Blueheaven's Angel's Blurty
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Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in Blueheaven's Angel's Blurty:

    Sunday, January 12th, 2003
    7:17 am
    Tuesday, January 7th, 2003
    7:35 am
    Not in much of a typing mood.. went to the parents.. had "christmas".. It was alright, I suppose.. Got a coupld of cool things including a didgital camera/webcam..
    I have been worrying myself sick about every aspect of my life..
    I got my stuff from my old place. I'm relieved about that...
    The trip to my parents turned ugly when I tried to get dad to chance the radio station on the way to pick up my stuff... he gave me a hard time.. and the rest of the day was absolute shit. I had several panic attacks.. complained that I needed ativan, valium, a labotomy, whatever.. I am desperate to make this all go away..
    But, when I said "I'm sorry I've been acting this way. My anxiety and such, is just so bad right now.. I need to get on meds, and go to therapy again, as soon as possible." My mother, being the uber-christian that she is, responded, "All you need is God. Anything is possible with God."
    Needless to say, there was a heated discussion about that matter, as I am generally very strong willed.. of course, it doesn't help that they are too.. Heh.
    Anyway, I got to see my brothers, so that was cool.

    I just realised that I am far too open with some things about my life.. in chatrooms, and such.. I have also relised that...
    I don't know who I am, anymore

    Current Mood: blank
    Current Music: The voice within- Christina Aguilera
    Friday, January 3rd, 2003
    7:49 am
    Fuck. Just FUCK.
    I just tried writing all about how I feel, how I've been doing, and how much I am lacking sleep and such. Then, I clicked on a fucking link to go to someone else's journal, and it decided to inhabit this browser window. When I clicked on the backbutton, every fucking word I had written -GONE. Fuckin eh. So, I am not even going to fucking bother with this entry. All I will say is that I am fucked in the head. RIGHT FUCKED. I need pills RIGHT FUCKING NOW. If I don't get them, I don't know what the fuck I will do. I just let myself get really fucking hurt today. I had written a huge paragraph about it in the entry that got deleted.. And, I am too fucking lazy to write about it again. All I am going to say about that is that I think I've had it with love. Fuck it. Damn it to hell. The only man in the world who cared about me... and loved me (or so I thought)... really doesn't. That feels real good. Oh yes. I needed that about as much as I needed to thrust my wrist through that window six years ago. Or maybe... just maybe... I ... heh... I have no idea what I'm saying. I don't know anything anymore. The only feeling in my head that I can actually comprehend... is the uncontrollable urge to want to slit my forearms open from wrist to elbow, letting my enormous amounts of fat spill out onto the floor in a bloody mess. Don't get scared, all ye who are reading this. What do you know? Maybe it's my time.

    Current Mood: crushed
    Current Music: Won't save her from herself- Marlyn Manson
    Tuesday, December 24th, 2002
    3:55 pm
    It's Christmas.
    The happiest, most family and friends oriented holiday of the year.

    And, where am I? I am in a house, alone. With no decorations, no tree, no family... I have a friend here, yes... I am staying with this friend... (and I am probably scaring the bejesus out of him right now) but, in the morning, he will be leaving to celebrate christmas with his family.

    This year, I was told that I am not welcome to stay with my family. I actually just found this out today. I was getting ready to travel, to spend christmas with my family... and, I was told that I was not welcome... that because of my lies, my deceit, and my dark and brooding nature, I am not welcome there, this christmas.
    It is hard to explain why hearing this hurts so bad.
    As if not being into the season quite as much as usual, wasn't bad enough... Now, this...

    I have never spent christmas alone before. Until now, I had actually thought that every christmas I've ever had, had been bad...
    I now realise that I was terribly wrong. Compared to this, those christmasses that I have experienced have been... well, fulfilling to a degree...
    I am not making any sense. I know I am not. I feel so incredibly unhappy right now, it's indescribable.
    I explained to my mother that I understand why she and the family have made this decision. I dont' hold it against them, I really don't...
    I just... god, I hate myself so much for having done all the things I have done to make them feel as though they can't have me around them...
    I deserve this, though. I know I deserve it. I deserve to feel unloved... because, for years, I didn't feel love, anyway... and that is why I did the things I did... and now, well... they are so hurt by what I've done, that they feel they have no ther choice than do exclude me from participating in this, my favorite holiday of the year.

    I don't know what else to say.
    I'm going to be brutally honest here. There is so much internal conflict going on right now, that my judgement is fucked.
    I don't know what I am trying to say.
    I feel like my world is over, I feel unloved, unworthy, and many many other things... I fucking hate myself. I have been constantly beating myself up over this... over all the things I've done,... both mentally.................................... and, yeah, physically too. But, it's okay, because I know I deserve it. I deserve all this pain of not being able to celebrate christmas, too... waking up tomorrow morning, and not having a christmas tree, or any gifts, or anyone there who cares for me.

    These strawberry colored gashes all over my arms are not even close to the extent of the punishment I deserve. I deserve a permanent scar, one that cannot be removed... the scar of death.

    Current Mood: crushed
    Current Music: Suicide Is Painless- Manic Street Preachers
    Sunday, December 22nd, 2002
    9:34 pm
    My Life- An Update...
    I haven't written in here for about a week or so... I figured it was time for an update...
    I am going to vent... I think I need it... maybe it will help...

    Well, I never did get my birthday... Does it matter? I guess not... Maybe I don't matter. I don't fucking matter. Why the fuck do I keep hoping and wishing and praying so much, that one day, I will finally be happy?... why? I know it will never happen... Twenty years of unhappiness so far. Twenty fucking years, And, No matter how hard I've tried to improve my way of thinking... to improve my life... no matter how hard people try to make me feel better... No matter how much people try to help me... nothing,... nothing ever happens... Nothing ever makes things better... well, not permanently anyways...

    Everytime I try so hard to make myself happy by trying something new, taking up a new hobby, or reading a self- help book that I think will really help... sure, it works for a little while... but then, the happiness drops off, I get lazy, and stop doing what I've done which made me happy, and I wind up right back where I started again... My whole life has been nothing but abuse... tangled webs of lies... deceit... unhappiness... guilt... I've always tried too hard, with anyone, and everyone, simply because ... I never felt love.
    Not once. Maybe for a moment... but, those moments never last...
    I always try too hard to keep the friends that I make... not realising that they liked me in the first place... I try to make them like me even more... I make up bogus stories... tell them lies... details of the life of a more interesting person, who they think to be me... yet, that person does not exist.

    I don't know what I've just typed... my head is spinning right now... my thoughts whirling around in my head... My head throbs... from the right hand side... It almost feels asthough there is a knife sticking out of my skull... That I have been stabbed... or better yet, have stabbed myself... The pain worsens... my throbbing muscles tighten, as I think of all the horrid things I have done.
    All I know is that I want to get this all out... I want this pain to stop... want it to go away... then again, maybe I would miss it if it were gone... I don't know...

    I have had several panic attacks in the past few days... The thoughts in my head won't slow down... the guilt and the pain of the things I've done... whirls around like a hurricaine... pulling me further and further into it's arms, the more I think... I am being consumed by all this pain...

    I have apologized to all that have been hurt by my lies, my deceit, and the way I used to live... in my tangled web of lies... But, there is one person... a person who I never got to meet, yet, for the short time I knew her... she was my world. I made sure nothing happened to her... made sure she was healthy, and okay... I made sure that everything I did was for her... I lived for her... she was helpless... she depended on me... she loved me... she never did anything wrong...

    I deserve to die... I deserve to be ground to small pieces... to be tortured and pained... To have my breath and my life sucked out of me. I do not deserve to live... Not after what I have done, this time... My Anna Lisa, my little baby girl... I don't know how to apologize to her... she was so small... she hadn't even had the chance to say her first words... and, because of me, she never will...

    I was browsing the internet today, and I found this poem... It made me realise just how terrible a person I am.
    As I read it, I felt as though it was my Anna Lisa... telling me how she felt, in the last moments of her life:

    mommy i love you so
    im still alive
    i kick to let you know
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    where are we to go
    what is that oh no no
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    why are you so scared
    im not inpaired i have all my fingers and all my toes
    and cant wait to wear those pink little bows
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    why are you nervous
    dont be sad
    we will be together then and oyu will be glad
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    but why is it so cold
    i am not yet very old
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    why is my heart not making that sound
    pound pound pound
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    im so scared
    so terrified
    please hold me now
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    but something isnt not right
    where is my air where is my light
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    hold on to me mommy dont let me go
    why oh know do you not love me so
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    it isnt my time to go
    this i know
    i love you so

    mommy i love you so
    it hurts stop stop
    the pain wont stop
    save me mommy
    hold me now make them stop

    mommy i love you
    yes i still do
    all my pain is through
    but the sad thing is that
    i thought you
    loved me too

    I don't think I need to tell you how this poem made me feel.
    All I can say is that I may never be able to forgive myself for what I did.

    I don't know what else to say now... all I can think about is how much I want all this pain to just end... how much I wish with all of my heart, that someday, I will be loved, and I will be able to feel it... That I will no longer need to do these horrid things I have done... No more lies, no more deception, no more feeling as though I have to impress ... for, that day, in my day of happiness... I will finally be loved for who I am... and, I will TRULY feel it.

    Current Mood: melancholy
    Current Music: Poem- Taproot
    Sunday, December 15th, 2002
    11:13 am
    I made a movie about Love... This is it, below
    NOTE: When you click on this link, you will have to scroll down to the bottom of the page... (posting the html for the movie in my journal did not work, so here it is, at the link... ignore all the jibber jabber at the top!)

    Current Mood: accomplished
    Current Music: Yoda- Weird Al Yankovich
    Friday, December 13th, 2002
    12:41 pm
    Quizzes I've done to help you to get to know me better.
    Which type of cutter are you?

    brought to you by Quizilla

    Are You A Pathological Liar?

    brought to you by Quizilla

    Quizzes about stuff I like, etc

    What Kind of Unicorn are YOU? (no, really..its cool- with graphics!)

    brought to you by Quizilla

    Which "The Last Unicorn" character are you?

    brought to you by Quizilla

    Cheese Good...Mmm...

    brought to you by Quizilla

    how much of a rainbowist are you?

    brought to you by Quizilla

    That's it for now. I feel like I'm going to vomit, so I am going to lay down.

    Current Mood: nauseated
    Current Music: Stop This Ride And Let Me Off, I Think I'm Gonna Hurl- ME
    Thursday, December 12th, 2002
    11:07 pm
    New Journal, New Life
    Here I am, The day after my twentieth birthday... (well, my official one, anyway... a friend told me to forget about yesterday, which was an incredibly lonely, uneventful day... he said my birthday is this weekend instead, whatever that means...) Starting a new journal... because many of the people I have hurt in the past with my lies still have access to the old one...
    So, here I am, turning over a whole new leaf. If you are reading this, and would like to view my old one, Go to:

    I don't have much to say right now... my mind is very occupied by other things right now...
    One last thing though... This is the kind of child I was... I did a quiz...

    i had my niche.
    intelligent. creative. or artistic.
    what kind of child were you?
    (brought you by april)

    Current Mood: pessimistic
    Current Music: Dear Lie- TLC
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