| hidden emotions |
[08 Apr 2003|03:14pm] |
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mood |
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 jealous |
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i cant do it.
im too weak.
I dwell on that past nad thats a flaw. maybe im just jealous as well. jealous of her. of them. of your infactuation with them. your love for them. i hold onto those feelings and let go of what you tell me. you give me your love... and i dont feel it because of them. because in my mind.. i hate myself so much, im ashamed of myself so much, i bring so much pain, that in my mind you would rather be with them. you would rather love them.
at one point that was true. you told me so. of course i had to swim through the lies for a while but then you came clean and told me so.
the puzzle didnt fit then. it still doesnt fit now. maybe it doesnt fit now only cause i wont let it.
i love you
you told me that you wanted to show something to me. some sort of proof but you wont show me. why not?
i dont know. can it really be that bad? it could only help couldnt it?
i cant find the strength i need to do what i need to do. maybe i wont let myself. i dont know. maybe im just a baby maybe not. but right here... right now, i only see myself hurting myself worse because i wont let go of the past. ive always been able to... why cant i now? proably cause this one time... it hurts too much.
i get to the point where i can trust myself for 5...10... 30 mins to a day then i think to myself... wow i feel good. i learn to trust me and you. but then sooner or later i find out that i was lied to.
there was apoit when i trusted you. you would lie to me here and ther. i would belive you with my doubts but i would stil let go and belive you. then a day or week ago i find out that i shouldnt've trusted you. that you were lying to me then. if you lied to me when i didnt trust you... i could deal with that and it wouldnt bother me so much. but the fact that i did trust you... thats what bothers me. this isnt about a picture or a girl. i dont know what its about. maybe trust maybe love. maybe im scared. maybe im jealous. maybe im lonely. i cant describe it.
maybe im thinking into the future. preparing myself for the day... when you come to me and i find out today, or last night was a lie. its seems i have to wait a month, or three to discover the lies. maybe on my birthday, my presnt from you will you you asking for forgivness for a lie you told me today. maybe you wont even ask my forgiveness. i shudder at the thought.
maybe another thing is you feeling the lack of need to tell me things. lets say you didnt lie to me... you sure as hell didnt tell me the whole thing. at some points you wouldnt tell me anything at all. just thinking that if you dont tell me it doesnt matte or that i wont find out. well sooner or later i will. why not tell me now? what do you have to hide?
what do you hide by not telling me?
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