Saturday, April 9th, 2005

Subject: Good morning!!! Time: 10:21 am. Mood: sick.

Good morning. Wow its been awhile since i wrote an entry this early. Anyway, the only reason i am is because i'm bored, Eric is sleeping and i dont want to wake him up, i dont have to get ready for work yet, and i'm sick again this morning and i'm trying to keep my mind off it. This sucks. I was nauseous for most of the morning yesterday and my stomache is killing me today. Thats the last time i let my brother make me breakfast. Also it could be because i havent had my pills for almost two months now. Yeah theres a really good chance thats it, stupid me. I would have gone sooner but i havent really had the time to do it. But its kool i'm going on the 13th of this month and then i'll be allllllllllright. lol. Owwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My tummy. Sorry about that. Anyway. I cant wait to go to work today. Its Saturday!!! I'm working this weekend which is two of the best days to be working in the groom shop. A lot of appointments, and usually good tips. I sure hope so. I could use them. I really do enjoy my job, especially now that i'm getting really good at it. I can do my dogs fast but be thorough. By watching the groomers and asking questions i've been able to pick up a few tricks and come up with a few of my own. Like from Miss Patty i learned how to fluff a dog's ears and dry them at the same time considering most of them that need to be fluffed around the face are breathing challenged dogs which cant be cage dried. And if you dont fluff their ears the look scruffy. And most stuck up rich owners dont like that. lol. either way it helps out a lot. From chassidy i leanred how to gt my dogs bathed faster and dry by the time i need to brush. So this way my dogs are done fast and out one after the other. From Scott i've learned how to rough dogs in this way the grooming time is cut in half. And i came up with the nifty trick of fluff drying without a fluff dryer considering the shop doesnt have one. If i take the nozzle off our smaller high velocity dryer then its a warm breeze good for around the face. Yeah that might be boring and useless info to all of you, but for me it helps out a lot. I cant wait to start grooming school. I wanted a career where i could be around animals mostly dogs and help them, so i thought a vet was a good way to go. But i know i woudnt be able to deal with sick animals and loosing them or putting them down. I never thought of grooming. But now that i have i like it. And i'm still helping out animals. How you might ask? Thats what i used to think. But actually and this is a fact. Over 50% of our clients dont notice rashes or other ailments with their animals but we do and for half the stuff they get treated for is because we recommend it be looked ar by a vet or because we noticed it and brought it to the owner's attention. Plus we groom the rescue dogs for the adoption days and what we do to those dogs gives them a better chance of getting a family. Also believe it or not, regular bathing and grooming, ear cleaning and nail clipping, and tooth brushing actually do extend a dogs life. I'm not gonna go into depth with it, but a cleaner dog leads to less external problems that in the long run and if left untreated create internal problems which can kill an animal. So to sum it up, I get to make a dog look good and be healthier at the same time, and i enjoy it a lot. It really does give you a lil high to see your work stand in front of you and have people appreciate it. I like what i'm doing and from all the kisses i get, the animals like it too. lol. Well i really didnt expect this entry to be all about work but i guess it just came out that way. Man my stomache still hurts real bad. Nothing else to say so bye bye!

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Subject: All Sorts of Feelings Time: 8:29 pm. Mood: busy.

Hello blurty peoples!!! Lifes been ok, not the best but not the worst either. I mean it could be pretty bad but its not at all actually. Let's start with work. So my manager thinks i'm good enough for grooming school. So most likely next month i will be going and i will be gone for a whole month. I"ll be staying in a hotel room, and probably only coming home for the weekends. In a way its pretty kick ass. I get some peace and quiet to myself. I wont have to deal with anyone. But the down side is, i'm gonna miss Eric so much and my baby Hope (my dog). But in the long run its all for the best. Next subject my dad. He's coming home next month. Its gonna be crazy having my bf and my dad under one roof. Thats some interesting shit.Lol, wish me luck on that one. Speaking of the handsome devil. lol. Yes he is extremely evil. He has a job now, i'm real proud of him. The hours suck, especially if i gotta open the grooming shop. I dont get to see him until late in the afternoon and he's most likely catching some sleep so he can work that night. It suck soooooo bad. But luckily his two days off are the same as mine for the next two weeks. So he's doing good. And we've been fighting lately but we always resolve it. Its real nice having some here for me, i like it a lot. This morning i was sick and this afternoon too, he made sure Elisabeth didnt bother me so i could sleep. I like having dinner with him. Seeing him hella happy, and laughing. Or when he has his dorky moments, which i find hillarious. Honestly, i dont think i've ever smiled so much or laughed so hard in my whole life, that is unless i'm with him. Theres just something about my sweetie that makes things good. Also i think he's the only bf i've had that actually asks for my opinion or even cares that i have one. Its good. Moving on. I feel bad in a way. My friend Randy also one of my bosses is getting misunderstood soooo bad. Randy is a kool guy. Thats why he came with Jose and I to Tony Romas for lunch the other day. Oh yeah Jose is my new buddy. He works in aquatics. Pretty kool fella. But such a damn pretty boy. I like picking on him for it, its funny. He came and sat in grooming and talked to me because i had nothing to do. And i've been helping him out in aquatics since he's so behind. Nothing but a slacka. lol. kool guy though, good friend. He wants to go to the movies this coming thursday but i wanted to go with Eric. I dont gotta see whats up with it all, i'm not stressing over it because i might not feel like going out anyway. Well alls well thats ends well. I hope you all are having a good week and i hope the weekend is kick ass fun. Love ya Tony. Thanks for the comments!!! Bye bye peoples!!!

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Subject: The Good Life Time: 9:16 am. Mood: awake.

Hello everyone!!! Its been awhile since i've been on here, i've been really busy and really havent had the time. But i do now, so i'll fill you in. First work. Its been good, but i'm starting to really hate Alex, he's getting on my nerves. Also Jenny is kinda a problem. Whenever her and I close she disappears and my options are 1. clean without her. or 2. wait for her and be late getting off work. I'm pretty much sticking with number one, more now because my salon manager said she might get fired. Scott is back from vacation, yay!!!!! My buddy and new partner in crime. Scott and I get along the most out of anyone else in there. Basically because we like the same things. I can talk to him about Jenny and he completely agrees, and anything else that does or doesnt go on in the groom shop. Lately we've been basing our convos on outside of work subjects. Mine and his views are a lot alike and when we disagree i love argueing our points to eachother. So far we have gone over cheating, sex, relationships, music, and he likes when i talk about Eric. He said the other night that he can tell just how happy i am. I'm glad it shows because if he sees it then Eric probably does too. Another good thing going on with work is my clients. I'm building up a good clientel. So far i have 5 owners who have taken my card and been very pleased and wanting to come back for me by request. Theres the black pug who i've done twice, daschund-Baby, and my two newest clients from yesterday Mrs. Rossi-with Dakota the St. Bernard, and Anthony White-with Duce the yellow lab. Between the last two i made $18 in tips. I will be seeing Dakota in 2 weeks. Mrs. Rossi was very pleased with my work, she said the dog looked brand new, and the most fun part i loved doing that giant teddy bear. Moving on. Secondly is my house. Everything here is going good. Eric is getting along with everyone and my brothers like having him around and the dogs are used to him. My mom thinks he's a good person which is really great. And my dad hasnt flipped out on me yet about him being here or lectured me at all. Eric got the Walmart job. He did his orientation yesterday morning and worked his first shift lastnight. I kinda hated it because since i had to work i barely got to see him. I think i saw him for like 2 hours total yesterday. It sucked but theres nothing we can really do. Thankfully i'm off today, and Eric got home like 2 hours ago so he's sleeping now in my bed. I dont want him sleeping out on the couch where all the noise is and Elisabethe can wake him up. But its kool, i dont mind at all. So he can sleep now, i gotta wake him up at 11 so he can watch Yugioh. lol, dork. Until then i think i'll do my chores now so we can spend a lil bit of time together later before he works again tonight. So now me. I'm hoping to go back to school soon, right now my work hours are kinda steady but theres always a chance they will change. I cant wait until i'm done with that, and then its grooming school for me. Petsmart pays for my schooling and because they pick the school, and its kinda far away, they set you up in a hotel room and pay your expenses. Pretty kool. I'll probably go to the one on John Young. I dont want to go all the way to Tampa. Pain in the ass. Other then that i'm doing fine. I have a doctors appt. on the 13th of April and then my dog Hope has a vet visit the next day. So yeah i've been pretty busy. Eric and I are doing fine. We had some pretty big fights lately but we are getting through them. Alot of it is just misunderstandings and then yelling but we deal. And when the arguement is over it feels pretty good to just cuddle up and give love. Well thats all from me for today. I'll try to write more often, i hate having a journal and ignoring it. Well, i got chores to do. Take care everyone and i hope you all are doing great. bye bye!!!

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Subject: Happy Days Time: 9:49 am. Mood: accomplished.

Hey everyone, god its been awhile since i updated this thing. Well i got a lot to talk about, so much has been happening and i guess between work and trying to spend time with Eric i've been pretty preoccupied. I guess i'll start with the saddest news first. Well i got my puppy on friday but the reasons i picked her out for is also the reasons i had to have her put down. The poor lil thing had a severe case of parvo. She was internally bleeding and it just wasnt worth treating if she was going to be in soooooo much pain. I'm just glad she could have a family for five days and a good place to call home. But even with that big downer everything else has been real good. My job is great, i'm getting really comfortable in the grooming salon and i have made up a routine that gets my dogs in and out fast with thorough service. My dogs dont seem as bad anymore, i guess Chassidy was right. The more comfortable i get the more easier the dog is, if i let them pick up on my nervousness they will misbehave. I'm doing real good there and the people are great. I guess maybe the hardest thing for me is kinda the appoinment book and customer records. I know it sounds easy but there is a lot of complicated crap that goes with it. Theres dogs you should or shouldnt book for certain times, dont give this person that dog to groom, never book a cat once someone gets back from vacation, cancel this/write up that, vaccination records, appt.'s months ahead. It all sucks when you dont have a schedule to go by. But i'm learning, thankfully Patty has been helping me with appointment book and Chassidy is teaching everything i need to know about the animals and grooming techniques. Sue was nice enough to explain the clippers and started teaching me all the different cuts. Scott gets back on Sunday which i'm sooooooooooooooo excited for!!! I love working with Scott he's a lot of fun, and i feel the most comfortable around him. With Sue i'm always laughing but i feel intimidated because she knows so much more than i do and i know she doesnt mean to make me feel like that. Patty is sweet and makes me feel very aware of myself. Chassidy just makes me nervous because she is THE salon manager. Brooke i just dont really talk to at all, and Jennie, shes a lot of fun but she acts like i cant do anything at all. Every nail clip i get she thinks she needs to teach me how or take them because i'm not capable. It sucks! But thats work for ya. My new friend, the stock boy, i finally got his name, it's Brandon. Funny guy, a big dork. Randy and i have been hanging out a lot at work. I think i'm the only one who doesnt give him bullshit. But its kool, he bought me dinner lastnight, which was sweet of him. But its only because he can't fix the AC. Moving on!!! Ok so Eric was supposed to come here yesterday but he didnt. He came on Sunday!!! Yup he's been here for awhile. At first it was hella weird, he really didnt look happy to be here and i was just hella uncomfortable around him. But now its ok. I dont know, i came home on Tuesday and there was guys stuff in my closet, crazy shit. And when he was sitting on my bed, damn, never thought he would ever be there. But out of everything its real nice. Especially when i come home and someone asks me how work is and i get a hug and a kiss. Or just to have some affection everday, god i miss having someone actually want me to be with. I can't remember the last time i felt this good inside. He makes me feel hella good in many different ways, and i love taking care of him. He gets along with everyone, and my dog is warming up to him. Good shit. Right now he's off at Walmart trying to get a job, he looks cute in his outfit, i felt needed and smiled to myself when he asked me if i could iron his pants. lol, i know its crazy but damn, i really can't believe he's here and i'm absolutely really in love with this guy. Yeah we have had our lil fights already and they suck because he's right there and he just looks at me and i want to foregive him but i'm too stubborn and pissed to do it. Well, thats about it, lots of interesting things going on, and more to come. Well i got stuff i need to do before Eric gets back and i get distracted. Hope everyone else is good, Bye bye!!!

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Subject: Happy St. Patrick's Day Blurty People!!! Time: 8:44 pm. Mood: devious.

Hey everyone its been an awesome holiday. By looking at me now you wouldnt realize i'm part irish but hell yeah i am. Anyway, being irish we had the typical dinner. Corn beef and cabbage, potatoes and green beans. And hella beer. I dont drink anymore so i had to let my family down there. So i went to go get my damn ID today. First we missed the turn, then we couldnt find it, we got directions and had to go all the way back where we came from and farther. Got there just to find out that the location was moved. Get the directions for the new location, and its not a bad 40 minute wait just to get up there and be told my baptismal certificate isnt a sufficient primary source and now i need to order my birth certificate because it got lost in the move. I couldnt open up an account with bank of america, which sucked but this other bank my mom uses let me so its kool now. Now i'm all grown up. I got a good paying job with lots of oppertunities, and i enjoy it, kool people to work with who are now friends, working on my learners permit, and i'll be starting school by next month, my health is alright, i'm saving up money for Eric's and my apartment, and i'm an adult with a bank account. Very sweet. So my day even though it sounds stressful was pretty good because i learned to laugh it off. But Eric was being a big sweetie. He went and got a PS2 and its supposed to be a late birthday present. What a guy, i love him. And its now 6 days until Eric will be here. Dum, dum, dum!!!!!!!!!!!!! The week Eric gets here my uncle from NY is visiting and he's coming to my house. If he finds out Eric is living here he will go back to NY and tell my dad and then there will be hell to pay. But thing is even if my uncle doesnt find out, my dad might be coming the next week for a visit and then there will be no way to play hide the bf. lol, poor Eric not even a week here and he's gotta deal with my psychotic family. Moving on. I can't wait until tomorrow. I get my new puppy!!!!!! Hopefully i will. I still dont know how much it will cost me, i'm hoping i can afford it. If not i dont know what i'm gonna do. Not only do i not wanna get on Debbies bad side but i dont want to have to back out getting it for my brother when he's all excited. Dammit, i wish i was a rich girl, lol, actually i think i'm rich enough. No i dont mean money, i mean in life. Thats all that really counts. But i really want my puppy. Her name is going to be Hailey, my brother came up with it. And she's soooooo tiny and cute. Dammit, i want that dog!!! I'm getting frustrated and i got someone who needs sense slapped into his big head. Goodnight everyone!!!

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Subject: Happy Birthday To Me!!!!!!!! Time: 9:12 pm. Mood: loved.

Hi everyone, i'm having such a great day. Birthdays are usually not good for me especially last year. Everyone basically forgot my birthday last year, but its a whole turn around this time. Eric said Happy Birthday at exactly midnight lastnight, it was sooooooo sweet. Then even though i was sleeping he woke me up at 8:50 this morning to say it again. And he even sang it to me. Aw, what a guy i got myself. Mmmm.... he treats me great. On top of that i read his blurty and thought it was sweet, just one of those things that make my heart melt. Not only did my bf remember my birthday but so did my family. My dad and aunt sent me cards, and my dad's card almost made me cry, he wrote lil things in there in spanish and called me something i havent heard him call me in a while. My aunt sent the usual $50 check and the card that always has meaning. My brother Joe made dinner so i didnt have to, Tommy gave me a bear hug, i think he cracked a few ribs, and Chris gave me a soar arm, i hate birthday punches. My niece gave me a green (my favorite color) care bear, which i love so much, it jingles. And my brothers and sister gave me some clothes. I like the denim skort, i'm gonna wear that and this pretty blue top i have for when Eric comes next week. I was supposed to go today for a new ID and to open a bank account and cash my paycheck but the damn weather sucks ass. So tomorrow will be a busy day. Even though my day has been all smiles I do have a downside for the day. The puppy i'm in the process of adopting may cost too much. I gotta pay for spaying and i asked the people in Banfield what it usually costs and they said $230, Alex said if thats true Debbie will charge me most likely, $150. I still can't afford that. I have some bills i need to pay and things i gotta be saving for. I need to put aside some money for Eric's driver next Wednesday, and then pay my mom rent. I can't afford anymore than $90 for the dog. I can pay 60 of it and my mom said she will chip in 30, due to the fact that the dog is technically going to be my brothers. I've been trying to get a hold of debbie to ask how much so if its too much she doesnt bring the dog friday for no reason and considering i work that day if i cant afford her then it will be less heart break on me to not see it. I really hope it will turn out good, i have my fingers crossed. But other than that lil infortunate turn of events its been a damn good birthday. Eric and I's 9 month anniversary was a really really really good one. We didnt fight, we joked around and i didnt hang up on him not once. He's such a great guy and i love him so much. I didnt think guys like him really existed and i'm glad they do, especially the one i got. lol. Life has definitely turned around a lot. I know i've been through a lot, last year was a complete car wreck. But i would have gone through it all again with no complaints because i like how it is turning out. All i need is for Eric to stay in my life. I know its not good and smart to rely on someone so much, but why not rely on him for my happiness when i have the confidence and knowledge that he isnt going to leave my life or me. Eric is my up and down, my good and never my bad, my angel, and hero and best friend. He is the only person i can share everything with and the only person that i would seriously, honestly and wholey trust my life with. I know with him there is no pretending, i dont have to guess what is or isnt right for us because we communicate enough for me to know exactly what is or isnt acceptable. I shared all my dreams with him and sometimes i cant believe what he said because out of life we want so much of the same things. I'm not afraid to show him who i am because he accepts every part of me and never makes me feel ashamed of being myself. Sometimes after talking to him at night i gotta stop and think for a lil bit. I gotta give myself a second to come down out of the clouds and sometimes a lil pep talk to make sure it is all real. I know its silly but the feeling i get inside is incredible and its something i havent ever felt. Its like when your on a ride and you go up and then down really fast and you feel as if your stomache is still up and your excited too, and your head spins a lil and he leaves me feeling all flusterd and happy. I guess this is what it feels like when the world is perfect. There is such a thing as true happiness and i found it in the one and only person i would ever want to find it in. People fall in and out of love all the time, i've done my share of falling out and on my face, now that i've fallen in love with Eric i know i could never fall out because he is one person i know that would catch me. To anyone who has ever doubted love because it has done them wrong i would tell you this. It may or may not have been love, but whatever it was it did bring you happiness at one point. Just because it doesnt bring you happiness anymore dont doubt it. That person just wasnt meant for you, everything has a reason and a purpose and when you think you lost the love of your life or your soul mate you have just lost someone who was sent to teach you something so that when you do meet that one person that is meant for you, you wont pass them up and you wont lose them. Happily ever afters do exist, and my fairy tale is just beginning. Goodnight everyone.

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Subject: Long Day Time: 8:50 pm. Mood: excited.

Hi everyone. Its been a long day. 3 dogs in 8 hours. And i got done hella early. I"ve been extremely bored and Jennie and i have been practically fighting over phone calls and quick service customers all day. All three of my dogs were pains in the ass especially Lila. I never hated a dog so much. Moving on. Although the day altogether was boring, it did have an interesting point. I think Jennie was trying to hit on me. I dont know i was leaning over the desk and she wasnt exactly looking me in the face, and i dont know if it was an accident or not but she bumped into me and her hand kinda fell on my chest. Weird shit. She asked if i was mexican and i said yes and for some reason she found that very interesting and was just looking at me with a raised eye brow. I dont care if she's a lesbian, i've had gay friends before and been hit on girls before but because its someone i work with it makes me a lil uncomfortable. Tomorrow is my birthday, YAY!!!!!! I'm gonna be an adult, wacky shit. But its ok, anyone want to guess what i'm doing on my birthday??? Cleaning. By choice, i need to clean my room seriously. I still have a lot to do before Eric gets here. But i have th next two days off, and they took away my friday off and gave me an extra day and hours. I'm so dumb, i forgot to clock in this morning Randy started yelling at me and i thought he was serious but he was joking and had me write my schedule down and my break time and he said he would personally put it in. Thank you Randy. Eric is coming in 8 days, yippee!!! I'm so excited, yay. So its been a really good 9 month anniversary for us so far. I'm hoping it will last. I can't believe next week Eric will be here, damn, Weird, very weird. I'm so used to him being so far away and coming home and seeing him in my house and most likely in my room, damn, hopefully not on my bed, major turn on. Anyway, yeah, at first it will be strange and nice and then it will just be a huge comfort and hella sweet. Mmmmm...... Eric at home, cant get better. Well thats it for me, i got peoples to talk to and phone calls to make, a bf to not fight with, and a bed waiting for me.

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Subject: Very long survey. Time: 8:59 pm. Mood: accomplished.

What is your name? Felicia Are you named after anyone? Soap Opera charachter. What's your screename? Azteckisses87 Would you name a child of yours after you? hell no If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be? Felipe If you could switch names with a friend who would it be? Solae Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly? yup, Felesha Would you drop your last name if you became famous? in a heart beat Basics Your gender: female Straight/Gay/Bi: straight Single? no If not, do you want to be? hells bells no Birthdate: March 16, 1987 Your age: almost 18 Age you act: i dont know Age you wish you were: 18 Your height: 5 ft 2 Eye color: dark brown Happy with it? no Hair color: reddish brown Happy with it? no i want it red red. Lefty/righty/ambidextrous: lefty Your living arrangement: my parent's, hopefully for not too long Your family: is loud Have any pets? 4 dogs, 1 fish Whats your job? bather/brusher Piercings? one per ear, i want my nose and tongue done. Tattoos? not yet Obsessions? OCD Addictions? old ones, pills and alcohol Do you speak another language? spanish Have a favorite quote? do unto others as you would have them do unto you Do you have a webpage? no Do you live in the moment? not anymore Do you consider yourself tolerant of others? yeah Do you have any secrets? not anymore Do you hate yourself? yes Do you like your handwriting? yes Do you have any bad habits? insecurities What is the compliment you get from most people? you're so cute/sweet If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called? Broken Angel What's your biggest fear? losing someone Can you sing? yup yup Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool? ew no Are you a loner? lately yes What are your #1 priorities in life? family, Eric, love, happiness If you were another person, would you be friends with you? yes Are you a daredevil? not anymore Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself? everything Are you passive or agressive? both at times Do you have a journal? yeah, one online, one notebook What is your greatest strength and weakness? Strength- caring Weakness- insecurities If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? PCOS Do you think you are emotionally strong? no Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life? yes i regret leaving someone on June 21st of 2003 Do you think life has been good so far? ealry years no, the past 3 years sortta and the past almost 9 months definitely. What is the most important lesson you've learned from life? everything happens for a reason Do you think you are good looking?............ Are you confident? i'm learning to be Are you perceived wrongly? yes Do You... Smoke? no Do drugs? no Read the newspaper? everday Pray? yes, everyday Go to church? once in a blue moon Talk to strangers who IM you? yeah when i'm bored Sleep with stuffed animals? yes, Wlanut the teddy bear Take walks in the rain? if my mom lets me Talk to people even though you hate them? yeah Drive? no Like to drive fast? i'll never Would or Have You Ever? Liked your voice? no Hurt yourself? many times Been out of the country? no Eaten something that made other people sick? no Been in love? duh! yes. Done drugs? do lots and lots of pills count? Gone skinny dipping? yes Had a medical emergency? yes Had surgery? not yet Ran away from home? yes when i was 5 Played strip poker? yes, and i didnt lose. lol Gotten beaten up? no Beaten someone up? yes Been picked on? yes, but that didnt last long Been on stage? yes Slept outdoors? yes Thought about suicide? hell yes Pulled an all nighter? yes If yes, what is your record? 32hours Gone one day without food? no comment Talked on the phone all night? yeah, i miss that. Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex? yes, all the time. Slept all day? yes Killed someone? almost Made out with a stranger? yes Had sex with a stranger? no Thought you're going crazy? yes Kissed the same sex? mhmm. Done anything sexual with the same sex? no, but.... i'll leave that story for another day. Been betrayed? history repeats itself. Had a dream that came true? yes Broken the law? yes Met a famous person? yes Have you ever killed an animal by accident? no On purpose? hell no Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell? no Stolen anything? yes. chapstick i was 6yrs old. Been on radio/tv? yes Been in a mosh-pit? no Had a nervous breakdown? yes Bungee jumped? no Had a dream that kept coming back? yes Beliefs Belive in life on other planets? yes Miracles? yes Astrology? yes Magic? yes God? yes, he brought me my angel Satan? yes Santa? yes Ghosts? yes, meet casper. Luck? no Love at first sight? yes Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)? yes Witches? yes Easter bunny? yup i saw him!!!! Believe its possible to remain faithful forever? yes Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow? no Do you wish on stars? yes Friends Do you have any gay/lesbian friends? yes, Alex!!!!!! Jennie Who is your best friend? Eric, Leo, Jake Who's the one person that knows most about you? Eric What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you? be honest Your favourite inside joke? Ask Eric Thing you're picked on most about? height Who's your longest known friend? Jason Smith Newest? stock boy Shyest? Brooke Funniest? Tony Sweetest? Patty Closest? Eric Weirdest? Eric Smartest? Jodi Ditziest? Brittany Friends you miss being close to the most? Darian ,Jake, Trey, Leo, Nadia Last person you talked to online? Adam Who do you talk to most online? Eric Who are you on the phone with most? Eric Who do you trust most? Eric Who listens to your problems? Leo Who do you fight most with? Adam Who's the nicest? Tony Who's the most outgoing? Alex Who's the best singer? Scott Who's on your shit-list? Nadia, Mario Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend? uhhh..... Who's your second family? the Hongs Do you always feel understood? sometimes Who's the loudest friend? Sue Do you trust others easily? hell no, that takes years. Who's house were you last at? Leo's Name one person who's arms you feel safe in: its gonna be Eric, but Jake was comforting and a good shoulder. Do your friends know you? a selected few. Friend that lives farthest away: Jenny - England, Londie - Jake, Darian, Kal, Juan, Danny, David, Justin Love and All That Do you consider love a mistake? only when its the wrong person What do you find romantic? the lil things, and when someone comes up behinds me and gives me lil kisses Turn-on? my secret, only one person is gonna know and has to find it. Turn-off? where do i start? First kiss? Shawn Buller- Pre-K- school bus If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel? I would be flattered. Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them? yes, usually do. Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out sometimes? Who made those stupid rules up? Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractive? lol yes. Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking? ............ What is best about the opposite sex? It includes Eric What is the worst thing about the opposite sex? some are real jerks and i dated most of them. What's the last present someone gave you? A heart clock that was engraved. Are you in love? hell yeah Do you consider your significant other hot? he's a cutie Who Was the Last Person... That haunted you? melissa You wanted to kill? my sister That you laughed at? Joey That laughed at you? scott That turned you on? Eric You went shopping with? my mom That broke your heart? Eric To ask you out? Leo To make you cry? Leo To brighten up your day? Debbie- new puppy That you thought about? Eric You saw a movie with? Court..lol You talked to on the phone? Eric You talked to through IM/ICQ? Adam You saw? Tommy You lost? Stephanie, (shes still alive but i feel like i lost her) Right This Moment... Are you going out? hell no, i just worked Will it be with your significant other? i wish Or some random person? no one What are you wearing right now? pj's Body part you're touching right now: leg What are you worried about right now? charging my cell What book are you reading? Eric better read me a page tonight What's on your mousepad? 2 puppy's Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling: achy, exhausted, excited, happy, goofy Are you bored? not really Are you tired? nope Are you talking to anyone online? no i'm all alone Are you talking to anyone on the phone? no Are you lonely or content? lonely Are you listening to music? no Now you try.

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Subject: Happy!!!!!! Time: 8:06 pm. Mood: crazy.

Hello everyone. I"m so happy. My new job kicks ass. I was extremely proud of myself when i got my first real paycheck. Damn it looked spiffy.lol, and this week its my birthday!!!! Happy happy joy joy!!!! I wasnt really excited about it but i am now. As it gets closer i look a lil bit more foward to it. This wednesday, geeze, as Eric would say i'm becoming a woman. lol. Made a new friend, new stock boy at Petsmart. One problem, i've talked to him like twice and i can't remember to ask his name. Dammit! He's nice and hella tall. I was helping out with his books for training. Yesterday i was booked solid, busy up to the very last minute. Which kinda sucks considering that it was dead slow today. But one thing did make me very happy today, i adopted a lil german shpherd female puppy. She's so cute. Its a big suprise for my family. Well half of it. I get her either tomorrow or friday. I cant wait. The dog was going to be mine but my brother really likes her so i bought it for him. Late birthday present. I had another suprise at work today. My friend Leo stopped by. He said that he didnt want to end a friendship over the phone, so i took a 15 minute break. We sat outside and talked about Eric for a lil bit. Then we talked about me and Leo. He said i was kool and he told me why he liked me so much, only because i asked him. I dont know i've been feeling insecure lately and hearing what Leo said cheered me up a bit. Then we said what we called the last goodbye, but he didnt leave without telling me that if i ever needed someone just to talk to he would be there for me, and he even added and if Eric ever acts up i can kick his ass for you. Not exactly what i expected, really shocked me, so i just said ok, gave him a big hug and said bye. I missed Leo but we made a choice together because its best now we'll stick with it. So if anyone caught that lil insecure part, here's what i mean. Lately i kinda felt like things have been changing between Eric and I. Just seems like we dont talk about some things like we used to. Just because we changed our routine a lil at night. So i thought by changing it back we would talk more about some of the old things again, but it wasnt that. I just didnt feel like we were making plans anymore or like some of the sweet things he used to say, he doesnt anymore. But i realized its not that, its not anything, guys just do that. Anyway before i realized that i changed routine, did some crying, and tried desperately by trying to find out what it was. I tried being extra sweet but i wound up just getting upset and being bratty to Eric. Not a good thing to do when he's supposed to be getting on a plane soon to be here. But everything is fine now (i think). I'm feeling a lil better, although i still miss some of the old talks, but we got plenty of time for that when he gets here. Ending on that note, Eric's count down is now to 9 days until he's here, YAY!!!!!! Come Next Wednesday at probably 11:15-11:45pm, Eric will be here, HOME. I'm so happy about it. A lil nervous too, i dont know why. This week and next week is going to be the best. Tomorrow is Eric and I's 9 month anniversary, lol, then its my birthday, then St. Patrick's Day, and then the following Wednesday, Eric is here!!!!! So yeah a lot has been happening and it sucks i havent been able to update, but its ok, i did it now. Well, i'm outta here, bye bye!!!

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Subject: Weird Day Time: 7:50 pm. Mood: bouncy.

Hi, work was kool. I got bit by my first dog, three times. Made sooooooo many phone calls. Refused service to one lady because her dog was too stressed. I had to close again, my schedule was all messed up, but scott and i figured it out. He bought me lunch today and since we were the only ones there we ate in the groom shop together. He bought me a drink too later on, and then he went next door and got us candy. Pretty kool. I met his friend Josh, nice guy but a lil weird. Eric thinks he likes me, i think not, why would he like me, he doesnt even know me?Alex and i started our own lil gossip trade off, i like talking to him, he's nice and funny, and gay, yay!!! lol, i like having gay guys as friends, they're a lot nicer than a lot of guys. He took a picture of me without me knowing until it was too late to object. On other news, i'm starting an official count down to Eric's arrival. It is now 15 days!!! Yay. Well, i know this wasnt very interesting, but it was something. Goodnight everyone!!!

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Subject: I'm Glad But Sad Time: 7:57 pm. Mood: annoyed.

Hello everyone. I had a pretty good day at work. I feel bad because this girl Desiree who has been wanting to be a bather/brusher too, got kicked out of the training program because i was hired, and i feel hated because well i am hated. Not by Desiree, but by this girl Jennie. She is another bather/brusher and she doesnt like me because i got hired and she thinks i'm gonna either replace her or cut into her hours. I dont care though, i'm just gonna do my job and do it right of course and there will be no way i can get fired or in any trouble. On a better note my manager Chassidy is extremely impressed with my progress and Scott thinks i'm a hard worker. Yay!!! I feel good about that. Hmm...... what else??? So next week is my birthday, i'm hella excited, can't wait. I was gonna get a tattoo but i'm kinda rethinking it. I want my first one to be Eric's name on my wrist like a bracelet, so i want him here for it. Plus i think being 18 and all, i want to spend it with my mom and family. I'm used to spending it with them and celebrating it, and since last year pretty much sucked i think this year will be better. Not only this month is it my birthday but it is also the month that Eric is coming, YAY!!! Can't wait. Well i'm all thought out. I'll probably update in two days, gotta work a later shift tomorrow, probably will be tired. Goodnight everyone!!!

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Subject: Yippee!!! Time: 9:01 pm. Mood: excited.

Hello everyone, god i've been having a good week. Been doing the hands on training at work which was so much fun, I got all puppies. I wanted to take one home, her name was Tyson and she was a pure bread champagne german shepherd. She was so cute, my mom was looking at her too but didnt have the money this week to get her. Too bad. Oh well, its ok hella people were looking at her. Also Patty was nice enough to show me how to check in and out our clients. And some woman actually asked for my card, but mine arent there yet, but it was sooo kool. I felt special. Shakira at work was pissed because i was doing the check outs and i asked her for help to bring out two golden retrievers, stupid idiot rather go smoke then help out a customer, stupid people. Its kool though, she helped, but shes getting fired anyway. I got the weekend off and i'm enjoying it, doing some work for my mom. I'm remodeling the bathroom for her. Mosiaced the vanity sink, and tiled the sides, recawked the bathtub and fixtures, pulled out the old wall fixtures and patched up the holes, repaired the curtain rod and cleaned the whole damn bathroom, i just need to grout it tomorrow, gotta let that shit sit over night. Also went and helped my mom clean her room. I was supposed to go bowling with my sister but she ditched me for her friends, its ok though i'll remember that, lol. Fuck tomorrow after finishing up the bathroom i gotta clean my room, its a mess and i want to clean the carpet, its not dirty but it hasnt been washed in awhile. I'm such a clean freak. I finally got a real schedule for next, i'm hoping my smock will be there on monday, i got soaked yesterday. Great great news now!!! I got Eric a plane ticket for the 23rd of march, and he will be here for sure this time. Nothings keeping my baby from being here. My mom suprised me yesterday when she called him her future son in law, my mouth literally dropped, and my face turned bright red. To make him feel more like he is one of us, she went out and got him his own like plastic container. All the kids in my house have a plastic shoebox for their bathroom things and she got one for him and bought him stuff to go in it. She got him shampoo, shaving cream, and razors, and shes gonna buy him more stuff to put in there when he gets here. I'm so excited, i'm gonna get to spend time with Eric and when i get home he's gonna be here. I'm also glad he's gonna get to be out of his house and away from a lot of unnecessary stress. I feel bad when he gets real mad because of his parents. It sucks, but yeah, everythings real good with him and me. And work is perfect. I hope everyone elses lives are good. Goodnight!

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Subject: My Job Time: 8:03 pm. Mood: crazy.

Helloooooo!!! I'm very very happy and hyper right now. I can't sit still really. I've been training for my new job since Monday. I finally got to train in my department today, and i was loving it. Everyone was really nice, and sooo much fun. Randy was back today, he was helping me out on his break, pretty kool. Cherie is sweet, she took care of me and ordered me around today, and is getting the rest of my things like my shirt, smock, and badge done. Sue was showing me some of the groomer things i need to know. Brooke showed me bathing, and Shakira just asked me a whole bunch of questions, and Scott was helping me out with the Splash books. I start Splash training tomorrow, its a 16 unit text book, with a workbook, and 3 tapes. I cant start splash yet because i dont have the workbook, and Chassidy isnt there to watch me do the hands on activities, and if she doesnt see me do it then i cant have it checked off and passed on my splash checklist. It sucks. I'm going there at 7am tomorrow so i can get more of my splash work done, i have to have 30hours of splash training done before i can do it all on my own without supervision. Gayness. But other than that its all good. On another note, things are really good with Eric and me, no fighting lately which is always plus. But i'm so stumped on something. I gotta get something planned for his first night here. Something sweet. I want to take him up to the lil pond with the fountain but its too dark over there at night. I dont know i gotta see, plus i wanna make sure he wont be too tired from his flight. I really want him to be here next week, i dont want to have to wait any longer than necessary. (sigh) So i'm just waiting now. Damn i've waited three years, i guess a few more days wont kill me. Still, i need my sweetie here. Well thats all for now, nothing interesting. Bye bye!!!

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Subject: Today The Sunsets, Tomorrow It Never Rises Time: 9:29 pm. Mood: hyper.

Hi. Well, i dont know what to say anymore, let me fill you in i guess. So Eric's been using these nicotine patches and they cause you to go through some bad mood swings. I promised i would bare with him and i'm trying real hard to. I'm proud that he's doing everything to not smoke again, but damn, this is hard on me too. Eric has never been a person who has yelled at me or called me names in a serious manner, but in the past two days that changed. He's always been patient with me, never lost his temper real bad or snapped at me. Lastnight that really changed. He didnt have to yell to make the words hurt, but they did. He called me a fucking bitch, and i was in complete shock because i didnt do anything to deserve it. All i did was ask him to be serious so i could find out what airport he would be coming in on. I dont know if he wanted me to hear him or not, but he said it kind of low, but i heard him either way. It hurt, and it pissed me off, and i lost a lot of respect from him. I called him an ass once, and he felt disrespected, i have never called him stupid or anything else like that. I never say fuck you, or any other form of that word when i talk to him, but to call me that, it crossed a line. Either way because it was a mood swing i foregave him, and everything has been pretty much kool today. I've been training and finishing up paperwork since 12:30, got done around 6:30, gotta go back tomorow and do the rest. Anyway, i get out and theres a message on my phone from Eric. Saying he feels like shit, tried calling but he didnt feel like talking, then i got another message, he wanted to die, i got worried and scared and i was trying to be there for him, but he wont let me, like usual. i got kinda annoyed when he ignored me and then he sent another one saying, "i'm sick what else you want me to say." He couldnt have just said that in the first place, i'm sitting there going, "oh no, what happened, who said what now?" I was worried about him, and i got attitude for it. I'm trying to be patient and understanding, but damn, i hate when he bitches at me, i feel lil. I get enough of it from my dad and everyone else. I'm hanging in here but i hope its all over soon, i love him, and i'm proud of him, but damn he's worse than a girl pms'ing. I guess its just been everything i been through, everyone yelling and bitching at me, Eric's become my comfort zone, my safety, where everything is different and everything is always perfect. I've never had that comfort zone change on me, and now that its beginning to, it sucks. I just hope it all stops pretty soon, i'll endure it because i love Eric, and i support him, and i know there isnt anyone else like him, just kinda hurts lately. So like i said before, my day started out alright. Met some kool people. Randy, Scott, Brittany, Deydi, Nicole, Shakira, Patty, Kritstine, and Julie. I'll be working mostly with Scott, Shakira, and Patty. They're all nice. Randy is one of the managers, he pretty much kept his eye out for me all day, got me all my materials and answered whatever questions i had, and told me to go home and rest up for tomorrow. I met another girl named Brittany but she was kinda bitchy. Then there's this one guy Alex i need to meet, everyone saids he's real kool, he's supposed to be a trainer. Deydi is hella funny, and the other Brittany called me sweetie, lol, she was fun to mess around with. I'm supposed to stick close to Scott, he said he'll teach me everything and help me pass my groomers test. Yay, right now my title is bather/brusher, Chasity is my manager, and we get to do voluntary grooming for the homeless dogs. Yay!!! Shakira is quiet, Patty is an older woman and loud and she likes to shake things up, lol. I got a feeling there is something everybody wont tell me about grooming. Everyone was laughing when i told them what department i was working in, and saying i'll have lots of fun. Hey, and the kool thing is, i get my own card, oh yeah! I had to do hella stupid shit just to get to know the store, like a scavenger hunt, watched two movies and did a work book on one, and a whole bunch of questions where i was supposed to go around and bug the employees. Brittany was the only one who knew about cats so when i came over to ask her questions she went, "ew, a rookie, go away." We kept joking around and stuff, she told me who was nice, who was a bitch, what to watch out for. I wont be working with her so much because she's night shift, but i'll be working with Deydi a lot. Scott told me to hurry up and get done with my books because he needs me badly in the back. From what i heard we get swamped. Good, i'll keep busy. Well, thats about it for now, i'm really liking my new job, especially the people. Oh yeah, Patty said i'm the baby of Petsmart, i'm the youngest one there so far, lol kool. Anyway goodnight everyone!

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Subject: Precious Moment's Time: 9:25 pm. Mood: thankful.

Heaven's Lil Helpers Heaven's angels watch our world, Although we're not aware. Like shpherds gaurding little lambs, They tend to us with care. From the moment we are born, They're with us every day. Sitting close beside us, As we learn to crawl and play. We grow up very quickly, And they're with us as we do. And every birthday that we have, They celebrate it too! Whenever we try something new, An angels by our side. And every time that we succeed, All heaven beams with pride! They help to keep us on our feet, Whenever we might stumble. And help us get back up again, If we should take a tumble! The angels light the way for us, When we are feeling lost. And lift us over tricky paths, Too difficult to cross. When we're sad the angels come, And help us dry a tear. And when we're hurt they nurse us till, Our pains all disappear! They watch what time we rise each day, And when we go to bed. And as we fall asleep they light, The bright stars overhead. In the winter angels decorate, Our world with sparkling snow. And in the spring they send us rain, That makes the flowers grow! They make bright rainbows in the sky, Too beautiful for words. And fill the air around us, With lovely songs of birds! The angels guard each living thing, The large as well as small. And pray for peace and happiness, To touch us, one and all. Let's give thanks for all the angles, Sent from up above. Who bring us comfort , give us hope, And fill our world with love! - I give thanks to all my angels. Eric- for always being there when i needed someone and for showing me what true love really is. Grandpa- for making me laugh and giving me someone i could always rely on, i'll always be your Peewee. Grandma- for teaching me how to cook and life's hardest lesson's to learn. Mom- for taking care of me, teaching me to be independent, and giving me an example of what strength is, i know you have sacrificed a lot for us. Dad- you may not have stuck around for me, but at least you stuck around for other reasons, and thanks for the example of what i never want to be. Tony- for listening when i needed someone to go to and always giving your best advice. Darian- for the one night in the alley, you saved my life everyday i knew you. Kal- also for that one night, and for never failing to amaze me. Mr. Hong-for giving me a place to call home and adopting a daughter in the process. Nadia- even though we aint friends anymore for showing me how to drink and pass out, but mostly how to flirt. Juan- for taking my place. Jorge- even though you werent the guy for me and i'm sorry for what i put you through, thanks for easing the pain. Aaron- i hate you but you showed me indurance. Adam- it took me awhile to come up with something, but for showing me how to numb myself so the world couldnt hurt me. Kim- how to fight. Tom- how many ways i could kill a person and the video games. Chris- how to throw a football. Joe- even though we arent twins like everyone thinks, for being one of my closest childhood friends. Elisabeth- you've taught me patience sweetie, i love you sobrina. Hope, Sarge, and Val- giving me something to care for and a reason to get up. Everyone else i missed, thank you. Goodnight.

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Subject: Lastnight's Brainstorm Time: 8:31 pm. Mood: creative.

There are many times i've stared at an end, but rarely have i had a beginning. It is hard to trust when all you've known is lies and even more difficult to open up after locking yourself away for years. When someone is accepted when going for so long as a disappointment that is when you have to take more than one look to convince yourself it's real. All those times of crying alone makes you frightened to at least once use a person's shoulder or convince yourself that it is fine to smile. It takes only one moon to light up the night and only one fire to heat a room. This is also true for the heart and soul. It is true that it takes only one right person to find a lost soul through the dark and one love to warm a heart whose been dead from being bitter and cold. You think you have hit bottom and it's all over until the top caves in and burries you to the lowest level you can be at, but just when you allow yourself to believe it's done, it's not. Just like all things lost you are found. And when discovered he makes you feel as if you are a treasure. Every regret becomes a counted blessing, every wrong choice is corrected, and every fork in the road becomes a single path. Day by day you find more of yourself thats been hidden and fear's on you fades away link by link like a chain at your feet. Even though the pain has less of an impact now, it is not foregotten, just a ghost or old scar. All the happiness missing from your life you find it in that one person. The security, the safety thats been lacking is there in a set of arms, and all those questions you ever asked, the answers sleep in his eyes. But mostly the world you have been so afraid of seems much more inviting because he stands there wanting to show you. For Eric- I am sorry that all i could do is doubt but it is difficult to believe in something so perfect that not even my own imagination could conjure. But please know that you hold more of me than anyone else even knows exists. Although it may be hard at times for me to speak to you it is harder for me to admit that there are things that still need to be said. If there is one thing you have taught me it's that it's easy to live your life the wrong way but it takes courage and strength to change and live right. That courage and strength i only have because of you. Thank you for being in my life, and most of all for being my inspiration. This time i wont explain myself, but do any of you dare to tell me that i am wrong???

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Subject: Yawn Time: 3:17 pm. Mood: tired.

Hello. Well, i'm bored, extemely. Got up this morning and went for my drug test for work and dropped off the slip. Cory wasnt there but the other manager was, Sherry. She's not so nice. Went for some clothes for work, and some work shoes, dropped off to see my sister at work. I felt bad for her, working a double shift and then early the next morning, she cant go home until the other people are done even though shes got nothing to do. I cant wait until i start working again, i wont be so damn bored and i'll have something to do, and it will be something i enjoy. I like where the Petsmart is located, not too far from the apartment Eric and I want. My mom has been talking about a lot with me lately. We had a weird ass conversation in the car about sex and getting pregnant. The sex part was bad, the other part was just something i didnt want to deal with and rather not have to think about. Then she just kept talking about Eric and my Dad, and how she thinks it should be handled. She told, "when you're out of the house and settled in the apartment, he'll come back and then he can find out about it when your stuff aint there." lol, god, my mom is a genius. Seriously thats how things are around here, dont tell until you must. I agree with her though on this one, i know my dad would make things difficult. My mom started laughing about what my Aunt will say. Thing with my Aunt is she was engaged for like 10 years and before that the guy she married had to wait for her to make up her mind about whether or not she wanted to be a nun. So yeah, me moving away and in with Eric wow, what a slap in the face from her. Especially since its me, i'm supposed to be the good one. But i dont care. Well, i think thats about it. Enough for now anyway. I'll write soon, bye bye.

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Subject: Something Special Time: 9:15 pm. Mood: giddy.

Hi Everyone. So my friend Leo said, "anyone who spends 10 minutes with you will like you too." He told me this in a time of need. I've been keeping a secret from Eric and i finally told him yesterday. I feel bad because i didnt have faith in us and i thought he would walk away. But he didnt. This secret has been killing me, and its caused us to be apart longer than need be. But he was more disappointed that i have been lying to him and not been honest from the beginning. I now know, that i really do have something special. It feels good to be honest with him, there arent any more secrets or lies between us, and i even promised that for now on thats how it will stay. As a result of that i was also able to tell him that my mom has ok'ed him moving in with us. Which of course makes me hella happy. Everytime he fought with his parents i felt horrible because it could have been avoided, but because i was scared of consequences i stayed quiet. He never knew, but seriously it hurt me more inside to see him go through all that shit, then it ever hurt going through my own. I'm just glad its all over, and yesterday i just kept sitting back and thinking, " damn, i really found someone good." I have something special, and i'll never ask for anything else in my whole life. Ok, so some more good news. I got the job. Petsmart is hiring me for the bather/groomer position they have. Its a morning shift so i can go to school at night. Which is kool, at least i'll be wide awake in class, and if i decide to make grooming a career thing, petsmart pays for the whole thing. I might take the classes for grooming just so that i have something to fall back on if my other choice for school isnt what i really want. But i'm so hyped up over it. The people there are pretty kool, and i already know one of the trainers, and the store manager Cory is a lot of fun, and easy to talk to. Great benefits for when i turn 18, and being that i have a dog, i get discounts of course on things they offer. Definitely taking our dog (Eric and my), Hope, to their training classes, she's in desperate need of them. Lately everytime i leave the house she does something bad, my mom said its spite work for not staying there with her all the time. I cant have her doing things like that, its not kool for me, and not safe for her. I wanna try the classes because i dont want to give her up, this is my last chance to save her from the pound. I'm praying it works. Alright some sad news. Yesterday my friend Darian told me that him and i need to talk less to eachother, but he wouldnt give me a reason. He said it was for the best, especially for me. So out of respect for him and his family i'm doing that. But i will miss him and Kal, and their dad very much. As if that wasnt enough, my lil friend Sasha called, the one getting married to my other friend Corey. They have called off their wedding. Not completely, Sasha said that her and Corey need some time together before making a commitment and they are still engaged, just pushing the date back until they're out of college. Aw, and i was looking foward to it too. I hate to be her planner because she had a lot of stuff already done. But its kool, i'm glad they're still together. Here's the question of the day. Do i, or dont i dump all my current friends??? Tre, Rosie, Solae, Victor, Emma, Alex, Ingrid, Tess, Randy, and Craig i cant hang out with anymore because of Mario, he's been lying to them about alot of stuff, and it makes things weird to be around them. Since they were all his friends first i really have considered to just drop them. Besides, i dont see much of them anymore. My next group of friends, Davey, Aaron, Rena, and Leo, are a lil more difficult. Even though Leo is being nice, things are strange between us since i found out he likes me. And when i told him that its getting closer to Eric being here he didnt looked thrilled. Thats drama i dont need. Rena, i'm not too fond of, she speaks before she thinks, and can be a bitch sometimes and pushes things she shouldn't. Aaron, just a complete ass at times, and Davey, well, i'll miss him. As for Robby, well, he's Jake's brother, what more can i say. I havent heard from Jake in awhile, and i think it would be weird when he comes back IF he comes back with Eric being here. As for Mike, well Mike can come around when he wants, but thats not often, also him being Jake's best friend, yeah i think thats a toughy too. Kelly, well, havent heard from her at all, so i guess she's pretty much all gone. Darren still not talking to me, Corey and Sasha too far away, i only hear from them when something goes wrong, and Jake, well, he's a definite gotta go. He went to NC for a reason to put space between me and him, i think thats how we should stay. So, do i have a choice, no, the friends must go, and i shall start a new lil group. A lot of those people would cause too much drama for Eric and I, and that my friends, i dont want at all. So, wow, thats longer than i intended. Well, i'm outta here, i'll update tomorrow, adios!!!

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Subject: Fucking Assanine Day Time: 7:28 pm. Mood: pissed off.

Hey everyone, this has been a weird day, i never knew i could go through every damn emotion there is in less than 12 hours. Eric and i have been fighting a lot again but it got bad the past two days. In two days we have almost broken up twice. Yesterday because he brought up having another gf, and i got pissed and kept hanging up on him before he could say hello. That was bad, but it got resolved. Either way today was worse. Eric and I were just about over. I felt like i didnt make him happy anymore. He hasnt been feeling like he belongs anywhere for the last couple of weeks. And he was just telling me that now. I felt like i loved him for nothing, like i was holding onto nothing again. I kept ignoring his calls and messages, even the voice mail he left. But when you love someone you gotta be with them, and i learned that today. I cried very badly, and it hurt so much. To think that i would never wake up with him, never get to marry him, i couldnt do that. I finally picked up the phone and we talked, i decided not to leave after all. I hate when people treat him wrong, but thats something that will change. Me and him gotta get through these next few months, after that we will be good. We'll have our apartment, and our dog, and our whip cream, whoa ok you didnt need to know that. Anyway, yup, i gotta nail this job for me and him. I need to start saving for us, so that it wont take long for us to get our lives going. This year is busy for us. Next month is my birthday, then june Eric is coming down (we're hoping), but i will be flying out a few days before that so we can come home together and its our anniversary, july we want to move into our apartment, august is Eric's birthday, and September 18th we get married. Yay!!! But until June we gotta get through all the bullshit. So yeah i woke up pissed, got hurt and sad and felt hella pain, and then was bitchy, felt sick and then happy and then god damn Eric had to get me horny and now i'm hyper and all of the sudden i'm feeling very odd. I dont know. And now i'm pissed. God, i gotta get out of here. Bye.

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Subject: Tears Drop Time: 12:01 pm. Mood: hyper. Music: Martina McBride- How Far.

Hello everyone. God i look like shit this morning, well i did until i cleaned myself up. Lastnight was really bad. Eric was going through a lot and he asked me to let him go. He wanted to leave. All because he wanted to die. I dont want him to go, i dont want to lose him, and i sure as hell dont want him to die. I hate when his family puts him through things, its not fair to him. I wish everything were different. I was crying bad lastnight because he kept saying bye and i was afraid to hang up because i didnt want to wake up in the morning and find him gone. Thankfully after crying so much and argueing with him and letting him know things that he didnt, he promised me he would try, and he would stay. After that things were alright. I made him laugh which is always good, and he even started to joke around a lil bit. We discussed his birthday gift, i want to make his birthday very special. I cant wait for him to be here, then i get to show him how good life can be. My family i know will be very welcoming, they already are saying they cant wait until he gets here. My mom is throwing a bbq, and we're gonna have a lil welcome home party. My brothers are all interested in getting to know him. I'm really looking foward to seeing him happy, and i wanna make him smile all the time. I dont like when he's down, it makes me so sad. But i promised him that once hes here he'll never have those problems again. All we need is to make it through now and we'll be fine. More news. I was starting to get discouraged because i havent been hearing from any of the places i applied to for work. And this morning Corey from Petsmart called and set up an interview with me for Tuesday at one. I'm hella excited, i really want that job. I dont really care what i'm doing because its around animals and plus its a job. I'm not being picky, give me a job and i'll work hard at it. I already know one of the guys there who work as a trainer, and he's hella nice. And i know alot about dogs, cats, and lizards. The day i went to apply i came a lil early so i could check out the whole lay out of the store, so i know my way around pretty good. I want this job and i'm determined to get it. But fuck, i lost my ID, so i need to get a new one soon. Well thats all for now, i gotta go do a happy dance. Bye bye.

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