I don't know what's up with me, but I'm just in a funk tonight. I'm unsettled, just not sure what the hell to do with myself.

I've pretty much decided I won't pursue -- for now -- a part-time teaching position. For starters, I think the only person who really believes I am qualified is my therapist. God knows I want to do this, but I don't have confidence in myself; I feel like there are other leaps I need to take first. The last thing I want to do is send them a letter and info, and then have them call me in to talk. If I go in there not believing I'm capable of doing it, then who am I kidding in thinking they would believe it themselves??

At the same time, I'm trying to figure out if my decision is really a good one, or if its my old negative self telling me once again (as it always has) that its something I can't do. Yeah, this is one of those "WTF am I doing?" moments.

My wife has a way of pushing my buttons when she wants to, and tonight she wanted to. Sometimes I really wonder what the hell she thinks of me. I feel like she's sometimes just cold as hell toward me. Friday night when we went to the movie and ate out, I was ok. Today I've been just an awful bastard. What changed??

I can tell you that I think it disturbs her when I wonder about such things as "what should I be doing?" and wanting to do something bigger, more productive in my life. My wife would say something along the lines of "take out the trash on time, for starters" or something like that. Some days I think she really believes I'm going off the deep end with this therapy business. Am I? I don't think so.

My wife asks me what's on my mind, and after I tell her, she seems uncomfortable and unable to do more than say something like "I don't know how I can help you with that." Changing the subject to something unrelated is another technique she uses.

I think all this questioning I'm doing is making her very uncomfortable; she's probably thinking I'm questioning our relationship. I guess in some ways I have been. If we were going to stay together it had to get better. It has to get better, and that depends on both of us.

Yeah, I'm rambling.

I've got to do something to snap out of this funk; I had some excellent suggestions, but nothing panned out :(

Tomorrow I'm going to the Toastmasters lunch; I want to improve my confidence and skills in public speaking, so I'll get to see what they have to offer. I'm going to go back to the adult learning center to verify I can volunteer for them too. This close to the holidays, I doubt they'll have anything going on, but you never know. I may also volunteer at the local elementary school my kids went to. It's only a mile away. We'll see what pans out.

I don't have a session with my therapist this week; since she only worked one day last week, all of her appointments for this week were filled already. I'm going to email her a reminder to let me know if she has a cancellation. I'll be fine otherwise, but I could use the session time to just talk some of this out.

I'm off to check the fire in the stove and then bed. G'nite.

My wife didn't have to work all day today, so she got home a couple hours early. My son left about 1 p.m. to go with his friend and their family to the waterpark, and my daughter was working on a craft project.

Before my wife got home, on a whim I decided to check the movie schedule. The only two movies I really want to see playing now are the new James Bond movie and "Twilight." My wife won't go see "Twilight" I knew, so as she walked in the door I suggested we go to the movies. We saw "Quantum of Solace," and it was very, very good. I've never been a big James Bond fan; I've never liked the actors who played bond until Daniel Craig was cast in the role. He's a very good fit for the role, much better than earlier ones.

The movie had fewer sexual overtones, which surprised my wife and disappointed me, lol! It was action-packed, almost to the point of overwhelming the senses. It was a rip-roaring flick, no doubt about it. It's the type of film that just won't have the same impact on DVD at home; it takes the big screen to really feel like you're in the action too.

We hit the 5 p.m matinee ($5 tickets, woo hoo!), and then went to Chili's for supper. Chili's is normally a place I don't go to because its so expensive, but I had $50 in gift cards I had received from the radio station, and I had put them up and forgotten them. We wound up making tonight our anniversary night out; we went to Chili's and ate well; I had an overpriced-but-deelish steak; she had a big plate of shrimp something-or-other. We got out of there with change left, but not much. After that we rode around town looking for decorated houses to look at.

We basically just goofed around town, then headed home. We do a lot of talking when we're eating out and driving around. On this evening 23 years ago (the Friday after Thanksgiving) we were married at a little country church. Our reception (we paid for ourselves) was in the church basement; I prepared four cassette tapes and played them through my guitar amp for a sound system. It was all on the cheap, trust me. My dad, ever the alcholic, insisted on paying for the booze, and he ran a very busy bar that never ran out of anything. We were exhausted by the time we got to our little upstairs apartment in our little town, we didn't even make love. We laid down and fell dead asleep in each other's arms.

We drove to a resort in Indiana (of all places!) for our honeymoon, which lasted until Tuesday the next week. We came home and spent the week together.

At dinner tonight, my wife told me something I felt too -- she never believed we would stay together this long. I was rather shocked to hear it, and shocked to hear her be that frank about it. She saw the look on my face, and I told her I knew what she meant, don't apologize. So far we've beaten the odds, though I'm not sure how.

We had a nice night out. One thing is certain, neither one of us is the naive 20-something we were all those years ago.

Our son was home by the time we arrived. It's been a good night, and I think we're all going to "sleep in" (wink! wink!) tomorrow ... if I'm lucky ;)

---

In the mail today I received something I've wanted for some time -- a real razor, a double-edge safety razor like my Dad used to use.

When I lived at home I shaved with my Dad's old Gilette safety razor. It would cut the shit out of you too, but that's all we had to shave with, and you got the knack of it quickly.

Since I shaved my beard, I've been using disposable razors, and not liking the cost or the performance; they shave good for a few days then that's it -- they're dull. There's no fun shaving with a dull-ass razor.

I couldn't find the old-fashioned safety razor when I went shopping, so I bought one that was basically a clone of my Dad's Gillette. I was excited to get it today, and immediately had to go shave with it tonight.

Wow, what a difference! I haven't shaved with one of these in more than 25 years, and man, it was like riding a bike -- I wobbled a bit, but then it came back; it felt natural as hell to use it.

It's mostly perception on my part, I know. But I do know it shaves much more closely than the disposables I use. If I have to shave now, I might as well enjoy it :)

I need to trim my gootee, and I may just wait this week and go to the barber and get it done with my hair cut. I have it shaped OK, I just want it fine-tuned; its very salt-and-peppery, and I've considered (vanity thy name is Jay!) coloring the gray. Not sure I want to go to that expense or not, but it would look better, me thinks.

I'll worry about that later. G'night to all my friends!

Date:	2008-11-28 12:12
Subject:	Thanksgiving recap ...
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy

Thankfully (no pun intended), my mood improved quickly yesterday after having a case of the overslept grumps!

We hauled our food out to my mother-in-laws, and everyone had a great time. It was a missing some people, though, and everyone could feel it.

None of my brother-in-law's kids were there. Nearly always his daughters come, but they were both at their mother's. The girls are older now, one 19 the other is 13, and they tend to use the fact that their parents are divorced as a tool to get what they want. They sooo know how to work one parent against the other, and right now, my brother-in-law and his wife are the "bad" parents they dont' want to live with.

My wife's sister didn't come either; her husband had to work today (Friday), and he didn't want to come.

The food was deelish, as usual. My daughter's chocolate-pecan divinity was a hit. I ate well, but not too well. Because we had so much food and fewer people than expected, my sister-in-law invited her sister and family to join us. They're great folks and they were a nice addition to Thanksgiving. It was a kind of surprise for them, and they weren't going anywhere for Thanksgiving. It was a last-minute invite (my sister-in-law had to nearly beg her to come), but they did.

We left by 5 that afternoon, about the time that my wife's stepdad's kids began to roll in for supper. There's some really bad blood between my wife's siblings and their stepfamily, and for years its just easier to have each step family come at different times. It's a long, long story, and an ugly one to boot.

--

My wife gets off work a little early today. We don't have any plans for tonight, or the weekend either. Saturday is our anniversary, and she said she wasn't really that interested in going on to celebrate; I think she's more worried about having money for Christmas and would rather save it for shopping. I'm kinda in the same line of thinking with her, but i still want to do something different.

We set up a date night a couple of months ago on the recommendation of my therapist, and we've been doing it; but one thing we've not followed through on is doing something we normally wouldn't do -- like go listen to a band, go dancing, etc. The whole idea is to do things we haven't done in decades, to get out of the rut we've been in.

My wife has been rather lukewarm about the whole thing. This next date night will probably mean Christmas shopping ... we probably should move it so there's no conflict with a Christmas party or something else ... or maybe the hell with the party, and we need to do something on our own?

With this being Thanksgiving, the kids are flush with Christmas ideas. The question may be if we can afford what they really want. We'll do ok; I just remember the years when they were toddlers and we had plenty of spending money to buy Christmas for them. I miss those days, and shopper for them when they were very young. Sometimes I don't realize how much I miss having younger kids in the house.

I've got to get back to work on my Christmas letter. For the past 5 years I've always created our family Christmas newsletter and made it look like a newspaper (since that's my background). This year I've redesigned it to look very Art Deco. The name is always the same, but the design will be very 1920-30s. I don't know if anyone other than me will notice (or care), but I enjoy it just the same. I will get it done this weekend and then e-mail it to the printer by Monday. We only send out 50 or so, so postage is nearly as pricey as the printing, though this year again I'm going full color.

My son has been invited to go to an indoor water park this afternoon, and they'll be here in 30 minutes to get him. I better wrap this up and get some clothes on myself.

Date:	2008-11-27 10:39
Subject:	Happy Thanksgiving!
Security:	Public
Mood:	grumpy

Happy Thanksgiving to all my Blurty family and friends!

I'm sorry to state that I'm a bit of grump this morning; nobody thought to wake me up and I had no idea how late it was. I absolutely HATE having to get up and run ... I have to have an hour or so to get the kinks worked out and wake up.

I'm not real happy that the guys who were up never checked the fire; by the time I got up it was out. I'm freezing my butt off. I know we're going to leave, but it sucks to wake up to a cold house.

My wife has the Macy's Thanksgiving parade blaring in the kitchen It's just too damn early in the morning for me to wake up to that. I don't like crap blaring in my face while I'm waking up. The TV is so loud no one can hear each other talk. I can't take crap that loud this early. Like I said, I'm a grump, don't mess with me.

--

My wife and I talked about allowing our daughter to get her learner's permit. My wife suggested that we hold off on telling her. Instead we'll make it a part of her Christmas ... my wife said we could give her a set of keys or a key ring and surprise her that way. It's only a month's wait anyway, and I think my daughter will be surprised.

--

My wife is pushing all the wrong buttons this morning. She's hurrying me, rushing around here in a run, and trying to push me in the process. It drives me nuts and pisses me off. She just brought me a pair of semi-dry jeans to put on. WTF?? Would she wear wet jeans? No, but she wants to push me to get dressed, even if my jeans aren't dry. Grr!

I've got to get out of this funk, I'm not sure how. I guess I don't always look forward to going out there; part of it is that I'm worried about overeating. My mother-in-law is a killer cook, and there's nothing more that I would love to do is to pile up my plate like I usually do. Even though its only once a year, I still need to make good choices. There's good food there, but lots of other stuff too that is way too good!

---

Did I mention a book I just bought? It's called "48 Days To the Work You Love" by Dan Miller. It's a great book that helps you figure out how to turn your passion into a path that will lead you to a career that will be rewarding as well as pay you. I just got the book on Monday, and have read the first couple of chapters. My wife wants to give my book to my sister-in-law (her brother's wife), whose factory is being shut down at the end of the year.

Her factory makes (or made) dashboards for Detroit automkers. Lower demand meant that they didn't need her plant's production, so they're closing it. It kinda gripes my butt that she's giving away the book I just bought; I would be happy to order her one and give it to her. She can use it, but you know, I don't know that my sister-in-law will appreciate the book or even read it. Honestly I hope she will; she could use the book more than I can really! My replacement copy should arrive next week.

I have to drag a comb through my hair, shave (still getting used to that) and get dressed. Cross your fingers I don't go three rounds with my wife, who is beginning to really hound me about getting my ass out the door. ugh!!!

Yeah, I'm a grump. It'll get better!

I'll be leaving in a few minutes to go to my Weight Watchers meeting. I don't know why, but I'm not feeling very confident today. I'm not very confident of how well I'll do today, but that's not really unusual. I just don't feel very good about me today.

If I'm going to send any letters about adjunct instructing positions, I need to get them out by the first of next week; I wish I could talk with my therapist about this, because I'm suddenly lacking confidence to think I can do this. The negative part of me is telling me I can't; don't bother sending a letter, they won't want you anyway. God, this is what I've done to myself all my life -- told myself I wasn't worthy of even asking about things.

I wish I had my therapist's perspective; she has faith in me at times when I can not have faith in myself; now is one of those times. I'm feeling like I should just chuck all this stuff as a bad idea.

I told my therapist yesterday that I almost didn't tell her about his desire to something more, to contribute somehow, either through work or by volunteering. I felt it as though it had nothing to do with my therapy.

My therapist thoguht that was funny, because as I realized after she explained that it has EVERYTHING to do with my therapy. It's a long explanation, but it all goes back to my emerging, improved self-esteem. I've still work to do; particularly how shitty I feel about myself today. I'm worried too that my therapist is booked up all next week, so it will be two weeks before our next session. With all the stuff going on in my head, I really wish we could meet next week. The reason she's booked next week is that she only had one day she worked this week, so everyone she couldn't get in yesterday had to schedule next week.

Yeah, I'll be fine for two weeks. I have come to value our sessions just so much -- just having someone who listens with empathy, challenges your ideas and suggests solutions is worth more than anything I can pay her.

I better run, I have to drive to town for my meeting, then on to the hospital for my exercise program. Later on ... have a great day!

I've been cooped up in the house for most of the weekend; today I had to leave the house for my own sanity.

I went out and got some supper, and just drove around. I bought some kerosene while I was out too, but it was one of those times when you just need to get out, you know?

My wife has been noting that I've been "quiet" today. Yeah, that's true. After pissing everyone off last night, I have been feeling just a *little* defensive today.

"Is there something wrong?" my wife asked several times. She asked me (finally) out of earshot of the kids, so I told her that after last night I was expecting more crap about the driver's license thing.

Apparently my wife and daughter talked this morning about it, and they agreed they wouldn't bring it up or make a big deal out of it.

My wife told me that I had said "no" and that was all anyone needed to know. (WTF???) Last night I was wrong; today, I'm right? I don't believe that. I even tried to talk about it to my wife, and she wouldn't discuss it. It was over, she said.

Shit, I know better than that.

My daughter asked me (ever so gently) if I could go by our insurance agent's office and see what the price for coverage might be. I hate to even tell them I have a 16 year old in the house, I figure there's a surcharge for having one that age even before they get a permit or license!

After all the crap my wife gave me last night, I don't think for a minute that this isn't going to be revisited. And when the time is right, I'm fine with it. But my daughter doesn't need to drive anywhere right now, nor will she need to drive anywhere the next couple or three years. And does she think she's going to get a car to take to college?? LOL!

I'm just still a little pissed about the crap and the accusations unloaded on me last night by my wife. Today she acts like everything's peachy. Yeah, I guess I've been in a sour mood. I was feeling very upbeat until this weekend.

I need to get back into a positive frame of mind; my session with my therapist is Tuesday. Tomorrow I am going to stop by the local Toastmasters club for a few minutes then I have to go to lunch with the magazine staff to proof the magazine. After lunch I have my exercise program to visit, and after that, pick up my daughter. Busy day!

I've been in a sour, negative mood today; I have to straighten up, I need to be positive, think positive. The kids are out after Tuesday, so it'll be nuts all week. Wish me luck, lol!

I'm going to join an online OA meeting at midnight, so I'm going to sign off for now.

Date:	2008-11-23 00:14
Subject:	NOT in a good mood :(
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off

It's been a busy day that's ended with a bang -- my wife and I are into it.

My daughter, who turned 16 a month ago, is now wanting to get her driving permit. I don't blame her for wanting her permit; she comes home with tales of who she knows who got their permit. Peer pressure is a bitch, I know.

The simple truth is that we can't afford to add her to our insurance. She doesn't have a real need to drive anywhere - yet. She's a sophomore. I haven't priced it yet, but trust me, I haven't heard a single parent I know tell me how cheap it was to add their 16-year-old to their car insurance policy. Even the web sites say the cost will skyrocket -- expect an increase of 50 to 200 percent more. Damn!

We can't afford it. We barely keep our bills paid now. But we have my daughters' monthly orthodontist payment; her music lessons; her tuition, etc. Not to mention my son's activities. We shell out a bunch of money; we're not broke, but sure as hell aren't putting any in savings.

My daughter is in tears over it. I say wait a year -- at least.

My insurance co. web site says the company will insist on making her the primary driver on our newest vehicle in order to get the highest premium, of course. I haven't priced it yet because I don't want to -- and my daughter doesn't see how several hundred dollars more of an expense can be "that big a deal."

We scrap enough money by to pay tuition for her to go to the Catholic school I went to; I think its worth it, sometimes I'm not sure. But the school has changed a lot since I was there; its become the place for the very well-to-do to send their kids. You would not believe how many 16, 17 and 18-year-old kids in that school drive BMW's, Lexus, and other cars. Their families don't have to worry about money.

And that makes it hard on my daughter, who can't understand how come others can do all that and we can't. We're going to do good to keep her in the school, much less buy her a car or pay for insurance too.

My wife is not helping matters either. She tells me she's trying to be neutral, but its no secret she wants my daughter to get her permit. We have talked about this several times, and my wife got mad at me because I sounded like I was preaching to her. Yeah, I guess I was -- how many frickin' times do I have to explain it again? She knows the problem, verse and chapter.

Tonight she decided to bring it up again; my daughter won't talk directly to me because I've already told her she isn't going to get her permit for a while.

My wife got pissed because I wouldn't set a date for our daughter to get her permit. It's clear that she's sympathetic to our daughter, who says she isn't going to need to drive, but is in tears because she doesn't have her permit yet.

Yeah, it boils down to finances, and my wife got pissed about that too. Why is it I can sell my old junk hobby stuff on eBay and save money to buy something, but we can't afford to pay for a huge monthly car insurance increase? My hobby money comes ONLY from whatever I sell on eBay, never from household funds -- and I have to deplete my eBay fund to cover bounced checks last week.

I feel like it's two against one, and I'm the nasty sonuvabitch in all of this. I don't want my daughter to get her permit or license, preferably until sometime in her junior year. Hell, I was a senior when I got mine, and I wasn't socially damaged by that.

Right now my wife and daughter are together in the kitchen, and neither seem to be speaking to me. We have so much shit to pay for, where would the extra money come from? We pay a lot for car insurance anyway. Why the rush?? Yeah, I know, she's 16.

I'm sorry, but that's not cutting it. My wife feels sorry for her, but how the fuck does it get paid for? How does everything stay paid up when there's no money left? And with the economy the way it is, is it smart to try to stretch to cover shit we don't need to??

My daughter will never understand the financial part of it. I tried to explain it to her tonight. She has no concept of money. I wish I was 16 again, then I wouldn't have to worry about shit like this!

My stomach hurts; I don't need this fucking stress. My wife is still up, which is unusual. If I thought I could get to be and asleep before her, I think I would do it. Gah!

I think I'm going to to hand this fucking decision to her, tell her to call the insurance agent and find out how expensive it will be. Then let her fucking have to explain it. I'm the bad fucking guy here because I know its going to be high; my wife is looking at this with rose-fucking-colored glasses on.

She needs a reality check.


Mother fucking GRRRR!

My plans to have time together with my wife this morning didn't really pan out as I had hoped. Well, "hoped" translates into sex in my vocabulary; instead we simply snuggled and talked a while, drifting in and out of sleep. We finally got out of bed about 10:30 a.m.

I was supposed to go help a deceased friend's son sort through some of his stuff today. I went there after lunch but his son wasn't there. I probably should go back to see if he's there, but I've been taking care of some chores here at home since I got back.

Our home has tall ceilings, and the light bulb in the pantry broke off in the fixture. We only have one 8 foot ladder, and yeah, it was one of those chores that's simple but you keep putting it off. Today I took care of that. I also have addressed a couple of other chores. I still need to go buy some kerosene; we use it to help heat in the kitchen in the mornings when the woodstove hasn't yet built back up.

We still have our big kerosene heater in the attic; we have our living room shut off for now because we don't have the heater in there. The living room is on the west side of the house, and I haven't re-winterized the windows to cut down the drafts, so its pretty airish in there now.

---

Last night I atttended a meeting in the next county where I was the guest speaker. I am the statewide representative for a non-profit group (I volunteered before I realized the work involved!), and part of my duty is to visit groups and speak about the organization and help its members when there are problems.

But being a "public" figure has been the toughest part. As someone who has had such low self-esteem, I felt that I was just terrible at what I was doing. I literally hated it, simply because I didn't believe I was capable to being competent.

And being comfortable -- and speaking -- in front of a crowd is very tough for me. People have told me I do fine, but I never believed it. I never believed I was any good, and as you might imagine, I dreaded every time I had to speak to a group.

I still have the heebie-geebies about it; but my therapist is suggesting that I work on public speaking, be more confident and don't shy away from it.

With that in mind, I'm going to the local Toastmaster's meeting at lunch on Monday. I'm not sure I'll join, but I'll never know if I like what they do unless I go check them out. The Toastmasters group is simply that -- helping one another be more comfortable about public speaking and presenting. It sounds tailor-made for me.

---

My volunteer position is for a two-year stretch, and I have until Dec 5th to decide if I'm going to want to do it for another 2 years. I have had thoughts of not doing it any more, but honestly, I feel that its taken me these 2 years to figure out what I'm doing and what I need to do.

But as I have written before, there's this feeling that there's some larger purpose that I'm supposed to do with my life. And I realize now that I have had this feeling before; but the difference is that I always pushed the notion back down. It's impractical; I can't do it, I would say. Just forget it. Until the last few weeks, I never considered any of it possible.

Now I believe it is. And its a little scary.

I feel like my heart has me running in 8 different directions at once. Perhaps I need to focus simply on my treatment, and to keep the important things in sight. I'll talk it over with my therapist on Tuesday.

---

It's gotten colder than usual for mid-November here in the Ohio Valley. The past few years we often didn't burn much wood until Thanksgiving; we've been keeping the stove fired up steady for several weeks. I think I'm going to order some more wood at Christmas, depending on how much we burn between now and then.

I'm going to raid the fridge, my fried eggs and sausage ran out about 2 hours ago. More to come!

Hugs to all my friends ... stay warm!

(NOTE: Written on Thursday, 11/20) I have my 12-step meeting in about 45 minutes, and thought I might take a moment to write a bit here while the kids are busy in the kitchen.

My wife and the kids are going to a chili supper fundraiser at my son's school. It's SNOWING outside -- the first significant snowfall of the year. It isn't supposed to accumulate, the ground is too warm. It's fun to see it though.

I'm bushed! I had a great day at pulmonary rehab; I felt good and I worked extra hard on the treadmill and bike, setting new personal bests on both. I decided to really push myself on treadmill, and I did -- I bumped up my speed. It felt great to set a new personal record, I'm beginning to really feel the difference regular exercise makes. One of the biggest difference is that the next day after working out, I'm no longer stiff and achy as I was initially. My resting heart rate when I get to the rehab is gradually going down, which means my heart is pumping stronger and needing to beat less often.

--

My wife told me last night that there's nothing on the agenda for Saturday, and that we can have some time together -- which is her code wording for sex! One of the unexpected benefits that has come from my therapy sessions was the time I spent on trying to re-establish a relationship with my wife.

In a session months ago, I talked about how dysfunctional our marriage was; we were simply roommates with no real intimate connection anymore. My therapist didn't sugarcoat it -- she told me my marriage wasn't even on life support, it was basically dead. It could be more, but I had to initiate whatever was going to improve it.

I didn't think anything would help, frankly.

Somehow, after time, I began to hear what my therapist was saying. I guess what changed was me: I had to ask the question, "Can this marriage be saved? And do I want to save it?" I finally realized that if the answer was yes, it was up to me to initiate it. My wife had given up, and has committed to staying in our relationship because of the kids.

I've not really admitted to my wife how much time I spent in therapy discussing my marriage. I'm sure she knows that my concern about salvaging our relationship is rooted in my therapy. The changes she's seen are all part of it too.

---

There's been something new that's awakened inside me. My therapist understands it better than I do. I feel like I need to break out of what I'm doing now, and to do something that's good; something that contributes; something that is positive. My therapist said she understood what I'm feeling.

There's something bigger that I need to do with my life -- not for financial gain, or for popularity or fame; I want to fill fulfilled, like I'm making a positive impact on people's lives.

My therapist suggested something that I've heard from more than one person -- she said I should use my college degree and teach some classes.

I have been told this by people off an on for more than a decade. I've never allowed myself to believe I could do this; I believe that I am a horrible public speaker; I'm very nervous about it; I never felt I could ever EVER teach!

But could I? Dare I allow myself to have that thought??

This will be part of our session this coming Tuesday. We'll look over some of my goals that we didn't get to, and go from there. Part of me is getting antsy; I want this "change" to happen tomorrow, I don't want to wait. But I have to define the change, and decide what to try.

Monday, I'm going to do a couple of things. I'm going to a meeting of the local Toastmaster's group to see if I think I they might help be become a more confident speaking in public. Secondly, I'm going to the local adult learning center to see what volunteer opportunities they might have. My time is a little limited due to my workouts and my need to pick up the kids. But somewhere there's something that is right for me.

All of this stuff sounds a bit juvenile or goofy, I know. My therapist was pleased to find myself raising these questions, and that this awakening is a sign that I'm looking for something more in life. I hope that I can put all of this to work in a positive way.

Enough of this, I'm thinking too hard! G'night for now, I'll update with more later.

Date:	2008-11-12 20:57
Subject:	Rainy days and Wednesdays ...
Security:	Public
Mood:	busy

It's both right now -- a rainy day and Wednesday -- and its been a bit of a drag. It's the typical cold, gray November rain, too. Just glad its not snow!

I wound up putting on a little more than a pound at my WW meeting this morning. Part of that was because I was on the road yesterday, and I ate twice -- a McD's and White Castle. I didn't make time to eat supper before I left home, so I got a belly full of junk. I should have known better, but I was starving.

I missed my 10 am meeting and went to the 12:30 one, which is fine, but by that time I had already had a cup of coffee and some water.

After WW, I met with my dietician again, and we went over numbers on my blood sugar and what not. I didn't have any burning questions for her, beyond my admiring her beautiful eyes (she has the brightest blue eyes you ever have seen ... amazing!).

I skipped my workout this afternoon to work on magazine stuff. I should have gone, but didn't. I may skip tomorrow too, but this is temporary. I don't have a morning full of "stuff" to get done, so I should be able to go workout sometime tomorrow afternoon.

--

I'm still getting comments about my shaving my beard (except my moustache and gootee). My therapist said I look 10 years younger and 25 lbs lighter. I've had a number of other comments from people who knew something was different, but couldn't put their finger on it.

Shaving doesn't take nearly as long as I remembered it from years ago. I've cut myself a couple of times, which is a new/old experience for me. I also did not realize how expensive decent razors are in the stores ... you can still get the cheapy ones, but I wanted to buy the better quality ones: I was shocked that quality disposable ones can run more than $2 each, even in packs of 4.

What I really want is the old-time razor with the replaceable double-edge razor blades. When I lived at home I used to use my Dad's, and while it would cut the crap out of you in a second, it was one hell of a good shave.

One thing extra I did this morning was to trim higher my sideburns. My hair on my head has some grey, but my beard was really getting gray, and my sideburns went from dark to gray about halfway down my ear, so I trimmed them up higher. Vanity, than name is Jay .. lol!

I've decided that I need to buy some new clothes ... I need to buy some dress slacks and a couple of shirts ... maybe even a decent sport coat. I've never had many dress clothes, but I want to have some available ... I don't know, not because I'm an executive type, but there are times I would like to dress nicer.

I'm going to try to get a self-portrait shot sometime soon ... at night in the house the flash blows out the photo, and my face looks like I saw a ghost, lol!

---

Apparently my good digital camera, my digital audio recorder and at least one notepad were stolen from my SUV one day a couple of weeks ago. I have looked everywhere, and they are simply gone! The camera had some magazine pics on it, and that sucks! I reshot the pix today, finally admitting that the camera isn't lost, but gone forever. Damn it!

I'm back to using my old Canon first-generation digital SLR. It's not a bad camera, but doesn't have the color depth or clarity my other one had. I can't afford to replace it, and that sucks too. Since I'm not shooting anything full time anymore, its not worth the money to buy something that expensive.

Well, I have to check on my son, he's finishing up some late homework.

Date:	2008-11-11 23:49
Subject:	Long day done ...
Security:	Public
Mood:	good

I've been busy with 19 different things going today, and finally I'm back at the computer for an update.

Today was my session with my therapist, with whom I talked about this weekend and the rift between my wife and I. I finally got around to my getting caught masturbating last Friday, and my therapist agreed that that was likely at least part of the reaction that followed through the weekend.

My therapist told me that many women -- even though they know its normal -- will still feel threatened by it, or feel like they are being replaced, etc., when that's not really the case.

I knew what was coming next -- my therapist told me I needed to talk about it with my wife.

UGH!

I can't tell you how many years I've had to bite my tongue and listen to her tell me how sinful masturbation is; that only perverts masturbate once they are adults; and that if a married man does it then it is equal to being unfaithful. For years I've had to feel substandard, because in her eyes there was no possible way to defend masturbation.

Over the past number of years, that attitude has changed somewhat. She did not make a big scene on Friday when she caught me, but I had no idea what she felt. I had to ask. Damn, I didn't want to.

I finally got around to asking her, and it was awkward. She said she felt bad for walking in on me, but she denied being upset that she caught me jacking off. I asked her a couple more times, just to be sure she was telling me the truth and not just what she felt like I wanted to hear.

I think that by now she isn't mad, but I think that for the weekend, it was an issue. After we had our argument, the tension died down.

We had a good discussion, and this ultimately got down to our differences. She doesn't want to have sex unless it can be ideal circumstances; I am delighted to sneak into the laundry and go down on her on the washing machine at a moment's notice. Life is too short to have to wait for the planets to line up and for things to be "perfect."

She was punishing me in a way .. i had magazine stuff to do, and she wasn't going to give me any reason to turn my attention away from my work (no matter how much I wanted to!).

I'm a little stunned that she said she wasn't pissed about catching me masturbating ... then I realized that she couldn't see the porn on the computer that I was masturbating to! Had she known I was masturbating to porn, the story would be very different, I think. It would have been worse.

---

The rest of my session went well. I've gotten through the darkness of the disappointment i had from not getting the weight loss surgery. It's taken me a while, but I get it now.

I shared what I wrote last week in my therapy journal about my finally seeing the big picture:

----

.... Perhaps the biggest realization of my day today was also the simplest one.

When it comes to my life and all the things I'm trying to do with it -- improving myself physically and emotionally -- when I told my therapist I felt I could no longer see a goal, its because I was looking for it in the wrong place.

The payoff of all of this isn't a date in the future, or a measurable number like my weight or blood sugar level.

The reward is not the destination -- the reward is the journey I'm on. The reward is living a life that I can love, and being the best person I can be. When I felt the road ahead had no destination -- and felt like a hamster on a wheel -- what I was missing was the beauty of the passing scenery. Living well today and looking forward to tomorrow, THAT is the essence of human existence, and a sign of a life well lived.

My challenge is to keep this fresh in my heart, and to continue to move forwad, physically and emotionally. I don't know what the next setback will be, or when it will be. But it will come, and I pray that I will have the awareness to always remember that even on the cloudiest days of my life the sunshine will always return.

I may be spouting psychobabble, but it seems pretty close to the truth from where I sit. I can only push ahead, learn as I go and live as I can.

------

Deep stuff, eh? Well, it may sound like mumbo-jumbo, but it was important for me to write it, and believe it.

Tomorrow I have my Weight Watcher meeting at 10 and then a meeting with my dietician at 11. We'll go over my diabetes numbers and see where to go from here. I have some crap to get done on the magazine, so that's in the mix too.

That's all for this update .. more to come!

g'nite

Date:	2008-11-10 22:58
Subject:	More of the same ...
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

It's been a busy-as-hell day today. Late last night, I find out that my wife has made a dermalogist appt. for our daughter at 3 p.m. today. The office is open after school, why the hell does she make appointments during school hours??

Of course, she doesn't have to take her, I do. Why not make it 3:30 and then there's no missing school? I decided not to pick her up early, we were just a few minutes late, no biggie.

My wife seems to be back to normal, or at least she feels everything is normal. I'm still trying to figure out just what the hell went on. Maybe I should just ignore it, its water under the bridge.

At supper I was quiet, perhaps a little stand-offish. I wasn't dissing her or anyone, but its hard to just pretend that the words we exchanged never happened, and that everything really is OK.

My wife came to me later this evening and asked me fi there was something on my mind. I wanted to bring up the weekend again, but I didn't I brushed it off. I just didn't want to hear all that shit again. If bringing it up unleases that shit storm, then I'm better off just pretending that everything really is OK.

I've debated whether to bring it up with my therapist tomorrow. I know she'll dig into it and I'll wind up admitting that I didn't talk to her tonight when my wife asked if something was wrong. Ugh!

Being rejected just sucks. And missing an opportunity when there are so damn few anyway ... really cuts to the quick.

I remembered today that my wife made a statement that could reveal something about why the cold shoulder. Sunday night when I asked her about it, and said it was missed opportunties, she fired back "You should have thought about that Friday!"

That didn't register with me until today, when I realized the reference to Friday may have been ... well, her walking in on me masturbating.

Yep. She didn't tell me she was going to be off work on Friday, so she literally surprised me at mid-morning. My wife's view of masturbation has in the past been rather Victorian; for years she believed married men who did it were mentally ill. Yeah, I know - why the hell did I marry her? lol!

But her views in recent years have been less puritanical, and when she caught me with my shorts around my ankles, she didn't have a cow or blow a gasket. She didn't even get angry. I "recovered" and she said something about me being "busted". Yep, guilty as charged.

Do I think that led to her being pissed at me? I don't know, but it wouldn't be out of character. Her comment about Friday might tie back to that, I don't know.

So in the meantime I'm just continuing to do what I need to do every day. I have much to share with my therapist, so I hope I find a little direction or advice in the process.

That's it for now. G'nite!

Well, it's been a very busy day for me ... I spent the day working at the computer writing, which was good. After the go-round with my wife earlier, I had no plans to cross her path again.

My wife is still pissed at me. After I posted my update below, she came in and accused me of accusing her again of punishing me. That thought hadn't crossed my mind, but it feels exactly like that. That's why I asked her in the first place if there was something going on why we have a weekend open and she's not willing to even consider intimacy.

She denies being pissed off, but that's not what her actions say. The housecleaning thing was her priority this weekend, but doesn't it make sense for some "us" time? She didn't want any "us" time, that much is clear.

She has to work next Sunday and has to take our daughter across the state on Saturday for a school team event. It is supposed to be our date night this coming weekend, but I'm not really too enthused about it. And I don't think she is either. I want to just ask her to tell me the fucking problem, but that didn't work the first time I tried it today.

I guess I'm pissed that she blew up at me earlier; I wasn't shitty with her, I told her that I hated to have the opportunties pass by like this. That brought out the accusation that I was accusing her of ... whatever it was she said I was doing.

I will find out what the fuck is going on, it usually takes a few days to fester up before she will tell me. It's just a miserable time right now; its shitty to feel like the person you're with hates your fucking guts. Life is too damn short to live like this!

This shit storm can't blow over quick enough to suit me. I'm going to find something positive and fun to do, I'm killing my mood by writing about all of this. Gah!

G'nite.

Date:	2008-11-09 10:53
Subject:	Change of weather, change of attitudes ...
Security:	Public
Mood:	curious

I haven't written here for several days so I thought I might update a bit.

I've gotten over the funk I was in, thanks mostly to the Weight Watchers meeting I attended on Wednesday. The leader of the meetings is a very dynamic speaker, and you know how with some people who present, you really connect with them? She had a good presentation, and the material she covered echoed many of the things I've covered with my therapist over the last few months. Things like emotional eating, seeking comfort from food, and telling ourselves that we're worthy of eating better, etc.

I'm not sure what it was she said, but as I wrote in my therapy journal, the clouds that were hanging over my soul parted; I began to see things from a different perspective, and I realized that the "something' that I had believed I had lost (see a couple of entries down) actual never left me.

Without getting all psychobabbley on you, the light bulb went on finally. All of this stuff I've been doing -- from therapy to trying to eat better, and really try to manage my diabetes -- is for improving the here and now. It's about living for today, not tomorrow, next week or next year.

Whatever the reason, my funk has lifted and I'm ok with keeping on keeping on. Part of my funk (IMHO) was my addiction pulling at me, taking advantage of my disappointment, offering the promise of the familiar comfort of the escape it offered.

At my 12-step meeting, it was interesting because others were describing how strongly they felt their addicitions were, and how its always there, ready to welcome you back in a relapse. In other words, I'm not alone in how it feels.

---

I'm not in a bad mood today, but I'm not real happy with how things are between my wife and I right now.

She took off work Friday to spend time cleaning the house, which she did. She and the kids have been working all weekend, while I've been working on the magazine.

There were no kid things to go to, no meetings, no nothing. We had both days with no outside obligations -- a rare weekend, indeed!

I woke her up early Saturday morning, thinking that we would have time for intimacy since we had no commitments. She shooed me away, and told me she needed to clean house!

I asked her -- sweetly, I might add -- a ocuple of times about the two of us having some time together. No, it wasn't going to happen. I need to do magazine work, she needs to clean.

A weekend together with nothing on the schedule, and we can't find time to be together? WTF??? I though perhaps we might go to bed early last night or something ... no, she was tired and wanted to sleep.

And I thought perhaps she might be interested this morning ... nope, not then either.

For the first weekend since August, there's nothing planned, and there's no time for us?? I'm trying not to be hurt about this, but the "I need to clean" excuse doesn't really cut it. She and the kids worked hard, true, but she works hard all the time. She just had no inclination or desire for sex with me, and I don't feel like there's been a good explanation.

I had hopes that I might convince my wife to break out of the "only on Saturday or Sunday mornings" rut as the only time she'll consider intimacy. It appears that even that's in question.

I'm going to have to ask her about this; there may be a simple answer, like her period began, etc. But she hasn't said anything about that if that's what it is. I would rather it be her period than "I just think you're a douche bag" lol, which may incidently be what she thinks.

Enough for now, I'm going to go ask her while the kids are out of earshot. Wish me luck.

UPDATE! I made the mistake of asking my wife this morning about the missed opportunities we had, and brother, did I get an ear full.

I did not use a tone that sounded like I was accusing her of anything; I simply wanted to know if there was something else going on. We seldom have a weekend that's not planned out to the max; and being together is high on my list.

She immediately accused me of accusing her of "withholding sex," and she went off on me. The ironic part is that she admitted she was withholding sex because she hates me writing for the magazine and doesn't want to do anything that would slow my work on it.

Perhaps my priorities are skewed, but giving the choice of an opportunity to make love to my wife vs. working on magazine writing ... well, which would you choose?? Besides, I seldom get started doing anything until mid-to-late morning; snuggling sure sounds better than pecking away at the computer keyboard.

"You think you're the only one missing out?" she screamed. "I'm the one making the sacrifice for you!" she told me. I told her I didn't think sacrificing intimacy was worth the price of missing an opportunity to be together. From the disgusted look on her face, she didn't have to tell me what she was thinking.

She told me that nothing gets done around the house until the magazine stuff is done, so she's not going to allow any sex until its done either. I think that you have to take advantage of the opportunities you are given; she clearly is more interested in punishing me.

I know she's been upset about the house being not as clean as she would like; I think my daughter's comments a couple of weeks ago still have left their sting. She has worked hard to get caught up on things.

My wife also gave me grief over the day or two delay in buying the new clothes washer. Instead of buying it on Thursday we bought it on Saturday. It's a big deal to her. We bought one, I figured that's what was important.

There's a lot of anger right now, and my questioning her today seems to have brought more of it out -- big time. It's like when you're a guy and there's a big issue going on between you and your wife/significant other, and you're stupid enough to have to ask "What's wrong?" In this case, I knew the part I could see and what she had said, I just wanted to find out what else was going on. And I don't think I've heard it all yet. When I was talking to her she said it didn't matter what she said, I would explain it away or discount it anyhow. WTF?? Her tone is still very very angry.

For now I guess I can expect to walk on some eggshells for a while. I dont' know what the hell else to do, but its disappointing to find myself the turd in her punchbowl again.

Sigh.

I'm not sure just what the hell is going on with me.

I realized this morning that I'm falling back into the old patterns of where I was several months ago: I'm way late on all my magazine stuff, and my confidence is in the gutter.

What the hell happened? Where did it go? Or did it go?

Yesterday being Election Day, and a historic one, I felt that I need to remake me. I have to do something different. I don't like me right now.

So I took my electric razor and I shaved off my beard (save for my moustache and a goutee, and I'm not sure the gootee is gonna stay). I know that hair grows back, and you're probably thinking to yourself "What's so radical about that??"

It's been 25 years since I last shaved my beard. My girlfriend at the time (the older woman I dated) talked me into it. I shaved my entire face at that point for her, and believe it or not, part of it was sexual. She had been married 10 years and divorced, and the beard became an issue during oral sex. She just did not like the feel of it. And yeah, that sure took care of her complaints. I broke up with her several months later when my ex- came back in the picture, wanting to restart our relationship (we've been together ever since).

So yeah, this is something unusual for me to do. I'm not very gutsy when it comes to changing my appearnce. I've never liked my appearance anyway, and never really figured to worry much about changing it, particularly when it comes to my beard.

I'm pretty pleased with the change, believe it or not. I'm not sure abou the gootee, but I figured I would keep it for now and shave it later.

My wife and kids were simply stunned. I had not given them any real warning, though I did mention doing "something different" a few weeks ago.

Probably the biggest surprise is how fat my face does NOT look. Guys who are heavy tend to like to hide behind beards, and I am one of them. I guess the 50-60 lbs I lost the last couple of years made a difference; I'm not nearly as chubby-cheeked as I was 2 years ago. I'm not gaunt by any means.

I like it for now, which means I won't immediately begin regrowing my beard.

---

I missed my weight watcher meeting at 10:30. There's another at noon and I'll make that one. I better scoot for now.

It was so weird this morning to get up and realize that I needed to shave! I've got to buy some better razors, I'm using some cheapies my wife had, and I used the last new one. My wife will use a razor on her legs until its deadly dull. I like them sharp.

More to come, in the meantime I'm going to work on some magazine stuff.

Date:	2008-11-03 22:54
Subject:	Searching for meaning ...
Security:	Public
Mood:	gloomy

I am sitting here in my office this evening, and I've been thinking about my session today with my therapist.

It was a short session because of her doctor's appt, which ran late, but still a good session, and to be frank, I needed the session.

Try as I may, I still feel like I've lost .... "something" ... I have a hard time describing it, but all of this stuff I'm doing -- the watching my food, exercise, etc. -- is getting harder to feel good about. I'm not ready to quit, but I'm getting discouraged by my inability to lose weight. Seems the harder I work out, the more I want to eat (duh!).

And as I told my therapist, I don't have a goal ... a concrete one that I can make in a short time. Saying that I'll feel better, breath better, etc., from all the working out just isn't doing it for me.

My therapist called it right away -- the lack of confidence that whatever I do will help, and my fear that I can't change things no matter what I do.

It's true.

During the sale pitch for the surgery, they showed a chart from research showing that diet and exercise seldom produce long-lasting results. The chart was staggering; fewer than 10 percent of people who lose weight can keep the loss as long as 5 years.

Now I recognize that the surgery program is giving a pitch; they sure as hell wouldn't put up any research statistics that don't support the simple theme that this surgery is what you need.

So let me say it again. I need to control my diabetes. I need to follow my diet for my diabetes, and I need to exercise. It's all true. And I've not binged in more than 3 weeks now. But what can't I feel happy with that? Why does it feel like an endless highway in front of me? Like a hamster on a wheel?

I have my Weight Watchers meeting on Wednesday, and I'm going to consider chaning from my current program to their "core" plan. The core plan is a little more like a low-carb diet. You don't have to track food, but I will keep on doing it just to monitor my intake. I just want to try something different.

There's an emptiness in me, some sort of vacuum that makes me sad. My therapist read that in me from halfway down the hallway. I had it for a while, even before the surgery. I think its my self-esteem issues knocking on the door here ... and part of me wants the easy route, and right now, quitting all this crap and diving back into my addiction has a certain appeal.

I won't do that. I know too much about how bad a place that is to let myself go there again. I can resist the donuts, the fried apples and the pies and cakes my wife buys. I need ... it sounds hokey as hell, but I need a reason to live.

I've been trying to pretend this sadness will go away if I ignore it. It hasn't. Sometimes I feel so very alone in this quest. My wife was complaining to her mother how particular I'm getting about what food I can eat for my diabetes. My wife would buy cow shit if it was marked "low fat!"; the problem with most low fat foods is the sugar and carbs they still have. Both of those are a problem for me; fat is not. After the way my wife was talking to her mother, I'm not sure I want to talk food with my wife again.

My therapist suggested that the next time I see my dietician that I bring my wife along. My therapist's father is a diabetic too, and his wife -- like mine -- was still bringing home and fixing him stuff that wasn't so good for him. As my therapist told me, its not a fault of my wife, its just how she's always shown her love for me -- by providing a comfort food dish.

I talked with my wife some about it tonight; she was receptive, but confused a little. We'll have to talk more about this.

Is this my addiction working on me? I don't know. I just don't feel very good about me; but I don't know what the hell it is I want, a parade?? Sex??? Fame and fortune??? I don't know. I've lost something I had, and I want it back.

Desperately.

Date:	2008-11-02 12:27
Subject:	More on the soap opera ...
Security:	Public
Mood:	rejuvenated

We returned our overnight guest to her home yesterday (Saturday) afternoon, and my wife and I spent a lot of time trying to figure out exactly what's going on with Dorothy and her family.

My wife and I compared notes and our thoughts on the situation; foremost in our minds was the allegation of abuse from the Dad. It simply did not make sense to return the daughter to her home if she was going to be threatened with abuse.

My wife was alone with the daughter (Ellen) in the car yesterday, and asked her some questions about her Dad and specifically if he had hit her or if she didn't feel safe. Her answer was that her Mom and Dad were arguing, and she couldn't stand to hear it. There was no indication that she felt she was in danger, or had he ever hit her beyond a spanking or discipline.

My wife, who works in healthcare, reminded me that if we knew abuse was occurring in the home, it is state law that we have to call it in. The only proof we have is Dorothy's statement that he had "left a mark on all of us" at some vague point in the past.

Here's what my wife and I can piece together (our theory so far): Whatever happened at home Thursday night, Dorothy wanted to either piss her husband off or prove a point, or just exert her authority or control -- she took Ellen and they left, leaving the husband and oldest daughter at home. Dorothy told my wife that night that she had to get out of the house, but she was not in any physical danger. That story later changed somewhat.

But the oldest daughter stayed; if you were leaving due to a fear of safety, why would you leave one child there? Apparently there was no threat to anyone's safety.

Dorothy has always been very much a control freak. Prior to the time when I was driivng her to her doctor's appointments each month, she had asked another friend of mine to do it. He agreed, but because he wouldn't let her tell him how to drive there she dumped him and asked me to drive her. And every time I drove her, she treated me like I had never driven to those offices in my life. She pointed out every turn, told me when to slow down or accelerate; it was the most annoying type of back-seat driving you can imagine. Add in the fact that 3/4 of the times I drove her, her husband was home and available to take her; the office staff at both doctor's offices all believed I was her husband, and called me "Mr. ____".

So was it abuse or Dorothy trying to make a point to her husband? I think the only threat to safety was when Dorothy is driving; she clearly shouldn't be driving during day or nighttime hours. When I dropped her off at her SUV on Friday morning (after she had left home and spent the night with a mutual friend), she showed me that the driver's door on her truck wouldn't open; she had hit a light pole with the driver's side fender, and it pushed the fender back into the door.

Dorothy told me how that accident and the others fender benders she's had (all four corners of the SUV show damage) were always someone else's fault. Other front-end damage was caused by her hitting a tree when she was trying to get to her driveway. She said the truck messed up, and when she hit the brakes, it accelerated instead and she hit a tree down from her driveway. She's the one who explained all this to me -- I never asked her about it. She's very quick to give detailed explanations of what went wrong on the truck, or the other driver. None of it was due to her disability. She won't even consider that.

The night I picked up Ellen at the parking lot -- the night she nearly hit the cop -- I told the officer that we weren't sure, but there may have been an abusive situation at home, and I asked him to check that out. Evidently she told him there was not; we also learned from Ellen that her friend Joe (whose apartment she stayed at Thursday night) knew the police officer. I'm sure that helped her avoid a ticket.

My wife and I are left wondering where the truth lies at Dorothy's house.

One thing I've always felt from her husband was a sense of frustration. He's had to watch this debilitating disease essential consume his wife physically and emotionally. Even before her illness hit, it was easy to see that she was the dominant partner in the marriage. He did the heavy lifting -- brought home the bacon, did all the big chores, etc., while she managed the house and the kids.

Hubby got a big bonus from his job about a year ago and a significant raise, so he bought himself a new Jeep. He had been driving a ratty-ass Nissan pickup truck for years, and I think he felt like he deserved something newer (the SUV she drove was paid for). Dorothy has complained about the Jeep since he got it; she even mentioned it Friday that it was proof that her husband is "different."

Ellen told my wife that she loves her Daddy's Jeep, but added that "he loves the Jeep more than he cares about us." Where the hell do you think she got that from? I'm sure that came directly from her Mom.

My wife and I both agreed in the end that the information from Dorothy is suspect at best, and probably not an accurate picture. Dorothy and her husband are at odds, though I suspect that its Dorothy's control issues that are (at least in part) at the heart of this conflict. I can tell you that her demands and controlling ways really were an issue with me back when I was driving her to her doctor's appointments -- and that was only one day a month.

When I took Dorothy back to her SUV, she told me she was going to remind him that she might turn him in for abuse if he didn't straighten up. There may be more to Dorothy's relationship with Joe, too. She told me that she calls him to come over all the time to fix things that her husband either can't or won't, according to her. Joe recently left his long-term relationship and moved into an apartment on his own; I wonder if there's a connection?

Back when Dorothy was calling us all the time for help and favors, they became an issue between me and my wife, and I would not be surprised if Joe's ex- got pissed about all the time that he spent catering to her many needs.

Joe is a super nice guy; he's the type of man that if you are his friend, he'll do anything in his power to help you if you need it. And he's always been fond of Dorothy. He's been doing a lot of running for her in the past year or two from what I can tell.

Dorothy needs someone who is there more. Her husband's job takes him out of town nearly every week. With a wife so ill and two kids to raise, there needs to be some caregiver there to help take care of all three. Of course, Dad has a very good paying job, and they have no family in the state to come help them out. So I suspect Joe gets a lot of phone calls for help.

I don't think we've heard the last of this. The next time Dorothy bails out to go to Joe's, I'm betting she will call us to watch one or both of the kids. And in my agreeing to help, I have to ask: Am I helping or hurting things? Am I enabling Dorothy's desire to be a controlling bitch and get revenge (real or imagined) on her husband? Or am I saving one or both kids from mental or physical abuse?

Dorothy never showed any fear of her husband, nor any real anger at any time we talked about him. She had no emotion about any of it; the message she had was clear -- he's not the man I married and he needs to get back in line.

If she calls to ask us to take the kids again, I'm going to ask her specifically if they are in danger, and I'm going to tell her that I will be calling the police about this. If the kids just want to stay over, then that's one thing; but if you're telling me the situation is so bad you want them out, then its time for the authorities to investigate.

---

In other news, our new washer arrived this morning; its chugging away as I write. We have a shitload of laundry to get done, too.

More to come, but not right now. The weather here is beautifu -- sunny and warm! I'm going outside!

I've been wanting to post an update tonight but I've spent the last 2 hours trying to get my phone to take new ringtones. Damn thing anyway!

As for the soap opera, I don't know much more than I did last night, but I know that my instincts are telling me to stay the hell away from any of this crap.

About 9 this morning I get a call from Dorothy. She's at Joe's house, where she spent the night (she's quick to tell me that she slept on the couch). Apparently she did not want her daughter Ellen to know she was going to spend the night at Joe's house, which is why she wanted to send her to my house. I don't know how she wouldn't have thought her daughter knew she was going to crash at Joe's -- hell, I figured that out right away.

Anyhow, Dorothy calls me the first time and I ignore it. Yeah, I'm a bastard. I figured if it was an emergency she would call back. She did. It wasn't an emergency, she just wanted me to come and pick her up at Joe's and drive her back to her SUV where she left it last night.

I can handle that, but I realize that nothing with Dorothy is ever simple as it seems. I get there and her service dog lunges at me through the storm door, ready to gnaw my leg off. "C'mon on in, I'll hold him," she tells me ... yeah, right! Like I'm going to let Cujo have my ass for breakfast??

Anyway, the dog calls down. I haul Dorothy's stuff to the truck, and she and the dog get in. She said she was hungry, but would eat when she got home. About 5 minutes later, she asks why I didn't turn to go to McDonald's. Huh? Yeah, didn't I tell her I would take her to McDonald's? Well ... no, but sure, I'll take you there. She orders and then we head to her parked truck ... only she forgets that she parked it there last night. She goes ballistic, trying to tell me with a mouthful of food that I just missed my turn to go to her house.

I have to gently remind her that she drove to town last night, nearly crashed into a cop, and parked her SUV in the parking lot. She remembers that after I tell her the story.

I get her to her car, and I have to tell you, she drove wobbly-assed on the way out of there. She made it home, but I can see why a cop would pull her over. If she still has a driver's license she shouldn't have one.

While driving this morning, she tried to fill me in on what's going on between her and her husband. She says he's violent and has hit them all at one point or another, which surprised me. If she's worried about her safety around hubby, why would you leave on daughter there with him? My wife, who has talked with Dorothy at length a few months ago, suggested that Dorothy's stories may be real, or imagined. She's on some high powered meds, for certain.

I told her if she feels she's in danger, she should have him removed from the home. Of course, my advice isn't worth shit. This is something she's got to figure out, though his kids don't seem to be scared of him. I'm not sure what to believe.

Dorothy made it sound like the stress of homelife was making Ellen crazy; well, I sure can't see it. Ellen seems to be enjoying not having her big sister around, and she's enjoying having our pantry to herself to raid. She's not been the least upset about anything; she's still here, spending a second night on the couch.

Today I had to pick her up at her school, and guess who else showed up? Her Dad. Ellen waved to him and he looked at me like "what the fuck is going on?"

Dorothy wanted to get home before hubby got back from work for whatever reason. I get this feeling that one daughter or another is going to "need" to come stay with us due to the "stress" in the family. If they're in danger, sure, but I'm already tired of Dorothy's bossy expectations, and frankly, I'm not sure how much of her stories to believe.

Ellen goes home tomorrow, and that's good. It's been about as long a visit as it needs to be. I just don't buy Dorothy's chatter about her hubby being violent and dangerous. I have a feeling if he hit her, her damn dog would tear his ass up. I'm not sure what to believe, other than I believe I'll avoid answering the phone the next time its her! Actually I couldn't turn my back on her, but I'm not sold on the story she's selling yet.

Tomorrow we go to Lowe's and pick out a cheap-ass -- cheapest we can get -- clothes washer. Still going to be about $350. Ugh!

I'm out of her for tonight. G'night.

Date:	2008-10-30 22:34
Subject:	From out of left field ...
Security:	Public
Mood:	curious

It's been a busy as hell day for me, and it ain't over yet. Along with what I knew was going on, we had a big surprise tonight.

My wife got a call about 8 p.m. from Dorothy, the woman who has the neurological disorder whose kids overstayed their welcome with us a couple of years ago. For more than a year, I drove Dorothy to her doctor's appointments a hour away -- even when her husband was available to do it. We wound up being their free chauffer and babysitter service, and that got so old I never wanted to help them out again.

This call came out of the blue. Dorothy called 7 or 8 months ago, wanting me to take her 45 miles away to a hospital for a minor thing that she didn't trust the local hospital to take care of. My wife wound up taking her to the local hospital by refusing to take her -- at 1 a.m. -- out of town. (Dorothy believed she had an infection in her hands, but the diagnosis was simply chapped hands).

Anyway, Dorothy's disease has progressed. Her meds make her loopy, and I think her judgment is skewed too. She called here at 8 p.m. to ask if her youngest daughter Ellen could spend the night. Huh? Why, on a school night does Ellen want to spend the night?

My wife didn't want to ask, but the implication was that Dorothy either didn't feel safe or was pissed at her husband, and was leaving home. The eldest daughter elected to stay home. Ellen wanted to go with Mom, but Mom didn't want her to stay with her wherever she was going.

Dorothy was supposed to bring Ellen here within the hour, but 90 minutes later, she called saying she would meet us at the Dollar Store parking lot. Huh? We weren't going anywhere we knew of. Well, the plan had changed. I wasn't sure if Dorothy was sure which way was up, she sounded confused, and I was worried about her driving her SUV to our house at night. My wife was ready for bed, so I volunteered to go get Ellen.

As I rolled into the parking lot, I see Dorothy's SUV with a city police cruiser behind it with the lights on. Next to her SUV is a pick up truck that I recognized -- it was a guy I knew who just left his wife a few months ago.

I roll up and the cop is looking at me like "who the hell are you and why are you here?" I tell him I had come to pick up the daughter. The young cop was confused as hell, wondering what was going on.

It turns out Dorothy had nearly hit the cop's car while driving into the parking lot, but never saw it. I got out and found Joe (my friend) searching Dorothy's purse while Dorothy was looking in a bag in the backseat for her driver's license. She couldn't find it.

Because of the screwy circumstances, I decided to tell the cop that Dorothy may feel she's in danger from her husband. He said he would ask, and he asked me to go ahead and leave as he didn't like lots of people hanging around his traffic stops. Like I was a threat?? lol!! Dorothy has a big-ass service dog in the back of her suv, and he's what the cop should have been worried about. The dog went after my wife twice in the past.

I had planned to ask Dorothy what the hell was going on. I don't know what's going on at home, but it appears she and Joe are being very friendly. After thinking about it, I realized that the dispute at home couldn't be over safety, she wouldn't have left her eldest daughter there. Because of the traffic stop I couldn't ask anything. I did listen on my police scanner in the car to find out what happened after we left.

I heard the officer clear the scene noting that he issued her a warning, and that she was leaving her SUV in the parking lot and going home with someone else. Hmmm ...

Back about 8 or 9 months ago, Dorothy called my wife and announced her disappointment in her husband. She had proclaimed that he was addicted to porn, and that she and the kids were devastated. They go to a very evangelical church, and Dorothy couldn't understand what he saw in images of beautiful naked men and women having sex. The sad part is that due to her illness, she and her husband dont' have sex ... what would she expect him to do?

Anyway, I don't know how Joe figures in the equation. Why didn't Dorothy take her daughter to Joe's house too? Is this still about porn? All of these questions and no answers. Ugh!

Ellen is asleep on our couch now. She's in sixth-grade now, and wow, what a couple years has done! She's much more grown up than she was a couple years ago. I think she and her sister have had to grow up a lot in the past year or so given their mom's illness.

I don't mind helping out or having Ellen stay with us, I just want to know what the hell is going on. Is Dorothy leaving her hubby for Joe? Has hubby been unfaithful? (I've always suspected he had a girlfriend, judging solely from how his business trips took him to one city most of the time!) Maybe I don't need to know the details, but if its a safety issue, I need to know. If the Dad calls her for the daughter, can he take her? I assume yes, but still would like to know.

I wouldn't be surprised if Dorothy no longer had a valid driver's license. She doesn't need to be driving anyway -- you should see her SUV! The poor thing has had the crap beat out of it.

I almost would drive to town to find Joe's house and find out what's going on. My wife says its better not to know. Part of me didn't even want to answer the damn phone, knowing it was Dorothy calling. I knew it was bad news. Ugh!

---

In other developments, I think I'm going to go move in with Joe and Dorothy. Our clothes washer died, and my wife is majorly pissed that I havent' gone to Lowe's to buy one. She won't ask me to do it, but asks what I'm planning tomorrow. I knew what she was fishing for, so (horse's ass that I am) I didn't mention going to Lowe's. Brother, did THAT fire her up!

She somehow thinks that Lowe's will deliver it to our house tomorrow. They won't do it tomorrow, it'll be Monday or Tuesday. That's not good enough for my wife, who apparently thinks its my fault that Lowe's can't deliver it the same hour we buy it. Time for this turd to jump back in her punchbowl. Wheee!

I don't know Joe's angle, though I suspect he's just big-hearted and trying to help Dorothy out. He's always liked Dorothy; I guess she's staying at his home the next couple of days. Dorothy asked my wife if Ellen could stay "a couple of days," which no one really knows how long that might be.

---

I'm going to fix a snack and some tea and check the fire ... the house is nice and toasty. My daughter built a fire tonight, surprise surprise!

My 12-step meeting went very well ... for the first time I served as leader. We had a new person show up, and the group continues to grow. It was a very good meeting.

G'nite .. until later ...

With a cup of hot coffee in hand, I'm going to write a few lines here about the whirlwind called "today."

First, I had an interview with the owners of a boutique about their business for the magazine. That completed, I had another appointment from 11-noon.

My session with my therapist filled much of the afternoon. I had a lot to talk about; it was a week ago this morning that I got the bad news about the weight loss surgery, and I've been trying to get over that bit of crappy news.

I shared with my therapist the poem I wrote, and we talked about how I felt now, a week later. The poem deals with my addiction, and the fact that I (somehow) did not follow through with a planned binge last Tuesday night.

My therapist pointed out that its been just over two weeks since my last binge -- a milestone that I had not really given myself credit. Saying "no" last week when I really wanted to say "yes" was an unusual moment for me. As was pointed out, it was big, but it doesn't mean I'm less likely to have a relapse; relapses aren't uncommon and unexpected. You just have to live a day at a time, and move forward.

In my poem, I wrote of the loss of the qualities that I felt I had found in the past six months of therapy. Last week it felt as though the positive changes, the progress had largely dried up and blown away. That's not true of course.

The loss of what I saw as a short term goal was real, but my therapist reminded me that I've always known this is going to be a long term -- even lifetime -- effort. The goal is the same, with or without the weight loss surgery. Everything I'm doing now is for the same reason as before -- its just hard to think of it that way when you're disappointed.

I was wrong to have blown off my Weight Watchers meeting last week and my exercise program too. I was angry and those decisions were made out of that anger. I won't do that again tomorrow. My therapist reminded me that I should never beat myself up for feeling normal emotions like with this disappointment. Anyone would have felt it too. The goal is the same, the results will just take longer. The struggle with food will forever be there, no surgery can eliminate that.

I wish I had that voice in my ear each day to remind me of this. Maybe that's what I need to do, hear voices in my head?? I'll need a psychologist for certain then!

---

Today is my daughter's 16th birthday, and after my appt. with my therapist, I went to our local hometown jewelry store (who also advertises in our magazine) and picked out some diamond earrings for my daughter to celebrate her birthday. They were probably more expensive than at Wal-Mart, but they really are beautiful. My wife and son are gone to his Boy Scout Halloween party, and as soon as they get back I'll present them to her ... oh hell, I should probably do it now, while its just me and her! I do that as soon as I get away from here.

---

Last night I asked my wife what exactly is it that's bothering her. I know that it has to be something, I'm only getting the recoil from it. She's feeling bad because the house isn't neater, and that comes from late last week.

My wife was trying to get my daughter and her best friend to get together, and one of the options was for her friend to come here and hang out. Our daughter seemed horrified at that option; she later told my wife privately that she's a little embarasssed to have a friend here (yeah, its an old house, and we're not the best housekeepers).

In the end, they couldn't get their schedules to line up, which was sad. My wife took it hard that our daughter was too embarassed by our house to invite her friend over (her friend lives in a very swanky neighborhood). I understand the social pressures, I was young too once.

Back when I went to the same high school, we were all mostly kids from working class families. It's changed a lot since. It amazes how many cars newer than mine the kids get given to them by their moms and dads. Not in my house, bucko!

---

I just presented my daughter with the earrings, she was genuninely thrilled and surprised. She hasn't hugged me that tightly since she was a little girl!

That's enough for this entry. G'night for now.