Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Sami's Blurty:

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Thursday, January 8th, 2009
10:49 am	I have been trying to make a family make peace and get along. And it isn't even my family. It's hard to be talking to both parties when one doesn't know I am talking to the other. Oh well. I am makings progress and things are getting better. My personal life is basically the same. The boy and I are doing pretty amazing and I'm happy. My home life is fine. Basically spending my time out and about at tori's games. Friend life is great. No drama. And I have some pretty amazing people who just happened to walk into my life the past couple of months. Current Mood: awake (Comment on this)
Monday, January 5th, 2009
9:57 pm	Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare, either way I don't wanna wake up. This is all a blur. A whirlwind of amazing emotions running wild in my soul. I don't know what this will be or how long this high will last. But I am having the time of my life, no questions asked. Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: Diva - Beyonce (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 3rd, 2009
11:19 pm	My heart is on cloud nine. I was ok being alone and the best thing in a long time managed to find me. <3 This is amazing. He tells me what I mean to him, what he wants in a future for us, and what he is thinking. And I love it. Everything is so open. Current Mood: loved (Comment on this)
6:47 pm	It's been a long day.... And I have been thinking about some things. Did you know it was a year ago this week we started talking? Probably not. And you probably don't care. I miss you even though you shattered everything in me. I kinda hate that I still care, but then again that's just how I am. I'll be the first to admit. I wasn't the greatest person to you. And I apologize for that. Because of you I am growing up sooner. Being a better person. I think I am doing it subconsciously so everything can go back to normal. But I know it will never be how it was. I have been doing way too much thinking about you these last few days. And well I want to call. I want to say I am sorry. But I can't handle the alternative of you forgiving me. So I look at the pictures of us and wonder if you could ever stop hating me. Or who I was. It hasn't been that long since everything blew up. But it made me take a real look in the mirror and are that even though I wasn't a horrible person, I wasn't the best person I could be. And I somewhat thank you for everything. Because I am becoming that girl who I want to be. But again I also hate that you broke me. But again breaking me made me have to look at each piece you broke and try to fix it. And that was a blessing because I learned to let go of the things that hurt and the people who let me down too many times. And through it all I love you and want the best for you. That is something that hasn't changed. Current Mood: okay Current Music: Beyonce - Broken-Hearted Girl (Comment on this)
Friday, January 2nd, 2009
12:37 pm	The New Year's went as scheduled. It was fun. I finally got to eat pasta again woo! Lol. This year my resolutions are a little different. My mother and I are joining a gym and going to start working out together. I am aiming to join the one that is open 24 hours so our schedules don't get in the way. The second. I want to learn to play the piano. So I am going to start taking lessons and learn to play by the end of the year. And finally. I am letting go of any resentment, hatred, and anger I have for anyone. I am starting with a new slate and I really just need to let go to be a better person. I may try to fix things that have been shattered in my life the past couple months but then again I may not. I am happy where I am and who I surround myself with. I have amazing friends and a great guy. I am happy and holding on to all the negativity that I have been feeling lately is just taking away from me being happy. I am living for my future not my past. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Circus - Britney Spears (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 30th, 2008
1:10 am	Today Sarah and I went to Tori's basketball game. After her game was over we decided to stay for the boys game which wasn't the next game but the next. Well in the middle of the first game after Tori's Ross showed up. Well he finally met Sarah and that was a big step. I mean you need the best friend seal of approval. Lol. It was a good night. I spent it with two of my 3 favorite people. Our arms were locked and my hand on his leg for the most of the game. We got up at the end of the university game to take his stuff outside. He put his arms around my waist a d I put mine around his shoulders. And we kissed. He kissed me on the forehead then the cheek. Then I kissed him. We just stood there kissing for a little bit his hands were going up and down my sides. I didn't want to keep going because it was at school. And I am kicking myself in the ass for not continuing but it was at school. So we stood there for a little bit and he held me. We went outside and say on the bench for a little bit. I was holding onto him and my chin rested on his back and we talked. It was great. He called me last night and we just talked about nothing for awhile. This kid makes me so happy. I have never felt like this Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Sarah pushing the damn phone buttons (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 27th, 2008
11:10 am	I'm so stupid. I can't believe I almost gave this up. He is everything I want and need. And last night and this morning I can really say without a doubt. I will fall in love with this boy. Current Mood: ecstatic (Comment on this)
4:04 am	I had a dream... I ran into you today at the game. You forgave me. But it was a little awkward. I would trade this silence for awkward any day. Current Mood: sick (Comment on this)
1:30 am	Good thing I have your mom's number still huh? Ugg well I was in a peaceful sleep and Rae woke me up asking for someone's number. So now I am wide awake. Let's see. Christmas was amazing. I went home and spent time with my family...and I have to say, yes. I miss it a lot. But I am ok. The boy situation...never better. Honestly, I don't think I have been this happy with a guy ever. It's the whole package. Mental physical and emotional, whereas before it had never been more than one of the listed. It's crazy because we haven't known each other that long. But I took the advice given to me. To go to Morgantown. Found a good guy and be happy. (I wonder if he even remembers giving me that advice. Probably not.) Anyways. Ross knows about Thomas. Not every detail but the big things. But I have a problem. Thomas doesn't know about Ross. We don't talk anymore really. Not like we did. And well, I don't know how to tell him that there is someone else. I feel bad when I don't answer his texts. But he texts me when he has the time to hook up with me. To him, I am something to pass the time. He just wants sex from me. And I thought I was okay with that but I want to be more than that. Ross doesn't want me for sex. He genuinely cares. And it was his idea to take it slow. He says he doesn't deserve me. And he doesn't know why I want to be with him. There isn't really one thing that makes me want to be with him. He is just amazing. I have honestly never been treated this well by a guy in my entire life. He makes me melt and smile and happy. And honestly. I can see myself slowly falling in love. More like stepping in love. This is the first real thing to come my way in a long time. And honestly, it couldn't have had better timing. I was going through pictures on the computer to copy on top my laptop today. And I stumbled across his picture. The picture I took when we were together last. I saved it to my jump drive along with my life from the past 2 and 1/2 years. I went downstairs to transfer everything over. I looked at all the pictures that showed all the great times throughout these past couple years and it made me sad. I looked at the faces. At the love. In those pictures. And I saw that it was really gone. And that the people in those pictures, they were gone too. His picture hit me the hardest though. Because no matter what he said to me. Or how much he has hurt me. I know I still love him. And really, I can't do anything to get that love, those people back. It's gone, dead really. I can't change it, but I can hope pray and wait for him to not hate me anymore. Current Mood: drained Current Music: Break Down Here - Julie roberts (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 25th, 2008
6:23 pm	I hate going home, simply because I hate saying goodbye to my old life all over again. Current Mood: blank Current Music: Love Remains the Same - Gavin Rosdale (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 24th, 2008
1:38 pm	I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest Or the girl who never wants to be alone I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin' 'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home Ah, the sun is blindin' I stayed up again Oh, I am findin' That's not the way I want my story to end I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain inside, you're my protection But how do I feel this good sober? I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth Please don't tell me that we had that conversation 'Cause I won't remember, save your breath' Cause what's the use? Ah, the night is callin' And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play" But I, I am fallin' And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain inside, you're like perfection But how do I feel this good sober? Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round I'm lookin' for myself, sober Comin ' down, comin' down, comin' down Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round Lookin ' for myself, sober When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad 'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had I have heard myself cry 'never again' Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh, oh I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain inside, you're like perfection But how do I feel this good sober? I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me But why do I feel this party's over? No pain inside, you're like perfection But how do I feel this good sober? Current Mood: bored Current Music: Sober - Pink (Comment on this)
Monday, December 22nd, 2008
9:25 am	I've lived my life, making all kinds of mistakes. I have trusted too easily, and lost trust because of my stupidity. I have done things I am not proud of, things that make me want to change how I do things. One of my New Year's resolutions is to be a better person. More trustworthy to someone other than my 2 best friends. I am ready to grow up and not be so childish. Not that I act like I am 2 years old. But. I am tired of the middle school crap. And i am going to be more cautious about who I pick to surround myself with, because my past judgment hasn't been the greatest. Soooo I am ready for New Year's so I can start with a clean slate. =D Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 21st, 2008
7:22 pm	Living My Life Differently... Well, I have been thinking lately. And I am going to have fun the nexi few years being a kid and living my life anticipating my future plans falling into place. I am 90% sure that I am just going to go to WVU come college time. I mean it's logical. I can get around Morgantown by myself now. I know where everything is and well I am looking at the whole apartment situation and I am pretty sure that no town has more apartments being added every year. I am looking to get something close to downtown. It will be just far enough away from home. I love my momma and my sister so I am not looking to run away from them. Lol. But I highly doubt I will stay in Morgantown for all of college, but who knows. The plan is college here for fall and spring, and Columbus to stay with Drew during the summer. We talked about that today while he was up. Since he won't come to WVU and be my roommate, I am bombarding him. That may cause an issue if I have a serious boyfriend. Hmmm didn't think about that one lol. Oh well. Anyways. I am ready for christmas to be over so I can start my hope chest. I am soooo excited. The future doesn't scare me anymore. I see that I can be on my own and start over. It was kinda hard to begin with, but now I am fine. In fact. i am happy. Yes yes I know SHOCK. Lol. But I am. I found good people, and a great guy. I am no longer wishing away the next year and a half. I am ok with it, and if it keeps going at the rate it is, I am going to love my life. Sure I don't see the two people who have my heart as much as I want. But I do see them some, and I talk to them basically everyday. And moving taught me a lesson. It taught me to rely on myself, and not other people so much. Moving had its negative effects on me, but now I am seeing that the negative effects were fewer than the positive ones. I am ready to lead my life for me now, and to be my own person. But I will always be that girl who cares too much, loves with all her heart, and trusts too easily. I choose to be naive and have faith in everyone. No matter how different they may be. Some of the most amazing people out there are different than anyone else, that's what makes them unique in such a generic society. But I am also changing some of my bad qualities. I want to be the best I can be as cliché as that sounds. I do. I want to be an amazing friend. A great daughter. And the love of someone's life. =D Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Right Here - Brandy (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 20th, 2008
10:34 pm	My Last Words for You I have never hated anyone as much as you. In fact, I haven't really hated anyone really. I may have said I hated them, but I never really meant it. But you, I meant it. You just aren't who I thought you were. I know I'm not perfect and I have made millions of mistakes. And those mistakes, I am sorry for. You will never be sorry for the mistakes you have made, you will never regret the fact that you ruined something that had nothing to do with you. But I don't hate you now, to hate someone you have to care what goes on with them, and hope it's the worse. No. I don't hate you and I don't wish the worst for you. You aren't worth any emotional feeling from me. I don't care about you. At all. I don't miss you. I don't want to make amends and fix this. I simply just don't care. Live your life making those mistakes you are known to make. Or turn your life around and find some meaning to it. Either way, this is my last release of any feelings towards you. There isn't any hate. There simply is a void. Goodbye. Current Mood: relieved Current Music: Without You - Hinder (Comment on this)
Friday, December 19th, 2008
9:48 pm	I went shopping tonight. And I saw that gift I had picked out for you a month ago. The perfect gift for you. You would have loved it. And if I were alone I would have bought it. Hoping that one day I would be able to give it to you. It's the gift I wanted to send you when I asked for your address. It was rocky then, but there was still an us there somewhere. Not anymore. But I'm ok. I think about it and it makes me sad, but then again I didn't choose this, you did. We just aren't who we used to be. It will be a year soon since you and I got close. And it is crazy how much has changed in that year. How close we got, and the distance, and how we were ok again. But now this idk. It isn't what I wanted. Nothing like I wanted. I miss it, I miss you. But I am not going to mourn a friendship that was more important to me than it ever was to you. I'm going to move on and get over it. I will see things that will make me think of you. And hear things that makes me want to pick up the phone and call, but I won't. I can't. I can't be that person that is too weak to let go of something. I used to be that girl, but not anymore. Maybe I will see you on the street, maybe I will see you somewhere. And hopefully we will be able to say hello. I don't know. Maybe one day you will forgive me, maybe one day you'll forget me. All the same, I'll always remember you and honestly, no matter how much pain you have caused me, I will always love you. It's a stupid thing to do. But I can't just not love you anymore. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Another Try - Josh Turner (Comment on this)
7:22 am	Home for the Holidays Today was always my favorite day of the school year. The Friday before Christmas break. I always have goodies made for the boys. Chocolate chip cookies, coconut meringue macaroons, sugar cookies, peanut butter cookies, and brownies.Enough for about 20 people. All homemade. And I always have my lil Christmas exchange with my loves. This year I don't have it. I don't have any of that. I miss home. But I guess it is a known fact that you miss home the most during the holidays. It kinda depressed me seeing all the different groups do their gift exchanging. I miss all of that. I miss the hours of baking for everyone. And waking up an hour early because I am so excited to give my friends their gifts, and well all that was missing this year. I do have Ross this year and he is going to be the one who gets all the cookies. And Drew will be up Sunday and him and I are having our Christmas together. Sarah will be up December 27th and staying for New Year's. So I get to see her. And I will probably see Dylan Steven Chloe and Carrie. So it won't be too boring of a break. But nonetheless I miss home. Current Mood: drained Current Music: Wonderwall - Oasis (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 18th, 2008
11:35 am	Things are simply great. Period. The kisses and hugs are priceless babe. This is amazing. Current Mood: giddy Current Music: I Miss You - The Dey (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 17th, 2008
1:46 pm	I look at the pictures I took of you. I see everyday things and it takes me back. I miss you, I miss us. Who we were and what we had. I see your smile, the one I used to put on your face. It's not there anymore. You smile at them and you smile at her, but the smile you used to have when I was with you is gone. I look at your eyes and they don't glisten so much anymore. The light I used to see in them is a faint glow. And that feeling, the feeling in my heart when you were with me, when we talked. It's gone, I can't find it anymore. It has vanished in the sea of mixed emotions. Rage, lust, love, trust. I don't know what I can do to get it back. I think it's really gone, you're really gone. And I'm not okay with that. Current Mood: blank Current Music: I'll Be There For You - Bon Jovi (Comment on this)
Monday, December 15th, 2008
7:21 am	Back to the real world. Take a dose of reality to forget about my troubles. The day with the boy and friends....gah the weekend was way too long. I would like to be sleeping though lol. =D Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: Swagger Like Us (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 14th, 2008
3:11 pm	When all else fails max out the credit cards... Well my momma has seen that I have been stressing, so we went shopping. I went to Guess and saw a purse I fell in love with, so I bought it. And American Eagle, Banana Republic, Calvin Klein, Coach, and all the stores basically. But fuck a psychiatrist, shop therapy fixes it for now. I also started my hope chest for after high school Woot Woot. =D And the boy. Well he just texted me all day and we are going on our first official date this coming weekend. Between swim meets and Christmas dinners we are going out.I told him he could plan this date and I would plan the next. So I don't know what we are doing. But I am sure it will be great. We are holding off on a relationship for now, I don't want one just yet, and he is always busy with swim so we are just dating for now, without labels. And ya know that is just what I want and need right now. He is soooo difference than any other guy I have had a thing with. He thinks I shouldn't wear make up(I told him good luck seeing me without it. Probably won't happen soon)he would rather me wear sweats than dress up and loves it when I wear my glasses for some unknown reason. But it's going great despite what is going wrong in other aspects of my life. Well I am heading home after a day of shopping. Sleep would be great. Maybe I will take a nap in the car. Current Mood: peaceful Current Music: Leave the Memories Alone - Fuel (Ironic hmmm) (Comment on this)