| Shards |
[14 Jan 2004|12:01am] |
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Ra - Sky |
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Welp. Been depressed most of today. I'm wondering if I cracked a bit under stress. It's posable. But I can manage. I have things to live for... or do I? Well I know there's something inside me that knows. I wish It'd tell me. But it sits back cooler then my concious... Yeah... sounds a bit crazy. I'm refering to my subconsious. Or soul. One or the other. They speak to me rather... vivid like. Inclueding when I'm talking with Shay. For some reason I can focus at a 10x rate. Something that boggled me for years... just becomes... easy as cake. But these last few talk with her... something has been passing inbetween us. I feel resistance... and I dont know if it's from an outside source or not.
I can see that someone may want to stop it. I mean I do gain pretty serious power.... All my senses are enhanced... all my abilities become easy to handle... It's quite odd. LOL. Sounds like some occward anime where some guy falls in love with a girl and to protect her, or something, he gains ultimate stregth. But that's not the case... I'm not sure anyways.
Though I have been able to solve so much.... I have only been given more to solve. I have solved things... analized things... some never get a chance to think of. I finished my shard theory somehow... and it got filed in my head... now I'm working on balance... and that's going overwhelmingly fast... But when I finished the Shard Theory... I thought... some things... Where did the will to exsist come from? Why dose it still wish to exsist? Why dose it grow and evolve? What is it fighting against? Why do we have such a desire to live?
Ok for some of you you'd say not to think of such things. But it's those things I live for conciously. It's sad though when you're spirit sits in the back ground giggling at me like I was a mear child....
I sound so insane. I wonder if I can use this to get a monthly check lol. Doubt it. It is all logical thought. But it's thoughts like these that lead us to a truth that we never wished to know.
Though I have been able to solve so much.... I have only been given more to solve. I have solved things... analyzed things... some never get a chance to think of. I finished my shard theory somehow... and it got filed in my head... now I'm working on balance... and that's going overwhelmingly fast... But when I finished the Shard Theory... I thought... some things... Where did the will to exist come from? Why dose it still wish to exist? Why dose it grow and evolve? What is it fighting against? Why do we have such a desire to live?
Ok for some of you you'd say not to think of such things. But it's those things I live for consciously. It's sad though when you're spirit sits in the back ground giggling at me like I was a mere child....
I sound so insane. I wonder if I can use this to get a monthly check lol. Doubt it. It is all logical thought. But it's thoughts like these that lead us to a truth that we never wished to know.
It's interesting though how we exist and don't all at once. The benefits of a shattered universe "note I said universe not multiverse" I believe peace will come with unity though. For we where once one and because of it when we broke apart we wished to assemble our selves again.
We eat shards to grow. We drink shards to grow. We do all that to become a larger piece so in the end. We become more one with ourselves. Whether we have kids. Or whether we have a companion. We all share shards. Physical and spiritual.
OK seems I need to explain the shard theory to some out there.
Once the universe was layered. Many mirrors reflected the light of the multiverse. Each mirror was a universe. But as it would so oddly put. All things move. "Yes they do. Even if you're standing absolutely still the atomic makeup of your body is still moving" So as these layers move. Some of them bump into each other sometimes shattering. When these mirrors shatter they create space between the shards. Ok that means that they are individuals. The larger pieces become things like stars and planets and unseen deities. "POSABILITY OF DEITIES EXSIST IN MY BOOK so don't complain" I'm agnostic. I believe in the possibility of gods but I'm not sure. If I believe in anything. I believe fate is a dark shard. Now dark isn't bad. Dark shards are like Mirror shards. Without the dark shards the Mirror Shards would be nothing. There would be no light to reflect. No light to be painted upon the canvas of oblivion. There'd be no color. There'd be sense of smell or hearing. If anything our universe clashed into a dark layer and they shattered becoming one mixed up pile of mirror and chalk board "I say chalk board because it's also called a black board and you right on it "usually" with white chalk" So as these two merged they set laws of balance. Well it's natural to have balance between two even pieces of difference. With in our universe and much like the multi verse. Light can't exist without the darkness and the darkness can not exist without light to cast the shadow. Ok off subject. But darkness has always been the symbol "for me" of balance. It desires it more then anything "we commonly say it's darkness that wishes chaos" UNTRUE IN MY BOOK. THIS IS MY BOOK LET ME TELL IT HOW IT IS. *Blaze is feeling better explaining this*
But because darkness craves the balance so much. It created things like logic and things like black holes "Black holes are not bad. Nope indeedy. They, if anything, where put here to reassemble the universe" Now don't get all druidic on me and jump into the black hole. Believe me. They will do their thing soon enough. Chaos has many forms as well. Each creature is capable of creating it because we are a mixture of black and mirror shards. Thus balanced and not balanced all in one. "THREE CHEERS FOR BALANCE" Ok I sound more like the hyper-active monk.... well I do hold allot of their poses... and I don't notice it till someone points it out to me.
Chaos is probably the most evil thing there is. Chaos is brought mainly from sources of both light and dark shards. That's why black holes have so much chaos around them. But off subject a bit too far. Even the suns have dark shards in them. YEAH they are bright but who cares. Look at the sun spots. Look at the ball. Why a ball?
If it was pure light it wouldn't have a form.
But that's enough of that. Ask if you wish to know more. I am more then happy to share my knowledge.
I even got a poem for today.
"Snow Flake"
As life would lead
Far away
Far beneath our minds
Like snow flakes
They glisten
But coldly would they play
Play in the open sky
So high in the sky
They'd fly
Eventually reaching
The ground
Crying their tears without a sound
Puddles of their blood
Flown between the cracks
And sidewalk crevices
Flown between the parts of our mind
They'd cry
Soundless tears
Unheard they'd die
Die inside
Die in mind
No huggles anymore. I really dont like giving them out. But I will give Shay one *Hugs Shay* If any of you want a hug other then her. Just ask. It makes me feel better when I'm asked to.
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| *Three Cheers for Balance* |
[07 Jan 2004|09:17pm] |
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Scott Dolph & Sana - Beyond The Bounds (Full Version) |
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Good day bad day.
YAY FOR THEM. I mean really I love the balance. Beleive me. I am one for balance. And know I'm nothing like the Hammers. *chuckles at bringin the name up* Their are suposedly a group that controls nations by infaltrating agents as ministers and presisdents and such. They are suposed to have a tattoo of a hammer located... "god I forget where... I think it's on their upper arm" But they where founded in the early ages. Located in the scandinavian countries like Austria and Germany and them as the orgin countries. BUT enough history. They if anything are my enemy. They control the world for them selves. I control the world around me so others can get along or actully do the right thing.
But I was served breakfast today by my housemate "and a cool friend" Kurt. I'm probably in a good mood because of that. *THREE CHEERS FOR BREAKFAST* Eggs, Wheat Toast, And Backon.... with misc stuff in the eggs.... like onions and ham... and things... so it was like a scrabled omlet. It was hearty and healthy.
Bad news is... bills are getting me in my ass. I HATE BILLS> Fuck bills, SCREW BILLS. Well it's only hard because the job thing isn't going well. At this rate... I'll have to move back to Alaska. *FUCK ALASKA* I love the people there.... But I'm not to fond of the energies there.... Not enough freedom. *Yells like brave heart* "FREEDOM!!!"
It's full of energy in the summer... but so dead... in the winter.... So dead... it make me hurt... the lack of energy kills me... It's based on extreams I cant deal with. Even though I slightly adapted to extreams and have been raised in them all my life... I just dont wish to deal with Alaska. I need to get a job soon though. I'll work on it. I just need motivation... I lack it... I honestly dont have much to work for.... yeah pay bills. Yeah get food. But I'm better when providing for someon else.... It's quite a bit more for me to care for someone else then to care for my self...
GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO MY ENERGY. MY CHEERINESS. My giddy attitude. Soemhow it got drained out my ass crack "not littereally... that's not an image I wished to give you all"
But I seem to be regaining it. I think my energy got deverted to my brain. You know psycic abilities... logic drives... processing power for artistic skills.
I miss Shay though *frowns* I have a feeling she's sick. I sent her a get well e-card yesterday. I hope she gets better.
That's it really for the news... WAIT!!!
I spent 2 days out in Panama "the town in New York not panama the contry" With my friend Benn. I kinda enjoyed it. Made dinnir for his family on sunday. I thought I did a good job on it. I woder If I can do it again. Sad thing though was I was light headed and periodical on the head ache department while I was there and Benn was sick.
I also celebrated my first New Years "Yes 18 years without one celebration of the new years" Me and my family wheren't much into new years. It was just another year to live that's all. "DONT THINK THAT DEPRESSING" Also got me a decent Magic the Gathering deck together... And lost 20 dollars in Panama meaning I cant wash clothes till I get some cash. Also spent 3 days programing and configureing a Play Station ONE Emulator.... Now I need to work on the PS2 Emulator... -_- oh the horror. Now that's the end of the news. Besides some pointless things. "Wait it's pointless anyways if I'm telling about my life so I guess dont matter much if I did ramble a bit mroe"
*Huggles to People all over the world..... maybe not the world.... maybe... just my friends... and people I hold close in my heart*
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[26 Dec 2003|01:41pm] |
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Shiro Hamaguchi & Seiji Honda - Cosmo Canyon |
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Welp Christmas for me was ONCE again spent alone.
THREE CHEERS FOR BLAZE. Yes I enjoyed being alone "for the 5th day" I know That once I start moving forward I wont get much time alone. So this Christmas Chris Cringle gave me my Blaze time.
Just me, My computer, My computers problems, And the people on the other side of their instant messangers.
Though there are variations of loneliness. And that type I had was the good type. There are bad types. YES Bad. Things can be very bad. BUT off subject. Like... hmm... Having no friends.... or no family can be bad. Sadly I have no real family. I got blood relatives. But only really got my sis. I HAVE NOT ACKNOWLEDGED MY BROTHER BEING MY BROTHER. Till he realizes he did wrong. I will not forgive him. So =P
I have aunts and half brothers I never talk to and some non blood family. BUT HEY I never see them or really talk to them =( So I'm a bit lonely in that department. Probably why I'm trying to get a girl to settle down with me. *glomps Tabi* Would have loved it if it was her. Love her tons. BUT somethings where never ment to be *DAMN YOU FATE!!! GIVE ME WHAT I WANT OR I'LL MAKE YOU GROW A PAIR OF BALLS AND KICK THEM AS WELL!!!* Lol. Yes I can be very selfish. BUT EVERY HUMAN is selfish to some degree. Sometimes it isn't seen though because of the type.
As for Tabi. She seems happy in her new relationship. GOOD LUCK TABI AND DAVID. I finally trust David enough with Tabi. I see the reasons for things in the future "I'll keep the future canned so I dont spoil the movie" Future is happy and bright and lucky for the two. But poor David may go through loads of emotional problems. "Dude if I get you to read this know I'm here for you. Of course most likely Tabi will be there for you as well... and your friends will be there for you and your family.... and so many people" You're a lucky man. Got Tabi. Family. Friends. Self employed. Money. Getting a house. And loads of time and space to flex to what world lays ahead of you.
BUT I analized MANY things. YEP Filed my thoughts. Filed my energies. I'm once again at peace and all that pent up power inside me is now making me hyper. YAY FOR POWER. mmmm MOTTO! MOTTO!!! "More! MORE!!!" *dose giggle*
Yep I see a bright future for even me. Though could use some inproovement. I see it there.
Welp here's my newest poem "Used for AIM's Idle message"
"Away"
Away I am
Away I've gone
Far away
Far from everyone
Away I seek
Darkness my shelter
Away from torment
Away from You
Simple poem but I love it so much.
*Huggles to peoples* May the shards of good will and fortune share their power with you. :D
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| YATTA, I'm free |
[23 Dec 2003|11:25pm] |
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Linkin Park - Faint |
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Welp peoples. Another post. Not like many people actully read it... BUT. I have regained my energy. I have reached balance.
My strings have been let go so my energy is returning to stable level so I'm not nearly as moody. *smiles*
I met a person quite simular to me. I dont feel alone now. She helped stabalize my energy. Somehow she is quite tapped into my energy... and worries about me.... Kinda makes me... hmm... a mixture of feelings.
But she is a special person to me. But I dont know where to put her in my mind... She's definately someone I love in a way. But she dosen't fit in any normal spot. Not Family. Not Friend... Lover she fits into to easy. So she's kinda... My other half... Kin... If that makes any sense.
But I got three days of lazy rest. GOD I FEEL GOOD. Should make me a cup of green tea soon. Tea is good. Mmm.
Had food but I want more. Also need to work out. After that thing with Tabi I lost weight I couldn't afford. Yes I'm a worry wort. And most likely I was forming an Aulser during that time. But because I took things a few notches back my stomach stopped acting up. SO it seems pretty healed. But I dont want to pus the stress on it.
NEXT I've been happy as of late. Not many people around. Not many people to bug. Not many people to bug me. I feel at peace because of it.
Been doing my art. Did some poetry writing but I used it for my AIM away messages. Sleep and Shower. lol now I need one for Games and on Walk about.
I got some worries none the less. Jobs. Yeah they are evil. I dont want it to interfere with my friends either. I want to be able to spend time talking with Shay and be able to hang out with Benn. I want to be around when Leana calls "but these are flexable things except for Shay only being on during the day because of her work" Shay is an online friend and the one I mentioned earlier in this entry.
But really isn't that big of a deal so I'm not stressing over it.
Hmm...
Ok poem time. I dont think I put this one up.
A Flickering Flame
Lost to time
For it was no longer warm
A Blaze it was
In those cold dark days
But the flame was left to die
Mistreated by those
Who was warmed to their souls
The flame which was once raging
Is now small
Hope it dosen't realize it's no longer ablaze
For it may
Someday
Be free
Free from that wall
That somehow strong wall
Covering the lands
With its burning hands
Death in its wake
As it tries to take
That soul that stole from it
~Huggles to peoples~
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[21 Dec 2003|01:53pm] |
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Papa Roach - Last Resort |
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My computer has been set up. It is fully operational.
That's only a side note. The main news is something I'm cotimplating. I was offered to go back to Alaska. I'm leaving this decision on Tabi. I dont wish to burden her with something like that though. But she is the reason I came here. I came here so I could build a life with her. I love her still even after what she had done. Technically it isn't that bad. I've been through worse... Some may say that I shouldn't be used to such things. But they are a common event in my life. Things like betrayal, cruelty, misfortune, inconsiderance, loniness, and lack of acknowledgement are something my life has always been consumed with. I lack the memories of the better parts of life people think I have had.
At times I wish things would change. But my hardly incorrect predictions say I will continue to be bombarded with such things. The amazing thing was "and I took it for granted" was that Tabi changed the future I saw. I still feel drawn to her but I'm not sure what she thinks about me. I seem to have been put on a brighter but darker light in her eyes. I wish I would been see as I really am... not as a monster. Maybe I am a monster to some people. But that may be because I'm different. I've never met anyone like me. Well not entirely true. I have met someone in Missouri. She seems to understand me and seems so alike me. But not the person I've been looking for all my life. Plus she breaks my age barrier by being 10 years older then me.
But I have been offered a place back in Alaska. I was offered it because I told the Mistress that me and Tabi broke up. She just wants to protect me from the pain. But sadly as all have in the past that tried to stop it... Will be consumed by it. Sorry to my past. Sorry to my future and screw my pressent. I try to help out that around me.... only to be thrown deeper into the shadows in which I was never meant.
"Born of light, cast to the darkness where he must forever suffer for the sake of humanity and their sinful ways"
That's my curse. Loneliness... and to watch as all that I love dies or withers away to nothingness.
*Nothing is invicable"
"for everythings dieing inside"
"Even imortals are dieing"
"Dieing ever-more"
"Inside we die..."
"Invincable die"
"For they're dieing inside"
"And cry outside"
*Repeat*
Part of a song I've been singing to myself. "Yes a song I wrote"
I'm glad I put the song here. I feel releived... but I got a poem I wrote 3 days after Tabi broke up with me. I hope one day I forget about Tabi's betrayal. She only did it so she could be happy. And I hope she is. For to see her smile brings me warmth in this cold world.
Here's my poem.
~Dieing~
Dieing
Falling
Far into
The deapeast fear
Clawing
Bleeding
Through heartlss despare
Pounding
Seeping
Within my heart
Death and decay
Ravange that heart
Lifeless forms
Through my slow deathly pace
I cling ong things
I never
Wished erased
I cry my tears
With memories within
And I can do nothing but die.
Thank you all for being patient with me. Thank you all for listening to me. Thank you all for trying to be here for me. But I dont wish any of you to be dragged down in my pain. And sorry if you are.
I'd give you all hugs... but they'd be meaningless... Maybe another day... A day when my fate changes again.
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| Mmm Mmm Good |
[15 Dec 2003|10:43pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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"Sounds of Quiet People" By Reed Library |
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I wrote this some time before but I never expected to feel the same way again. But it looks like fate locks humans ina vicious cycle and we see and feel things we have felt thousands of times before. "Why?" one must ask. Why would this occur? Why do we also seek to break the cycle with changes in our lives and our constant need to be around and latch onto other humans in an embrace against loneliness? Why do we fear loneliness? is it some sort of darkness? And if so what's so bad about this darkness? is it the idea we lack knowledge of that we seek and because so we fear that it may change as we wait patiently in that warm dakrness unable to see the things we wish? I ask these questions though no full answer has come to my avail. But humans need each other. That I have come to a conclusion on. Though at times I feel as though I dont have anyone. Or everyone is against me.
Myabe they are against me. That may be why I seek the darkness so often these days. The solotude and loneliness which I've feared for so long. I still fear it but at times it feels more comfortable then dealing with betrayal or confrontations which my life has so longly been bombarded with. Read this poem and know that I feel that way again.
"Alone in the Darkness"
A frozen tear
A fading memory
A broken heart
Left me with a broken mind
Almost like a disease it spreads
Thoughts come tumbling into my head
Memories come toppling down upon me
As the glass of my mind falls
Almost hard now to find the light
The dim truth I held inside
I feel blind in this mist of confusion
And that voice inside tries so hard to lead me
But where should I go from here
I feel alone now
And the time is passing slower
I feel left behind
Forgotten as fast as the wind passing
The blanket of darkness seems to cover me now
And all I cry for is to be wanted once again
To walk the earth with a smile
But I cant now
The fire to my light seems to have been put out
And I have been left in the darkness
Alone...
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| YAY! |
[11 Dec 2003|10:28am] |
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"Sounds of Monitors Plaguing Blaze" By Reed Library |
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Well somewhat good week. Stressing but progress in every which dirrection. Might get a job sometime after wensday, next wensday... this one has already passed. Fixed 3 computers last night. Elix's, Benn's, and mine. Gotta work on freddies today =\. But I got mine working *YAY* I have a computer now that works. Just no monitor or keyboard... But also I'll be cooking for Tabi friday. Yes I beleive this friday. This is a good step for being Tabi's friend... I hope anyways... Kinda hard to be without someone like her... but I have a something I want you all to answer.
1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I loveable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your livejournal and see what I say about you?
I have a poem I'll put on tomarrow. Please answer this.
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| Agh |
[09 Dec 2003|01:30pm] |
Welp things have been flowing as I predicted.
Sad things is I've known how when and where all this would happen.
That feeling that has driven me to do everything to maintain my stability is laughing at me.
I almost want to laugh with it because I never listened to it in the begining.
But I refined it last night. Yeah talked a bit with Leana a good friend of mine. She's definately a momma bear. She can be so blunt but it's definately for the better.
But I refined what that feeling said to me after my incodent. =\ It's laughing at me and saying. "All you can do is sit and wait for the time, but you're going to do all this while watching it all" ARG.
Yeah well I'm cursed. Always thought most my psycic abilities where curses because I have no real control over them. I see the chain of events.... I see the future... death of family and friends... agony of others... and things that torment my emotions.
God I wish I was blind to the world. But I have the curse to watch it... everything that ever pained me or made me happy is all there... and I see their uprises and down falls. And I have a bad tendancy to be unable to forget...
I seem to have my past, future, and preasent all burdened on me but no one understands. They say "just dont pay attention" but it's almost forced apon me... Some say move on... but I'm held still... I feel chained... bound... and caged... with a small hole in the wall emiting light.... but everytime I raise to see that light I'm beat down into the darkness again.
Though I may live. It wont be much of a living... but I'm almost given a choice here... which in my situation dont happen often.
Though I have a chain of things that make me happy. I analised this.
My chain of happiness needs to be a complete chain... without one the others fall and I can no longer be fully content... or happy in the least. I can take it but I cant be happy in that situation. Tabi. Though she removed herself from the link. And she was a key link. Part of my chain. Once she left I was left to scramble my peices back up... So I'm stuck... in a position that I can only accept things as they come... I cant fight with the lack of energy... "actully it feels as though my energy is funneling out somewhere... I dont let my inner energy drift much anywhere "and it is for somereason" but it's been causing unstability in it..."
But it's hard for me to fight with the lack of energy... really hard. I try to fight against my feelings for Tabi.... but that causes more anguish... I try to fight against things Tabi has done... but I cant... I try to fight for the idea just being a friend... but this leads back to me fighting my feelings for her again...
Thus... put simply. I have a hard time without her... and a hard time with her... because I can not place her back anywhere to complete the link... I get drawn in a circle... in many circles... trying to find the end spot... which way I can go... which way I am going... which path I have that is true... or what...
Though I was finally given a chance though... Fight... or accept my eternal punishment I have received up to the point I met Tabi... *sighs* Yes loneliness is a horrid thing. But if I cant fight... I'll be back to watching the agony alone... and the agony isn't the part that bugs me... it's the alone part... and I tried to tell tabi this that one night we broke up... but... I was interpeted in another way then I meant and... placed into the position I am now.
I'm sorry if this is saddening Tabi "if you even read this at all anymore" I dont feel much cared for... and the small times I do... It feels as though it's a fleeting moment... Though I wish I meant something to you still... I have exhausted my energy for today... But do what makes you happy... because at least seeing you smile... will stop my pain. Even if it's a moment.
Dont blame yourself either for my pain because I have felt it far before I met you. I'm sorry if it was to much to handle. Though it had almost given up on me... till... Well put simply... You broke my chain holding the waters back.
Thank you for the time spent together. I hope to someday be with you again. I am here when you wish me to be anything in your life. I waiting for you to place me in a spot I can be accepted. I'll be here for you because I still love you. Till then. Be happy. For me... and even Benn...
I love you.
Blaze
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| LOL |
[08 Dec 2003|09:23am] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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"Sounds of Copiers" By Reed Library |
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Welp I dont think I'll be writing in this thing. I dont like to rant. Besides I can just tell Di what's up and if Tabi ever wants to know I'll tell her.
Called Chautauqau works "note this may or may not be my last ramble here, depends on the popularity of this" And I have an apointment set up for noon wensday. YAY!!! hopefully I can get a job soon. Well momey hasn't come in but Benn, my best friend here in Fredonia, is willing to spot me some money. So if it comes in soon I can pay him off if we do it that way. =D So my computer should be running soon. I'm happy. How about all you peoples.
Job and computer = HAPPY news.
I like how collected I've been lately even with bad news that springs up out of the wood work. Well at times it does affect me but I gather my ball bearings fairly faster, but I keep such bad news to myself. I dont wish to torture the world with my jibber jabber.
Welp I dont have much to write in here so I'll leave my journal to end here.
ja ne minna san.
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| Enlightened |
[06 Dec 2003|10:53am] |
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mood |
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 mellow |
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I feel quite enlightened... Well enlightened would describe knowledge. That is something I aim for but not something I have to the fullest extent.
I have been... gathered... harmonious with what I have decided. I have a patience as well. I can not fully say what power extent it's at. Some say I'm passive. But I am. I wait for that moment on which I'm needed or called apon. Though that dose not mean I do not do things for myself. I have a clear thoughts now. Now more then I ever have.
But now more then ever. I need this patience. A vast patience with the world and with the people in it. My friends, family, and loved one.
I say loved one because I have a different way of catorgarizing people. I do not dare place love as in a catagory of friends or family for they are different loves. Children are loved ones. Girl friends are loved ones. But not your best friend or your Dad. They are close friends and close family.
Because you love something dosen't mean they give it back to the fullest extent. And why a father looking down on his child can say loved one. The child dosen't look at the father nearly the same way.
Though confusing, I explained the best I could on that beleif I have so some may understand. You may leave questions in my comments section if you have any thing you wish to know. I'll be glad to answer anything there is you wish.
Though now I am moving forward in my life. I have my worries even in a mind set like this. It's about the person I would call loved one. Me and her have not been getting to the best of terms. I understand I held animosity tward her the very first of our break up. I sometimes think over what happened regretfully. I feel as though it was entirely my fault. Though I beleived I brought this down on top myself, I dont think I had the only hand in the deck though.
I love her still. I truely do. I also feel misunderstood and unacknowledged. Though misunderstood and unaknowledged are my feelings of immaturity. I must have patience that I am or will be understood and that things wont happen in a flash like I used to want.
Though that is not my only worry. It's the only one I wish to shine a light on. The rest are my inner burden that I wish to take care of myself. If things come to push and shove. I can always ask my friends and explain into that here.
But another worry is that me an my loved one will not be able to get along in one way or another. Though I know I dont smell the best now for what I have done in the past. I wish to at least be friends with her.
I feel compeled. Not just emotionally or physically or logically tward her, tward Tabi. I feel drawn tward her in a much different way I can not explain. I feel pulled tawrd her. The same feeling told me to come in spring and the same feeling told me I was too soon. But it's also still guiding me not just to her but what seems best. I listen to it now, to some extent, for sometimes the chaos around me disrupts the mellow pound on which this feeling seems to emit from. I'm trying to make the right decision for myself. So all. Even in the most heated situations. Know that I will be ok. Thank you all for caring.
Blaze
*hugs everyone that reads this*
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| Cry of the Dying Wolf. |
[05 Dec 2003|12:17pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
accomplished |
] |
Well as all animals do when dieing. They cry out. To the moon to their loved ones. To the little squirle running from the sound. And I was dieing. And probably why my emotions where so sharp and snatching of air.
But I cried to long and need to let the wolf in me die to an extent. It dosen't have any use. Sorry wolfy you howl to loudly. I dont want my emotions confuzed because you wish to latch onto something.
Welp good day. Called up Chautauqau works. Had to leave a message though. But I gave all the info on contacting me at a further time. Got two calls today. I never get calls so I'm happy. One was saying my mother board and cpu fan came in. The other was from a friend of mine. We talked about computers and talked about jobs and talked till my phone died on me -_-, .
But I came up with a few good philosophies. One this morning. If I truely love someone. It's not about giving and receiving it's about patience. To truely love one you must have patience with their decisions and actions. Another is "dont hold so highly to something or you just might pop the top and spill the beans" and last but not least. Gotta be able to take care of ones self before you can fully be able to take the burden of others.
But I'm working on my life. I dont say screw the rest of the world. I'm on call. If there's something needed of me by anyone. "Just ask me and I'll be there for you" but I can not till a later date take a burden of others on my shoulders when I'm making a dash for myself like this. You know running with someone on your shoulders isn't fun.... well it can be... but so what. Not now. No eating on the go lol. You might choke on something.
That didn't sound right.
Welp people I end my sheraid here. Love peace in chicken grease. That way it taste good to others and like shit to the rest. =P
*HUGGLES FOr EVERYONE*
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| *smiles* |
[04 Dec 2003|08:29am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
*The sounds of Libraries* By Reed Library |
] |
I ended up discussing things last night. Welp other then Tabi. My friend Di helped me sort things out. And boy do you need to listen to women when dealing with a relationship like mine. She said alot of things that was true to what was happening. I asked her because she seemed to be experiencing things much simular to Tabi.
Ok not going into things because no one needs to flock others feelings around.
I love Tabi though. Love her to bits... I hope I haven't done so in the litteral sense.
But I found a way to think of things till I find middle earth here. "Yes though I know lots and can solve other peoples problems... but I'm either under the earth of high in the clouds" So no down to earth Blaze.
But I woke up saying fuck Tabi. I mean made me feel good I was standing against her and my feelings. Though I dont want my emotions transmuted to anger. But I just dont think Tabi's a good thing right now. I mean with my obserd memory. I remember the stupidest things. All negative by the by. I mean I keep the good ones to my self because of course. "CHERISH YOUR GOOD MEMORIES" They may not happen again but other good things may. As for the bad. I tend to brood over them... Not a good thing. Highly stressful inclueding when it feels like a war inside you. "I love Tabi. But you should hate Tabi for doing this. BUT I LOVE TABI FOR THIS REASON." and so on so forth. So understand the unstability of this thought process. I can really only say fuck Tabi because if I dont. I'll be consumed by a war. See I want to hang with her. But she says and dose things that give power to one side or another. So being with her now would only bring more unstable.... stressfull thoughts.
Though if matters presist I'm going to first check a doctor to see if I have any medical problems like hypoglycemia or anemia. And I also need to check to see about an alsure before this pain presists.
I'm feeling good enough to job search today. Not all that stressed. I think I'm actully beinging to mellow out. GOD I HOPE SO. This is stressful for me and the people around me and I feel sorry for them. Which dont help me much. Though I dont think people should even care for my problems. I'm glad some do. Glad some dont in a sense as well. Not wanting to tell the world out there my problems.
Love you Tabi and if you read this dont take it wrong. Because I want to be around you. But making it so I have to put my self in the place causes stress. ASK ME DAMN IT.
Thank Di for being right. Though I should have listened more fully to what you said. But all I can do is act on what is now.
*Huggles for peoples.*
Bye you peoples.
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| *Smiles* |
[03 Dec 2003|01:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
(The sounds of Library's ) By Reed Library |
] |
Through all this shit I see. I cant help but look optomistically. Have for a bit but I also have feelings of pain. "hasn't that been more obvious" Yeah dont feel like I'm really loved. Or the idea I feel alone most the time. But I feel something good will happen and I keep invisioning something I will not bring to the public "it's a prophecy" And like I said at an earlier time things can change. But it's something that would make me feel more secure... or... another feeling say's delighted.
But I dont know if I'll ever get back with Tabi. "not my choice though I wish it over the world" But I also have hope that I can. So I'm trying and in a way fighting. But I'm also not trying to over step things. I mean Tabi has her reasons why she didn't want to be in a relationship now and untill those reasons change or are solved "basically the same thing" There's not going to be a relationship between me and her.
I worry about her though. Maybe it's school stress. Or maybe David's presence in this matter. I still say I dont feel comfortable with David/Tabi in a relationship. MY OPINION. And I dont say it out of jealousy. If Tabi chose... Anyone... Ok maybe not Travis... I got erie vibes off him I didn't like much... Well I get vibes I dont like off David. But not dirrect vibes to me. Or around things. More like... Vibes that.... hmm.. how would I explain that. That eventually he'll overwhelm Tabi... not in a good way either. Now if she preceives it good... I'm not sure... how she may preceive it but it dont seem good to me. TABI BE SAFE PLEASE. I think I finally explained how I see things in that light. Tabi thinks I loath David. I think davids a cool guy. Just as I said about them vibes. I dont want to use a term like vibes but it's as close as I can get. But those vibes aren't something to worry about now. It's the future I'm worried about. I worry about Tabi's future. I always wanted to do the right thing for her. Not like I'm her father or controller or anything like that. Hell I'm not even her brother and if I get second handed as a brother like figure I'll be enranged. My opinion. Love Tabi. And I'm ranting about it. But there's alot of emotion suporting my love for her. It I beleive got taken as obbsession and Benn has a habit of relating the two. Sounds better how he says it but I'd back hand any other person that said it. "Well bitch and moan at them"
But enough about Tabi something about me. umm... i'll be washing clothes today... Yes blaze Stinks. Well clothes wise any ways. 4 sets of clothes. 5 boxers and unsure amout of white t-shirts "would be black but white is cheaper" but 5 shirts, 4 pants, bunches of socks, and maybe some other things. But not really 2 weeks of wearing stuff. I'm hoping to spend more time with Tabi. Because I dont want to over work Benn. "Good friend of mine" I dont know really if David wants to hang out with me because of the situation but I wouldn't mind if he did. *smiles* But then there's Tabi the only person I can be around and feel emotionally attatched. "Though I over estimated the emotional link" I mean it dosen't tell Tabi how I feel and I thought because I knew how I felt maybe the link would tell her. But all it basically did "I beleive" was tell her "something was wrong" or maybe "just maybe" something was going right. It's like... a metal detector. Not everyone is good at using them to find gold at first. You gotta learn. I hate gold though lol. But I used to mine it so I can use that anology. I expected to be found and she was stressing to find lol. I should have said how I felt so she knew where to look. lol I was almost having fun using that anology.
But Blaze needs to get job. But cant till his stress goes down or it may be fatal "it's hard to eat now... inmagine more stress... I couldn't eat at all" So things are in a cramp. I need money. I need my computer. I need a job. I need people I feel close to "and that's few and far between" I mean as friends. It's MUCH MUCH harder for me to feel close enough to someone in a relationship manner. I dont go for one night stands. Or go out for just the purpose of the relationship. I need an emotional drive for it. An emotional attatchment as well.
Welp calling it quits now.
Bye everyone till my next update
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| Ok |
[02 Dec 2003|08:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indescribable |
] |
Well I got this down to where only friends can veiw it.
I may undo that in the future.
I just dont want Tabi prowling any misc thoughts I may have. I kinda feel insecure about that. Well I dont want to say something that gets misunderstood... or has to much emotion behind it so it makes it sound much worse... or opposite of what I mean.
Not like I have any that I really would tell this.
Sorry hun if this seems wrong. "refering to Tabi.... I shouldn't be refering her to hun now"
I need my space though. Being around Tabi makes me uneasy. I dont know how to react now. Probably never will really. I always feel like I'm expected to do something but I dont know what it is when I'm around her. That is to vague. Dont listen to it.
But now Tabi dosen't really talk to me. She says "talk Blaze" but I have said so much and... in a way... maybe to much... or maybe to much to fast... but I doubt many people care about that. Tabi shows no interest in something she asked me to do. Or has interest just pushing it to the side. Or... just not showing what she's feeling about it... I'm not sure. Oh well I'll unblock it just for this time so I can show her how I feel about all this.
Well I feel as though she's neglecting her communication for me. Not to be crude but I thought that would happen. No that's not crude... that's vain. I mean predicting things... I mean even how true it may be... something like that isn't something that should be taken into consideration. I beleive in the change. I mean when deal with the future. Wether it psycic or logical events. Things can be changed. I know. I have done so. I do both all the time. Logic predictions and psycic.
But I feel the lack of "love" lol I had to say that word "because it's true in so many ways" lack of friendly love lack of family love and lack of romantic love... wow I just saw the relation between roman and romantic and the meaning of it.... ok but anyways. Romans loved fights. I dont. But for Tabi I want to fight. I guess you get a good enough girl you'll do anything "my way of saying my emotions are strong for her" of course they wont be acknowledged in close future... Or maybe not at all. I hope they do... It's going to be slow pain otherwise. I mean I am an emotional person. And a sensitive person. I mean overly sensitive that it gets me in shit that.... well sticks.
this thing I said to a friend is very true as well... it's something I noticed.
"BurazeKun: ooo.... oww.. kinda thought about that.... My curious nature is going to get me in alot of trouble with knowlege about Tabi and david... if that goes anywhere. I mean it'd be bad to know but my curious nature pushes me to know.... and when it pushes... it's usually with the same stress as when I find out it's bad"
Add-ons "so I'm screwed either way... and when someone denies me the information it's... more compulsive and pushy"
I hope things get better. I mean. It's going to be stressful just being friends with Tabi seeing I have so much emotion for her. I mean it hurts knowing what she planned with David. Well that wasn't worded right. "I'm trying to correct things because alot of what I say gets mistaken because I dont present it right" Thus the position I'm in. I mean it hurts knowing what she wanted or wants to do with him. And it's going to be death to my heart to see it. Though it's inevetable if it happens.
You know I feel like running FAR FAR away from Tabi. But I also love her so much I cant bear to part with her. And the more I love her the more I want to run away... That dont make much sense. I mean I love her imensely and the urge to stay and the urge to run are on an equal playing feild. I mean It's seriously on a scale that's sensitive. But I'm also stuborn so I can see myself staying and trying. I mean I need to try. That is something that needs to be done. I can not run any more because I have a problem. Well it's good to avoid some. But not when dealing with Tabi.
hmm... cant think of much more to write to you veiwers. I mean I can... but... I feeled compeled to go somewhere. So I'll head there and maybe I'll be satisfied.
dewa matta
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| Damn |
[01 Dec 2003|08:09am] |
Well Tabi has broken up with me... she wants to try and experiment her love for a guy named David. "Which she's been seeing kinda half there and half behind my back" But we are suposed to be just friends... Kinda seems like benifits... because she still wants... hell if I know... I cant speak for what she wants... way to complex... or maybe to simple that it excapes my mental processing.
So she's out there trying new things... though I guess I pushed her into it when I was scared... confused... and other bad feelings... because she says I pulled an emotional knife on her... well I know I must have done something of the sort... because I ended up getting marking on my arm... I kinda remember doing it... but it's actully scarry... I had no... sanity... so I dont wish to think back on the time....
THOUGH that David... I was talking to him... I owe him a punch in the nose and a tutoring leason when dealing with me in an emotional state. HE actully took advantage of things I said in order to get closer to Tabi. "I'm saying he did out of a tissy fit so it may not be as true as I say mind you." But I never like Raven or Crows... and that's his spirit type. They are scavengers. They like to take advantage of situations. Though I guess that's a survival trait so I cant dog on it to hard. Though Tabi and David... I dont aproove. Yeah of course. The jealous Ex BF sindrome most likely. But I always felt uneasy about them together. Though this all seems harsh and I shouldn't dog on David to bad. He's a good person in ways and has some qualities I find interesting AND I do consider him a friend. But you all gotta understand I also not really wanting to tollerate the rest of this heebee jeebee.
So my Thanks Giving turn to shit.... seems like I have an alsure "and at bad timing seeing this is stressfull for me" But things are back. and the relation with Tabi should go as slowly now as I first wanted it to.
Tabi dont Take offense to any of this if it is offensive. Talk to me if you have some problem with it.
*Huggles for peoples.... saving the kisses and cuddles for much later time for Tabi*
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| Loneliness Ensues Me |
[19 Nov 2003|12:20pm] |
Well been a while since I posted. I was trying to avoid the random depressional mood swings in this. I just trying to give you news not rants... though either way they're still a rant lol. What else can you use this for.
Well Thanks Giving college break is coming up. Yeah I dont get to participate in it "yet." I'm working on getting my GED information so I can see about a grant. DAMN IT FOR TAKING SO LONG *sobs*
It's hard to get even a job without it. Yeah be a bag boy... my skills go far beyond that.... If I can just get that damned thing I can go see about getting the proper training as well as get a decent job "DECENT" Well beggars cant be choosers I was once told. So I'm not going to beg. =P I'm just shearly gonna get. YES!!! Blaze is being optomistic... lets hope it dosen't get shoved up his ass in the end.
Bad news is it's been nearly 3 weeks since I last slept with Tabi. Yeah part of me says it serves me right. The other half is a bit sad. And there's a mysterious half of me "WYA WYA" 3 halfs to one whole Blaze... Blaze must be getting fat... or something to fit 3 halves =P But the mysterious half says, "suck it up soldier you're gonna get something good at the end of it." But I estimate about 2 more weeks before I can actully sleep with Tabi again "NOT SEXUAL FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DONT KNOW" Well it may be, but aim to high and you miss the target. ;) Though this Thanks Giving break "for the college students... not poor Blazie" will be pretty lonely. I'll be alone "basically" Talked to one of my house mates and he said he "may" be in and out of the house... but I got a feeling it's mainly away. So I hope I can get my computer assembled soon. YES I need a computer... It takes my worries away and alows me to focus more clearly on matters at hand. Plus I've been drawing LOADS of picture and I just want them to be CG'ed "Colored on computer, CG= Computer Graphics" Computer Graphics for you out there that dont know are just made up of polygons and pixles. Polygons are triangle shapes and when combined together can for things like spheres and boxes. Pixles are the dots of colors. I beleive a Pixle is one one hundredth of an inch. *shrugs* But I also have the need to write more on my story I'm currently into.
Also the computer is my source of contacts. "BLAZE MISSES OLD FRIENDIES!!!" and anime... but one step at a time.
Good thing about that is I dont need much to complete the computer. Tower, Mother Board, CPU Fan, Heat Sink, and a Monitor... or a TV with S-Vid suport.
Back to Tabi. Love her... but not the reason I dirrected my attention her way again. I've hardly been spending time with her. True... maybe I spend alot of time with her. But I dont think a couple hours every other day is really all that good. But I got her watching loads of anime "Curtousy of Blaze's ANIME COLLECTION" Yes Blaze has 180 gigs of anime. Always fun. Always there. IN YOUR FACE... ok my sucky version of an advertisement. But on top of not spending much time with her... she'll be gone for a week "She's one of the lucky few that get kicked out of their dorms for Thanks Giving Break" well everyone on college campus gets kicked out... But my worry dont lay much with the other people... I only spend time with one other person and that's Benn. Cool guy but drifting off topic. I'm just hoping after the break I can spend more time with her "but knowing the semester finals... that wont be happening soon... ACK another problem has arousin... if the finals are soon... then so is the... "dun dun dun" *weird musics form the lips of Blaze* mmm lips... But I have to somehow raise enough money to go up to Alaska and do christmas with my non blood related family.... DAMN IT... ok... Blaze think... Ok easy. I heard of something where you get hired for a day get payed for that day thingy... it sounds good... I can go there till I get enough money... dont have to worry much about... wait... another option.... if the options keep rolling in like this... just gotta select the best one and keep it. =D
Well I still want to spend time with Tabi... Though I may not get the chance any time soon. Kinda saddening and disturbing to me. But I gotta deal with it. The world isn't always a happy place. Though when it is. =D it's always fun.
Ja matta minna "Till later time everyone" *huggles for friends, cuddles and kisses for Hime sama" Hime sama=Tabi for those unknowest
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| Meh |
[12 Nov 2003|05:14pm] |
Well put my application in for a job today. It's for a computer store. Always a good place for me to work.
Haven't been talking or hanging around Tabi as much these days. Kinda suck. Feel lonely without her.
Also been somewhat depressive as well. Seem to be lacking energy and been experiencing mood swings from hell... depression and fits of pissyness.
Right now my mind is going slowly.
So I may nt write much. Not like many people care about that idea.
Just saying enough for the people that care out that. Which for some reason I think is slim to none.
Dont know why. Maybe it's the depressional swings I've been getting. Or maybe the lack of human contact.... Or just the idea I'm in a new place
But I'm ending this here. Just because I'm going to hang out with a friend.
Ja ne
*huggles for people Kisses and cuddles for Tabi*
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| New place |
[10 Nov 2003|12:16pm] |
Got a new place to stay. About 225 dollars a month. YAY.
Been bored lately. Reading books *gasp* been a while since I was able to read a book.
Always had to be doing something else. Playing games. Giving friends attention. Giving Tabi attention "Tabi being a more recent addition" But I think I was told basically that some space is required in a relationship. Kinda like saying, "You're giving me a little to much attention" But I guess that's true. Though other people said I should have been giving it to her. So I'm a bit confused about what's happening.
Suposed to be job hunting today. But obviously if I'm writing in this I'm not doing my job now. Have 16 dollars to my name now. -_- but getting paid the 15th. 250 dollars. That'll make things easier. If I get a job soon. I'll be able to fix my computer. That's always something good in my book.
OH yeah. My room mates are both fairly good people. I beleive both are psych majors. One's an art major... and I dont know what Nico's other major is. Or I could have misheard things and everything is upside down and backwards
Still no GED papers. So no applying for a grant for college yet. =( Also because I dont got a GED it's going to be harder for me to find a job. "not many people are understanding that around me right now though" they keep saying "onward blaze. Get your job" so I'm seeing about one now. Dought I'll get one without any General education papers of any sort. Like high school. Or GED or even other sorts of schooling.
I'm glad I got access to a shower though. That's like instant releif for me. Though I'm still full of stress.
Back hurts... then again it always hurts. Always has so I shouldn't complain about it..... ok my shoulders hurt.... got some head aches... and I'm complaining.... Yeah I guess I'm complaining but it's always good to act like an old hag. Some how it can be rather... stress releiving.
Welp now I call it an end to this entry.
I'm going to try to make a instant poem.
Poetry of the Day:
Darkful nights
As moons are bright
Sun far off
To an oblivion
Hearts at ease
With minor hurts
With minor needs
Brought forth
And warmed
From the Very core
I see
I feel
The very exsistance
Of true happiness
Hope you guys enjoyed. *Huggles to peoples, Kisses and cuddles to Tabi*
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| Newness |
[06 Nov 2003|04:29pm] |
Ok.... Been a hell of a long time since my last update.
Things have been good to me in fredonia... Though slow.... really slow.
Tabi's attention has been mainly on one of her friends... kinda feel left out at times.
Nothing major to worry about that I know of though in that area
...hmmm.... Got the name and number of a person for appartments... I hear there may not be any positions at the place though.... but told by another person there was... so me confuzzled.... I'm just going to ask.
Been hanging out with my friend Benn alot more as of late. Been fun, been playing Zelda for the game cube and Princess Maker 2 for the pc. Good games. Got my attention.
Ran out of spending money yesterday... wait I have 2 nickles.... Though I stil got 1200 dollars for finances.... Like apartment and things like that.... any left over is for food.
I'm hoping my home back where I was living gives me the 500 they said they woud. That'l help alot. I need it. Well I can live without it. But it'll help alot. Make things easier for a lazy ass like me. -_-
Fredonia has been decent. Kinda live like. Plants like grass and some fowers haven't died yet. It's been nice and warm so I haven't had a need for a coat as of yet.
Sleepingg as of late hasn't been going neary as well.... My back hurts and stressing out.... Was kept up a while last night due to arguing about somethings I didn't want to hear about.... so I didn't listen.
I've been blankly thinking about things. Blankly worrying about things. If i wrote this like 3 days ago I could say I was worried on how Tabi thought about me... But I have been reassured by the bits and peices of affection she ggives me... Though I found out that I guess I need loads of it. I mean.... if I'm trying to give someone attention or something... and I get little back.... I tend to get depressive and overly think things over... and it tends to be bad.
Well I'm not the type to go to long... though tend to do so anyways because I tend to feel misunderstood.
so Ja ne minna, no poems today either...
*huggles for the peoples and kisses and cuddles for Tabi*
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| The Grim Day |
[28 Oct 2003|11:17am] |
ok.... today sucks... got slightly lost in fredonia. But thank goodness I saw the city once. So I was able to make my way around. No GED to my hand atm... I have a friend working of grabbing it for me so I can see about aplying for a grant to go to college here "Thank my auntie for that idea"
No place to stay besides hotels and motels that I know of. I cant stay with Tabi to long in her dorm. In fact I cant stay there for 2 more days till I can sleep there another 3 nights... but I dont want to burden her with my weight all the time. So I'm trying to find a place to call my own. Well not my own if I roomie up with other peoples. But basically saying that I want somewhere comfortable. Dosen't help I'm picky.
Jobs I'm not sure about... I'm trying to get one... just a little shy on asking... kinda dont wanna screw up by asking the wrong person. So that's hard....
Plus all the jobs I wanted where on the wrong side of the road.... and the traffic was terreble..... couldn't cross the street even if I was flash.
Now because I left Tabi out of most of this me going to say I LOVE TABI. My times with her have been wonderful. So It's worth all this trouble to stay close to someone like her "but I still hate big places"
no poems today either "I so hate not posting them"
Ja matta minna. *Huggles for the peoples and Kisses for Tabi*
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