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Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.

	2008.05.13  22.46 :) Sat in the corner you could pass for dead get up on the floor and shake your head everybody move it everybody move it if you'd rather be home you can leave right now this is a party no frowns allowed everybody move it everybody move it bum and grind, have a good time free yourself and lose your mind now the party's pumpin' and the groove is on grab the nearest body and move along go to the next if it don't feel right but have no fear, get down tonight everybody move it everybody move it bum and grind, have a good time free yourself and lose your mind everybody move it everybody move it

	2008.05.13  22.44 ? Can't close my eyes They're wide awake Ev'ry hair on my body has got a thing for this place Oh empty my heart I've got to make room for this feeling so much bigger than me It couldn't be any more beautiful - I can't take it in. Weightless in love...unraveling For all that's to come and all that's ever been We're back to the board with every shade under the sun Let's make it a good one It couldn't be any more beautiful - I can't take it in.

	2008.05.10  22.14 As I was walking through a life one morning the sun was out, the air was warm, but Oh, I was cold And though I must have looked half a person, to tell the tale, in my own version, It was only then that I felt whole Do you believe in something beautiful? Then get up and be it Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control I know how hard you try. I see it in your eyes But call your friends, 'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rotten And what's eating you alive might help you to survive. We went on as we were on a mission, latest in a Grand Tradition And oh, what did we find? It was Ego who was flying the banner, and me and Mia, Ann and Ana Oh, we'd been unkind But do you believe in something beautiful? Then get up and be it Fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control I see it in your eyes, I see it in your spine. But call your friends, 'cause we've forgotten what it's like to eat what's rotten And what's eating you alive, might help you to survive. And even the nights, they could get better And even the days ain't all that bad And after a week of fighting, as more and more it seems the right thing But do you believe in something beautiful? Then get up and be it Fighting for the smallest goal: to gain a little self-control Won't anybody here just let you disappear? Not doctors, nor your mom and dad, but me and Mia, Ann and Ana Know how hard you try. Don't you see it in my eyes? Sick to death of my dependence, fighting food to find transcendence Fighting to survive, more dead but more alive Cigarettes and speed for livin', and sleeping pills to feel forgiven All that you contrive, and all that you're deprived All the bourgeois social angels telling you you've got to change Don't have any idea. They'll never see so clear. But don't forget what it really means to hunger strike when you don't really need to Some are dying for a cause, but that don't make it yours. And even the nights, they could get better.

	2008.05.10  22.13 My horoscope for the day How appropriate: The universe knows that you deserve a relationship that is based on mutual respect and cooperation -- and you do, too. It's time for you to be more demanding about what you need and stop putting the desires of others above your own desires. This selfless phase of yours has gone on too long -- you have needs too, and they have to be met. If you think that you are creating a sense of harmony between yourself and your friends by giving in to their whims, you are wrong.

	2008.05.10  21.55 Many Questions Oy, who's arguing? who's right who's wrong? does anyone ever really know? When does eyes meet eyes? When do things become clear, how do you know who how or what to belive in? How do you trust yourself when your unsure of yourself and everyone is telling you that your wrong? do you give in or hold strong? what is strength anyway, is it in the giving in or in the letting go or the interplay in between? I know not. And I will lie In a bulletproof suit with some friends of mine I wrote the plotline Only I knew who survived And through the night In a really fast car on an uphill climb Blew past the danger signs And fell through darkness, sublime But awoke just in time They're gonna come to life tonight They're gonna come to life tonight They're gonna come to life tonight, In love for the last time In younger days I do my schoolwork while the neighbors play But stare into space With no feeling to convey With no look on my face In younger days I'm stealing bases while my mother prays And trembles to waste Longing for one more play They're gonna come to life tonight They're gonna come to life tonight They're gonna come to life tonight, In love for the last time I don't know what everyone was looking at I don't care what everyone was laughing at I don't know what everyone was staring at I think, I think that it's me I don't know what everyone was looking at I don't care what everyone was laughing at I don't know what everyone was staring at I think, I think that it's me Didn't I tell you that I could hear you running out? Didn't I find you when I knew you were hiding out? Didn't I see you when you thought you'd never stand out? Didn't I find you? Didn't I find you? I don't know what everyone was looking at I don't care what everyone was laughing at I don't know what everyone was staring at (they're gonna come to life tonight) I think, I think that it's me Didn't I see you when you thought you'd never stand out? (I think, I think that it's me) Didn't I find you? (They're gonna come to life tonight) I think, I think that it's me I don't know what everyone was looking at (Didn't I tell you) I don't care what everyone was laughing at (That I could hear you running out) I don't know what everyone was staring at (Didn't I find you) I think, I think that it's me (When I knew you were hiding out) Didn't I see you when you thought you'd never stand out? Didn't I find you? (They're gonna come to life tonight) I think, I think that it's me

	2008.05.10  21.22 My Kairos Songs First: Oh look at how she listens She says nothing of what she thinks She just goes stumbling through her memories Staring out on to Grey Street. She thinks, "Hey, how did I come to this?" I dream myself a thousand times around the world But I can't get out of this place. There's an emptiness inside her And she'll do anything to fill it in But all the colors mix together - to grey And it breaks her heart How she wishes it was different She prays to God most every night And though she swears it doesn't listen There's still a hope in her it might She says "I pray oh But they fall on deaf ears, am I supposed to take it on myself? To get out of this place? " Oh There's a lonliness inside her And she'll do anything to fill it in And though it's red blood bleeding from her now It feels like cold blue ice in her heart When all the colors mix together - to grey And it breaks her heart There's a stranger speaks outside her door Says take what you can from your dreams Make them as real as anything Oh It'd take the work out of courage But she says "Please There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door, I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world." Oh there's an emptiness inside her And she'll do anything to fill it in And though it's red blood bleeding from her now It's more like cold blue ice in her heart She feels like kicking out all the windows And setting fire to this life She could change everything about her Using colors bold and bright But all the colors mix together - to grey And it breaks her heart It breaks her heart To Grey Last: What did I just say Well, I can't remember The room is spinning and My Heart is skipping beats Cause I finally cut all the ties That were hanging on me It's a sign of life To be so confused You jump and it feels Like you're falling You find the hope, the strength, the heart And just when you think there's nothing left Cause when it feels just like you're drowning That's when you fight for every breath You find the faith, the will, the words To break through the silence and the pain Cause when it feels just like you're dyin' That's a sign of life Sooner or later You come to the point Where you have to choose Who and what you want to be And I made a decision Not so long ago To be happy It's a sign of life To be unafraid You jump and it feels Like you're flying Break down Shattered My reflection is scattered Like ashes in the wind I'll begin again

	2008.05.10  21.12 round and round we go I have to stop myself somewhere but i never know where, i have conflictions about my self-righteous feelings and the thought that I should just be more understanding and more accepting, but is there a limit, where do you draw the line, does the line een have to be drawn, well i suppose for well being of the self it must. but where, where does concern for others and concern for oneself meet, when is it a win-win and who decides. I am conflicted but i'm trying not to be, I have to believe that other people can handle themselves and that i can handle myself, but its hard to believe when no one else is putting that philosophy into practice, at least not in my realm at the moment, when is enough enough? it goes both ways but ayy what to ever to do? i suppose no one knows and that is why we should all try to give a little more but how do you try to give a little more when it seems like everyone else has stopped, and if you stop is all hope lost or will it find itself again, i don't know. I guess it comes down to faith. one song that i identify with alot is as follows, and maybe we all identify but just aren't sharing, i don't know. This is where I say I've had enough and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now. A walking open wound, a trophy display of bruises and I don't believe that I'm getting any better, any better. Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring and I'm thinking awful things and I'm pretty sure that few would notice. And this apartment is starving for an argument. Anything at all to break the silence. Wandering this house like I've never wanted out and this is about as social as I get now. And I'm throwing away the letters that I am writing you 'cause they would never do, I would never do, never. So don't be a liar, don't say that "everything's working" when everything's broken. And you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor and your eyes say the joke's on me. But I'm not laughing and you're not leaving and who do I think I am kidding When I'm the only one locked in this cell? So don't be a liar, don't say that "everything's working" when everything's broken. And you smile like a saint but you curse like a sailor and your eyes say the joke's on me.

	2008.05.10  20.29 I'll be done now You just can't relax, And you can't rely, On anyone for anything, So you make your complaints, And all everyone's let you down, You just cant, Ever win, Convinced there's a war on, It's always everybody versus you, Convinced that your critics are watching, And you've always got something, You've always got something to prove, So tie the noose, And raise the cross, The martyr's arrived, A desperate plea for sympathy, It's all you'll need, A laundry list of problems, Doesn't make you interesting, And never getting help doesn't make you brave, Not listening to reason doesn't mean that you have faith, Your just cutting off your nose to spite your face, So tie the noose, And raise the cross, The martyr's arrived, A desperate plea for sympathy, It's all you'll need! And you want it all You want it, you want it all, You want it, you want it all, You want it, you want it all, You want it, you want it all, You want it, you want it all, You want it, you want it all, You want it, you want it all, You want it, you want it all, You want it, you want it all, You want it, you want it all.

	2008.05.10  20.14 Thoughts kept under wraps I'm angry, I feel betrayed, uncared for and self-righteous. I have done my best for years trying and trying and trying. I try to help others, to the detriment of myself. I have been so selfless that i think i have now gone and lost myself. I have spend years putting the needs, wants, desires, feelings and whims of those around me before my own and now i'm tired. very very tired. and it always seems that when i try to tell someone how i feel they respond despondently. O well i didn't know, i didn't think, well you made me feel this way, blah blah blah. oh al you're just being dramatic. this must be an ego trip. no i don't feel like talking right now. no i'm sorry i care, but i can't help you. ya i saw you crying but i thought you just wanted to be left alone. I have tried so hard and pushed and pushed doing what i think someone might want or need me to do. I cared too much, and now i'm all cared out. Everyone always tell me i'm a rock, i'm strong, i'm wise, they don't know what they would do without me. well what do i do when i need someone, because no one ever shows up for me, not in the way that i so desperately try to show up for others. I always stop myself when i feel like i deserve more and i think about how the other person may be feeling and then i go with that, i cater to them and their needs, never my own. when i have tried to talk to people about my depression or my breakup i get sighs, and oh shut ups. I try my very best to make sure that everyone is ok. I am constantly asking that question, almost pleading tell me what is tugging at your heart, i'll care, and listen and do what i can. I am always pushed to lead, If i fall well i better pick myself up because no one is going to catch me or break my fall. when i fall I fall alone, and sure people say they care, how do they show it, by making themselves try to feel better.....wait wait say what, you care about me and your downing a bottle of wine so that you can feel better??? what about me?? now I have to deal with that??? THANKS FOR CARING. Well i'm done I think i've fallen for the last time, and yes i will still show up but no i'm done, find someone else to care, someone else to listen, someone else to drive, someone else to pick your drunk ass up, someone else to cry to. because if i'm all i've got i better not waste my resources.

	2008.04.18  13.06 ok so hmm things have been weird for a few days. my mom and victor made me take some pills to relax and i dunno everything has just been really weird and i don't get. jess also said in her blog that i might be going to a mental hospital?? oyyy i just have no idea. i watch the news and everything looks crazy. i sort of feel like i am losing my mind, haha what else is new. victor and stu took my car this morning. to get me a new mattress?? ya i have no idea what that means anyway i just really want someone to help me try to make sense of things. ryan is supposed to be on his way so thats good, i think he my mom and i could talk.

	2008.03.23  07.34 more fun dreams ok so some ppl were over at my house. jess had just come to visit i think but we didn't really get to see each other much and i think i had to do something, my cousin brooke was also there anyway there were like 4 ppl in my room and then i left and came back it was empty i go check in the other room and jess is laying on some girl watching tv or a movie and theres a bunch of other ppl on the bed also i realize the girl is gay cuz shes wearing a beanie and looking gay anyway i wasn't happy about that but left it all alone, anyway later in the night ppl are getting ready for bed, i think there may also be a huge party going on at my house too, like huuuge. anyway theres someone in my bed but it was my cousin not jess like expected, so i cal her and she says she left and i ask why and she says she might want to break up or maybe i ask and she says she might anyway i flip out and start like crying on the phone and i'm all like no no. and then i was like fine wel lets just break up then. then i think she says if i wonder if we are even right for each other or something. anyway that sucked and then there were like a billion people at my house and my moms cousin was there too, then some kids were in my car for some reason anyway ya it sucked. jess was acting weird from the very beginning and never even told me she was leaving or what was going on, oyy not a fun dream

	2008.02.13  21.11 ryan and i kind of had a good talk i guess. everyones right i can't really make a choice and stick with it. i try to talk myself into something then i get there and talk myself right back out again over and over. and its like useless to try to figure out my "real" feelings b/c as soon as i get there i'll just go the other way. i do have some things to straighten out i guess. i am like completely unhealthily indecisive. and i guess that i did make the right choice then now, at least i don't have to put her through all my back and forth b/c i guess like ryan said it won't stop i'll just keep repeating the same shit til i finally sort it out. it just sucks thinking that because of myself i might miss out on something. i mean i don't want this to be the way i am. i just guess we have to see. i just don't even know which way to go. i need to i dunno figure something out. i guess for now i have to go in this direction.

	2008.02.13  17.38 i feel like i did in high school, like weird, and its weirder being back to this place. its like what didn't i learn. i kind of feel like no one cares, or i dunno, like no one can help. i can't even talk to anyone about anythign because i don't even know what to say. i can't even begin to comprehend my feelings and the reasons why they are. i mean the obvious reason would be jess but um i kind of did that to myself and its not like i want to undo it b/c i don't think that would help. can i really be this messed up over everything just because of that?? no it has to be something deeper, something has hit somewhere deep and i don't know what it is. i'm just so like uhhhhhh, sometimes theres just so many thoughts of so many things and questions and then theres blank space and i'm just like what? its like mindboggling. i feel like a crazy, i really do. what the hell??? what the fucking hell, and i feel so defensive i want to like yell at people sometimes and be angry and i'm not sure why. its like i want everyone away but then again not. i like want someone to comfort to comfort me but then id liek push it away or make something wrong with it like they don't understand the problem or what they are doing to help isn't good enough. argh, just don't mind me i'm having a moment.

	2008.02.12  07.49 gosh reading her journals makes me ill, i feel sick, i don't feel like i use to and i'm not sure why but there is still a panic inside me and this ill feeling i get. i just want to make her stop just stop it. i don't know why, or how to make her stop. i just ugh this is so not what i wanted i want things to be normal again too i just don't know how to get back to that place, i don't know how to get back to the place inside me where its ok. i don't know i just want her to stop. i haven't stopped caring i just don't know what to do anymore. i don't know if its worse to talk to her or not, i don't know how to just let it be or why. this isn't really what i wanted. i don't want her to get over it, i don't think i'm over it, or i dunno i'd be more ok. i'm not really ok i just don't know, i don't know where to go from here, i don't know what to do. i just want her to be ok. ugh she was ok why did i screw it up? because i wasn't ok? i dunno i just ugh i can't keep reading her stuff, i like dread it, i always did. every morning i would wake up and check it and i would be sick and scared of what i'd find. i was always scared to hear that she didn't care anymore, and now i dunno this makes me sick too. i just want her to stop just stop. i want to just be normal again, i want all my old feelings back, i want to get back to where we were but maybe we're too far gone i dunno. i just really don't know what to do anymore and i wish she wasn't going through what she is going through. i mean to me i dunno i don't see the point i don't get it. i did but i guess i just feel like we were "done" along time ago and not much has changed. i think thats the issue she never really saw us as done and i mean i can't even say i see us as done now, but i mean in november it was done for me, that relationship i guess was sort of over. i don't even know. i just don't know how we got here or why or where we are going. its turned into such a damn nightmare and i wish i could make it stop.

	2008.02.11  09.10 what am i doing? do i want to make her hate me? i'm talking to her and i guess thats fine, i just don't want to screw things up anymore, and maybe i should just leave her alone i dunno. argh

	2008.02.11  09.00 what have i done and why?? is this really what i want????? i don't like the awkwardness thats back again. i just i don't know maybe i am a crazy person. i just don't want her to think i don't care, i want her to totally focus on herself right now and do good in school and be happy. geez i don't think i've like considered her well being as much as now. i mean she will be fine. what the hell is wrong with me. when we first broke up i was so pissed that she didn't seem to care and i cared alot, i mean what was that? i feel like the enemy sort of, i've made myself that way. i don't want her to look to me anymore and i don't know why. i don't want to fail her anymore. i really don't i just feel like i'm no good for her anymore but i kind of want to be, i just need to get myself back to that place, where i can enjoy her as a friend or more maybe without letting whatever weird feelings i have getting in the way. i just hope that we are able to sort through everything so that we can at least be good friends someday. i really just ugh it can't all go, whatever, whatever, whatever. i don't know what i'm fighting or who i'm fighting with. this is why your better off without me right now

	2008.02.11  08.46 it was easier when she wanted to go i think, i knew i had no control over it. its hard to make her go when she doesn't want to. but i guess i want to go, or i want her to go, i don't know. i just wanted it all to stop, all the confusion all the worrying all the crying all the fighting all the drama i just wanted it to stop and i guess it sort of has now and thats good. i don't have to worry anymore, but yet i'm still worrying about her. i don't even know. theres nothing i can do or say to make it any better or easier i have to just let her be. i need to let her figure it out and be ok, i need her to be ok, ok without me i guess. i just can't handle the pressure maybe i dunno. shes strong, stronger than she knows and i want her to figure that out. so she knows that she can get close to people and be ok if they leave, she can, the way she cares is the best thing about her. thats what i loved most the fact that she was so emotional, i just need her to be ok, i don't know why. in a way it scares me to, to think that she will be totally over me someday and happier with someone else, but maybe thats the way it has to be. i have to let that be ok, i don't know if i can be what she needs, i don't know.

	2008.02.11  08.16 why do i want this? what am i supposed to do now. how do i not care that i've just fucked things over real good? why did i feel the need to do that? i'd like to say that i was thinking of her, but that sounds stupid. i mean in a way this may be the best thing for her, for both of us. she won't have to deal with my bullshit anymore and i won't have to care as much either. i won't have to play the back and forth game and she won't have to wait and see what i come up with. so i guess thats good. i'm just really sorry. this wasn't really the way i wanted things to be. i just don't see another way right now. and i know that shes going to be getting over me now and i guess thats ok, i don't know what else to do. i mean it sucks thinking that she is going to be doing everything she can to not think of me and i think thats good i guess. i don't think that i am of any use to her anymore and i hate that. i wish i could be, i wish i could comfort her and tell her that everything will be ok. she will find someone who will give her exactly what she wants, and that person can't be me right now i don't think. and i'm so sorry i hate it. i went through it all too, and it sucks and maybe thats how i got here, maybe its too hard to come back from that place, and it sucks that i now have to let her go there, but i guess i have to. i think its the right thing. and i hate it. i just ugh i'm tired of fighting everything, i remember what it use to be like, but its not that wa for me anymore and i don't know why. i hope that maybe one day we can both get back to that place but i don't know. we just need to be ok alone right now i think. i'm so sorry

	2008.02.11  07.48 this is worse i think, i just feel so bad for her, i never wanted to make her feel this way, ever. i really didn't i just don't know whats going on with me. i don't know what i want. apparently i wanted her to go away and she has and it sucks. i wish i could be what she needed i just don't know if i can and i don't know why i just hate it. i hate that i've caused this and i'm not even really sure how. i think i'm scared scared of hurting her or myself again. ironically i've just hurt her the worst and that sucks. i just have to know that it was the right thing to do i guess. i don't know i don't want her holding on if theres nothing to hold on to. i don't know whats happened. i guess we just both have to let it go, i don't know. this sucks. i'm terribly sorry.

	2008.02.11  03.46 i don't even know. finally everything i think i wanted and i can't handle it, i can't i don't know why but i just can't handle it, i don't know what to do. i'm just not in an ok place with myself. i just didn't want to keep puting her through anything i need to figure things out on my own without having to worry about anyone. i really don't want done, but i guess thats the way it has to be for now, i feel horrible about this, i don't want her to forget about us or me. i don't want us to never talk i just i dunno i don't think i can handle it right now for whatever reason. somethings just got me really screwed up and i hate it. i hate that i can't just be normal. its all just too much, i just didn't want to have to worry about her feelings anymore. i just need time and space i guess. i just wish she was ok. i just want her to be ok. i want to be ok. i just hate this. i really do, i have to try and sleep but now i have this guilt to deal with. the fact that i have behaved like such a fucking ass. and i'm really sorry, i just don't know what else to do i really don't i hate this i hate this i hate this. i'm really sorry. i wish i didn't screw everything up. i wish i could just be ok, but i don't know if i can right now. i don't know how this will make me better. i just ugh i need to deal with some things i need to find my life again, i need to be ok again. this has turned into such a nightmare for me and i don't know why. this time its worse b/c its all my fault. i just didn't know what else to do. i really didn't i should feel ok now but i don't. what is wrong with me? what is the problem. am i afraid of being hurt again? can i just not open up and be normal i don't know what the problem is, not yet, but i hope i find out quickly and correct it. i just want her to be ok. i feel like i've screwed everything up, like i've screwed her up too, i hate that, i really don't want to. i hate this i really hate this.

	2008.02.10  20.13 argh, i feel so guilty like i've screwed everything up, like i just fucked it up. but i t was already fucked or at least i was. i dunno i'm just so messed up, i feel crazy and stupid and just ya like a crazy idiot. when did it get this complicated, it use to be very simple i use to feel my feelings i use to have a better idea of what they were. i've freaked out, i don't know how or why but i've freaked. i've just gone and lost it all. i don't know what i did with it, how did it get fucked up. i'm starting to remember more of how it use to be just easy, and nice, now its screwed up and hard and emotional and ugh just everything. and i'm so back and forth, i don't know what it is, is it in my head? i dunno this just sucks i wish it could be the way it use to. i wish we could make it back to that place, i hope maybe we can someday. i just think theres way too much shit for us to deal with now, we've just kept piling it on, and it sucks. it really sucks. and i don't know how to feel now, i mean can i really ok with done? i mean, done. i dunno, sometimes i think yes, but sometimes i think no. i guess it just depends on where i focus myself, if i don't think about her and it its kind of okay. i just don't know why i'm going to be like in a relationship again, i think its along way before i'm ready for that again with anyone, and i can't even imagine anyone, i wouldn't want to go through this again. i wish i knew how to fix it, i just don't know if there is a better healer than time for now. i really don't and i can't keep pushing and pulling her, i can't. i just ugh i feel horrible, i really was thinking of her the whole time though sort of, i just wouldn't have wanted to see her and been in a shitty mood. i didn't want that, and i know the only way to prevent that for sure is to not see her, or at least not yet. i mean how am i ever going to be sure?? i don't know and i don't want to risk it. i'd rather her just get over it or whatever she has to do to make herself ok with me not in her life. i just want her to be ok sort of. i mean in a way. i don't necesarily want her to be done and completely and totally over it but i do want her to be ok in general i mean really ok. i want to be ok too i just think we need to do that on our own for now. i dunno. i'm just really really sorry. and i'm realllly sorry. i don't want to hurt you anymore.

	2008.02.09  09.24 interesting Main (positional) Meaning: Dissatisfaction or boredom may be clouding your vision of the relationship between you and your love interest. Focus and action can get you back on track. The card in the Love & Me position touches on an aspect of how you perceive yourself right now. The Four of Cups in this position points to a state of temporary stagnation in your relationship. Your will has dissipated for a moment; your mind may be distracted from its true goal. A vague sense of dissatisfaction and malaise may be stealing your sense of well-being and replacing it with ennui. The card's image indicates what needs to be done. The calmer elements of body (earth), heart (water) and mind (air) are dormant in the three cups at the bottom of the card. The mind is trying to stir, but change comes from the cup of fire descending from above, which represents the will. It is only through arousal, action, motion and combustion that the mood can be dispelled and you can be brought back to your wits. Although there are lessons to be learned from asking yourself how you got to this state, don't linger on it for too long.

	2008.01.24  20.43 hmm a thought, isn't it funny how sometimes your life doesn't seem real like its not your life? i dunno what i mean but yeah how it i dunno but in a way it does feel like it, i have no idea, this is what happens when i smoke

	2008.01.22  17.59 ok so what does make me happy, like i can't even have like hopes for the future b/c it doesn't really excite me but it think thats because i'm assuming i'll stay in this mood which i prob won't it just i really don't know i had stuff to write about but then yeah, its like high school hell all over again i feel like my life rotates in 4 year schedules and um i'm at the top of the rotation again which means um things suck, like fresh yr high school was kind of bleak 2nd year a bit better 3rd year more better and senior year great after a bit of a really bad stint, college 1st year sucked, 2nd year sort of better but really sucked too junior year was pretty darn good, senior year even better, 1st year out of college well its sucking and urgh i don't want to think that the next whole year will too like i want to get off this 4 year rotation its like top of the cycle then back down i want to like stay at the top motherfucker urgh. oh well i just and like no i don't want to think about another relationship b/c that means i will have had to like be done with this one and umm i don't wanna, is that like stupid i mean is it totally unrealistic, sometimes i think so but then sometimes i don't whatever i guess things will all work out for the best i mean i kind of know they will but i don't know how i would not always feel a little heartbroken somewhere about jess and i if we don't work eventually, i mean i don't want to feel that way but in a way i would hate to be able to be completely over it. urghhhhhh again

	2008.01.22  17.39 ok so yeah, welcome to the drama again, but actually not so much this time, it gets easier. I cried a little when she left but then i was ok, it was just kind of like back into the void and now its like i know that being with her now wouldn't fix anything. so i don't really know what the problem is, i guess its just ind of like all my dreams and hopes have been shattered and i don't know what to do now. i guess i have to come up with some new ones or something its just like i dunno, i've become disillusioned which sucks or rather it sucks thinking it was an illusion and it wasn't really i guess but my fantasy of it like never ending i guess was false, or at least for the time being, i still don't want to think of us as completely done but i do have to stop thinking of us sort of, i don't want it to be but it is and has to be at least for now. i really kind of hope that it could work in the future but i do kind of have to not hope for that and just see what happens. it sucks it really does b/c i really do think i want to be with her in the future but i can't be miserable if i''m not and i have to know that it is only one of many possibilities. argh argh argh, really like sometimes i think ok ya i can be happy without her but like i don't want her not in my life ugh ok enough. i just need to be ok i need to figure out how to be ok, and i mean i'm fine i'm just like depressed and i sometimes feel like i could have a panic attack and i don't even know why, i mean its not even like i'm really worrying about anything at the time, there is kind of nothing to worry about. sometimes i think about if shes going to tell me we should stop talking one day and i mean i think i'd be ok with that i mean kind of whatever she wants. i just i dunno, i don't really know if it would make me any more unhappy or happy. i just don't really know at this point and nothing seems all that promising or exciting, not a new relationship and def not casual anything but maybe in time that will change, i just don't know if its healthy for us to slowly torture ourselves liket his, or at least me, i mean i'm mostly ok and i don't worry anymore its just like i'm always like depressed. i mean i don't even really want to be with her right now b/c i am not in an ok place with myself, i'm not in a place where i could have a healthy relationship so its good just sucks. like i feel like a leech, its like i need her and am clinging to that for something, and i don't really know what that is. and i do think i want to be with her again but not on "i need you" terms ya know. i want us both to be happy and content with our lives and ourselves and then to get together again if we wish, ugh i need to stop focusing on this though, i didn't even really plan to write about it. basically um this sucks and i need to get myself back to a point where i'm just happy , i was but then i don't know what happened, i wonder if i can be happy alone again, b/c before i was always kind of looking for and wanting a relationship. everything just seems so nothing without that. I think i focus too much of my satisfaction from my relationships with other people, like that is and has been the only focus of mine really like in high school friends would always be my top priority i'd choose hanging out over school work or work anytime, and i don't really know what that says. i don't really know how to put myself first like to not make other people my center, i don't know how to make myself happy b/c i don't know what makes me happy or fulfills me besides my relationships, i mean nothing does really, i mean sort of but i dunno. argh