Haley's Blurty

Time:	1:11 pm.
Mood:	hopeful.
Music:	Ben Harper-The Drugs Don't Work.

This week has passed so slowly, like sand would through a massive hourglass...and I don't feel any better.
I feel like I've been standing in place watching everything pass me by, because although I've been there physically, my mind couldn't be farther. I laugh along...make random comments here and there... but it doesn't really affect me...I can't even remember all of what happened earlier this week.
I feel so worn out from band, so crappy from all the guy issues, sad for the fact that Nic will be moving in the middle of the school year, and horrible from the way I feel as though I'm leading Ricky on...It doesn't take a genius to realize that he likes me, but I don't know if I like him...and I don't know if I don't like him.
Confusing?
I know.
I just don't want to hurt him. There's nothing else to it.
I don't know if I want a boyfriend right now. It's not like I can tell him that though...
I don't even know why he likes me in the first place...
lol...Nic-"uh oh, he's all up in my kool-aid."
That made me laugh...I'm gonna miss ya hun..=(
It's already weird enough that Aaron graduated. I mean, what's that? What is school without that goofy kid? =)
I'm trying to be positive. I'm also trying to stay awake so I can finish The Scarlet Letter...(ew).
but it's a little hard to concentrate and keep my eyes open when I stayed on the phone until 3:30 last night.
Not that it was hard to sit through or anything...=)
I just got 3 hours of sleep... and it's horrible...
*cries* ahh...man. I need to go read. talk to you all later...

ahh...and kristi, don't ever feel hesitant about calling me. even if it's just to say hello. it's not a problem. i'd love that. ((ohh..good luck with coach moran...haha...))
I thought it was funny...=)

Haley

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Subject:	change sucks.
Time:	11:36 pm.
Mood:	exhausted.
Music:	Ben Harper-Walk Away.

You know what? I hate change. I know we all do it, but why does it have to happen in the most drastic ways...in ways that I can't even deal with...ways that I don't quite know how to deal with. At first it was more of a "okay...whatever..." reaction. and now I'm feeling hurt, rejected, whatever else fits.

--If you read this, ...whatever. I don't feel like talking about it. So don't ask. Just make assumptions. That seems to be everyone's specialty.--

I'm tired of being ditched and ignored.
I'm tired of having people tell me I complain too much.

I'm sorry. That's just how I am. If you honestly have that big of a problem with it to where you can't stand being around me, then go away. I'm not making you talk to me. Thanks. Have a great day.

Another thing.
I didn't have such a problem with this until recently, when I noticed that you have become a very harsh person. even more so than you are now.

I'm pretty sure what really set me off was when we all agreed to meet each other at the mall, right?
So me, maureen, and adam are waiting in foley's for 10 minutes...
then 20...
then 30...
then 45.

we waited in foley's for 45 fucking minutes.
did the three of you show up? no
but you did decide to go to starbucks...
then an hour later, you all decide to call and tell us that you went to starbucks.
how very nice of you.
wow.
real friends right there.
i admire you.
really.
if you're going to ditch me, at least have the decency to be real about it.
that pissed me off like no other.
you don't have to hang out with me.
you've probably found someone better and totally refreshing.
just don't act this way.
it makes me dislike you more and more each day.
it's not flattering.

i don't know what makes you think you're better than me.
or maybe you don't think that, you just act that way.
but it hurts.
it really does.
and i never thought you'd be the person to do this to me.
never.

i'm starting to doubt that you're even a close friend...or that you were to begin with.
i won't bother you.
i won't intrude on the oh-so-holy-drumline-that-has-yet-to-win-first-in-anything groups. (second, or third even.)
i really don't know what makes you guys think you're better than the rest of us.
get over yourself, and when you decide to come back to reality, then we can talk.

i'm done. i'm wasting my time. what's new.

haley.

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Time:

6:54 pm.

This post is for my own ridiculous pleasure and pointless ranting.

Well, lately, my mom has been quite a...err, I'm not sure. a paranoid Nazi, basically. About a week ago, I got into a car wreck. It sucked. I was with two of my friends...we were on the way to go swimming, we went to Sonic first, pulled out of the parking lot headed right, but decided that we should have gone left, so Kayla makes a U-turn in the middle of the road without looking, and a car hit us. None of us were hurt, but only because the car that hit us was so small. If it had been a truck, we would all be dead or in critical condition. That scared me so bad. But it would scare anyone, right? I'm just happy I'm still here.
--So after the accident, my mom was like "you aren't riding with Kayla anymore, to anywhere."
then today, we decide to go swimming, and my mom gets completely pissed off. Sure, what's new? But really. It was a mistake. My mother thinks I'm a failure, nothing is never quite up to par for her...ever.

Then last night James came over, and I was so so so effin tired, so I wasn't at all talkative. I think he expected it to be a big social thing. But it wasn't, because I had been at band camp all day. It was so hot, almost unbearable. So I came home, took a shower, laid on the couch, and just fell asleep. So I hear a doorbell ring somewhere in there, and it's James of course. He comes in, we watch Almost Famous, which he thinks sucks anyways ((but quite frankly, I could care less, because I really like that movie, so screw him.)) It was a little awkward because I know he has liked me, and apparently I 'lead him on'. I'm pretty sure he was expecting me to make a move, only because I know he wouldn't be a person to make the first move himself. But after awhile, it was pretty obvious that I wasn't going to do anything...I just don't like him. It's nothing against his personality or his looks, I consider him a really good friend of mine, and he's not at all ugly.

It's just that we don't belong together. It doesn't feel right. I'm probably being stupid about all of this, but I don't know how else to get my point across. People never seem to understand the words "I just want to be friends". Those words must be the mother of all confusing phrases. Because the other person never gets it. I wasn't trying to be a bitch when I talked to him last night, I just get tired of repeating myself. And they always try to make you feel guilty, with the "girls will never like me as more than a friend...". bLah! I get tired of hearing that. Oh so very very tired of it. It made me feel so low about myself when my friend told me what he said about the whole situation...
"I'll forget everything, ever since she opened that door and I saw her for the first time."
--I can't help that I don't like you as more than a friend, I just wish you could see that hun. =/ I can't force something to happen. I'm not going to, and neither should you.

I've felt so stupid lately. Because I've been thinking about all the guys that I've had a chance with, but I just pushed them away, and sure, I didn't like them, but you should take what you can get, right? That sounds so lame. But really...I could have had many guys, but I just decided that we didn't belong together, or maybe some small detail about them annoyed me...Ricky, Nic, James, James, Sean, Adam. I'm so retarded, I don't even know where to begin. And now I feel like a big loser for passing all of those opportunities up.

I was talking to Adam, but he was too emotional for me. So I told him I'd call him, but never did.
James S. was a whore.
Ricky was too goofy at times. But now he's super cool...
Nic..well, Nic Nic Nic...I never saw him this summer...that would have been cool.
James...too good of a friend.
Sean was a bit...uhh, stalkerish.

But I'm still friends with all of them, except for Adam. I don't even know anymore.
I'm done ranting about anything and everything.
Later guys..

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Subject:	you are annoying me. greatly.
Time:	12:19 pm.
Mood:	aggravated.
Music:	Vertical Horizon-Grey Sky Morning.

Let me just start with this:
Your life is not that bad. As horrible as you think it may be, it really isn't. There are so many things to live for, and be happy about. Jesus, it's like you starve for attention or something...but I'm sorry, I'm not going to pity you at all. It's not deserved. Live life for the moment, and stop worrying about what's going to happen when you grow up and don't get married. Be positive. For once. Please. I hate seeing you "depressed", because I know you are not depressed (in a clinical way, anyways.). If you were "depressed", you wouldn't just LOVE the fact that you are depressed. It doesn't work that way. I've been there, and it's not "fun" or "soothing". I don't even know what exactly you mean by "soothing", because I don't remember having that feeling at all. The only thing I wanted was for it all to go away. But to hear you say that you manipulate situations to make them end up bad, that's just retarded. So okay, here's my point. If you love your "depression" so much, then don't bitch about it. I know it is your xanga, and you have the right to put whatever you damn well feel like putting in there, but you look a bit stupid when you put "God, I'm so depressed!" for the first 342343 sentences, then the last sentence might be something along the lines of,"I love being depressed. It's soothing." That just looks completely stupid. Even if you say you don't want attention, you're getting attention by saying just that. Take a step back and look at yourself. Really. This hasn't even annoyed me until when I read that you were just wallowing in your own self-pity, and LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT.
There two types of people I can't stand in the world. Stupid people, and people that feel sorry for themselves.
Please don't become that kind of person.
I don't understand.
Maybe I'm not trying.
I just don't understand you.
At all.

Haley

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Subject:	.....nothing really.
Time:	1:03 am.
Mood:	nervous.
Music:	The Spill Canvas-The Tide.

I feel a fight coming on with my mom...ahh. Sometimes I just hate the tension. I wish she would just get all of her anger out in one burst instead of holding this horrible grudge against me. It sucks man...cause normally, when you're mad at someone, you avoid them, but it's really hard to avoid someone that lives in the same house.
I just love how she makes it her personal mission to get me in front of everyone in the family while she's chewing me out for whatever I did wrong...It's like:
"Kaitlyn, come see what NOT to do when you grow up."
But then again, when she gets me in private, or tells me to throw away or delete certain things, I know it's only because she's ashamed of me. She doesn't want anyone else in our family to know about the little dramatic quarrels we often go through.
I don't know what to be. If I knew a way to make her happy and myself happy, I would be on it...no questions asked. But I can't please her without disappointing myself, and if I'm remotely happy at all, it means that she's fuming out of her ears. Sometimes it just seems like that's what she wants. To see me suffer.
ahh, jesus, I sound like a 13 year old who has the attitude "ahh! no one has the same problems as me! wah wah wah..."
but I'm really not trying to sound that way. I'm just incredibly tired and moody.
One thing that sticks out in my mind right now is awhile back...when my mom found one of my journals...and she demanded that I threw it away...because someone might find it. After all, our family doesn't need to know about my little self-destruction stage. I remember being so mad...and literally fighting back tears, because the last thing I wanted was my mom knowing that she could get through to me. So after about an hour of listening to her lecture about everything I had done wrong, about how she had failed as a parent, etc....I started walking off, and just burst into tears...she apparently heard me, and just gave me this huge hug...we were both crying and trying to apologize at the same time, and I remember feeling so awkward, because it's not a normal thing to just say "i love you"...I wish it was, but that's just not the case. "do you need to go back to the doctor? do we need to get you on something else haley? i don't want to see you hurt anymore...and it hurts me to hear and see you say these things...i can tell you aren't happy, just tell me what to do..."...and I remember thinking..."wow...this is what it feels like to feel like your parents love you...". and I swear...as hectic as that moment was, standing in the entryway in my house at midnight crying with my mom was one of the better moments in our relationship...My mother loved me. I could tell my mother loved me. I loved her. I want that back.

hmm...touchy subject...moving on...

urm...Maureen bought tickets to the John Mayer/Maroon 5 concert...
and I get to go with her.
(hey, i don't have to pay...and John Mayer is a really good guitarist. and quality time with one of my favorite peoples! so hush.)
=D

I wish i had more friends on here...hmm...oh well. it's an internet journal. maybe i'll join a community or something...yes. that's what I'll do. =D
i'm lame, i know.

later guys,
haley

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Subject:	yum. sleeping pills. smile
Time:	11:45 pm.
Mood:	content.
Music:	Bright Eyes-Waste of Paint.

Well, this week's been fairly interesting. I've had Starbucks pretty much every night...then the lake. ahh, the lake. I love it. I love how if you get there at just the right time, the moon casts down its reflection on the water, which leaves just enough light to make your way through the woods...but then again, it's sad, because by that time, there's no telling who/what is in the forest, so we never get the nerve to go. The mosquitos are enough reason to not even go out there in the first place. Hell, I probably have West Nile and I don't even know. Even wearing jeans and a regular t-shirt isn't enough to keep them away...hmm..quite depressing. I love going to the lake when it's extremely dark, the sky is clear, and the stars are brighter than ever...(or so it seems)...swinging underneath the massive blanket above me..just thinking about my future, and what I'll do with myself after high school. Jesus, I sound lame..but honestly. I really haven't quite figured out why or when my obsession with stars took place...One thing I want before I die is a star. I want a star of my own. I want it to be named after me, and I want the person that gives it to me to love me...and I'll love them. ahh..so beautiful. I get all giddy just thinking about it. How pathetic, right? ha...I could care less what you think, actually. I love sitting on the swings wondering who all has been there before...wondering how many first kisses have been shared...how many people have wondered the exact same things as me on that exact same swing while looking up at the exact same sky. It's amazing how the little things in life can be given so much thought to...

I know I want to be a psychologist...I want to have that profession so bad..but I know there is no way I'm staying in school for 10 years. It's so depressing to me..just to admit it to myself. =/ ugh...

I want to live in Cali. I really, really, really do. If I don't move out of Texas, I just might shoot myself. ha...nah, I'm kidding. but I will be beyond disappointed... =( It 's just so expensive..and I don't know how I'll pay for it. ha, it's cool. Maureen and I will find a way to survive out there...in some way.

I would like to take this space to give credit to Conor Oberst, for being the beautiful genius he is. I love it. I love emotional guys...but only to a certain point. When I think I'm wearing the pants in the relationship, then yeah...it's time to go.

I remember the A Perfect Circle concert, even now...3 months after. Isn't it amazing how the little things stick in your mind...? The synchronized singing drowning out Maynard's lovely voice...the smell of weed trapped inside this huge arena...everyone dancing and flailing about, not caring who was there, or who was watching. It was absolutely amazing. The people you meet at concerts always seem to be the most interesting people...like in Fight Club, the "single serving friends"...I love it. That night was more than just a concert...it wasn't just 2 hours filled with live music...it was a moment in time that I wish I could keep with me always...whenever I felt horrible, and just needed an escape...I remember "3 Libras", and how you couldn't find a single person not singing...it was beautiful....I wish I could have stayed there forever...I love concerts. It's so much more than the music to me...

There are so many days I wish I could just relive again and again...
I miss winter break...everyday at Kristi's house..incense burning...me, Kristi, Adam, and James just hanging out...ah...how I miss you guys. Where did our group go? =/

moving on...

(Bianca)...I'm just surprised and a little hurt at why you would even mention bringing him. I've known you for 11 years Bianca, and I never get to see you because of how far apart we live, and the one time this summer that we might actually get to hang out, you insist on bringing Aaron. It amazes me how you think that it might actually last after high school...It's sad, but very true...Jesus, are you two joined at the hip? I really don't think you have any idea of how awkward it is to be the 3rd wheel in situations. It's almost...embarassing to be with a couple when you don't have anyone of your own. It sucks, Bianca, and I don't know what the hell goes on inside your head. I just want to spend time with my best friend, without having to see you two all over one another..but why should I expect you to care? You guys are "in love"...so it's all good. Carry on.

Well, I found something else out about Laura(dumbass cousin I talked about in the previous post).
She got out of jail, but my brother told me that she got in a fight with a black chick while she was in there, and ended up getting her hand/wrist broke. God, I hate her. I hate people in general. Especially the ones that make you think they might actually care about you. But it's okay. It's fine. Done. Keep believing that your pathetic life might actually go somewhere...you're such a hypocrite, I can't even begin to explain it.

To you:...even though you don't know about this journal...oh well. I can pretend you'll see this, and I can pretend that you might care.
I'm sorry that I told you a couple of days ago I needed "space" because I was at a weird place, emotionally. I know I am at a weird place...that much is true, but I don't need "space". I have no intention of speaking with you again...you may not understand it, but I know it's for the best. This relationship isn't healthy...I'm just sorry I don't have a better reason for this. Believe me when I say this...: I never mean to hurt you. I have NEVER meant to cause you pain. This is hard for me too...and I have nothing more to offer. I'm done...and I'm so sorry this is the way it ends.

Something Corporate-Konstantine
God...that song makes me cry. ONLY that song....I've never even come close to crying in any other song I've ever heard...but as soon as I hear the lyrics:

cause you're afraid to find out all this hope you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
and it did
because of me...

--,I can't help but break into tears...
Oy...I wish I wasn't the way I am.
James is gone for a month.

I always feel like everyone is leaving me.
Reason?
none.

I'm so paranoid. I can't even walk outside at night without a guy by me. I can barely walk downstairs at night...
I mean, I know no one is there to hurt me, so why am I so afraid?
...maybe that's just it though.
No one is there.
No one is ever there.
Even people who hurt me...it's kind of like that line in Lover I Don't Have to Love.

"Love's an excuse to get hurt
and to hurt...
Do you like to hurt?
I do.
I DO.
Then hurt me.

No one to fall back on, no one to tell my deepest secrets to. No one to truly hurt me...because we all know it takes someone that sincerely loves you to really leave a mark on your ego...It sucks, but that's just the way it goes, I guess.
How can I ever trust you if I can't even trust myself? Is it possible to trust someone when you KNOW they don't trust you...? Not even a little? People always say, "Haley, trust me."...but they don't know how hard it is for me to do just that. I wish I could. Life would be so much easier.
I wish I could, because I do love you, I just don't know how to let myself go.

I have nothing to say, so I believe I'm out for the night...maybe I'll go do summer reading. *rolls eyes*...yeah...on a cold day in hell.

Later all.

Haley

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Subject:	And there was never any place, for someone like me to be totally happy.
Time:	10:01 pm.
Mood:	contemplative.
Music:	Something Corporate-Cavanaugh Park.

Well, let's see...today I woke up at 2:00, and for the next 8 hours, I did nothing. *cries* It was extremely weird, because people usually call me, but no one called...at all. So now it's 10:00, and I have nothing to do. I think I might die of boredom. But oh well, it's cool...whatever.

I did watch a movie though... *insert applause here* =D woOt!
-The Butterfly Effect-
It was actually a good movie, minus the fact that it was beyond confusing.
It was really depressing though...=/...because even after Ashton Kutcher tried to change so many things, none of it worked out in the end...well, I guess it did, but not for him. That made me mad...I was really pulling for him! lol...I never thought Ashton Kutcher could play a serious role...but that's just one of the many mysteries man will never solve. =) okay...ashton kutcher talk is done.

-----
I wish I could go back in time and change tons and tons of things about myself. I wouldn't have been so attached to certain people...I wouldn't have been so stupid in situations...
gah...if only that was possible.
That movie just made me feel horrible, and I don't even know why. Oh well. =/
-----

I have nothing to say. I'm just so worn down, and alone time obviously isn't what I need. I've had "alone time" all day, and I'm still stressed. Urrgh....I have to start my summer reading soon. 4 books in basically 1 month. Then I have to write crap about them. UGH....It wouldn't be so bad if the books were just a little bit more understandable. The Scarlet Letter...? No...I'm barely past the first page. Shoot me now. Spark Notes shall lead the way! =D ha...

Wow...you've been back for like..a week, and we still haven't seen you due to all of your plans. Oh well, 1 more week won't be so bad, since we haven't seen you for a month. =)

Alright, I'm out.

*~Haley~*

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Time:	12:15 am.
Mood:	angry.
Music:	Saosin-dunno the song....

So, apparently, Laura(my cousin) is in jail.
This is the only cousin I have ever actually been somewhat close with.
She is completely stupid and immature, and I don't even care if I ever see her again.
So, my brother told me today that this weekend Laura got ridiculously drunk...she had been drinking all day of course, because what else is there to do when you can't keep a job? So her bf that she's mooching off of comes home from work, and Laura is drunk off her ass...she's a belligerent drunk btw...always wanting to start fights...So she starts hitting Jeremiah, yelling at him. Jeremiah calls my brother and asks him to come get her or else he'll call the cops and have her arrested. My brother didn't pick up the phone, so Jeremiah called the cops. The cops show up, and Jeremiah tells her that if she calms down, she can stay there...but nooooooo, Laura's gotta be the little rebel that she's always been, and she's like,"FUCK NO I'M NOT CALMING DOWN! FUCK THAT!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!!", yeah, you get it. All of this was said in front of the cops, so Jeremiah's like,"eh...take her". So she's in jail.
I hate you Laura. I hate how you moved here a while back and just TRIED to start drama, wherever you could. I hate how you always acted like you cared about me. It's bullshit. I hate how you constantly CRAVE attention. I hate how you always say,"Oh, well I've had a hard life..it's been so hard." You know what? You've had way too long to get your shit together, and so many people in our family have reached out to you, trying to help you in any way they can...but what did you do in that situation? Oh yes, you screwed all of us over. You've always been a druggie, you've always been a moocher, you've always been the way you are now, and you know that you haven't tried to change. Angela asked you to watch Brooks...and what do you do with that opportunity? You steal from her. Her wedding ring, Laura??? How low of a person can you be? You stole movies from your 6 year old nephew. All for your little drug habits that you just can't seem to kick. You're such a pathetic person, and our whole family has caught on to everything you do. I never felt sorry for you...well, no, I take that back. I do feel sorry for you, because you will never change. You will always be the same pathetic, helpless, lazy, greedy, immature person we've all grown up with. Grow up, Laura. Wake up. The real world is waiting for your ass. You chose to drop out of school...so now you get what you deserve. Live with it.
I hate the dysfunction in my family.
I hate you.

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Time:	3:32 pm.
Mood:	amused.
Music:	Bright Eyes-A Perfect Sonnet.

Well...I haven't actually written in here in a while...I guess I'm just sidetracked from all the super fun stuff I'm doing! *feel the sarcasm* =)...but yeah.
Recently, a really close friend of mine(who happens to be a guy), just stopped talking to me for no reason at all. So of course, I think it has something to do with something I might have done..or said...or maybe someone told him something that wasn't true. urrrgh...it's just so frustrating, because I've been nothing but nice to him ever since I met him, and I thought we were pretty good friends now.
But apparently, it has nothing to do with me. He's telling everyone,"It's for her."
James, get some self esteem, please. You don't annoy me...and I'm past the whole ordeal with you liking me...I thought you were too...? But obviously you aren't...maybe you just need time to grow up...and when you do, come back and talk to me, cause I miss ya...=(...

----
Earlier this week, I watched the movie How to Deal, with Mandy Moore and Trent Ford(yum...)
...and normally, I'm like...yeah, just another teenage cheesy movie...
but I dunno why this one was so different.
I guess I just wish guys were really like that, even though I know it's stupid to even think it's possible.
Macon(the guy in the movie) is just so sincere in everything he does...and I love it.
I wish life was like some big movie...or some cheesy little sitcom show where all of the characters' problems are resolved in the 30 minute time period they are given. You would never have to feel the same way about a broken heart again, because I mean, come on...it's a known fact that in the movies, someone way better than you ever imagined will come along, and make you totally forget about the first guy who hurt you so bad...and the second guy would be everything the first one wasn't, plus much more nice to look at...*sigh*...
Why can't there actually be guys like Macon out there?
...besides overly emo boys who think they are the only ones with problems...I hate those.

I can't wait til I move out of Texas...to Cali. It's going to be very awesome... =D =D
Hopefully the guys are different....along with the atmosphere completely...sigh*...we can only hope.

----
The other day Maureen and I were discussing cool kids' names...We came up with so many...woo, go us.
Colin, Conor(or Connor-whatever works), Branon, Gavin, Aaron, Adam, Macon, Ryliegh, Scarlet, Ava,---eh, not so many girls names...lol...we'll think of those later..=D

*~Haley~*

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Subject:	...please read this whole poem...it's very very good, even with how long it is...i promise.
Time:	12:33 am.
Mood:	blank.
Music:	...nothing?.

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Chops"
Because that was the name of his dog.
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his llittle sister was born
With tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him into bed at night
And was always there to do it

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
He wrote a poem
And called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
And asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him
that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids tolf him why
his mother and father kissed alot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a piece of paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M. he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didnt think
he could reach the kitchen.

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