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Friday, November 27th, 2009
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2:42 pm
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But i am different.
And i don't understand exactly how.
And i don't understand just why.
All i know is i love how it feels.
And i know i'm going to lose it,
just like i've lost everything important in my life.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 26th, 2009
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6:54 pm
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9:15 am
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C'est la vie. It is life. Her life.
I suppose i myself am something of a self-saboteur, in a constant search for "more."
Do you think there's really such a thing as "enough"?
The rhetoric draws a heartfelt sigh.
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 24th, 2009
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4:53 pm
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Most people hate to vomit.
Can't stand the protest of an upset stomach,
the heave of bile and undigested food, the carve of acid in the esophagus.
Okay, i don't like that part much either myself.
But i do like the cool of porcelain on my face, the solid of tile beneath my butt.
Most of all, i like my belly emptied, even temporarily, of food.
Of food.
Of pain.
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| Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
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11:03 am
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I know they say marijuana isn't addictivve, not like speed or heroin,
which claw into you and won't let go.
Pot is more of a sweet talker, and
i'm all over that sexy voice.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 21st, 2009
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12:41 pm
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People really have to stop calling me "beautiful" and other bullshit
because
i really
am
not.
Clearly, you do not know me well enough
because then
you definetly would not be saying
"beautiful"
Although, i do know
a few particular characters
are only saying it to try
and get into my pants,
into my bed.
That stuff though
doesn't really work on me.
Doesn't impress me.
Fuck off.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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11:17 am
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Life has gotten better - or at least more bearable since i was introduced to my good friend mary jane.
You couldn't have a more decent friend.
I love everything about it.
I love the way the thick smoke tastes, curling across my tongue and snaking down my throat.
I love holding it in - coughing it out.
I love the head rushes and the creeping warmth that follows.
And i love the distant place it takes me to.
Everything feels right there.
Mellow. Easy. Stress free.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, November 20th, 2009
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10:25 pm
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Unable to breathe,
unable to swim,
unable to stop begging me to open my arms,
"let me stay,
and please, please love them the way she used to.
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(comment on this)
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10:23 pm
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I met up with Will today (school social worker)
not much happened really.
All he said was that i probably have a mood disorder and to not be scared of talking to him because he isn't keen on hospitalizing people so i won't end up there unless it's absolutely necessary.
I like Will, i can talk to him.
Blue eyes, average size, a small gap in his two front teeth, his hair is slowly graying.
Friendly smile.
Comfortable.
Sense of humour.
Relateable.
Very intelligent.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 19th, 2009
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4:20 pm
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I need you next to me,
i need you to hold my hand,
I need you not to let go of it,
I need you not to get scared when i tell you,
i need you not to look off in shock or horror,
i need you not to cringe,
i need you not to tear up,
i need you not to cry,
i need you to stay there,
i need you to hold on tighter,
i need you.
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
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7:50 pm
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Nevermind,
i remember now ,
thanks to last night as to why
i love razorblades, drugs, and toothbrushes so much.
But still, i am not completely satisfied with cutting, smoking, and purging.
It still does not give me the relief i need but it is close.
It is the closest thing i've encountered thus far.
Trying to erase and kill this thing on the inside that screams for release every occasion it gets.
He's ugly and dark, he screams in my head, and he plants the seeds for all these terrible thoughts that sprout within me.
He eats at me like a cancer and it seems that it doesn't matter how much effort i put into trying to rid of him, he always sticks near by because as twisted and fucked up as he is, he is comforting, luring and he knows it.
I am never alone.
He is the one i run to, he is the one that embraces me when i need it most.
I have to stop curling up with him in bed, i have to say no because if i don't, he'll eat me alive.
What will happen if he devours me? What will happen if i let him?
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, November 16th, 2009
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9:25 pm - Eyes set to kill.
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My heart pumps this blood, rush, till my legs numb
my sweat drips down my face;
clears my vison, I battle myself
Keep my hands from my throat for this silence
i battle my self
swallow down now whole
Bitter pill unfolds
I lose my surroundings and fake that i've gianed hope
This bitter pill he swallows takes the tension
He's lost control of his hands, control of steps
somewhere he fears
was almost sure could never happen to him
When this pill is dessolved in his suffering body
He'll lay there stiff and shamfully
Guilty acts laced with fear lie the knots to be
temporarily secure
Guilty acts laced with fear lie the knots to be lost in his lies...
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(comment on this)
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9:14 pm
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| Saturday, November 14th, 2009
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11:45 pm
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I realize what i'm doing could be categorized as wrong and hurtful but it's like i don't even care anymore. I don't care about you or your feelings. I don't care if i crush you. Yes, this might make me a bit fucking cruel but i fear you are paying for how i'm feeling right now, the things going on in my head, and how i've been treated in the past. Spreading around that misery, i guess is what you would say. You probably don't deserve it but who knows? Either way, you'll learn something. I'm starting to become somewhat of a firm believer in that. Even if it doesn't work out or a situation is complete bullshit, you have something to pick up from it. You have something to learn from it. So let this be a lesson to you. I am your lesson. I really should make myself clear that i have no intention or express any want to get to know you any further and that i probably won't ever be interested in you either and let you go from my hold but i'm not done toying with you yet.
This probably makes me sound like a stuck up bitch but i promise, i am not. I am always well behaved and she's the only one that i'm really fucking around with. Or ever have fucked around with this much.
You bring out such a good, happy, positive person in me that i havn't really quite seen or lived out as. It's interesting and curious, i still want to explore it. I wish i could keep you around forever because of the person i am around you but i know i'll probably lose you too sometime. But you, you make me think things i haven't ever thought or believed in much. I don't really know if it's for better or worse just because a person can drive themself crazy overthinking things like this. I don't know if i should follow with these thoughts and encourage them or if i should be swatting them away. Maybe i'm just being fucking stupid for even thinking of it but for some reason my gut (that i do trust a lot) tells me this; things are good, things will be good a for a while longer. Things will slow and fizzle but only momentarily, only for a little while. Disconnect. A good bit later on, get to talking again and it'll still be there. I think it'll still be there and i think it'll flare up all over again but it'll be more appropriate then. That is what my intuition is telling me and i really do believe it's a good possibility. We compliment each other so nicely, for the meantime anyways.
I am questioning my drug-use. Hardly using these past days but i've been questioning it. Regretting it? No. Not at all but i'm trying to look back and see when the lines blurred for me, or when i transcended from occasional, social use to everyday personal use and i can't recall. I do not know why i did this or inflicted such things upon myself but one word does come to mind, escapism. That's all i can really say but i suppose that speaks volumes by iself there. Somewhere along the lines it changed from just having fun to a way of coping for me, getting out and away from a situation instead of clearing my plate. I'm not saying i'm addicted or anything because i'm not, it's just a choice i've been making. I've been trying to con myself into thinking it's just a way to get really "in touch" or to be "expressive" but i know it's bullshit.
I look around and everything is old and decaying. Covered in dust, hasn't been touched in ages. It's been there all along but just forgotten. It's really quite pretty though when the sun comes up and shines in through the cracks and boarded up windows and lights up this old pale blue room because in those small slivers of light lays and perhaps will always remain a small sense of hope. The lights may not have been turned on in quite some time but someone may always return home, clear it up.
I look back to who i once was and i can honestly say i don't know what to even say or think about some actions. How the fuck they even came to play? Maybe i can't or shouldn't even say "once was" because those pieces are still there, not completely rid washed away of the dirt that remains. I feel like i've caused so much of my own pain and suffering, really prolonging certain things. I find myself asking, "did i overreact?", "Have i over reacted?" And i can't really decide on a definite answer because my feelings were real at the time, so was anything following it afterwards. I could have been happier so long ago, couldn't have i? I wonder if i had met the people that are in my life at the moment now, would things have been any different? It's odd to think about because who was once been in my life i don't consider bad or negative people at all. But i do think certain characters whom i've pushed out or welcomed in have changed my outlook on things for the better.
My attitude has changed so much but then again, so has my role. There's ideas bouncing around in my head and i'm trying to see and make sense of my choices and past and to be quite honest, i'm having a lot of trouble doing so.
However, i'm afraid that this sudden surge of optimism will quickly fade away sometime soon and rather quickly as well which is why i'm a bit scared i guess to embrace it. I'm scared that i'm only able to see it with these people and when they retreat or fade out, so will that changing part of me. I don't want it to end and i don't want to have to depend on a person like that either to feel like that.
I feel like i could just keep writing and writing, but i'm going to stop at that and simply say, this is a big mix of emotion and a mix of people as well that i'm referring to.
I warn you though, this is probably only a brief moment of clarity (in some sense)
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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8:49 pm
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I told you i'd hurt you.
i told you.
Don't worry my little hopeful,
i shall explain it all to you, i will console you, i will reassure you, i will build you up again.
I'll make you feel wanted, valued, and beautiful - i know exactly what you want and i am willing to give it to you.
There is, however, a price to pay for those shortlived, fleeting feelings though that you so badly desire...
I will rip away that gleam of hope straight out of your big doe-like eyes and reach into your already half empty chest and pull at with whats left of that heart of yours. I'll leave and look back to see you cowering and grasping, gasping for those breathes.
I know you'll let me.
Breathe in tight baby, this is going to hurt.
Want me to hurt you just say "please."
Hurt like i do.
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(comment on this)
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12:13 pm
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.......Did you seriously just ask me to have a 3some with you and Barbeiri?
you did, you did, you did
and you were serious.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 12th, 2009
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3:06 pm - Villain
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i hate the way you look, i'm looking back
i hate the way i look, you're looking too
i think maybe i'm just falling
cause you kiss me like you know inside of me
and you watch me fight my own insanity
you think i never could have seen it all
it seems you want me just to watch me fall
your fingers and your lips are beautiful
your fingers and your lips are killing me
i hate the way you look, i'm looking back
i hate the way i look, you're looking too
i think maybe i'm just falling
i'm stronger than i've ever been
i'm stronger than before
but you kiss me like you know it all, you know it all, you know it all...
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| Monday, November 9th, 2009
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10:29 pm
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9:50 pm
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It's okay, i'll carry some of that weight that you seem to drag around everywhere.
I don't mind, it's not much. It's amazing how much it anchors you down.
Breathe a little easier now.
You deserve to.
p.s.
it's okay to be scared.
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(comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 7th, 2009
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8:42 pm - Twilight galaxy
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Did they tell you, you should grow up when you wanted to dream
Did they warn you, better shape up if you want to succeed
I don't know about you, who are they talking to?
They aren't talking to me
Did I ask you for attention when affection is what I need
Thinking sorrow is perfection
I'd wallow 'til you told me
There's no glitter in the gutter
There's no twilight galaxy
Go higher than high,
Lower than deep,
Keep doing it wrong,
I'm alright, c'mon baby
I've seen all the demons that you've got.
If you're not alright, now c'mon baby
I'll pick you up and take you where you want
Anywhere you want
Anything you want
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