| there are many things that i would like to say to you, but i don't know how |
[01 Jul 2003|11:55pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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oasis - wonderwall |
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ahh i know it's been a couple months. i've tried to blog, but once it got erased and then it just wouldn't let me log into it. i had tried numerous times but then gave up. but, WOOHOO it's WORKING! besides, it is nice to have a more private blog, considering offline people know about my domain =/
i am so damned tired it isn't funny. i hung out with amy from 1 until 8 and then jim came over at 8 and we had some beer and rum.. and i was a bit tipsy and as we were walking down to see the fireworks i broke my cigarette and jim and i burst out laughing and i felt on my ass from laughing so hard. too bad jim and i only had maybe 2 hours together. but it was great seeing him two days in a row. i really think i am falling for him. actually i know i am. every time we are in each others arms, i feel like i am whole. it is just the most amazing feeling in the world.
i need to add a couple people to my friends list but i'm too tired..
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| my thoughts touching every second that i spent waiting for you |
[21 Apr 2003|04:35pm] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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vnv nation - beloved |
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bah. i got back from the mall two hours ago. let's just say, i couldn't wait to get the fuck away from there. amy came to the mall with me and she was just being such a bitch. i was looking at clothes and she's all "i don't want anything here.. so let's leave" so she grabs my arm and pulls me out of the store. she did that every time i went into some place. i hate it when people pull me places. fuck off bitch. don't push me around.
i really want to talk to jim but.. i'm too much of a dork to call him. i don't know what i'm worried about. he calls me about every day so it's probably time i call him. i don't know why i'm so nervous. i'm just feeling like why do i even deserve to be with him? he's so great.. and i'm just not. i haven't talked to him since yesterday and i feel so empty. i've never felt like this before. i love feeling so close to him. i've never been able to talk to someone so openly. i'm being such a pussy right now. why don't i just pick up the phone and call him? i had the phone in my hand for about 10 minutes desiding weather i should call him or not. it's not like he wouldn't want to talk to me, is it? but that's all i'm thinking. ugh. someone please slap some sense into me.
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| walking through a life decayed, while your repeating your mistakes |
[20 Apr 2003|06:14pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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lacuna coil - daylight dancer |
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wow. i never thought my life could change so much in so little time. ever since i've gotten out of the psych ward (end of march) everything has changed. and for once, that change is good. i'm on new anti-depressants that are really working for me. it's good that they make me drowsy because now i don't have sleeping problems. i've been getting out a hell of a lot more and seeing old friends. i have hardly any anxiety. i got back one of my math lessons and i got 98% on it. i started going to a different independent school earlier in march and now i'm around people my age. i'm fitting in pretty well there. also, this is probably the biggest help: jim. we've been going out since the 9th. okay, so it hasn't been that long but i've never had a boyfriend before. it's so amazing. i've never felt like this before. ever. i have a very hard time trusting people but i feel like i can confide just about anything in him. when we are together the time just goes by so fast. i love it when he puts his arms around me, and looks at me like.. like he sees something amazing about me. i can seriously say that i can see being together with him for a long time. and i'm pretty sure he thinks the same thing. he told me that i won't be lonely on valentine's day. (i started cutting on valentine's 2002). i really hope we are together for a long time. gah, i must sound like such a dork but i'm happy. i can't even remember the last time i was truley happy. maybe when i was 5. i just feel incredible.
my mood first when i started writing this was confused.. i felt like.. i really don't deserve to feel happy. i shouldn't feel like this. i'm nothing special. but, i guess i am a bit confused. i don't know about what. but maybe it's not conufusion at all. well, it will be if i keep blabing on about it. erm.. i think i'm going to go outside and.. run around in circles so the neighbours can look at me wierdly. ah damn, slight problem. i have one neighbour and i doubt she's home. well that ruins all my plans. i'm going to go enjoy life. ahh i never thought i would ever say something like that.
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| i'm lost in a dark dream and losing control |
[20 Apr 2003|01:13am] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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blind guardian - lost in the night |
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amy was supposed to go shopping with me but at the last minute she called and told me she had to do other things. ugh that pisses me the hell off. i did something like two weeks ago. i got grounded so she couldn't go to town with me and she didn't talk to me for a week. bitch. anyway, that means i went into town with my mom (yeah we get along so fucking well. not) but at least i got the shirt i wanted.. after numerous fights. i can't stand her most of the time. she wanted to look at easter stuff =/ wow, now that's fun. i got pissed off. she was there for like an hour. but after she dropped me off at jim's house. he came running down the street when he saw me get out of the car and brought me up the street to meet some of his neighbours. one of them saw us a few days ago walking around holding hands and they said we were a cute couple =D so when i met them, one of them said "you're so pretty! and you are so skinny, you could be a model too!". that made me feel better about myself. i have such horrible self-confidence. jim keeps telling me i'm beautiful but i just don't see it. i wish i could see me through his eyes. but then maybe i wouldn't want to. i wouldn't want a huge ego boost. lmfao. so he and i went over to the coffee shop that's just a few houses down from his. we chatted for a while with the guy who owns it (jim knows almost everyone in his town.. unlike me and mine). i was saying something about jim should get points for something (i can't remember, damn zoloft size effects) and murry (guy who own's the place) was like "and once he adds all of the points up, what will you give him?" and i replied "oh.. i'm sure i could think of something" and he told me i was blushing. really appriciate it when people tell me that because it makes it even worse. we went back to his place and we went out in his rowboat. stfu. it was nice, okay? he lives right on the lake. i took a puff on his cigarette and he was watching me and i got all nervous and inhaled a hell of a lot and started coughing. it was NOT funny okay? i've smoked all of like twice before that? that really helped my athsma too oh yeah. the joys of chemicals. whoa i just realised it's 420.. haha. anyway, the rest of the time on the lake was stopping in a little area with lots of trees and cuddling (i guess would be the right word). when we were on the way back to his place, he jumped out of his seat and across the boat and kissed me. omfg, it was so sudden it scared me. not to mention the not-exacly-the-most-sturdy-boat we were sitting in. but that's okay, i enjoyed it ;) ahh damn it's 1am. and i'm super-tired. i'll finish writing about that later. yet another side-effect of zoloft.. being constantly drowsy.
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