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Saturday, September 24th, 2005
1:32 am - in mycah's words...
fuck you and your fucking lightbulb.
love to david mamet and the atlantic theatre company for my allowed usage of the word fuck.
(example to follow shortly)

I heard you wrote a song
but so what
some guy wrote 69
and one just ain't enough

fuck you and your fucking guitar

current mood: wtf
current music: jack johnson, dreams be dreams

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Monday, December 6th, 2004
11:39 pm - shaking a tower
sometimes the best moments, are the moments before.

the moment before you fall asleep
the moment before you dive into the ocean
the moment before he answers his cell phone
the moment before you.... ya know
the moment before you open your paycheck
the moment before the curtain rises
the moment before it begins to snow
the moment before the movie starts
the moment before the sun sets
the moment before you say yes
the moment before you unwrap that present
the moment before a kiss
the moment before you say i love you, when those are the only three words you can possible think to utter...

current mood: loved
current music: guster mix c/o ben's computer

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Saturday, November 27th, 2004
11:26 pm - cheerios
there's something about tradition... about familiarity and security that can appeal, i think, to even the bravest wanderer, the most independant nomad in the world. not a life of it, but just a day, a weekend, a moment of predictability and comfort.

ben's grandfather cooked a fabulous meal. but green beans aren't the same as green bean casserole w/ extra french's onions on the left side just for me. and there weren't any sweet potatoes w/ marshmellows on top. granted, i dont actually eat sweet potatoes... but they're supposed to be there. ya know? i had an amazing trip... but that's just something to think about.


reading this book is like... therapy. like having a conversation w/ someone who understands everything you've been through, and then so much more. only there isn't the agony of trying to put your past into words. there's no stress, no fear, no potential reprecussions... only understanding, and peace, and a sense of connection. isn't that what everyone craves, whether they know it or not? everyone longs to feel connected... for that "im not quite as alone as i thought i was" sigh of relief. so many times we think it's better to seperate ourselves, we fool ourselves into thinking that we're the only ones who have ever thought, felt, experienced a certain thing... when deep inside we're dying to have someone pat our hands and nod in understanding.


he has a different family connection than i do. most people do. i care less. it matters less. i dont understand him sometimes.

current mood: relaxed
current music: silence

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Thursday, October 28th, 2004
9:27 pm - im sorry if i dont tell you enough
i forgive him.

"i do see those things in you. i mean what the hell do you think intelligence is? its mostly curiosity... having the courage to explore things, to want to know and then to search and to do and find and still want more. curiosity.. and look at what you're doing. that passion is there and ... ... talking about theatre and every play we see and people we know and aspirations and drive and willingness to... come on, what about that isn't passion and intelligence? i see it."

"i realized, and i dont think a lot of people know this about reh, that she has/had a lot more passion than she does intelligence. that what she lacks in thoughtfulness and exploration or curiousity and knowledge, she made up for in passion so people were blinded. but it ended up getting to me ya know? it just wasn't enough, too on the fence and too, i dont know a lot of illogical things."

and today.

"...eating dinner and i kept on doing it and you kept laughing that ridiculously loud laugh you have! nono its a good thing... that whole body laughter and you throw your head back... a lot of people laugh uncontrollably but its more than that, its just loud and big and ... its great"

thats what he had said about her. her laugh.. how big and moving it was. i was...stunned.

but right now, im thirsty.

current mood: thirsty
current music: son of a preacher man

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Thursday, October 14th, 2004
12:50 am - be glad im just a drop out
so rebecca robbed a bank.... where to begin?
a. who fucking robs banks? its the year TWO THOUSAND AND FOUR. if pop culture has done anything for our generation, its shown in movies that YOU GET CAUGHT ROBBING BANKS. how many of us have seen those little feet alarms? or security cameras dammit? or those EXPLODING INK PACKETS they put into envelopes of money SAVED FOR SUCH EVENTS(which, incidentally, is what happend to becca)????
b. what has happened in the past year and a half that makes her rob a bank? i mean really is she that POOR? or BORED? or what?
c. who is this guy? older, obviously a fuck up. and made HER give them the note.
d. A NOTE. a gun? really? what the hell, man.

cheryl, liz, and i pretty much had the same reaction. which brings up an interesting point... something like this is what for the first time in a long time, had the three of us connected randomly. ugh im tired so im leaving this alone. for now.

tova and i went to BKLYN the musical tonite... it was so good to see her, talked a ton at dinner before, shes doing WELL!! and she looks good, she's changed a lot for the better, it seems, and im happy for her. i definitely think ill see more of her, which is randomly awesome.

ben gets to the city tomorrow. praise the sun.

i have to sleep.

current mood: indescribable
current music: my "its sooo good" playlist. you dont get it.

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Tuesday, October 5th, 2004
7:52 pm - twelve angry men.
read this quote on ashley burgess' away message:
"And I tried so hard to resist when you held me in your handsome fist, and reminded me of the night we kissed and of why I should be leaving."
-Susan Vega
annnnd thats all i have to say about that. (anyone know who susan vega is?)

"everyone really likes you two. no other supervisors are going to say this to you, so i thought id tell you. we had our little "strategy meeting" this afternoon. thats what that was all about today danielle (in reference to his training me on the new computer system) you're going to start doing a lot of the things i do so i can concentrate on some more specific things. you two are great hires and everyone sees it, it means more work for you, but be proud." - zack. to me and michelle in the elevator this afternoon. that was nice.

i feel like, as a rule, people don't know how to let things go and move forward with their lives. or even if they move forward, there's still a safety rope tied to these things and to their wrist. i can't decide if its unwillingness to let go, or if they really don't know that they can. but my lord, i think the time comes! sure there was shit but we're all in such different places now i hardly feel like it matters. we're all different people with different lives and priorities, why can't we be those people together now, as opposed to resorting back to the feelings and fears and bullshit we held on to back then? it has to be something to do with her, deep down inside of her that she doesn't realize is wrong. i think that if she is truely at such a fantastic place in her life, then this wouldn't be an issue. im just sorry that it had to effect other people and their plans and things. what he and i share doesn't.. SHOULDNT affect her in any way. and although i know it isn't to do with me, and i have no guilt in the matter, it is still unfortunate, as so many things are.

ben's coming in about a week (next mon-wed ish). which is going to be so strange. so fantastically wonderful, but still so odd. hard to get used to...i keep mixing pieces of my world. it will be so fabulous, even if i only see him a couple times a week, it will make me so... happy. funny that when i think im searching for a huge, elaborate word- happy is the only one that genuinely fits. never have i known a happiness as i do in him. as a FRIEND, as a companion, a peer, a fellow artist, thinker, functioning human being. his thoughts and conversation. wow. saturday morning i woke up in my new bedroom of my new apartment lying with him and i swear to you i WOKE UP smiling. i was so happy. content. alive. i wonder if there are other people like him in the world? and i wonder if there are any girls (or boys for that matter) who know them like i do, and who are so grateful like i am. after talking with paul about it, i started musing over the things ben and i truely have in common, what makes his thought process so real and appealing, what our time together is like, how long i will love him. the last was the easiest...ill love him forever. even if we end up across the world from each other. there's no way, even if we dont speak, that i could ever forget the impact he's made upon me, how deeply and truely he's touched me, and there's no way i could ever not love him for it.

my new sheets are here, the other thoughts and topics must wait. :) happy fall

current mood: cold
current music: imagine all the people...

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Sunday, September 26th, 2004
12:38 pm - do you steal?
'no but i used to' i didnt even remember telling ben about that. he does listen.

apartment = morgan ave off of the L train. Paul. blue room. keys. deposit. oct 1. cash! danny... safe? done.
job = monday. 930 "testing the waters" dean. income. income. income. scared. nervous young. income.

soraya and i had a pretty good talk tonight. she complimented me hugely. she told me that i seemed to peaceful, that i had a balance in me and a moderate way about me. that was more of a compliment than anyone could ever know i think. im trying to desperately to keep myself some kind of stable lately.

...i started this entry last night but my comp got screwed up. i have nothing today so im being lethargic. and finishing the entry...

ben said one time "it takes a looonng time... or it did for me... to get to a calm place in your life" and im no where near there, but im on my way. really working hard at it. i was looking at pictures last night, going thru my comp putting new ones in and looking at a ton from wheaton. remembering that i did have a great year. i got nostalgic at the pictures w/ carissa, i mean things turned out shitty, yeah... but man did we have fun. i guess its just a shame how things can take turns for the worse. same with matt. eh i dont feel like getting into it now. gonna nap :)

current mood: calm
current music: jack johnson

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Friday, September 24th, 2004
8:23 pm - thank you universe...
i sit in unmeasured anticipation for my cell phone to vibrate. i have noting to do but listen to the traffic outside and hope to make time pass by typing who knows what onto a page that who knows who will read.
amazing, more than anything i couldve imagined. granted i was sick (damn those adoreable cats) but i didnt care. at the golf course where ben used to work we picked blueberries off the bush and ate them (a first for me). it was so cool.. there's something very natural about eat things right out of the earth, it felt really good for some reason, i loved it. We also went apple-picking at an orchard w/ hillary (his youngest sister) which was another first, and oh so amazing as well. its just a whole different life up there. we talked about how different our childhoods were, essentially opposite and we wouldnt have really know except that now we've both been to each other's states/homes. haha we walked through the woods and he showed me all the treeforts they built when he was young, it was so cute, he was very nostalgic seeming and excited, a lot of youth returning to him even as he talked about it. the beaches are very pretty there... perfect for "little people" hahaha and skipping stones. something about being in his highschool and looking at his old stuff (benny's BIG collection of foreign money, sports cards, and much much more!) was just so sweet, it made me so happy to see all the pictures and hear stories about "crime wave" hehe and stuff like that. "you have ideas and dreams and thoughts and goals." he just always know exactly what to say to me.

things are coming together, and im getting stronger and more able by the day. im learning a lot about people and business and life... i learn more everyday here. the office i start work at on monday is on 47th and broadway, the window looks right out onto times square basically.

i want to be a stage manager. mmm im going to be a stage manager. elizabeth and i are hopefully going to get together tomorrow night, that should be nice. im looking forward to seeing her, catching up. we're very... how i thought we would be. i feel like in 20 years we'll be the same thing. randomly see each other every year or every few months. always that connection that doesn't every completely leave. its very 'summer sisters' which IS interesting. shes very caitlin.. with the never being satisfied and having money and doing fabulous things and going to europe. and im very vix... elizabeth even said (accidentally no less) "god danielle youre so... grownup" after i told her about my job/apt and everything. thats a quote from the book, caitlin to victoria.

its so strange to think that cheryl elizabeth and i used to be inseperable. CDE bff, god can't remember the last time i said that outloud. im curious as to what it would be like if the three of us got together sometime soon. i mean i really can't remember the last time we were all in the same room together... id love to have that happen soon... maybe if cheryl comes up this winter. et guessed that it was "somethings afoot" - the last time we were all together, shes gotta be right. dayyyyum. this is ridiculously long so im done, but i dunno if i can handle being idle until lear calls about the apt, so i might be back. ciao to my beloved audience (of zero).

current mood: anxious
current music: mike benjamin

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Sunday, September 12th, 2004
9:04 pm - get the door, its dominos
so, i did NOT receive a call from dock's... who said i was "the best interveiw ive had all week!" which means, if i dont hear from "dean" tomorrow, ill be a sad, sad girl. ill have to start all over basically... make 344732 copies of my resume again, fill out 1434 more applications. and still, no income. this sucks. i went shopping w/ my mom today and bought "work clothes" hah, how necessary. it IS nice to have everything free all week. but still, no income.

i getta move in to the greenpoint house the 17th, which rocks (i love stephanie!). only mike hasn't called me back... huh.

ya know, the only upside to this whole occupational travesty is the prospect of MAINE. crossing my fingers...! its nice that ben's online lately, takes the whole "calling pressure" (hehe) away, and just the littlest bit of communication each day is nice, its what i need. i DO miss him, im just craving being around somone i really love being around.

train of thought... gone. (choo choo...) ahem, cheryl.

current mood: full
current music: six feet under

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Saturday, September 11th, 2004
6:25 pm - dean
he was funny and well dressed and professional and good looking. he has only been there a few months and is hiring people? he was so self-assured and young! his glass and his black curly hair did well for his face, and his shoes were worn yet newish. he knew so much about theatre and was so personable. i want this job so badly. i have absolutely no idea if i have a shot at it, but i felt like it was a place i could really start building a career.

current mood: hopeful
current music: television

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Friday, September 10th, 2004
12:13 pm - peggy sue.
so my mother is coming to town, um, today. yeah. i know. she wanted to get out of florida for the next hurricane (ivan) thats gonna hit, but didnt want to go to tenn. plus i think she thinks shes rescuing me from spanish harlem for a week (which she is...) and so is making it seem like shes dyyying to come when in fact its more for me than her. or both, i dont know. BUT i am glad to getta stay in a hotel for a week for FREE. and free food, free blah, familiar face, NOT soraya's floor... all that = glad she's coming. but im afraid that all of the goodness that's been created between us since ive been here (ive had no one else to call!) might get icky again when im actually around her. who knows... its just a week. this is the longest month in the universe.

and also... maybe maine! yikes, breakfast, then mom! mmm cross your fingers

current mood: okay
current music: james = violen

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Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
4:18 pm - greenpoint.
and so i wonder, what posesses one human being to say something like that to another? and is it some sort of omen or sign or warning? or do i not believe in them? and if i dont, then does stephanie being from plantation mean nothing even though id like it to? did i make the right decision? what if i can't find anyone come november? what if i dont NEED to find anyone come november...

the days are going by so slowly.

i have two interviews tomorrow.

i want urban outfitters to call.

i am shallow.

that is all.

current mood: bored
current music: miley is singing to me over IM

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Saturday, September 4th, 2004
11:31 pm - if anyone had a soul, she did
listening to him tell me about her was probably one of the most difficult, and yet enjoyable experiences ive had in a very, very long time. at times all i could do was smile... i felt like a child listening to her father tell her all about her mother: how he loved her, how amazing she was, how strong their love was...

"i just couldn't get enough of the way she moved"

thats all i could think to compare it to. but then at times... i was fighting tears, straining and holding my breath so that he would go on, so that he wouldn't know how it was KILLING me. i was filled with envy and hurt and an unjustified sense of betrayal. yet i was in awe. how could anyone, i wonder, find something so right. although it ended so awfully... my desire to have that, to have someone speak about me the way he spoke about her... its overwhelming. and i know he thinks of her differently.. but i feel like... no i KNOW that so much of him was invested in them that he's missing pieces now. she changed him... for the worse in some ways. maybe thats unfair of me to say, but i believe it to an extent. but i also believe that she has instilled in him the power and the passion i heard behind his voice while he told me about that 'moment' about the 'glint of sun in her eyes' and about her soul. valentine's day in paris, circles in the ocean...it sounded so surreal and the only comparison of feelings i could find were the ones i felt about him. about how fucking happy i am when im with him. about how i found nothing wrong with our lying in bed all day long and not once putting on clothes until its time to leave the house. how safe he makes me feel... and how he's the closest thing to "home" ive found in years. but again... if im not that for him... then its just not there, and i can't put pressure where it doesn't belong.
but how comforting to hear him say the things he says to me. how sweet he is and how considerate, without meaning to be. his words sometimes immobilize me and leave me speechless. and breathless. how happy i am in his arms...

and so i continue my search for a room in brooklyn... a short term room in hopes that after hes been in LI for a few weeks our ideas will pan out and ill be the happiest girl in new york.

NEW YORK. i live in new york. i heart new york. i AM a part of it... new york, new york.

ben said "its like your a part of this... entity" and its true. its so different than coming on vacation. i am here, and for the most part, amazingly happy. im lonely and bored at times.. but as soon as i have a job, thigs will be good good good. if only i could get in touch with scott...

and so dear friends (altho i think cheryl is the only one who knows this name...) i must depart. but i chose to stay in tonight so odds are ill be back in a bit... im not tired and my mind is all over the place :) ciao bellas.

current mood: all ovah the place
current music: the lullaby of broadway...

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Wednesday, August 25th, 2004
9:57 pm - the next best thing
Hoopsy33: dan and ben are the two greatest guys to walk this earth.
BrwnnEyedGirl320: and we're two of the luckiest girls
BrwnnEyedGirl320: :-)
Hoopsy33: without a doubt. the luckiest.

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12:56 am - gotta start somewhere
was reading elizabeth's entry about home and whatnot... how she can't wait to walk with stu, do all the things she did last year, know her friends are a train ride away, walk thru rain.. la di da. and i started getting scared again, worrying about school, wondering about my decision but i realized. it isn't SCHOOL i want.. it isn't wheaton i want. its LAST year that im feeling nostalgic about.

i dont want to go to wheaton and be a preceptor w/ people i dont know, i dont like. i dont want to live in meadows on the first floor... i dont want to eat in chase. i WANT last year, i want angels and naps and guitar and lullabies (cant spell). i want the first time i saw snow and walking on the pond and riding a train into boston and getting drunk and silly. i want to sleepover for the first time...and kiss for the first time. i want questions and answers and figuring stuff out. i want all that. but that isn't what wheaton would be again for me. itd be a pacifier for my parents. it would be money i dont want to spend. it would be a cushion for me. easy. it would be working for grades i dont care about to keep a scholarship i dont want. it wouldnt be with the person(s) i love... aside from miley. miley and i would have fun. but besides that...okay yeah id MAKE friends, thats the whole idea. but again, it wouldnt be because i wanted to be there, itd be because i was forced or bribed or tricked or duped. or something.

what do i want? no, what do i want that i can have. i want a city and i want freedom. i want money and i want a job. i want theatre and bars and nightlife. i want fall and winter. i want friends, real ones that are hard to come by and amazing to keep. i want music and jam sessions and a cd player. i want trains and walking and hustle and bustle.

ideally he'd be there with me. maybe she would be too, and dan. but maybe eventually... hopefully eventually. if its going to happen, itll happen. doesn't mean im not going to work for it, cuz i will. but it means i can't stress out about it. about any of it.

my car sold, garry uped my salary, dad gave me a break, and we're able to rent a car to get to the city.

elizabeth will be there for the first time i start to freak out.
RENT will be there for when i need to spend money in order to remember why im there.
ill be okay.

im scared... yeah im more scared than ive ever been. but i can do this. i can do...anything. anything for myself. i cant make him be near me, and i can't make my family better.. but i can get a job. and i can budget for myself, and i can work my ass off, and i can purchase plane tickets and theatre tickets and an apartment. and i can move to south america when i want to and i can read whatever i want to.


im not getting ahead of myself. im just... laying all the cards out.

honesty. huh. its funny... i think sometimes that ive fooled myself with him the way i do w/ other people, false love, blind infatuation, all that. letters that are words and not feelings. but then i look back, and i think and compare.. there's no one else in the world like him. no one else who can have the conversations he has. no one else who can be so brutally honest and get away with it. no one else who can make me laugh or smile the way he does, no one else who knows like he does. there is no one id rather be next to than him. not right now anyway. and that's so cool. no matter what happens. i have that. i will always be able to say i had that once. thats awesome.

i should be writing this... stupid online bullshit is such a cop out. but i tend to write more here because its faster... i forget things and get tired when i write.... ehh ill figure it all out sometime.

current mood: la di da
current music: guster... rocketship

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