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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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the sound of the keys clicking on my keyboard |
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its the first entry. always the hardest to think of something to write for this one. bascically this isn't for anyone. i'm making this to remember. i always forget and then when it comes to the time, i need to remember, im at a loss of words and the rest of the world throws theirs at me like knives. right now i haven't done anything all day except for sleep, and try to avoid waking up. when my mom turned on her fucking bluegrass music i had no choice and got up and got some cereal. then i watched tv, got bored with that, then came in here and read some random journals that were kind of odd, and then i finally brought myself into the shower. now im here, talking to you people about my day...
last night i went to battle of the bands.
it wasn't at all what i had expected. first of all, i woke up thinking the day would be great because i would get to develop a couple pictures, and practice with some "friends" and then go see battle of the bands which i'd been waiting all year for but no...
of course that couldn't happen.
it's not much to anyone else, but i would kill for a day like that. so i went to school, and the day started out okay, but god worse. i did all of my pictures wrong and the negative faced the wrong way and by the time i figured it out, the bell rang. then alizsha and becky were fighting, as usual, over alizsha "controlling" becky which is such bullshit because if you spend even a day with them, it is completely clear that alizsha adores becky and is always doing shit for her and getting her stuff because becky doesn't feel like it and then becky makes fun of her all the time and alizsha is always giving in. i just watch. it's amusingly frustrating. so after school alizsha was pissed off and said she wouldn't go practice today because of it, YET she "HAD" to go over to becky's (and yes i would put the word "had" in italics if i knew how). then i called later to ask for a ride to battle of the bands and she was crying and telling me not to worry about it. when they picked me up she was all smiles and bright eyes. she said becky apologized and made her a ham sandwhich so all is okay now. i sat with my head pressed against the window of the car, listening to her talk about her wonderful sandwhich. hoping things would get better, we went and sat at battle of the bands, front row. the first band, the fifth, sucked ass. well they didn't suck, (the guitarist at least) but the singer's voice made me want to like hurt myself. he sounded like a mouse in pain with a long, agonizing voice. tonya sat behind us, with shawn, and some other chick. yummy tonya. she has a nice smile. its so simple... she's so simple, but maybe that's the best part. her name doesn't fit her at all. i'm too afraid to talk to her after jimm told her i thought she was cute. well the bands were alright. blistered glory was really good. sara came up to us and talked to becky and alizsha a little. i didn't say anything at all, just listened. finally i worked up the courage to tell her good luck. she faked a smile and nodded her head and then gave me the "fuck you" trademark sara look. you know, the one that burns your eyes, just thinking, she was once your best friend in the whole fucking world. yeah that look. anyway, so i tried to make it through the next band, but something in me was forcing me to think about her. why was i there? why was i sitting next to the two people, who are so consumed in each other, to even notice me? i got up and left. i ran. everywhere i went was wrong. no one even attempted to follow me or ask what was wrong the whole night. i went back into the auditorium and just waited it out. when wicked stitch came on the crowd went insane. maybe the only reason i didn't was because i had heard it everyday for two months. they sounded really shitty though... well compared to before. people were headbanging in the stands and chanting wicked stitch's name. after that we left. i went to tell ivan he put on a damn good show and gave him a hug. then like tons of "groupies" came up and did the same, so i left and found alizsha and becky. ivan said he wanted to go get high and then alizsha was like "oh so he does that now?! ... well there goes my respect." and so yeah i said something. i told her she can't just lost respect for people just for that and that that's not everything he is. she was like PISSED OFF and saying "WHY ARE YOU TRYIN TO START SHIT?!?" like repeatedly all annoying like. becky came between us and stopped it. they drove me home. the seperation was expected and they spent the night at alizsha's. i came home pissed and dissappointed and went to the bridge. i wrote a little. i ran there. it was nice getting everything out on paper, as freakishly suicidal it was. i'm giving up and i'll have to live through life, to please everyone else.
my parents went out clubbin and i need to get out of this house and breathe some air that isn't through vents. i'll write tomorrow.
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