Jess' Blurty
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Below are the 10 most recent journal entries recorded in Jess' Blurty:

    Sunday, November 9th, 2003
    11:54 pm
    This is an original song written by me and my friend Liz.

    Where I Drown

    God are you there, God do you care
    I can't do this on my own
    There people don't see how hard it is to be me
    Why do I crave this thing that kills me

    I wish that I could say
    that I knew what to pray
    Each day i try
    So hard not to cry
    Life passes me by
    Is anyone on my side?
    These people greeting me
    I wonder what they see

    I want to turn my life over to you
    But what will happen to the me I once knew
    Everynight I pray take this obsession away
    I know it won't be easy, but I want to be freed.

    I go about everyday, pondering what next to say
    This plastic grin on my fave, my sins it can't erase
    Behind all my lies, where I try to hide
    My thoughts can't slow down in the bottle where I drown.

    I am struggling alot right now with who I understand God to be. I need Him to help me get through these struggles that I am going through, because I know that I cannot get through them on my own. Only God can help me. My biggest thing right now is trusting and believing that He can help me and that He wants to help me.

    Current Mood: accomplished
    Wednesday, November 5th, 2003
    5:40 pm
    This is where I say I've had enough
    and no one should ever feel the way that I feel now
    A walking open wound
    A trophy display of bruises
    and I don't believe that I'm getting any better... don't be a liar,
    don't say that "everything's working"
    when everythings broken.
    And you smile like a saint
    but you curse like a sailor
    and your eyes say the joke's on me...

    This song is how I feel at this moment. I am fed up, I have had enough of all this bullshit. I have had enough of this school with all of its simple, close-minded, conservative pricks. People who say that they understand things, when really they don't have a clue. Things never seem to get better, only worse every freaking day.
    They are not real people only fake statues of who they wish that they were, something that they could never really be, and it pisses me off.
    I am sick of my family. The way that they pretend to be perfect and have all of their shit together. When really everything is falling apart before their eyes, yet they are to blind and denial-striken to even realize what is happening.
    I am sick of this life that never changes. Always the same feelings and insecurities.
    Right now at this moment I am to exhauseted to deal!

    Current Mood: exhausted
    Current Music: Dashboard Confessionals- "Saints and Sailors"
    Monday, October 27th, 2003
    12:25 pm
    I long to be in control of myself, in control of my world. I want to hear anything besides the screaming in my head, that covers up the silence surrounding me. The fear of being alone surrounds me, almost engulfing me. I feel the panic rising up in my chest, until I can't control it anymore. I can't remember a day when I felt alive. Trusting no one, especially myself. This is no way to live, am I even living at all? I hate my life yesterday, today, and tomorrow. I'm afraid to look in the mirror, afraid of what I might see. A body filled with nothing but shame, emtiness.
    I say I'm tired, I say I', weak. I say it so loud, although I can hardely speak. My thoughts come out in a silent hush, throughout my mind my words do rush. Along with the most silent cry, constantly fighting the urge to die. I speak of a silence no longer there, and how it seems that no one cares. A lingering thought fills my head of a tomorrow I do dread. I speak of a last hope. A lost tomorrow in all my dreams. I said it loud enough today, but no one heard what I had to say.
    The tears that hurt the most are the ones that don't fall. When you're so empty inside, that nothing comes out at all. The smiles that hurt the most are the forced ones, the kind that a good friend has to work for. The laughs that hurt the most are not the ones at you, but the happy ones of other people that you do not want to burden. The words that hurt the most don't come from bitter arguments, but the words of acceptance cutting so sharpely that they barely sting. The thought that hurts the most is the knowledge that this is not the first time, and I am alone again.

    Current Mood: apathetic
    Tuesday, October 21st, 2003
    11:45 am
    Randomness is all around. Contemplating the irrationalities that linger on my brain and lips... I don't know how to express all these thoughts that are running through my head. I never thought it was possible to feel perpetual rain, I never thought I was beyond repair. Disorder covers me, chaos intruding my mind. I stand back to far away and inhale the corrosion. It seems as though everything around me is beginning to fade. I can no longer seperate darkness from day. There is a constant heaviness on me all the time, never going away. Nobody seems to know what to say... So I stare off into space. Looking into someones eyes you can see who they really are, like the window to there souls. So what do people see when they look into my eyes? Do they see a me that I can't even begin to see? If they saw the 'real' me I think they would be unsatisfied. They'd see all the fear, all the shame, all the pain. All this hurt that stays bottled up inside, never fully coming out entirely, only a little bit at a time. It seems to be gone and go away, but then it all comes back and I fall like unsuspecting prey. I fall weak to my knees unable to control my surroundings or myself. I realize what its like to be around a mass amount of people and fell more alone than you've ever been.
    Life is like being standed at sea. Why try to swim to the shore, there is no hope of ever reaching it. You swim and swim, until your body can't take anymore. As soon as you stop swimming, you're pushed out farther than you were before. I have no strength left to fight in this life, all of my defenses have been torn down.
    Misery haunts me. I am tangled in this constant web of emptiness. I just feel so hopeless, helpless. I feel that no matter what I do I will hurt somebody, somewhere. The fog is so thick and its hard to see, even whats right in front of me. Scared to know what I'll find, when I look down, deep inside. All there is, is black. Like I've been covered in a blanket of fear. It's hard to get throught the present, let alone forget the past, so what does that say about the future? Days are dark, nights are darker. I see everything in grim depair. It feels like I'm losing a battle, but have i even begun to put up a fight?

    Lost in the wilderness, all the possibilities are limitless. The patient is losing consciencness. Life is fading before her eyes, she's planing out her own demise. This light, this prayer, this life, this pain. It all fades away.

    Current Mood: contemplative
    Current Music: Stained-"Awhile"
    11:01 am
    Kevin Spacey
    This is a quote from Kevin Spacey's character in "American Beauty." This quote seems very true and slightly messed up.

    "I feel as though I am floating through an ocean of time. It's hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once. My heart fills up like a balloon that is about to burst. And then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it. Then it flows through me like rain. I can't feel anything but graditude for every single moment of my stupid, little life. You have no idea what I am talking about I'm sure, but don't worry you will someday...

    How profound. How is it that Spacey's character sees all this beauty when so many fucked up things happened to him. I give at this point in my life I cant understand that. But like he said someday I will.

    Current Mood: thoughtful
    Tuesday, October 7th, 2003
    6:16 pm
    Today I got back my Religion test from last week back. I made a 78% and that excites me because I thought that I did a lot worse. Thursday starts Fall Break. We don't have classes Thursday or Friday. I am excited about not having class, but I am not excited about going back to my home town. I am not going to my parents house, but I know that I will end up seeing them. I'm staying at my aunt's house and they know that, so they'll probably come over there to see me. I really hope that they don't though. I just don't feel like putting up with their crap, they freakin piss me off. I hate even talking to them on the phone. I don't know.

    Current Mood: blank
    Current Music: John Mayer
    Monday, October 6th, 2003
    4:36 pm
    all nighter...
    I stayed up all night and studied for my Biology 101 test. I think that I made alleast a B. I am excited. I worked my butt off for that test, I have to bring my grade up from a D to a B. It is going to be hard, but I am willing to work until I go crazy. Which is what I feel like doing right now. I am so tired, but I know if I go to sleep right now I won't sleep tonight. And that would suck because I have to get up at 7 in the morning tomorrow. I am nervous about getting the test back, because what if I don't make the grade that I think I did? I would be pissed.
    We had to take a stress test in CC-100 class today. A score of 30 is normal, 50 is stressed, and 80 is stressed to the point of it being unhealthy. I got a 75. Good to know that I am not crazy, but I'm just stressed. Or maybe my craziness is causing my stress. Who knows?

    Current Mood: anxious
    Current Music: Candi Pearson-"Small Enough"
    Sunday, October 5th, 2003
    5:18 pm
    I wish I knew what is wrong with me. I don't ever want to do anything anymore, I don't care. I have to force myself to get up everyday, get dressed, and eat. I have no inspiration or motivation.
    I seem to have no desire to read the bible, pray, or go to church. I don't really know what direction my life is headed in. I don't know why I'm at Louisiana Baptist College. I came here thinking that I knew what I wanted to do, what I believed in, and who I was. But I guess I was wrong.
    I thought that I was going to be a foreign missionary, but now I feel like a big hypocrite and that is something that I never want to be or come across as. I'm confused right now.
    I thought I knew all the things that I believed in, but now I am skeptical. I don't really know or understand what I believe. I feel very frustrated.
    I've always thought that I new who I was. But this summer I realized that I have absolutely no idea.I put on this mask around everybody. Different masks for different crowds. But which mask is the real me? Does it really even matter, should I just continue doing what I am doing?
    I don't really care though. I don't care what people think or what they say. Do they even matter? I really don't know.

    This weekend wasn't good either. It was "Mom's weekend", where all the girls mothers come up and spend the weekend with me. Well, I don't have a mom and my step-mom hates me, so my aunt came. That was great I had a blast with her. It just sucks to see all these girls and their mothers, with their perfect little lives. It made me very depressed.

    Current Mood: discontent
    Current Music: Sum 41
    Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
    1:42 pm
    what the crap!
    I don't understand why i study if i just make bad grades. I'm studying for Bio and Religion, but I don't really see the point. It is aggravating. I studied my butt off for a Civ test and a Bio test and I made 68s on both of them. So now I have three D's isn't it great. When I study i know the material, then I take the test or quiz and I draw a blank. I don't really know what to do. It is just pissin me off right now.

    Current Mood: confused
    Current Music: Ten mile drive
    12:25 pm
    blah blah
    Blah Blah, that is what everyday is to me. It just seems as though nothing ever changes. Everyday is the same to me. I'm in college now and I thought that my life would be so different. The truth is that it isn't really any different. I moved away from home, so I don't have my parents telling me what to do all the time. Other than that I feel exactly the same. Probably even worse.
    I just seem to get by everyday. Things never seem to get better. A friend told me last night, "don't complain unless you are willing to try and change the situation." I want things in my life to change, but I don't know what to do to change them.
    I moved here, away from everything I knew as comfortable. I sort of knew my roommate before I came and I had a few other friends. But I came here to get away from everyone that I knew. So that I could find myself. Sort of a journey of self discovery. Only I am finding that the person I see when I look in the mirror, I don't like very much. I don't get it. i wanted to find out who I really was, but I still don't know who I am. Or who I want to be for that matter.
    So as of this moment I am getting by.

    Current Mood: blah
    Current Music: Dashboard Confessionals