|
User Profile Friends Calendar |
 |
 |
||
|
2007.12.29 21.52 ok so this is the problem, i don't want to let go, not that i can't or maybe i can't b/c i dont want to, whatever. i dunno like or maybe its that i can let go but i don't want her to, like we both can't let go cuz then what, maybe we'll really just be done like forever, and maybe thats my problem i don't really want to be done, i'm ok if its only temporary but i don't think i'm ready to let her go like forever. hmm i mean i guess i could but thinking that it would never be i don't know if i can handle that, id rather have hope that its a maybe. and who knows if we do let go and move on or not that there still isn't the possibility. but then again if you really truly move on how can you come back? i dunno whatever, i just need to try and stop, stop resisting, i do want to be with her, i just don't think it would be good for her or what she wants to do, i think i'd end up hurt in the end anyway and why would i want to go through this again. so i guess i have to move on and hope for the best, maybe we'll meet again someday or hopefully i meet someone else who will mean as much or more. Mood:  uncomfortable
|
|||
 |
 |
||
|
|
||
|
2007.12.29 10.33 hmm I had a dream we were back together, that's never happened before, and it made me happy, we kissed and it was great, hmm shit man, now i'm a bit more confused. whatev |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2007.12.28 23.26 I've just been watching all the old videos i took of her. i'm glad i took so many, its like all i have left now, she does make me smile. watching them all i just had a huge grin on my face. I do love the kid, for sure. shes's funny. I also think i'm ok not being with her right now, or maybe ever, we'll see. I just am kind of confused as to what to remember about us, of how we really were. I'm glad she still makes me smile though, she always did. I just don't know whats real and whats fantasy like what kind of images i'm creating in my head, was it that good or am i just romanticizing it, probably a bit of both, it def was good and i was happy in it, but i don't know if i would be now. She does make smile though. Guess thats a good thing. Mood:  amused
|
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2007.12.27 14.31 ya i think i'll stop now This relationship can no longer be forced to work. Change persists despite one's preferences. The card that lands in the Love Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your relationship at this time. The Queen of Swords is in this position indicates release from what used to be a close relationship. The overall feeling is one of detachment. Certain ideas have surfaced which emphasize differences between you and your love interest. The basis for the relationship may be in question and naturally there is a change in the quality of interaction. What used to be a river of feeling between you is now a trickle -- barely enough to cling to or be sentimental about. You may need some space to be alone now. Think of it as you would a change of season. The situation or environment you are in is becoming dormant and the temperature is dropping into frosty zones. You may need to thicken your skin or put on a few more layers of emotional padding. Why allow yourself to be injured during a climactic shift? It is not really about you anyway. It may simply be about change. |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2007.12.27 14.26 and again Giving attention to what is clearly positive in your situation prepares you for future relationships. The card that lands in the Challenges position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones. With the Three of Cups in this position, you may have an opportunity to support the best part of your situation, so leave the rest alone. Shining a warm and loving light on the positive generates an atmosphere that is more likely to attract a relationship. Don't waste time and energy -- emotionally or mentally -- on the negative. Appreciate that you and those around you -- friends or potential partners -- have so much to be glad for, to capitalize upon, and to build on from your shared talents, interests, and abilities. Your role is to become an effective cheerleader so that the morale supports the potential. You may then see some wonderful and well-deserved results. You have earned or been graced with the freedom to follow your heart. Reciprocate with a sense of bliss and count your mutual blessings every day. The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time. When the Nine of Coins is in this position, it means you and a potential love interest may both be supported by resources that open the door to cultivating your special gifts. All that is required from you is to thrive and flourish. What an incredible trade-off! When the time arrives, you may want to take advantage of this to pursue your individual and separate interests, as well as develop your shared talents. Remember to stay humble. As you remain receptive to the benefits, always make sure you give fair value in return. There is no reason your admiration for one another ever has to dim, as long as you are able to appreciate how good you have it every day. A fountain of abundance nourishes your life, preparing you for your next relationship. The card in the Love & Me position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself with regard to possible intimacy in your life. When the Ace of Cups is in this position, you may be realizing abundance, emotional security, bonding, comfort, self-love, romantic love or a love for the world. This card signifies a fountain of nurturing and support that we have inside our hearts. Those who are mystically inclined may think of it as coming from God or a Higher Self. Others may see it as springing forth from those around us. In any case, it's an unfailing source of comfort, support and optimism that portrays the world as good and beautiful. This sense of emotional abudance and well-being enables you to contemplate future emotional bonds. This fountain of love pours over everything in your life. |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2007.12.26 21.41 hmm interesting Although a fond look at the past is pleasing and refreshing, your fulfillment lies in the future. The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now. The Six of Cups symbolizes nostalgia and its power, illustrating two sides of your nature. When you look back at the past, your emotions soften; you feel tender, open and sentimental. When you look to the future, you know your will must harden; you need to be more powerful, directing the flow rather than following. In the past, you were younger and lighter. Issues were also less complex and confusing. You were not empowered in the way you are now, however. The present is full of fresh potential while the past is two-dimensional, a snapshot of times gone by. It's fine to enjoy nostalgia and sentimentality, but when you have finished refreshing yourself in the waters of memory, come back to the present with energy for the future, where your scope is so much broader. When using your power to please, be careful about boundaries. The card that lands in the Challenges/Opportunities position refers to ways that you can turn obstacles into stepping stones. The Empress in this position challenges you to avoid using seduction as a way of achieving harmony or agreement. The Empress makes better use of the drawing power of attraction. Because of her regal attractiveness, everyone likes her and feels comfortable with her. She can pretty much get what she wants. You now have an opportunity to influence others through sheer personal magnetism. There's no need to overstep boundaries or promise more than you truly want to deliver. Be as caring as you can be without getting swept up in the emotional dramas of others. The card that lands in the Situation position refers to social or circumstantial factors which could be affecting your life at this time. The Queen of Cups in this position points to an emotional relationship, one that could be challenging to come to terms with. You may need to develop more clarity about what is going on and what needs to be done next. At the same time, as the Queen of Cups in you exercises the heart qualities of kindness and empathy, be sure to take care of yourself by stating your wants and needs directly. Emotional integrity, a hallmark of the Queen of Cups, demands this. Maintain clear boundaries and speak your mind as well as your heart. The Queen of Cups is beautiful energy. Still, she can be easily hurt if she's not careful. Try to handle everyone kindly and gently, including yourself. |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2007.12.26 11.47 Geez I feel like i'm still high or something, i called out of work cuz i didn't feel like going and i woke up still feeling a bit high. I went back to sleep for a couple hours and had crazy dreams, like dreams within dreams within dreams it was cool though, i don't feel like really weird but just weird enough, its good i like it. and last night was a blast brian and i went to brandons and we smoked and hung out in his house/room, it was tons of fun. Just a great time, great christmas. |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2007.12.24 01.14 well i guess thats goodbye, i have to. Unless she pulls me back, which is totally cool, but she won't. I saw brian tonight and I was so happy, i don't even know why, i feel like he is home to me, i mean in a way i just love brian but yeah i mean i have to move on. there is no other choice, i think i've made myself pretty clear and shes not telling me to come back so i have to move on, and we'll see what the future holds, maybe shes not it. maybe theres someone else. I guess we'll see. she will always be a fond memory though. i learned alot with her. i learned what it means and what it takes to love, it really is a choice not a feeling although they are obviously involved. And i would chose to love her still if she asked me to but i don't think she will and so be it. We'll see what life has in store, could be fun and if we run into each other down the road, great, as just friends or something more. we'll see, i'm ok i guess, just letting it ride. i am still so up and down with it all but the stages don't last as long, i guess i'm working through it. with her i saw just how emotional i can be, and like real emotions not just melodrama. the way i felt for her is diff than anyone else, it was real it wasn't a crush or lust or any of that. i think that it was love and maybe not the end all be all but in some shape or form a very real and true love, and i'm happy about that, i'm glad at 22 that i at least kind of know what it looks like now, i have an idea of how things should be and how i should feel and i guess i'll go with that. i dunno, i guess we just both need a bit more experience to see what we were really, i mean we have no comparison, maybe once we get some we'll have a diff idea about us. |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2007.12.23 10.10 like i mean what is this, why is it so upsetting for me? is it just cuz it's my first i mean will there really be others and better ones. i mean i kind of just want her, but am i just being stubborn, ugh i hate this, i don't like this relationship shit. i dunno i just i just wish we could work it between us, i just yeah id rather fix what i had then try to start again with someone new. fuckin a i don't really have a choice though, i mean shes not going to be ready anytime soon and who knows if we'd even work again or if she even wants to. and i don't want to wait around forever, i guess i'm going to have to start dating other people, i hate that, i hate that she will too. i really yeah just don't like this at all. i could almost cry right now. |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2007.12.23 09.51 I'm so depressed and i hate it. I woke up this morning and i guess i woke a bit happy then I guess I just kind of crashed. Like I feel like my life sucks right now, I don't like have a life. I mean i do but it's not the one I want. I'm living at home which blows and working a shit job, I have friends in town but i don't really care. I mean sometimes I'm ok and sometimes i'm happy and kind of enjoying myself but yeah i'm just like depressed today and I hate it, I really really hate this. I'm like back to where I was two years ago and I don't even really know why. I mean i'm sure its the breakup but i still don't understand how that has like now wrecked my life. Its just like now i don't know what I want. I want to be in a relationship, i really don't want to be single and I kind of hate that but i don't. But i don't want to be with just anyone and I want it to be a really good relationship, and I kinda want it to be jess. I really don't want anyone else, i don't know why i mean i guess it could be kind of fun and maybe i'm just being stupid but sometimes I just kind of want to just be with her. Like done shes it. I use to think I wanted to spend the rest of my lie with her, which is probably and insane thought for my first and sort of short relationship but hey, maybe i'll live and learn. I just don't really want to let it go, although I sort of have, I have kind of forgotten, about how we were and how I felt. It kinda sucks i mean its kinda good cuz i needed to but it does suck, like it's gone, its not there anymore and i wish it was, i wish we could go back to the way it was over summer. I just ish I could be happy and have some hope, something to look forward to. and i mean the idea of it not being her, i don't really like it. I just want her, that it. and i wish i knew how she felt. like is she ok letting it go, like oh itll just be a nice memory and now on to the next, ugh that kinda sucks. I just and i know it probably wouldn't work between us right now anyway if ever, i mean shes young and she has things she needs to do and well i am kind of over that lifestyle. I'm just depressed, but yeah i want to know how she feels about me now, like what does she think. I s she already happily moving along or what? I hate this, and my life is just blah, i think maybe i feel like this cuz i talked to her last night, i feel better when i don't cuz it helps me forget about her sort of. but when i talk to her its like ugh, like i'm glad i'm talking to her but i want more, i can't just be her friend, i want it all back. We didn't talk about us or the breakup which is good i guess, i dont really know what else there is to say anyway at this point. I want to be with her but i don't think that would even work right now, it sucks, like do i just move on and date other people? I just want to be happy, i want some hope and motivation back. I want my life back, but i guess the life i knew is over. time to create a new one, i just don't know what I want yet, but i don't want this shit |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2007.12.20 02.25 tonight was interesting, many blasts from the past. Mallory the first girl i kissed i ran into out and hung out with the her the rest of the night, kinda wanted to make out with her again but more on that later i'm a little drunk and wayy tired and have to wake up wayy too soon. urgh |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2007.12.19 18.05 sooo I'm feeling pretty optimistic right now, not sure why but i'm rolling with it. This really isn't the end of the world although at times it feels so. I'm ok and there are great things ahead of me. I have everything I need and I thus far have had a great life for the most part. I found some more quotes, which is where i usually turn when i'm in need of inspiration. "Do you think it would be as much fun if you could trade some of the happiest days of your life, for not having to experience some of the saddest? Do you think it would be as much fun if you could guarantee that some of your dreams would come true, by forgoing others? How about if only your "good" thoughts became things... or would you still want it all?" This one seems to portray it perfectly, yes there has been alot of sadness recently but would i trade it? no, and i'm glad that i'm sad its over, because it was a period of time I really enjoyed, and i'm also glad that I now have the opportunity to do all of the things i have always wanted to do, like possibly move to DC or go to grad school, all without having to juggle something else. so in a sense i had a dream come true, i had a wonderful and great relationship and now that that is over i now can fully dive into other dreams i've always had. So yes i do want it all, the good with the bad. "Courageous is the soul who adventures into time and space to learn of their divinity. For while they cannot lose, they can think they have, and the loss will seem intolerable. And while they cannot fail, they can think they have, and the pain will seem unbearable. And while they cannot ever be less than they truly are - powerful, eternal and loved - they can think they are, and all hope will seem lost. And therein lies their test. A test of perceptions; of what to focus on, of what to believe in, in spite of appearances. Courageous indeed... the pride of the Universe, and I should know." I dunno i mean i'm not even really like imagining the future or thinking about the past right now, i'm just ok and happy where I am for now and in time things will come and they will be good things. I want a relationship but i don't know if i want one right now. I just want to be happy, happy with and by myself again and find a job i really enjoy and people i really enjoy spending time with and doing thing I enjoy. lol i sound like a broken record. I dunno man, i guess i'll just leave it with this one last quote. "Haven't you always found your way? Hasn't there always been a light in the darkness? Haven't you always gotten back up? Haven't there always been serendipitous surprises, unexpected twists, and triumphant comebacks? And, haven't you always had someone to love? Not to mention all of your dreams that have already come true." Mood:  optimistic
|
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2007.12.18 05.40 dreaming crazy dreams Ok its 5 am and i'm going to try to write down my dreams. The first one was like crazy like everything was just crazy i was crazy and i guess i kinda thought it was real? like this sounds weird but the toilet was just filled with stuff and i mean like objects like 4 feet high and i was outside with an ipod and not my house it was weird and i called jess like twice and we talked i forgot what about but then i found out that that never really happned. it was like a dream within a dream i guess cuz i woke up in my dream from another dream bc i called her again and then she said i never called before so those conversations never really existed? ok so the other one i guess was like two parts one was on a boat i think and no alcohol was included int he price it was weird. then i was like in a dept. store then i left i guess i worked there then i was like in a mansion and there were people trying to get me and when i was ont he boat or something someone warned me if you hear music run, so while i was battling these guys it got to a point where they didn't have guns anymore but they all had guitars so they started playing and like glowed or something so i ran away outside b/c i knew that meant they were going to blow up? and there was a guy runnning ahead of me too. then i was in the ocean like swimming towards shore and it wasn't really rough but there were big waves i was afraid mght like wash me over but they didn't and dad and stu were there surfing and phillip and as i was swimming to shore there was a helicopter with like carrying a raft and i think a dead guy was in it, anyway i got to shore and behind me like right behind there is a wall of water, like i don't even know what was holding it back but like an 8 or 9 foot just water and an invisible barrier. you could see the fish and stuff swimming inside but there was shore and the ocen as normal but the shore wasn't much and then more water held by an invisible barrier.. i dunno ok i think thats it. |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2007.12.16 11.00 ? I'm so down, argh. This blows. I got high last night thinking it would give me a break but she was still all I thought about but in a different way like in a happy calm way instead of in a tortured way i guess. it sucks, I wake up in the morning wanting her and it hurts it realy does, it's a dull low level pain but it hurts, like a pit or emptiness in my stomach. I don't get it, i really don't. How can one person mean so much to me, or that relationship I mean why is it that everything seems to hinge on that now. Like nothing else matters and i can't like care much about anything else. Its like everything else is nothing. I dunno, i don't like it. And i don't want to let her go, i don't want to forget what we were and what we had but i also can't move on and be happy while remembering what I don't have anymore. I just don't know, I don't know why it happened. And i don't know whats going to happen now. I'm just at a loss, literally and figuratively. I mean how could she have meant that much to me? It seems a bit silly alot silly. i mean shes just a person, I don't get it. I mean it was more about the relationship about the both of us, about what we had when we came together. and i don't think i want anyone else. At least not right now. I just i have no idea, about anything really. I don't know what I want, what i want to do. What happened, what that was, why i'm here not, why i feel this way and she feels that way. Ayyy I dunno man, just don't know. Mood:  confused
|
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2007.12.13 16.39 Wow So, I've come such a long way in just 2 years. It really is kind of amazing, and I don't even know how it happened. I guess i "grew up" i don't even know. Reading back on some of those posts i remember feeling those things and thinking them but now I am just so calm and cool and collected. I like myself, i feel like I know myself and I don't rely on other peoples opinions or judgements anymore. I trust myself to know what i want and to be able to handle the outcome. I don't even know what happened. Who have I become? I have become what i guess i always wanted to be, happily myself, confidently myself. just wow, i just i don't even know, I'm quite impressed, but now what's next?? Mood:  impressed
|
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2007.12.13 15.41 Ayy, what to do, what to do. So yeah that was a bit angry. I still kinda stand by it though, it makes me feel better. I can't hang on like I do, i can't keep wishing things were different. And i can't keep waiting for her, I want to be with someone, but at the same time, i don't want to be one of those people who constantly feel the need to be in a relationship. I liked it and i thought I was ready for that to just kind of settle down and enjoy sharing my life with someone, and I still kind of think I am but at the same time it seems a bit boring and premature right not. I mean i'm going to be 23 but i feel like I am so beyond certain things. Like going out and getting drunk and hooking up with people. It really won't bring me any satisfaction I don't think at this point. I use to really enjoy it, even just a year or so ago. But I think i found something that brought me more and now I don't want to settle for anything less. I am worried that I won't find that again with someone else but I have to believe I will. The thing that gets me is that I guess i'm very selective, I have not so much high standards its just that I won't settle for anything less than what i want. I mean i've only really liked a handful of girls, one handful. And obviously everytime I thought "there's no one else" well i was always wrong and in a way they all got better, so I have to hope and quite frankly know that there is more in store and better in a sense. I want to do so many things but at the same time i'm not really sure what i want to do. There is moving to DC which is appealing but then again i've kind of been there done that. Then theres grad school in LA which i've always wanted to do, in varying degrees. It appeals to me, doing a masters in clinical psych and then maybe being a marriage and family therapist. I think that would suit me really well, but i mean what's in LA. I don't know anyone there, i know tons in DC, but that doesn't really scare me. then i'd need a job there but I am lacking in the inspiration department when it comes to jobs. I'm kind of just waiting for something to fall in my lap, although i know it doesn't really work like that, however everything has usually worked out really easily for me when its meant to. like the dc job and finding a place and then the g/f thing. Just really natural and easy, i mean even the breakup part. I guess when things are right they just work they just flow. and i guess now i'm just waiting to find the flow and jump in. Thats why I never got a job in orlando although i applied like hell, it just wasn't supposed to work clearly, I wasn't supposed to be there. I don't know where i'm supposed to be now other than where I am. I'm just waiting, patiently waiting for my life to get moving again. I'm cool though, I think there are great things ahead although I don't really have as much hope in the future as I use to, I mean before i had a g/f I always was like when it happens it'll be right and thats what you were waiting for but now i dunno I can't really say I feel that way. I mean i hope theres someone else, something else. but right now i'm not sure. There are so many things I want to get involved in, I want to meet some great friends, mature, thoughtful and not that my friends aren't now but uhh they are lacking a bit. I have some friends like that but I want more. Who am I kidding, my life has been great and has worked out perfectly, of course its going to keep working this was just a bump in the road, meant to nudge me onto another road and that road will be better for me. I want to start playing soccer again, I want to go camping, I want to go skiing and learn to snowboard. And I want someone with me, whether it be friends or a new relationship. I do want to maintain more independent next time though. I think we were too wrapped up and that's good and I liked it but at times I dunno i think it was too much. I'm just ready to get moving again...all in good time I suppose. “I had to reset everything and go back to the basics, ... You have to crawl before you walk, walk before you run" I want to start walking at a brisker pace, or hell maybe I haven't even stood up yet, whichever I just want to get going. Mood:  determined
|
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2006.01.28 22.17 Soon.........I can feel it |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2005.11.24 02.02 kill me..........do it now..........and make it painless My life is brilliant. My love is pure. I saw an angel. Of that I'm sure. She smiled at me on the subway. She was with another man. But I won't lose no sleep on that, 'Cause I've got a plan. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true. I saw you face in a crowded place, And I don't know what to do, 'Cause I'll never be with you. Yeah, she caught my eye, As we walked on by. She could see from my face that I was, F**king high, And I don't think that I'll see her again, But we shared a moment that will last till the end. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true. I saw you face in a crowded place, And I don't know what to do, 'Cause I'll never be with you. You're beautiful. You're beautiful. You're beautiful, it's true. There must be an angel with a smile on her face, When she thought up that I should be with you. But it's time to face the truth, I will never be with you. I swear kill me......now |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2005.05.01 23.40 Ayyyyyyyy So.......Lesbians.............I think lesbians are probably the coolest girls on the planet......I mean think about it if theres a room full of people and theres one lesbian there shes almost guaranteed to be the coolest girl in the room.........am i wrong? I think not..............So last night was probably one of the best nights in a long time........ I went down to a state park in god knows where it took me an hour to get there and thats not including the time i spent getting lost.........took my first motorcylcle ride and i have to admit i wasn't as big a baby about as i thought i'd be it was kinda fun............much scarier without a helmet tho!!! OAR and Jack Johnson was the music of the evening and I couldn't have planned it any better myself...........and of course there was a bonfire.........a nice big bonfire..............i've decided that the best parts of a fire (esp. bonfires) are the embers, they go sooo high up in the air its very cool, like a bunch of lil fireflies. And there was the kicking around of a soccer ball (that will never cease to excite me, a guaranteed way to make anything a more enjoyable experience for me) ahhhhh yes I almost forgot another first for me last night was the stripper, ya thats right, it was not all that exciting and the funny part is that most of the guys there were outside missing "the show".......there was also a dog named Bo in attendance (dogs are an instant mood brightner also) and of course the ultimate mood enhancer.......a couple of Very cool, Very hot lesbians...........the only problem with this is that they were in fact a couple ( isn't that always the case :( ) o well i got a hug that should be enough........for now. But the park was fucking Huuuge windy, hilly roads (also a day brightner) it was very cool, almost got lost and drove into some guys house but its all good. Ahhhh so yes lesbians are the shit, they know it and so does everyone else..............i'm starting to wonder now if i qualify?? hmmmm we'll see |
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||||
2005.04.29 20.14
How Butch or Femme Are You? More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva |
|||||
|
|
||||
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
2005.03.29 17.27 :)
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
2005.03.29 17.10
|
|||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
|
||
|
2005.03.17 02.18 i couldn't take the embrace of a real romance it'd race right through me i'm much better off the way things are much much better off, better of by far, by far i wouldn't know what to say to a gentle voice it'd roll right past me and if you chalk it up you'll see i don't really have a choice so don't even ask me i'm much beter off, the way things are much much better off, better by far- Fiona Apple Mood:  okay
|
|||
|
|
||
|
|
||
|
2005.02.13 02.23 Twentysomething........what about twentynothings?? Hmmmm so 20 ya I don't feel 20, heck I don't really "feel" like I'm anything that I am, but i'll go into that later. 20 i'm not a teenager anymore but am I a twentysomething.....no, a twentysomething implies 20 and then some but i'm a twenty and then none.....a twentynothing......I feel like I should be so much further along in life than I am .....being 20 in a way makes me feel old, makes me feel like I have to hurry up and do and be and become all the things i want to be and do like now....... I feel so far behind....menaing that I'm in my second semester of my second year of college and I have just now begun to actually meet new people, and even then I haven't made any new real friends yet and Its all starting to scare me, and then beyond that I've never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend even ...........i've never even kissed a girl and i'm twenty i feel like that should have been taken care of long ago. I'm trying to let go but at the same time i'm holding on to nothingness so tightly, I try to rationalize why it is that I haven't made new friends or found a girlfriend and yes one of the biggest reasons is I don't talk, I don't put myself out there. But now I am throwing myself out there and i'm not exactly getting what i'd like out of I recently started going to the glbsu meeting and i went by myself which is a rather big step for me. And I walk in to a room full of gay people and immediatley feel uncomfortable yet oddly comforted at the same time.... now I go and find an emtpy seat and well the boys next to me kind of act like i'm not there which only furthers my dicomfort as I watch everyone else talk amongst themselves and I kno that they had to start like this also at least some...... by themselves, but eventually they met and became close to people, yet this isn't happening to me as quickly as it seems to with others, but then again that is kind of always the case with me....why? I mean is it my fault should I be more outgoing and talkative or am I just not likeable?? I'd like to believe the former but sometimes I wonder. So my first experience at a gay bar was quite pleasant, my fav part is seeing groups of men in the womens room, another highlight was that the boys that ignored my existence at the glbsu meeting were there and one actually came up and introduced himself and apologized for being an asshole which was nice but i do have to wonder if there was an alterior motive involved b/c he sort of has a history with brian......and you know those are never positve so anyhow I ended up going to the meeting and sitting with him the next week.........but more about the gay bar, why is it that I only meet gay men there?? I mean there are lesbians inhabiting the club, I mean do they just not want to talk to me, do they think i'm straight, do they find me unattractive??, I dont get it, I'm shy I can't take all this pressure I need other people to instigate conversation. This is sort of becoming a problem for me. Another semi-problematic situation is that I think I kind of like this girl and yay shes gay score 100 points for me already that one big gigantic leap in the right direction, but what do I do now? I'm too chicken shit to actually tell her that I might be interested but at the same time if shes interested I don't want to seem uninterested. So how does one let one know subtly that one is interested in another?? I don't know i'm not good at this game, i've never played. The only game i've played is get really nervous when cute straight girl walk into room then immediatley start obsessing and analyzing and quitely weeping to yourself. I have a feeling thats not going ot do much good in this or any other situation. And there are maybe oh 2 lesbians that i've met or seen that i'm interested in. Thats going to be a problem especially if the 2 i am interested dont reciprocate the feelings. Now what would happen if they were interested well I would probably start playing the nervous game and fuck everything up b/c I have a great skill when it comes to screwing things up and making usually comfortable or neutral situations completely akward and incredibly uncomfortable. :( I'm sad again. I want a relationship except that I dont' necessarily whan to be me in a relationship, I can't handle a relationship, I can't even handle telling someone I like them for fear of rejection how am I supposed to let some get close to the sensative and oh so fragile girl i am?? I don't give off the impression (or at least i don't think) that I am vulnerable, scared, nervous and desperatley wanting to run away and go crawl under a rock. But for the most part thats how I feel around people I dont know or don't know that well. And htat poses a problem when trying to make friends :) ! So back to the whole I don't "feel" things well for example I'm 20 i dont feel 20 i don't know what age i do feel like but 20 doesn't seem to fit. I'm a girl but i don't exaclty feel like a girl, I don't feel like a boy but I don't know maybe its the fact that i dont identify with what is considered feminine. I'm a lesbian (i think :/ ) I don't feel like a lesbian, i'm not exactly sure what a lesbian is supposed to feel like but I feel like kind of a poser when i or someone else refers to me as a lesbian. I kind of feel unfit to claim the title. I'm tired now and Im tired of thinking and only coming up with more questions and confusions Mood:  distressed
|
|||
|
 |
||
|
|
||
|
2005.02.04 00.50 :( I'm sad! Well not really sad but just kind of hopeless......... :( I want a girlfriend...........or rather i actually don't even kno if i do........even if i did i would probably be hard pressed to find one. I mean I'm not exactly the most outgoing......its kind of like i go out of my way not to talk lol....weird..... all I actually do kno for sure is that I really want to hook up with a girl.......like soon........like right now........Ya kno what else is weird I kind of well i'm not going to use the word like, and well i can't even really use the word interested but theres this guy in my bio class that sits next to me and he's cute........ I mean its not like I want to hook up w/ him or anything........at least i don't think i do..........i don't actually know.........but i don't think do.........but anyway he kind of made me re-evaluate my orientation..........even tho it hasn't even been formally set............:( I duno!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean sometimes I entertain the thought of having a b/f but i'm not interested in much except maybe holding hands !?........ I kno....odd. I dunno maybe i just like the idea of having a b/f..............even tho i actually don't..........i think i like the idea of other ppl knowing i have a b/f................but i kind of like the idea of ppl knowing I have a g/f more............although i dunno........when i entertain the thought of having a g/f its nice and its sort of what i think i want except that, well, i dunno how well i could deal with being that close to someone, i mean i'm odd, and i do weird things and have weird moods. I dont think i'm all that comfortable letting someone see the totality that is me. I don't even kno the totality of me. And I wouldn't want to enter into something like that if i couldn't handle it.............even tho i'd probly do it anyway............but thats not even the point of the matter the point is that :( How do i go about finding and liking a girl that likes me when i'm uncomfortable and unwilling to make an effort to talk? Its not exaclty the easiest of undertakings .....................so what am I like doomed to be single and lonley and :gasp: a virgin forever..............god i hope not........that would be terrible. :( But i feel like if i try to be outgoing that i'm going to come off like a big geek..........probably like the big geek that i actually am lol .......... I dunno if i'm ready to do that Mood: confused
|
|||
|
|
||