lbs.
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Thursday, July 10th, 2003
11:08PM |
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Ok new plan. Since we are moving to a house ON THE BEACH, PLEASURE POINT! I decided to make a new plan for myself:
first off I'll finish this 10 day fast.
Then I'll use this plan for the full month before school starts:
week 1- restrict under 500 cals + run every morning, then ride bike to the gym and workout there for an hour.
week 2- restrict under 400 cals + run + gym
week 3- start off week with a 2 day water fast ( no working out, just some walking), then restrict under 300 cals.
week 4 ( final week before school): restrict under 250 cals + run + ride bike to gym and work out for 1 hour.
I have to be able to fit into some nice clothes for back to school shopping. Also, the yearbook pictures are like a week before school starts, so gotta look hot for those! Oh god what am I going to wear?
Thats another thing. Money. Since my parents are divorcing and money is getting tight, I dont know what Im going to do. No one hires 15 year olds anywhere around here, so Im screwed. Maybe I could babysit? ehh... I dont like kids much... messy... loud.... poopie... yeah.
Ok I'm going to take a shower then hit the sack. I have to get up early to write an essey for drivers ed on drunk driving. fun shit. nighty night
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Thursday, July 10th, 2003
09:05PM |
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Day four of water fast down. Everything they say about losing the cravings and not being hungry is pretty true. I dont even really want food right now, I'm just relaxing. Im SO stoked because my mom, my sister and I are moving to this awesome house right on the beach in Santa Cruz. It's on this place called Pleasure Point, a major surfing place. It's flat and has a jogging trail, so I'll be sure to be on it every morning :)
So after tomarrow night, I'll be halfway done with my fast. Only 5 more days after tomarrow. I know I can do that, no problem. I'm getting my belly button pierced this weekend, and it has to be flat by then ( my belly i mean). It's pretty flat now cept for this little pooch below my belly button. I can fix that.
So yeah, all is well and Im redy to lose the rest of this damn weight already! Nighty Night
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Thursday, July 10th, 2003
12:37PM |
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Ok, Im not hungry, I dont want food, so hurry up damn body of mine! I'm not eating until I lose 5 more lbs. I'm only 3lbs away from my long term goal, but im still fat, so im still going. This is pissing me off so much. Im sick of waiting. If my scale doesnt real 111lbs by tomarrow, im never eating again
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Thursday, July 10th, 2003
11:51AM |
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Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
10:36PM |
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DAY TWO DOWN! Yay! I'm too excited about getting through tomarrow and this fast getting easier and easier. The farther along I go, the less I want to eat, and keep going strong! Tonight was really hard for me, but I watched Americas Top Model, so that got me back on track lol. Adriane WON! omg I was so rooting for her the whole time, shes awesome.
Ok, im going to bed tonight, drivers ed tomarrow, then the mall with Kris and Kelly! Night!
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Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
06:48PM |
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This is so hard. I was craving ice cream so badly, so I decided to take my sister to the movie Finding Nemo. When we got out, my mom was supposed to pick us up, but my dad showed up instead. I havent seen him in like 2 weeks, so I was kinda shocked. He said he wanted to take us out to dinner at my favorite resteraunt, this fancy cafe thing downtown. I almost broke down and cried right there. I told him I wasnt feeling well to get out of going, and he looked heart broken. It took him 4 days to make that reservation, and I COULDNT GO! Im fasting for fucks sake! Ugh- I wish I had known he was coming so I could have planned something else with him. So he gets all sad looking and says he'll take us home. I said " dad thats not what i meant. I still want to see you, but I dont feel like eating right now... thats all." He said, " No, its ok... I'll tak eyou two home. You obviously dont want to see me right now." And that was it, I coudnt talk him out of it. He dropepd us off and drove away. I feel terrible. Absolutly worthless as a daughter. How could I do that to someone?!?! Esspecially my dad. This fasting thing is messing up al my realtionships. I feel like such a terrible person. What should I do? *sigh*
Ana, why are you doing this to me?
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Monday, July 7th, 2003
05:31PM |
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1) Last dream: My parents cut my ring finger off because they didnt want me to marry this guy...
2) Last car ride: this morning to drivers ed
3) Last kiss: a week ago. a friend of a friend. BIG mistake, his breath smelled like onion rings!
4) Last good cry: About 3 days ago. I was so pissed at my mom.
5) Last Missing Library Book: umm... i dont read many books...
6) Last movie seen: Just Married
7) Last Book Read: Girls Under Pressure
8) Last cuss word uttered: Shitzer ( shit in German- if spelled right.. haha)
9) Last beverage drank: WATER!
10) Last Food consumed: hmm.... cucumbers last night
12) Last phone call: My bud Austin
13) Last TV show watched: Taildaters
14) Last Item Bought: achedemic planner ( my fasting planner ad i call it!)
15) Last time showered: This morning
16) Last shoes worn: Roxy Flip-flops
17) Last CD played: No Doubt
18) Last downloaded: dont download, it slows my comp down way to much
19) Last annoyance: My MOM!
20) Last disappointment: weighing myself.
21) Last soda drank: diet vanilla coke
22) Last thing written: blurty of course
23) Last key used: backcpace
24) Last words spoken: "tell her I'll call her back!"
25) Last trip to the bathroom: 14 min ago exactly!
26) Last sleep: woke up @ 10
27) Last IM: Melanie, my bitch
28) Last sexual fantasy: hmmm.... last night I guess. lol.
30) Last weird encounter: ....?
31) Last Store Shopped at: Walgreens
32) Last ice cream eaten: orange sorbet
33) Last time amused: playing that fish game @ www.addictinggames.com
34) Last time wanting to die: like a year ago
35) Last time in love: last summer
36) Last time hugged: my sister like 30 min ago. i love her to death.
37) Last time scolded: oh man, like 4 min ago. I put osme candels up around the house and didnt put anything under them, so they like leaked out wax. Yeah, the mom wasnt too happy about that.
38) Last time resentful: today
39) Last chair sat in: Comp chair , right now
40) last lipstick used: cherry lip gloss
41) Last underwear worn: by red and white panties that say " bite me"
42) Last bra worn: red lace baby
43) Last shirt worn: " Kiss me- Im from California" from Holister
44) Last class attended: Drivers Ed this morning
46) Last time dancing: yesturday in my room
47) Last poster looked at: hayden C.
48) Last concert attended: Dunno
49) Last webpage visited: ProAna
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1. What time is it? 5:51pm
2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? Cora ** censored! psh i dont know you!
3. Any nicknames? Cori, Cocoa, Najo, BITCH! Wahine
4. Parents names? Charlotte and Roger
5. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? 15, if I had a cake... stupid parents...
6. Date that you regularly blow them out? Mar. 17th, ST> PATTIS DAY
7. Pets? 2 dogs - - >4 cats , 1 poodle!
8. Favorite animal? dolphin, tiger
9. Tattoo? eww, can we say trailor trash?
10. How much do you love your job or jobs? Don’t got one thank god
11. Birthplace? Ca
12. Favorite vacation spot? florida,bahamas
13. Ever been to Africa? Nope, and dont intend ever to go
14. Stolen any traffic signs? umm, didnt know people did that.
15. Ever been in a car accident? kinda, i was J walking and this guy smashed into my knee. Ok, he didnt SMASH into it, but tapped it. Hey! it scared the hell out of me!
16. Croutons or Bacon bits? Neither, gross.
17. 2-door or 4-door car? whatever...
18. Coffee? yeah!
19. Salad Dressing? umm, fat free italian
20. Favorite Number? dont have one
21. Favorite movie? oh god i hate this question, i have way too many!
22. Favorite Color? blue
23. Favorite Holiday? christmas, duh!
24. Favorite Food? peaches
25. Favorite day of the week? Friday
26. Favorite song? Stranded by Plum
27. Favorite TV Show? Surf Girls
28. Toothpaste? Aquafresh
29. Most read book? How to kill a mockingbird
30. Perfume/Cologne? anything by ralph lauren
31. Favorite scent?peach fuzz
32. Favorite thing to do to relax? lay out in the sun
33. Favorite Fast Food Place? In and Out Burger
34. When was your last hospital visit? few months ago
35. How many times did you fail your drivers license test? havent taken it yet. I will in like 3 weeks
37. What do you do most often when you are bored? Go on computer or watch t.v.
38. Furthermost place you sent this message? Huh?
39. Who sent you this survey? No-one got it from a website or someone’s blurty
40. What time is it now? 6:39 ( I took some breaks)
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