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"i told him that they should get you a car" [05 Mar 2003|03:52am]
[ mood | skdjfgbiaudrghazh ]

i guess this was what sparked the whole thing. the whole "get you a car" is sort of like walking up to me and spitting right in my face, and we all know that they've been there and done that.
so what am I supposed to do with this car, sit in the garage and stare at it's lifeless form in the dark, rip what's left of my hair out. i don't want a fucking car. it's very nice of them to offer but it's my place to refuse. and sacha says "get a mustang" because no one takes me seriously.
i dont even have a fucking drivers license. my grandmother told me that having a car would be incentive for me to go and get a license. because everyone in my family seems to be hellbent on me getting one. but i have assumed the starfish position in a tight corner and shall not be budged. i do not want a fucking car.
for the same reasons i don't care that it's my fucking birthday in two months and don't even want to think about it. and everyone's hellbent on reminding me. it's two months away, what the fuck. two months is a long time. stop reminding me. but no, it's "what do you mean you don't care? but, but, but, but, it's, it's, it's. you have to become this and this, and this and oh oh" ..and all i want to do is clamp my hands over my ears and lie very very still and think of funeral trumpets and white noise. because everyone seems to be hellbent on reminding me that i have nothing to fucking celebrate, nothing to look forward to. no reasons for anything anymore. and i know all this, and I'm so fucking tired, i can't understand why i can't just be allowed to lie still, i've pushed and pulled in so many directions for so long and i've gotten nowhere except further and further into this hole. i've had so many stupid plans and ridiculous dreams that they have made me sick and crazy, reduced me to a stray dog, and now i think i should be allowed to give in, and lie down. i should be allowed to be talentless and empty, left to the buzzing in my head surrounded by my plants. an ordinary minimum wage job and somewhere warm to fucking lay my head at night.
no art
no bright lights, big city
no car
no more big ideas


edit>>> why are my friends so fucking far away from me.
i want to go shoplifting at CVS, vandalize some parking lots. or mabey i want to say that those ideas are stupid and just go get some cappuchinos. augh.

[4] :: [don't talk with your mouth full]

survey time, my bitches. [21 Feb 2003|02:48pm]
[ music | pete and pete re-runs are playing on tivo ]

// series one - as usual
-- Name: Courtney
-- Birthdate: May 19th
-- Birthplace: Muskegon, Michigan
-- Current Location: Frederick, Maryland [thumbs down]
-- Eye Color: weirdish blueish greenish ish
-- Hair Color: dyed dark red/orange
-- Righty or Lefty: Righty
-- Zodiac Sign: taurus

// series two - describe
-- Your heritage: i have a lot of different shit in me.. irish, scottish, dutch, welsh, blahhhblahh.
-- The shoes you wore today: chucks. i think they're dieing though.
-- Your hair: redish, shaggy, need to trim it
-- Your weakness: hot pants
-- Your fears: heights
-- Your perfect pizza: pepperoni and sausage and extra cheese
-- One thing you'd like to achieve: going to school

// series three - what is
-- Your most overused phrase on aim: 'most definitely', 'fucking a', 'man', 'dude', 'hahaha'
-- Your thoughts first waking up: fuck, i'm going back to sleep.
-- The first feature you notice in the opposite sex: their neck. i have a thing for necks.
-- Your best physical feature: i think i have a good neck, and good eyes mabey.
-- Your bedtime: sometime in the early morning
-- Your greatest accomplishment: i quit smoking.

// series four - you prefer
-- Pepsi or coke: cherry coke
-- McDonald's or Burger King: wendys
-- Single or group dates: single
-- Adidas or nike: adidas?
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: neither
-- Chocolate or vanilla: mixed
-- Cappuccino or coffee: cappuccino!!
-- Boxers or briefs: uh, thongs

// series five - do you
-- Smoke: i quit.
-- Cuss: fuck yes.
-- Sing well: i think
-- Take a shower everyday: not every day
-- Have a crush(es): i don't know
-- who are they: you
-- Do you think you've been in love: no
-- Want to go to college: not really
-- Like high school: no, i quit.
-- Want to get married: yes
-- Type w/ your fingers on the right keys: are there wrong keys? oh haha ho
-- Believe in yourself: sometimes
-- Get motion sickness: sometimes
-- Think you're a health freak: haha no
-- Get along with your parents: mom-most of the time, dad-no
-- Like thunderstorms: yess
-- Play an instrument: air guitar! sometimes my real one but it frustrates me. if i can't play like john frusciante then i don't want to try, dude.

// series six - in the past month, did/have you
-- Drank alcohol: yes
-- Smoke(d): no =]
-- Done a drug: yes
-- Have Sex: no
-- Made Out: HAHA no
-- Gone on a date: no
-- Gone to the mall?: yes
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: no
-- Eaten sushi: i don't like sushi
-- Been on stage: no
-- Been dumped: no
-- Gone skating: no
-- Made homemade cookies: yes
-- Been in love: No
-- Gone skinny dipping: no
-- Dyed your hair: yes
-- Stolen anything: lipstick at CVS. hahaha i still have a little klepto left in me

// series eight - the future
-- Age you hope to be married: somewhere around 25 sounds nice
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 2 girls-Olivia & Emaleagh.. 2 boys-Abben & Ryan
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: crazy and unplanned
-- How do you want to die: oh, i'm not going to.
-- Where you want to go to college: no where
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: haha i am fated to be worthless, honey. it's in my blood.
-- What country would you most like to visit: ireland

// series nine - opposite sex
-- Best eye color?: i'm a sucker for a dark blue
-- Best hair color?: brown or black. or red. OR BLONDE I DON'T KNOW.
-- Short or long hair?: either. i kind of like a guy with long hair. gimme one of those dirty hippies.
-- Best height: 5'5". my hieght.
-- Best weight: what?
-- Best articles of clothing: hot pants hot pants!
-- Best first date location: wherever
-- Best first kiss location: IN YOUR PANTS

// series ten - number of
-- Number of girls I have kissed in my life: number of girls i have kissed? 3? i think that's right.
-- Number of boys I have kissed: 2? haha.. man i'm a slut huh? pshhh..
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: oh god.. can i not answer this one? those were the dumb times of my life. shut up, brooke.
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: I dont know
-- Number of CDs that I own: a lot.
-- Number of piercings: just 1 in each ear. i'm getting my eye brow peirced i do believe. once i get the guts. who knows though.
-- Number of tattoos: zero. patience, my pet.
-- What are they? ----
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: once for shoplifting, once for a 3.0. haha.
-- Number of scars on my body: too many
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: selling a lot of my cds.

[3] :: [don't talk with your mouth full]

milla jovovich [17 Dec 2002|07:25pm]
[ music | milla ]

it's milla's 27th birthday!!!!

[1] :: [don't talk with your mouth full]

[15 Mar 2002|07:03pm]
went to michigan for a week. too many pills. too much drama. and it sounds funny, but it was nice to see familiar wallpaper. the little swirls of paper in my grandmother's bathroom reminded me of apple cider and burning leaves. i could taste it all. (mabey it was the pills?)
after having one of our famous family fights, i slept like a dead man at the bottom of the ocean. it was the best sleep i've had in a long time. and i have a new bruise on my shoulder blade, compliments of Brad.
[don't talk with your mouth full]

[19 Nov 2001|06:48am]
[ music | john frusciante ]

john frusciante is fucking amazing. and that's all i really have to say.
his music is... dripping with everything.
and this music is basically the only thing i'm living for right now.

[don't talk with your mouth full]

[14 Oct 2001|01:13am]

Which Sifl & Olly Show Character Are You?
Brought to you by Fifth Dream Today.
[don't talk with your mouth full]

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