| thoughts |
[23 Mar 2003|09:01am] |
I havent prayed to God in a long time. Theres all kids of prayers and religions, and i dont really belive in any of them. But i do belive there is a God, and maybe possibly he does listen if I were to pray to him. Sonetimes it just seems theres no where else to go, and praying/talking to something that you dont know really exists kinda helps. Its almost like talking to yourself, a different part of you. I think its just the fact that im able to work out stuff when i pray, and thats why i prayed. Ive never had a prayer really answered and no outreageous miricle has ever happened because of a prayer... hell its never happened wether there was a prayer said or not. Im not a selfish person but the prayer was extremely selfish... i felt bad afterward so i just thought about what i prayed for, then said another prayer. I prayed for strength. Strength to do a lot of things. Its no use asking God to make someone do this or say that or feel this way or that... you might as well be playing God youself. And i wouldnt want to control someone like that. I dunno i just have a lot of issues with that. So i prayed for myself.
I prayed for strength. i prayed to find comfort in whatever happens next in my life. Comfort in whatever choices or decisions are made, by me or anybody else. I prayed for a better understanding. I prayed for patience. And i prayed for happiness/to be happy. Ive never really been happy so i dont know why I suddenly think some almight being is gonna make me happy. But i am happy when im with someone who cares about me, someone who makes me laugh. Someone i feel safe with. Someone who wouldnt hurt me. Ive tasted that kind of joy and i miss it. Memories don cut it anymore. Its like trying to quit drinking. You remember how you felt, how it feels to be drunk. Everything is ok and nothing matters. It even makes you do crazy stuff. But when you quit you remember what it was like to have a problem and to be able to turn to a liquid to make everything ok... you miss it. you want it. you miss it even more because you know what its like. Same with a kid and candy. I never felt that way, i was never happy like that. Then suddlenly i was and i felt what it was like. But now im not happy anymore and i miss it even more than i did before.
Like i said before... im not selfish, i mostly want one thing out of life. I want someone to give me something that no one has ever given me before, not even my own parents or family or friends. I just want someone who is there for me, someone who cares, maybe possibly love me. and Yes im for reals when i say my parents dont love me. But i guess thats too much to ask. Maybe ive set my hops too high and should just settle for less.
Im attracted to all kinds of people. People think cause i was raped and used and abused that those are the kind of people i want to be with, people who will do that to me. I hate those people. Thats not what i look for at all. lets go in chronilogical order:
A hopelss romantic who offered me everything.
A schitzophrenic, who raped me.
Some player in Seattle who used me.
A horny teenaged 23 yr old from salt lake.
A volcano about to erupt who abused me mentally.
An emotionless, unhappy, selfish wrek.
A kind, caring guy. A father of one... who leaves me feeling decived and lied to.
what everyone has or had in common was that i felt like they cared about me. like they would never hurt me. like they wanted what was best for me. i felt safe ... thats what they have in common.
Grr... what am i thinking? ill just keep rambling
Last night i spent the night in the arms of someone who made me feel safe. Make me feel like everything would be ok. Nohthing happened. We just watched some movies. I rememberd back to about 2 years ago when i was with him on the same couch, with him holding me. I remember how safe i felt and how much liked whatever feelings i had had night long ago. Hes a good guy but we moved on our own ways. We never really dated, but we found comfort and safety in each other. Funny thing was it was only one night. After that night we just kind drifted apart. He would've been the first guy i ever kissed but i screwed it up. He leaned in to kiss me and i was just thinking peck on the lips or cheek - then he felt stupid and i felt retarded. Oh well. Thats not what matters.
The whole time i was there i was waiting for a phone call. A friend told me he would call. I missed him. I wanted him to call me. I knew what happened would happen and he was gonna break up with me, but all i wanted was for him to call me. I never really checked my messages the other night (firday night)... i did last night and he had called me while i didnt have my phone. He told me he was worried abou me, wanted to know where i was, then he said "love ya" i dont know if he meant it, or if he was just saying it. But it made me miss him even more.
I guess we were dating... for like a whole 2 weeks. It was nice while it lasted. I dont feel he ever really gave me a chance with him tho. maybe it was all too fast for him, and too soon. but that doesnt matter. He told me stuff. He promised me stuff... and now it all turns out to be lies. I thought we had something he thought or told me that that he thought there was something there and he liked me lots and that he thought we would be together for a long time and he wanted to be with me for a long time. If two weeks is a long time... man id hate to think about eternity.. 4 weeks would proably be an eternity.
I do have trust issues but at least i tried. i wanted to belive everything he told me. But some things just didnt match up and i knew there was something he wasnt telling me. I thought about it a lot and what he could not be telling me and i thought of some stuff... last night i found out i was right. Then he goes and tells me theres more to it but wont tell me.. that isnt being honest, its just hiding it again.
You told me i wasnt filler. that you werent dating me till someone or somthing better came along. I asked you once, and I used Dyana as an example but it could apply for anyone... and you told me you wouldnt break up with me just to go back to her, whoever her is. You said that you wanted us to work. And if there was a problem you wanted to try and work through it. I feel like it was all a lie and in the end, you broke up with me cause you want to go back to her, but at the same time you dont want to hurt me, but over all you want to go back to her. Therefore i feel like you lied to me. If im wrong i wish you would just tell me. I wish you wouldnt just beat around the bush. You cant promise someone something then break that promise. you cant play with peoples emotions.
Im mad, but at the same time...
Im an understanding person. I like to try and work things out. I hate being mad at people and i hate it when theyre mad at me. I want to understand. I want to know. I dont want to be played with. I want to support you and your decision as long as you made the decision for the right reasons, for the reasons you told me. but if what you told me was a lie and its not really what you were/are thinking, you you didnt tell me the truth, then that is very deciteful, and would really hurt and i proably would really hate you. But right now, i dont want to think abou that. I trust you. I trust that what you told me was the truth.. of course if it wasnt dont use that as an excuse not to tell me.
I just want to know the truth. It doesnt matter if it hurts. We're friends... as your friend id rather you tell me the tuth or something that would hurt me rather than you not tell me anything at all... cause by not telling me your hurting me even more.
Are we really friends? Or did you just say that? Will you ignore me? Would i ever get to hang out with you? Would you be there for me? I dunno. Id like to think you would but i really dont know what to think anymore. I belive you dont want to hurt me and you dont want to hurt anyone else. You always asked me to not hurt you and ive tried my best not to but if i have im truely sorry. I just want you to be happy. If you need a break thats fine. If you need to figure things out thats fine and im not mad. Life is shit but you deserve to be happy. I want you to be happy.
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| one last thought |
[23 Mar 2003|10:01am] |
FROM Brandon
I Like Hilary.
Hilary is very cool.
If I were alone in a room with Hilary, I would hold her close.
I think Hilary should let me come give her a kiss.
Hilary needs lots of love.
I want to Kiss Hilary.
Someday Hilary will be a very sucesful person.
Hilary reminds me of no one thats why I like her so much.
Without Hilary i would be very depressed.
Memories of Hilary are some of the best ever.
Hilary can be so kind.
Worst thing about Hilary is she is so shy.
Best thing about Hilary is everything else.
I am peaceful with Hilary
...
I see a lite in the dark night it gets briter every nite she is a girl i like i dont know it just feels right like i am being inveloped in gods lite bliss it just feels right. She sais she is boring but she is just not right she is so exciting i cant wait to see the light again tonight she is my hope in this fucked up world dont break me please dont hate me please just like me please god let this be right
...
i remember when you wrote those. i remember how i felt when i read those. i wonder now if they were lies. or if you really meant it. i thought you really meant it and i wanted to belive you. now i dont know anymore.
"dont doubt that which you cannont see."
i cant see if you lied to me. but i can see your actions. and i can see the truth if it were told to me.
_____________
im not gonna bring up anything anymore. cause it proably makes it harder on you. makes you more stressed or more confused. im sorry for that if it hurts you.
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| stuff |
[23 Mar 2003|11:21pm] |
im hungry... but i dont feel like eating. i didnt sleep at all last night either. so im tired but i dont feel like sleeping. i dont want to sleep. i cant sleep. i couldnt think. i was thinking too much. too much happened the past two or three days and i guess im still trying to get over it all. i read The Fountainhead last night. i read mostly just the parts about Dominique. her a Roark. i used to idolize her. i would think like her and i could be strong. i was someone i liked and people liked me more.
then i got new meds and a new shrink and everything got shot to hell. i started makeing bad choices, or choices that seemed wrong. i got more emotional. more childish. more unconrolled.
more sensitive. weak. i became a second hander again.
i cant get ahold of david and i wish i could. and the only reason i want to is so that i can tell him everything and he can tell me how stupid i am. and then so he can yell at me for thinking the way i was, for acting the way i did. it hurt when he told me things like that just because i knew they were true and i took them to heart. i never changed for anybody as much as i changed for him. i guess i still do change... just cause i know its how he would want me to be or who he would tell me to be. he made me strong. i hate david tho. i dont know why i hold him and what he thinks so highly.
work sux. im on lunch and i really have nothing to do. no one to call and no one to talk to.
i shoulda taken a shower this morning but didnt.
im gonna start writing again. trevor talked me into it again.
i wrote something a while ago and he loved it. its just stupid. its not really a poem or anything. i dont even know why i wrote it.
Broken eyes
by me
Today like never before im alive.
Tomorrow comes and the dreams all gone.
But for a second i was free.
to be free... to just let go of how i feel. to be happy. to forget everything thats happened to me or thats happeneing to me. to not be in the cage my parents put me in. to make my own choices. to be who i want to be and do what i want to do... freedom... to feel alive and free. thats all i want really. just freedom, cause i know id be happy. im no longer at home, an dno longer under my parents control which is good and a step in the right direction. now i just need to forget everything else or something. anyway.. what i wrote...
it kinda fits today. well.. it fits anyday in the life of hilary but it fits this week really well.
- Today like never before im alive -
i was really happy. and nothing else mattered. i had pretty much fogotten everything.
- Tmorrow comes and the dreams all gone -
now i wake up and its liek what i had was a dream. i never had it. i wasnt alive like i thought it was... it was all in my head
- But for a second i was free-
but i was free. wether or not it was a "dream" i know it wasnt a dream. i know it was real and it only seems like it was a dream. but i can look back and i can remember what i had and be grateful and know that i had it. and that it is a goal that can be reached. an di will reach it again.
wow. i never realized that or thought about anything when i wrote it. i wrote that when i was bored one day in training. acutally i wrote it on valentines day. *shrug* oh well. i guess i do have some tallent ill admit that. but everything i write sux. even tho i guess that was cool what i wrote.. it still sux
maybe ill start drawing again. dunno. i need something to draw. i need a challange. i need someone to draw for. i cant draw for myself. i have to have a purpose to draw.... ill find one tho
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