| Fallen. Broken. Lost. Alone. |
[02 Apr 2003|06:42am] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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Look at me. Thrown upon the ground like an old gym towel. No one cares. This pain, this numbness, this unbearable lifelessness that spreads through my body like ice. My chest hurts but i cant feel the pain. Tears swell up in my eyes and no ones there to catch them. So lost and alone. Im by myself now. With out friends, or family. Without you. Ive fallen and no one can see me. Theres no word to describe it, to describe the feeling. Ive tried so hard, Ive fought my whole life, this whole time... and now Ive lost everything.
Enough of me. Enought talking like someone gives a shit.
This is my life. Welcome. This Journal tracks me progress, my depression, and the pains of my life. There is no happiness anymore, but if i should catch a glimpse, only for a second... I'll let you know.
If this is what you call love, I dont want it. It hurts too much. I didnt understand what strength you said I would need. I am not a strong person. I can only pretend, wear the mask of a victor over struggles, but the truth is... I hurt, Im weak, Im alone, and I will conquer this struggle too. Ive held on for so long, Ive been patient for so long, I wont give up now.
You can, but I cant.
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| Struggling |
[02 Apr 2003|11:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 groggy |
] |
I missed you today.
Numb. Completely numb is what i am now. you didn ttalk to me today.. big suprise. you said you wouldnt. How does this prove you love me? I dont know. What did i do wrong? I dont know.
Slowly everyday i become more like her, i dont want to. I cant be her. But without knowing it you told me to. She has the strength to do what i need to do. I love you.
I went to go see my psychologist. I dunno if shes helping anymore. maybe i shouldntve told her that much about me. Either way.. i guess shes just doing her job. I need to start going to the gym again. I need money. I need food. No i dont need food. Im cravinig food and i dunno why. Part of me hopes maybe im expecting... im preg... but that cant be the case. But i can always hope. It would make you come back to me at least.
Im tired and have to work in the morning and i have to write in 2 other journals.
Im gonna have to live with me for the rest of my life. So i better make the best of it.
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