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[15 May 2004|10:15am] |
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Judith ~ A Perfect Circle |
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Haven't updated in a few days...my most humble apologies...though probably no one's reading the pointless dribble that is my life so...imy brief absence probably went unnoticed *lol*
Came this close to quitting my job yesterday *holds thumb and first finger together so that there's barely any space between them* ....so close to just telling Anni to shut her fucking cheech hole....I really really hate that bitch...
Oooh, I'm Anni, I'm a fucking supervisor....I'm always right, you're always wrong...you don't know how to do anything in this store the proper way...I'm going to watch you like a hawk while I'm on the same shift as you just to be a bitch...you better not ask me any questions about anything because if you do, I'll write you up on one of those forms that says you dont know what your doing and you should be fired....I think I'm better than you just becasue I make 22 bucks an hour and hold an ever-so prestigious supervisor position.... AT A FUCKING GARDEN CENTER!!!
...Christ, give me a break! Someone should take her down a notch or too and I'd be glad to do it.
I may have a job at a funeral home lined up *raises eyebrows*...lovely huh?...I'll get to see the slab where I'll be lying in a bout six months if things dont change...
The funny thing is when I think about it....it doesnt bother me to think that if I wanted to be, I could be dead in the blink of an eye....I don't have anymore lingering respect for this life or the people in it (aside from Dany)...
...Makes me wonder....should I make another attempt?? Its been so long since I tried last...I think that was the tenth attempt in a year....maybe less than a year. I can't keep track any more...too long I've suffered with this bullshit and too many times I've tried to end it all....
....I'm too tired to keep track.
,,,,I think I should go take my pregnancy test now.....
Cheers,
Is
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[13 May 2004|05:42pm] |
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A Song for a Broken Heart ~ A Static Lulaby |
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Hmm, I'm in another one of these indescribably wierd wierd moods...who knows if thats a good thing or a bad thing or not...where's the fun in a mood thats either black or white?
...Went to to doctor yesterday cause I felf like if I went another night without sleep I was gonna snap and go on some sort of killing spree so I actually wanted something to help me sleep. I was gonna take some more over the counter stuff but after the first two nights I took some it didnt seem to work as well....
He was pretty eager to whip out that perscription pad...I found that very aggrivating...
...Every time I say something about feeling over medicated and zombie like, the only response I get is....
"Well Isabelle, maybe if you took your meds more often the side effects would get less and less...you cant expect it to dissappear if you don't let your body get used to the chemicals."
I don't want to take my meds more frequently....I know they keep me sane....I know I feel different mentally when I take them (not just drugged but better) but I cannot stand the way I feel like I'm going through life in a fog.
Maybe I'll never take my meds again...maybe I'd be better off dead...who knows....but I can't take much more of this.
I'm down to 129...reached my goal for this week but probably ruined it by at least two pounds but the fucking enormous breakfast I had this morning....
....Once again, I fail
Cheers,
Is
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[11 May 2004|08:42pm] |
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no music...watching american idol |
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I'm sick and really tired so this is going to be short...actually...non existant....I'm not going to even bother tonight, no energy...best just to go to bed
Cheers,
Is
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[07 May 2004|08:07pm] |
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March of the Pigs ~ NIN |
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ohhhhh, what a day....what an absolutely shitty day.
I'm a fucking pig...disgusting fucking pig
Passed out at work today...went up to the managers office with him and proceeded to tell him I'd be okay if I just ate something....manager gets other manager to go to subway.....
....20 mins later....
Isabelle's stuffing her fucking face....
.....an hour later.....
Isabelle gets sent home to rest and stuffs her face some more.....
....30 minutes after she gets home....
.....Isabelle is sobbing and wretching miserably over the toilet bowl trying to empty herself completely but only able to vomit up the veggie burger she chowed down on....
I'm a fat ass fucking pig....
I deserve to gain 10 pounds as punishment for my weakness....
dear ana I'm sorry i don't have any fucking will power....
Cheers,
Is
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[04 May 2004|04:22pm] |
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The Grand Duel - Kill Bill Soundtrack |
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Oy do I have a headache...probably cause I didnt have my coffee this morning. Thankfully I have a nice huge cup of it with splenda and even low fat soy milk as a treat. Hopefully that will help my throbbing head.
I didn't do much today, I'm always rushing around trying to please everyone and have every moment of the day well spent on my days off and today I just couldn't hack it...it was time for a break I guess. It wasn't that I wanted to do a ton of stuff...I was hoping on getting my living room all cleaned up and reorganized and maybe taking a trip to the paint store to get some paint tester strip things, it was more over the fact that I was just too exhausted to do anything. I just need some sleep that's all...a good 10 or 11 hours of it straight in a row, not all broken up and choppy. Sleep's been very elusive for me over the past couple of days, not matter what I do I just cant seem to.... and it's driving me mad.
Insomnia is exactly how Edward Norton describes it in Fight Club...you're never fully awake and you're never fully asleep...it's almost as if you're zombified. Seems ironic really;
go on my meds....be a zombie.
don't go on my meds....be a zombie.
I can't win....makes a girl want to scream and claw her eyes out.
I think it's from not having Dany in my bed with me...as cliched as it sounds. I never used to be like this though, I've always liked my sex but never before have I fancied myself a raging nympho before...but obviously I'm no where near telling him he's turned me this way *lol* that would boost his ego just a little too much for my liking.
Saw Kill Bill Volume 2 on Sunday night...I enjoyed it and the end was even a little bit sad to me...I actually almost had tears until I told myself to stop it (I hate crying in theaters and I hate it when other people do too...the only movies I could absolutely not hold my tears in at were the LOTR movies...toooo tear jerking at times...powerful powerful movies). All I kept thinking about through the whole movie though was how skinny Uma Thurman and Daryl Hannah looked (Daryl Hannah kicked ass in that movie....Elle Driver was my favorite deadly viper and I dont know why) it made me remember how much further I have to go before I get to my goal.
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| Survey time...nothing else to do and this one is worthy. |
[02 May 2004|12:31pm] |
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Blood Red Summer ~ Coheed and Cambria |
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Truely, this one should be in my survey/quiz journal cause I'm so anal retentive and have to have everything just so...but it's to do with ana so I guess it's alright that its here *lol*
General
Age?: 20
Height?: 5'7
Weight?: 134.5
Lowest Weight?: 115
Highest Weight?: 150
What weight do you want to weigh?: 95
What eating disorder do you have?: bulemorexia
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: about 600-800...no more than that and if by chance I do I puke it back up.
Do you throw up your food on occasion?: yes on more than occasion
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: yes.
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: Not currently, I used to ride horses though but I kind of lost interest in that a couple years ago.
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: Yes, both for being too chubby and too skinny
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?: yes for five days in a row on some occasions
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: not often but I have in the past
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: Absolutely.
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: Yep
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: No, I just use my fingers...I have a really shallow gag reflex
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: not voluntarily
Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: yes
What part of your body would you change?: my stomach the most, then my ass, then my thighs
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: -1
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: yeah, pretty much
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: yeah, but I'm also bipolar so its easy for me to get depressed.
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: yes
Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough?: yes and no
Are you often tired/fatigued?: yes
Do you feel more energised after eating food?: yeah but the guilt counter acts that
Do you eat meat?: not red meat but sometimes fish or chicken
Do you eat your food in a certain way? ie cut it up into small pieces, etc.: I chew each bite 20 times each and I have to have an oversized plate to make it seem like I'm eating even less than I already am
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: no
Have you ever thrown up blood?: yes
Is your heart bpm above 49?: I think so, but I'm not sure...I havent been to the doc's in a long time so I wouldnt know.
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: yes I have on occasion
Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: yep...but not just the media...society as well
Do you have any other mental disorders? ie Bipolar, BDD, etc.: Bipolar
What's your favourite food to eat?: cheese or any kind of sweets
Favourite drink?: raspberry iced tea
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: soemtimes...when I see how much it hurts Dany.
Do you want to recover?: not really.
.*Eating Disorder Survey*. brought to you by BZOINK!
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| Ladies and Gentlemen...the lovley face of Bipolar Disorder. |
[02 May 2004|10:42am] |
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The Greatest Fall of All Time ~ Matchbook Romance |
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Well...did I predict the crash coming or what? This one is unbeliveable too....I dont know if I could take another one like this, I hear the meds a callin'.
I was fine when I woke up yesterday, everything was all roses. I sat and read my paper in peace and quiet with my black coffee to warm my ice cold hands. I went for the most glorious run ever through the Garden District (it was so beautiful yesterday...more so than usual)...came home and chugged bottle after bottle of water to keep from dehydrating and to fight non existant hunger pains everything was peachy keen. I don't even know what triggered this fall to be honest.
Dany took me for "lunch" again, I appeased him by eating a nectarine (which was aboslutely disgusting by the way...it tasted like nothing and it was so mealy it was a wonder I didnt gag on it.) and a bit of dressingless salad. We ate in silence...almost like either of us were afraid to talk after the other day's fiasco. He held my hand from across the table and just rested his chin in his hand as he sat there starting at me.
I know what he's thinking...I always know what he's thinking and I know he wants so desperately to say it but he knows what the reaction will be. He wants me to stop this shit for him...but how can I when I cant even stop for myself?
Kelsy wanted to do stuff last night...I just didnt have the energy and I think that pissed her off. Maybe that's what caused this fall...this feeling of lonliness and the idea that I'm nothing but a fucking bother to anyone who ever has anything to do with me.
First she wanted to go out to a concert...giving me 30 mins notice. Now, what most people realize but often forget about me is that I don't leave the house looking like shit...ever. My hair needed to be straightened (it's naturally wavy and I have it cut short right now so if I dont straighten it, its a bit too puffy for my liking) and that would take 20 mins, then I need to find something to wear...havent done laundry in a week so that limits my options to flat out nothing pretty much....and then there was make up to be done. I have huge black circles under my eyes from lack of sleep and that just doesnt look attractive. Flat out...I couldn't go and decided to do my yoga and crunches/pushups/lunges ect. for the night.
3 reps of 50 crunches...40 pushups, and 3 reps of 20 lunges later...Kesly calls again.
This time she wants me to come and get alcohol with her...she says she won't be able to carry it all out of the store and her little sister wants her to buy it for her.
First of all...how fucking retarded is it to buy alcohol for minors? I don't care about the minors drinking or whatever...but it just seems lame to me and I dont know why.
Again I tell her I look like shit, am exhausted and can't leave the house. She says "Fine! I'll just have to call Alison then."
Like thats something I should give a fuck about. If she wants to call another friend to help her...why should I care?? Is it not alright that I don't want to go out sometimes?? Is it not alright that I have a whole bunch of shit inside my head that I'm dealing with right now and that going to a concert or to a fucking liquor store doesnt sound that appealing to me? Christ...sorry for being so troublesome then. I won't be a bother any more if you just stop calling and hanging with me then. See if I care...I dont need anyone anyways.
Fuck, I dont think I should be listening to emo today...its all just enhansing this dreadfully low of lows.
Cheers,
Is
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| Oyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy *sighs* |
[29 Apr 2004|10:06pm] |
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no music...watching ER |
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Long day; long long long long day, coincidentally in which the drama makes a come back.
I finally fell asleep at 4 am this morning, only having to get up again at 7 in order to take Lyssa to the airport by 8:45. Oh the joy of early morning driving when you can barely keep your eyes open and have brief catastrophic visions of swerving off of the road and running full speed into a median guard or a light post...the funny thing is that when you have these brief little visions, you think of how much of a blessing it would be to just be instantly killed in some horrific car accident, but no...nothing happens, everything goes as planned and you are trapped in a cramped little car with someone who has been extatically awaiting their little rendezvous that they're flying off too for a week and a half. Lyssa said she didnt sleep all night last night...you'd never guess it though, any more energy from her and I would have needed restraints to keep her from jumping out of the window. Needless to say, it was not a pleasant car ride; there is few things I find annoying more than perky morning people...dreadfully dreadfully annoying @_@. Ride home was uneventful though...thankfully.
The little red light on my answering machine was so proudly beaming at me when I walked through the door when I got home
Dany called me before he left for work (I guess he forgot I was driving Lyssa to the airport). It would seem this little rough spot in our "relationship" (if you could even call it that) was not going to go unnoticed or undiscussed. Why How is it I've gotten myself involved with the single remaining man on the face of the earth that likes to talk about things and emotions? Why cant he just learn to bottle stuff up deep down inside until he gets seething ulcers like I do. He knows I have issues, and plenty of them and still, anytime we have one of our little "talks" he drags shit up, it never fails. Half the time most of the time all it does is send me flying from his apartment at light speed to get back home so I can purge or run my reliable old razor blades over my wrists...the only two things that truely make me feel better after conflicts with Dany. Why doesnt he get the fact that he can't just barrade me with questions that he knows I'm sensitive as all fuck about? Why is it that he has to "save" me as if I wan't to be saved? Why cant he just leave well enough alone and let me do whatever the fuck it is to feel good about myself??
Things I am tired of hearing from Dany's mouth
1. "I love you and it scares me to see you do this to yourself" (I love you too but you have to realize that I need to do this for me...with out it you are all I have and that scares the living shit out of me.
2. "Aren't you happy here with me?" (For the first time in my life I am happy...why can't you see that? I can't help it if my mental disorders get the best of me sometimes...I can't help it .)
3. "What you see in the mirror is something so different than what everyone else sees it's hard to comprehend. You're not fat and even if you were I would still love you for what's inside. I don't need you to be bone thin." Christ, give me a break on this one, I am fat...I want to be bone thin...and if what's inside is so important, then why do you flaunt me around to all your friends like I'm some piece of cheap meat? Why do you sneek glances at other girls when you think I'm not looking? Why do you make little comments about chicks in movies and how hot they are all the time? Why don't you realize that you're contradicting yourself at every attempt you make to try and make me feel better?)
4. "You're killing yourself." (everyone's gotta die sometime)
5. "Where do you see us in 5 years?" (please dont ask me that)
#'s 1, 3, and 5 on that list he asked me today when we went to our late lunch (he ate, I politely sipped on a diet pepsi like a good girl so as to not be unsociable) I didnt even have time to answer one before he peppered me with the next. The last time I checked, that wasn't considered talking things out...it's considered an intervention of sorts and it totally threw me for a loop.
Basically while I stared at the table outside the Lamplighter Cafe, swirling my straw in my drink and poking at my sandwich that he ordered for me, Dany decided it was time to bring on another crying fit from me. He asked me again and again why I was doing this to myself, couldnt I see this was hurting him too, didnt I see anything worth fighting for within myself...ect. ect. All that did was reduce me to a bawling weepy mess, in front of seven other people...what fun.He took me in his arms and apologised once he saw how upset he was making me but he felt that everything needed to be out in the air (it always does...I dont think he realizes how many times he's given me that same line). I told him to fuck himself through my tears, though I didnt really mean it. I miss being wrapped in his arms like that (though it;s only been 4 days since I have) I miss having him touch me and hold me, and how safe I feel when he does. I miss how he makes me feel pretty. I miss everything and at the same time, I dont know if he could stand sleeping with me right now...We have problems, and if they dont get fixed this "relationship is doomed" All I want is him to understand...thats all he keeps telling me. I know he's right, everything is so fucked and sex would only cloud things over right now. It has to be this way for now I guess...it only makes me more insecure though, now I'm going to have it in my head that hes shafting someone else and this is all just a way to phase me out of his life.
It would serve me right
Cheers,
Is
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| Bored Bored Bored...and soooooooooooo tired. |
[28 Apr 2004|09:25pm] |
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Dancing With Myself ~ Billy Idol |
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Well, it's been a pretty eventless day...thankfully no drama; no screaming matches over the phone or in person, no tears streaming down cheeks, no lying in the dark listening to depressing music...nada! But on the other hand, there was no laughing fits, shopping trips, manicures, pedicures, mid afternoon drives just for no reason....ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllch!! I did almost pass out at work though so I guess that was the highlight of the day. It was really weird too, usually I feel that kind of thing coming on cause it has happened in the past but today I was just helping someone to their car with their plants and I took a couple steps off the curb, felt the world slur around me and started seeing stars before everything started to fade into like a navy shade of blue...interesting. The customer was all freaked out too, she kept asking me if I was okay and if I needed her to go back in the store and get help...I told her I was pregnant and that I;d be okay in a few minutes just to get her off my case...I'm obviously very unpregnant but she was just being really annoying. I'm such a lil devil ^_^ *lol*
I'm sort of avoiding the boyfriend today...and yesterday, and the day before for that matter. It's a complicated mess now, and a long story I may get into in another post cause it's going to take a lot of effort for me to type it up without tearing up and sobbing and all that mess...plus, I'm really sore and tired and I'm kicking it on off to bed in a few minutes cause I have to be up relativly early to drive Alyssa to the airport 0_o There goes my plan of sleeping till like 3 pm on my only day off that I wasn't supposed to do anything. *Grumbles* stupid boyfriend's sister...if I didnt like her so much as a friend everything would be all dandy and I wouldnt feel bad about flaking but I do like her as a friend and I know she'd drive me if I was in need so god damn it! I will be a responsible friend :P
I'm realizing tonight that I;m really manic...hmmm, could this mean it may be time to go back on the meds...cause you know from where I'm standing up here, I can see the downfall coming real quick and it's going to be a doozy. I hate being defined by a pill though...it sucks shit....makes me feel like another nameless faceless overmedicated child of the 20th century...soon we'll all be zombies and we won't even know it. I wonder what they did for bipolar people in the 17th century...not that they knew what bipolar was but still...they probably locked em away in a 4 by 4 cell in the pitch black until they went totally loco...fun stuff.
Anyways, bed is calling me.
Cheers,
Is
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