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broken_silence

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I'm about to literally kill my brother. [09 Apr 2005|08:38am]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Fuck. What the FUCK is wrong with him. Last night he went out, and once again he drank. HE FUCKING CRASHED THE CAR. HE WAS FUCKING DRUNK. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DRIVE AFTER YOU DRINK? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE FUCKING WORLD.

Oh my God. I can't believe him. I *cannot* do this. He was two fucking minutes away from the house, and he crashed. He crashed into a tree. The car is a write-off. THEN HE FUCKINGLY GOT CHARGED WITH IMPAIRED DRIVING. His license was provoque. And now he's in jail. Serves him the FUCK right. I wish he'd be in jail for the next week. Now, my parents are going to have to go through all this trouble like buying a new car and whatnot, because of HIS ASS. He's such a fucking moron. He drove home drunk once before, and crashed. WOULD YOU NOT HAVE FUCKING LEARNT THE FIRST FUCKING TIME? I told him how stupid he was. I told him he could've hurt somebody, or himself. I told him he's fucking selfish for drinking. Apparently, he doesn't care what I say.

My mom was crying. The last time I saw my mom crying out of pain was when her father died. That was 4 years ago. She told me 'We try to teach you guys write from wrong to the best of our abilities. In the end, it's up to you.'

I replied by telling her that that is the stupidest thing anyone could EVER do, and never in my life would I EVER do it.




FUCK HIM.

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hdsjkahsdjka. [08 Apr 2005|09:55pm]
Did I mention that Noel fucking sucks, and he hasn't talked to me in 2 weeks.

FUCK, I HATE MEN.
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No woman, no cry... [08 Apr 2005|09:47pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | Bob Marley - No Woman, No Cry ]

ah, I wish Bob Marley's song was actually the case. My dad...bah, you know the deal. Asshole. And for the past 3 weeks, he's been an even bigger asshole. I went to the mall today with Ilona after school. We got there around 5pm. Then, I phoned them to tell them where I was and then they started telling me how I had to be home. (It's 7:30pm) I asked;
'Why can't I come home at my usual time? We might go out after.'
'Usual time? What's usual time?'
'11pm'
'NO NO NO. THAT'S NOT WHEN YOU COME HOME. TALK TO YOUR MOTHER.'
...
'Your father wants you to be home at 9pm.'

Yes, YES IT FUCKING IS. I ALWAYS come home at 11pm, 11:30pm at the lastest. ALWAYS. He's on fucking crack. Ilona and Tamara decided to go to the movies...one at 10pm. Knowing that I'm clearly wouldn't be able to go to the movies, I decided that I'd just go home. Fuck it all. 9pm - I'm home. That's after the awkward talking with my mom in the car. At this point, I was crying. Got home, took a shower. Now I'm here.

Never in my life will I be good enough for him. Never in my life will I ever be his ideal daughter. I'm so tired of constantly arguing him. (Which I told my mom. I doubt she cares.) I'm sick and tired of having live up to these fucking standards. Fuck him.

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Ahha. [02 Apr 2005|07:11pm]
[ mood | Bah. ]
[ music | Nas - I Can ]

Last night, we went out with Sean. He picked me and ilona up, and then we went to pick up Sheila. After that, he phoned a friend, and I ended up in this guy's Steve's room. Quite frankly, Steve comes from a wealthy family, and is cute. Anyways, we went and dropped off Sean's car at his house, while Steve followed in his car. We all got into Steves car after, and headed off to the pool hall in Newmarket. Who woulda thunk it that it was closed for the past month...We met some of Sean + Steve's friends, 2 girls and a guy named Fifthe. We ended up at TimHos, and we're just sitting there waiting for something to happen, while Sean phoned to find another place. That was boring...but then this guy Terell came. We all jumped into Steve's car, while the 2 girls and Fifthe left. Then we ended up at Boston Pizza...man, Terell wouldn't stop talking - it was crazy. Haha, but it was fun. I got home at 12 though, and I was supposed to be back at like 11:15 tops. Mom was insanely mad, but she got over it fast.

Today I went to Sheila's with Ilona to go do a French project. Definatley didn't get done. Oh well, we did my comm. tech. project, and made Sheila into a man, and Ilona into a pregnant whore. It was beautiful. Hahahha.


As I'm writting this, I'm also angered - at Noel. His internet/phone have been disconnected, because they're switching companies or something. I have no way of reaching him, since he's been phoning from his mom's cellphone, and it's not like I can randomly phone it. So, the last time I talked to him, was Monday. He was like 'Ah, we have to do something this weekend blah, blah, blah, I'll phone later and we'll figure something out.' Here comes Thusday, no call. He still hasn't phoned.

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Hmmph. [31 Mar 2005|05:50pm]
[ mood | chipper ]
[ music | Wyclef Jean - Perfect Gentleman ]

This week has been long...very long. The weekend was awesome though. Thursday, I went to the movies with Serena and Sheila - then we saw Sean, which was awesome. On Friday, I went to Tamara's with Kelsie, and we played Mall Madness. Bahah. Then on Saturday, I went shopping with Ilona, Sheila and Tamara - I bought a dress for Noel's prom, but I don't know... Then Easter Sunday was great. Everyone was over, chillen, and then Lee-Ann said she was going to steal me the 28th of May - to go shopping in Detroit. If everything works, I'm excited as hell!

I've talked to Noel like twice, because his phone/internet are down, and I can't phone his mom's cell - because that would be weird. So, I've been waiting on him to phone me...we're supposed to do something tomorrow...but I haven't heard ANYTHING. I hate long-distance relationships. They make me depressed, and sometimes I think to myself - what the fuck, why should I even be doing this - It's not worth it. But, I heart Noel.

...dinner is ready...and it's 6pm. Odd. Maybe I'll come and write another one later.

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phew. [20 Mar 2005|01:59pm]
[ music | Fabolous feat. Lil' Mo - Can't Let You Go ]

Ah, so yeah, last night was bad. But right after I wrote that, I got on MSN, and Noel was online. Oh my God, he made my night 839201839201 x bijillion times better. I started laughing, instead of crying. Seriously, what would I do without him - I do not know.

- Snoopy-Summer rain whispers me to sleep & wakes me up again sometimes I swear I hear her call my name to wash away the pain says:

so you aren't the least bit curious about what i missed about you the most?

hmm

- Snoopy-Summer rain whispers me to sleep & wakes me up again sometimes I swear I hear her call my name to wash away the pain says:

i was going to say your voice

- Snoopy-Summer rain whispers me to sleep & wakes me up again sometimes I swear I hear her call my name to wash away the pain says:

but then i thought about it

- Snoopy-Summer rain whispers me to sleep & wakes me up again sometimes I swear I hear her call my name to wash away the pain says:

and i was going to say your smile

- Snoopy-Summer rain whispers me to sleep & wakes me up again sometimes I swear I hear her call my name to wash away the pain says:

and then i thought some more and your kiss your touch just the smell of you i missed the most

- Snoopy-Summer rain whispers me to sleep & wakes me up again sometimes I swear I hear her call my name to wash away the pain says:

so i guess i just missed you

- Snoopy-Summer rain whispers me to sleep & wakes me up again sometimes I swear I hear her call my name to wash away the pain says:

and the ass


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good mooded post stop now. [19 Mar 2005|09:12pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

Fuck. For once, just once, I wish he wasn't a fucking asshole to me. He's been on my ass the entire fucking week. He's trying to fucking lock me up in the house, and never let me go. I NEED TO GO OUT. I'm already sitting here, my Saturday night, doing nothing. So, trying to keep my night alive, I set a reminder for a movie. I told my mom. Time comes, no one tells me about my reminder, but thankfully I remembered a few minutes into the movie. I go downstairs, and then he says 'Well, we have a reminder now too.' So I say, 'What time is it at'. He gets up, starts swearing about how I can go watch my movie, blah blah blah, and makes a big fucking deal out of this. I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS AT. Whatever, I could deal with not seeing my movie, but dealing with his fucking attitude is killing me. I start yelling at him that he can go downstairs, and watch whatever because I'm not going to do what I planned on doing anymore. He yelling some more, and then I said 'I told mom about it. I told her I had a movie.' and he yells 'I don't care that you told your mom. I wouldn't care if you told the entire fucking world! It's not your house!'

This week, he has yelled and bitched at me at least 4 times, for simply wanting to go out ON MY FUCKING MARCH BREAK, and now for wanting to watch ONE fucking movie.

Fuck him.

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Ah, best weekend... [14 Mar 2005|02:54pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Don't Let Go - En Vogue ]

Well, since I've been back that is. Friday, Jess Brown came to school, and I went out with her and Alyshia for lunch. Then I got home, and Noel phoned to tell me he didn't know if he was going to get to talk to me again before he left. So we talked, and at the end he was like 'You know I love you right?' <3
Then Friday night I went out with Kels and Tamara to Jack Astors, where we had many...many blonde moments.
Kels: 'What meat would buffalo be?'
Tamara: 'Buffalo...'
Myself: 'Buffalos don't exist anymore do they?'
Bahahha.

Noel left at like 4am Saturday morning for Jamaica. Bastard...
Then on Saturday night, we went to Nat's house for her mom's big 50th birthday bash. Nat and I ate so much shrimp before dinner, it was great. And we were talking about our trip, and the guys and new years and all that which was great too. Then Ruth came, and we ate dinner and whatnot. Then it was time for the speech...
Justin: 'I've known my mom since 1982...but for the first 7 months, she was nothing but a boob to me.'
HAHAHAH! <33
Then we were playing with the balloons, not allowing them to hit the ground with Justin's friends. My chin, and Nat's head collided, and now it's hard. :|
I got home at 4:30am. Crazy eh?

Sheila phoned that morning, and asked if I wanted to go downtown. So Nicole, Sheila and I drove to Finch then took the subway. We were in the Eaton Center, not really wanting to shop, but we were making fun of soooooooo many people. Like the guy who was literrally the size of us three standing side by side, and the woman with the beard, and the guy's with dual-hair colours. Sheila had a great idea to go to this crepe place...not knowing where it was. We walked for like 2 hours, and stopped at 3 stores asking for directions. But everytime we got directions, we'd all jumble them up, and get confused again. Then Sheila was like 'It's across from Much Music!' and I was like 'Oh, that's on Queen St. West.' ... and they both looked at me and were like 'YOU KNEW THE WHOLE TIME!' Hey, I never knew where we were going in the first place. We get to the Hooters corner, walk towards Much, and then Sheila was like 'NO! It's around the other corner!', so we walked all the way back, finding ourselves in a alley, and then Sheila looked at us again and was like 'No no, it's the other way.' We finally made it to the crepe place, and mine wasn't even good. Quite frankly, it was terrible. Haha, then there was people going downstairs, and I was like 'What's down there?!' and Sheila was like 'Oh, it's probably a private party room.' ... we ended up down there. They were bathrooms. Lmfao.

Then we had to find a subway entrance. We started walking down Queen, ended up in Chinatown, and we couldn't find ANY red triangles. So I was like 'Guys, let's walk this way because it looks like there are banks and other hotels this way.' (Since they red triangles are usually there.) We ended up at a gas station, asking for the nearest subway station. He said 5 effing blocks. We finally made it to the King Subway station, and got on. We got to a stop called 'Osgoode', one that I've never heard of in my life. Anyways, we were playing with the camera, and having fun and whatever...and like 30 minutes later, Nicole was like 'Guys, why are we at Yorkdale?' ... we didn't pay attention. A few seconds later, Sheila and I look outside, and we're like 'WHY ARE WE AT YORKDALE!' which is on the complete oppposite side of where we wanted to be. So we got off, and then headed onto the other train. We went on the South subway, instead of the North one. :|
We were all laughing at ourselves, and then Sheila was like 'I looking at the map, and was like 'Oh, St. Andrew's is next, and subconciously, I knew we were going the wrong way, but didn't pay attention.' And then I was like 'I think it all went down from Osgoode'. Sheila counted the stops we had to go to to get to Finch. 30.
We spent a good 1h30 in the subway last night.

Bahahhahaha. Greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat time.

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Sighhhhhhhhh. [09 Mar 2005|09:42pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]
[ music | Selena - Dreaming of You ]

Noel leaves on Saturday. Today is Wednesday - shit, I actually learnt how to spell it. Anyways, we were going to make plans to see eachother on Friday - but that blew over. My parents are going out for dinner at my mom's ex-coworker's husband's new resturant. That's ok though, I mean, they have to have a social life too. So I have no ride anywhere - well, I'll probably have a ride TO some place, but not back.
And now Noel's friend just moved into a new house, so there's some party of some sort at his house...So Noel's going to go.

I suddenly realized why I never wanted to do a effin' long-distance relationship again - so many effin issues.
I just want to be a normal girl, with a boyfriend who lives 5 minutes away. So that we can be spontaneous, and just randomly go out - not plan anything.

Fook.

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Ah...prom... [08 Mar 2005|10:10am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I don't want to go to his prom. I mean....I'd have to find a dress...and effingly tell my parents. Then I have to go to the after party, which I have no idea whether or not I'll even be able to go there. Blah.

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South Africa Memories 2oo5 [03 Mar 2005|07:50pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

- chased by elephant (PMS)
- cat and mouse in sun city (reese + erin vs. parents)
- rudy's party (cassi piss drunk)
- bartending (cassi + erin = bartenders for life)
- cassi's school (Looking Good Canada!!!)
- 3 meals first day (Seafood paillea, fish + chips, BBQ snoek)
- cape point seeing nat (Omg, what the hell!)
- fubaar/tin roof (IT'S THE MOTHER FUCKING REMIX. LEAN BACK!! - Foam <3)
- cassidy - (Ew..)
- ostrich farm - rode/fed
- lion/alligator farm
- cango caves
- house on beach
- camping in gordon's bay
- climbing up rocks: penguins under rock - boulders beach
- henna tattoo with reese
- 'you walk to fast. let's try it step by step' - reese
- dad's side family reunion
- baboon laying on the street sign... 'slowly', 'don't drink and drive'

Ah, I'll add later.

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What'd up G. [03 Mar 2005|07:08pm]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | Jamali - Butterflies ]

Haha, I think this is my second entry since I've been back. I've been super busy with school and shit, and this past week I've been sick as a dog.

Anyways...I was on the bus this morning looking outside, listening to one of my songs from South Africa. I realized I'm not meant to be here, especially this town. I don't fit it, clearly I don't. I'm not all about A&E, Abercrombie, and 'rock' music. This place is so superficial. People paying big bucks for a pair of jeans, and just to 'fit in'. People are way to concerned with how they look. All I want is to wake up to those mountains, having the confidence to wear whatever I want, to see the palm trees, and most of all - my family.

People here throw away perfectly good lunches, while someone in this world doesn't have anything to eat. It pisses me off. I need to be somewhere helping people...or doing something to help someone else. I want to work with World Vision, or a organization like that one. But I don't know how, or why, so for now, I'll continue doing the graphic design idea.

I just want to live somewhere not as superficial...

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Back from l'Afrique. [11 Feb 2005|04:11pm]
[ mood | happy ]
[ music | Africa Music! ]

All my family lives there, so I went. I missed school for a month. But then I came back and had to write 2 exams...

I was at the beaches every week, tanning, chillin' with les cousins. The first time we went, I forgot that it's sea water...and so I swallowed some, and it was so effin' salty. And you can only going out a certain amount, or else the sharks will eat.

We rented a house for a week, and the ocean was right OUTSIDE THE DOOR!! Like, you're walk out, and then there was the water. Right there...It was so nice!

We went to this place called the 'Cango Caves'...a giant cave with numerous chambers. It was SO awesome.
Then we went to an ostrich farm, where my brother rode an ostrich. Then I fed one named Louise. And then we bought ostrich eggs down the road.

I went to a resort called Sun City at the end of my trip. It looked like PARADISE!! Literally, it was gorgeousss. One day they woke me up at 5am, and we went on a game drive. We saw so many animals. We were incredibly lucky to have seen so much...and that we got charged by an elephant. He was coming towards our van...running and tooting his trunk. My uncle named him PMS. :|

Throughout the month, I ate half the ocean, and half the fruits of the world. Mmmmm....

Then I came home to not-so-bad temperatures. But now my skin is bleaching. :(

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Today is the day... [27 Dec 2004|08:56pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]
[ music | Chingy - One Call Away ]

Actually, tomorrow is. We're leaving at 2am, and my journey begins. AHHHHHHHHH. :D
Our flight leaves at 6:30am...oh man, I'll be DEAD tired by then. And then we get to Atl. I'm going to Georgia, lmfao. That's so weird...Auntie Heather, Uncle Titch, and Em leave today too. But they get there on the 30th, where as we get there the 29th. OMG I'M EXCITED. FUCK YES. I want to cry because i'm so excited...and Noel isn't online. I'm so mad, because I want to talk to him before I leave. I know, over reacting considering I still have quite a few hours left. But still...:(

I went out with the girls today...well, Ilona, Kels and Tamara that is. It was a great day, lol. We went to Ben and Jerry's...then to the mall where I bought underwear. (Which, me, Kels and Ilona later put on our heads, and bounced our heads to 'gangster music' which was clearly like soft rock. Ahahhahaa) Then we went to Timmy Ho's...last time in a while. I burnt my damn roof of my mouth too. Fucker. They kept telling me that they hired a terrorist named Jim-Bob who's going to nail clip me to death. Lmfao. Then ilona phoned her mom, and her mom was like 'Oh, drop by...they can meet your aunt Suzi!'. So we did, met her and her two sons. Then I got dropped off at my house...aww, they walked me to the door. And I got a couple hundread hugs...I'll miss them.

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Christmas 04. [26 Dec 2004|01:56am]
MERRRRY CHRISTMAS!

Recap of gifts:

From family and Santa:
-Ceramic hair straightener
-Hair products
-3 Body Shop lip glosses
-Nail polish
-Silver bracelet
-Bag
-Nice ass purse
-Really cute ornament
-Bath and Body Works stuff.
-Clothing (Much of it that wasn't even a Christmas Gift from Lee-Ann, including a pair of sandals, and stiletto boots)

From Friends:
-Underwear/Shirt set
-Robe
-Pjs
-Elmo Slippers
-Gift Certificate
-Destiny Fufilled CD
-Oreos
-White-out
-Red satin Pj pants (From the boy.)

From Me to Me:
-Watch
-'In Her Shoes' book

Note: Coconut rum is the shit.


I'm blessed.
And I leave in 2 days.
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Jebus. [19 Dec 2004|08:35pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]
[ music | Jimmy Choo - Ashanti ]

It took so freakin' long to modify this thing, since I didn't know what I was doing. But I got the hang of it...and am yet to be done. :)

I leave in NINE FUCKING DAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS.

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None... [13 Dec 2004|09:41pm]
[ mood | chipper ]
[ music | Hi Tek feat. Common - The Sun God ]

Have you ever felt like you just want to be isolated from the world for a while? Like you just want to crawl in a corner and rock for no apparent reason? I feel like that. Maybe it's also the fact that I feel ignored by my friends...
Whenever I talk to Ilona, Kevin is right there. When I talk to Kelsie, Shawn is right there. Sheila is always doing homework, Tamara is always babysitting. JessJo, Sarah and Julie are always together. Noel's always there to talk to...but not in person. Aww, I heart him...a lot. <3

Ahhhhhh SEMI WAS AWESOME. Mat blew chunks on Sarah's table though...Noel was sick for a while too. But man, he was so flipping HOT. And I was hot that night too...which makes a hot COUPLE. Yes, we decided that we were together as of then. Anyway, for dessert we had orange sherbert IN A ORANGE. It was crazy and Serena had to help me. Oh PS - Mahad, Kerri, Serena, Sheila, Sam, myself, Noel and these other grade 12s were at our table.
Noel ended up coming back to my house...we started to watch Scary Movie 3...we didn't see much.

He phoned me the other day from the mall not knowing what to buy me for Christmas. Well I told him pjs, but he said there weren't any at La Senza...so I made him go into Silk n' Satin. He found something there. I'll buy his gift in SA though. :D

Ooo....I have 15 days until I leave. Oh God I'm excited. Adam and Jonathan are having a blast over there right now...Cassi told me that we'll go get pierced together - my nose, her belly. I'm reluctant on that though...AIDS isn't my friend. But besides that, OMG, I'm fucking tripped out about this. YAHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOO.


I shall depart...Toots.

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A whole other post for Noel. [28 Nov 2004|10:17pm]
Gotta love him. Sweetest most amazing guy ever. Talked about Eric last night...here's how it went down.

- BLACKICE -she's my high, she's my life, she's my drug, i'm so addicted to her love says:

all you need to know is that you're beautiful and he probably regrets it and he will never have a chance with you again

i know some soldiers in here [ wouldn't mind putting that on me ] RIP Pluto <33 nicee night. says:

i wish it was that easy, but i was so into the guy...i became stupid. . i really don't think he regrets it though, didn't take him too long to jump on another girl. like up until early september i was still 'seeing' him. but then i met you..and since you're amazing, i started to dislike him. haha

- BLACKICE -she's my high, she's my life, she's my drug, i'm so addicted to her love says:

yea i guess it aint that easy but just reassure yourself always that no man should be able to hurt you cuz it's his loss

- BLACKICE -she's my high, she's my life, she's my drug, i'm so addicted to her love says:

and its nice to know i'm amazing

- BLACKICE -she's my high, she's my life, she's my drug, i'm so addicted to her love says:

know that no matter what goes down between me and you i'll never hurt you



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Ooogly. [28 Nov 2004|10:12pm]
I need to twirk the colours on this thing. They're too...pink.

FOUR DAYS UNTIL SEMI!

THIRTY DAYS UNTIL SOUTH AFRICA.



What what!
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Teared. [20 Nov 2004|11:55am]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | I'll be Missing You - Puff Daddy feat. Faith Evans ]

Last night I had to put Pluto down. I've had him since I was 2, and literally grew up with.
I always prayed that I wouldn't be the one who would find him in the mist of dying, but I did. He wouldn't walk, or sit down, which was completely unusual. I called Ryan, and told him to get home.

With his enlarged heart, enlarged liver (which both never caused harm), and suddenly tumours within his ears, last night was inevitable.
Ryan had to leave to go to work, which was horrible. I feel so bad for him. My dad offered to go in for him, but he went.

So there I was, standing in the vet's office with my mom and my dad. We had two choices - put him down, or do further testing. After 15 years, putting him down seemed better. He wouldn't be suffering anymore. We had to decide whether or not we'd be present when they were doing so. At first, no one wanted to and everyone was bawling already. But then I didn't want him to go, being in a room with unfamiliar faces. I told my parents I wanted them to be with him, but didn't know if I could.
I realized that I owe it to him to be in there. So I did.

He went peacefully, and we got a clay paw print to remember him by. After 5 straight hours of crying last night, a horrendous headache, I'm doing OK now. I just can't stand being in this house, it's too errie. I think I'll go out somewhere...

Ah, RIP baby.

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